The Sun-Herald

WHO WE ARE: Standout comedy

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A column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 11/5/2008
Whenever Australians are asked to describe the core characteristics of this nation, two phrases keep coming up: "laidback attitude" and "sense of humour", which together add up to an eagerness to laugh at ourselves. It's no surprise, then, that the most successful locally made programs in the history of television have been comedies.

In recent weeks this column has been trying to bring some order to the chaos that is Australia's taste in entertainment. I've chronicled our favourite movies, most successful actors and most watched TV shows, and sought your votes on whether the most popular were necessarily the most significant. After last week's column, which identified the top dramas of all time as Homicide, Blue Heelers, All Saints and Home and Away, many readers complained that I had left out, in order of importance, Wildside, The Sullivans, Phoenix, Flying Doctors, Bellbird, Matlock, MDA, Love My Way, Cop Shop, Stingers and Blue Murder.

No doubt there will be similar outcries about what's missing from the list below, which is an attempt to rank the comedies which had both high ratings and long life. Once again quantity is not necessarily the same as quality, but this is designed to get the conversation started ...

The most watched Australian comedies of all time:
1 Hey Dad (1984-94)
2 The Paul Hogan Show (1973-1982)
3 Kath and Kim (2002- )
4 The Comedy Company (1988-1991)
5 The Normal Gunston Show (1975-79)
6 The Mavis Bramston Show (1964-68)
7 Fast Forward/ Full Frontal (1989-1998)
8 Mother and Son (1984-1994)
9 Thank God You're Here (2006-)
10 The Chaser team under various titles (2002-)
11 All Aussie Adventures (2001-03)
12 Frontline (1994-97)
13 Summer Heights High (2007)
14 Kingswood Country (1979-1984)
15 The Naked Vicar Show (1977-78)
16 The D Generation (1986-89)
17 My Name's McGooley, What's Yours (1967-69)
18 Acropolis Now (1989-1992)
19 The Aunty Jack Show (1972-75)
20 The Games (1998-2000)

(I sneaked the last one in because I'm hoping John Clarke will do a version for this year, although the Olympics are probably too close now for it to be feasible.)

It's interesting to note from the chart that Australia's favourite form of TV comedy leans more towards sketches than to sitcoms (which we tend to leave to the experts - America). Even series that purport to be sitcoms were mostly born out of sketches and are structured as fast scenes rather than continuous narratives - Kingswood Country grew from The Naked Vicar Show, Kath and Kim from Fast Forward, My Name's McGooley from a Gordon Chater character in The Mavis Bramston Show, Acropolis Now from Wogs Out of Work on stage.

This may lead you to the view that Australians should add a third quality when they are attempting to describe the national character - along with our laid back attitude and our sense of humour, Australians have a terribly short attention span. Which is no bad thing, since it gives us an ability to multi-task and an enthusiasm for new ideas.

If you'd care to discuss that, or nominate other shows that deserve a place in the Australian TV comedy hall of fame, go to Comments

• by David Dale at 02:35 PM
• Comments (62)

WHO WE ARE: The biggest stars in the southern sky

For the results of The Bogie Awards 2008, go to The Tribal Mind.

A column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 27/4/2008
Alright, if we can't agree on what is the greatest Australian movie ever made, perhaps we can agree on who is the greatest Australian actor. Last week this column sought your reaction to a remark by a spokesman for the prime minister that "without doubt" the best Australian movie ever made was The Man from Snowy River (despite the fact that 70 minutes go by before there is any movement at the station).

Most readers disagreed with the PM, but after that, the consensus broke down. Obviously this column's readers represent a fair sample of the Australian cinemagoing community, and that community has diverse tastes. This was how the voting went: 1 Chopper; 2 Lantana; 3 Breaker Morant; 4 Gallipoli; 5 Picnic at Hanging Rock; 6 The Castle; 7 Mad Max; 8 Muriel's Wedding; 9 Wake in Fright; 10 Don's Party; 11 A Town Like Alice; 12 The Club; 13 Kenny; 14 Romper Stomper; 15 Bad Boy Bubby.

Most of these films are more than 10 years old. As many readers remarked, Australian flicks these days are perceived as a reason not to go to the cinema. But we continue to admire our own actors, and it might be possible to achieve more agreement on who is the best of them.

As I remarked last week, box office success is not the same as quality, but to get you started, here's a list of the Australians who have been in movies which sold the most tikets around the world. (Pedant warning: In compiling this list, I have defined Australian as "spent the formative years of their career in this country". There is no need to tell me Russell Crowe was born in New Zealand, Sam Neill in Northern Ireland, Mel Gibson in New York, Nicole Kidman in Hawaii, Naomi Watts and Guy Pearce in Britain, and Hugo Weaving in Nigeria. This is a nation of immigrants.)

The most successful Australian actors of all time
1 Hugo Weaving (biggest international moneymakers included the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the Matrix trilogy and Australian work includes Priscilla, Little Fish, The Interview, and Proof).
2 Geoffrey Rush (Pirates of the Caribbean, Munich, Shakespeare in Love, Shine, Lantana, Ned Kelly, Candy).
3 Mel Gibson (What Women Want, Braveheart, Lethal Weapon, Mad Max, The Year of Living Dangerously, Gallipoli, Tim)
4 Sam Neill (Jurassic Park, Bicentennial Man, The Hunt For Red October, The Piano, My Brilliant Career, The Dish, Sirens, Little Fish, Dead Calm)
5 Nicole Kidman (The Golden Compass, Bewitched, The Hours, The Others, Batman Forever, To Die For, Days of Thunder, Moulin Rouge, Dead Calm, BMX Bandits)
6 Russell Crowe (Gladiator, American Gangster, Master and Commander, A Beautiful Mind, LA Confidential, The Sum of Us, Romper Stomper, Proof)
7 Cate Blanchett (Lord of the Rings, Elizabeth, The Aviator, Babel, Notes on a Scandal, Little Fish, Oscar and Lucinda. Discussing her latest film, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Steven Spielberg said last week: "She's a very threatening villain. Of all the villains I've been able to work with in the Indiana Jones movies, I can say she's my favorite. And I think Cate made her that way. We gave her a template for this, but she invented the character.")
8 Eric Bana (Troy, Munich, Hulk, Black Hawk Down, Romulus My Father, Chopper, The Castle)
9 Toni Collette (The 6th Sense; Little Miss Sunshine, About A Boy, Muriel's Wedding, Japanese Story, The Black Balloon).
10 Hugh Jackman (X-Men, Van Helsing, Swordfish, Deception, Erskineville Kings, Paperback Hero.)
11 Paul Hogan (Crocodile Dundee, Strange Bedfellows)
12 Guy Pearce (Death Defying Acts, The Time Machine, Memento, LA Confidential, The Proposition,The Hard Word, Priscilla.)
13 Naomi Watts (King Kong, The Ring, Mulholland Drive, Ned Kelly, Gross Misconduct.)
14 Heath Ledger (Casanova, Brokeback Mountain, A Knight's Tale, Ned Kelly, Two Hands, Candy.)
15 Jack Thompson (Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, Man From Snowy River, Breaker Morant, Sunday Too Far Away, Wake In Fright.)

Have I missed anybody? And is there a clear winner amongst that lot? Go to Comments to vote.

To learn about our all-time favourites from every country, go to The Films Australia loved

• by David Dale at 12:19 AM
• Comments (56)

WHO WE ARE: Without doubt?

To learn how the tastes of Melbourne differ from the tastes of Sydney, go to The Tribal Mind

A column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 20/4/2008
A spokesman for the prime minister declared recently that The Man from Snowy River was "without doubt the best Australian movie ever made". He was commenting on a letter of congratulation sent to Kevin Rudd by the actor Kirk Douglas (who played two roles in The Man From Snowy River).

Assuming that the spokesman was conveying his master's view rather than his own, and that he wasn't just being polite to an ageing icon, it's a big claim. Kevin Rudd is this nation's voice to the world. The opinion polls suggest most Australians go along with him on most matters, but would they agree about the best Australian movie ever made?

On the prime ministerial recommendation, I rented The Man at my local DVD store, and I have to say it's an eccentric choice. Yes, the superb camerawork shows graceful horses and beautiful scenery, but the dialogue is clunky, the acting is uncomfortable, and Kirk Douglas's wig and beard look as if he tied a dead bandicoot round his head. Nearly 80 minutes go by before there's movement at the station. And there's no ending, presumably because they were setting things up for a sequel.

If that's the best we've ever done, you can't be surprised that 21st century Australians make a point of avoiding Australian movies. During the past six months, only two local creations have made more than $1 million at the box office - Black Balloon, a dramedy about a family with an autistic kid (seen by 170,000 people), and Gabriel, a science fiction thriller (seen by 140,000 people).

Some say the reason Australian films are doing so badly is that these days, people only go to the cinema to see big budget spectaculars, and Australians can't afford to make those. So how come 1.6 million of us bought tickets in the past six months for a film called Death At A Funeral? It has all the hallmarks of a classic Aussie production - no special effects, no big stars but plenty of eccentric characters, a bit of slapstick and a quirky storyline. Ah, you see, it was made in Britain, so we had no motive to avoid it.

There was a time when we embraced our own work. And from that golden age, I've worked out the 20 films which were seen by the greatest number of Australians, and which might be candidates for "without doubt the best ever made". I divided box office earnings by the average ticket price in the year the film was released, and came up with this chart:

The most popular Australian movies of all time
1. Crocodile Dundee (1986)
2 Babe (1995)
3 Crocodile Dundee 2 (1988)
4 The Man from Snowy River (1982)
5 Happy Feet (2006)
6 Moulin Rouge (2001)
7 Strictly Ballroom (1992)
8 Gallipoli (1981)
9 Mad Max Two (1981)
10 Priscilla Queen of the Dessert (1994)
11 Muriel's Wedding (1994)
12 Young Einstein (1988)
13 The Dish (2000)
14 The Piano (1993)
15 Phar Lap (1983)
16 Alvin Purple (1973)
17 Mad Max (1979)
18 Shine (1996)
19 The Castle (1997)
20 They're A Weird Mob (1966).

Of course, "most seen" is not necessarily the same as "best". There are others, just outside the top 20, which received critical acclaim: Picnic At Hanging Rock; Lantana; My Brilliant Career; Rabbit Proof Fence; Two Hands; Breaker Morant; Puberty Blues; Oscar and Lucinda and Kenny.

Which do you reckon was our all time best? And will we ever get there again? It's all a matter of opinion and we want yours. Please go to "Comments" and set the prime minister straight.

To learn about our all-time favourites from every country, go to The Films Australia loved

• by David Dale at 06:58 AM
• Comments (97)

WHO WE ARE: The city we love to hate

To learn why State governments should be abolished, go to The next big thing.
To learn how Australians spend their spare time, go to The Tribal Mind

A column about Australia, by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 13/4/2008
The biggest city in the land has managed to inspire serious hatred out there, and not all of it comes from jealous Melburnians. Two weeks ago this column used new figures from the Bureau of Statistics to demonstrate that Melbourne is poorer, older, lonelier and less ethnically diverse than Sydney, but also kinder, faster-growing and more family-oriented (go here for the details). Last week this column asked for slogans to promote Sydney to the world, since the newly announced "Designed to inspire" is misleading and lame.

Both columns provoked outpourings of venom, of which these are but a few examples ...

Marko M of Manly wrote: "$ydney has $old its $oul. Corporate greed has seduced our State Govt to the point where there is an inverse relationship between some companies share price and the happiness and satisfaction of living in this once great and exciting place ... Still they turned around New York and we need only to look to Melbourne as a shining star of Hope."

Daniel argued that "Sydney people are so obsessed with what they look like, are more snobbish, are not the least concerned about the environment (cars everywhere, or they'll take a cab for a ride that would take you 10 minutes to walk). Sydney is a good place to visit. Unfortunately, I live here."

Steve said: "The infrastructure is falling apart, the trains don't work, the roads are inadequate and there are too many tolls, the State schools are all politicised and strike-prone, resulting in more and more people turning to private schools, taxis are absurdly expensive, I could go on and on ... 20 years ago Sydney was clearly a better city, no question about it."

Justin McMurray suggested these slogans: "Vacuous -- but beautiful. Who needs culture when you have a nice harbour? Come, stay ... try to leave. If looks could kill, no-one in Sydney would be alive. City of excellence (except for the transport, hospitals and politicians)."

Lostie offered: "Sydney: Inadequacy at its best. Sydney: It's not ordinary, but we're trying. Sydney: Home of Bling FC. Sydney: You know you want to. Sydney: FOR SALE."

And these were some other slogan suggestions:
The city full of the rudest bastards in the world!!!!!!!
The city of the flying cockroach and hairy huntsman
Great Place to Hang Around (And You'll be Hanging Around A Lot)
Where only the Harbour is deep!
Cracker City -- Every second night there are fireworks going off somewhere
The city that invention never touched
A great lifestyle, for a price
Sydney -- donate to Labor and get development permission
Resting on its laurels
Gateway to more interesting places
Sydney: You're standing in it
Yawn at the Opera House, then go to Melbourne for real coffee and nightlife
Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence
Sydney - Tell someone who cares
The Drunk and Stupid City. Now with Extra Cars!
Where culture goes to die.
It's Yendys spelled backwards.

To leap to Sydney's defence, or to offer a slogan for Melbourne, go to Comments

• by David Dale at 03:32 AM
• Comments (140)

WHO WE ARE: The slogan that never sleeps

For the answers to the cultural literacy test, go to The Tribal Mind

A column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 6/4/2008
What the bloody hell is going on? On September 13 last year, the NSW Tourism Minister, Matt Brown, announced that the slogan for Sydney would become "City of Celebrations". He said: "With this particular campaign, we're targeting mainly our domestic visitors - people in Queensland, people in Victoria, as well as regional New South Wales. This city has it all."

On April 1 this year, the NSW Tourism Minister, still Matt Brown, announced that the slogan for Sydney would become "Designed to inspire". He said: "We need to get out into the market, we need to let the rest of the country and the rest of our state know that Sydney is a wonderful place to visit and invest."

What next - "Sydney: the city that changes its mind every six months"?

You can understand the thinking, though. NSW wants to get on the slogan-change bandwagon started by the federal government, which announced, soon after taking office, that it would dump "Where the bloody hell are you?" (and its plaintive adaptation for Japan -- "Why don't you come?").

"City of Celebrations" was pretty lame. But the new one is absurd. If there's one thing Sydney is not, it's "designed". It's a town that grew up higgledy piggledy. The randomness of its streets and buildings is part of the fun. The slogan would make much more sense for Canberra, but they seem boringly content with "The nation's capital".

This column was designed to inspire, so today we're going to suggest some better slogans for Sydney.

Sure, they're ripped off from other cities, but nobody will mind. "Live It. Love It." was originally used by Hong Kong, but now it's also the slogan for Leeds in Britain. Here are some candidates which, with marginal adaptation, could sell Sydney to the world:

Lose yourself in Melbourne
Adelaide Alive
Seven Miles from Sydney, a Thousand Miles from Care
Surprising Singapore
Uniquely Manchester
New Orleans: The Big Easy
New York: Capital of the World
Totally LondON (as opposed to "Totally LondOFF").

And a bunch of smaller towns in the US ...
Anchorage: City of Lights
Atlanta: World's Next International City
Bonsall: The Bridge To Paradise
Boston: The Hub of The Universe
Clarkson Valley: Less Government is Good Government
Coconut Creek: Butterfly Capital of the world
Las Vegas: Entertainment Capital of the World
Martinsville: A City Without Limits
Morgan City: Jumbo Shrimp Capital of the World
Nashville: The Music City
Pensacola: Just Do It!
Philadelphia: The City Of Brotherly Love
Sante Fe: The City Different
Whittemore: Cares More, Shares More.

And a bunch of smaller places in Britain ...
Birmingham: The Global City With The Local Heart
Cheshire: Stay. Explore. Relax. Indulge
Edinburgh: Inspiring capital.
Liverpool: The world in one city
Mid-Wales: Because mid-Wales is as unique as you are
Newcastle: World-class culture
Norwich: A fine city
Nottinghamshire: Our Style is Legendary
Peterborough: A city to surprise and delight you
Southport: Day time, night time, great time.
Tweeddale: Adventure, activity, culture, tranquility
Warwick: Experience The Past, Taste The Future
Worcester: An Ancient City with a Modern Outlook.

Ah hell, why don't we just go with "Sydney: The City Without A Slogan".

• by David Dale at 08:50 PM
• Comments (82)

WHO WE ARE: A city that can't be beat

To discuss the lyrics of Macarthur Park, go to The Tribal Mind.
A column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 30/3/2008
At last we have the definitive answer to a question that has plagued this nation for 150 years: which is better - Melbourne or Sydney? The once fierce competition between the two capitals has mellowed in recent years into a polite agreement that they are "different but equal" - that Melbourne's deficiencies in scenery are balanced by its advances in sophisticated lifestyle, that Sydney's shallowness is balanced by its energy, etc. To me, this is wimpy and tokenistic. I want a winner - even if that demand betrays my Sydney upbringing.

And now I can get my wish. The Bureau of Statistics has just released a set of social atlases for every capital city in Australia, based on data collected in the 2006 census. I've been over the Sydney and Melbourne atlases with a microscope and come up with comparisons that unlock the essential mysteries. Here they are ...

Who is richer? Earning more than $2000 a week after tax: 27.2 per cent of Sydney households, 20.7 per cent of Melbourne households. Earning less than $500 a week after tax: 20.1 per cent of Melbourne households, 18.2 per cent of Sydney households. Unemployed: 5.4 per cent of the Melbourne workforce, 5.2 per cent of the Sydney workforce. But then again, in Melbourne 37.1 per cent of homes are being purchased by their occupants, compared with 33.7 per cent of Sydney homes.

Who is more ethnically diverse? People born overseas: 37.0 per cent of Sydney's population, 31.6 per cent of Melbourne's. People who arrived from overseas since 2001: 6.9 per cent of Sydney's population, 5.7 per cent of Melbourne's. Indigenous people: 1.0 per cent of Sydney's population, 0.4 per cent of Melbourne's.

Who is better educated? Holding at least one university degree: 30.5 per cent of the workforce in Sydney; 28.5 per cent in Melbourne.

Who is younger? Aged under 5: 6.6 per cent of Sydney people and 6.3 per cent of Melbourne people. Aged over 75: 6.4 per cent in Melbourne, 5.9 per cent in Sydney.

Who is kinder? People over 15 who do unpaid volunteer work: 17.1 per cent in Melbourne, 16.2 per cent in Sydney.

Who is more traditional? In Sydney, 42.5 per cent of families consist of a couple with no dependent children, while in Melbourne the figure is 43.5 per cent. In Sydney 9.7 per cent of families have only one parent living with kids. In Melbourne the figure is 9.9 per cent. So, classic family structure (mum, dad, kids, not necessarily with white picket fence): 47.8 per cent in Sydney, 46.6 per cent in Melbourne.

Who is more eco-conscious? Taking public transport to work: 21.7 per cent in Sydney, 13.9 per cent in Melbourne.

Who is more snobbish? Attending private schools: 39.2 per cent of kids in Sydney, 38.7 per cent in Melbourne.

Who is more tech-savvy? Homes with broadband internet connection: 50.8 per cent in Sydney, 46.5 per cent in Melbourne.

Who is growing faster? Melbourne's population (3.467 million) grew 6.5 per cent since 2001. Sydney's population (3.645m) grew 4.1 per cent. But population density: 2058 people per square kilometre in Sydney, 1532 people per square kilometre in Melbourne.

Who is lonelier? People over 15 living alone: 10.6 per cent in Melbourne, 9.8 per cent in Sydney.

Now you know which is the the more interesting city. Tell us why, here ...

• by David Dale at 12:32 AM
• Comments (78)

WHO WE ARE: A festival of failure

To learn which city is better -- Melbourne or Sydney, go to Who We Are
For regular updates on Australian attitudes, bookmark http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

A column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 23/3/2008
Now is not the time to be urging a new hall of fame for Australia. The poverty-stricken federal government, faced with a surplus of only $18 billion, has cancelled funding promised by the previous government for a Fishing Hall of Fame and a Rugby League Hall of Fame. They will not join the Sports Hall of Fame (Melbourne); the Stockman's Hall of Fame (Longreach, Queensland); the Prospectors and Miners Hall of Fame (Kalgoorlie, WA); and the Shearer's Hall of Fame (Hay, NSW) in celebrating rare Australian achievements.

But what, we wonder, might be the government's reaction to the notion of a Hall of Failure? Surely we can learn as much about the national psyche from the things that Australians refuse to do as from the things they do. And Australia is often described as a land that loves its losers - a national song about a suicidal sheep rustler, making a hero of a horse thief hanged after bungling a bank robbery, a public holiday for a military fiasco, etc.

My inspiration comes from an institution I visited a few years back in the town of Naples, New York - The Museum of Failed Products. For 30 years a marketing expert named Robert McMath has been collecting the offcuts of capitalism - wondrous potions, gadgets and taste treats that were launched with the highest hopes, only to be spurned by the customers and fade into oblivion.

McMath showed me hair shampoos called A Touch of Yoghurt and Gimme Cucumber; beverages called Panda Punch, Wallaby Squash, and Afrokola (a copy of Coke for black people); instant meals for lonely people, called Singles; green potato chips called "I Hate Peas"; and personal care products described as "edible deodorant" and "spray-on toothpaste".

He even shows a jar of Vegemite, the subject of a brief promotional campaign 20 years ago in America, but rejected as "too foreign-tasting".

So what might be on display in Australia's equivalent? We need look no further than the back catalogue of a company called K-Tel Products, which had huge success during the 1970s with the Feathertouch Knife, the Brush-o-Matic, the Record Selector, the Dial-o-Matic vegetable slicer and the Fishin' Magician. I asked Ken McDonald, the Managing Director at the time, to reveal his worst sellers. He chose three:

The Deggorator, which required you to place a boiled egg in a little lathe and turn a handle so a row of pens painted designs on the egg. Australians preferred chocolate eggs at Easter.

The Single Knitting Needle, a kind of crochet hook designed to let a woman knit with one hand and hold a cup of tea with the other. You needed a PhD in structural engineering to use it.

The Pop-up Cigarette Dispenser, which clung to your car dashboard. It had sold well in Canada, but in our climate, the plastic would melt and buckle, so the device delivered S-shaped cigarettes.

If you have kept any of these devices from the golden age of gadgetry, or if you'd like to suggest other candidates for Australia's Hall of Lame -- products, people or proposals, tell us below.

We might be able to launch this project without government help. And if nobody comes to visit our museum, we can say it's an exhibit in itself.

• by David Dale at 07:00 AM
• Comments (37)

WHO WE ARE: The man who nearly changed everything

To vote for The Bogie Awards, go here

A column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 16/2/2008
Nobody knows what was actually said in the most important speech ever given in Australia, because it was not written down, and in any case it was in a language nobody speaks any more. We only know that the words almost changed the course of our history.

The speech must have been given in the year 1790 by a warrior named Pemulwuy. It had the effect of uniting the people who lived around Sydney harbour in opposition to the invaders who sailed in two years earlier. It led to 12 years of guerilla warfare. We can surmise that if the authorities in London had been fully aware of that war, they may well have abandoned, as a waste of money and manpower, the prison camp they'd established at the opposite end of the planet.

And we can speculate on what might have happened next: Would the French or the Dutch have moved in and done a deal with the locals? Or would Pemulwuy have continued to unify the tribes and create a new political structure?

Pemulwuy's story has parallels with Robin Hood in England, William Tell in Switzerland, Ho Chi Minh in Vietnam and Che Guevara in South America -- about equal parts veriable fact and heroic folklore.

A quick history: In 1790 Pemulwuy, a leader of the Bidjigal people who lived near Botany Bay, speared a man named John Mcentire, who worked as gamekeeper for Governor Arthur Phillip. Phillip despatched an officer called Watkin Tench (who kept detailed diaries) to hunt Pemulwuy and his followers, but they had vanished.

Pemulwuy persuaded the Eora, Dharug and Tharawal people to join his campaign against the newcomers. They burned food supplies and attacked settlers on the outskirts of the colony. This culminated in what has been called "the battle of Parramatta" in 1797, when about 100 of Pemulwuy's fighters (including some escaped Irish convicts) confronted English troops near the river. Pemulwuy was shot seven times and taken to the nearby hospital, but escaped (in leg irons) and continued the struggle.

Governor John Hunter wrote in 1798: "A strange idea was found to prevail among the natives respecting the savage Pe-mul-way, which was very likely to prove fatal to him in the end. Both he and they entertained an opinion, that, from his having been frequently wounded, he could not be killed by our fire-arms."

Pemulwuy was captured in 1802, when he would have been in his 40s. His head was slashed off with a sabre, preserved in alcohol and sent as a specimen to Sir Joseph Banks in London, along with a note from Governor Phillip Gidley King describing him as "an active, daring leader ... Altho a terrible pest to the colony, he was a brave and independent character."

The Pemulwuy story would make a great Australian movie (as in, a film Australians would actually go and see). Geoffrey Rush is Arthur Phillip. There's a role for Nicole Kidman as the Irish woman who joins Pemulwuy's army and advises him on how to demoralise the English invaders. Guy Pearce is Watkin Tench, the humane officer who loved the Irish woman and let Pemulwuy escape, only to see his sweetheart prefer the noble savage.

But who has the charisma to be Pemulwuy? If the film is funded by a Hollywood studio, the part will go to Denzel Washington or Russell Crowe. If we keep control of it here, Ernie Dingo comes to mind. He's impressive when he chooses to be serious. But there must be other candidates.

What do you think? We welcome your suggestions for the great Australian movie.

• by David Dale at 02:27 PM
• Comments (7)

WHO WE ARE: Talk is rich

To discuss whether Nicole Kidman has jumped the shark again, go to Nut guards.
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A column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 9/3/2008.
The readers have spoken. By a clear majority, they have given their ruling on who is Australia's greatest orator - the person responsible for the most significant speeches ever made on this continent. And in the process they've disposed of the myth that Australians are a people of few words, laconic bordering on inarticulate.

Last week this column published excerpts from six speeches often described as historical turning points, whether or not you agree with their sentiments. They were Arthur Phillip's warning to the new arrivals in 1788 ("a vigorous execution of the law -- whatever it may cost my feeling -- shall follow closely upon the heels of every offender"); Henry Parkes's call for federation in 1890 ("The crimson thread of kinship runs through us all"); Alfred Deakin's introduction of the White Australia Policy in 1901 ("It is not the bad qualities but the good qualities of these alien races that make them dangerous to us"); Paul Keating's Redfern speech in 1992 ("We brought the diseases. The alcohol. We committed the murders"); John Howard's Bali bombing memorial in 2002 ("The Australian spirit will remain strong and free and open and tolerant"); and Kevin Rudd's apology last month ("To the mothers and the fathers, the brothers and the sisters, for the breaking up of families and communities, we say sorry.") Click here to read that column.

Readers responded by nominating alternative candidates for the title of Australia's most important speech. Some examples:

Mustafa Kemal Ataturk, President of Turkey, remembering the Anzacs, 1934: "There is no difference between the Johnnies and the Mehmets to us where they lie side by side here in this country of ours ... You, the mothers, who sent their sons from far away countries, wipe away your tears. Your sons are now lying in our bosom and are in peace. After having lost their lives on this land, they have become our sons as well."

Labor leader Arthur Calwell opposing Australia's entry into the Vietnam war in 1965: "It is not our desire, when servicemen are about to be sent to distant battlefields, and when war - cruel, costly and interminable - stares us in the face, that the nation should be divided. When the drums beat and the trumpets sound, the voice of reason and right can be heard in the land only with difficulty. But if we are to have the courage of our convictions, then we must do our best to make that voice heard." (Speech written by Graham Freudenberg)

Prime Minister John Curtin asking the American people for help, 1942: "This war may see the end of much that we have painfully and slowly built in our 150 years of existence. But even though all of it go, there will still be Australians fighting on Australian soil until the turning point be reached, and we will advance over blackened ruins, through blasted and fire-swept cities, across scorched plains, until we drive the enemy into the sea. I give you the pledge of my country. There will always be an Australian Government and there will always be an Australian people. We are too strong in our hearts; our spirit is too high; the justice of our cause throbs too deeply in our being for that high purpose to be overcome. (Click here to hear it)

Liberal leader Robert Menzies on "The forgotten people", 1942: "The middle class who, properly regarded, represent the backbone of this country: First, it has a responsibility for homes: homes material, homes human, homes spiritual ... Second, the middle class, more than any other, provides the intelligent ambition which is the motive power of human progress ... Third, the middle class provides more than any other the intellectual life that marks us off from the beast; the life which finds room for literature, for the arts, for science, for medicine and the law ... Individual enterprise must drive us forward."

PM Paul Keating honouring the Unknown Soldier, 1993: "On all sides they were the heroes of that war: not the generals and the politicians, but the soldiers and sailors and nurses - those who taught us to endure hardship, show courage, to be bold as well as resilient, to believe in ourselves, to stick together. The Unknown Australian Soldier we inter today was one of those who by his deeds proved that real nobility and grandeur belongs not to empires and nations but to the people on whom they, in the last resort, always depend. It is not too much to hope, therefore, that this Unknown Australian soldier might continue to serve his country - he might enshrine a nation's love of peace and remind us that in the sacrifice of the men and women whose names are recorded here there is faith enough for all of us.

Of the 74 responses to last week's column, 22 voted for speeches by Paul Keating (including Redfern, the Unknown Soldier, and Waltzing Matilda). Some simultaneously accused him of incompetence and arrogance.

Several readers pointed out that Keating's speeches were written by Don Watson. So perhaps Watson should get any glory we are handing out today. But as Denise Davies remarked: "Watson wrote the way Keating thought and spoke. No euphemisms, no unambiguous language. Keating is a clear sighted visionary and he had the good fortune to link up with a magnificent speech writer."

Or perhaps we should reward spontaneity. As Micky wrote: "You all missed the point - a great speech by an Australian PM that reflects the ambitions, loves, hates, fears and very soul of its people: 'Any boss who sacks a worker for not turning up today is a bum' - RJ Hawke on the morning after Australia II won the America's Cup yacht race, 1983.

There's one more nomination I'd like to make. We don't know the actual words used in this speech, but we know it had a powerful effect. It was given -- several times, probably --by the Aboriginal leader Pemulwuy early in the year 1790. It caused the previously passive tribes of the Sydney region to unite in a campaign of guerilla warfare against the people they saw as invaders. The warfare ended only when Pemulwuy was captured and beheaded in 1802.

I'll give more details about that in next week's column, but in the meantime, give us your view on the speeches nominated so far ...

• by David Dale at 06:17 AM
• Comments (28)

WHO WE ARE: The power of speech

To learn why State governments should be abolished, go to The next big thing.

A column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 2/3/2008
It was short, clear and dignified, but was it the most important speech ever given on this continent?

We've had a month to ponder Kevin Rudd's apology. The latest Morgan opinion poll gives him a 77 per cent approval rating -- probably the highest in prime ministerial history -- and federal Labor would get 65 per cent of the two-party preferred vote if an election were held now. So apparently Australians were pleased with it.

But in historical context, its status might shrink a bit, or even enlarge. Consider these six excerpts from 220 years of rhetoric in a nation often described as inarticulate, and try to guess who uttered them:

1. "We took the traditional lands and smashed the traditional way of life. We brought the diseases. The alcohol. We committed the murders. We took the children from their mothers. It was our ignorance and our prejudice and our failure to imagine these things being done to us ... If we have a sense of justice, as well as common sense, we will forge a new partnership."

2. "You have my sacred word of honour that whenever ye commit a fault, you shall be punished, and most severely. I am no stranger to the use you make of every indulgence ... again I add that a vigorous execution of the law (whatever it may cost my feeling) shall follow closely upon the heels of every offender."

• by David Dale at 06:19 PM
• Comments (76)

WHO WE ARE: Chipped, baked, boiled and mashed

To discuss whether Nicole Kidman has jumped the shark again, go to Nut guards.
To discuss the most important speech ever given in Australia, go to Who We Are.

A column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald 24/2/2008
Deep within that seemingly staid organisation called The Australian Bureau of Statistics there are wellsprings of wondrous eccentricity. How else can we explain the Bureau's decision to include, among the 778 useful but dry pages in its just published 2008 Year Book Australia, a chapter devoted to "the world's favourite vegetable" -- a hymn which includes this observation: "The average potato, with the skin, has ... more iron and vitamin C than half a cup of spinach and important B vitamins and natural fibre .... If Popeye the Sailorman had known this, he may well have swapped his can of spinach for a baked potato!"

When I remarked to a friend on the bureau's mysterious passion, he offered this explanation: "Ah, they're sucking up to the new Government. The Labor Party is run by Irish Catholics and the Bureau of Stats thinks it'll get more funding if it promotes the spud."

That's too cynical for me. And it doesn't fit with the timing -- the book clearly went to press before November, because it declares on page 115: "Mr KM Rudd MP (Australian Labor Party) has been Leader of the Opposition since 4 December 2006".

The Bureau has good reason to nominate the potato as Our National Veg - even if it originated in South America (allegedly brought to Britain by Sir Walter Raleigh around 1590 and first successfully planted on this continent in 1797).

Australia is a world leader in spud production. Although we limit ourselves to just 12 of the 5,000 varieties available, it's the veg we produce in greatest quantity (1.3 million tonnes a year, well ahead of the tomato on 449,000 tonnes, and the carrot on 272,000).

The bureau's anonymous essayist says: "Average world yield in 2005 was about 18 tonnes per hectare. Australia's national average yield (35.4 tonnes/ha) easily surpassed this rate and was on a par with that for Denmark and Ireland." Equal with Ireland! It doesn't get much cooler than that, potato fans.

But we're not pulling our weight on the consumption side. "In Europe, people eat an estimated 93 kg of potatoes a year," the chapter reports, while the average Australian swallows only 63 kg a year. "The probable causes for this decline in consumption are lifestyle changes, takeup of well marketed substitute products and dietary factors," the chapter laments.

To me, 64 kg a year for every child, woman and man seems quite a lot, but we need to eat faster if we're to match those frying fools in France.

Of course you are asking at this point: "If the potato is the national vegetable, what is the national fruit?" The answer is round and orange. We produce 496,000 tonnes of oranges a year (from 6.5 million trees), compared with 276,500 tonnes of apples (from 8.8 million trees), 177,000 tonnes of bananas and 175,000 tonnes of pineapples (the bureau doesn't count the number of banana plants and, as you know, pineapples don't grow on trees).

And just to complete the bureau's picture of our eating habits, I should unveil the national animal. We share this continent with 2.7 million pigs, 29 million cattle, 93 million sheep, and 94 million hens and roosters. (Of course, we should be eating kangaro, for both health and environmental reasons, but we don't.)

So the message is clear. For the true patriot, it's chicken and chips every night. Even if you're Popeye the Sailorman.

What should we celebrate as the national veg, fruit and animal?

• by David Dale at 06:59 PM
• Comments (13)

WHO WE ARE: The next big thing is a Statectomy

For regular updates on Australian attitudes, bookmark http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
To find out if you are suitable to be an Australian citizen, go to Who We Are

A column about Australia, by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald 17/2/2008
A smart shrink once wrote that to be happy, a human being needs three things: something to do, someone to love and something to look forward to. This column can't help with the first two, but I've been pondering lately the question of the next big social transformation this country needs, once we've sorted out the republic. The answer is: abolish the States.

Fixing the republic is almost too easy. We need only change the title of our head of state from governor-general to administrator. We've become constipated by the word "president", which sounds scary because it seems to set up an alternative power base to the prime minister. An administrator, chosen by the government (as now) but no longer in need of rubber stamping from a monarch in another country, would merely open official functions and be available to act as referee if there's an insoluble dispute.

When that's done, we can move to a less symbolic but more important advance -- simplifying the political structure. There's no better time to start because we have unprecedented cooperation between Canberra and the States, and unprecedented public support for the central government (a Morgan poll taken just before last week's apology shows that if an election were held now, Labor would get 62 per cent of the two party preferred vote -- a swing to it of nine points since its victory in November). Do the State leaders have the courage to put themselves out of a job?

Australia must be the most over-governed nation on the planet. We elect 226 politicians to Canberra (76 senators, 150 members of the House of Representatives). We elect 585 politicians to upper and lower houses in our state and territory parliaments.

And we elect 6300 alderfolk to 677 local councils. That's a total of 7,120 elected officials, or one politician for every 3,000 people. Along with them come thousands of public servants, all busily contradicting, confusing and duplicating the work of their counterparts in the other tiers of government.

As Australia's most interesting prime minister, Gough Whitlam, observed: "There are few functions which the State parliaments now perform which would not be better performed by the Australian parliament or by regional councils. The States are too large to deal with local matters and too small and weak to deal with national issues." At the other end of the spectrum, John Howard saw no value in "state parochialism" and remarked that if Australia's system of government had been established at the start of the 21st century, it is unlikely a federal structure would have been the outcome.

Like our monarchy, the States are a hangover from an age when this continent contained colonies with boundaries drawn up by English bureaucrats who didn't understand the geography. Lets eliminate them, and at the same time amalgamate the 677 councils into 100 regional governments, each representing about 200,000 citizens.

The central government would deal with defence, law enforcement, health, education, and environmental and economic management. The regional bodies, with 20 elected officials each, would be responsible for garbage collection, road maintenance, building regulations, licensing of pubs and casinos, fire protection and community activities.

You can already envisage one useful side-effect of abolishing the States and amalgamating the councils -- the liberation of a great deal of magnificent real estate (houses of parliament, ministerial offices, treasury buildings, town halls).

But lets not be greedy. Instead of selling them off, we should preserve them (as theatres, hospitals, museums, prisons, libraries and colleges). Then our grandchildren will see that the visionaries of 2010 knew how to respect the past as well as when to move into the future. That's something to look forward to.

What do you think? Should we abolish the states and when?

• by David Dale at 04:18 PM
• Comments (63)

WHO WE ARE: What every applicant needs to know

For a daily update on social trends, bookmark http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare
To learn why State governments should be abolished, go to The next big thing.

A column about Australia, by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 10/2/2008
Do you have the knowledge necessary to flourish at work and play in Australia -- not the history stuff you learnt at school and instantly forgot, but an understanding of what Australians are like in the 21st century? Are you brave enough to test yourself?

I'll give you a set of answers, and you suggest the questions that gave rise to them. If you read this column last week, you'll be ahead of the game. Don't look to the end yet ...

The Answers
1 To squash; to remove; go into a rage; an isolated inland area; frequent intercourse (as in bangs like ...); stomach upset.
2. 1.7 % of the population; 26 %; 2.5 %; 54 %; 0.5 %; 85%.
3 The Sound of Music; Crocodile Dundee; Star Wars; E.T.; Titanic.
4 Dancing With The Stars; Kath and Kim; Friends; Border Security; Desperate Housewives.
5 106 times a year.
6 Are you awake, love?
7. 90,000 a year.
8. $644; $3,000; mother father, 1.75 children.
9. AFL, rugby league, tennis, cricket, horse racing, swimming, rugby union, soccer.
10 Heart disease; cancer; strokes; accidents; diabetes.
11 74% of adults.
12 The belief, now declining, that Australia can never do anything as well as the British or the Americans; the belief, now growing, that we have nothing to learn from the rest of the world.
13 Thongs, spaghetti bolognese (pad thai a close second), cappuccino, tomato sauce (soy sauce a close second), G'day.
14 $US3.7 million to Nicole Kidman for a four minute Chanel No 5 commercial.
15 San Remo pasta; Ingham's frozen chicken.
16 Frank McEnroe; Cyril Callister; Norman Lindsay; Max Schubert; Edwin Street.
17 Taken by a dingo at Ayer's rock; lost swimming off a beach near Melbourne; arrested arriving in Bali with marijuana in her boogie board bag.
18. Anzac Day (landing of Australian troops in Turkey in 1915); the English monarch's birthday; the Melbourne Cup horse race; Armistice Day in 1918 and the dismissal of PM Gough Whitlam by the Governor-General in 1975.
19. Boundless plains.
20. The Nobel Prize.

• by David Dale at 06:39 AM
• Comments (2)

WHO WE ARE: How to be suitable

To learn how Australians are different from Americans, go to The Tribal Mind
To join our daily forum about television, bookmark http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare
To learn how Australians talk, go to Head like a chewed Mintie.

A column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 3/2/2008
Most people who live in this country can go for years without talking about Don Bradman, Walter Lindrum or Hubert Opperman. But if a new citizen doesn't know which of them was a cricketer and which was a pool shark, he or she is likely to become a social leper and an unemployable burden on the economy.

That apparently, is the view of Kevin Rudd, who last week put the kibosh on a plan by his immigration minister, Chris Evans, to give the flick to the Bradman question which may appear in the values test taken by applicants for Australian citizenship. Senator Evans thinks "sporting trivia" is not "critical knowledge" for functioning effectively in this society. His boss thinks it is.

Last year this column spent some time ridiculing the values test and the study booklet which accompanies it, and I was delighted last week at the possibility that the new government might modernise it. I hope the PM does not feel the need to intervene to protect every last vestige of Howard memorabilia.

But it's time I stopped ridiculing and started helping. I hereby submit a set of questions designed to test if you have the essential data for survival in Australia. If you don't get at least 15 of these right, you might as well go back to where you came from ...
1. Define these expressions: "put the kibosh on"; "give the flick to"; "chuck a wobbly"; "back of woopwoop"; "like a dunny door"; "tummy wog".

2. What percentage of Australia's residents are: Muslims; Catholics; of Aboriginal background; obese or overweight; homeless; living within 50 km of the sea.

3. What are the five movies seen by the greatest number of Australians alive today?

4. What are the five TV series seen by the greatest number of Australians alive today?

5. How many times a year does the average Australian say he or she has intercourse?

6. What's an Australian man's idea of foreplay?

7. How many abortions are performed each year in Australia's hospitals and clinics?

8. How much does the average Australian family have as spending money each week, after tax? How much does the average family owe on credit cards? What is the average Australian family, anyway?

9. Rank these sports in order of popularity, as measured by attendances at games and audiences on TV: soccer, tennis, rugby union, AFL, racing, rugby league, swimming.

10. Rank these causes of death in order of frequency: Diabetes; heart disease; strokes; cancer; accidents.

11. What percentage of adults say they agree with the statement "Immigrants make Australia open to new ideas and cultures"?

12. Explain the difference between the cultural cringe and the cultural strut.

13. What is the national footwear, dish, drink, condiment, and greeting?

14. What was the highest fee per minute ever paid to an actor (world record held by an Australian)?

15. Of the 40 top selling products in Australian supermarkets, which two are made in Australia by an Australian owned company?

16. Name the inventer of: The Chiko Roll; Vegemite; the Magic Pudding; Grange Hermitage; the Paddle Pop.

17. What happened to: Azaria Chamberlain; Harold Holt; Schappelle Corby?

18. What do we commemorate on April 25; June 13; first Tuesday in November; November 11?

19. What do we have to share with those who've come from across the seas?

20. What do these men have in common: Peter Doherty; Patrick White; Barry Marshall; Howard Florey?

We'll attempt explanations in The answers. But feel free to give them a try here, and to suggest other revealing questions.

• by David Dale at 04:16 PM
• Comments (51)

WHO WE ARE: Wankers, geeks, and dust sniffers

To learn why State governments should be abolished, go to The next big thing.
For background on popular culture, go to
The films Australia loved.
The TV shows Australia loved.
The music Australia loved.
The DVDs Australia loved.

A column about Australia, by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald 4/2/2007.
Anybody who goes to an art gallery is a wanker, right? There are 3.6 million wankers in Australia. Only geeks go to libraries, so this country has 5.4 million geeks. Dance performances are for poofs and fag-hags, and now we know Australia has 1.6 million people like that.

Outside of school projects, you wouldn't go sniffing dust in a museum unless you were a complete dag. Ring up 3.6 million as the national dag total. And anybody who has time to go wafting round a botanic garden needs to get a life - advice you must now offer to 5.4 million of your compatriots.

A survey released by the Bureau of Statistics under the catchy title Attendance at Selected Cultural Venues and Events challenges the conventional wisdom that Australia is a land of jocks and slobs. It turns out Australians are wankier, poofier, geekier and daggier than most of us imagined.

When I wrote about similar research back in 2002 (using the same introductory paragraph as I used here) the librarians got excited and reprinted my report in their journals. They'll be less inclined to celebrate this time. At the beginning of this decade, 38 per cent of Australians said they visited a library at least once a year. Now only 34 per cent say that.

That's not to say we're replacing scholarly pursuits with vulgar amusements: attendance at sporting events dropped from 46 per cent in 1999 to 44 per cent last year, with the main losers being tennis, motor sports, and cricket. Art gallery attendances have risen from 21 per cent to 23, museums from 20 to 23 and dance from 9 to 10. And the librarians may be consoled to learn that their remaining fans are loyal bordering on obsessive -- two thirds of whose who visit libraries do so more than six times a year, and a quarter of them go more than 20 times a year.

The Bureau drew these conclusions from interviewing people aged over 15 in 14,200 households. That's an enormous sample compared with the 3000 households from which television ratings are estimated. It enabled the bureau to dissect our leisure cholices thus:

HOW AUSTRALIA GOES OUT
Percentage of people over 15 who visit at least once a year ...
1. The cinema: 65 per cent. Peak attenders: women aged 15-24.
2. Sporting events: 44 per cent (of which AFL 16 per cent, horse racing 12, rugby league 9, motor sports 9, cricket 5, soccer 4). Peak attenders: men 18-24.
3 Zoos and aquariums: 36 per cent. Families with young children.
4 Libraries: 34 per cent. Women 35-44.
5 Botanic gardens: 34 per cent. Women 55-64.
6 Pop concerts: 25 per cent. Unmarried people 18-24.
7 Museums: 23 per cent. Families with young children.
8 Art galleries: 23 per cent. Women 45-64.
9 Theatre: 17 per cent. Women 45-64..
Continued here

• by David Dale at 05:40 PM
• Comments (23)

WHO WE ARE: I know what you did this summer

To find out if you are suitable to be an Australian citizen, go to Who We Are
For the latest media trends, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
For background on popular culture, go to
The films Australia loved.
The TV shows Australia loved.
The music Australia loved.
The DVDs Australia loved.
A weekly column about Australia, by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 27/01/2008
There's much to be learned about a nation from the way it relaxes. The Australia Day weekend is the symbolic closure of the summer holidays, when we reflect on what we've seen and heard over those lazy, hazy and (this year) rainy days. Here's what Australia discovered this month:

1. If you type a letter you don't intend to send, and you include a swearword in the letter, and then accidentally send the letter, you shouldn't be surprised if it ruins your life.

2. "I'm Mrs Most likely to get on the TV for strippin' on the streets, when getting the groceries, no, for real. I'm Mrs Lifestyles of the rich and famous. I'm Mrs Oh my God that Britney's Shameless. I'm Mrs Extra! Extra! this just in. I'm Mrs She's too big, now she's too thin."

3. The It Girl of the moment is Katherine Heigl - featured on the cover of every second glossy on the newsstand and able to draw an audience to a movie on the strength of her name alone. Her male counterpart is Will Smith.

4. "My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing. You cut me open and I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love, keep bleeding I keep, keep bleeding love."

5. It's possible to continue a television career after a car crash in which you suffered massive brain damage.

6. "I feel so untouched right now, need you so much somehow, I can't forget you, I've gone crazy from the moment I met you."

7. Although she's made some dumb script choices in recent years, Nicole Kidman is actually not a bad actress - she's certainly the most interesting thing in The Golden Compass, apart from the special effects. Matt Damon, by contrast, is a limited actor who makes brilliant script choices. One question raises itself, though: what actually was Bourne's ultimatum, and at what point in the film did he deliver it?

8. A packet of mixed fruit counts as "one ingredient".

9. In America in the early 1960s, racial integration was achieved through music.

10. "I'm holding on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground, and I'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound."

Those observations are explained by this data ...

What we've been reading: According to Nielsen BookScan, the top selling books this month were Atonement, by Ian McEwan (1); 4 Ingredients, by Kim McCosker and Rachael Bermingham (8); The Persimmon Tree, by Bryce Courtenay; and Jamie At Home, by Jamie Oliver.

What we've been watching: According to OzTAM, the second India vs Australia cricket test peaked at 2 million viewers in the mainland capitals; the Federer-Berdych night match in the Australian Open tennis peaked at 1.9 million; and Top Gear, with Richard Hammond (5) back from his car crash, peaked at 1 million, a miracle for SBS. According to GfK Marketing, the top selling DVDs this month were The Bourne Ultimatum (7), Hairspray (10), and The Simpsons Movie.

What we queued for: According to the Motion Picture Distributors Association of Australia, I Am Legend, starring Will Smith (7), sold about 2 million tickets; The Golden Compass (3) and Alvin and the Chipmunks each sold 1.4 million; 27 dresses, starring Katherine Heigl (7), and Enchanted each sold one million.

What we listened to: According to the Australian Record Industry Association, the most downloaded tracks this month have been Piece of Me, by Britney Spears (2); Bleeding Love, by Leona Lewis (4); Untouched, by The Veronicas (6); and Apologise, by Timbaland (10). The top selling albums have been Shock Value by Timbaland; In Rainbows, by Radiohead; and As I Am, by Alicia Keys.

What we've been talking about: Corey Worthington's party; Heath Ledger's death; the collapse of the share market.

And now we can get back to work.

What does all this reveal about Australians?

• by David Dale at 06:14 PM
• Comments (0)

WHO WE ARE: A State of the Nation report

To find out if you are suitable to be an Australian citizen, go to Who We Are
For the latest media trends, go to The Ratings Race

A column by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 20/1/2008
A landmark in Australian history took us by surprise last year. The population passed 21 million. Twelve months ago the Bureau of Statistics was predicting we'd reach our new millionstone sometime in 2008, based on the theory that we were getting a new baby every two minutes and four seconds and a new immigrant every four minutes.

Then the boffins saw the latest birth and immigration figures and hurriedly revised their calculations, giving us only a few week's notice of the big event on Friday June 29, 2007.

In the mid Noughties, Australian women between 30 and 39 started breeding like bunnies, pushing our birth rate up from 1.79 babies per woman in 2001 to 1.81 in 2006. And the economic boom created huge demand for skilled immigrants, so our net intake rose from 110,000 in 2004-2005 to 147,000 in 2005-2006 -- mostly from Britain, China and India.

If you look at the bureau's population clock today (at www.abs.gov.au), you'll see a figure close to 21,200,000, based on a kid arriving every one minute and 56 seconds and an immigrant joining us every three minutes and five seconds. We'll hit our next millionstone early in 2010. Better start organising the party now.

This is how our 21 million splits up: 13.3 per cent of us are over 65, 19.8 per cent are under 15, 2.3 per cent are of Aboriginal background, and 22 per cent were born overseas (of whom 1.6 per cent speak Italian at home, 1.3 per cent speak Greek and 1.1 per cent speak Mandarin, like Kevin Rudd.) Some 21 per cent are smokers, 48 per cent are overweight or obese, and 85 per cent live within 50 km of the sea.

Here's what else we can say about ourselves after a year of transformations ...

FAMILY LIFE
In 2006 there were 265,900 births - the highest number since 1971. There were 133,700 deaths, which meant the lowest death rate ever. The health system is keeping us alive longer.

But the demographers think the baby shower will be brief -- more of a blip than a boom -- and by the year 2020, Australia's dominant family type will couples without children. At the moment they form 37 per cent of Australia's 5.7 million families (up from 34 per cent in 1996), while 45 per cent are couples with children (down from 50 per cent), and 15.8 per cent of families have only one parent (up from 14.5). In addition, there are 2.2 million households containing only one person.

As our families shrink, our wealth expands. The average household is earning 30 per cent more than ten years ago, and living large - 77 per cent of homes have at least one empty bedroom. The average household has wealth of $563,000 (assets $655,000, debts $92,000).

But we're spending way ahead of what we're making. The Reserve Bank says Australians owe more than $41 billion on our 13.7 million credit and charge cards, almost double the amount of five years ago. Nearly 32,000 people went bankrupt in 2006-07.

RELATIONSHIPS
Maybe it's laziness, or maybe it's modesty, but an online survey organised by the condom maker Durex found that Australia ranks 12th among 16 western nations in terms of the amount of sex we say we're getting.

• by David Dale at 04:50 PM
• Comments (11)

WHO WE ARE: Graduating from the spaghetti sandwich

To find out if you are suitable to be an Australian citizen, go to Who We Are
For the latest media trends, go to The Ratings Race
To find out which stories and characters Australians love best, go to The Tribal Mind

A weekly column about Australia, by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 20/1/2008
Peck's paste; lettuce and vegemite; Smith's crisps and tomato sauce; peanut butter, honey, and sultanas; Nutella and margarine; mashed banana and corn flakes ... tempting as these fillings sound, they are not enough to convince me that the sandwich could ever be the pinnacle of Australian culinary endeavour.

Last week (see below) this column lamented the news that Australia's most purchased takeaway item is not the hamburger, not fried chicken, not pizza, not the meat pie but, after all these years of cultural development, still the sandwich. An avalanche of protest descended upon me.

"Sydneysider" wrote: "Nothing but nothing will ever beat the good old Aussie salad sandwich or roll, not forgetting the mandatory beetroot! Mum used to make us our salad sangas for school and thoughtfully wrap the beetroot in a bit of Gladwrap separately so it didn't turn the entire lunch box pink!!!! It's still my favourite for lunch."

Some readers realize now that they didn't know when they were well off ... Louisa: "Coming from an Italian background, my sandwich fillings were always exotic -- crumbed veal (my fav), or fried capsicum (also yum), salami cheese and lettuce, the source of many derogatory comments from my classmates. If I could talk Mum into it, she would give me Vegemite or Peanut Butter (but this was yuck by the time you got to eat it). I was jealous of the devon and tomato sauce sangers my friends used to get."

Onie: "Trading was a bit hard with sultanas & jam, cold meatballs & tomato, home made spag bol (very stinky). I eventually rebelled and asked for tomato, celery and plastic cheese for the next 6 years."

Others found ways of improving on traditional stylings ... Richard Salter: "My favourite was 2 sausage rolls stuffed in a buttered roll." Iain Gorry: "We brought buttered bread from home and put in either a Wagon Wheel or salt & vinegar chips." Shaygh: "My youngest sister invented the crunchy nut breakfast sandwich: crunchy nut corn flakes, peanut butter, honey and squashed banana."

Amy: "I'd buy a pack of BBQ chips and squash them between my chicken roll (or devon) sandwich. Although I really do miss that sugar rush of a 100 & 1000s spinkled on a triangle of buttered bread for only 5 cents."

There were, however, a few readers who shared my horror ... Ian: "Mum made us Peck's paste sandwiches for the week on Sunday - froze them all and gave us them frozen each morning for years. None of us wanted to hurt her feelings so we loyally ate them - sometimes defrosted, sometimes half frozen. Jeez it gave us a strong digestive system."

Crooklyn Dodger: "Nothing was worse than my mum's bizarre early morning concoction for my packed lunch: Nutella and margarine on a cheese and bacon roll! Straight in the bin, love ya mum."

EP: "Occasionally we used to get tinned salmon sandwiches, which were nice fresh but smelt like dead fish after half a day in your 'port' (to use Qld vernacular). But the King of all sandwiches has to be Peanut Butter, Bacon and Banana."

I remain unconvinced. Give me cold leftovers of pad thai noodles any day.

• by David Dale at 07:33 AM
• Comments (82)

WHO WE ARE: Head like a chewed Mintie

For daily updates on media trends, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

A weekly column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 6/1/2008
Today's column is a thankyou card to the hundreds of readers who contributed over the past 12 months to my ongoing investigations of the Australian soul. Two research projects were particular triumphs: identifying The National Turn of Phrase and identifying The Sounds of Australia .

The first project was inspired by Kevin Rudd's observation that Sheik Taj el-Hilaly might be "a few sandwiches short of a picnic". I asked readers to nominate other Australianisms, and to update the traditional favourites with current personalities and issues. A sampling of the response:

The national turn of phrase
All over the place like a wet dog on lino.
As much hope as the Titanic with Mark Latham in the wheelhouse.
As popular as ... a cross city tunnel; a paparazzo at a Tom Cruise wedding.
Busier than ... a one-armed taxi driver with crabs, a one-armed bill-poster in a stiff breeze, a one-armed bricklayer in Baghdad, a one-legged man in an ass-kicking competition.
Couldn't ... fight his way out of a wet paper bag, find a root in a brothel (with a fistful of fivers), organise a fart in a curry house, organise a pissup in a brewery, pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Face like a dropped pie.
Full as a Corby boogie board bag
Going off like your nanna in Spotlight.
Head like a chewed Mintie.
If he fell into a barrel full of tits he'd come up sucking his thumb.
Playing up like a secondhand whippersnipper.
Self-effacing as Eddie McGuire
Silly as a bum full of Smarties.
Smiling like a mother-in-law in a divorce court.
So unlucky he'd be killed by a tsunami in the Simpson Desert.
Slick as snot on a door knob.
Ugly as a hatful of arseholes
Useless as ... tits on a bull, a glass door on a dunny, a letterbox on a tombstone, a pork chop at a synagogue.
Vanished like a fart in a fan factory.
Welcome as a fart in a two-man sub.
Wouldn't shout in a shark attack.

The second project was inspired by The National Film and Sound Archive's appeal for recordings vital to our heritage. Having already preserved the likes of Gough Whitlam's post-dismissal speech, Johnny O'Keefe singing She's My Baby and Down Under, the Archive wanted suggestions on other material of that ilk. I asked readers to think more broadly about the noises we make, and found the suggestions fell into these categories:

Rustic experiences: A creaky gate; lorikeets; didgeridoo; an outdoor dunny door banging in the wind; driving over a cow grate; rain on a corrugated-iron roof; flock of galahs coming in before sunset; screen door slamming; the popping of mangroves; geckos chattering on the ceiling; the splat of a cane toad on bitumen.

Urban experiences: The swipe of a credit card; the final siren of any AFL game; Pluto pups being crisped to greasy excellence; yobbos screaming "F--- off, poofter" as their Holden Commodore sails past.

Suburban experiences: The squeak of a Hills Hoist; the screech of a cockatoo before a storm; magpies warbling; the whine of a mosquito on a steamy night; kookaburras; flying foxes fighting over fruit.

Advertising: It's Time (1972 election); Happy Little Vegemites; A little each day is a good recipe; You oughta be congradulated; Not happy, Jan; Spreading disease with the greatest of ease; Come on Aussie, Come On.

In the end, the only reader's suggestion which overlapped with the archive's selection was the ABC radio news theme, Majestic Fanfare (1943). We hope to have greater impact when the Archive launches its 2008 appeal next month. If you'd like to add nominations in either of our ongoing projects, use the comment space below ...

• by David Dale at 07:30 AM
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WHO WE ARE: A cure for droopy hair and noisy neighbours

For the latest media trends, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare

A weekly column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 30/12/2007
This column was quite irrationally chuffed to discover, in a London supermarket last week, a product which sought to attract English customers by ascribing mystic properties to Australia. It was labelled thus: "Aussie Mega Shampoo ... It cleans without the build-up that causes hair to droop. Australian Kangaroo Paw Flower grows wild in the south western corner of Western Australia. Multicoloured and velvety to the touch, this flower is blended into our unique formula which adds vitality and shine to hair. 'There's more to life than hair, but it's a good place to start' -- The Aussie Philosophy. Weybridge, Surrey."

So now you know the Aussie philosophy. That capped off a collection I'd been making this year of things other people have said about us, from which we may learn about ourselves. Here are some samples from my collection ...

Our language. The Los Angeles Times published this correction in July: "In Monday's Morning Briefing column in Sports, Australian swimmer Leisel Jones was quoted as saying 'Good honour', referring to former swimmer Amanda Beard's appearing in a Playboy pictorial. In fact, Jones said 'Good on her'."

And in August, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported that Sophie Reynolds, 41, of Queanbeyan, was met by three police officers on her arrival in Pittsburgh after she said "fair dinkum" to a flight attendant on Skywest Airlines. Reynolds had been frustrated by the attendant's claim that there were no pretzels. "She said they didn't have any, and I said, 'fair dinkum', out of frustration," Reynolds explained. "Say you're telling me a story, and I think it's amazing, I'd say 'fair dinkum'." Reynolds said another attendant requested her passport and copied down her details, and the Pittsburgh police said: "You swore at the hostess and there are federal rules against that." On its website, the newspaper gave readers an opportunity to vote for their "favorite Aussie sayings", with these results: Crikey! (273 votes); G'day! (250); Fair dinkum! (115), and Bob's your uncle! (108).

Our size. In February, The New York Post, which is owned and edited by men born in this country, praised Australia's involvement in Iraq: "It shouldn't be necessary to point out that Australia is a nation of but 17 million, and that 1400 soldiers, relatively speaking, is the equivalent of more than 25,000 American troops - more than an entire division."

In July, John Barrowman, who plays Captain Jack in the flop series Torchwood, told a BBC interviewer: "Funnily enough Torchwood has just aired in Australia and is, like, the second most popular show in Oz. I mean there's about 50 people in Oz but that doesn't make any difference."

Our sensitivity. Writing in The Guardian in August, Germaine Greer described reaction to her suggestion that Steve Irwin had been an animal-exploiter, not a national hero: "Lately someone has been throwing food at the windows of my house in England, mostly eggs, sometimes jam doughnuts, once corned-beef hash and shaved ham, and, this weekend, two dead rabbits ...

"What I said has now also been said by naturalists and conservationists writing in the dedicated press, but still I'm the one who gets the death threats. As Australia gradually morphs into California, it is losing its respect for honesty and directness. Ballyhoo rules, and it's not OK."

Our behaviour. In April, The London Daily Telegraph discussed a report from the Office for National Statistics: "Since the 1980s there has been a fivefold increase in complaints about noise from rowdy neighbours. Campaigners say the problem is likely to worsen with summer looming because many homeowners have begun to treat their gardens as 'outdoor rooms' and have acquired the noisy outdoor habits more usually associated with Australians."

And in August, US talk show host David Letterman, on The Late Show, reported: "Here's a fascinating story: there's a man in Australia and he spent the last 15 years of his life typing -- typing -- the numbers 'one' to 'one million.' Fifteen years of his life typing the numbers 'one,' starting out with 'o-n-e,' fifteen years, 'one' to 'one million' -- and, guess what, girls? He's single.''

Our performers. In November, Film Threat magazine listed Nicole Kidman as one of the least hot people in Hollywood: "She may have escaped Tom Cruise, but when her long legs stopped running, she realised she had trampled her career as well. After a string of bombs including The Stepford Wives, Birth, Bewitched, and The Invasion, Kidman's simply the latest in a long, proud legacy of Down Under Under-achievers ... and Hugh Jackman's on borrowed time as well. Anti-Freeze: Rumor has it that George Miller is casting for Mad Max 4. Perhaps he could use a new Warrior Woman character..."

Our eating habits. In July, The New York Times published an editorial about a California Court decision to ban the use of kangaroo leather in sports shoes, and noted: "Although bald eagle on the menu would seem unthinkable in the United States, in Australia the formerly endangered kangaroo is commonly found as barbecued kebabs or stir fried with vegetables." Really? I'd like to try that.

What insights into the Australian character have you read this year?

• by David Dale at 05:38 PM
• Comments (43)

WHO WE ARE: Using our time nicely

A weekly column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 23/12/2007
Since this is the time of year when Santa is double checking his list for niceness or naughtiness, this column should assist by examining what the kids of Australia have been up to lately. It's looking pretty bright.

We know, for example, that most of them saw at the cinema and then bought on DVD four worthy moral fables: Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix, Happy Feet, Transformers, and Shrek The Third. That's all nice - those movies carry useful messages about care for the environment, freedom of expression, standing up to bullies, and loyalty to friends and family.

On television, the under-12s largely avoided ads for junk food and junk toys when they got home from school, and instead watched a wholesome array of ABC programs such as Curious George, Tupu, Word Girl, Dinosapien and Bindi The Jungle Girl. On the commercial networks, their favourite was The Simpsons, with its themes of tolerance for diversity and scorn for hypocrisy.

The research organisation Nielsen Online recently released a survey of 500 families which suggests that kids aged six to 17 average this kind of media usage: watching television 9.2 hours a week; listening to music or radio 7.9 hours; studying 6.4 hours; doing sport or exercise 6.3 hours; on the Internet 6 hours; reading books 5 hours; playing video games 4.9 hours; and using the mobile phone 3.2 hours (25 per cent of kids under 11 and 82 per cent of 15-17 year olds own a mobile).

It's on the web that we're at most risk of finding signs of naughtiness. The Bureau of Statistics says 92 per cent of families with children under 15 have Net access, and 68 per cent of families have a broadband connection. Nielsen's "eGeneration Report" found that 78 per cent of kids say they use the Net for homework research, 71 per cent for online games, 60 per cent for email, 51 per cent for entertainment info, and 50 per cent for instant messaging.

Nielsen found the use of email has dropped 11 per cent since 2005. "It appears the commenting and messaging features of social networking sites like MySpace and bebo have overtaken the less interactive and personal nature of email," the report says. "As more and more youth adopt and engage with these interactive and social sites, it will most likely follow that daily use of the internet will increase - as kids will find it necessary to update their online identities frequently and respond to messages from friends with nearly the same timeliness of phone or face-to-face communications."

Should Santa worry that this is getting out of control? Not necessarily. It seems parents are responding to changing media almost as quickly as their offspring. Nielsen reported that 70 per cent of the families surveyed had introduced rules about Net usage, and more than a third of families had installed some form of filtering or monitoring software.

Nielsen also noted that since 2005, "the incidence of Internet connections in a 'secluded' area of the home such as a study or child's bedroom has decreased significantly - office connections and connections in children's bedrooms are both down 11 percentage points to 31 percent and nine percent respectively. Conversely there has been a large increase in the number of connections in 'other' areas of the household such as kitchens and family rooms where online activities can be more closely observed."

Hopefully Santa will bear this in mind when he comes to analysing how nice parents have been this year. Have a good one.

• by David Dale at 05:44 PM
• Comments (1)