The Sun-Herald

The Tribal Mind: The films Australia loved

FOR THE LATEST UPDATE OF THIS CHART, AND A FORUM TO DISCUSS IT, GO TO The Tribal Mind.

List of the 150 highest-grossing movies of all time, and the 65 movies seen by the greatest number of Australians, prepared by David Dale for The Sydney Morning Herald from data provided by the Motion Picture Distributors Association of Australia. Last updated June 10, 2010.

Top flicks of the past 12 months: Avatar $115 million; Alice in Wonderland $37.5 m; Sherlock Holmes $26m; Iron Man 2 $26m; Sex and the City 2 $23m; Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel $23m; How To Train Your Dragon $20.5m; Clash of the Titans $19.5m; Shrek Forever After 19m; Robin Hood $18.5m; It's Complicated $16m; Valentine's Day $16m; The Blind Side $13.2m; Prince of Persia $11m; Tooth Fairy $10.5m; Shutter Island $10m; Date Night $9m. Hangovers from last year: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince $40.6m; Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen $40.3m; New Moon $39m; Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs $29.8m; Up $28m; The Hangover $21.4m.
Australian films in the past 12 months: Mao's Last Dancer $15.2m; Bran Nue Day $7.5m; The Kings of Mykonos $5m; Animal Kingdom $4m; Charlie and Boots $3.7m; Samson and Delilah $3.2m; Beneath Hill 60 $3.1m; Bright Star $2.9m; Daybreakers $2.4m (worldwide $35m); I Love You Too $2.4m; Animal Kingdom $2m.

Australia's total box office for 2009 was $1.09 billion -- 15 per cent more than the record figure in 2008. But the number of admissions was 90.7 million, less than the record 92.5 million in 2001 and 2002. Average ticket price in 2009 was $12. Australian films got 5 per cent of the box office.

The Australian box office
1. Avatar (2009) $115m
2. Titanic (1997) $57.6 million
3. Shrek 2 (2004) $50.4m
4. The Return of the King (2003) $49.4m
5. Crocodile Dundee (1986) $47.7m
6. Fellowship of the Ring (2001) $47.4m
7. The Dark Knight (2008) $46.1m
8. The Two Towers (2002) $45.7m
9. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (2001) $42.3m
10. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (2009) $40.6m
11. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009) $40.3m
12. Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace (1999) $39m
13. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006) $38 m
14. The Twilight saga: New Moon (2009) $38m
15. Finding Nemo (2003) $37.5m
16. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002) $37.5m
17. Alice in Wonderland (2010) $37.5m
18. Australia (2008) $37m (US$50m, world $US205m)
19. Babe (1995) $37m

• by David Dale at 11:50 PM
• Comments (17)

The Tribal Mind: The music Australia loved

FOR THE LATEST UPDATE OF THIS CHART, AND A FORUM TO DISCUSS IT, GO TO The Tribal Mind

Lists of top selling albums and most successful performers, prepared by David Dale using data from ARIA and last updated May 31, 2010.

The top selling albums of the CD era
1. Whispering Jack (John Farnham) 1986
2. Come On Over (Shania Twain) 1997
3. Jagged Little Pill (Alanis Morissette) 1995
4. Innocent Eyes (Delta Goodrem) 2003
5. Music Box (Mariah Carey) 1993
6. Thriller (Michael Jackson) 1983
7. Savage Garden (Savage Garden) 1997
8. Falling Into You (Celine Dion) 1996
9. Recurring Dream (Crowded House) 1996
10. Abba Gold (Abba) 1992
11. Immaculate Collection (Madonna) 1990
12. Age of Reason (John Farnham) 1988
13. The Very Best of (The Eagles) 1994
14. Don't Ask (Tina Arena) 1994
15. Remasters (Led Zeppelin) 1990
16 I'm Not Dead (Pink) 2006
17 Funhouse (Pink) 2009
18. Soul Deep (Jimmy Barnes) 1991
19. Forgiven Not Forgotten (The Corrs) 1995
20. Come Away With Me (Norah Jones) 2002
21. The Sound of White (Missy Higgins) 2005
22 Yourself or Someone Like You (Matchbox 20) 1996
23 Forrest Gump (Soundtrack) 1994
24 Only By The Night (Kings of Leon) 2008
25 Get Born (Jet) 2007

• by David Dale at 10:50 PM
• Comments (48)

The Tribal Mind: The TV shows Australia loved

FOR THE LATEST UPDATE OF THIS CHART, AND A FORUM TO DISCUSS IT, GO TO The Tribal Mind

This contains charts of the most watched programs of the 20th and 21st centuries, prepared by David Dale for The Sydney Morning Herald and based on data from OzTAM and ACNielsen. Last updated May 31, 2010.

Most watched shows in 2010: State of Origin rugby league match 1 (9) 2.46m; Tennis: Aus Open Men's Final (7) 2.35m; Underbelly: The Golden Mile premiere (9) 2.24m; MasterChef Australia (10) 1.93m; Top Gear premiere (9) 1.68m; Two and a Half Men (9) 1.59m; The Biggest Loser Winner Announced (10) 1.57m; My Kitchen Rules (7) 1.56m.

The top shows since 2001
Based on OzTAM's audience estimates for the mainland capitals. Series figures are for the most watched episode of the year.
1 Tennis: Aus Open final - Hewitt v Safin 2005 (7) 4.04 million
2 Rugby World Cup final 2003 (7) 4.01 million
3 MasterChef Australia - Winner Announced 2009 (10) 3.74 million
4 Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony 2006 (9) 3.56m
5 AFL Grand Final 2005 (10) 3.39m
6 Australian Idol final verdict 2004 (10) 3.35m
7 Australian Idol final 2003 (10) 3.30 m
8 AFL Grand Final 2006 (10) 3.15m
9 The Block auction 2003 (9) 3.11 m
10 September 11 reportage, September 12, 2001 (9, 7, ABC) 3.10 m
11 Tennis: Wimbledon day 14 2001 (9) 3.04 m
12 AFL grand final 2003 (10) 2.96 m
13 AFL grand final 2009 (10) 2.70m
14 Big Brother winner announced 2004 (10) 2.86m
15 Australian Idol Live from Opera House 2004 (10) 2.86 m
16 Beijing Olympics opening ceremony 2008 (7) 2.82m

• by David Dale at 09:50 PM
• Comments (18)

The Tribal Mind: The DVDs Australia loved

FOR THE LATEST UPDATE OF THIS CHART, AND A FORUM TO DISCUSS IT, GO TO The Tribal Mind

List of the most most purchased DVDs since 1998, prepared by David Dale for The Sydney Morning Herald, using data from GFK Australia. Last updated May 31, 2010.

The top selling DVDs of all time
1. Finding Nemo (2004)
2 Mamma Mia! (2008)
3 Monsters Inc (2002)
4 Fellowship of the Ring (2002)
5 The Two Towers (2003)
6 Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2003)
7 Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2006)
8 Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)
9 Return of the King (2004)
10 Avatar (2010)
11 Pirates of the Caribbean (2004)
12 The Notebook (2005)
13 Shrek 2 (2004)
14 Dirty Dancing (2000)
15 The Dark Knight (2008)
16 Pirates 2: Dead Man's Chest (2006)
17 Cars (2006)
18 The Matrix (1999)
19 The Incredibles (2005)
20 Ice Age (2002)
21 Gladiator (2000)
22 Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007)

• by David Dale at 08:10 PM
• Comments (6)

The Tribal Mind: Who the hell needs trideo anyway?

Australia's smartest forum about popular culture has moved to The Tribal Mind

by David Dale
IF YOU are one of the half million Australians who have paid between $18 and $35 for the DVD of Avatar, you may have some sympathy with a remark made by Barack Obama during his election campaign: "You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. You can wrap an old fish in a piece of paper called change -- it's still gonna stink."

At the time, Obama's enemies pretended to believe the remark was an insult to vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin. They were being disingenuous. They knew all along that Obama was referring to the Republican Party's attempts to glamorise policies that benefitted only the rich.

Now some Avatar-purchasers might be tempted to extend the metaphor to the way 3-D (the lipstick) is being used to tart up big-budget movies (the pigs) which would otherwise be pretty damn ordinary, as well as some films that could succeed perfectly well without the enhancement.

Forced to watch Avatar at home on a small screen in two dimensions, audiences may wonder if the technology that let cinemas charge $20 a ticket was distracting us from a derivative and predictable plot (Pocahontas meets Dances With Wolves), a flippy hippie philosophy (Gaia meets L. Ron Hubbard), and some seriously amateurish acting (Sam Worthington's trans-Pacific accent suggests that in the future, all English-speakers will sound like Sydneysiders who have spent two weeks in LA). Maybe those glasses for which we paid rental fees of between $1 and $5 were not just image-separating but also rose-coloured.

Hollywood's current obsession with 3-D as a quick-fix for declining
audiences is the subject of an essay by America's best known movie critic, Roger Ebert, published in Newsweek magazine. Here is Ebert's complaint about the 3-D explosion: "It adds nothing essential to the moviegoing experience. For some, it is an annoying distraction. For others, it creates nausea and headaches. It is driven largely to sell expensive projection equipment ... Its image is noticeably darker than standard 2-D. It is unsuitable for grown-up films of any seriousness. It limits the freedom of directors to make films as they choose. For moviegoers in the PG-13 and R ranges [older than 15], it only rarely provides an experience worth paying a premium for."

Ebert points out that Clash of the Titans and Alice in Wonderland were filmed in 2-D and belatedly reconstructed as fake 3-D, on the orders of panicking studios inspired by Avatar's success. He wonders if the conversions were really necessary. Now consider this chart, kindly supplied by GFK Australia ...

Australia's top selling DVDs so far this year:
1 Avatar
2 The Twilight Saga: New Moon
3 Up
4 2012
5 G-Force
6 Michael Jackson's This Is It
7 My Sister's Keeper
8 Julie and Julia
9 Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
10 Inglourious Basterds.

Would any of those films have been more entertaining in 3-D? Would New Moon have seemed less tedious if the werewolves had leapt out of the screen? Would Up have been more charming if the balloons had swirled around our heads? The special effects extravaganzas 2012 and Transformers seem to have got along fine in flat format. Apparently audiences were not deterred from collecting them for their home library by any deficiency in the dimension department.

Perhaps there was a devious strategy behind the release of Avatar in 2-D form. The marketers may be counting on the disappointment of viewers to drive up sales of 3-D television sets, in anticipation of the release of the 3-D bells-and-whistles version of Avatar at the end of the year. And from there, we'll have to repurchase our all-time favourites, made over into 3-D: Titanic (would the rushing water be any more scary?), The Dark Knight (would the truck chase be any more exciting?) and Crocodile Dundee (would THAT be even more of a knife?).

Go to Comments to discuss whether 3-D adds anything more than lipstick to your moviegoing experience, and whether you see any reason to invest in yet another new home entertainment delivery system.

• by David Dale at 03:42 PM
• Comments (15)

The Who We Are update: Week 21

This week's forum is now a heritage item - worth studying but no longer current. For the latest on Australian attitudes and media trends, go to The Tribal Mind.

To discuss whether 3-D is just putting lipstick on a pig, go to The Tribal Mind.
To nominate the most interesting and the most embarrassing Australian movies of the past 30 years, go to Who We Are.

The ratings race, updated 10 am Sunday
Channel Seven narrowly won the week. If this column's theory of a political link is correct, Kevin Rudd will enjoy a small bump in the opinion polls.

The prime time audience shares for the week ended up like this: ABC3 0.4%; SBSTWO 0.4%; ONE 1.3; ABC2 1.3; 7TWO 2.6; GO 2.6; SBS1 3.8; ABC1 12.1; All Pay Stations 15.2; Ten 17.0; Nine 20.0; Seven 20.6; .

This was Pay TV's account of itself for the week: "The match between Parramatta and Cronulla, Live: NRL Eels v Sharks on FOX Sports was seen by 317,000 viewers. Parramatta's clash with Manly earlier in the week was watched by 309,000 people (FOX Sports). In Australian Rules football, Live: AFL St Kilda v Essendon was watched by 251,000 viewers and Live: AFL Richmond v Hawthorn had 179,000 viewers.
Other top programs include: Selling Houses on The Lifestyle Channel: 170,000 TV viewers; Project Runway on ARENA: 127,000 viewers; Family Guy on FOX8: 122,000 viewers; American Idol Performance Show on FOX8: 97,000 viewers and Law & Order: SVU on TV1: 80,000 viewers.
"In week 21, subscription TV channels had 21.2% of all metropolitan viewing between 6am and midnight, 20.2% of all regional viewing and 54.8% of all viewing in subscription TV homes."
What Australia watched, week ending May 22
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 SEVEN NEWS - SUN Seven 1,843,000 493,000 548,000 346,000 193,000 264,000
2 MASTERCHEF AUSTRALIA - CHALLENGE Ten 1,675,000 443,000 553,000 287,000 165,000 227,000
3 MASTERCHEF AUSTRALIA Ten 1,675,000 452,000 564,000 270,000 181,000 208,000
4 UNDERBELLY: THE GOLDEN MILE Nine 1,644,000 573,000 503,000 247,000 145,000 177,000
5 NINE NEWS SUNDAY Nine 1,552,000 424,000 478,000 322,000 165,000 162,000
6 MODERN FAMILY Ten 1,549,000 448,000 488,000 251,000 173,000 190,000
7 SUNDAY NIGHT Seven 1,502,000 416,000 421,000 308,000 162,000 195,000
8 NCIS Ten 1,485,000 445,000 397,000 271,000 181,000 190,000
9 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,473,000 397,000 416,000 282,000 154,000 222,000
10 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,457,000 406,000 369,000 313,000 151,000 218,000
11 AUSTRALIA'S GOT TALENT Seven 1,431,000 447,000 417,000 244,000 129,000 194,000
12 THE FORCE - BEHIND THE LINE Seven 1,384,000 392,000 418,000 239,000 152,000 183,000
13 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,370,000 357,000 384,000 273,000 157,000 200,000
14 TWO AND A HALF MEN Nine 1,351,000 354,000 466,000 244,000 102,000 185,000
15 60 MINUTES Nine 1,338,000 413,000 402,000 284,000 100,000 139,000
16 SEND IN THE DOGS Nine 1,319,000 363,000 422,000 229,000 142,000 162,000
17 NINE NEWS Nine 1,312,000 366,000 422,000 259,000 127,000 139,000
18 GLEE Ten 1,308,000 353,000 422,000 258,000 126,000 149,000
19 CUSTOMS Nine 1,289,000 364,000 419,000 224,000 135,000 147,000
20 A CURRENT AFFAIR Nine 1,243,000 352,000 424,000 227,000 112,000 128,000
21 BORDER SECURITY (R) Seven 1,228,000 334,000 378,000 222,000 140,000 154,000
22 SEA PATROL Nine 1,224,000 369,000 386,000 199,000 142,000 129,000
Continued here

• by David Dale at 07:22 PM
• Comments (63)

The Tribal Mind: A blowtorch to the belly of MasterChef

To discuss the most interesting and the most embarrassing Australian movies of the past 30 years, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
THIS is what is wrong with MasterChef: It cynically manipulates the emotions of contestants and audience; it overdramatises to the point of nausea; it turns what should be a relaxing pleasure into a tense competition; it is tediously repetitious; it emphasises esoteric ingredients and techniques that are irrelevant to family cooking; there are too many ads; judge Matt is pompous and pretentious; judge George is crude and eats with his mouth open.

And that, gentle reader, is why people over 55 don't watch MasterChef. And this is what is wrong with the Tribal Mind column: it engaged in cheap ageism, which is just as bad as cheap racism.

All of those things I learned from the reader reaction to last week's column, in which I speculated on why MasterChef rates well with every demographic except viewers over the age of 55 (click here to read that). I wondered if some senior citizens might be disturbed by MasterChef's embrace of cultural diversity.

Most of the 109 readers who reacted to this were in disagreement. Mary Nixon was among the more polite: "The interminable ads, the relentless cross-selling, the tedious delivery of the presenters desperately trying to inject some suspense into their elimination processes, the idea that Matt Preston would be considered a 'New Talent' (see Logies) in any parallel universe. No, I don't think it is racism, you idiot. You have not captured the zeitgeist; you have played the 'racism card' clumsily and egregiously, without a vestige of support for your disgraceful thesis. Pauline Hanson would so love you - you are better than she is at division and alienation. Shame on you."

The reaction fell into three main groups, in increasing order of size: 1 Readers who felt sorry for older viewers who are missing great nightly entertainment; 2 Readers over 55 who enjoy MasterChef and who doubt OzTAM's ratings survey; 3 Readers over 55 who refuse to watch for these sorts of reasons:

"It's the phoney, repugnant emotionalism where everyone has to cry and be 'passionate' that turns me off. I recognise the younger generations find this sort of spurious nonsense appealing, but I don't see why the 55+ mob should have to put up with this weepy, big-eyed rubbish." (Bob)

"This is the most over-edited, artificially constructed show I have ever seen. The present-tense comments of competitors, which are so obviously recorded after the event, are simply insulting to viewers, and the contestants seem to be manipulated into a state of high emotion leading to embarrassingly schmaltzy tears and hugging when someone is eliminated. The way the results are left hanging before each (interminably long) commercial break is puerile and infuriating. It's like the old radio serials. Give me Italian Food Safari any day!" (Gil Appleton)

"Perhaps older people have achieved a level of discernment which the swinish multitude have yet to acquire. I do not watch any of the low-level so-called 'entertainment' on commercial TV." (Bill Streat)

"I think we are so OVER cooking, having done it for 35 years or so while raising a family. So watching cooking on TV ... doesn't constitute something new and exciting but something we'd rather FORGET!!" (Amber)

"'Greater diversity' of food has been welcomed and embraced by thousands of Australians, all now over 55, since the 1950s. Ninety percent of students in my high-school classes in the '50s were from Europe and we Australians developed an appetite for their interesting lunches. Perhaps MasterChef is just not interesting to older people, including myself, who'd rather be out and about trying some new eateries than watching television." (Leonie Royle)

Suitably chastened, I nevertheless remain puzzled by one detail. Last Tuesday night, 306,000 viewers over the age of 55 watched MasterChef, while 626,000 viewers over the age of 55 watched Australia's got Talent, starring the Black Bogie winner Kyle Sandilands. Is this an example of mature discernment?

• by David Dale at 02:57 PM
• Comments (14)

The Tribal Mind: How MasterChef is destroying an election strategy

To learn how readers voted on the worst of Australian television, click on The Bogies 2010.

by David Dale
HERE'S the mystery: why is MasterChef, a show that has apparently taken the nation by storm, so repugnant to viewers over the age of 55 - not just ignored by them, but actively avoided? That was the one question not addressed at a seminar held last weekend at the Noosa Food Festival, but it's a question this column hopes to answer today.

The title of the seminar was "The MasterChef Phenomenon", and for once the word was not hype. Whether MasterChef is causing a cultural transformation in Australia or symbolising a transformation that has already happened, it is much more than a TV show. It represents what the marketers would call a Brand, busily being "leveraged across multiple platforms", and what the sociologists would call a tipping point.

The crystallising moment happened two weeks ago when Adele, a contestant of Italian background, served up little pastries called crostoli to George, a judge of Greek background, watched by contestants Jimmy, of Indian background, and Alvin, of Malaysian background, who were the other finalists in a challenge to make the dish they remembered most fondly from childhood.

George frowned and remarked that there was something missing. Adele looked worried. What they needed, he said, was a cup of espresso made in a macchinetta [small percolator], "so we could sit over these crostoli and chat for hours". Everyone beamed in agreement.

Pauline Hanson doesn't stand a chance after MasterChef. Its worshippers embrace a powerful belief system: Australia is the most entertaining place to live on earth, because our history of immigration has created an endless array of pleasures.

It would only take a few challenges involving the preparation of Tamil food (such as kotthu rotti, lamb curry with chopped pancake) and Afghan food (such as chapli kabab, spiced minced beef patties) to make boat people the most welcome of new arrivals and destroy Tony Abbott's election campaign.

At the seminar, Matt Preston said MasterChef has become "the biggest cooking show in the history of the world". We learned that 56 production workers record 5000 hours of film, from which 46 editors craft the 80 hours we'll see on air (plus cookbooks, kitchenware and, as of next week, a monthly magazine).

The nightly episodes average 1.5 million viewers in the mainland capitals, a rare result in the fragmented market that is 21st century television. Channel Ten likes to boast that MasterChef regularly tops the night in "all key demographics", by which they mean children, males and females aged 16-39, males and females 25-54, and Occupational Groups 1 and 2 (the rich).

But there's one demographic missing from the fan club -- viewers over 55. In last week's ratings chart, MasterChef ranked number 2 (after Underbelly) with the other groups, and number 63 with viewers over 55.

On Sundays, the geriatrics watch repeats of Border Security while the rest of the country is watching MasterChef. On Mondays, the gerries watch Find My Family. On Tuesdays they watch Australia's Got Talent; on Wednesdays, Dog Squad; on Thursdays Catalyst and on Fridays, Better Homes and Gardens. So they have nothing against talent quests, nothing against reality shows, and nothing against cooking, but everything against the show everyone else adores.

For heaven's sake, why? What's not to like about a finely crafted comedy melodrama in which charming people strive to achieve their dreams?

Here's the theory. MasterChef celebrates diversity. It could not exist without the national obsession with multicultural cooking. Could it be that the oldies are the last bastion of xenophobia in this otherwise generous land? Are the over 55s responsible for the opinion polls that suggest Australians are opposed to immigration? If so, are the politicians who pander to what they imagine to be the racist underbelly of this country actually wasting their time trying to please people who won't be around to complain about the effects of greater diversity?

Go to Comments to offer any other explanation for why MasterChef alienates the ageing.

• by David Dale at 06:42 PM
• Comments (109)

Here's how you voted in The Bogies of 2010

To suggest what Malcolm Turnbull should do next, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
RUPERT Murdoch is an honourable man. That's why we know a dignified apology is currently on its way to The Sydney Morning Herald expressing his regret over the scandal that has come to be known as Bogiegate. Murdoch had barely digested the revelation that some of his minions were involved in the Melbourne Storm secret payments debacle when he learned that another embarrassment was about to engulf his organisation. A different group of News Corp minions had attempted to steal The Bogie Awards, which have been conducted by this column since time immemorial (2007).

The matter is currently the subject of legal letters, so we can only say that last Wednesday The Daily Telegraph, in a blatant act of plagiarism, launched a reader poll about the worst of television under the heading "Pick your Bogies". This was just at the moment when this column was counting votes sent in by readers for the fourth annual Bogie Awards.

While we await reparations from Mr Murdoch, we are proud to announce the result of that count. These are the original (and only genuine) Bogies for 2010, with the number of reader votes for each nominee:

Most effable female personality (the Westacott orb): Amber Higlett (Weekend Today) 1 vote; Samantha Armytage (Seven 4.30 news) 2; Ruby Rose (The 7pm Project) 2; Kerry Armstrong (Bed of Roses) 2; Juanita Phillips (ABC news) 3; Lisa Wilkinson (Today) 4; Sara Groen (Seven weather) 5; Poh Ling Yeow (Poh's Kitchen) 9; Natalie Bassingthwaighte (So You Think You Can Dance Australia) 12; Julia Zemiro (Rockwiz) 16. And the winner, with 18 votes is Myf Warhurst (Spicks and Specks).

Most effable male personality: Kyle Sandilands (Australia's Got Talent) 1; Firass Dirani (Underbelly) 2; Charlie Pickering (The 7pm Project) 2; Wil Traval (Underbelly) 4; Vince Colosimo (Australian Families of Crime) 4; Mark Ferguson (Seven news) 5; Josh Thomas (Talkin' 'Bout Your Generation) 5; Shaun Micalleff (Talkin Bout Your Generation) 6; Jeremy Lindsay Taylor (Sea Patrol) 12. And the winners, with 15 votes each, are Adam Hills (Spicks and Specks) and Hamish Blake (everything).

Least mobile facial features: Bert Newton 2; Courtney Cox (Cougartown) 3; Liz Hayes (60 Minutes) 4; Sigrid Thornton (Underbelly) 6; Marcia Cross (Desperate Housewives) 9. And the winners, with 24 votes each, are Tracey Grimshaw (A Current Affair) and Julianna Margulies (The Good Wife).

Most unnecessary revival of a spent idea: The Pacific 1; 20 to 1 5; The Block 7; V 8; Matty Johns 11; And the winner, with 38 votes, is Hey Hey It's Saturday.

Most blatant ripoff of another station's hit: The Spearman Experiment 2; Gangs of Oz 3; Sunday Night 3; The White Room 3; Customs 13. And the winner, with 45 votes, is My Kitchen Rules.

Best use of breasts to exploit viewers' base instincts: Satisfaction 2; Ghost Whisperer 2; True Blood 9; Nigella Express 14. And the winner, with 34 votes, is Underbelly 3.

Most unnecessary personality: Kylie Gillies 2; Ruby Rose 4; Fifi Box 13; Karl Stefanovic 14. And the winner, with 27 votes, is Ricki-Lee Coulter.

Furthest fallen from former finery: Scrubs 1; Top Gear 1; Brothers and Sisters 1; House 8; Grey's Anatomy 10; Desperate Housewives 11; Heroes 12. And the winner, with 21 votes, is Lost.

Most annoying person: Dannii Minogue 1; Grant Denyer 1; Melissa Doyle 1; Georgie Parker 3; Danny Weidler 4; Dave Hughes 5; Steven Jacobs 5; Andrew O'Keefe 9; David Koch 20. And the winner, with 26 votes, is Eddie McGuire.

Most missed: The Gruen Transfer 1; Rove 1; Prison Break 1; Big Brother 3; Newstopia 9; The Glasshouse 10; Enough Rope 17. And the winner, with 21 votes, is The Chaser.

Most wooden presenter: Sandra Sully 8; Natalie Bassingthwaighte 27. And the winner, with 30 votes, is Hayley Lewis.

Most embarrassing program (the Naomi Robson Cup): Stargate Atlantis 1; Wipeout 1; The Biggest Loser 7; Today Tonight 19; Hey Hey It's Saturday 22. And the winner, with 26 votes, is A Current Affair.

Furthest past use-by date (the Bert Newton Trophy): Red Symons 1; Mike Munro 1; Midsomer Murders 1; Kerri-Anne Kennerley 2; Bert Newton 5; Richard Wilkins 21. And the winner, with 35 votes, is Daryl Somers.

The Black Bogie (the Eddie McGuire Chalice): Andrew O'Keefe 5; David Koch 9; Eddie McGuire 23. And the winner, for the third consecutive year, with 34 votes, is Kyle Sandilands.

To study all the readers' votes, click here. Go to Comments to augment.

• by David Dale at 04:42 PM
• Comments (4)

The Bogie Awards 2010: Vote for the first of the worst

This week's forum is now a heritage item - worth studying but no longer current. For the latest on Australian attitudes and media trends, go to The Tribal Mind.

by David Dale
SOME people say the Logies celebrate all that is crass, embarrassing, shallow and second-rate about Australian television, but that cannot be true, because it would leave no role for this column's even more prestigious awards system, The Bogies, founded in 2007. After much help from readers, we proudly announce this year's major categories and nominees for accolades that will be revealed in a coruscating ceremony on May 1 (a day before the Logies).

But first, two explanatory notes.

1. The networks have only just launched their biggest new shows for the year, so some nominations are tentative. For example, it's early days to judge the eligibility of Underbelly 3 for "Best Use of Breasts to exploit the base instincts of viewers" (won last year by Underbelly 2). Similarly The Block and Hey Hey It's Saturday, nominated for "Most Unnecessary Revival of a Spent Idea", may surprise us by turning out to be smart reimaginings.

And Kyle Sandilands, who has shifted to Australia's Got Talent, may not be embarrassing enough to deserve another crack at the Black Bogie he won last year. Please consider these nominations a work in progress, and feel free to augment them. You have until 5pm on Thursday April 29 to register your votes (by going to Comments, below)

2. Our most important new award, the Westacott Orb, comes in two parts: Most effable female personality and Most effable male personality. It was inspired by the news director of Channel Nine, John Westacott, who allegedly explained the removal of a newsreader thus: "To make it in this industry, you gotta have f---ability."

More recently the news director of Channel Seven, Peter Meakin, ordered the weather presenter Sara Groen to get hair extensions, apparently on the same principle. By a narrow margin we decided to allocate naming rights this year to Westacott. Next year Meakin can have his Memento. So here we go with the 2010 Bogie nominations:

For the Westacott Orb for Most effable female personality, the nominees are: Sara Groen (without extensions); Juanita Phillips; Lisa Wilkinson; Natalie Bassingthwaighte; Myf Warhurst; Julia Zemiro; Ruby Rose; Poh Ling Yeow; Kerry Armstrong.

The Westacott Orb for Most effable male personality: Firass Dirani; Mark Ferguson; Josh Thomas; Hamish Blake, Vince Colosimo, Shaun Micalleff; Charlie Pickering; Wil Traval; Jeremy Lindsay Taylor; Adam Hills.

Least mobile facial features: Julianna Margulies (The Good Wife); Marcia Cross (Desperate Housewives); Courtney Cox (Cougartown); Sigrid Thornton (Underbelly 3); Liz Hayes (60 Minutes); Tracey Grimshaw (A Current Affair).

Most unnecessary revival of a spent idea: V; Matty Johns; Hey Hey It's Saturday; The Block; 20 to 1; The Pacific.

Most blatant ripoff of another station's hit: My Kitchen Rules; The White Room; Customs; Gangs of Oz; Sunday Night.

Best use of breasts to exploit viewers' base instincts: Satisfaction; True Blood; Ghost Whisperer; Nigella Express; Lost; Underbelly 3.

Most unnecessary personality: Ricki-Lee Coulter; Fifi Box; Ruby Rose; Kylie Gillies; Karl Stefanovic.

Furthest fallen from former finery: Lost; Grey's Anatomy; House; Brothers and Sisters; Desperate Housewives; Heroes.

Most annoying person: Andrew O'Keefe; Danny Weidler; David Koch; Georgie Parker; Dave Hughes; Steven Jacobs; Eddie McGuire.

Most missed: Big Brother; Newstopia, The Glasshouse; Enough Rope, The Chaser.

Most wooden presenter: Natalie Bassingthwaighte; Hayley Lewis; Sandra Sully.

Most embarrassing program (the Naomi Robson Cup): Hey Hey It's Saturday; The Biggest Loser; A Current Affair; Today Tonight.

Furthest past use-by date (the Bert Newton Trophy): Red Symons; Daryl Somers; Richard Wilkins; Kerri-Anne Kennerley; Mike Munro.

The Black Bogie (the Eddie McGuire Chalice): Andrew O'Keefe; Kyle Sandilands; David Koch; Eddie McGuire.

Go to Comments to add nominations or categories, and to vote.

Footnote: This column started the Bogies three years ago to celebrate achievements of the television industry that are mysteriously ignored by the Logies - the most irritating, embarrassing, overhyped and underrated programs and people in Australia's most popular form of entertainment. At left you can see the first winners.

These are the only genuine Bogie awards, not to be confused with any cheap acts of plagiarism launched by any competing news organisation.

• by David Dale at 08:34 AM
• Comments (94)

The Tribal Mind: The land of the loser-lover

To vote on the worst of Australian television, go to The Bogies 2010.
To discuss the ten most iconic Aussie takeaways, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
AUSTRALIANS are sometimes accused, especially at this time of year, of being fans of failure and devotees of disaster. This is allegedly because most of the people who started this colony were told they were losers, so they embraced it as a way of life.

Symptoms of this condition, the argument goes, are that we hum a national song about a suicidal sheep thief, admire a killer who wore a bucket on his head and bungled a bank robbery, take a public holiday for a military fiasco, and keep subsidising self-critical movies that nobody goes to see.

A challenge to this theory and support for this theory are currently on display at a cinema near you. The excellent Australian actor Brendan Cowell is starring in Beneath Hill 60, one of the finest dramas ever made in this country. He's also starring in the trailer for a comedy called I Love You Too, which confirms every prejudice you've developed in recent years about the Australian film industry.

The trailer suggests Cowell is portraying an imbecile whose best friend is a moron (played by Peter Helliar, who also wrote the script). You could say it's a masterpiece of the trailer-maker's art -- IF the purpose of a trailer was to make you determined never to see the movie.

The only redeeming feature seems to be the American actor Peter Dinklage (whom you'll recall as the special friend of the deceased in Death at a Funeral - but not the guy in our picture). He plays an urbane dwarf who asks Cowell at one point: "Are you a retard?" This is a question viewers of the trailer might wish to put to the backers of I Love You Too, and also to the distributors who thought it a clever idea to show the trailer around the same time as the launch of Beneath Hill 60.

I wonder if this explains the poor initial performance of BH60, which earned only $810,000 during its first week in 164 cinemas. BH60 had good reviews and a mass of favourable publicity. But some people who saw the trailer for I Love You Too in recent weeks may have pondered these questions: If Brendan Cowell has such poor judgement that he gets involved in this embarrassing romantic comedy, why should we expect him to be any good in a war movie? If the Australian film industry can't even turn out a plausible trailer, why should we believe it can turn out a full length drama? Are the makers of BH60 trying to take advantage of our Anzac Day emotions to sell us yet another dog?

All such suspicions would be wrong. BH60 has a tight screenplay, convincing effects, understated acting and beautiful camerawork. It also displays charming modesty, admitting in a postscript that the work of the Aussie tunnellers ultimately made little difference to the course of World War One.

I Love You Too opens on May 6. If it ends up selling more tickets than Beneath Hill 60, we can conclude either that its trailer is misleading as to its quality, or that Australia's devotion to disaster is as strong as ever.

Footnote: This long weekend is your last chance to vent your rage against all that is crass, embarrassing and second-rate on Australian television. Go to The Bogies 2010 to vote in such categories as Least Mobile Facial Features, Most Annoying Personality, Most Unnecessary Revival of a Spent Idea, and Most Blatant Ripoff of Another Station's Hit. We'll announce how you voted in this column next Saturday.

• by David Dale at 05:51 AM
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The Tribal Mind: Will (and should) Alice beat Bella?

To recommend the best of Australian fast food, go to Who We Are.
To vote on the worst of Australian television, go to The Bogies 2010.

by David Dale
CAN we assume that most Australian teenage girls are whiny moping wusses (WMWs) or gutsy funny go-getters (GFGs)? In other words, are they a bunch of Bellas or a bunch of Alices? We'll learn the answer to these questions on Monday afternoon when the cinema box office figures for this weekend are released.

Last year Twilight: New Moon, in which a 17 year old named Bella Swan lay around lamenting the loss of her vampire boyfriend, sold $37 million worth of tickets in cinemas here and $US297 million worth in the US. This year Alice in Wonderland, in which a 19 year old named Alice Kingsley fights a monster, outwits a queen and engages in philosophical banter with surreal creatures, has earned $35.5 million here and $US320 million there. So we can already tell where American girls stand in the WMW/ GFG dichotomy. This weekend's takings could push Alice past Bella and restore the reputation of the young women of Australia.

This is not to say that Alice in Wonderland appeals only to females under 20. It is interesting enough to find plenty of fans in the other three quadrants targeted by the Hollywood marketing machine (males under 20, females over 20, males over 20).

It is a truism of modern moviemaking that any film with a budget above $100 million must offer something for every quadrant in order to earn its costs back (or, in Australian terms, earn more than $30 million). Alice has loads of action for young males, eye-boggling wonders for older males, and Johnny Depp for older females. So with any luck this column won't need to lament the pathetic taste of Australian womanhood compared to American womanhood.

How do we apply quadrant theory to the other hits of the holidays? Apart from Alice in Wonderland, these have been the most succesful movies of April: How to Train your Dragon $15.3m in 3 weeks; Clash of the Titans $14.5m in 2 weeks; Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang $6.2m in 2 weeks; Date Night $3.1m in 1 week.

Titans is tightly focussed on the young male quadrant, with some appeal to nostalgic older males who saw the 1981 version when they were young males. A few older women might go, to see if Sam Worthington is much of an actor, but it will be lucky to total $25 million here.

How to Train Your Dragon appeals to the young, and is witty and charming enough to satisfy the parents and grandparents who herded them into the multiplex. Nanny McPhee has the same advantages, but is unlikely to last much much beyond the school holidays.

Date Night looks like an example of what can happen when a studio applies quadrant theory too rigorously. Its first half is a clever comedy of manners aimed at males and females over 30 -- like Meryl Streep's recent hits Julie and Julia and It's Complicated. The producers could have left the stars Steve Carrell and Tina Fey to carry it, but instead changed the second half into the kind of crime action thriller that might appeal to males under 20 and their girlfriends. There's even a long chase sequence that culminates in police cars spinning over each other.

It's hard to see why this split personality was necessary (given that nobody has yet been able to top the greatest car chase of all time, in The Blues Brothers). But if Date Night goes on to break all records for adult comedies, we'll know that quadrant theory really works.

That's another reason to watch the box office results for this weekend. Go to Comments to discuss what moves you to the multiplex.

Footnote Monday 6pm: Over the weekend, Alice in Wonderland sold $756,000 worth of tickets, bringing its total to $36.1 million. So we remain in suspense to see if the GFG can top the WMW in the coming weeks. Keep watching this space.

• by David Dale at 05:56 AM
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The Tribal Mind: Split infinities

by David Dale
As you know, there are two kinds of people in the world: those who divide the world into two kinds of people and those who don't. If you are in the first category, you'll want to know about a new dichotomy just thrown up by research: Innies (people who, as babies, rode in a pram or stroller that had them facing the parent) and Outies (people who rode in a stroller that faced the destination ahead).

According to Britain's National Literacy Trust (here), pram position can have a profound effect on how children learn to communicate and come to deal with the people and things around them.

Babies facing inwards see and hear the person talking to them. Babies facing outwards see the passing parade and may hear a disembodied voice. So two different approaches to life are formed.

It is reasonable to speculate that Innies grow up to be teachers, writers, marketers, psychologists, restaurateurs, lawyers and portrait painters, while Outies grow up to be pilots, explorers, architects, athletes, taxi drivers, programmers and house painters.

This discovery lets us expand a list developed by the managing editor of Atlantic Monthly magazine, Cullen Murphy. In an oft-quoted article called "The Power of Two", he said dividing humanity into "dyads" provides a useful tool for classifying behaviour. One of his favourite divisions is "There are two kinds of people in the world: Italians and those who wish they were". He also enjoys the Ogden Nash verse: "There are two kinds of people who blow through life like a breeze. And one of them is gossipers and the other kind is gossipees."

In this country we're familiar with such divisions as conservative vs progressive, gay vs straight and republican vs monarchist, but Murphy offers almost infinite refinements. He slices people thus:

Dog (ie active, needy) vs Cat (ie calm, self-contained)
Saver vs Tosser
Cook vs Cleaner-upper
Prickly vs Gooey
Manual vs Automatic
Whitebread vs Wholemeal
Deciduous vs Evergreen
Sun vs Planet

To which we may now add Innie vs Outie. Murphy calculates that a mere 20 dichotomies yield more than a million possible combinations, but worries what would happen if someone with all the qualities in column A met someone with all the qualities in column B. He fears that "as with the theorised collision of matter and anti-matter, the universe as we know it would instantly cease to exist." Or perhaps it led to the formation of the Australian Democrats.

Anyway, let's see how the system might work. We could describe Australia's best liked woman, Magda Szubanski, as gooey, dog, wholemeal, automatic, innie, planet and deciduous -- at least as revealed by the characters she plays. Australia's best liked man, Andrew Denton, is prickly, cat, manual, cook, sun, evergreen, and innie.

George Bush is dog, gooey, tosser, automatic, whitebread, decidous, planet and outie. John Howard is prickly, cat, outie, cook and whitebread. Peter Costello is also whitebread, but gooey, dog, innie, cleaner and planet.

Are there better ways to slice humanity, and how would you classify some of this country's public figures?

• by David Dale at 07:48 PM
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The Tribal Mind: How spectacle trumped story

To learn how the average Australian spends her spare time, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
WHEN a film with no plot sells $900 million worth of tickets around the world, you are not entirely surprised. You just shake your head in sadness at how Hollywood has convinced a generation of 13 year old boys (of all ages) that a blockbuster only needs explosions to be satisfying, and thank your deity that other kinds of movies are still being made. But when a film with no plot wins Oscars for best script, best direction and best picture, then you might start to lament the death of storytelling -- and therefore of civilisation as we know it.

Plot, I would suggest, is a basic human need. We've been entertaining each other with tales ever since the development of language 50,000 years ago. After "I want food", 'I want water" and "I want sex", the next demand humans uttered was "Tell me a story". But in 2010 the process of devolution began. We gave the highest accolade in popular culture to a random collection of scenes, which not even neanderthals would rate as meeting the requirements of a cohesive narrative.

The first movie I was referring to was Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, which was the third biggest moneymaker of 2009 (after Avatar and Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince). It earned $42 million here and $US836m around the world, making it the number 21 highest grossing film of all time.

The second plotless wonder I was referring to is The Hurt Locker, which is also full of explosions - or more accurately, glimpses of a bomb disposal squad, with cameos by big name actors such as Guy Pearce, Ralph Fiennes and Evangeline Lilly (of Lost), whose fame distracts annoyingly from what otherwise could almost be a documentary.

It's set during the Iraq war, but that is irrelevant. Its claim to depth is based on a quote at the beginning: "The rush of battle is often a potent and lethal addiction, for war is a drug", which comes from a book called War is a Force that Gives Us Meaning, by Chris Hedges. More recently Hedges wrote a book about media called The End of Literacy and the Triumph of Spectacle. That title applies to both Transformers 2 and The Hurt Locker.

Some have argued that The Hurt Locker is a character study of a man addicted to the adrenaline rush. The character of the bomb-defuser, Sgt William James, is supposedly revealed in this dialogue with his second in command, Sgt Sanborn ...

Sanborn: How do you do it, you know? Take the risk?
James: I don't know. I guess I don't think about it.
Sanborn: But you realise every time you suit up, every time we go out, it's life or death. You roll the dice, and you deal with it. You recognize that, don't you?
James: Yeah ... Yeah, I do. But I don't know why. I don't know, JT. You know why I'm that way?
Sanborn: No, I don't.

Sorry, but for me that kind of break from the explosions does not turn The Hurt Locker into a complete film. It's still just random fragments.

By an interesting coincidence, Australian cinemas are currently showing another movie set in Iraq in the mid noughties: Green Zone. Not only does it have an exciting story - about a soldier in Baghdad who wonders why he's finding no weapons of mass destruction - but it attempts and achieves the feat of explaining how the Americans screwed up a war they supposedly won.

The director of Green Zone, Paul Greengrass, denies that the film's intention is political: "One man's search for the truth is a great premise for any conspiracy action movie," he says. But the screenplay explains what went wrong in Iraq so straightforwardly that the implications would be clear even to the dumbest 13 year old who bought a ticket on the expectation that this would be a fourth instalment in the Jason Bourne trilogy.

Because the Australian Government went into Iraq on the same assumptions as the Americans, I'd suggest this film is essential viewing for any student of modern history.

At the Australian box office, The Hurt Locker has so far earned $4.6 million, and around the world $US20 million. The Green Zone has earned $5.5 million here and $US60m internationally. It would be encouraging to think this means most cinemagoers still value a well-crafted story. At least until Transformers 3 comes out.

Go to Comments to discuss whether storytelling matters at the movies.

• by David Dale at 05:22 PM
• Comments (5)

The Tribal Mind: Wudjarava be bold or beautiful?

by David Dale
ON Wednesday, the print media went into a frenzy about The Great Health Debate between Kevin Rudd and Tony Abbott, on the assumption that the whole nation was talking about it. But like a tree falling in a forest, can a debate be said to influence voters if nobody actually watched it?

The ratings agency OzTAM estimated that 274,000 people in the mainland capitals watched Channel Nine's "worm" coverage (in which 100 swinging voters gave instant reactions by turning dials in an auditorium in Melbourne) and 180,000 people watched Channel Seven's "polliegraph" (57 swinging voters turning dials in an auditorium in Sydney). On the same afternoon, 463,000 daytime stay-at-homes watched The Bold and The Beautiful, 369,000 watched Huey's Cooking Adventures, and 287,000 watched Judge Judy.

Does an afternoon victory for The Bold and The Beautiful imply that Australians might not be mentally engaged with politics at this moment in history? Were Wednesday's assertions about "the winner" and "the loser" just a wank by the political journalists, who habitually bypass the real concerns of Australians to argue about how many angels can dance on the head of a pin?

Beware of first impressions. In fact, a total of 725,000 people in the mainland capitals watched the debate on Tuesday afternoon, an audience figure made up of these elements: Nine 274,000; ABC1 183,000; Seven 180,000; Ten 63,000; Sky News 25,000. In isolation, any of those numbers would suggest Australians are sunk in traditional apathy. But when you total them, you get more viewers than the 527,000 who sat through the daytime Oscars earlier this month. As it turns out, 725,000 is close to an all-time record audience for any program between midday and 2pm.

Add to that the 1.4 million who watched Seven's polliegraph coverage on that night's news, which declared Rudd "the winner", and the 1.1 million who watched the Nine news coverage, which also declared Rudd "the winner", and you might conclude the tree did fall in the forest and the debate could have influenced the voting intentions of the vulgar masses.

In the 2008 edition of his book Advance Australia ... Where?, the social analyst Hugh Mackay suggested that over the past two decades Australians fluctuated between "Dreamy Periods", when they were "relaxed", "comfortable" and "disengaged", re-electing old leaders because we couldn't be bothered thinking about politics; and, alternatively, "Re-emergent Periods" when we were enthusiastic about social change and making demands on all politicians.

Mackay says we entered a Dreamy Period in the late 90s, when we were happy to let John Howard set national priorities, and became "Re-Emergent" in the mid noughties, when we demanded new approaches from all politicians (and our media). After the 2007 election result, Mackay wrote: "It's fair to suggest that with a freshly engaged electorate, incumbent governments - federal, state or territory - will feel less secure over the next five years than they might have over the past five ... Voters at every level of government will be more alert, more critical, more demanding and less acquiescent."

Alternatively, the 2007 result might have been the last gasp of re-engagement, after which we returned to our cocoons, focussing on our children, our gardens, and our widescreen TV sets. Mackay wondered: "Could it be that we are seeing the beginning of a Dreamy Period Stage 2?".

Last Saturday's Tasmanian and South Australian election results suggested Australians are still engaged in the political process. The 725,000 figure for the great debate confirms it. Neither Rudd nor Abbott can take their audience for granted.

Go to Comments to discuss if you prefer your politics bold or beautiful.

• by David Dale at 04:39 PM
• Comments (2)

The Tribal Mind: Lets bring sex into it

To suggest Great Lost Aussie Inventions, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
THE distinct possibility is emerging that women may be different from men. And boy, are the television networks grateful for that difference. If they had to rely on blokes for their viewing, they'd be putting up "liquidation sale" signs by now. The drift away from mainstream amusements is happening much more rapidly among males than among females.

The Bureau of Statistics tells us that a woman is more likely than a man to be: alive after 70, reading a book, going to the theatre, walking for exercise, living alone, in a botanic garden; doing more than 10 hours a week of unpaid housework; sexually assaulted; suffering arthritis or asthma; holding a university degree; using contraception.

To that list we may now add "watching TV". These days programs which seem to rate so poorly that you'd expect them to be moved to late night slots are kept in prime time by the networks because most of the remaining viewers are female, making the show a finely focused niche for advertising. OzTAM's dissection of its ratings data by gender allows advertisers to target their customers with precision. Thus programs such as Grey's Anatomy and Brothers and Sisters evade the axeman.

Consider these charts, which show the number of people from particular demographics who were watching TV last week in the mainland capitals:

What women aged 25-54 watch: 1 My Kitchen Rules (7) 472,000 viewers;
2 Grey's Anatomy (7) 443,000; 3 Desperate Housewives (7) 427,000; 4 Brothers and Sisters (7) 422,000; 5 V (9) 408,000; 6 NCIS (10) 406,000; 7 Two and a Half Men (9) 378,000; 8 Talkin' 'Bout Your Generation(10) 366,000.

What men aged 25-54 watch: 1 V (9) 412,000 viewers; 2 Two and a Half Men (9) 383,000; The Big Bang Theory (9) 338,000; 4 Top Gear (9) 332,000; 5 Spicks and Specks (ABC) 292,000; 6 NCIS (10) 286,000; 7 My Kitchen Rules (7) 273,000; 8 Friday Night Football (9) 272,000.

It's apparent not only that men enjoy different programs from women, but that fewer men than women can be bothered watching the gender favourites.

Now lets see how the genders use the recording devices which are available in 27 per cent of households.

What women aged 25-54 record and watch later: 1 House (10) 53,000 timeshifts;
2 Grey's Anatomy (7) 49,000; 3 Brothers and Sisters (7) 45,000; 4 Criminal Minds (7) 44,000; 5 Desperate Housewives (7) 43,000; 6 The Good Wife (10) 43,000.

What men aged 25-54 record and watch later: 1 House (10) 40,000 timeshifts; 2 How I Met Your Mother (7) 25,000; 3 Top Gear (9) 24,000; 4 Lost (7TWO) 24,000; 5 Cougar Town (7) 22,000; 6 Burn Notice (10) 21,000.

This is surprising. Timeshifting involves the use of a gadget, and you might assume that men would enjoy doing that. But clearly women are pressing the buttons far more than men.

Back in the 1980s, before the advent of effective recording systems, before most homes had two TV sets, and before the advent of such distractions as the internet, sociologists portrayed family viewing time as a nonstop gender war for control of the remote. As Jerry Seinfeld observed: "Men don't want to know what's on television - they want to know what else is on television." Now the war is no longer necessary. Most men don't care what's on the box most of the time, because they have so many other entertainment options on which to shorten their attention spans.

When the man of the house can't even be bothered to fiddle with the recording system, the networks are in big trouble.

Go to Comments to discuss the gender divisions in your home.

• by David Dale at 04:45 PM
• Comments (2)

The Tribal Mind: How do we love Oscar? Count the ways

by David Dale
THE OSCARS exist for one purpose: to boost audiences -- at the cinema, on TV and for DVDs. They achieve that goal pretty effectively in America, but what happens 12,000 kilometres away from LA's Kodak Theatre? Are Australians moved by the Hollywood hype?

On television, yes we are. Between noon and 4pm last Monday, 527,000 people in the mainland capitals sat through the live presentations from the Kodak, and later that same night, another 701,000 sat through three hours of edited highlights. In this year of sagging TV numbers, that makes the awards ceremony a huge hit. Mind you, last year Hugh Jackman attracted 1.2 million to the late night version alone, and another 545,000 to the daytime version. But he's always exceptional. It was still worth Channel Nine buying the rights this year.

In cinemas, the Oscar effect is powerful. These were the nominated movies showing in Australian cinemas last week (followed by their total earnings so far and the percentage change in ticket sales since the previous week): The Blind Side ($6.5 million, down 25 per cent during peak Oscar publicity); Avatar ($110m, down 36 per cent); The Hurt Locker ($2.2m, up 12 per cent); A Single Man ($745,000, down 13 per cent); Up in The Air ($8m, down 25 per cent); Precious ($1.1m, down 6 per cent); Invictus ($7m, down 49 per cent). The biggest earner was Alice in Wonderland, which stunned everyone by taking $14 million in its first week, needing no nominations because it has The Depp Factor.

On average, any movie's takings decline about 30 per cent from one week to the next. So a drop of less than 30 (as with The Blind Side, The Hurt Locker, A Single Man, Up in the Air and Precious) means Oscar buzz made a difference, and the punters were apparently saying "I wasn't going to see that, but since it was nominated for awards, I'd better rush off to the flicks and give it a go".

The biggest winner, The Hurt Locker, will go on to even bigger growth in coming weeks. Precious probably won't be much assisted by its wins for Best Supporting Actress and Best Adapted Screenplay. A low budget tale of squalor and child abuse sounds too much like a typical Australian film to attract Australian audiences.

Of course, the cinema industry doesn't need as much help from the Oscars as does the DVD industry. The multiplexes are holding up brilliantly against the onslaught of alternative media. Last year Australians bought $1.09 billion worth of movie tickets -- 15 per cent more than the record figure in 2008. Last year, we spent $1.58 billion buying 83.02 million DVDs - an impressive score until you discover that in 2008 we spent $1.56 billion buying 85.28 million DVDs. So the sales of the silver disc have started a slow decline.

DVD distributors would love to be able to attach to their boxes a sticker saying "Winner of three Academy Awards", or even just "Oscar-nominated", which is no doubt why the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences this year increased the number of best picture nominees from five to ten.

Last year's top selling DVDs included Australia, Twilight, and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen -- none of which had won Oscars. The main Oscar winner of 2009, Slumdog Millionaire, didn't make the sales top 30.

This year's DVD chart will doubtless be topped by Avatar, which has already proved it needs no peer approval to saturate the market. But if The Hurt Locker should gather even a couple of thousand extra sales when its disc comes out next month, then all the embarrassment of Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin last Monday will not have been in vain.

Go to Comments to discuss how Oscar buzz affects your entertainment choices.

• by David Dale at 04:08 PM
• Comments (4)

The Tribal Mind: The politics of television, and vice versa

To explain why Australians don't report serious crimes, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
IT WORKED before, so lets see if it can work again. This is the analogy: Channel Seven is the Labor Party, and Channel Nine is the Liberal/National coalition. Follow the fortunes of Nine and Seven in the ratings, and you will anticipate the fortunes of Opposition and Government in the opinion polls. That was the tool with which this column predicted the result of the 2007 election. Will it work for the 2010 election?

Three years ago, we discussed how television tastes offer clues about the changing national mood, noting that after September 11 and the Bali bombings, Australians retreated into their cocoons. "The favourites of the early Noughties were all about lifestyle -- home renovations, gardening, domestic bliss. The dramas were about crimes solved and stability restored in a single episode ... Viewers avoided programs that required them to come back next week, because life was too crazy to allow such a commitment.

"But since 2005, our favourite shows have been serials, keeping us in constant suspense about who will be voted off the dance floor, who will be murdered on Wisteria Lane, what will the island do to the survivors, how will Dr House outsmart the cop who wants to jail him, etc. Instead of being reassured by our mass entertainment, we demand to be surprised.

"What follows from this transformation in public mood? That Australians will be inclined to vote for Kevin Rudd at the federal election. Where once they craved security, now they relish change ... Australia's current preference for Channel Seven, which offers novelty, over Channel Nine, which offers 'we know what's best for you', suggests that the nation is in sit-forward mode. If an election were held now, we'd vote for surprise and risk rather than predictability and comfort."

Three years later, lets look at the state of the stations. Nine is resurgent, Seven is sinking. In the morning, Today regularly beats Sunrise in Sydney and Melbourne. In the afternoon, The Hot Seat is neck and neck with Deal or no Deal. Nine has hits with Top Gear, The Mentalist and Two and a Half Men, soon to be followed by Underbelly: The Golden Mile (legal action permitting).

Seven's big dramas, Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives, have jumped the shark. Its only new hit, My Kitchen Rules, is a rehash of MasterChef, which does not suggest much imagination in the programming department. Seven's celebrity game show, The White Room, got axed after two weeks because it was hastily conceived and badly managed (just like a certain home insulation program we've heard about recently).

Over the past two weeks, the prime time audience shares have been: Seven 25.6 per cent, Nine 26.7 per cent. At the same time, the opinion polls have shown a slump for the Government and a rise for the Opposition. Kevin Rudd now finds himself where John Howard was in March of 2007 - representing stodgy stability, while Tony Abbott and Barnaby Joyce represent edgy unpredictability.

To restore his reputation for innovation, Rudd has just unveiled visionary schemes in education and health. If our analogy is correct, Channel Seven will need to unveil some big new programming plans very soon.

The last paragraph of this column on May 28, 2007 said this: "You can expect the prime minister to hold off the election date till as late as possible this year. He'll be watching the ratings, tracking the rise of Nine and the decline of Seven, waiting for clear evidence that we have settled back onto the sofa of life. Then he'll pounce."

Go to Comments to discuss whether this year will be different.

• by David Dale at 12:42 PM
• Comments (5)

The Tribal Mind: Your chance for revenge at the Bogies

To learn why Labor needs to replace Kevin Rudd with Julia Gillard, go to Who We Are.

To find out what Australians are reading -- and what they're no longer reading -- go to Print is dead?.

by David Dale
When Channel Seven's programmers decided last week to kill off a show called The White Room, after only two weeks on air, they also killed their best chance of winning one of this year's coveted Bogie Awards. The category I had in mind for The White Room was "Lamest Ripoff of Another Station's Hit", because it so shamelessly replicated Ten's Talkin' 'Bout Your Generation (which is itself derived from the ABC's Spicks and Specks, but improved by the addition of apostrophes and Shaun Micallef).

Seven probably felt free to withdraw The White Room from contention because it has two other candidates for this award: My Kitchen Rules (cloned from Ten's MasterChef) and Gangs of Oz (a spoiler for Nine's Underbelly). But with The White Room out of the race, Channel Nine becomes the favourite with Customs, which was crafted to capture the paranoid geriatrics who cling to Seven's Border Security.

This column started the Bogies three years ago to celebrate achievements of the television industry that are mysteriously ignored by the Logies - the most irritating, embarrassing, overhyped and underrated programs and people in Australia's most popular form of entertainment.

Last week I discovered this invitation on the Logies website: "Voting for the 2010 [brand name] Logie Awards is now open! Simply by voting you will go into the draw to win a romantic getaway to [brand name] Island Resort and Spa, valued at over $10,000! Plus, each week we are giving away a [brand name] Glamour Photography pack!"

This column can't match such incentives, but I'm hoping you'll be content with eternal glory as your reward for helping to create the Bogies of 2010. We try to add at least five new categories each year.

The most popular new category in 2009 was "Best use of breasts to exploit viewers' base instincts". From a field that included Satisfaction, True Blood, Ghost Whisperer and Nigella Express, the winner was Underbelly: A Tale of Two Cities, which one reader spoonerised as "Overbelly: A Sale of Two Titties".

Underbelly 3 hasn't started yet, so we don't know if we'll even need that category this year. But you'll have plenty of time to reflect on such issues, and to think of categories and candidates, because we're taking suggestions all through March (go to Comments to join the game). At the beginning of April, this column will publish a voting form, and the Bogie winners will be revealed in a glittering ceremony on Saturday May 1 - one day before the Logies are announced.

Here's a summary of last year's awards: From a field that included Ricki-Lee Coulter, Krystal Forscutt and Fifi Box, the winner of "Most Unnecessary Personality" was Lara Bingle. (Fifi Box will be consoled by becoming a candidate this year for the new category "Weather presenter least likely to be promoted to a real job").

The winner of Most unnecessary adaptation of an overseas show was Top Gear Australia. "Most offputting commercial" was "the impotence one with the guys playing the piano". "Worst attempt at an accent from a country not your own" went to Matthew Newton. Most Underrated Program was Dexter.

Most annoying person (from a field that included Jason Coleman, Georgie Parker, Sam Newman, Andrew O'Keefe, Ajay Rochester and Danny Weidler) was David Koch. Most Missed Program was The Chaser's War on Everything. Most Embarrassing Program (the Naomi Robson Cup) was Today Tonight. Furthest past use-by date (the Bert Newton Trophy) was Richard Wilkins. And The Black Bogie (the Eddie McGuire Chalice) went to Kyle Sandilands.

This year Eddie McGuire's Olympic performance might make him a prime candidate for the award named after him, but that's for you to determine. Lets hear your new categories and candidates.

• by David Dale at 06:26 AM
• Comments (20)

The Tribal Mind: Why Frankie is the future of reading

For the reason why Kevin Rudd will lose this year's election, through no fault of his own, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
Don't believe them when they say that print is dead. Tell 'em they're dreamin' if they reckon there's no future in newspapers and magazines. Direct those print-skeptics to the latest report of the Audit Bureau of Circulations, which details what Australians are currently reading, and which is full of clues for any perceptive publisher.

Here's one idea I'll give you for free: Start a magazine called Gourmet Diabetic Gardener, put the singer Taylor Swift on the cover to pull the teen female demographic, and you can watch the money roll in.

The Audit Bureau's report suggests that over the past 12 months, sales of daily and weekly newspapers have dropped by 2.3 per cent, while sales of weekly and monthly magazines have dropped by 0.4 per cent - disappointing news, but hardly a reason for publisher mass suicide. Print readership is declining here at a much slower rate than in Britain and America, and it is still the case that 2.2 million Australians buy a paper every day; 8 million Australians buy at least one paper or magazine every week; and 6 million Australians buy a mag every month.

Now here are the clues you'll need to determine what niche your new publication should fill ...

The big losers:
1 Alpha 73,000 a month (down 30 per cent in 12 months);
2 Weight Watchers 67,000 a month (down 17);
3 AFR Smart Investor 60,000 a month (down 12);
4 Take 5 231,000 a week (down 11);
5 NW 128,000 a week (down 10).

Conclusion: Don't bother with male sports, dieting, financial advice, tame tales about daggy people, or celebrity gossip. And stay right away from girls in bikinis - the category that did worst in this audit was "Men's interest", with such mags as FHM, The Picture, Ralph and Zoo Weekly all dropping by around 5 per cent.

The big winners:
1 Frankie 38,000 every two months (up 32 per cent);
2 Dolly 140,000 a month (up 18 per cent);
3 Recipes+ 134,000 a month (up 17);
4 Diabetic Living 54,000 a month (up 16);
5 Harpers Bazaar 55,000 a month (up 16).
In addition, Better Homes and Gardens rose 3 per cent and Australian House and Garden rose 7 per cent.

When I saw the growth figure for Frankie, I searched for it in my local newsagent, but it had sold out. Its website says it's "a national bi-monthly based in Australia, aimed at women (and men) looking for a magazine that's as smart, funny, sarcastic, friendly, cute, rude, arty, curious and caring as they are." The latest issue contains stories on plastic cameras, home cooking, denim, dead celebrities, geeky glasses, non-crappy rom-coms, babies, nannas, Christmas Island and being single.

Clearly they've found the formula for success, which they'll only need to tweak a little next month with material on diabetes, gardening, home renovating and 14 year old heartthrobs.

At its current rate of growth, Frankie will outsell Women's Weekly by the year 2020. Although by then, if the print-skeptics are right, Frankie will be the only publication still on newsstands.

What Australia reads (the most purchased periodicals):
1 The Sunday Telegraph, Sydney, 632,000 a week (down 3 per cent in 12 months);
2 The Sunday Herald-Sun, Melbourne, 601,000 a week (down 1 per cent);
3 The Sunday Mail, Brisbane 525,000 a week (down 5);
4 The Herald-Sun Mon-Fri 514,000 (same);
5 The Herald-Sun Saturday 503,000 a week (same);
6 Women's Weekly 502,000 a month (up 2);
7 The Sun-Herald, Sydney 442,000 a week (down 7);
8 Woman's Day 410,000 a week (up 1);
9 Better Homes and Gardens 392,000 a month (up 3);
10 The Daily Telegraph, Sydney, Mon-Fri 359,000 (down 3);
11 The Sydney Morning Herald, Sat 354,000 a week (down 2);
12 New Idea 330,000 a week (same).

Go to Comments to discuss your reading habits.

• by David Dale at 08:15 AM
• Comments (4)

The Tribal Mind: The secret life of viewers

by David Dale
IMAGINE you were the sort of person who likes to glance at television ratings charts and compare your taste with that of the vulgar masses. Undoubtedly there would be at least one program in any chart that causes you to despair at the ignorance and stupidity of your fellow viewers - a show you know to be brilliant, but which attracts so little interest from others that it's at risk of being buried at insomnia-time or held until silly season by the malicious bastards who run programming for the networks.

I call these shows AITOOWGTs (which stands for "Am I The Only One Who Gets This?"). My principal AITOOWGT of the moment is 30 Rock, the cleverest comedy of the decade, which draws only 200,000 viewers a week in the mainland capitals, because Channel Seven insists on showing it at 11.30pm on Monday nights.

Good news for both of us. There's been a technological breakthrough that has the potential to restore your faith in the people around you and slow the trigger fingers of the programmers. OzTAM, the ratings measurement agency, has found a way to count how many people use such gadgets as Tivo, Foxtel IQ, or even ancient VCRs to record programs for viewing later in the week.

OzTAM estimates that 27 per cent of Australian households (containing almost 6 million people) engage in a formerly illegal practice called timeshifting (which is not just the name for what keeps happening to the characters in Lost, my second AITOOWGT). OzTAM has tinkered with the people meters attached to sets in 3,000 homes so that the meter now notifies OzTAM's computer whenever a program is recorded and later watched. The computer waits seven days and issues an updated ratings chart which turns out to demonstrate that many shows have a hidden life. Here's a sampling from the preliminary results.

The most timeshifted programs this month:
1 The short film Harvie Krumpet, on SBS, increased its audience by 74 per cent when recorded viewings were included;
2 Appleseed (SBS) up 39 per cent;
3 The Fixer (SBS) up 29 per cent;
4 Fringe (GO) up 23;
5 Entourage (SBS) up 19;
6 Big Love (SBS) up 17;
7 Family Guy (7) up 17;
8 House (TEN) up 14;
9 Judge John Deed (7TWO) up 12;
10 30 Rock (7) up 7.

At first sight, SBS looks to be the major beneficiary of this new insight into viewing behaviour. Apparently many Australians store up its "cult" material for times when mainstream programming is just too tedious. But if you go by numbers instead of percentages, Channel Ten has most reason to celebrate. Some 144,000 people who were watching the Men's Final of the Australian Open tennis on Channel Seven simultaneously recorded the premiere of the new season of House and watched it later in the week, taking its mainland capitals audience from an apparent 1.04 million to an actual 1.18 million and securing its place in Ten's Sunday night lineup for future weeks.

Who is doing all this recording? OzTAM reveals that the biggest timeshifters are men aged 18-49. With that demographic, the audience for Harvie Krumpet rose 99 per cent when recordings were included, while Entourage soared by 33 per cent. The shifty boys also love The Colbert Report on ABC2 (up 90 per cent) and Nip/Tuck on GO (up 43 per cent).

Oh, I almost forgot to celebrate the appearance of 30 Rock in the shifty list. It was recorded by 16,000 geniuses, which brought its total to 235,000. That may not be enough to convince Seven it has a hit on its hands.

Go to Comments to discuss your AITOOWGTs and how you timeshift.

• by David Dale at 03:01 PM
• Comments (17)

The Tribal Mind: Never bet on politics, television or the movies

For the winners of the Australia Day limerick contest, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
THIS column is not a gambling man, but somehow in the last few weeks it has become entangled in three foolish wagers. In chronological order of likely embarrassment later this year, I seem to have placed bets that:

1) Avatar will never pass $100 million in Australian ticket sales and will thus leave The Sound of Music with the title of Australia's favourite movie;
2) Kristina Keneally will be Premier after the next State election;
3) No television series this year will top the mainland capitals audience of 2.4 million who watched the men's final of the tennis last Sunday.

This column is supposed to have some insight into the mass behaviour of Australians, so you'd think I'd know better than to take such risks. We can blame Cardinal George Pell, the Catholic Archbishop of Sydney, for bet number one. In January, he condemned Avatar as "old-fashioned pagan propaganda". To reassure him, I pointed out that although it had earned more money than any other film in history, Avatar would need to make $100 million to sell as many tickets as The Sound of Music, which some might describe as old-fashioned Catholic propaganda. And ticket sales of that kind would never happen. (To read that discussion, go to Baal worship.)

Mary Sum, an oracle who writes box office analysis for a website called urbancinefile.com.au, challenged us to put a bottle of great red wine on this prediction. As of last Thursday, Avatar's takings totalled $94 million. Please don't go again this weekend.

Bet number two is with a journalist from a rival news organisation, who sneered at my contention that voters will be influenced by a detail the pundits have so far ignored: Kristina Keneally is hot, and Barry O'Farrell is not. I offered to buy lunch if Keneally lost. While not denying Keneally's sex appeal, my opponent said he was so confident of her inability to transcend the rottenness of NSW Labor, he would put up his house.

Bet number three is with a fan of MasterChef, who was complaining about Channel Seven's new show My Kitchen Rules, rapidly nicknamed Dining With Bogans, because its contestants are so tedious. I suggested MKR would devalue the currency of foodie talent quests, and cut the audience that Ten can expect for this year's MasterChef. The fan said MasterChef's producers would be smart enough to choose interesting characters and to create a suspenseful story arc, letting it repeat the performance of attracting 3.7 million viewers to the finale.

If any episode of MasterChef or any other series draws more than 2.4 million viewers this year, I have to buy a dinner at Sydney's best restaurant. My confidence is boosted by the audience numbers in this chart:

The most watched shows of last week
1 Australian Open final (7) 2.4 million
2 Two and a Half Men (9) 1.5 million;
3 The Mentalist (9) 1.3m;
4 The Big Bang Theory (9) 1.2m;
5 Customs (9) 1.2m;
6 RSPCA Animal Rescue (7) 1.2m;
7 Grey's Anatomy (7) 1.2m;
8 My Kitchen Rules (7) 1.2m;
9 The Biggest Loser launch (10) 1.2m;
10 So You Think You Can Dance Australia launch (10) 1.2m.
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

Programs that once averaged 1.8 million viewers and passed 2.2 million for special events are stuck on 1.2 million. This is not because Australians are watching less television. It's because there is now too much choice, provided by Foxtel and by the big networks' digital spinoffs. Very few shows have the capacity to unite the nation any more. Tennis still does it. MasterChef did it last year.

I'm anticipating that after the State election next year, I'll be setting off from my brand new house with my great bottle of red and heading for a fine meal at [product placement here]. But probably I'll have to pay for all three.

Go to Comments to discuss the merits of these bets.

• by David Dale at 04:36 PM
• Comments (7)

The Tribal Mind: Preserved for posterity, the unexpected classics

To compare 21st century Australia with 20th century Australia, go to Another country.

by David Dale
Do these revelations make you proud of the tastes of Australians, or a bit embarrassed? One in every nine homes in this country owns a copy of Mamma Mia!; Love Actually is in more homes than The Lion King; Zoolander is in more homes than Twilight (despite the resemblance of vampires to male models); The Notebook (about a love that outlasts Alzheimer's) is in more homes than Australia (about a love that outlasts invasion); Dirty Dancing is in more homes than Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith; Underbelly Series 1 is in more homes than Summer Heights High, but only just.

Those insights emerge from an analysis of DVD buying habits conducted for this column by the research organisation GfK Australia. I had wondered which films and TV series over the years had evoked a desire for long term commitment instead of a one-night stand -- as in, the DVDs we bought, rather than rented.

Since Australians spend $1.5 billion a year on a form of entertainment that did not exist 15 years ago, I was curious about the libraries we've been building around our giant TV screens. GfK Australia found the 50 discs which sold the most copies since the technology landed in 1997 (when the first DVD to arrive upon our shore was Evita, starring Madonna).

The top selling DVDs of all time: 1 Finding Nemo (2004); 2 Mamma Mia! (2008); 3 Monsters Inc (2002); 4,5,6 The Lord of the Rings trilogy (2002-04); 7,8,9 Harry Potter and the ... Chamber of Secrets (2003), Goblet of Fire (2006), Prisoner of Azkaban (2004); 10 Pirates of the Caribbean (2004); 11 The Notebook (2005); 12 Shrek 2 (2004).

Except for The Notebook, those choices are films we loved at the multiplex and wanted to see again. But further down the 50 you find less familiar titles that suggest extraordinary discernment or mystifying obsessiveness. These were our unexpected icons ...

13. Dirty Dancing (2000). Somehow Australians made an emotional connection with a Jewish schoolgirl who falls in love with a WASP dance teacher in a summer camp near New York in 1963. Go figure.

17. The Matrix (1999). This film started the DVD revolution, when the geeks found a bonus feature in the form of a white rabbit that popped onto the screen during key sequences. Click your remote and you're transported to a mini-documentary on how it was made. Suddenly we knew why DVDs were better than videos.

26. Dances With Wolves (2001). Having embraced this tale of a soldier who goes native, Australians were fully prepared for Avatar.

32. Love Actually (2004): Some say silly sentimentality, some say sweet storytelling, but this film's appeal reaches beyond the DVD -- whenever it's repeated on TV, it pulls more than half a milion viewers. There must be more to it than Bill Nighy's channelling of Keith Richards.

34. 10 Things I Hate About You (2000) This is an updating of The Taming of the Shrew, in which visiting Aussie bad boy Patrick Verona (Heath Ledger) charms sulky schoolgirl Kat Stratford (Julia Stiles). Testament to the enduring genius of Shakespeare?

39. Grease (2002). This flick convinces your kids that a girl like Olivia Newton-John must take up smoking in order to attract a boy like John Travolta.

49. Zoolander (2002). This incisive expose of the fashion industry contributed many phrases to the language: "So hot right now"; "Blue Steel" and "Magnum" (looks used by models); "Eugoogoolizer" (one who speaks at funerals); "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills"; and "Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?"

Go to The DVDs Australia loved for the complete list and to Comments, below, to explain why these became classics.

• by David Dale at 03:28 PM
• Comments (5)

The Tribal Mind: How good are we!

To compare 21st century Australia with 20th century Australia, go to Another country.

by David Dale
Yeah, yeah, Toni Collette plays a bunch of Americans and wins a Golden Globe, but is it enough? As we approach January 26, patriotism requires this column to examine the success of Australian entertainment ventures at home and abroad and to ask the question: Are we currently gripped by a cultural cringe or entitled to a cultural strut?

The case for the cringe: We're barely buying our own music. There was not one Australian album in the top ten for 2009. Number 1 is Susan Boyle, 2 is P!nk, 3 is Black Eyed Peas, 4 is Taylor Swift and 5 is Lily Allen. The first Aussie effort appears at the 12 spot - State of the Art by Hilltop Hoods.

Nor is there any local work among the top five singles, a chart dominated by Black Eyed Peas. The first glimpse of green and gold among the singles is at No 7, with Guy Sebastian's Like It Like That.

Of course an optimist might take the view that P!nk is an honorary Australian, since she spent half of last year in our hemisphere and is more popular here than in her homeland. She could enjoy the same status as that excellent Aussie ensemble Abba.

The cinema box office chart also holds little cheer for the nationalist. Mao's Last Dancer made $15.2 million and revived the career of director Bruce Beresford, but it featured American and Chinese actors, and was set in China and America (even if filmed in Sydney). A sharp-eyed contributor to the movie website imdb.com recently added this detail to the Mao's Last Dancer entry: "Errors in geography. When Liz is leaving for San Francisco, she is driving out of the street. In the corner, it is obvious there is a street post saying 'Darling St', with the City of Sydney logo on it. This scene is played in Houston."

The next most successful local movies were Charlie and Boots, with ticket sales of $3.7m and Samson and Delilah, with $3.2m. You can't exactly claim that we love our own stories.

The story for the strut: Our actors bestride the universe. This column used to argue that the most bankable actor in the world was Hugo Weaving, based on the total earnings of his films (including three Matrixes and three Lord of the Rings). He was briefly surpassed by Harrison Ford in 2008, when Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull came out (and remember who was Ford's costar), but he climbed back on top by voicing a giant robot in two Transformers flicks.

Now Weaving looks like getting bumped again, but he won't mind, because his replacement will be a fellow Aussie -- Sam Worthington, who has appeared in the blockbusters Terminator: Salvation, Avatar and Clash of the Titans.

The only other contender for the most bankable title is yet another Aussie -- Eric Bana, with a list that includes Troy, Hulk, Munich, Star Trek, The Time Traveller's Wife and Funny People, where he was actually allowed to use an Australian accent. Of course they could all be passed ultimately by Canberra's own Mia Wasikowska, who has just completed Alice in Wonderland and is moving on to Jane Eyre.

Lets turn to television. Here is every Australian I can find who worked in an American television series during 2009: Simon Baker (The Mentalist); Rose Byrne (Damages); Alan Dale (Ugly Betty, Lost); Emily de Ravin (Lost); Melissa George (Grey's Anatomy); Rachel Griffiths (Brothers and Sisters); Stephanie Jacobsen (The Sarah Connor Chronicles); Ryan Kwanted (True Blood); Dichen Lachman (Dollhouse); Anthony LaPaglia (Without A Trace); Ben Lawson (The Deep End); Julian McMahon (Nip/ Tuck); Poppy Montgomery (Without A Trace); John Noble (Fringe); Jesse Spencer (House); Yvonne Strahovski (Chuck); Rachael Taylor (Washingtonienne); Anna Torv (Fringe).

Stirring stuff. Compare that with the number of British actors on US television. We've knocked our former colonial masters out of the game.

Go to Comments to suggest any other reasons to strut on Tuesday.

• by David Dale at 11:10 PM
• Comments (0)

The Tribal Mind: When a simple bit of sci-fi becomes a Rorschach test

by David Dale
Two things followed immediately upon this column's assertion last week that Avatar needs a more interesting plot to match its visual splendour: 1) Avatar became the highest grossing film in Australian history, selling $69 million worth of tickets in 4 weeks; 2) Cardinal George Pell, the Roman Catholic Archbishop of Sydney, condemned it as "old-fashioned pagan propaganda".

Other commentators have complained that Avatar promotes a leftist or greenie agenda, but Cardinal Pell knows where the real danger lies. He is an expert on the activities of pagan propagandists. Back in 2001, he warned: "We must not allow the situation to deteriorate as it had in Elijah's time, 850 years before Christ, where monotheism was nearly swamped by the aggressive paganism of the followers of Baal." (Baal was a Phoenician fertility god).

Now it would seem that Baal is back, in the person of writer-director James Cameron. Cardinal Pell is disturbed by Cameron's speculation that a planet might function as a giant organic computer into which all living things are connected. Reviewing Avatar in The Sunday Telegraph last Sunday, he wrote: "Worship of the powerful forces of nature is half right, a primitive stage in the movement towards acknowledging the one: the single transcendent God, above and beyond nature. It is a symptom of our age that Hollywood is pumping out this old-fashioned pagan propaganda".

Avatar has managed what no other piece of popular culture has achieved in living memory - it dragged the intellectuals, the philosophers, and the academics out of their ivory towers and into the multiplex, curious to see what had made the vulgar masses so excited. Then it polarised them.

In Britain, the social theorist George Monbiot came down on the opposite side from Cardinal Pell. Writing in The Guardian, he said Avatar is "both profoundly silly and profound ... it speaks of a truth more important - and more dangerous - than those contained in a thousand arthouse movies. The metaphor is conscious and precise: this is the story of European engagement with the native peoples of the Americas" (so not Iraq and not Vietnam, as others have suggested).

Monbiot believes it symbolises the brutality with which Europeans have exploited "the New World" since the time of Christopher Columbus (whose soldiers "tore babies from their mothers and dashed their heads against rocks" and "ordered all the native people to deliver a certain amount of gold every three months; anyone who failed had his hands cut off".)

For the deep thinkers, Avatar has become an inkblot test, into which they read meanings that reveal more about themselves than about the film. All sides agree that this is powerful propaganda. They differ on what it is doing to its audience.

To reassure George Pell that fewer people have been brainwashed into paganism than he feared, and to disappoint George Monbiot that fewer people have been radicalised about indigenous rights than he hoped, we offer two charts ...

The films that made the most money in Australia:
1 Avatar (2009) $69 million
2 Titanic (1997) $58m
3 Shrek 2 (2004) $50.5m
4 The Return of the King (2003) $49.5m
5 Crocodile Dundee (1986) $48m
6 Fellowship of the Ring (2001) $47.5m
7 The Dark Knight (2008) $46m
8 The Two Towers (2002) $46m.
The films that sold the most tickets in Australia:
1 The Sound of Music (1965 and later reshowings)
2 Crocodile Dundee (1986)
3 Star Wars (1977 and 97)
4 Gone With The Wind (1939 and reshowings)
5 Titanic (1997)
6 E.T (1982)
7 Dr Zhivago (1966)
8 Grease (1978 and reshowings).
(For full details, go to The films Australia loved).

So the film seen by the greatest number of people in this country is The Sound of Music (which some might call "old-fashioned Catholic propaganda"). At modern ticket prices, Avatar will need to gross $100 million to surpass Maria's audience. Reaching that figure is about as likely as a land converted to paganism or a Spanish apology for Columbus.

Go to Comments to discuss whether Avatar is anti-God.

• by David Dale at 04:12 AM
• Comments (15)

The Tribal Mind: Can you give Avatar a deeper story?

To nominate the buzz words of 2010 -- cortado, for example -- go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
IT HAS become trendy among conservative commentators to condemn Avatar as a piece of hippy commie propaganda that will turn our children into suicide bombers. Or do I exaggerate? The test of this theory will come at the next federal election, when there will be a swing of 68 per cent to the Greens if Avatar's 4 million ticket buyers have really been brainwashed in the way the commentators suggest.

Their fear of James Cameron's powers as a propagandist no doubt arose from the long-term influence of his last MEMEM (Most Expensive Movie Ever Made). Back in 1997, Titanic was seen by 6 million Australians. A Nielsen survey published recently in The Sydney Morning Herald revealed that 56 per cent of adults -- 9 million of us -- believe in heaven (while only 38 per cent believe in hell).

Instead of taking John Lennon's advice -- "Imagine there's no heaven" -- most Australians apparently prefer Cameron's theory, as expressed in the final moments of the film, that when they die, good people go to a place that looks like the first class lounge of Titanic (pre-iceberg -- presumably evil people go to a place that looks like the same lounge, post-iceberg).

Which brings us to the issue of the day: how would you make Avatar a more interesting story? My problem with the film is not its politics but its predictability. Within the first 15 minutes you can see exactly where it's going. It's beautiful but shallow -- especially on second viewing.

As a writer-director, Cameron wasn't always so superficial. Terminator and Terminator 2 are full of suspenseful twists and intriguing ideas about time travel, destiny and free will. And while Titanic had to follow the broad facts of history (the boat sinks), Cameron managed a surprise ending. We learn that Rose changed her name to escape her nasty mother and boyfriend, built a new life in America and travelled to the exploration vessel with the aim of returning something to the ocean.

She dies in her sleep and arrives in Cameron's afterlife - a scene which raises many fascinating questions. Is every person's heaven individual, so that when we die, each of us returns to the moment in our life when we were at our happiest? This scenario implies that Rose is not meeting the actual souls of the former passengers, but instead a bunch of entertaining clones created as a reward for her goodness.

Or is heaven a shared experience, which means Jack and the other drowned travellers have been waiting around in the first class lounge for 85 years until Rose can join them. And now that she's there, will Titanic miss the iceberg and land in a heavenly version of Manhattan, so the lovers can enjoy the life they would have experienced if there had been enough lifeboats? And then, if they grow old together, do they die again and go to yet another heaven?

Avatar offers no such provocations. It's little more than a spectacular visualisation of the early songs of Midnight Oil (and we hope Cameron is paying Peter Garrett an appropriate commission). So how might we make its storyline match its presentation?

In America, where they obsess over everything, there are now websites devoted to improving the plotline of Avatar (go here for an example). They suggest that Cameron should have made the characters more complex and the issues more difficult.

How about turning the spivvy company rep and the hardbitten colonel into idealists who need the unobtanium to save the earth from devastating drought? So Jake must choose between the survival of the human race and the religious sensibilities of a bunch of blue giants, rather than just between brutal capitalism and benign socialism.

Or how about making the planet's inhabitants less endearing -- perhaps committed to human sacrifice or cannibalism or hallucinogenic drugs or really ugly body piercings? Jake's choice would become much more debatable.

The possibilities are endless, and you can offer your suggestions by going to Comments. To learn what Avatar has in common with the oldest story ever published , go to Gilgamesh.

• by David Dale at 09:28 AM
• Comments (1)

How bad TV made us better

To test yourself on whether you're fit to be an Australian citizen, click here.

by David Dale.
Might as well get in early. Now that September 11 is out of the way, our next pause for reflection will be the 50th birthday of television (click here for how it's going). Soon everyone will be celebrating, satirising, criticising or patronising. To mark the dying of the Age of the Mass Broadcast and the dawning of the Age of the Direct Download, here are a few curmudgeonly notions off the top of this column's head about peaks and troughs ...

• by David Dale at 01:58 PM
• Comments (60)

The Tribal Mind: We know what you did this summer

To learn why Twitter is over, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
IMAGINE Daffy Duck is reading this aloud: A singing Scottish spinster has been the sound of summer so far, while the sights of summer have been big blue biowarriors, a dynamic doctor-detective duo and a voluptuous but vituperative vicar. Plus the customary cricket and candlelit carols, of course.

So starts our annual alliterative analysis of how Australians are spending the silly season. Here are three charts that will enable you to compare your own entertainment consumption in the past fortnight with that of the masses, and thereby determine if you are a normal, typical, average, everyday Aussie-in-the-street or a bold individualist.

The music we're playing
The summer's top selling albums:
1 I Dreamed A Dream, by the surprise survivor of Britain's Got Talent, Susan Boyle (560,000 copies distributed in five weeks);
2 Crazy Love, by Michael Buble (210,000 in five weeks);
3 Introducing by Australian Idol winner Stan Walker (70,000 in three weeks);
4 The Fame Monster by Lady Gaga (70,000 in three weeks);
5 Golden Rule by Powderfinger (70,000 in six weeks).
(Figures from Australian Record Industry Association. To see how these compare with the all-time records go to The music Australia loved).

The top selling single was Stan Walker's Black Box (35,000 in five weeks), which uses the metaphor of a plane crash for the breakdown of a relationship, and includes the line: "Everything we had scattered everywhere, searching through the wreckage of a love affair". Idol may have been a flop for Channel Ten this year, but it can still sell songs.

You could be forgiven for concluding from the content of those hits that purchasers of CDs in December tend to be over the age of 40.

The flicks we're queueing for
Cinema box office takings since December 16:
1 Avatar $39 million (to learn what Avatar has in common with the oldest story ever told, go to Gilgamesh;
2 Sherlock Holmes $8.5m;
3 Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Squeakuel $8m;
4 Old Dogs (slapstick with Robin Williams and John Travolta) $3m;
5 Did You Hear about the Morgans (slapstick romance with Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker) $2.5m;
6 Bright Star (virginal romance with Abbie Cornish) $860,000;
7 The Lovely Bones (Peter Jackson's tale of murder and ghosts) $761,000;
8 Nowhere Boy (John Lennon's early life) $303,000.
(Figures from Motion Picture Distributors Association of Australia. To compare these with the all time records, go to The films Australia loved)

Normally you could divide those totals by the average ticket price of $12 to estimate how many Australians saw each film, but that's not possible with Avatar, because cinemas showing it in 3D are adding $5 to the ticket price for the rental of the special glasses. At these prices, I reckon you should be able to keep the specs, but the cinemas employ threshold guardians to demand their return.

This raises hygiene issues. Are we about to see the spread of an Avatar-driven epidemic of conjunctivitis? Or if they are cleaning the specs, how will the chemicals affect the eyes of the next users? Not that this column would wish to put you off seeing Avatar in 3-D.

The telly we watched
Top rating programs since December 20:
1 Carols by Candlelight (9) 1.8 million viewers in the mainland capitals;
2 Midnight fireworks New Year's Eve (9) 1.5m;
3 Nine news Sunday (9) 1.3 m;
4 The Vicar Of Dibley Christmas Special (7) 1.3m;
5 Seven News Sunday (7) 1.2m;
6 The Vicar Of Dibley Happy Birthday Special (7) 1.2m;
7 Border Patrol -Sunday (7) 1.2m;
8 The Mentalist repeat (9) 11m;
9 First Test - Australia V Pakistan (9) 1.0m;
10 Spicks And Specks: A Very Specky Christmas (ABC1) 1.0m.
(Figures from OzTAM. To compare these with the all time records, go to The TV shows Australia loved.)

The silly season is traditionally a time when the networks test new shows they suspect won't work in prime time, and sometimes they are embraced by viewers in holiday mode. That hasn't happened with any of the lame sitcoms unloaded this year by Seven, Nine and Ten. No wonder we've all been out risking blindness.

Go to Comments to discuss your summer favourites.

• by David Dale at 03:44 PM
• Comments (5)

The Tribal Mind: The original hero's journey

To learn why Twitter is over, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
AVATAR and Gilgamesh are the bookends of 4,000 years of human storytelling - although neither of them is actually a book. Avatar is James Cameron's latest MEMEM (Most Expensive Movie Ever Made), showing on 588 screens across Australia, and seen by 1.5 million of us in its first seven days. It's been described as "Aliens meets Pocahontas" and "Dances With Wolves meets Apocalypse Now".

Gilgamesh is the OSEP (Oldest Story Ever Published), an epic that used to be called He Who Saw The Deep, which was scratched onto baked clay screens around 2000 BC. It was as much of a technological breakthrough in its time as Avatar is in ours. Before He Who Saw The Deep, cuneiform writing was used only to keep the financial accounts of the kings and priests of Mesopotamia (an area now labelled Iraq). Then a group of adventurous scribes stretched this new communication tool by attempting a permanent record of a hero's journey which until then had only been spoken.

Lets do a checklist to compare humanity's oldest epic with humanity's newest epic:

Do you need special tools to get the best from the story?
With Gilgamesh, you need a translator from Akkadian into English, and a writer who can capture the poetry (I recommend Stephen Mitchell, in the edition published by Profile Books). With Avatar, you need 3-D glasses, which are ever-so-slightly disorienting and add to the dreamlike quality.

Does the hero go through a transformation and gain self-knowledge?
Yes, in both. In Avatar, the hero is a soldier named Jake Sully, who is initially committed to the profits of a mining company but becomes the champion of an oppressed indigenous race on a distant moon called Pandora. In Gilgamesh, the protagonist is an arrogant king who rapes his female subjects and bashes his male subjects, but comes to realise the only way to achieve immortality is to do good things in his lifetime. In a dazzllng twist, he also becomes the narrator of his own transformation.

Is there an ecological message?
Yes, in both. King Gilgamesh and his friend Enkidu anger the gods by killing the guardian of a cedar forest (in what is now Lebanon) and chopping down sacred trees. As a consequence, Enkidu grows sick and dies, and Gilgamesh spends his life mourning his friend. In Avatar, the mining company angers the planet goddess by bombing a sacred tree, and I won't spoil the suspense by telling you what happens.

How's the sex?
Good in both, but Gilgamesh scores higher. Enkidu starts as a wild man who is civilised by making love for seven days with a priestess named Shamhat. Jake Sully comes to understand the native mindset through a night of love with a warrior named Neytiri.

Are there jokes?
Avatar is about as funny as Titanic (ie humour is not James Cameron's strong point), while Gilgamesh contains a hilarious discussion between the king and the goddess Ishtar, who has developed a crush on him. She says: "Marry me, give me your luscious fruits", but Gil details how all her previous husbands met horrible deaths: "If I too became your lover, you would treat me as cruelly as you treated them." Ishtar throws a hissy fit, and sends The Bull of Heaven to kill Gil and Enk.

Memorable female characters?
Again, Gilgamesh scores higher. Avatar has Sigourney Weaver in the mentor role -- a scientist who wants to understand the planet's biodiversity -- and Neytiri, Pandora's answer to Pocahontas. Gilgamesh has Shamhat the seductress, the goddess Ishtar and a wise barmaid called Shiduri, who warns Gil that "the gods gave death to man and kept life for themselves".

A strong villain?
Avatar's Colonel Quaritch, who embodies the US war machine, tells his troops: "There's an aboriginal horde out there massing for an attack. We'll blow a hole in their racial memory so big they won't come back for a hundred years." Gilgamesh is less obvious. The king starts out bad but comes good, Ishtar is just a spoiled brat, while Humbaba, the "monster" in the forest, tells his two attackers: "You know that this is my place and that I am the forest's guardian ... If you kill me, you will call down the gods' wrath, and their judgement will be severe. I could have killed you at the forest's edge and fed your guts to the shrieking vultures and crows. Now it is your turn to show me mercy." (They don't, leaving the reader wondering who is the real villain).

Would Gilgamesh make a great movie? Would Avatar make a great clay tablet?
Yes to the first (I envisage Brad Pitt and Matt Damon as Gil and Enk, with George Clooney as Humbaba, Megan Fox as Ishtar, Tina Fey as Shamhat and Meryl Streep as Shiduri). But I'm afraid Avatar is a single medium phenomenon -- it could only ever be a movie (but a damn good one).

Go to Comments to discuss the significance of Avatar and Gilgamesh.

• by David Dale at 11:40 PM
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The Tribal Mind: The best of the binge boxes

For the winners of the Tribal Mind's political poetry contest, go here.

by David Dale
Heaven forbid that this column would ever be caught providing a suggestion list for last minute Christmas shoppers - such sentimentality should stay in the fluffier sections of this website. But if you were to draw inspiration from what follows -- a scholarly analysis of the year's most bingeworthy boxed sets -- we won't send the frivolity police around to stop you.

Binge was the word in 2009. Betrayed by TV networks who played silly buggers with timeslots, showed series out of order, and shifted smart material to digital graveyards, the viewers fought back by heading for the video store. Then they stayed up till the early hours watching episode after episode of their favourite shows, commercial free and in the order their makers intended.

The research organisation GfK Australia has kindly provided a chart of the 50 DVDs that made the most money this year, and of them, 13 were TV series (while two were music - Pink's Funhouse Tour and Andre Rieu Live in Australia). Five years ago a DVD top 50 would have been all movies, each offering a mere two hours of escapism. These were this year's Big Binges ...

Top selling boxed sets of 2009
1 Underbelly series 2
2 Underbelly series 1
3 Gossip Girl season 1
4 True Blood season 1
5 Family Guy season 8
6 Dexter season 3
7 Supernatural season 3
8 NCIS season 5
9 Family Guy season 7
10 Gossip Girl season 2.

So Australians have been bingeing on nudity, violence, dirty jokes, mystery, and teenage soap opera. And blood, endlessly gushing blood. Now here's what they should have been buying (and will in the next two days, if they haven't yet done their Xmas shopping):

The Wire The second best TV series ever made (not quite number one because The Sopranos is funnier) can only be appreciated via the binge. There are too many characters and too much street slang to hold in your head for a week between episodes. Three per night is the ideal. Season five is not released yet.

Clarke and Dawe: The Full Catastrophe For 20 years John Clarke has been appearing weekly (but strongly) on The 7.30 Report, sounding only slightly less silly than the politicians he fails to impersonate. Now all his interviews are gathered on three discs. The recommended dose is 14 interviews per night.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles season 2 Any episode of this sadly terminated series is 20 times smarter than this year's Terminator movie. You're forced to binge because each ep leaves you anxious about the fate of characters you love, once you realise that with these writers, nobody is safe. More than three doses a night would be too intense.

East West 101 season 2 Nobody watched this brooding crime series, set in western Sydney, when it was shown on SBS last month. Then it won a pile of writing awards. To find out why, two eps a night should be safe.

Curb Your Enthusiasm season 6 This year the programming gibbons at Channel Nine extracted two fragments from season 7 of the best dystopian sitcom ever made, and showed them out of order, because they happened to include a joke about a Seinfeld reunion. Most viewers chose to wait for the opportunity to see the whole of season 7 on DVD. To understand the story arc, buy season 6 and watch five eps at a time. Then buy season 7 next month with the cash you got in the card from grandma. Not that we are recommending anything.

Go to comments to register your own wish list (then invite your relatives to log on to this page and pick up your hints).

• by David Dale at 04:31 PM
• Comments (5)

The Tribal Mind: A vile victory

To discuss some of the strangest things written about Australia in 2009, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
ANALYSING popular culture is often a blood sport, affording shallow observers such as this column the opportunity to heap insults upon poor celebrities who work their guts out to entertain the masses. As Frank Sinatra said of the Australian media during his 1974 tour: "They're called parasites, because they take and take and take and never give, absolutely never give. I say they're bums and they're always gonna be bums, every one of them."

Well, not this year. Instead of presenting our usual cruel and unnecessary list of the biggest losers, this column is going to be purely positive.

THE WINNERS OF 2009
Pay television Between 2001 and 2009 the population of Australia grew by 10 per cent. Between 2001 and 2009, the average number of people watching prime time TV on Channel Nine dropped 17 per cent, on Channel Seven dropped 10 per cent, on and on Channel Ten dropped 2 per cent. In the same period, Pay TV's audience rose 95 per cent. The free networks' addition this year of digital spinoffs specialising in flops and repeats has done nothing to slow the rise of Pay.

The ABC Between 2001 and 2009, its prime time TV audience has grown by 9 per cent, its metropolitan radio beats most of the commercial talk stations, and its website has expanded to offer serious competition to the newspaper chains.

Matthew Newton Last year he was known only for legal troubles with an ex-girlfriend. This year the nation loved him as a drug dealing murderer with a New Zealand accent. Underbelly - A Tale of Two Cities made him the biggest TV star of the year, and gave him frequent opportunities to cuddle naked women.

Jelena Dokic Proving that Australians love tales of triumph over adversity, Dokic's comeback at the Australian Open pulled as many viewers as Underbelly, and she didn't even need to take her top off.

Shaun Micallef As the year began, his satire Newstopia was pulling less than 200,000 viewers to SBS, and his fans feared he would go down to history as a cult oddity. Then Ten's Talkin' 'Bout Your Generation became a hit, and he was the Jelena Dokic of comedy.

Kyle Sandilands Radio station 2DayFM briefly suspended him for arrogant insensitivity, Channel Ten sacked him from the judging panel of Australian Idol, and surveys showed he was the nation's least-liked celebrity. By year end, his radio ratings were up and Idol had lost half a million viewers. No doubt he'll star in Underbelly 4.

Poh Ling Yeow On MasterChef, she represented the qualities of the new Australia (i.e. interesting), and accepted the ABC's offer to present her own series.

Hamish Blake He said yes to every invitation, and his ubiquity let him bump Hugh Jackman from the top of the Q Scores survey as the most recognized and liked person in the land.

Baz Luhrmann The critics and the historians sneered, but his melodrama Australia became the second most successful local movie of all time at the cinema, and then the top selling DVD of the year (ahead of Twilight, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, The Dark Knight, Mamma Mia! and the boxed set of Underbelly 2.)

Bruce Beresford He published a book called Josh Hartnett Definitely Wants To Do This, which showed how hard it is to get any movie made, then demonstrated, with Mao's Last Dancer, how easy it is to persuade Australians to see an Australian film - you just set it in another country, with stars who are either Chinese or American.

Go to Comments to add your own winners for the year

• by David Dale at 06:51 PM

The Tribal Mind: From bust to boom - what do you recall from 2009?

To discuss how dumb Australia was in 2009, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
BARE breasts bobbing up and down, a boy smearing Vegemite under his arms, comedians mocking a charity for dying children, a kangaroo hopping through a car pileup in Los Angeles, five doctors dressed as golliwogs, and a corpulent cravatted man frowning as he rolls a lump of chocolate cake around his mouth.

Those are the images burned into my brain after studying Australian television for the past 11 months. Their dazzling diversity makes it hard to offer a unified field theory of Australia's mood in 2009. It was a year that began with viewers addicted to sex and violence and ended with an embrace of family values. Back in February, this column took a punt on the zeitgeist: "Perfect breasts. That's what it takes to make a hit TV show these days. Perfect New Zealand breasts, to be precise. Plus some sort of crime story that will justify displaying the breasts at least five times per episode.

"The PBs in the first two episodes of Underbelly 2 belonged to Jenna Lind, who plays Maria Muhary, the kiwi girlfriend of drug dealer Terry Clark. In the third episode, the PBs belonged to Anna Hutchison, who plays Alison Dine, the other kiwi girlfriend of Terry Clark (his first girlfriend's PBs having ceased to be available for public viewing, because she had become a mother). The second PBs were slightly smaller than the first PBs, but still able to be aesthetically appreciated by persons of all genders and sexual orientations.

"With any luck, they've started a trend that will carry Australian television back to the glory days of Number 96. 'Bare the breast' could replace 'jump the shark' as industry jargon for a desperate strategy to raise ratings."

Sadly this was not to be. By mid year the only breasts on display belonged to chickens and ducks, on the benchtops of MasterChef, which proceeded to revive the cravat as a fashion option and add the term "plating up" to the vocabulary of eight year olds.

The descent into dagginess continued with the Hey Hey It's Saturday reunions, where a boy won Red Faces by demonstrating the many uses of Vegemite, and a bunch of doctors failed to realise that repeating an undergraduate blackface routine after 20 years would infuriate a visiting American.

The Chaser team had demonstrated equally poor judgement with a skit satirising sentimentality in fundraising. They sort-of apologised, but the incident stirred up a cult of complaint, which then turned its attention to the previously sacred Packed to the Rafters. Tabloid outrage greeted an episode which implied that men masturbate while fantasising about women to whom they are not married.

Rafters redeemed itself in the final episode by adding an infant to the family mix, showing it had not lost its knack of exploiting social changes taking place in real-life Australia (currently in the midst of a baby boom).

The sci-fi series Flashforward, meanwhile, charmed us by throwing a kangaroo into the chaos of its opening episode. But by year end, Flashforward looked to be going the way of all good TV sci-fi -- to the late night schedule or to one of the digital or Pay channels.

What does all this say about national priorities at the start of a new decade? The success of MasterChef may suggest Australians are retreating into comfy cocoons. But Channel Nine clearly believes we're still turned on by violence. Its press release for the next season of Underbelly promises insights into a period when "the cops were bent and the crims were cool ... seen through the eyes of some of the most sexy, charming, corrupt and deadly people of the time."

Will that be us in 2010 -- cool, corrupt and deadly, models of gangster chic? Or will we be too busy plating up beautiful meals for our newborns? Go to Comments to discuss your theory and to describe your most memorable TV images of the year.

• by David Dale at 03:46 PM
• Comments (5)

The Tribal Mind: Film will eat itself

To discuss how dumb Australia was in 2009, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
YOU CAN'T call it plagiarism because they want you to recognise the parallels. Please don't call it postmodern self-referentialism because jargon has no place in this conversation. Lets just call it cannibalism. Every big movie these days is not complete unless it contains at least one blatant reference to another big movie.

This year the fad first became apparent in Star Trek, when young Spock glimpsed old Spock (who had travelled back in time) and said "Father?" Old Spock replied: "I am not our father".

Then in Terminator: Salvation, a soldier asked John Connor ""What should I tell your men when they find out you're gone?" and Connor replied: "I'll be back".

Then in Night At The Museum 2, a pharoah looked at the brought-to-life statue of a classic villain and said: "Is that you breathing? Because I can't hear myself think. There's too much going on here -- you're asthmatic, you're a robot. And why the cape? Are we going to the opera? I don't think so."

The apotheosis was reached with 2012, when the hero, played by John Cusack, looked up from a map and said to his pilot: "We're gonna need a bigger plane".

If none of those lines mean anything to you, you are probably not among the 14 million Australians who go to the cinema at least four times a year. But keep reading, you might learn something about how modern movies are eating themselves. The references are:

1 In a film that mostly contains in-jokes about the Star Trek TV series, this is a twist on the moment in Star Wars when Darth Vader revealed his identity to Luke Skywalker. (The conversation ends with another zinger, when old Spock tells young Spock: "Since my customary farewell would appear oddly self-serving, I shall simply say Good Luck." That's a reference to the Vulcan signoff, with hand gesture, "Live long and prosper".)

2 In the original Terminator movie, the line belonged to the cyborg played by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

3 The pharoah is looking at Darth Vader.

4 It's a twist on Jaws, when the sheriff sees the shark and tells the captain "We're gonna need a bigger boat".

If you found those explanations unnecessary, you can now move on to prove your cinephilia by matching these 2009 hit movies with the lines below: 1) Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, which grossed $40.5 million; 2) Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen $40.2m; 3) Up ($28.2m); 4) Monsters Vs Aliens ($20.5m); 5) The Twilight Saga: New Moon ($20m in its first week, likely to make $40m); 6) Angels and Demons $18m; 7) The Proposal $16.5m; 8) He's Just Not That Into You $14.6m.

Here are the lines to match:
a) "Do you want to play a game? It's called See Who Can Go the Longest Without Saying Anything."
b) "The absence of him is everywhere I look. It's like a huge hole has been punched through my chest."
c) "Citizens of the human hive, your leaders have withheld the truth. You are not alone in the universe."
d) Hey! She's only interested in you because she thinks you're The Chosen One."
e) "It feels warmer than I remember. Did the Earth get warmer? It would be great to know that... that would be a very convenient truth."
f) "I didn't fire you because I felt threatened. No. I fired you because you're lazy, entitled, incompetent and you spend more time cheating on your wife than you do in your office."
g) I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies."
h) "Science and religion are not enemies. There are simply some things that science is just too young to understand."

Go below for the answers and to nominate your favourite lines from this year's flicks.

• by David Dale at 07:15 AM
• Comments (2)

The Tribal Mind: How we've changed -- or have we?

To learn how Australia became addicted to caffeine, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
AUSTRALIA has made an enormous evolutionary leap over the past ten years, and we should be proud of the way we've matured into sophisticated, discerning consumers.

That's one theory, anyway. Cleaning out a mouldy filing cabinet last weekend, I came across a way to test if the claim is true -- a fat document, sent out to journalists exactly ten years ago, with these words on the cover: "RATINGS REPORT - NINE SHINES IN 1999". It's Channel Nine's 60 page analysis of trends in television at the end of the 90s. I can say with absolute confidence that Nine will not be sending out a report anything like it this year.

Since we're only a week away from the end of the 2009 ratings period, it's possible to find some illuminating differences between the way we were and the way we are. Check out these ratings charts, and see if you agree with the comparisons I make afterwards...

The most watched non-sporting programs of 1999:
1 Hey Hey It's Saturday, final (9) 2.71 million
2 Friends (9) 2.59m
3 Sunday night movie - The Castle (9) 2.46m
4 Who Wants To Be A Millionaire special (9) 2.23m
5 Jesse (9) 2.21m
6 Getaway special - The Orient Express (9) 2.17m
7 The Logies, hosted by Andrew Denton (9) 2.13m
8 John Farnham's 50th birthday (9) 2.12m
9 Walking With Dinosaurs (ABC) 2.08m
10 SeaChange (ABC) 2.07m
11 The Best and Worst of Royalty (9) 2.03m
12 Sunday night movie - Mission Impossible (10) 2.00m
13 This is Your Life (9) 1.98m
14 Blue Heelers (7) 1.98m
15 Sunday night movie - Dating The Enemy (7) 1.97m
(Nielsen, mainland capitals)

The most watched non-sporting programs of 2009:
1 MasterChef Australia - Winner Announced (10) 3.74 million
2 Hey Hey Reunion part two (9) 2.31m
3 Hey Hey Reunion part one (9) 2.17m
4 Underbelly: A Tale of Two Cities (9) 2.13m
5 The Biggest Loser: Winner Announced (10) 2.10m
6 Packed to the Rafters (7) 1.90m
7 MasterChef challenge (10) 1.74m
8 The Logies, hosted by Gretel Killeen (9) 1.65m
9 Seven news Sunday (7) 1.61m
10 Talkin' 'bout Your Generation (10) 1.60m
11 Dancing With The Stars grand final (7) 1.57m
12 Thank God You're Here (7) 1.52m
13 World's Strictest Parents (7) 1.51m
14 Seven news weekdays (7) 1.50m
15 Border Security (7) 1.50m.
(OzTAM, mainland capitals)

We watch a lot less commercial TV these days. Instead, we watch more ABC (its two stations averaged 17.1 per cent of the prime time audience this year - up from 14.7 per cent in 99). We watch more Pay TV (28 per cent of homes are subscribers now, up from 10 per cent in 99). And Australians under 40 spend more hours a week on the internet (which barely existed in 99) than on the box.

We are much more diverse in our tastes. Back when the population was 19 million, it was usual for a hit series to hold more than 2 million viewers in the mainland capitals, week after week. Now, with the population above 22 million, the networks crack champagne if a show tops 1.5 million. Thisyear, the only series that united us was Underbelly. Back then, we united around Friends, Jesse, Walking With Dinosaurs, SeaChange, This Is Your Life and Blue Heelers.

We've come to prefer our own sense of humour. The favourite comedies in 99 were the US-made Friends, Jesse, Ally McBeal and The Drew Carey Show. This year the top comedies were Talkin' 'Bout Your Generation, Thank God You're Here and Two and a Half Men.

Movies don't work any more on TV. That's because 85 per cent of homes now have DVD players (up from 8 per cent back then). This year the top rating movie, Night at the Museum, drew 1.5 million viewers. In 99, seven movies attracted more than 1.8 million. They included The Castle, Dating The Enemy and Babe (which suggests Australians liked their own stories more than they do now).

And Mission Impossible, which drew 2 million viewers in 99, starred Tom Cruise, who was the national in-law at the time.

Channel Nine has gone down the plughole of history. In the 1999 document, Nine's Program Director, John Stephens, is quoted thus: "The network will not be resting on its laurels in year 2000. There will be greater emphasis on improving our winning performance with the lucrative 16-39 demographic and at the same time retaining Nine's loyal and valued 40-plus audience. I think Nine can look forward to an exceptional start to the new century."

By the mid Noughties, Stephens was working for Channel Seven, as was Nine's managing director David Leckie. In 99, Nine averaged 32.8 per cent of the prime time audience, while Seven averaged 29.4. This year Seven and 7TWO averaged 27.9 per cent while Nine and GO! averaged 26.6. Channel Ten has risen from 19.5 per cent then to 22.5 per cent now. SBS is up from 3.1 to 5.9.

Daryl Somers and Shaun Micalleff are stayers. Back then, Micallef was the love interest in SeaChange. Now he's the agent provocateur in Talkin' 'Bout Your Generation. Daryl Somers still does Hey Hey It's Saturday.

Go to Comments to discuss how else we've changed in ten years.

• by David Dale at 10:12 AM

The Tribal Mind: Divided, decimated and conquered

To learn how Australia became addicted to caffeine, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
AS THE old joke goes, there are two types of people in the world: those who say there are two types of people in the world, and those who find it more useful to divide the world into 10 types of people. The survey organisation Roy Morgan Research is in the second category. After four decades of interviewing thousands of Australians about their beliefs, hopes, fears, likes, and spending habits, Morgan has concluded that the 16 million adults in this land can be split among ten "value segments". Morgan's classification has been widely adopted by the advertising and marketing industry. Can you find yourself among these labels ...

Traditional Family Life (20.1 per cent of the community). According to Morgan, "generally aged 50-plus with grown children, this group is motivated by security, reliability and providing better opportunities for their families."

Visible Achievement (17.4 per cent). "Enjoy the tangible rewards of their success but, confident and individualistic, they do not feel the need to impress others. Practical and realistic, they seek quality and value for money." They seem to correspond with what the ratings agency OzTAM calls "Occupational Groups 1 and 2", which means their favourite TV shows include Packed To The Rafters, NCIS, Celebrity MasterChef and Spicks and Specks.

Socially Aware (14.4 per cent). "Community minded and socially active, people in this group have a strong sense of social responsibility. Always looking for something new and different, they tend to be early adopters and influencers." They watch the least amount of television of all the segments -- less than 2 hours a day.

Conventional Family Life (12.2 per cent, up from 10.8 per cent in 2006). This group, younger than the Traditionals, "devote their time and effort to family and their home - either building one or striving to improve it". They seem to correspond with what OzTAM calls "Grocery Buyers", which means their favourite TV shows include Packed To The Rafters, Midsomer Murders, RSPCA Animal Rescue, and Better Homes and Gardens.

Look at Me (11.5 per cent) "Younger, socially active, peer-driven people who are highly conscious of image and fashion ... their behaviour tends to be hedonistic and rebellious".

Young Optimism (7.7 per cent) "Associated with ambition and idealism, people in this group want to experience life - travel, career, friends, family, sport and social activity - and believe they can have it all. Usually students and young professionals, they are innovative and interested in technology." They rarely watch TV, but visit the cinema more than any other segment.

Something Better (6.5 per cent). "Competitive, ambitious and concerned about status and image and often extend their budget in order to demonstrate their success to others." They are the group most likely to subscribe to Pay TV.

Real Conservatism (4.8 per cent) "Usually mature people who hold conservative social, moral and ethical values, they seek a disciplined, ordered society that is safe and predictable."

Fairer Deal (3.2 per cent, down from 4.2 in 2006). "Usually associated with unskilled and semi-skilled workers ... more likely than others to experience unemployment and financial insecurity and subsequent family pressures. This can create a feeling that they are getting 'a raw deal' out of life."

Basic Needs (2.5 per cent). "Usually associated with retirees, pensioners or people living on social security payments ... a desire for security and order and a strong sense of community". Least likely of all the groups to go to the cinema, but most likely to watch 4 hours of television a day.

Go to Comments to discuss whether this is a legitimate way to slice society.

• by David Dale at 09:28 AM
• Comments (4)

The Tribal Mind: The truth, the whole truth and something like the truth

To judge if Australia is a land of jocks or aesthetes, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
The little Aussie flick Mao's Last Dancer is a big hit in its own land - making $13 million in four weeks and likely to bump Muriel's Wedding out of the top ten grossing Australian films of all time. A question now arises: Would Mao's Last Dancer be less successful if it had not taken a dramatic liberty with the truth in one of its final scenes?

The same question arose with the recent British hit The Young Victoria, which made $4.2 million here. Towards the end, Victoria is riding in her carriage when an assassin shoots at her from the roadside. Her new husband Albert, with whom she's just had an argument, leaps in front of her and is hit by a second bullet, which leads to a touching reconciliation at the hospital.

It looked too neat to be true, and when I went to the history books (well, the internet, to be precise) I found that although there was an assassination attempt in 1840, neither Albert nor Victoria was hit by either bullet. A fine dramatic ending if it were a work of fiction, but for me, the implausibility marred the film.

In the case of Mao's Last Dancer, I really did go to a book - Li Cunxin's autobiography, on which the film is based - to check if I had been tricked. I was worried about a scene where Li is about to go on stage in Houston (after defecting to America) but is told to wait until "some VIPs" arrive. Finally the VIPs take their seats and the ballet begins. As he dances, Li realizes the VIPs are his parents, whom he hasn't seen for six years. Apparently some generous soul has arranged to fly them from China to surprise him. At the end of the ballet they join him on stage, amid cheers and tears.

I didn't see how this surprise would have been possible. It would have been a huge diplomatic and bureaucratic process, which must have required Li's involvement.

It reminded me of the final moment of A Beautiful Mind, in which the schizophrenic mathematician John Nash (played by Russell Crowe) is receiving a Nobel Prize. He sees his wife in the audience and directs his speech to her: "I have made the most important discovery of my career, the most important discovery of my life: It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reasons can be found. I'm only here tonight because of you. You are the reason I am. You are all my reasons."

Lovely speech. Never happened. Winners of those sorts of Nobel prizes don't get to give speeches. But without that dramatic resolution, would A Beautiful Mind have won four Oscars and earned $19.5 million at the Australian box office?

Hollywood marketing wisdom dictates that a biopic must end with the hero acclaimed by a worshipful crowd, justifying his painful journey and lifting the hearts of the cinema audience. That looks to be the strategy with Mao's Last Dancer. But life wasn't quite like that. In the book, Li talks about how he arranged his parents visit, and how they came to see him in his dressing room at interval. For me, the manipulated drama made the film unsatisfying.

A couple of years ago I was talking to Jan Sardi, who wrote the script of Mao's Last Dancer, about the issue of accuracy in films. He'd been Oscar-nominated for the screenplay of Shine (which made $10.2 million in 1996), but copped some criticism for taking liberties with details about David Helfgott's life.

"Your first duty is to hold the audience," Sardi told me. "It's absurd to think you can distil a life into two hours. You have to approach it the way you would an invented story or piece of fiction." That means the writer must rework events and people to create "the essentials of good drama: conflict and resolution, cause and effect, with one scene giving rise to another".

"In Shine, we showed David collapsing on stage in London," Sardi said. "He never did that. He had a nervous breakdown over 12 months. But how do you show that on screen? The collapse was our metaphor - a heightened reality so that the audience get the idea within a movie's time constraints."

Sardi calls this sort of thing "finding the poem in the life". He likes a line from Picasso: "A painting is a lie that makes us realise the truth."

But a lie only works on a naive audience. Today's cinemagoers can spot a formula a mile away and are not eager to suspend disbelief. Maybe we've become too savvy.

Go to Comments to discuss how far you'd let a dramatist stretch the truth.

Australia's most successful movies
1 Crocodile Dundee (1986), box office total $48 million
2 Australia (2008) $37 million
3 Babe (1995), $37 million
4 Happy Feet (2006) $32 million
5 Moulin Rouge (2001), $28 million
6 Crocodile Dundee II (1988), $25 million
7 Strictly Ballroom (1992), $22 million
8 The Dish (2000), $18 million
9 The Man from Snowy River (1982), $17 million
10 Muriel's Wedding (1994), $16 million
11 The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert (1994), $16 million
12 Mao's Last Dancer (2009) $13 million
13 Young Einstein (1988), $13 million
14 Lantana (2001), $12 million
15 Gallipoli (1981), $12 million
16 The Wog Boy (2000), $11 million
17 The Piano (1993), $11 million
18 Mad Max 2 (1981), $11 million
19 The Castle (1997), $10 million
20 Shine (1996), $10 million

• by David Dale at 08:41 AM
• Comments (9)

The Tribal Mind: A long felt want or surplus to requirements

To judge if Australia is a land of jocks or aesthetes, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
WHEN an organisation offers a new product to the public, usually that's because it has noticed a need, found a gap in the market, or identified an audience that is not being served by previous offerings. I'm currently stumped by the appearance in the marketplace of two new commercial television stations, and I am crying out to the heavens: Where's the gap? Who the hell needs GO! and 7TWO?

Last week the ABC announced the launch date of a new channel devoted to children's programs, because it thinks there's a pile of parents who want to be able to park their kids in front of the box for a couple of hours a day without turning them into fast-food hyperactives. A few weeks earlier Channel Ten launched an all-sports channel because it thought there were people for whom too much footy and too much cricket are never enough, and who love anything that involves competition, whether it's paintball, game fishing, poker or tiddlywinks.

So it's easy to guess the intended audience for ABC3 and for ONE. But it's more difficult to identify the market gap being filled by GO!, Channel Nine's recent spinoff, and 7TWO, Channel Seven's soon-to-start spinoff. Both new stations are essentially collections of repeats and flops -- or, as they might express it, classics and cult favourites. GO! offers Hogan's Heroes, The Nanny, Bewitched, Vampire Diaries, Moonlight and Fringe. 7TWO promises Magnum PI, Home and Away The Early Years, Murphy Brown, Lost, Heroes and 24 (and promotes itself with imagery from the 1972 election campaign).

My best guess is that GO! and 7TWO are both targeting two niches - young geeks and old farts, or viewers aged 16-39 and viewers aged over 55. While Seven and Nine compete for the middle-aged (viewers aged 25-54) and Ten concentrates on GenX (18-49s), the digital spinoffs seem designed for demographics hitherto serviced mainly by the ABC and by Pay TV.

Lets look at how the niches currently consume TV ...

Most watched by Kids (under 12):
1 Ben and Holly's Little Kingdom (ABC)
2 Jibber Jabber (ABC)
3 The Simpsons (10)
4 Dorothy the Dinosaur (ABC)
5 Two and a Half Men (9)
6 The Land Before Time (ABC)
7 Ruby Gloom (ABC)
8 Fifi and the Flowertots (ABC)
9 Celebrity MasterChef (10)
10 Glee (10).

Most watched by Oldies (over 55):
1 Midsomer Murders (ABC)
2 Hope Springs (ABC)
3 Seven news
4 ABC news
5 The Bill (ABC)
6 Border Security (7)
7 Today Tonight (7)
8 Packed to the Rafters (7)
9 Taggart (ABC)
10 The Force (7).

Most watched by Groovers: (16-39):
1 Packed to the Rafters (7)
2 The Simpsons (10)
3 Celebrity MasterChef (10)
4 Flash Forward (7)
5 The Big Bang Theory (9)
6 Two and a Half Men (9)
7 Glee (10)
8 Beauty and the Geek (7)
9 NCIS (10)
10 The Force (7).

A glance at the first list demonstrates the need for the ABC's new children's network. It's not so much that it lacks those icons of our nation The Wiggles and Bananas in Pyjamas. Some parents will be more alarmed to learn that 170,000 primary schoolers regularly watch Two and a Half Men, which is about male sexual disfunction, and Glee, which covers premature ejaculation and teenage pregnancy. They will be relieved at the prospect of alternative programming for youngsters at 7pm and 7.30pm.

But nothing in those charts suggests a crying need for the offerings of GO! and 7TWO. My theory is that they were created simply to aggravate the Pay TV industry, giving the young geeks and the old farts a reason not to subscribe to Foxtel, which has been booming in recent years.

By copying the Pay formula, Seven and Nine demonstrate that modern programming is not so much about a gap in the market as about a dog in the manger.

Go to Comments to discuss if the commercial digitals are filling any genuine need.

• by David Dale at 06:31 PM
• Comments (6)

The Tribal Mind: The day the music lived again

by David Dale
MY GOODNESS, it's 1969 all over again. Johnny Farnham and Liza Minelli are touring the country; The Flintstones and The Jetsons are rating on television; NASA has managed to land a rocket on the moon; the Beatles have had three albums in the top 50 chart for most of this month; and Australian troops are stuck in the middle of a civil war in a faraway land.

But the main way the Noughties replicate the Sixties is in our compulsion to fill our heads with song. The Bureau of Statistics put out a report this week on "Australian Culture" (please don't make the oxymoron joke) which showed that we spend $665 million a year on recorded music and $291 million a year going to musical performances.

The Australian Record Industry Association (ARIA) reports that in the first six months of this year, Australians bought 12.8 million physical albums (on CD, vinyl, cassette and DVD) and 974,000 digital albums. We bought 339,600 physical singles and 16.7 million digital tracks.

Early this decade the music industry looked to be going down the toilet, but in the end, it simply changed the way it delivered the sounds to our brains. In the first half of 2009 Australians bought 12 per cent more music than in the first half of 2008.

So we're still addicted to the stuff. But enough about quantity. Lets talk about quality, and the key question: Is the music as good in 2009 as it was in 1969? Lets compare Australia's music buying behaviour in each year, via the charts below. The 69 charts were dominated by the Beatles, The Stones and Russell Morris and musicals such as Hair, Oliver, The Sound of Music and Funny Girl. The 09 charts are dominated by Pink, Taylor Swift, Lily Allen and The Black Eyed Peas.

Apart from the musicals, most of the successes of 69 involved rock, with an emphasis on guitar (Eric Clapton played solos on two of the top 25 singles and three of the top 25 albums). Most of this year's successes are pop, with an emphasis on power ballads and tragic lyrics (Taylor Swift sobs "I was begging you please don't go" in the singles chart and "it's killing me to see you go" and "one second it was perfect, now you're halfway out the door" in the album chart). You might speculate that a higher proportion of music buyers in this decade are female.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. But there does seem to be a uniformity in the 09 charts that wasn't apparent in the 69 charts. Back then it seemed less about producers working to a formula and more about bands giving it a go. So I'm going to rise above journalistic objectivity and declare it:

The music of 1969 is much more interesting than the music of 2009. The Black Eyed Peas and Taylor Swift may be talented, but do we seriously imagine anybody will be listening to them in 2049?

Go to Comments to make the case for the sounds of the Sixties or the noise of the Noughties.

Top Singles of 69
1 Something/ Come Together (The Beatles)
2 Honky Tonk Women (The Rolling Stones)
3 Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da/ While My Guitar Gently Weeps (The Beatles)
4 The Real Thing (Russell Morris)
5 Suspicious Minds (Elvis Presley)

Top Singles of 09
1 Love Story (Taylor Swift)
2 I Gotta Feeling (Black Eyed Peas)
3 Boom Boom Pow (Black Eyed Peas)
4 Right Round (Flo Rida)
5 Halo (Beyonce)

Top selling albums of 69
1 Hair (Broadway musical)
2 The White Album (The Beatles)
3 Abbey Road (The Beatles)
4 Oliver (film soundtrack)
5 The Graduate (Simon and Garfunkel)
6 Nashville Skyline (Bob Dylan)
7 Switched-on Bach (Walter Carlos)
8 The Sound of Music (film soundtrack)
9 Blood Sweat and Tears (Blood, Sweat and Tears)
10 At San Quentin (Johnny Cash)
11 Funny GIrl (Soundtrack)
12 This Is (Tom Jones)
13 Fool on the Hill (Sergio Mendes)
14 Flaming Star (Elvis Presley)
15 Camelot (Soundtrack)
16 Greatest Hits (Donovan)
17 TCB (The Supremes and the Temptations)
18 Blind Faith (Blind Faith)

Top selling albums of 09
1 Funhouse (P!nk)
2 Only By The Night (Kings of Leon)
3 It's Not Me, It's You (Lily Allen)
4 Fearless (Taylor Swift)
5 Essential (Michael Jackson)
6 Twilight (film soundtrack)
7 The E.N.D (Black Eyed Peas)
8 The Fame (Lady Gaga)
9 I am ... Sasha Fierce (Beyonce)
10 Relapse (Eminem)
11 #1s (Michael Jackson)
12 State of the Heart (Hilltop Hoods)
13 Hannah Montana: The Movie (Miley Cyrus)
14 Dark Horse (Nickelback)
15 21st Century Breakdown (Green Day)
16 Rockferry (Duffy)
17 No Line on the Horizon (U2)
18 Viva La Vida (Coldplay)
Sources: The Kent Report and ARIA.

• by David Dale at 05:53 PM
• Comments (14)

The Tribal Mind: What's the BIG idea?

To discuss the reliability of opinion polls, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
ONE DOOR closes, another opens. Just as the citizens of Ballina, on the NSW north coast, are planning to dismantle their Big Prawn, the citizens of Ulladulla, on the NSW south coast, are debating whether to erect a Big Marlin.

"This will put us on the map," say some Ulladullans, echoing a sentiment that must have been expressed time and again in towns all around Australia. "This will make us a laughing stock," say other Ulladullans, echoing a sentiment expressed somewhat less often, if we're to judge by the number of Bigs that have popped up across this continent in the past 30 years.

On the map or laughing stock -- either result is fine, I say. They should just go for it. To back away would be an insult to Australian culture.

I'm poking my nose into this local dispute because I'm a connoisseur of Bigs, going out of my way to see them whenever I travel and always delighted by the spectacle, even when they are monuments to dagginess -- like the Big Turd ... sorry, Potato, at Robertson, NSW.

These are the ones I've seen so far, in order of awesomeness: 1 the Big Lobster, Kingston, South Australia; 2 the Big Bull, Wauchope, NSW (sadly now dismantled) 3 the Big Pineapple, Gympie, Qld; 4 the Big Merino, Goulburn; 5 the Big Guitar, Tamworth; 6 the Big Trout, Adaminaby; 7 the Big Banana, Coffs Harbour; 8 the Big Pelican, Noosa, Qld; 9 The Big Goldpanner, Bathurst; 10 the Big Oyster, Taree.

My dream is to see before I die the Big Murray Cod at Tocumwal - which the photos suggest is a spotty green and white masterpiece. But doubtless it will be surpassed by the Big Marlin. The Milton Ulladulla Times predicts that "the big fish would be at least one metre larger than Australia's current biggest icon", but does not say what the record holder is.

In these decisions, size is all that matters. Which tends to support the theory that for a town, the urge to erect a Big Thing is the equivalent of the urge to buy a red sports car on the part of a man with a small penis. It bespeaks an inferiority complex. The Milton Ulladulla Times anticipates that kind of scepticism in its front page report on the debate, which is headed "Big Fish: Icon Or Eyesore?" It quotes Shoalhaven City Councillor, Robert Miller, thus: "It was a bit of a joke at first, but - who knows - it could be just what the town needs ... It is the most promising idea I've heard that can turn around the fortunes of Ulladulla."

It's good to live in hope. But if I can make a small criticism, Ulladulla's concept seems unfocussed, a throwback to the 20th century. I think it's time for Australia to embark on a new generation of bigs, to move on from wildlife to human symbolism. Here are a few thoughts to get you started:

How about the Big Asylum Seeker, to be erected on Christmas Island, off Western Australia? The Big Biffologist, near one of the Brisbane motels where NRL players go to celebrate victories (and no, he would not have his pants round its ankles). The Big Shooter, to be erected in Lygon Street, Melbourne (modelled on Carl Williams, to inspire tourists attracted by Underbelly). In the Melbourne CBD, the Big Banker. In Sydney's West, the Big Bikie. At Cronulla beach, The Big Rioter. Outside NSW Parliament, the Big Richo.

Go to Comments to add your Big ideas. And when your town council proposes to build a Big Thing, here's one thought to cling to: At Least It Isn't a Monorail.

• by David Dale at 04:08 PM
• Comments (8)

The Tribal Mind: Hip to be square

by David Dale
Two jaw-dropping moments in the recent Hey Hey It's Saturday Reunions were the final evidence for the case that daggy is the new black. You realise that a spectrum which used to stretch from cool at one end to daggy at the other has been bent into a circle when ...

An 11 year old boy demonstrates the many uses of Vegemite by smearing it over his chest as sunscreen, dobbing it under his arms as deodorant and rubbing it through his hair as styling gel. Then a stranger rushes up, scrapes paste off his body with a knife, spreads it on a bread roll and eats it. The boy wins top prize in the Red Faces segment. The show attracts 2.2 million viewers in the mainland capitals.

Five men wearing blackface and fuzzy-wuzzy wigs gyrate around while a sixth man in whiteface sings a Michael Jackson song. They come last in Red Faces and guest judge Harry Connick Jnr says he would never have agreed to be in the segment if he'd known they would put on something so demeaning about African-Americans. The show attracts 2.3 million viewers in the mainland capitals.

Australians believe Daryl Somers when he says he didn't see anything wrong with the blackface segment before it went to air, but now understands why Connick was offended. The mock-golliwogs were repeating an act they performed 20 years ago on the original Hey Hey It's Saturday. Somers failed to realise that social attitudes have changed in the intervening decades, because he's an idiot. But that's exactly why Australians have embraced Hey Hey in the past two weeks. The reunions took us back to a time when we didn't have to think about such inconvenient truths as racist stereotyping.

Dags may be silly some of the time and lame a lot of the time, but they are not cynical. What Australians love about dags is their innocent enthusiasm - a recurring theme in this nation's history. Innocent enthusiasm sent thousands of Australians up the cliffs at Gallipoli in 1915. It may have been a ridiculous battle strategy, but at least they had a go, and they died occupying the high moral ground.

It was innocent enthusiasm that took a tap-dancing knife thrower named Paul Hogan into a talent quest which led to comedy routines on A Current Affair and then to a hit series in which he and his business partner John Cornell made dagginess an art form.

It was the innocent enthusiasm of Sharon Strzelecki in Kath and Kim that caused Magda Szubanski to be regularly voted Australia's best known and most liked personality in the Q-Scores survey (until she was replaced this year by Hugh Jackman). And it was innocent enthusiasm that kept Australia's Funniest Home Videos on top of the Saturday night charts for year after year. So why would anyone be surprised by the success of Hey Hey?

Great moments in Australian dagophilia
1 Hey Hey It's Saturday Reunion tops the ratings two weeks in a row (2009)
2 The Castle sells 2 million tickets (1997)
3 Gosford housewife Julie Goodwin wins MasterChef and pulls a record 3.7 million viewers (2009)
4 Magda Szubanski is rated Australia's most liked person in the Q-scores survey (2005-2008)
5 All Aussie Adventures attracts 2.1 million viewers (2002)
6 The Norman Gunston Show moves from the ABC to Channel Seven and tops the ratings (1975-79)
7 Muriel's Wedding sells 4 million tickets (1994)
8 The Paul Hogan Show tops the ratings (1973-1984)
9 Casey Donovan's victory in Australian Idol draws a record 3.3 million viewers (2004)
10. Fish-and-chippie Regina Bird wins Big Brother and attracts 2.3 million viewers (2003)

In 21st century television, the opposite end of the spectrum from dagginess is not coolness - it's cynical exploitation. Which brings us to Celebrity MasterChef. The version of MasterChef that went to air earlier this year was a model of innocent enthusiasm - both from the contestants and the judges. The current spinoff has moved some distance from that end of the spectrum. The contestants know how to play to an audience. And the judges know how to make money, raising serious credibility issues by puffing products in every commercial break. It might look to some viewers as if some opinions can be bought.

No wonder Australians turn to a show in which what you see is what you get. Hey Hey may be stupid and self indulgent and sentimental and childish and offensive. But it's not cynical. Long live the dag in all of us.

To nominate your favourite dag moments, go to Comments

• by David Dale at 06:58 AM
• Comments (9)

The Tribal Mind: The one they haven't thought of

by David Dale
It looks as if Foxtel has pulled the rug from under Channel Seven with its launch of 12 new channels and a system for legally downloading shows to home computers. Foxtel was exploiting Seven's failure to announce how it plans to program the new channel it must introduce to counteract Nine's digital station GO.

By unveiling stations devoted to whodunits (13th Street), revheads (Turbo MAX), personal grooming (LifeStyle YOU and The Style Network), wholesomeness (Family Movie Channel), animals (Nat Geo Wild), and children whose parents don't want them to see advertising (on the eve of the ABC's launch of its new kids' channel), Foxtel hasn't left much wiggle room. Seven can't introduce anything similar without being accused of plagiarism.

Fear not, Seven. This column's readers are riding to your rescue. Two weeks ago we asked for ideas on creating the perfect television channel for the late Noughties. Here's a sampling of the responses ...

A reader who wishes to be known as d@gp suggested a 24 hour Horror Channel: "Frankenstein, Dracula, Wolfman, Invisible Man, Mummy, Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi, Lon Chaney Sr & Jr, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon".

Newtaste suggested a 24 Hour Koch channel: "David Koch attaches a camera to his head so viewers can follow his exciting life as a 4th-rate celebrity".

Matt suggested a nonstop nostalgia channel called 2000 to 1: "Chain Bert Newton to the studio floor with only three meals a day from Patty -- part infotainment, part reality TV (Survivor) and part Celebrity MasterChef".

Ozpuck suggested an Australian history channel: "Hear Kochie talk about the economic circumstances leading to the Great Depression! Watch Home and Away starlets re-enact the crossing of the Blue Mountains! See Pixie-Ann Wheatley interview the Don! Watch Norman Gunston on the steps of Parliament House on 11 November 1975 ... And have All Aussie Adventures as the theme tune".

Nick suggested the All-Ontime channel: "where programs actually start at the advertised time".

Dragonlass suggested a user-made content channel: "There are loads of people out there making amateur or semi-professional films and documentaries etc. Allow viewers to vote on what they like." Our big prizewinners were:

YASMIN -- The Second Chance Channel A collection of series - lets not call them failures -- prematurely axed by the commercial networks. Matt says Seven "would have to buy the smouldering remains from other networks, but considering they are all dead and never to see the light of day, it should get them cheap. Possible lineup could include Hole In The Wall, Doug Mulray, Big Brother, Taken Out, Australian Princess, The Perfect Couple, Joey. Soon to be added by 2010 - The Spearman Experiment, The 7pm Project, Australian Idol." Seven could include its own comedy triumph Let Loose Live, which managed two episodes - a record equalled by Hugh Jackman's only known imperfection, Viva Laughlin.

Plus the glorious collection illustrated at left: Kath and Kim USA, Monster House and My Kid's A Star.

7beta - A station programmed for Seven by the ABC Darren recommends "news that reports the news and doesn't wallow in celebrity minutae and doesn't sensationalise every little thing that happens; interesting movies that don't star Reese Witherspoon, Sandra Bullock, Ashton Kutcher, Meg Ryan, Hugh Grant ... actually anyone called Hugh; showing a series (any series) through an entire season in a single timeslot without skipping an episode or repeating or doubling up or fast-tracking."

That's plenty of inspiration to help Seven transcend Foxtel's trickery. You can read all the proposals, and add more, by clicking here.

• by David Dale at 10:43 AM

The Tribal Mind: You can look but you better not touch

To discuss if Flash Forward is a flash in the pan, go to the daily update.

by David Dale
EVERYBODY loves a happy ending, so lets start today's column with one: Yay, we did it. What a team we make, you and I. Four weeks ago this column urged readers to go out and see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, in order to prevent Australia being shamed in the eyes of the world (click here to read that). At that point Harry was lagging behind Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen in box office takings, and it seemed Hollywood had zombified our young people into preferring non-stop explosions to the archetypal storytelling ingredients of plot, character, and emotional engagement.

We are proud to report that on Wednesday Harry left the multiplexes with total ticket sales of $40.3 million, making it the ninth highest grossing film of all time in Australia and putting it ahead of the Trannies, who totalled $40.2 million. In other words, 3,357,000 Australians saw Harry and 3,351,000 saw the Trannies. Thanks to 6,000 cinephiles for making our nation look less stupid.

ANOTHER kind of happy ending provoked an avalanche of complaint this week about Australia's most watched TV series, Packed to the Rafters. You realize how much society has changed when a show designed to be watched by the whole family, from primary schoolers to grandmothers, devotes a plotline to the theme of masturbation - and not just teenage fumblings, but self-indulgence by a mature married man (pictured below with wife). They don't call this decade The Noughties for nothing.

No doubt you're inclined to blame the 1998 film There's Something About Mary for this collapse of public standards over a formerly taboo topic, but I think the culprit can be found elsewhere.

Mary's most famous scene involved Cameron Diaz arriving at Ben Stiller's door and noticing a blob of white stuff on his ear. He tells her it's gel, so she scoops it off and runs it through her hair, creating a spectacular quiff. But it was actually the result of Stiller's efforts to relieve his tension before a Big Date.

Mary's writers were following a train of thought that started with a 1993 Seinfeld episode called "The Contest", in which the four heroes competed to see how long each could remain "master of my domain" (resistant to frustration). Appearing on mainstream US television without complaint, it launched an increasingly relaxed public conversation. In a recent episode of The United States of Tara, Toni Collette found her husband masturbating in the shower, and apologized for intruding upon his "gentleman's time".

But Mary, Seinfeld and Tara are adult entertainments, of little interest to people under 15. It was a different story with Friends, which attracted 2.3 million viewers in the mainland capitals when it showed at 7pm on Monday nights. In 2003, research by The Tribal Mind found the programs most watched by Australians aged 5 to 15 were The Simpsons and Friends, which that year featured an episode called "The One With The Sharks". Monica came home unexpectedly and found her boyfriend Chandler masturbating. He'd barely had time to change the TV channel from the porno he was watching to a documentary about sharks, which Monica then assumed must be his secret sexual obsession.

If a family sitcom from conservative America in 2003 could treat masturbation so casually, you can understand why the writers of an Australian dramedy in 2009 might imagine they'd get away with a similarly frivolous approach.

Go to Comments to offer other examples and tell us what you make of the Rafters reverberations.

• by David Dale at 04:57 PM
• Comments (5)

The Tribal Mind: Finally, your chance to fix everything

To offer your recipe for Australia's National Dish, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
Stop your bitching and moaning about the dire state of commercial television, and address yourself to this challenge: If you had to program a new channel, what kind of shows would you put on?

That's Channel Seven's dilemma at the moment, as it realises that Channel Nine's second station, called GO, is distracting enough viewers from Seven to give Nine the biggest audience share for the week. Seven needs to retaliate with its own station that will pull viewers from other networks without cannibalising Seven's existing fan base. But this requires a leap of the imagination that has so far eluded most Australian network moguls.

We're here to help. This column's readers have proved themselves to be both imaginative and generous, and we know they will jump at the chance to be Programming God For A Day. This column hereby launches the "Lets Create The Perfect Channel" project -- no idea too outlandish.

Seven has given no hint about the content or even the timing of its planned new station. We know it won't be sport, because Ten has done that with ONE; it won't be nostalgia, because Nine does that with GO!; and it won't be 48-hours-later replays, because nobody needs that. Four rumours flourish:

An all movie channel Seven has few deals in place with US movie studios, so it would need to buy rights from other networks to avoid excessive repetition of such stockpiled items as Pretty Woman, True Lies, Jurassic Park, Mrs Doubtfire, Four Weddings and a Funeral and Finding Nemo. But don't let budgetary issues limit you. Tell us which movies you'd put in high rotation on your new channel.

An all comedy channel Seven is better endowed for this option - it owns such classics as Fast Forward, Fawlty Towers, The Naked Vicar Show, Kath and Kim, Acropolis Now, Will and Grace, The Norman Gunston Show and Hey Dad, plus American quirk it has shown late at night, such as 30 Rock, Family Guy, My Name is Earl, Ugly Betty, American Dad and Scrubs, plus recent failures such as TV Burp and Doubletake. What laughmakers would you add?

An all crime channel Again, Seven is well endowed with ancient treasures. It may not have the CSI, NCIS or Law and Order franchises, but it has 12 years of Homicide and Blue Heelers, Cop Shop, Jack The Ripper, Heartbeat, JAG, Australia's Most Wanted, and, most recently Criminal Minds, 24, Bones and City Homicide. Where might you source more mayhem?

An all Aussie channel Did we mention 12 years of Homicide and Blue Heelers? And these icons showed on Seven: A Country Practice, All Saints, Against The Wind, Home and Away, Skyways, Kingswood Country, A Town Like Alice, Sons and Daughters, All The Rivers Run and Always Greener. What else would pull in the patriots?

Perhaps there's a new approach nobody has thought of yet -- all-soap, all-miniseries, all-medicine, all-lifestyle, all-Lotto, all-dancing, all-Mel-and-Kochie? If anyone can do this kind of lateral thinking, you can. In addition to the satisfaction of setting Australian popular culture to rights, the most creative suggestions will win the last unremaindered copies of this column's small book called Who We Are - A snapshot of Australia today.

To offer your solution, go to Comments. Seven will be soooo grateful.

• by David Dale at 11:54 AM
• Comments (35)

The Tribal Mind: Imagination vs Vegetation

To learn how Skippy brainwashed Australia, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
Here's an anomaly: Australians love science fiction at the cinema, and hate it on television. As usual, this column has a theory. It's to do with the different ways Australians are using different media to satisfy different needs, as they move from the Noughties to the decade we'll come to call the Teens. First, the evidence ...

If you examine the 50 movies that sold the most tickets in the past 50 years, you find that more than half the list (although topped by The Sound of Music, Crocodile Dundee and Titanic) can be classified as sci fi/ fantasy.

Our favourites were the Lord of the Rings trilogy, E.T., the Star Wars series, Jurassic Park, Independence Day, The Sixth Sense, the Harry Potter series, the Indiana Jones series, several iterations of Batman, Superman and Spiderman, and a couple of Transformers (I didn't say they were all good, just that they were popular).

Even in the past month, the biggest hits at the cinema have been speculative thrillers - District 9 and Inglourious Basterds (which is a war movie set in an alternative universe, and that's all I can say without revealing a plot detail).

But if you look at the 50 most watched drama series on television over the past 50 years, you're hard pressed to find any sci fi at all. The list is dominated by cops and doctors (the likes of Homicide, CSI, Underbelly, Blue Heelers, Water Rats, Division 4, NCIS, Midsomer Murders, Grey's Anatomy, House, E .R., All Saints, and A Country Practice).

The highest rating fantasy series of all time in Australia was Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman in the mid 90s, but that was more of a romantic comedy. The first few episodes of Lost in 2005 and Heroes in 2006 attracted nearly 2 million viewers in the mainland capitals, but by this year both had dropped below 200,000 - similar to the slide suffered by The X-Files in the 1990s.

The latest incarnation of Dr Who pulled 1 million viewers last year, which delighted the ABC but didn't break any audience records. Classics such as Buffy, Battlestar Galactica, Farscape, The Prisoner and the mutations of Star Trek and StarGate were cult favourites but never mass drawcards.

In the past month, the most watched sci fi shows on the box have been Fringe on GO with 117,000 viewers, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles on GO with 114,000, Torchwood on ABC2 with 89,000, and Dollhouse on Fox8 with 70,000.

So why the difference? It's the age of multitasking. These days most of us watch TV with half an eye and a quarter of a brain, simultaneously sending text messages, surfing the net, eating a pizza, holding two cyber-conversations and one real one, and doing our homework.

When that becomes too much, we use television to turn off our mind, relax and float downstream. We want to lay down all thought, surrender to the void. Neither multitasking nor veging-out is conducive to the appreciation of science fiction, which requires concentration, imagination and intellectual engagement.

With cinema, we have committed to travelling, queueing up, and sitting in the dark for two hours focussed on just one activity. We look forward to stretching our attention spans. We expect to be stimulated and challenged, so engagement leads to escapism. And a science fiction epic, more than any other kind of movie, satisfies those expectations. It's the necessary antidote to television.

Go to Comments to discuss this theory and nominate the science fiction everyone ought to see -- on the box or at the flicks.

• by David Dale at 05:48 AM
• Comments (19)

The Tribal Mind: Are you smarter than a TV star?

To learn how Skippy brainwashed Australia, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
SOME people are clearly more intelligent than the job they've been given to do. I'm thinking of Lisa Wilkinson as co-host of Today; Andrew Denton or Shaun Micallef when they hosted the Logies; Gretel Killeen when she was host of Big Brother; Tracy Grimshaw as host of A Current Affair; and Sarah Wilson as presenter of MasterChef. Watching them perform their roles with patience and professionalism, you know they are capable of greater things.

Then there are people who are clearly less intelligent than the job they are given. Examples:

Jennifer Hawkins as presenter on The Great Outdoors;
Eddie McGuire when he was chief executive of Channel Nine;
Joe Hockey as Shadow Treasurer;
Jackie O as straightman to Kyle Sandilands (or whatever it is that she does);
Richard Wilkins interviewing most singers and actors;
Nathan Rees as Premier;
Sandra Sully doing anything other than read the news;
Lara Bingle in any role that requires talking.

All give the impression of being slightly out of their depth (although I may be mistaken in my estimate of Lara Bingle's IQ -- earlier this year she got coverage for a twitter comment in which she said of herself: "Hahaha I am such a retart". She seems to have invented a clever portmanteau word to describe a person who is simultaneously dimwitted and flirtatious. Unless it was a spelling error.)

This column was once seated at a dinner party next to a successful actress who has often portrayed highly intelligent women. It became apparent she was unlike her characters. Without a script, she had nothing interesting to say. Acting, it seems, does not require a high IQ, merely an ability to repeat the dialogue of people smarter than yourself.

In total contrast was Julia Gillard's appearance last week on Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?. Most Australians assume that Gillard is just intelligent enough to perform the roles of education minister, industrial relations minister and deputy prime minister, which, I'd estimate, requires an IQ of around 130. Her performance on 5th Grader suggested she might score over 150.

Contestants on that show usually take a random guess when they don't know the answer. Gillard thought she could figure it out, and gave us a glimpse into the workings of a very precise mind.

Asked if the speed of sound was 1200 kph, 2200 kph or 3600 kph, she reflected that some planes are capable of breaking the sound barrier, and it seems unlikely that a plane could travel as fast as 2200 or 3600 kph, so 1200 is the most likely answer. Asked if the earth rotates towards the east or towards the west, she reflected that New Zealand is two hours ahead of us, and is to the east of us, which must mean we are rotating towards the sun, which rises in the east. Such impeccable logic earned $20,000 for Gillard's charity in the first week, and brought her back a second time to display more of it, along with a self-deprecating sense of humour.

Gillard's colleagues won't thank her for setting this precedent. She has given voters a scary new tool for judging their elected representatives.

Intelligence is not an essential quality for a TV personality. It may even be a hindrance. But for a politician whose decisions affect the lives of millions, it is vital. From now on, forget those tedious televised debates before each election. Every candidate will instead be required to take a turn against the 10 year olds on Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? .

Go to comments to suggest how other pollies might perform.

Footnote: Two weeks ago this column urged readers to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, to ensure it sold more tickets than Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (Go to How not to look stupid for background). As of September 9, the totals were Harry $40.0 million, Trannies $40.2m. Another 20,000 Harry visits will save us from being shamed in the eyes of the world.
Meanwhile, cinemagoers are proving the Trannies were just a school holiday aberration by embracing Inglourious Basterds ($9m in 3 weeks) and District 9 ($7m in 4 weeks). If we don't manage to get Harry over the line, we may find some consolation in the possibility that IB and D9 will pass the $11.5m earned by The Ugly Truth. And the Paul Hogan/ Shane Jacobson comedy Charlie and Boots had the best opening for any Australian film this year -- $1.2m in its first week. Anybody want to offer a recommendation?

• by David Dale at 04:28 PM
• Comments (11)

The Tribal Mind: We're a page right out of history

For David Dale's daily update on Australian attitudes, bookmark blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare

Bloody Australians. You offer them a whole new world of choice in entertainment, and what do they go for? The Flintstones, The Jetsons, Survivor, Doctor Who, Mr Bean and people playing poker. Those are among the most watched shows on the digital channels that have suddenly popped into existence on our TV screens. Australia's response to the new abundance is not so much "back to the future" as "forward to the past".

Mind you, this week's enthusiasm for The Flintstones and The Jetsons may be based on scholarly curiosity rather than simple nostalgia. In the 1960s, The Jetsons predicted what Western society would be like in the 21st century: robot maids, flying cars, food pills, videophones and interplanetary tourism, while The Flintstones demonstrates what life will be like if we don't do something about climate change.

What no forecaster anticipated was a proliferation of media outlets combined with a massive shortage of imagination, causing a network such as Channel Nine to fill the schedule of its new station with programs that have already been regularly repeated on free to air and Pay TV.

This week the ratings agency, OzTAM, reported for the first time on audience figures for Nine's new digital offshoot GO! (the exclamation mark is part of its official title).

On Sunday GO! attracted 2.8 per cent of the prime time audience. Nine got terribly excited and put out a press release headed "GO! Makes History As Australia's Most Successful Multi-Channel Launch". It quoted Nine's CEO, David Gyngell, thus: "Viewers have embraced the channel and what it has to offer, and to be recording this sort of outcome within a couple of weeks of our soft launch is very good news for Australian television and the PBL Media Group."

By mid week, this was looking like a case of premature expostulation. GO! settled down to 1.6 per cent - close to the share gained by ABC2 and by the top Pay channel, Fox 8. Here's what the neophiliacs of the digital age were watching ...

The hits of GO!: The Big Bang Theory rpt 204,000 in the mainland capitals; Wipeout 169,000; The Flintstones rpt 131,000; Survivor: Gabon 127,000; The Nanny rpt 123,000; Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles rpt 107,000; The Jetsons rpt 99,000.

The hits of ABC2: Scrapheap Challenge 123,000; Doctor Who: The Runaway Bride rpt 115,000; Wire in the Blood USA 113,000; Mr Bean rpt 85,000; The Beast 85,000.

The hits of ONE (Channel Ten's sports station): One Week at a Time 98,000; UFC Wired 82,000; FIA Formula One World Championship 65,000; Poker: Latin American Tour 51,000.

The hits of SBSTWO: The Elegant Universe rpt 61,000; Blokes and Sheds 35,000; Nathalie rpt 32,000; Dreamship Surprise rpt 23,000.

The hits of Fox8: America's Next Top Model 146,000; The Simpsons rpt 142,000; Family Guy rpt 126,000; Futurama rpt 119,000; Dollhouse 71,000.

So the top show across the multiverse is a repeat of an American sitcom that started on Nine last year. The only hits which are not repeats are a game show and a reality show that flopped when tried out on Nine (Wipeout and Survivor) and two American cop shows that are too grim for mainstream TV (Wire in the Blood USA and The Beast).

It would seem that in their viewing choices, Australians are the modern stone age family. Go to Comments to discuss whether TV has got better or just bigger.

• by David Dale at 01:12 AM
• Comments (7)

The Tribal Mind: How not to look stupid

To learn how Kevin Rudd tortured an Australian icon, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
It's up to you. This week you can choose to make a difference, and redeem Australia's reputation as a nation of discerning cinemagoers. Or you can stand idly by and let us be shamed in the eyes of the world as a nation whose young people have been zombified by the Hollywood entertainment machine, losing the archetypal human appreciation of the fundamentals of storytelling -- plot, character development, emotional diversity and intellectual engagement.

For the most part, the list of Australia's favourite movies so far this year speaks well of our taste, but there's trouble at the top, and that's where you come in.

The highest-grossing movies of 2009:
1 Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen $40.1 million
2 Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince $38.5m
3 Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs $30m
4 Twilight $22m
5 The Hangover $21m
6 Monsters Vs Aliens $20.5m
7 Slumdog Millionaire $20m
8 Wolverine $18.5m
9 Angels and Demons $18m
10 Night At The Museum 2 $17m.

If we allow this situation to stand, history will record that Australia's most seen movie of 2009 was a collection of explosions. Possibly we could live with that, if it was only one year. But the deeper problem becomes apparent in this chart.

The highest grossing movies of all time:
1 Titanic (1997) $58 million
2 Shrek 2 (2004) $50m
3 The Return of the King (2003) $49m
4 Crocodile Dundee (1986) $48m
5 Fellowship of the Ring (2001) $47m
6 The Two Towers (2002) $46m
7 The Dark Knight (2008) $46m
8 Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (2001) $42m
9 Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace (1999) $40m
10 Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009) $40m.

Do we want a film made for (and apparently by) 11 year old boys to be part of Australia's all-time top ten, when spending three hours out of the house this week could change history? It's bad enough that Star Wars Ep I (featuring Jar Jar Binks) appears in the list, but we can excuse that with the argument that fans were curious to see if George Lucas could sustain the commitment to classical storytelling that energised the original Star Wars trilogy (he couldn't).

Let me background you. From the time when everybody sat around the campfire at the end of a hard day's hunting and gathering, humans have responded to tales which involve plot twists, engaging characters and emotional highs and lows. You laugh, you cry, you empathise, you wonder, you think ahead of the game. None of those things happens with Transformers 2. All you do is jump. The director has adopted George Bush's policy of "shock and awe", which may help in speeding the descent of testicles in pubescent boys, but does little for the rest of us. So why is it so successful? Because in recent years Hollywood has managed to convince young cinemagoers to expect nothing more from storytelling.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince has sharply defined characters, suspense, jokes, emotional development and intriguing plotlines -- the essential ingredients of a classic tale. Yet its ticket sales are $1.5 million behind Transformers 2. Here's where you come in. HPHBP is still showing in most multiplexes. If another 150,000 people go to see it, they'll lift Harry's box office total past the $40 million mark and push Transformers 2 out of the top ten. And we'll have no reason to be embarrassed.

Yes, you understood me correctly. I'm asking you to rort the figures that display Australia's tastes. You go to HPHBP (for the first, second or third time) and make it look as if Australians prefer a well-crafted film with intellectual integrity to a three hour avalanche of special effects.

It wouldn't really be cheating -- just a levelling of the playing field, since Transformers 2 had the advantage of being shown through the entire school holidays. So its success is an unfair portrait of national preferences. If we were really that stupid, we'd have been equally keen on GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra, but it looks like totalling less than $15 million at the Australian box office.

This is not to suggest HPHBP is perfect. For anyone who has not read the book, it's downright confusing in places. It's nowhere near as powerful as The Dark Knight. That's why you should not go back so many times that its total ends up passing $45 million. Twice should be enough.

Go to Comments to offer your support.

• by David Dale at 08:57 AM
• Comments (13)

The Tribal Mind: Faces that sell and repel

For daily updates on how Australians entertain themselves, bookmark blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

by David Dale
Lets call it The Paltrow Paradox. Gwyneth Paltrow is a smart, attractive, accomplished woman. At the same time Gwyneth Paltrow is regarded by US publishers as a giant turnoff for readers. You might say she is America's Nicole Kidman, who is alleged to provoke the same reaction in her compatriots.

Paltrow's image crisis was revealed last month when Entertainment Weekly magazine published a cover story on the stars of the forthcoming sequel to Iron Man. It displayed Robert Downey Jr, Scarlett Johansson and Mickey Rourke, but not even a glimpse of Paltrow, who plays Iron Man's assistant Pepper Potts. The New York Post asked Entertainment Weekly why she was absent, and reported that "rightly or wrongly, the editors feel any cover with Paltrow is newsstand suicide." Apparently Americans, particularly female Americans, find her annoying.

Women's Wear Daily followed up this insight by listing who was on the cover of the worst-selling issues of the main glossies over the past year. The faces that sank a thousand ships were: Rachel Weisz (Vogue, which revealed that Paltrow had been on its second-worst seller), Nicole Kidman (Glamour), Jessica Simpson (Cosmopolitan), Katherine Heigl (Vanity Fair), Carrie Underwood (Elle), Hilary Swank (W), Anne Hathaway (InStyle), Drew Barrymore (Harper's Bazaar) and Jennifer Connolly (Marie Claire).

(By contrast, America's top selling cover faces included Keira Knightley, Angelina Jolie, Eva Longoria, Scarlett Johansson, Victoria Beckham and "the women of Sex and the City".)

The editors of Australia's magazines are notoriously reluctant to reveal their worst selling issues, so we are left to speculate that over the past 12 months, Paltrow, Heigl and Kidman must have appeared often on New Idea, Woman's Day and NW.

Those were the big losers among the weeklies in sales figures released this week by the Audit Bureau of Circulations. Since mid 2008, New Idea has lost 26,000 buyers, Woman's Day has lost 23,000, and NW has lost 15,000.

Or is poor choice of cover images too shallow an explanation for the collapse of Australia's glossies and gossipies? Instead we might need to raise the C word as the possible problem here - as in Credibility. In March, New Idea ran a cover which purported to show Bec Hewitt (former soap star and current tennis wife) with the "new man in her life". New Idea has since admitted that it made a huge mistake, because the man in the picture was actually Hewitt's brother. The magazine seems to have taken the word of a paparazzo.

New Idea is not alone among weeklies in taking such a casual approach to fact-checking, and it would be nice to interpret the figures as meaning readers are punishing their former favourites for constantly deceiving them. But that might be wishful thinking -- in the same year that New Idea lost its 26,000 fans, another weekly called Famous gained 13,000 buyers (bringing it to 80,000 a week) and a new gossipy called Grazia entered the market, selling 66,000 a week. So it seems many Australians have not been able to give up their weekly wallow in scandal.

Lets look more closely at the changes in Australia's reading habits over the 12 months to June 30 ...

Australia's favourite magazines:
1 Women's Weekly 491,500 a month
2 Woman's Day 408,000 a week
3 Better Homes and Gardens 370,000 a month
4 New Idea 325,000 a week
5 Readers Digest 325,000 a month
6 That's Life! 302,000 a week
7 Super Food Ideas 271,000 a month
8 Take 5 246,000 a week
9 TV Week 224,000 a week
10 Cosmopolitan 166,000 a month
11 Australian Geographic 141,000 a month
12 NW 140,000 a week

The biggest losers: Cleo, NW, New Idea, Super Food Ideas, Good Taste, Alpha.

The biggest improvers: Famous, Better Homes and Gardens, Dolly, Shop Till You Drop, Notebook, Time Australia.

Can you discern a pattern? Go to Comments to offer your theory on what it means, and to tell us whose face would make you buy or avoid a magazine

• by David Dale at 03:47 PM
• Comments (8)

The Tribal Mind: Don't blame poor Kyle and Mal

To find out how to abolish State Governments, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
Kyle Sandilands is the Malcolm Turnbull of entertainment. Malcolm Turnbull is the Kyle Sandilands of politics. Both are so on the nose they are perceived to taint any brand they are associated with, which makes it impossible for them to perform their functions (opposition leader and shock jock).

Both are being held to unprecedentedly high standards of behaviour, because both are victims of a change in national sentiment. If this was 2001, they'd be winners. But Australians are leaving this decade in a very different mood from the way they entered it.

Back in 2001, a British producer named Simon Cowell helped to create a talent quest format called Pop Idol (which was soon franchised as American Idol and Australian Idol). Idol's appeal was its mixture of sadism and inspiration. Before being voted on by viewers, would-be singers were analysed by a panel of judges who fitted three archetypes -- The Bitchy One, The Waffly One and The Kindly One (usually a woman). Cowell was the prototype Bitchy One. In the Australian version, his clone was a music producer named Ian Dickson. Dicko's putdowns were not as witty as Cowell's, but he had a capacity for self-mockery that tempered his shredding of the contestants.

Australian Idol was Australia's most watched series of 2003 -- the same year Mark "Headkicker" Latham was riding high in the opinion polls as Opposition leader. The Waffly/ Kindly/ Bitchy formula was repeated in a host of other talent quests, and it worked a treat for Dancing With The Stars and Australia's Got Talent. In 2005 Dicko left Idol, and The Bitchy One became the radio jock Kyle Sandilands. He replaced Dicko's brutal humour with raw aggression.

Sandilands resembles Latham (and Turnbull) in apparently having no capacity for self-criticism, but this was not a problem while TV and radio audiences enjoyed macho competitiveness as part of their entertainment.

Now we come to 2009, The Year of Living Lovingly. Seven weeks ago, this column quoted a perceptive reader named Wazza, who had sent in this comment about MasterChef: "I much prefer to watch something constructive and which builds people's self esteem rather than something that is destructive and tears people down. I'm glad they aren't going down the road of 'Game on, molls!' bitchfighting of Big Brother. That is soooo 2006."

Part of MasterChef's success seemed to derive from replacing the Waffly/ Kindly/ Bitchy judging formula with Practical/ Kindly/ Eccentric. This column remarked: "Judging by TV tastes, the economic crisis seems to have put Australians in the mood for constructive cooperation and gentle generosity. If so, this is not a good time to be Malcolm Turnbull."

As it turns out, this is also not a good time to be Kyle Sandilands. The stunt which led to his removal from his radio show and from Idol -- getting a 14 year old to discuss her sexual experiences -- was premised on sadism. Sandilands further failed to read the national mood when he offered excuses instead of apologies -- just like Malcolm Turnbull, when he responded to revelations about Godwin Grech.

Does this mean Australia at the end of the Noughties prefers opposition leaders who do not attack and shock jocks who do not offend? Sandilands and Turnbull are entitled to ask: "You hired us to go in boots-and-all and suddenly everyone is wearing woollen socks. What do you want from us?" We might reply: "Well, it would help if you'd just shut up for a while."

Go to Comments to tell them what you want.

• by David Dale at 10:55 AM
• Comments (11)

The Who We Are update: Week 30

This week's forum is now a heritage item - worth studying but no longer current. For the latest on Australian attitudes and media trends, go to blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

To learn why Kyle and Malcolm are victims of social change, go to The Tribal Mind.
To find out how to abolish State Governments, go to Who We Are.

The ratings race, updated 10 am Monday
After a strong start, thanks to Meryl Streep and Shaun Micallef, it's back to business as usual for Channel Ten -- or no-business-as-usual, to be precise -- now that its 7pm drawcard has vanished. The week ended with the prime time audience shares thus: Seven 28.7 per cent, Nine 23.8, Ten 21.5, ABC 17.1, SBS 8.9 (thanks entirely to cricket).

Time for your prediction: how will Australian Idol go this year? Will the removal of Kyle lift its popularity, or had it passed its prime in any case? Go to Comments to predict Idol's Sunday night audience over the next three weeks.

This was Pay TV's account of itself for the week: "194,000 viewers saw the Australian cricket team take the ascendancy in the fourth Ashes Test on Saturday night in Live: Cricket: Ashes: Day 2 Session 1 on FOX Sports. On Monday night football 317,000 people viewed Live: NRL Wests Tigers v Sea Eagles, the Sunday afternoon Aussie Rules game, Live: AFL West Coast v Essendon was seen by 191,000 people and 93,000 subscribers watched the 2009/10 A-League season kick off with Live: Football: A-League Melb v C Coast (all on FOX Sports).

"This week's episode of America's Next Top Model on FOX8 was watched by 152,000 viewers (a record for the season so far), the Sunday night broadcast of NCIS on TV1 was seen by 142,000 people and Wednesday night's Deadliest Catch on Discovery Channel was watched by 108,000 people. S.W.A.T. premiered on TV1 with 97,000 viewers, Dora the Explorer on Nick Jr. had its best audience of the year with 88,000 viewers and Law & Order on W was seen by 86,000 people.

"In week 32, STV channels represented 21.7% of all metropolitan viewing between 6am and midnight, 20.9% of all regional viewing and 56.8% of all viewing in subscription TV homes."

Just for a change, what viewers aged 16-39 watched, week ending August 8
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 TALKIN' 'BOUT YOUR GENERATION Ten 593,000 187,000 190,000 97,000 55,000 65,000
2 THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA RPT Ten 562,000 147,000 191,000 100,000 63,000 62,000
3 PACKED TO THE RAFTERS Seven 549,000 168,000 183,000 89,000 40,000 69,000
4 SPICKS AND SPECKS ABC1 513,000 133,000 168,000 101,000 58,000 52,000
5 THE SIMPSONS WED Ten 488,000 129,000 174,000 91,000 54,000 39,000
6 TWO AND A HALF MEN Nine 477,000 121,000 140,000 106,000 55,000 56,000
7 GOOD NEWS WEEK Ten 474,000 122,000 142,000 85,000 65,000 60,000
8 THE ALL NEW SIMPSONS WED Ten 457,000 102,000 167,000 94,000 42,000 51,000
9 WORLD'S STRICTEST PARENTS Seven 440,000 130,000 112,000 92,000 51,000 55,000
10 MIRACLE OF THE HUDSON PLANE CRASH Seven 409,000 128,000 114,000 75,000 35,000 57,000
11 THE BIG BANG THEORY Nine 405,000 101,000 123,000 90,000 40,000 51,000
12 ERAGON Ten 401,000 127,000 116,000 70,000 43,000 44,000
13 RUSH Ten 393,000 95,000 165,000 63,000 32,000 37,000
14 SEVEN NEWS - SUN Seven 391,000 82,000 142,000 84,000 33,000 48,000
15 UNITED STATES OF TARA ABC1 382,000 102,000 111,000 71,000 47,000 52,000

• by David Dale at 09:25 AM
• Comments (87)

The Tribal Mind: How to save satire for the next generation

To find out why we need to abolish State Governments, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
We like to laugh in this country, and in particular, we like to laugh at ourselves. That's why satire has been one of the most successful genres in 54 years of television, and why last Wednesday was such a sad day, because it contained the final episode of The Chaser's War on Everything, that glorious celebration of our healthiest national trait, the tall poppy syndrome.

But lets not dwell on the void this will leave in our lives. After all, there's plenty of other satire on the box right now. Channel Seven offers Double Take and TV Burp and Ten offers The 7pm Project every weeknight. Not cheered up yet? Well, there's also the first item on this list ...

Australia's smartest satires of all time
1 John Clarke and Brian Dawe within The 7.30 Report (ABC)
2 Frontline (ABC, 1994-97)
3 The Chaser's election coverage and the War on Everything (ABC, 2001-09)
4 The Games (ABC, 1998-2000)
5 The Gillies Report (ABC, 1984-85)
6 The Mavis Bramston Show (Seven, 1964-68)
7 Newstopia (SBS, 2007-08)
8 The Hollowmen (ABC, 2008)
9 Life Support (SBS, 2006-07)
10 The Norman Gunston Show (ABC, Seven, 1975-79 and 1993)

This column has long argued that John Clarke, whose work appears twice on that list, is the single best reason for Australia to amalgamate with New Zealand. We would then be able to declare him a living national treasure, along with his only serious rival for the post of Australia's Court Jester, Shaun Micallef.

Clarke and Dawe have been presenting their deadpan dialogues, in which Clarke channels pompous politicians, for 20 years now, first on A Current Affair and now on The 7.30 Report. A recent exchange began like this ...

Dawe: Mr Turnbull, thanks for your time.
Clarke: Good evening Bryan, and can I just complain firstly that as I entered the building this evening, I was searched by some jumped-up clown in the foyer who wanted to know if I had explosives attached and was I going to self-destruct on ABC premises.
Dawe: Well clearly you're not.
Clarke: Well it's bloody ridiculous. The man should resign."

Compare that with an exchange last Tuesday on The 7pm Project, when host Charlie Pickering asked entertainment commentator Ruby Rose to report on the Helpmann (theatre) awards. She talked about how she had to change into her ballgown in a car on the way there. Host Dave Hughes asked: "What does happen at the Helpmann awards?" Rose replied: "I didn't know what it was but Cate Blanchett was there, so it must have been pretty important."

Rose has apparently decided to present herself an egocentric scatterbrain, which is a risky self-marketing strategy. She may be beautiful enough to survive the taint of association with failure, but Hughes and Pickering don't have glamour on their side. Hughes is under unfair pressure to come up with witty punchlines for every news item.

Hughes wrote this message on Twitter last week: "Personally I need to chill, everytime I spoke I thought I was ruining my career." He could be right. The audience in the mainland capitals dropped from 1.2 million on the opening night to 701,000 last Wednesday. Industry observers are betting on when Ten will replace 7PP with The Simpsons or Friends or the remaining episodes of Yasmin's Getting Married.

I have a helpful suggestion. Why not absorb the successful game show Talkin' 'Bout Your Generation into The 7pm Project? Put Shaun Micallef in charge, spinning out the kind of topical gags he made on Newstopia, and turn Hughes and Pickering into occasional guests, along with Chas Licciardello, Julia Zemiro, Tom Gleisner, Annabel Crabb and John Clarke.

As for Ruby Rose, she can be the barrel girl.

Go to Comments to offer your suggestions.

• by David Dale at 10:33 AM
• Comments (10)

The Tribal Mind: Lets cut the crap about MasterChef

To find out how to become a republic and absorb New Zealand, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
The phrase "of all time" was thrown around a lot last week, in relation to the final episode of the TV series MasterChef. Some radio stations were calling it the most-watched non-sports program of all time. The Daily Telegraph described the final cook-off as "the third most watched program of all time, behind Channel 7's coverage of the men's Australian Open tennis final between Lleyton Hewitt and Marat Safin in 2005 (4.04 million) and the Australia versus England 2003 rugby World Cup final (4.02 million)."

This nonsense was repeated in The Sunday Telegraph, which described the final as "the third highest rating program ever". Channel Ten more modestly asserted in a press release that "MasterChef Australia: The Winner Announced is TEN's highest rating show since OzTAM ratings began".

Time for a reality check. Based on its sample of 3,000 households, OzTAM estimated that 3.74 million people in the mainland capitals (where the potential TV audience is 13 million) watched the last 40 minutes of MasterChef. This made it the third most watched program of the decade -- unless you think the decade began in 2000, when 6 million in the mainland capitals watched the opening and closing of the Olympics and a swim by Ian Thorpe and a run by Cathy Freeman. The MasterChef winner announcement would be the seventh most watched event in a decade that included 2000. But "of all time" is a different story.

OzTAM ratings began officially in 2001. Before that, the audience measurement company was ACNielsen. If we look at Nielsen's measurements since 1965 (when Channel Ten opened for business), we get another impression of MasterChef's place in the record books...

Australia's most watched non-sporting TV programs of all time
1 Funeral of Diana Spencer, 1997
2 Wedding of Charles and Diana, 1981
3 The World of the Seekers, 1968
4 The Sound of Music first TV showing, 1977
5 Roots miniseries, 1977
6 The landing on the moon, 1969
7 Royal Charity Concert, 1980
8 Holocaust miniseries, 1978
9 Raiders of the Lost Ark first TV showing, 1985
10 Great Moscow Circus, 1971
11 Homicide, 1971
12 Against The Wind miniseries, 1978
13 Bodyline miniseries, 1984
14 Star Wars first TV showing, 1982
15 MasterChef winner announced, 2009.

How did we make this educated guess? Before 1990, ratings were reported only for Sydney and Melbourne, and were expressed as a percentage of households that owned a TV set. So we had to turn the MasterChef ratings into a comparable figure. At 9.30 last Sunday night, 32 per cent of households in Sydney and 41 per cent in Melbourne watched Julie and Poh get hugged by their families.

Compare that with the day in 1981 when 75 per cent of homes in Sydney and 82 per cent in Melbourne watched the wedding of Charles Windsor and Diana Spencer (on four channels). Or 1997, when 79 per cent of sets in Sydney and 79 per cent in Melbourne were tuned to Diana's funeral (on four channels).

Or the first time The Sound of Music was shown on television (12 years after it was first in cinemas), when 57 per cent of homes in Melbourne and 52 per cent in Sydney made it the most watched film ever shown on television (before or since).

Or the period in 1971 when, week after week, 52 per cent in Melbourne and 43 per cent in Sydney followed the trilby-hatted detectives in Homicide. Or the day in 1969 when 47 per cent in Sydney and 57 per cent in Melbourne (plus uncounted thousands in schools, pubs, cafes, and hospitals) saw humans walk on the moon. (That same year, a boxing match between Lionel Rose and Alan Rudkin was watched by 67 per cent in Melbourne and 47 per cent in Sydney - the most watched single channel broadcast "of all time" until the Olympics in 2000).

What do we learn from this? That some media do not do their homework, and that in the 21st century, TV programs rarely unite the nation the way they used to. On Sunday, while 3.7 million were watching MasterChef, 3.5 million were watching other things on television, and 6 million people in the mainland capitals had found better entertainments elsewhere. Much as I enjoyed Poh's perfomance, I find that revelation about Australian culture encouraging.

Go to Comments to discuss how Australia has changed. Go to The TV shows Australia loved for more details on the other big shows of the 21st and 20th century. And please, if you were one of the millions who watched this show called Royal Charity Concert in 1980, tell us what was so great about it.

• by David Dale at 05:11 PM
• Comments (7)

The Who We Are update: Week 29

This week's forum is now a heritage item - worth studying but no longer current. For the latest on Australian attitudes and media trends, go to blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
To learn the about Australia's favourite TV shows of all time (and MasterChef ain't one of them), go to The Tribal Mind.
To find out how to become a republic and absorb New Zealand, go to Who We Are.

The ratings race, updated 10 am Monday
Thursdays and Fridays are always slow nights, so the sudden slump of The 7pm Project (down from 1.28 million on Monday to 656,000 on Friday) should induce only moderate panic at Channel Ten. It's still doing well with the 16-39s (who go out on Fridays). But if 7PP fails to recover this Monday and Tuesday, Ten will hear Yasmin calling, and the axeman will arrive with his friends The Simpsons. (Unless Ten puts Australian Idol on every weeknight at 7 -- could anybody stand that much Sandilands?)

Seven will be delighted with the 1.5 million result for Airways and World's Strictest Parents but nervous about its new Thursday comedies. Double Take and the marginally less embarrassing TV Burp got a million viewers each. That's nowhere near the Yasmintude of The Perfect Couple or True Beauty, but Seven will be sweating on its OzTAM data next Friday.

Nine started the week with an act of sheer stupidity - putting its $200,000 backpacker up against the final of MasterChef -- and continued at this level with a launch followed by an axing of Dance Your Ass Off. This was the final result of a ratings week that started stunningly for Ten: Seven 27.3 per cent of the prime time audience, Ten 25.0, Nine 23.4, ABC 16.5, and SBS 7.8.

And this was Pay TV's account of itself: "In week 30, Disney Channel's contemporary take on the Prince and the Pauper story, The Princess Protection Program, premiered with 157,000 viewers. On Arena, The Debbie Rowe Interview detailed life with the former King of Pop Michael Jackson to 87,000 people. America's Next Top Model on FOX8 was watched by 142,000 people, NCIS on TV1 was seen by 141,000 viewers and Project Runway Australia on Arena continued to grow with a season-to-date best audience of 106,000 viewers.

"Without a Trace on W had its best result of the year watched by 86,000, Dora's Fairytale Adventure on Nick Jr. was watched by a 2009 high of 85,000 people and the movie Get Smart premiered on Movie One with 83,00 people.

"On FOX Sports, Live: NRL Eels v Storm had 306,000 viewers, Live: AFL St Kilda v Adelaide was watched by 257,000 people and, as the second Ashes test drew to a close, 214,000 people watched Live: Cricket: Ashes: Day 5 Session 1. This week, Live: AFL Pre Game Show was seen by 116,000 subscribers, Live: Golf: British Open Final Round Part 1 was watched by 79,000 (both on FOX Sports) and Sky Raceday on Sky Racing was seen by 71,000 people.

"In week 30, STV channels represented 21.5% of all metropolitan viewing between 6am and midnight, 21.1% of all regional viewing and 57.0% of all viewing in subscription TV homes."

What Australia watched, week ending July 25
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 MASTERCHEF AUSTRALIA - WINNER ANNOUNCED Ten 3,726,000 999,000 1,278,000 615,000 383,000 452,000 (and to learn why this is NOT a record, go to The Tribal Mind)
2 MASTERCHEF AUSTRALIA - FINALE NIGHT Ten 3,293,000 863,000 1,172,000 556,000 323,000 378,000
3 PACKED TO THE RAFTERS Seven 1,857,000 519,000 586,000 344,000 197,000 211,000
4 SEVEN NEWS - SUN Seven 1,713,000 410,000 465,000 408,000 200,000 230,000
5 TALKIN' 'BOUT YOUR GENERATION Ten 1,585,000 472,000 472,000 284,000 148,000 210,000
6 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,562,000 452,000 391,000 330,000 173,000 216,000
7 AIR WAYS Seven 1,549,000 395,000 467,000 312,000 176,000 198,000
8 WORLD'S STRICTEST PARENTS Seven 1,540,000 432,000 439,000 297,000 175,000 197,000

• by David Dale at 01:41 PM
• Comments (118)

The Tribal Mind: Bring on the binge

To find out why drinking Australia's favourite wine is an act of treachery, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
It's all downhill from here. MasterChef finished last Sunday (having transformed Australia into a nation of foodies) and Desperate Housewives finishes this Monday (having kept Channel Seven alive against the onslaught of Underbelly). Then the TV bus goes over the cliff.

On Tuesday, Channel Nine launched an American series called Dance Your Ass Off, signalling the desperation that will inspire programming for the rest of 2009. It's not about waltzing with donkeys, but a blend of The Biggest Loser and So You Think You Can Dance.

After a surprisingly interesting first half, which brought hundreds of thousands back to mainstream television, the networks have reached the bottom of the barrel. The 15 million Australians who do not have access to Pay TV are in for a pretty dry spring.

But 19 million Australians have access to a DVD player, which empowers them to take control of their entertainment destiny. The best television is not on TV -- it's on disc. We can become our own programmers.

Boxed sets of shows ignored or maltreated by the networks now occupy as much space as movies on the shelves of DVD stores. Take a bunch of them home, cook one of the feasts you saw on MasterChef, carry it on a tray to the TV room, and prepare to binge.

Here are some bingeworthies I found on a tour of DVD stores last week ...

The Wire It starts as a police procedural about a squad that taps phones used by drug dealers, but turns into a study of corruption and decay in a city that could easily be Sydney. Initially you'll have trouble with the Baltimore street slang, but, like the cops, you'll pick it up on the job. The best news for lovers of suspense is that the first four seasons are on special for $20 each (at JB Hi-Fi in the Strand Arcade).

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles Sadly, the smartest sci-fi series of the decade has just been cancelled in the US, but on disc, Season One will cost you $33 and the even-better Season Two will be out soon. The recent film was crap, but the TV show takes the best ideas from the first two movies and becomes a character study of a hot mother and a hotter robot.

30 Rock Channel Seven has been showing Tina Fey's screwball satire on the TV industry at 11.30 pm. Non-insomniacs can now buy the first two seasons at $20 each.

State of Play The British miniseries about political dirty tricks, which is much better than the Russell Crowe film it inspired, is on special for $16.

True Blood Season One of this scary and sexy tale of vampire lust in the Louisiana swamps costs $30.

Curb Your Enthusiasm Larry David, the writer of Seinfeld, plays an obnoxious version of himself in this scathing sitcom which Channel Nine used to show at midnight. Each of its six seasons costs $38.

The West Wing Everything Obama has been doing this year was foreshadowed five years ago in this series about a perfect president and his hyperactive advisers. Currently each of its seven seasons costs $76, but it regularly goes on special, so check the bargain bins after you've finished with The Wire. Since you've read this far, you're probably the kind of person who has already seen The West Wing, but it's worth a third binge.

Then there's all seven seasons of fast-talking Gilmore Girls as a box set for $215, four seasons of foulmouthed Entourage at $38 each, two seasons of sweetly murderous Dexter at $45 each, two seasons of weird Weeds at $20 each, Season One of intense In Treatment at $70, Season One of operatic Damages at $16, and much much more to see you through till February. Go to Comments to add your recommendations.

• by David Dale at 06:48 AM
• Comments (31)

The Tribal Mind: Nothing succeeds like excess

To discuss whether Australians are too dumb to function in the 21st century, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
The stupidest blockbuster ever made. The lamest movie ever to earn $300 million. The most critically panned smash hit in history. Proof that the majority of moviegoers are morons, or that the number of 11 year old boys in the world has been seriously underestimated. The best evidence yet that civilization is on the toboggan.

The contender for all those titles has been seen so far by 3 million people in Australia, and is on the way to replacing The Dark Knight as our highest grossing movie of the past five years. The Dark Knight was both entertaining and thought-provoking, its success an inspiring example of the sophistication of 21st century cinemagoers. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is big and loud, and there's not nearly enough of Megan Fox to compensate for its monotony. Its success offers a different image of 21st century cinemagoers.

But is it that much worse than most of the blockbusters Hollywood has shovelled onto us in the past two decades? Consider this list ...

Movie moneymakers that seriously sucked:
1 Matrix Revolutions
2 Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (the one with Jar Jar Binks)
3 Godzilla (the 1998 version)
4 Pearl Harbour
5 Batman and Robin (the one with George Clooney)
6 Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
7 Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
8 Van Helsing
9 Armageddon
10 Spider-Man 3.

America's best known movie critic, Roger Ebert, would put Transformers 2 at the top of that list. He has launched a crusade to convince Hollywood that the madness must end. Ebert describes Transformers 2 as "a horrible experience of unbearable length, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments". Britain's critics agree with him. "A giant, lumbering idiot of a movie," said The Daily Mirror. "Like watching paint dry while getting hit over the head with a frying pan," said The Guardian. "Sums up everything that is most tedious, crass and despicable about modern Hollywood", said The Daily Mail.

Ebert singles out this film because it's a tipping point in modern moviemaking. "The day will come when Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen will be studied in film classes and shown at cult film festivals," he writes. "It will be seen, in retrospect, as marking the end of an era. Of course there will be many more CGI-based action epics, but never again one this bloated, excessive, incomprehensible, long (149 minutes) or expensive (more than $US200 million).

"Like the dinosaurs," says Ebert, "the species has grown too big to survive, and will be wiped out in a cataclysmic event, replaced by more compact, durable forms."

So how come Australians, who are neither idiots nor masochists, spent $30 million in the past two weeks going to see this film? I offer two theories:

Scholarly motives. We were curious to see how bad a movie could be. It is encouraging that takings dropped 54 per cent on the second weekend. If a film is getting good word of mouth, takings usually drop by 30 per cent or less. Having gone along to examine excess, Australians told their friends not to bother.

Patriotic motives. Two Australians are prominent in T2 - Isabel Lucas, a former soap starlet who plays a stick-thin university student with a secret, and Hugo Weaving, who voices a pile of spare parts called Megatron. Perhaps we're going along to ease their embarrassment at being forced by poverty to appear in such a shlocker.

Go to Comments to offer your theory on why we watch the worst blockbusters of all time.

• by David Dale at 10:18 AM
• Comments (18)

The Tribal Mind: Busting the box's big myths

To determine what is Australia's National Snack, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
TIME for another reality check. Network television, like printed newspapers, was supposed to be dead by now. We were meant to be getting all our news and entertainment from computers, DVDs, portable players and mobile phones.

In fact, as this column revealed recently, sales of weekly and daily papers are declining at less than 2 percent a year, which hardly suggests an imminent demise. Is television an equally stubborn survivor? Now that we have the audience data for the first half of 2009, we're in a position to do a postmortem on the still-kicking corpse. Lets address some conventional wisdoms.

Australians are losing interest in mainstream television. This is sort of true. In the first half of 2003, an average of 3.91 million people in the mainland capitals watched free TV between 6pm and midnight. This year, the figure was 3.6 million - a drop of 8 per cent. If you consider only viewers aged 16 to 39, the drop over six years was 17 per cent. It's even more worrying for the networks when you realize that Australia's population rose by a million people over that period.

BUT (and it's a big but, which is why I wrote it in capital letters) over the same period the average prime time audience for Pay TV stations rose by 60 per cent. So in total, Australians are watching about as much TV now as they were six years ago. Which makes the conventional wisdom sort of false as well.

Channel Nine is fighting back. False. Its average prime time audience this year is down 20 per cent on 2003 (and down 23 per cent with its target audience of people aged 25-54).

Channel Ten is soaring. Sort of true, if you look only at its share of the audience relative to the other free networks. In the first half of 2003, Ten had 22.6 per cent of the prime time audience, while Nine had 30.7 per cent and Seven had 25.6. This year, Ten has 23.3 per cent, Nine has 26.4 and Seven has 28.0.

But in terms of the actual number of viewers, Ten had an average of 859,000 during prime time in 2003, and now has 821,000, a drop of 5 per cent (and it's down 15 per cent with viewers 16-39).

Australians prefer US dramas and comedies to anything Australian. The last time this was true was in 2005, when we went crazy for Desperate Housewives, Lost and House. Since then, those shows have slumped. Look at this year's hits ...

Favourites of the first half (and who were the main viewers)
1 State of Origin matches 1 and 2 (mostly men aged 16-24 and 25-54)
2 Underbelly: A Tale of Two Cities (people 25-54)
3 The Biggest Loser final (people 5-15 and 16-24, women 25-54)
4 Packed To The Rafters (people 25-54)
5 The Logie Awards (people 25-54)
6 Seven news (people over 55)
7 Talkin' 'Bout Your Generation (people 5-15, 16-24, 25-54 )
8 Masterchef (people 5-15 and 25-54)
9 Twenty/20 Cricket Aus v NZ (men 25-54)
10 A Lion Called Christian (over 55)
11 Border Security (over 55)
12 Thank God You're Here (16-39)
13 NCIS (16-54)
15 Find My Family (over 55)
16 So You Think You Can Dance Australia (5-15, 16-39)
17 Merlin (5-15)
18 New Tricks (over 55)
19 Midsomer Murders (over 55)
20 The Simpsons (5-15).

So we've embraced Australian dramas, documentaries and talent quests, plus a couple of English dramas. Should that make us feel better about ourselves?

• by David Dale at 04:53 PM
• Comments (5)

The Tribal Mind: Better to fill the belly than cut the throat

To determine what is Australia's National Snack, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
Cooking is the new renovation. It's also the new black, the new rock 'n' roll, the new watercooler buzzword, the new evidence that Australians are cocooning and the new knife to the guts of Channel Nine, which was hoping it had been punished enough for decades of treating its viewers with contempt.

Before I continue, a confession is necessary: Two months ago, I was talking to a Channel Ten executive and he asked how I thought Masterchef would rate. At the time I'd only seen trailers, so I made this confident prediction: "It looks kind of old-fashioned. It will start with 1.4 million but it will be down to 800,000 within three weeks. You'll get an over-55 audience, which you don't want."

The Ten exec looked hurt: "If that happens, it's a disaster," he said. "We agree about the 1.4 million start, but we think it will stay above 1.2 million from then on." Masterchef did start with 1.4 million viewers in the mainland capitals, but that was the only bit of my prediction to come true. Three weeks later it was still at 1.4 million. And by last week it had risen to 1.8 million.

Viewers over 55 have zero interest in it (their favourite show is New Tricks), but it is number one with men and women aged 16-39 and 25-54. It's performing so strongly that Channel Ten has a chance of pushing Channel Nine to number three position in prime time audience share for the year.

What did sink to 800,000 was Channel Nine's renovation contest HomeMade. Nine made the wrong call. In the first half of last year, it thought cooking was the new black, because any series involving Gordon Ramsay was getting big numbers. Nine proceeded to kill that goose by stuffing Ramsay into every available slot. Then it decided that this year the new black would be renovation.

The psychology seemed sound -- when the economy shrinks and the world looks dangerous, Australians retreat to the comforts of home. In 2003, with the Bali bombings and September 11 still in their minds, Australians watched anything lifestylish, particularly a reno race called The Block. HomeMade is The Block downsized for the more modest budgets of today.

As it turned out, Masterchef had already filled the home comforts vacuum. A contributor to this column's online forum, who wishes to be known as Wazza, summed up its appeal: "How great is it that Masterchef is killing it in the ratings? I much prefer to watch something constructive and which builds people's self esteem rather than something that is destructive and tears people down. I'm glad they aren't going down the road of 'Game on, molls!' bitchfighting of Big Brother. That is soooo 2006. Looks like Channel 9 went down that well-beaten path with HomeMade and paid the price for it with a flop."

Judging by TV tastes, the economic crisis seems to have put Australians in the mood for constructive cooperation and gentle generosity. If so, this is not a good time to be Malcolm Turnbull.

Footnote: Last week I promised to talk about TV writers who insert Melanoma Moments in their dramas. I was referring to the story arc in Grey's Anatomy. I decided to wait and see if Izzy survives before assessing its significance.

• by David Dale at 04:55 PM
• Comments (14)

The Tribal Mind: The URST jump of your dreams

by David Dale
If you're a writer for television, there are three cardinal sins you commit at grave risk to your career: 1) you make your series jump the shark; 2) you resort to the dream excuse; and 3) you burst the URST (where URST stands for UnResolved Sexual Tension).

All three sins have been committed in the TV season which finishes next week (the season's end traditionally being marked by the final episode of Desperate Housewives). And this year a fourth writers' sin joined the list: giving your show a Melanoma Moment.

Jumping the shark means introducing a desperate gimmick to bring audiences back to a series that is likely to be axed -- as in, getting Fonzie to put on water skis and leap over a finny fish in a 1977 episode of Happy Days. A classic example is when the writers let off a bomb where the main characters are gathered, leaving viewers wondering who will survive to next season (a trick pioneered in 1974 by Number 96, already famous for its gay kiss and bare breasts). Last month, in the season final of Lost, an atomic bomb went off on the island, potentially altering history and killing half the characters. Perhaps they'll get out of it next season by saying "It was just Kate's dream - all the time travelling never happened and we're still stuck in 2005".

The most outrageous example of this trick happened in the 1980s series Dallas. A character called Bobby Ewing was killed off at the end of one season and brought back a year later with the explanation that the entire season had been a nightmare of his sweetheart Pam, who had apparently slept for 31 episodes.

No writers would have the nerve to do that again, would they? Well it happened in the final episode of the US version of Life On Mars last month. We thought the detective had been mysteriously shifted from the year 2008 to the year 1973 but it turned out he was an astronaut dreaming it all in suspended animation betwen earth and Mars in the year 2038. That was excusable given the series had been cancelled and the writers had to come up with a fast and final explanation.

There's no such excuse for the writers of House. In the latest season final, they too dragged out the old dream routine, except they didn't call it a dream, they called it a hallucination. No doubt their excuse was that it saved them from committing sin number three - bursting the URST.

For the last two seasons, House has been losing viewers, because it became repetitive. The only thing going for it has been the unresolved sexual tension between Greg House and his boss Lisa Cuddy.

URST has been a plot engine for many hits --
David and Maddie in Moonlighting
Laura and Diver Dan in SeaChange
Booth and Brennan in Bones
Niles and Daphne in Frasier
Elizabeth and Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice
the Doctor and Rose in Doctor Who
John and Cameron in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
Fran and Mr Sheffield in The Nanny
Blair and Chuck in Gossip Girl
Josh and Donna in The West Wing.
(Go to Comments to nominate other examples).

At a certain point in any series, the writers get bored with characters flirting and fighting, and put them in bed together, ending the suspense. The most notorious URST-burst happened in Lois and Clark in 1996. Joining the title characters killed not only the series but the careers of the lead actors. Teri Hatcher, who played Lois Lane, took nine years to find fame again (in Desperate Housewives). Dean Cain, who played Clark Kent, never has.

Clearly the House writers didn't want that fate, so they showed their hero seeming to get together with Cuddy, but ended the episode with him being admitted to a mental hospital for having imagined the whole thing. They didn't burst the URST, but they did draw on the dream, and in the process, they jumped the shark.

And we've run out of space to discuss the melanoma moment. Go to Comments to anticipate next week's discussion.

• by David Dale at 04:31 PM
• Comments (14)

The Tribal Mind: Shock to the top

To learn how Hollywood finally discovered Australia, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
YOU be the judge. Was The Chaser's much lamented satire on sentimental fundraisers significant enough to warrant a place in the top 20 list of Australia's Most Memorable Media Moments?

In favour of its inclusion is the fact that the ABC shut down The Chaser's War On Everything for two weeks and demoted the Head of TV Comedy for her failure to censor the sketch. Against its inclusion is the fact that it was not original. As Media Watch pointed out last Monday, the Chaser team copied a sketch from a show called The Mansion on Foxtel's Comedy Channel ("No trip to Disneyland for you, kid, but 50 per cent off your next set of prints from Photo Plus").

And if we were to place it in the all time top 20, that would give the Chaser team two gurnseys, because their 2007 APEC stunt already appears in number 13 spot. Not that there's a particular rule against any program double-dipping. Number 96 and Big Brother each make two appearances. But the over-representation issue is something to bear in mind as you ponder which of these shocking, stirring and inspiring incidents might be replaced by the Make-A-Wish sketch:

Australia's Most Memorable Media Moments
1 Prime Minister Bob Hawke cries as he confesses to being an alcoholic and an adulterer on Clive Robertson 's Newsworld (1989).
2 Graham Kennedy is banned from live television for doing crow imitations that start with an "f" (1975).
3 Joe Hasham performs TV's first gay kiss, at a time when homosexuality is a crime, on Number 96 (1974).
4 Steve Irwin holds his baby while feeding a crocodile (2004).
5 Offended by an item about kangaroo genitals, Channel Nine boss Kerry Packer pulls off Doug Mulray's Naughtiest Home Videos halfway through the first episode (1997).
6 Big Brother contestant Merlin protests detention of boat people by holding up a sign "Free th refugees" (2004).
7 Channel Ten toughens its censorship procedures after contestant John exposes his penis during Big Brother (2005).
8 A Current Affair host Tracey Grimshaw tells viewers she was "absolutely miserable" when she found out chef Gordon Ramsay had called her a lesbian and an "old ugly pig" (2009).
9 The Governor-General, Sir John Kerr, is drunk at the Melbourne Cup (1977).
10 Singer Normie Rowe and broadcaster Ron Casey fight over republicanism on The Midday Show (1991).
11 Ken Shorter puts his hand up Rowena Wallace's skirt in You Can't See Round Corners (1967)
12 A reporter resigns from Today Tonight after a story about a nursing home patient being kept in chains is revealed to be fictitious (2007).
13 The Chaser team show footage of their arrest for breaching security at the APEC summit (2007).
14 The Block features gay renovators (2003).
15 Richard Carleton drops dead while reporting from the Beaconsfield mine rescue site (2006).
16 Number 96 shows TV's first bare breasts (1973).
17 A Catholic bishop urges viewers to sell their Ampol shares as a protest against Ampol's sponsorship of The Mavis Bramston Show, which has satirised organised religion (1965).
18 Bandstand host Brian Henderson, 35, is revealed to be dating 16 year old Mardi Ozoux (1966). They marry when she turns 18.
19 60 Minutes pays former flight attendant Lisa Robertson $60,000 to tell the tale of her toilet tryst with actor Ralph Fiennes and her possible pregnancy (2007).
20 Mercedes Corby wins a defamation case against Today Tonight, which claimed she had smuggled marijuana (2008).

Go to Comments to suggest any other essentials for the Top 20, and where the latest Chaser fuss should go.

• by David Dale at 05:54 AM
• Comments (12)

The Tribal Mind: It's all fun and games

To learn what makes Australians sick, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
Now is the winter of our mass content. Undeterred by recession and swine flu, Australians are rushing to stimulate themselves in every conceivable way - at the cinema, on disc, via the handsets of their games machines, via the earphones of their music players, on the box, on the computer screen, and even via that most ancient of mediums, ink on paper.

Malcolm Turnbull can yell "Stop laughing, this is serious" as often as he likes -- we don't want to know. Over the past six weeks, more than a million people bought tickets to see each of these movies: Angels and Demons, Star Trek, Wolverine, Monsters Vs Aliens, Fast and Furious and Night at the Museum 2. On DVD, we've bought more than 100,000 copies of Twilight, Australia, and Slumdog Millionaire.

On TV, 2 million people a week watch Thank God You're Here, Talkin' 'Bout Your Generation, Masterchef, and (when there's no competing footy) Spicks and Specks and The Chaser's War on Everything. On our gameboxes we're playing Pokemon Platinum, UFC 2009 Undisputed, WiiFit, EaSports Active and GH Metallica.

And we're spending more than $40 million a month on recordings. The music industry was supposed to be bankrupt by now, but over the Noughties it morphed into a new shape. Nobody buys singles in physical form any more, but this year we've downloaded thousands of digital versions of Pokerface by Lady Gaga, So What by Pink, Single Ladies by Beyonce and Love Story by Taylor Swift.

And that quaint concept called "the album" is thriving. Last month the Australian Record Industry Assocation announced that I'm Not Dead by Pink had gone "10 platinum" (where "one platinum" means 70,000 copies distributed by the record company). These are the albums that have sold more than half a million copies this decade ...

The music Australians are hearing: Innocent Eyes, Delta Goodrem; 1, The Beatles; I'm Not Dead, Pink; The Sound of White, Missy Higgins; Only By the Night, Kings of Leon; Funhouse, Pink; Back to Bedlam, James Blunt; Get Born, Jet; Come Away With Me, Nora Jones; The Eminem Show, Eminem; Odyssey Number 5, Powderfinger. In addition, music DVDs are booming. These sold more than 150,000 since 2003 ...

The music Australians are seeing: Live in Australia, Andre Rieu; Hell Freezes Over, The Eagles; What We Did Last Summer, Robbie Williams; Delta, Delta Goodrem; Live from Wembley Arena, Pink; Number 1s, Michael Jackson; Pulse, Pink Floyd; Greatest Hits Live, Neil Diamond. You may question Australia's taste, but you can't doubt its eagerness to spend money on musical experiences.

Another entertainment industry that was supposed to be terminally ill, newspaper publishing, is enjoying the revelation that its death throes are so slow as to be unnoticeable. The latest report of the Audit Bureau of Circulations shows that over the 12 months to March, the sales of daily and weekly newspapers in this country declined by a massive one per cent. That puts Australia out of step with Britain and America, where total newspaper circulations this decade have been dropping by 6 per cent a year and publishers are in a panic to find a financial model that works online.

Every weekday, 2.2 million Australians buy a printed newspaper. On Saturdays, 3 million buy a paper. On Sundays, 3.3 million buy a paper. Dying? That doesn't even look like a mild case of flu.

Go to Comments to discuss if your amusements match the masses

• by David Dale at 06:06 AM
• Comments (3)

The Tribal Mind: The diary of all the Joneses

To learn what makes Australians sick, go to Who We Are.
by David Dale
Picture this column slapping its forehead and saying "D'oh". Last week we were talkin' 'bout how generations generate generalisations (Baby Boomers are selfish, GenXers are flighty,The iGen are celebrity-obsessed, etc), and blow me down if we didn't manage to leave out a whole age group. And not just any old age group, but the most important age group of all, at least in its own mind, because it contains every current political leader in the English speaking world.

We failed to mention Generation Jones (or, as we should call it in this country, Generation Rudbull). Numerous readers were quick to fill our generation gap (go here to read the column and the comments).

Background: You're familiar with the concept of "keeping up with the Joneses" - what we're all supposedly trying to do in this competitive consumerist culture. You may be less familiar with a piece of American jargon in which the noun is turned into a verb that means craving: "I'm jonesing for a drink" or "She's jonesing to see the new Star Trek movie".

From these usages comes a label for people born between 1955 and 1964 - a group which used to be lumped in with the Baby Boomers until they started their own independence movement.

Since music is essential in defining the spirit of a generation, it's important to note that while the Boomers had their first sexual experiences to the sound of The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, and Jimi Hendrix, the Joneses did it to Abba, Wings and Elton John. That alone is enough to establish their mindset as different from their older siblings.

The inventer of the term, American social analyst Jonathan Pontell, writes: "Generations arise from shared formative experiences, not head counts, and the two groups evolved with dramatic differences ... While the Boomers were out changing the world, Jonesers were still school kids -- wide-eyed, not tie-dyed. That intense love-peace-change-the-world zeitgeist stirred our impressionable hearts. We yearned to express our own voice ... Obama has The Jones. So do many of today's Western leaders. More than a quarter of all adults in many NATO and EU countries are Jonesers.

"Our size, age and influence across the board make us an irresistible force. Our non-ideological pragmatism allows us to resolve intra-Boomer skirmishes and to bridge that volatile Boomer-GenXer divide. We can lead. For Boomers, the legacy of the 1960s is ideology, but for Jonesers it is idealism." (Go here to read more of Pontell.)

Clearly, this is the master race, bestriding other generations like a colossus. We should be delighted that all the important decisions in this country - and all the arguments against those decisions -- are made by such demi-gods.

Last week this column analysed how the different generations watch television, finding that Gen X seemed obsessed with competitive dieting and cooking (The Biggest Loser and Masterchef) while Boomers were sentimental homebodies (A Lion Called Christian, Find My Family and Better Homes and Gardens).

These revelations caused some readers to lament that every group except The Pioneers (born before 1946 and fans of the Treasurer's budget speech) were lovers of "superficial drivel" and "prole-feed". Now that we've heard about the Joneses, we know they would not be so easily satisfied.

We asked our boffins to slice even more finely into the OzTAM audience data for April-May and examine the tastes of viewers aged between 45 and 54. This was the result ...

What Generation Rudbull watches: Underbelly; The Biggest Loser; Thank God You're Here; The Logie Awards; Seven News; NCIS; Talkin' 'Bout Your Generation; Australia's Got Talent.

The Joneses are much less interested than the boomers in Better Homes and Gardens, Find My Family, and Midsomer Murders. They are much less interested than Gen X in So You Think You Can Dance Australia and Bondi Rescue.

Over to you for interpretation. Go to comments to tell us if Generation Rudbull deserves the crown.

• by David Dale at 03:06 AM
• Comments (14)

The Tribal Mind: Gen Wars

To nominate the best books about Australia, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
AS ISMS GO, ageism is less unpleasant than sexism or racism. Stereotyping people by their generation is about on the stupidity level of believing in astrology: "Ah, you're Capricorn, so you're proud, ambitious and practical"; "Ah, you're Gen X, so you're a whingeing loner who can't keep a job", etc.

Generational generalisations are all the rage right now. Australia's most watched TV show is Talkin' 'Bout Your Generation (known in the industry as Two Apostrophes and a Laugh Track). And the ratings organisation OzTAM has started selling charts which divide its sample of 3000 households into groups with such labels as Boomers, Xers and Pioneers (a euphemism for "the geriatrics our advertisers don't care about").

The problem is that nobody can agree on a definition of the various groups being stereotyped. On T''BYG last week, Shaun Micallef defined Generation X as born between 1965 and 1979, Gen Y as 1980 to 1995, and Baby Boomers as 1946 to 1964 (to the surprise of contestant Ian "Dicko" Dickson, who said he always thought he was a GenXer).

OzTAM disputes Micalleff. Its definitions are: Pioneers (born before 1946); Boomers (1946-1960); Gen X (1961-1975); Gen Y (76-90); Gen Z (91-05); and Generation Next (2006-present, ie viewers under three, a really useful marketing segment).

Could OzTAM be any more unimaginative? Generation X was a label popularised in the early 90s by the US novelist Douglas Coupland, who said the X symbolised the alienation of an age group who felt overshadowed by the baby boomers. To call their successors Y and Z is just lazy.

The Australian Bureau of Statistics suffers no such shortage of inspiration. It has just issued an analysis of the 2006 census which segments the population by these labels: The Oldest (the 727,000 born before 1926); The Lucky Generation (the 2.9 million born between 1926 and 1946): The Boomers (the 5.5 million born 1946 to 1966): Generation XY (the 5.5 million born 1966 to 1986); and The iGeneration (the 5.3 million born after 1986).

The iGen is a clever label based on the techno-savvy of this age group, and I'm going to save the OzTAM people further embarrassment by applying it to the group they boringly call Generation Z. Lets see if there was any significant difference between the generations in their viewing habits this month.

The Pioneers prefer: New Tricks; Midsomer Murders; Australian Story; Seven News; Australia's Got Talent; ABC news; the Treasurer's Budget Speech.
The Boomers prefer: Underbelly; Seven news; A Lion Called Christian; Better Homes and Gardens; Today Tonight; Find My Family. They are utterly uninterested in Talkin' 'Bout Your Generation.
Gen X prefers: The Biggest Loser; Underbelly; the Logie Awards; Masterchef; T''BYG; So You Think You Can Dance Australia.
Gen Y prefers: The Biggest Loser; T''BYG; Underbelly; SYTYCDA; Masterchef; The Simpsons.
The iGen prefers: The Biggest Loser; Merlin; T''BYG; SYTYCDA; The Simpsons; Bondi Rescue. The younger half of this age group prefer Total Drama Island, Willa's Wildlife, and Iron Man, all on the ABC in the afternoon.

Does this data allow us to make any generational generalisations? At first sight, it would seem baby boomers don't want to know about anything that reminds them how old they are.

Beyond that -- it's up to you. Go to Comments to tell us what it means. Your theories will be next week's column

• by David Dale at 02:17 AM
• Comments (32)

The Tribal Mind: Where everyone has gone before

To nominate the best books about Australia, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
APOTHEOSIS is not a word that should be used in a column about popular culture, but there's no other way to say this: the new Star Trek movie is the apotheosis of 21st century storytelling. It exemplifies and exalts everything we love and hate about mass entertainment. It will be the focus of study by anthropologists for decades to come -- even those anthropologists who hate science fiction.

In the 1980s, producers developed The Theory Of The Three Ds to explain what every successful blockbuster needs: Destruction of property, Disrespect for authority, and Dirty jokes.

For Star Trek, the Ds are barely the beginning. There's self-referential irony; shameless product placement; a plot that scrupulously follows the "Hero's Journey" formula (reluctant protagonist called to adventure, mentor, funny friends encountered on the road, symbolic death and resurrection, etc); an Australian villain; inter-species intercourse; very loud explosions; fights in bars; girls in bras; surprise guest stars; hundreds of in-jokes; and special effects that look unfinished, as if the producers were rushing to a deadline determined by when US high school students start their summer break.

In short in matters cultural, creative and commercial, it is the very model of a modern major motion picture.

One reference alone made it worth the price of admission for me. I won't spoil the surprise, but I venture to predict it might join in public memory the most resonant line in 20th century sci-fi -- Darth Vader's revelation to Luke Skywalker towards the end of The Empire Strikes Back. It provoked yelps of delight in the cinema where I joined the half a million Australians who saw Star Trek last week.

Another reason to welcome the success of the new Star Trek is that it might encourage a reprint of one of the most insightful books of the early 90s. Back then there was a fad for little tomes that sought to encapsulate life lessons in brisk pronouncements. The fad started with a book called All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, which offered such comforts as "Don't Hit people"; "Share everything"; "Play fair"; and "Put things back where you found them". Then came All I Really Need To Know I Learned from My Cat (Get mad when you're stepped on; Be mysterious; Find the sunny places; When all else fails, take a nap).

I lent someone my copy of the next in the series, All I Really Need to Know I Learned From Watching Star Trek, by Dave Marinaccio, so I'm paraphrasing from memory: The unknown is not to be feared, it is to be understood; Always answer a distress signal; Don't interfere in other people's business, unless it's to stop them interfering in other people's business; If you mess something up, it's your responsibility to make it right again; Always question the pronouncements of authority figures, especially when they claim to be god; With a little understanding, enemies can turn into friends.

Marinaccio rates Captain James T. Kirk as an efficient manager (despite a certain impetuousness) because he has spelled out a clear mission statement for his staff (to boldly go, etc) and he always makes it clear who is in charge at any moment ("Mr Spock, you have the bridge").

Not all of this wisdom is displayed in the new Star Trek, but these are early days. By the seventh prequel, the media-savvy teenagers of today will be equipped with all the idealism, enthusiasm and ethical values they need to make the 2020s the greatest decade in human history. Not many movie franchises can make that claim.

What do you reckon?

• by David Dale at 10:01 AM
• Comments (14)

The Tribal Mind: The Yanks are going

To learn how Australians find love and lose it, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
Coca-colonisation update: if Australians were just cultural clones of Americans, then the movie Wolverine would have sold $8.5 million worth of tickets on its first weekend. In fact, it sold $6.6 million worth. That left a giant question mark hanging over our national identity.

For three decades, film distributors in this country have operated on the assumption that any big budget international movie will make in Australian dollars roughly one tenth of what it made in American dollars. Thus Titanic made $US601 million over there and $58m here, becoming the highest grossing film of all time in both countries. Jurassic Park made $US357m and $33m; The Sixth Sense made $US290m and $29m; Independence Day made $US306m and $29m; Forrest Gump made $330m and $31m; Shrek the Third made $US321m and $34m.

You see the pattern. We were a bit more keen on Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings than they were, and a bit less keen on Star Wars and Spider-Man, but most of the time we've been predictable mini-mes of American moviegoers.

That was until Wolverine, which made $US85.1 million in its first weekend over there, and $6.6 million here - a success in anybody's language, but not the same success in each place.

Everything was in its favour: a star who happens to be Australia's most popular person; huge publicity, both free and paid-for; and no significant competition in the multiplexes. Its local box office should have been much bigger. Has the tall poppy syndrome set in already for Hugh Jackman? Or might other forces be at work?

If there's one thing this column is noted for, it's drawing the longest possible bow and propounding outlandish theories about social change based on flimsy evidence. Plus being unable to count. So three things we're noted for.

We're about to do at least one of them again. Consider these two charts:

America's favorite movies of the past 12 months: 1 The Dark Knight $US533m; 2 Iron Man $US318m;
3 Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull $US317m; 4 Hancock $US228m; 5 Wall-e $US223m;
6 Kung Fu Panda $US215m; 7 Monsters vs Aliens $US183m; 8 Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa $US180m;
9 Quantum of Solace $US168m; 10 Horton Hears a Who $US155m.

Australia's favourite movies of the past 12 months: 1 The Dark Knight $46m; 2 Australia $37m;
3 Mamma Mia! $32m; 4 Quantum of Solace $US31m; 5 Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull $29m; 6 Sex and the City $27m; 7 Kung Fu Panda $26m; 8 Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa $22m; 9 Twilight $22m; 10 Slumdog Millionaire $20m.

What do we observe? First, that beyond superficial similarities, the one-tenth-of-America rule no longer applies. We have cast off the cultural colonisers and achieved our own independence day.

Secondly, Australian actors were the drawcard in two of America's top three hits of the past 12 months.

Thirdly, the majority of moviegoers in the United States appear to be boys under the age of 14, or people who think like boys under the age of 14.

And fourthly, Australians are more diverse in their tastes than our cousins across the Pacific. In addition to action adventures and kiddy cartoons, we are open to historic melodramas, musical comedies, epic romances and teenage vampires.

It would be irresponsible to mince words. Australians are simply better human beings than Americans. Be still my patriotic heart.

To debate this theory, go to Comments

• by David Dale at 04:03 PM
• Comments (6)

The Who We Are update: Week 19

This week of the blog is a heritage item -- worth studying but no longer current. For the latest media trends in Australia, bookmark blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
To get the viewers' verdict on what's worst on the box, go to The Bogie Awards, 2009
To learn how Australians lose love, go to Who We Are

The ratings race, updated 10 am Sunday
Channel Nine started the week with a massive advantage from the Logies and the Underbelly finale and managed to fritter most of it away by Saturday. In the end, Nine averaged 27.9 per cent of the prime time audience, while Seven got 27.7, Ten 22.5, ABC 16.7, SBS 5.13. Ten is currently gleeful that Masterchef is performing far better than The Biggest Loser and Big Brother. Seven is gleeful that Underbelly is over.

This was Pay TV's account of itself: "For the sixth week in a row, and for the 14th week in 2009, Subscription TV was the number one source of television across all homes. STV channels accounted for 22.0% of all metropolitan viewing between 6am and midnight, was 20.8% of all regional viewing and 57.4% of all viewing in subscription TV homes in week 18, 2009.

"In sport, Live: NRL Cowboys v Dragons on FOX Sports was seen by 307,000 people, Live: AFL Western Bulldogs v St Kilda was watched by 275,000 (a record for the code this year) and the FOX Sports' live coverage of the fifth One Day International against Pakistan, Live: Cricket: ODI Pak v Aus 5th ODI S1, was watched by 103,000 viewers. Live: Rugby League: Toyota Cup received its highest audience for the year with 99,000 viewers (all on FOX Sports).

"Australia's Next Top Model continued its great run with 202,000 viewers for Tuesday night's broadcast on FOX8 and 280,000 on the night when the Plus 2 hours audiences are included. NCIS on TV1 had 116,000 viewers, Law & Order on W was watched by 113,000 people and Wednesday night's episode of Selling Houses Australia on Lifestyle was viewed by 112,000 subscribers. The Bucket List, with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman premiered on Movie One with 107,000 people, Sonny with a Chance on Disney Channel had its biggest audience of the year with 99,000 people and Ben 10: Alien Force on Cartoon Network had its best result for 2009 with 74,000 viewers."

What Australia watched, week ending May 9
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 UNDERBELLY: A TALE OF TWO CITIES Nine 2,090,000 639,000 700,000 320,000 199,000 232,000
2 TV WEEK LOGIE AWARDS ARRIVALS Nine 1,698,000 489,000 622,000 276,000 131,000 179,000
3 51ST ANNUAL TV WEEK LOGIE AWARDS Nine 1,652,000 511,000 602,000 238,000 147,000 153,000
4 TALKIN' 'BOUT YOUR GENERATION Ten 1,642,000 475,000 529,000 293,000 142,000 204,000
5 A LION CALLED CHRISTIAN Seven 1,587,000 462,000 443,000 290,000 153,000 238,000
6 SEVEN NEWS - SUN Seven 1,580,000 429,000 429,000 308,000 176,000 238,000
7 THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE Seven 1,573,000 435,000 492,000 280,000 153,000 213,000
8 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,543,000 426,000 417,000 325,000 163,000 212,000
9 NINE NEWS SUNDAY Nine 1,542,000 465,000 519,000 277,000 159,000 121,000
10 NCIS Ten 1,516,000 363,000 426,000 312,000 190,000 224,000
11 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,436,000 348,000 435,000 311,000 168,000 174,000
12 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,436,000 390,000 394,000 308,000 150,000 195,000
13 MERLIN Ten 1,406,000 423,000 354,000 245,000 166,000 218,000

• by David Dale at 09:46 AM
• Comments (62)

The Tribal Mind: Bogie winners of 2009

To learn how Australians find love, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
The voters have spoken. The glittering ceremony begins. Lets skip the red carpet and the comedy routine, and go straight to the results for The Bogie Awards 2009, in which we celebrate all that is egregious on Australian television.

Six weeks ago this column published nominations in a variety of categories, and sought your votes. We were overwhelmed by 226 responses. Our team of accountants has tallied them. Here's what the viewers thought:

Most unnecessary personality: Tom Williams 4 votes; Emazon 8; Giaan Rooney 8; Ricki-Lee Coulter 16; Krystal Forscutt 22; Fifi Box 23. And the winner, with 36 votes, is Lara Bingle.

Most unnecessary program: Sunday Night 5; Guerilla Gardeners 11; Triple Zero Heroes 15; Yum Cha 16; Bondi Vet 17; Sunrise 20. And the winner, with 27 votes, is Celebrity Singing Bee.

Most unnecessary adaptation of an overseas show: Customs 7; Life on Mars (US) 8; Wipeout Australia 17; Aussie Ladette to Lady 17; Kath and Kim (US) 33. And the winner, with 36 votes, is Top Gear Australia.

Most offputting commercial: Valvoline 4; "The one where 'surprise' is every second word" 5; Pepsi max 5; The good guys 6; Funeral insurance 7; It's a beautiful day for cancer 10; The beaver 15; The Ped Egg 27. And the winner, with 35 votes, is "The impotence one with the guys playing the piano".

Best use of breasts to exploit viewers' base instincts: Satisfaction 3; 30 Rock 9; Nigella Express 25. And the winner, with 78 votes, is Overbelly: A Sale of Two Titties.

Worst attempt at an accent from a country not your own: Damien Lewis (in LIfe) 4; Melissa George (in Grey's Anatomy) 10; "The bloke playing Terry Clarke's supposedly Scottish offsider" 17. Winner, with 66 votes: Matthew Newton (in Underbelly 2).

Most Underrated: Review by Miles Barlow 4; Rush 4; Good Game 4; Eli Stone 7; The Einstein Factor 9; ABC2 News Breakfast 16; 30 Rock 24. Winner, with 26: Dexter.

Furthest fallen from former finery: The Footy Show 4; Neighbours 16; Lost 26; Grey's Anatomy 27. Winner, with 37: House.

Most annoying person: Scott Cam 3; Charlie Cox 3; Jason Coleman 6; Georgie Parker 9; Sam Newman 10; Ajay Rochester 14; Andrew O'Keefe 15; Danny Weidler 18. Winner, with 33: David Koch.

Most overhyped: Lie To Me 3; The Footy Show 14; Packed to the Rafters 16; Underbelly 2 30. Winner, with 35: So You Think You Can Dance Australia.

Most repeated: Inspector Rex 3; Love Actually 5; About a Boy 6; Gordon Ramsay 6; MASH 12; Guthy-Renker 13; The Simpsons 23. Winner, with 39: Two and a Half Men.

Most missed: Big Brother 3; Hey Hey It's Saturday 3; Newstopia 3; Mother and Son 4; The Panel Christmas special 5; Deadwood 5; The West Wing 7; The Glasshouse 11; Enough Rope 19. And the winner, with 45 votes, is The Chaser.

Most jerked around by the networks: Cold Case 3; Out of the Blue 5; ER 5; Ugly Betty 6; 24 16. Winner, with 35: Scrubs.

Most wooden presenter: Jennifer Hawkins 16; Sandra Sully 19; Natalie Bassingthwaighte 39. Winner, with 41: Ajay Rochester.

Most embarrassing program (the Naomi Robson Cup): Today on Sunday 5; WWE Afterburn 9; The Biggest Loser 13; A Current Affair 24. Winner, with 43: Today Tonight.

Furthest past use-by date (the Bert Newton Trophy): Australia's Got Talent 5; Kerry Anne Kennerley 9; Paul McDermott 11; Todd McKenney 13; Red Symons 15; Dancing with the Stars 18; Catriona Rowntree 20. Winner, with 33: Richard Wilkins.

The Black Bogie (the Eddie McGuire Chalice): Todd McKenney 4; Ajay Rochester 16; Andrew Okeefe 18. And the winner, with 84 votes, is Kyle Sandilands. May flights of angels sing him to his rest.

Go here to see all the votes. Go to Comments to discuss how TV can be better.

• by David Dale at 04:12 PM
• Comments (7)

The Who We Are update: Week 18

To get the viewers' verdict on what's worst on the box, go to The Bogie Awards, 2009
To learn how Australians find love, go to Who We Are

The ratings race, updated 10am Monday
A week that started so promisingly for Channel Ten, with huge numbers for finales of dancing and losing and reasonable numbers for cooking, ended this way: Seven got 26.7 per cent of the prime time audience, Ten got 25.5, Nine got 25.2, ABC 17.1, SBS 5.5.

The mystery of the week is why Nine has decided to renew Eddie McGuire's faltering comeback vehicle, Hot Seat. Perhaps they have nothing else.

This was Pay TV's account of itself for the week: "Australia's Next Top Model set a subscription TV record for a series premiere when 210,000 viewers (303,000 including the Plus2 broadcast) watched the start of the 2009 series on FOX8 on Tuesday night. This week's episode of Selling Houses Australia on Lifestyle was watched by 107,000 people, The Vicar of Dibley on UKTV had its best audience of the year with 102,000 and Sonny With A Chance premiered on Disney Channel with 98,000 viewers.

"In sport, Live: NRL Knights v Broncos on FOX Sports was seen by 315,000 people, Live: AFL Geelong v Brisbane Lions was watched by 217,000 and the FOX Sports' live coverage of the fourth One Day International against Pakistan, Live: Cricket: ODI Pak v Aus 4th ODI S1, was watched by 112,000 viewers. Finally, as the English football season draws to a close, 72,000 people watched Manchester United edge closer to the Premier League title as they beat Middlesborough 2-0 in Live: Football: EPL M'brough v Man Utd.

"For the fifth week in a row, and for the 10th week in the last 12 weeks, Subscription TV was the number one source of television across all homes. STV channels accounted for 22.3% of all metropolitan viewing between 6am and midnight, was 22.0% of all regional viewing and 58.5% of all viewing in subscription TV homes in week 18, 2009."

What Australia watched, week ending May 2
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 THE BIGGEST LOSER (AUS) - WINNER ANNOUNCED Ten 2,094,000 672,000 587,000 382,000 195,000 259,000
2 THE BIGGEST LOSER (AUS) - FINALE NIGHT Ten 1,798,000 565,000 469,000 342,000 171,000 252,000
3 SEVEN NEWS - SUN Seven 1,797,000 373,000 614,000 367,000 214,000 228,000
4 THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE Seven 1,741,000 557,000 535,000 335,000 130,000 184,000
5 UNDERBELLY: A TALE OF TWO CITIES Nine 1,711,000 471,000 575,000 278,000 184,000 203,000
6 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,601,000 451,000 443,000 302,000 180,000 225,000
7 BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS Seven 1,578,000 474,000 505,000 257,000 171,000 172,000
8 NINE NEWS SUNDAY Nine 1,539,000 476,000 477,000 308,000 176,000 103,000
9 THE BIGGEST LOSER (AUS) Ten 1,539,000 453,000 428,000 308,000 145,000 205,000
10 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,509,000 438,000 412,000 282,000 156,000 221,000
11 THE BIGGEST LOSER (AUS) - THE FINAL WEIGH-IN Ten 1,488,000 461,000 418,000 302,000 148,000 158,000
12 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,472,000 396,000 424,000 251,000 161,000 241,000
13 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE AUSTRALIA - THE WINNER ANNOUNCED Ten 1,452,000 460,000 476,000 242,000 125,000 150,000
14 MASTERCHEF AUSTRALIA - AUDITION 1 Ten 1,428,000 443,000 412,000 258,000 147,000 168,000
15 THE FORCE - BEHIND THE LINE Seven 1,426,000 423,000 427,000 265,000 127,000 184,000
16 NCIS Ten 1,423,000 399,000 389,000 284,000 163,000 190,000
17 60 MINUTES Nine 1,380,000 379,000 423,000 292,000 141,000 145,000
18 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE AUSTRALIA - FINALE NIGHT Ten 1,355,000 431,000 418,000 250,000 128,000 128,000

• by David Dale at 07:13 PM
• Comments (58)

The Tribal Mind: Everything to lose

To find out what the CIA thinks of Australia, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
Australia is a hero-phobic society, according to the Hollywood screenwriter Christopher Vogler. "In Australian culture it's unseemly to seek out leadership or the limelight," he writes, "and anyone who does is a tall poppy, quickly cut down."

If Vogler is right, Hugh Jackman had better hurry to make his pile before he goes the way of Paul Hogan, Mel Gibson, Bert Newton and Eddie McGuire.

It's often pointed out, especially on April 25, that Australia is the land that loves its losers. We're the only country to devote a national holiday to a military defeat, turn the tale of a suicidal sheep thief into a national song, and make a hero out of a murdering bankrobber simply because he put a political spin on his crimes. We also refuse to support our own movies, with the notable recent exception of a melodrama that can be read as self-parody. So Hugh Jackman is lucky to have got away with displaying talent, intelligence and charm for as long as he has.

Vogler believes Australians are different from Americans in their approach to story and character. A former script consultant for Disney, he travelled the world in the 1990s promoting his textbook The Writer's Journey - Mythic structure for storytellers and screenwriters. Then he produced a revised edition wondering if some of his assumptions about a universal love of "admirable, virtuous heroes" had contained a cultural bias.

"The Australians distrust appeals to heroic virtue because such concepts have been used to lure generations of young Australian males into fighting Britain's battles," he wrote. "Australians have their heroes, of course, but they tend to be unassuming and self-effacing ... The most admirable hero is one who denies his heroic role as long as possible and who, like Mad Max, avoids accepting responsibility for anyone but himself."

This may explain why Hugh Jackman chose to risk some of his own money in Wolverine, the blockbuster that opens next week. Playing the most damaged loner since Mad Max ("I'm coming for blood - no code of conduct, no law," he says in the trailer) might keep Jackman from the poppy-lopper's scythe for a few months yet.

He is certainly Australia's hero of the moment. The latest Q-Scores survey conducted by Audience Development Australia, in which 2000 people on the east coast were shown 600 photos and asked how they felt about the ones they recognized, produced this ranking of most liked: Hugh Jackman; Andrew Denton; Jennifer Hawkins; Ernie Dingo; Dave Hughes.

And when UMR Research showed a list of celebrities to a different sample of 1000 Australians and asked if they felt positively or negatively about them, these were the most positively rated: Hugh Jackman; Geoffrey Rush; Cate Blanchett; Andrew Denton; Eric Bana.

More revealing is UMR's list of the celebrities who were most negatively rated: Kyle Sandilands; Lara Bingle; Sophie Monk; Paul Hogan; Bert Newton.

A decade ago Newton and Hogan would have been at the other end of the scale, well-ranked in any top ten of popularity. Apparently they flew too high, gave an appearance of vanity instead of humility, and down came the poppies' petals.

But once word of the UMR survey gets out, Our Bert and Our Paul are bound to rise in public esteem. As soon as we're sure they are losers, we can let ourselves start loving them again. Recovery will take a bit longer for Our Mel and Our Eddie.

Go to Comments to discuss whether Australia loves losers.

• by David Dale at 10:44 PM
• Comments (6)

The tribal mind: A frenzy of feelgoods

To find out what the CIA thinks of Australia, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
The marketers of mass entertainment in this country have decided that Australians are down in the dumps, desperately in need of emotional elevation. "A hugely enjoyable feelgood movie" yells the newspaper ad (I've spared you the capital letters) for The Boat That Rocked, a comedy about Britain's pirate radio DJs in the 1960s. "Don't miss the feel-good hit of the season" says the ad for Easy Virtue, a comedy about Britain's class snobbery in the 1920s.

Bottle Shock, a comedy about Californian winemakers, "gives crowd pleasers a good name". Summer Hours, a French melodrama featuring a disconcertingly blonde Juliette Binoche, is "especially moving and life-affirming".

Even The Reader, a drama about an illiterate Nazi camp guard, is promoted as "one of the most uplifting movie experiences of your life". Now that's going too far. The Reader is an interesting film, but uplifting it ain't (except perhaps for adults trying to teach themselves to read). Apparently the marketers think this is not a time in history when a film can be described as "challenging" or "thought provoking". They clearly agree with the poorly punctuated slogan they wrote for Good, Viggo Mortensen's war drama: "Anything that makes people happy can't be bad can it?"

Are we really so deeply in despair that we only want uplift in our entertainment? The marketers can't have read the latest Roy Morgan Consumer Confidence Index, which is actually 2 per cent higher than a year ago (when the economy was booming). In the first week of April, 39 per cent of Australians thought their family would be better off over the next 12 months, while only 16 per cent thought they'd be worse off.

To check if the marketers have judged our needs correctly, lets examine how Australians amused themselves over the Easter break. Nearly 2 million people went to the pictures between Thursday and Tuesday. Based on what the industry calls "screen averages" (ticket sales per cinema), these were Australia's favourite Easter flicks:

1 17 Again, a comedy about a middle aged mind in a teenage body, starring Zac Ephron (famous for High School Musical), which showed on 222 screens and made $4 million
2 Elegy, a drama in which 65 year old Ben Kingsley seduces 34 year old Penelope Cruz, which made $241,000 on 22 screens
3 Monsters Vs Aliens, a spectacular cartoon, which made $4 million on 382 screens
4 Summer Hours, the aforementioned bite of Binoche, which made $200,000 on 21 screens
5 The Boat That Rocked, which made $1.9 million on 293 screens.
(Source: Motion Picture Distributors Association of Australia)

So yes, we did go for some of the feelgoods, but there are limits. The Pink Panther 2, a pathetic waste of Steve Martin's talent, made only $605,000 on 198 screens. Meanwhile, the decidedly non-cheerful Good made $67,000 on 22 screens and The Reader made $191,000 on 45 screens (which brings its total to $3.7 million in eight weeks).

How about those who stayed home for the holidays? Here are two more charts to ponder ...

What Australia watched on DVD over Easter: 1 Australia; 2 High School Musical extended edition (Zac Ephron again); 3 The Dark Knight special edition; 4 Quantum of Solace; 5 Journey to the Centre of the Earth (source: GfK Australia). Three feelgoods out of five there.

What Australia watched on TV over Easter: 1 Seven news (7) 1.5 million in the mainland capitals; 2 Today Tonight (7) 1.4m; 3 Nine news Sunday (9) 1.3 m; 4 60 Minutes (9) 1.2m; Home and Away (7) 1.1m. (Source: OzTAM)

That makes us look more like reality junkies than fantasising escapists. What we didn't watch was anything connected with the religious festival that gave us the holiday in the first place. On Friday, The Life of Jesus (7) drew 158,000 viewers in the mainland capitals. On Saturday a movie described in the program guide as Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ (7) drew 115,000.

The marketers may be forced to conclude that our economic worries have not yet become serious enough to require divine intervention.

Go to Comments to tell us if you think Australians are desperate to feel good.

• by David Dale at 05:08 PM
• Comments (1)

The Who We Are update: The Easter silly season

To find out what the CIA thinks of Australia, go to Who We Are.
To vote for TV's most embarrassing, annoying and underrated, go to The Bogie Awards.

The ratings race, updated 10 am Sunday
You can tell it's a non-ratings period when the most watched show of the week is the news, when six of the week's top 20 are repeats, and when the ABC's best performer is a repeat of a whodunit first shown on Channel Nine in 1999.

Seven's collection of repeats earned it 26.7 per cent of the prime time audience, Nine managed 24.2 per cent, Ten 23.5, the ABC 19.4 (a big boost, due largely to Midsomer, Gruen, Specks and Poirot) and SBS 6.1 (thanks mainly to Top Gear, Trawlermen and Mad Men). Can any reader explain why Trawlermen would pull 442,000 to SBS?

This was Pay TV's account of itself for the week: "Subscription TV was the number one source of television around Australia in the week commencing Easter Sunday (week 16, 2009). STV channels accounted for 24.5% of all metropolitan viewing between 6am and midnight, was 23.0% of all regional viewing and 61.9% of all viewing in subscription TV homes.

"A number of subscription TV's animation programs had their biggest audiences of the year as families enjoyed their Easter break with STV. Family Guy on FOX8 had a record audience for the year with 185,000 viewers as did The Simpsons with 178,000 people. Nickelodeon's Avatar: The Last Airbender had its biggest viewership of the year with 93,000 and SpongeBob SquarePants also had its best result of 2009 with 93,000 viewers. 125,000 people watched the Wednesday night episode of Selling Houses Australia and Sunday night's broadcast of NCIS on TV1 drew 113,000 people. This week, Gilmore Girls on Arena was watched by 85,000 people, The Virgin Trade premiered on Crime & Investigation with 74,000 people and Marple: Ordeal by Innocence premiered on Hallmark with 72,000 viewers.

"In sports programming, Live: NRL Bulldogs v Rabbitohs was seen by 315,000 people, Live: AFL Sydney v Carlton was seen by 162,000 viewers and the fourth game of the one day cricket international between Australia and South Africa, Live: Cricket: ODI RSA v Aus Game 4, was watched by 137,000 (all on FOX Sports). Live: Rugby Union: S14 Waratahs v Force on Saturday night was watched by 93,000 viewers."

What Australia watched, week ending April 18
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,518,000 423,000 405,000 284,000 172,000 234,000
2 AUSTRALIA'S GOT TALENT Seven 1,509,000 408,000 445,000 287,000 183,000 186,000
3 BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS Seven 1,455,000 380,000 465,000 226,000 171,000 213,000
4 SEVEN NEWS - SUN Seven 1,440,000 354,000 383,000 339,000 176,000 188,000
5 NCIS RPT Ten 1,425,000 355,000 427,000 254,000 192,000 197,000
6 BONDI RESCUE Ten 1,424,000 393,000 383,000 300,000 158,000 190,000
7 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,421,000 377,000 391,000 275,000 169,000 210,000
8 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,396,000 385,000 412,000 272,000 128,000 199,000
9 NCIS EP 2 RPT Ten 1,395,000 382,000 398,000 249,000 177,000 189,000
10 NINE NEWS SUNDAY Nine 1,274,000 403,000 354,000 224,000 165,000 128,000
11 CRIMINAL MINDS (R) Seven 1,242,000 342,000 365,000 212,000 167,000 156,000
12 MIDSOMER MURDERS ABC1 1,234,000 386,000 346,000 155,000 158,000 189,000
13 60 MINUTES Nine 1,221,000 324,000 338,000 257,000 135,000 166,000
14 RSPCA ANIMAL RESCUE (R) Seven 1,212,000 336,000 374,000 213,000 142,000 147,000
15 THE GRUEN TRANSFER ABC1 1,210,000 424,000 321,000 204,000 126,000 137,000
16 SPICKS AND SPECKS ABC1 1,184,000 413,000 293,000 208,000 134,000 135,000
17 NEW TRICKS RPT ABC1 1,166,000 329,000 329,000 214,000 128,000 167,000
18 NINE NEWS Nine 1,138,000 309,000 330,000 264,000 126,000 110,000
19 THE BIGGEST LOSER (AUS) Ten 1,124,000 333,000 268,000 233,000 116,000 174,000
20 HOME AND AWAY Seven 1,122,000 326,000 286,000 207,000 151,000 152,000

• by David Dale at 04:31 AM
• Comments (89)

The Tribal Mind: Let us tie our own bundles of joy

To find out what the CIA thinks of Australia, go to Who We Are.
To vote for TV's most embarrassing, annoying and underrated, go to The Bogie Awards.

by David Dale
They keep saying it's about quality, not quantity; about diversity, not standardisation; encouraging individual eccentricity instead of enforcing mass conformity; brave battlers resisting big bullies; stimulating the thoughtful rather than pandering to the lowest common denominator. But when they suddenly get a giant audience, they don't mind boasting about it.

Last week one program on Pay TV created a record - the most watched event in the 13 year history of Australian subscription television. The audience size was 431,000.

That number seems pretty small to me. Every week on free to air television, Underbelly draws 2.2 million viewers in the mainland capitals to Channel Nine. Some 4 million watched the men's final of the Australian Open tennis on Channel Seven in 2005. And here's Foxtel wetting itself about the revelation that 431,000 watched a soccer match between Australia and Uzbekistan.

Consider the context. While free to air television is fading away, Pay TV is booming, with an audience growing at the rate of 6 per cent a year. Out of 7.5 million homes with TV sets in Australia, 2.2 million get Foxtel or Austar by cable or satellite - up from 1.8 million three years ago. And here are the record breakers ...

The most watched programs of all time on Pay TV: 1 Soccer: World Cup Qualifier, Australia V Uzbekistan (2009) 431,000; 2 Soccer: AFC Asian Cup Japan V Australia (2007) 419,000; 3 Cricket: Chappell-Hadlee trophy (2007) 415,000; 4 Cricket: South Africa V Australia Test, Day 2 (2009) 358,000; 5 Rugby Union: Bledisloe Cup (2008) 350,000. Perhaps we will learn more from another list ...

The most watched non-sporting programs of all time on Pay TV: 1 Parkinson: The Shane Warne interview (2007) 332,000; 2 High School Musical 2 premiere (2007) 314,000; 3 Australia's Next Top Model finale (2008) 259,000; 4 Die Hard 4.0 premiere (2008) 244,000; 5 Rock Star Supernova (2006) 235,000. Pay's most watched regular shows, attracting close to 200,000 viewers for some episodes, are The Simpsons and Family Guy.

Of course, by reporting the moments when Pay stations have come closest to the mass market, I am missing the point, which is that Pay exists to provide alternatives for the discriminating minority. In the past 12 months, four programs have almost justified the $100 a month I pay for Foxtel IQ - True Blood, In Treatment, Mad Men and Terminator: The Sara Connor Chronicles.

I said "almost". Pay must take one more step if it wants ever to reach a majority of the population. It should offer genuine freedom of choice. At the moment I have to pay a basic fee for access to a "bundle" of 50 channels, most of which I don't want. And I must pay extra if I want The Sci-Fi channel, the Comedy channel, History, Bio, Ovation, Food, Science, Travel or Crime.

Here's my challenge to the Pay providers: Set your subscribers free. Instead of behaving like the broadcast bullies and imposing a fixed bundle of programs on every viewer, let us do our own bundling. Set a minimum price of, say, $60 a month, and let the subscriber choose any 30 channels from a menu of 100. Let me dump the sports and the shopping and the religion and replace them with history, food and comedy.

You may no longer get numbers like 431,000 for a soccer match, but you will earn our undying respect.

What "bundle" of programs would encourage you to subscribe to Pay TV? Tell us at Comments

• by David Dale at 06:01 AM
• Comments (26)

The Who We Are update: Week 17

To vote on the most annoying, embarrassing and underrated programs and people on Australian television, go to The Bogies.
To find out what the CIA thinks of Australia, go to Who We Are.

The ratings race, updated 10am Monday
You can always rely on old Bill. When your audience is sinking, bring out Mr Connolly and he'll put you back on top. Channel Seven, lacking Packed To The Rafters and with Ten eating away at its audience, was neck and neck with Nine for most of the week. But after Saturday, it ended with 28.0 per cent of the prime time audience, while Nine got 26.1 per cent, Ten got 22.8, the ABC got 17.4, and SBS got 5.7.

This was Pay TV's account of itself: "On ANZAC Day, the History Channel's production For Valour, documenting the tales of bravery by Australian Victoria Cross winners, premiered with 68,000 viewers. In the same week, Family Guy on FOX8 was watched by 145,000 people, Grand Designs on Lifestyle had its biggest audience this year with 132,000 viewers and 108,000 people watched Law & Order: SVU on TV1. My Family on UKTV had its largest audience year-to-date with 78,000 subscribers and the movie Gone Baby Gone premiered on Movie One with 73,000 viewers. In children's programming, Wizards of Waverly Place on Disney Channel had its best result so far for 2009 with 99,000 viewers while SpongeBob SquarePants on Nickelodeon was seen by 78,000 people this week.

"In sports programming, FOX Sports coverage of Live: NRL Cowboys v Sea Eagles was seen by 330,000 people and is the biggest NRL audience for subscription TV so far this year. Live: AFL West Coast v Western Bulldogs was seen by 223,000 people; the first one day cricket international between Australia and Pakistan, Live: Cricket: ODI Pak v Aust 1st ODI S1, was watched by 150,000 and Live: AFL Teams on Thursday night was had its best result of 2009 with 82,000 viewers (all on FOX Sports).

"Subscription TV was the number one source of television around Australia in the week of ANZAC Day (week 17, 2009). STV channels accounted for 22.5% of all metropolitan viewing between 6am and midnight, was 21.8% of all regional viewing and 58.8% of all viewing in subscription TV homes"

What Australia watched, week ending April 24
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 UNDERBELLY: A TALE OF TWO CITIES -EP1 Nine 1,813,000 530,000 610,000 254,000 182,000 237,000
2 UNDERBELLY: A TALE OF TWO CITIES -EP2 Nine 1,803,000 512,000 615,000 268,000 176,000 232,000
3 SEVEN NEWS - SUN Seven 1,649,000 402,000 494,000 334,000 162,000 257,000
4 AUSTRALIA'S GOT TALENT Seven 1,610,000 437,000 467,000 329,000 186,000 191,000
5 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,605,000 439,000 530,000 309,000 154,000 172,000
6 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,522,000 414,000 413,000 290,000 173,000 233,000
7 60 MINUTES Nine 1,507,000 405,000 473,000 338,000 151,000 139,000
8 FIND MY FAMILY Seven 1,488,000 399,000 464,000 257,000 157,000 210,000
9 THE FORCE - BEHIND THE LINE Seven 1,482,000 446,000 422,000 287,000 128,000 199,000
10 BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS Seven 1,477,000 347,000 510,000 210,000 195,000 215,000
11 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,448,000 392,000 399,000 291,000 160,000 206,000
12 NINE NEWS SUNDAY Nine 1,384,000 427,000 418,000 266,000 153,000 121,000
13 NCIS RPT Ten 1,378,000 386,000 383,000 242,000 182,000 185,000
14 BORDER SECURITY USA Seven 1,366,000 381,000 413,000 288,000 119,000 166,000
15 MISSING PIECES Nine 1,349,000 349,000 435,000 231,000 136,000 198,000
16 10 YEARS YOUNGER IN 10 DAYS Seven 1,348,000 394,000 431,000 181,000 154,000 187,000

• by David Dale at 09:14 AM
• Comments (40)

The Tribal Mind: The worst on TV

Are you happy? To learn how Australians answered that question, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
This comes as a shock. It seems people are actually missing Big Brother, the pioneering-but-ultimately-geriatric "reality" show put out of its misery last year by Channel Ten. Two readers claimed to be in that sad condition when this column sought nominations for the 2009 Bogie Awards - the hall of shame for television's most annoying, embarrassing and underrated programs and personalities.

In the category "Most Missed", many readers nominated "anything by The Chaser boys", a few readers nominated The Glasshouse, and two eccentrics admitted they'd been reflecting fondly on the days when Big Brother gave them something to bitch about.

That kind of response is why The Bogies are the highlight of this column's year. Now the nominations are in, and you have the opportunity to vent your rage against the networks. The results will be announced in this column on May 2 -- coincidentally the very weekend when some other TV awards will also be announced.

THE BOGIE NOMINATIONS, 2009

Most unnecessary personality: Krystal Forscutt; Lara Bingle; Ricki-Lee Coulter; Giaan Rooney; Fifi Box; Tom Williams; Emazon.

Most unnecessary program: Bondi Vet; Sunrise; Triple Zero Heroes; Guerilla Gardeners; Sunday Night; Yum Cha; Celebrity Singing Bee.

Most unnecessary adaptation of an overseas show: Customs; Wipeout Australia; Aussie Ladette to Lady; Top Gear Australia; Life On Mars (US); Kath and Kim (US).

Most offputting commercial: The Ped Egg; "The one where surprise is every second word in the jingle"; It's A Beautiful Day for cancer; "The one with the beaver"; Valvoline; The good guys; "The funeral insurance ads"; Pepsi Max; "the impotence one with the guys playing the piano".

Best use of breasts to exploit viewers' base instincts: True Blood; Underbelly: A Tale of Two Cities; Satisfaction; Nigella Express; 30 Rock.

Worst attempt at an accent from a country not your own: Matthew Newton (in Underbelly 2); "Whoever plays Terry Clarke's supposedly Scottish offsider in Underbelly 2"; Damien Lewis (in Life); Melissa George (in Grey's Anatomy).

Most Underrated: 30 Rock; Good Game; Prison Break; Dexter; Review by Miles Barlow; The Einstein Factor; In Treatment; ABC2 News Breakfast; Out of the Blue; Eli Stone; Rush.

Furthest fallen from former finery: House; Neighbours; Grey's Anatomy; Lost.

Most annoying person: Ajay Rochester; Danny Weidler; David Koch; Georgie Parker; James Brayshaw; Andrew O'Keefe; Charlie Cox; Sam Newman; Jason Coleman.

Most overhyped: So You Think You Can Dance Australia; Underbelly 2; Packed to the Rafters; Lie to Me; The Footy Show.

Most repeated: Two and a Half Men; Love Actually; About a Boy; MASH; The Simpsons; Inspector Rex; "The SBS show about the clitoris"; Guthy Renker; Gordon Ramsay.

Most jerked around by the networks: 24; Without A Trace; CSI Miami; Scrubs; Out of The Blue; Cold Case; ER; Ugly Betty.

Most missed: Newstopia; Absolute Power; Big Brother; Enough Rope; The Chaser; Mother and Son; The Glasshouse; Foyle's War; Deadwood; The Panel Christmas Special.

Most wooden presenter (The Pinocchio award): Jennifer Hawkins, Ajay Rochester; Natalie Bassingthwaighte; Sandra Sully.

Most embarrassing program (the Naomi Robson Cup): The Biggest Loser; Today on Sunday; A Current Affair; WWE Afterburn; Today Tonight.

Furthest past use-by date (the Bert Newton Trophy): Dancing With The Stars; Paul McDermott; Australia's Got Talent; Red Symons; Richard Wilkins; Catriona Rowntree; Kerri-Anne Kennerley; Todd McKenney.

The Black Bogie (the Eddie McGuire Chalice): Kyle Sandilands; Ajay Rochester; Todd Mckenney; Andrew OKeefe.

Over to you.

Here's how you vote: Go to Comments and choose one candidate from each category in the list above (or add new names and categories if you think we've missed something).

• by David Dale at 05:38 PM
• Comments (227)

The Tribal Mind: Capturing the zeitgeist on film

To nominate Australia's most thought-provoking places, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
Some films sell a lot of tickets and are forgotten ten minutes after you leave the multiplex. Other films make less money but are recognized years later as having captured the spirit of their times. Lets call them the zeitgeist flicks.

The perfect example is Wall Street, which gave a name to the 80s: "The greed is good decade" (although you could also make a case for the 80s zeitflick being Fatal Attraction, Working Girl or Trading Places).

The zeitflick of the 50s was Rebel Without A Cause. The 60s ended with Easy Rider. Shampoo or Saturday Night Fever symbolised the 70s. I'd say the 90s zeitflick was American Beauty, but if you were under 30, it was Reality Bites and if you were under 20, it was Clueless.

Last weekend I saw the zeitflick of the Noughties. I rest my entire case on this quote: "I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It's exhausting." Can you identify which of the following movies that came from?

The highest grossing films so far in 2009: Gran Torino $14.9 million; He's Just Not That Into You $14.2m; Yes Man $13.5m; Bride Wars $11.5 m; Bolt $11.3m; Marley and Me $9.8m. (This doesn't include Twilight at $21.6m or Slumdog Millionaire at $18.6m, because they started their runs last year).

Clue: One is a drama about social stereotypes, one is a slapstick farce, two are about heroic dogs, and two are comedies about female friendship.

That probably didn't help you narrow the answer down to He's Just Not That Into You. Its main message seems to be that most men are bastards and most women are idiots, but that's been said in several previous decades. What's particular about the Noughties, and about this film, is that our means of communication have multiplied a hundredfold, and yet we still don't understand each other.

The observation I quoted above is made by a character called Mary, played by Drew Barrymore, whose production company bought the rights to turn HJNTIY from a book into a film. Barrymore gave herself the role of Mary because she shared her view on communication: "I would call the writers all the time and say 'I really want to talk about how confused I am with technology'. This is a new era, a new generation. What does this text message mean? A hundred years ago we waited months at a time for just a letter. We're living in a day and age where everything is instant gratification in the pocket of your jeans."

Before I saw HJNTIY, I was tossing up among several other candidates for the zeitflick of this decade. Syriana gives a pretty good explanation of why people become terrorists. Little Fish says something about multicultural suburbia. Michael Clayton portrays the ruthlessness of big business. Babel shows the interconnectedness of nations. The Dark Knight appears to be about urban alienation and individual responsibility, but might only be deep on the surface. Just about anything Meryl Streep has done in the past nine years made some point about modern life.

But sitting in the cinema for HJNTIY, I noticed several young women had their phones in their hands and were sending text messages as they watched the film. Presumably they were telling their friends about its best lines. Perhaps they were texting Drew Barrymore's remark about being rejected on seven different technologies. And that's what the iDecade is all about.

To nominate other zeitflicks for the Noughties, go to Comments

• by David Dale at 10:55 AM
• Comments (4)

The Who We Are update: Week 14

This week of the blog is now a heritage item -- worth studying but no longer current. For the latest discussion of popular culture in Australia, bookmark blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
To vote for TV's most embarrassing, annoying and underrated, go to The Bogie Awards.
To name Australia's most thought-provoking places, go to Who We Are.

The ratings race, updated 10 am Monday
What metaphor should we use for Channel Seven's previously successful programming schedule: a line of dominoes or a house of cards? Either way, the removal of one show almost brought the structure down. Without Packed to the Rafters, Seven was on the brink of turning into number two. It was only the prayers of The Vicar of Dibley that saved Seven on Saturday night.

Seven won the week with 27.7 per cent of the prime time audience. Nine was winning until Saturday, but ended up with 27.4 per cent (and the highest share of viewers aged 18-49). That's because its programming structure is just as fragile, built almost entirely upon Underbelly 2.

Only Ten had any reason to be cracking the champagne this week. Thanks to NCIS, Bondi Rescue, The Biggest Loser and SYTYCDA, it won with viewers aged 16-39 and managed 23.3 per cent of the total audience (with the ABC on a healthy 16.9 and SBS on a sickly 4.7).

Here's Pay TV's account of itself for the week: "The Socceroos set a new audience record for subscription TV when 431,000 viewers watched Live: Football: World Cup Qualifier Aust. v Uzbekistan on FOX Sports, the biggest audience ever to a program on STV. In other sport this week, Live: NRL Storm v Titans was watched by 275,000 people, 223,000 viewers watched Live: AFL Geelong v Richmond, 95,000 watched Live: Rugby Union: S14 Waratahs v Storm and Live: Football: EPL Blackburn v Tott was seen by 82,000 viewers (all on FOX Sports).

"In entertainment programming, Family Guy on FOX8 was seen by 150,000 people, NCIS on TV1 was seen by 131,000 viewers and Grand Designs on Lifestyle had its biggest audience of the year with 88,000 people. 86,000 people watched As the Bell Rings on Disney Channel, Friends on 111 Hits had its best audience of the year-to-date with 81,000 people as did Handy Manny on Playhouse Disney with 74,000 people."

This week we enter the black hole that is the Easter "non-ratings period". This column will continue to update you on how many are watching the parade of repeats and second-raters the networks have planned for us.

What Australia watched, week ending April 4, 2009
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 UNDERBELLY: A TALE OF TWO CITIES Nine 2,128,000 689,000 655,000 322,000 214,000 247,000
2 THE FARMER WANTS A WIFE Nine 1,599,000 426,000 513,000 331,000 124,000 204,000
3 BORDER SECURITY Seven 1,559,000 414,000 409,000 341,000 177,000 218,000
4 NCIS Ten 1,552,000 465,000 375,000 344,000 174,000 195,000
5 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,537,000 452,000 409,000 301,000 160,000 215,000
6 CUSTOMS Nine 1,506,000 414,000 477,000 300,000 155,000 161,000
7 BONDI RESCUE Ten 1,504,000 514,000 363,000 309,000 139,000 179,000
8 FIND MY FAMILY Seven 1,489,000 439,000 437,000 256,000 150,000 208,000
9 RSPCA ANIMAL RESCUE Seven 1,438,000 427,000 435,000 240,000 146,000 191,000
10 THE BIGGEST LOSER (AUS) - THE WEIGH-IN Ten 1,420,000 419,000 380,000 322,000 118,000 181,000
11 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,404,000 406,000 383,000 278,000 132,000 205,000
12 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,398,000 375,000 382,000 308,000 126,000 206,000
13 BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS Seven 1,395,000 401,000 473,000 187,000 165,000 168,000
14 SEVEN NEWS - SUN Seven 1,383,000 342,000 328,000 358,000 158,000 197,000
15 THE FARMER WANTS A WIFE -REUNION Nine 1,382,000 367,000 431,000 292,000 116,000 175,000
16 NINE NEWS SUNDAY Nine 1,376,000 425,000 428,000 265,000 148,000 110,000
17 NCIS RPT Ten 1,338,000 395,000 381,000 261,000 148,000 151,000
18 ALL SAINTS Seven 1,313,000 446,000 372,000 200,000 137,000 158,000
19 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE AUSTRALIA Ten 1,305,000 391,000 404,000 254,000 107,000 149,000
20 CITY HOMICIDE Seven 1,296,000 331,000 417,000 252,000 140,000 156,000

• by David Dale at 09:16 AM
• Comments (49)

The Tribal Mind: A nice slice of niche, just for you

To nominate Australia's most thought-provoking places, go to Who We Are.
To find out who Australians like the best, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
The lesbian sub-plot in Grey's Anatomy has clearly not turned off the women of Australia - it's the number six most watched show of the week with female viewers aged 25-54. But it's driving the men away in their thousands - with male viewers, Grey's Anatomy is number 68.

Bert Newton's unfortunate resemblance to a melting wax dummy has not discouraged cool young adults from watching the latest incarnation of his nostalgia series 20 to 1. It's the number 10 most watched of the week with viewers aged 16-39. The explanation may lie in Channel Nine's ploy of putting the words "Adults Only" in front of the title, thereby suggesting that 20 to 1 has suddenly developed some of the attractions of Underbelly, which is number one with younger viewers.

The violence and nudity of Underbelly has not turned off the senior citizens of Australia - it's the number four most watched show with viewers aged over 55, although their number one is the sedate and sentimental Find My Family.

The Gruen Transfer stabs at the very heart of the capitalist system - the right of big business to con poor people out of their money - and yet it is the second most watched show of Wednesday (after Spicks and Specks) with the richest viewers in the land - the category known as OG1/2 (the highest and second highest earning occupation groups).

Sadly, it is only the ninth most watched show of Wednesday with the group known as Grocery Buyers, who might benefit from Gruen's advice. On Wednesdays, the GBs prefer Criminal Minds and Australia's Got Talent, where advertisers can reach them unfiltered.

Welcome to the new demographics of television, aka the niching of Australia, where programmers no longer ask "How many people watch that show?" but instead ask "What kind of people watch that show".

Each morning the ratings measurement agency OzTAM delivers to its subscribers a dissection of the previous night's audience by age, by gender, by geography and by wealth. Then the advertisers know where to get the biggest bang for their buck.

It's possible now to answer the two questions all viewers shout at the screen sooner or later: "Why did they take off that terrific program, when it has plenty of viewers?" and "Why do they keep showing that ridiculous program, which only an idiot would watch?" The answers will be "Because it doesn't attract the particular niche the advertisers want" and "There's always something you can sell to an idiot" (or, if it's the ABC, "even idiots are entitled to have programming specially for them".)

Lets do the demo division dance, based on OzTAM rating dissections over the past two weeks ...

The under 40s prefer So You Think You Can Dance Australia, Rove, Two and a Half Men, How I Met Your Mother, Aussie Ladette to Lady;
and avoid 60 Minutes, City Homicide, Today Tonight, A Current Affair, and Better Homes and Gardens.

The over 55s prefer Find My Family, Seven news, New Tricks, Border Security, and RSPCA Animal Rescue;
and avoid Adults Only 20 to 1, Desperate Housewives, Two and a Half Men, Domestic Blitz, and Wipeout Australia.

Men 25-54 prefer Adults Only 20-1, Crime Investigation Australia, Top Gear, The Footy Show and Two and a Half Men;
and avoid Animal Rescue, Grey's Anatomy, Bondi Vet, Desperate Housewives, and Medium.

Women 25-54 prefer Brothers and Sisters, Grey's Anatomy; Desperate Housewives, The Biggest Loser, and The Farmer Wants A Wife;
and avoid Getaway, The Simpsons, The Footy Show, Top Gear, and Law and Order.

The highest earners prefer: NCIS, Spicks and Specks, The Gruen Transfer, Adults Only 20 to 1, and Lie To Me;
and avoid Bondi Vet, Medium, Home and Away, Domestic Blitz, and A Current Affair.

The Grocery Buyers prefer Find My Family, RSPCA Animal Rescue, Better Homes and Gardens, Today Tonight All Saints;
and avoid Wipeout Australia, Rove, How I Met Your Mother, House, and Aussie Ladette To Lady.

And of course, everybody loves Underbelly and Packed To The Rafters. They are all that's left of mass market television.

Tell us how you fit with your supposed niche at Comments

• by David Dale at 08:24 PM
• Comments (13)

The Tribal Mind: Safe inside, not even looking out

To nuance the Buzz Word of the Year, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
The pundits are propounding a theory that Australians have started cocooning again -- retreating into their castles and pulling up the drawbridge.

The last time we went into cocoon mode was between 2002 and 2004, in reaction to the terrorist attacks in New York and Bali. The key signs were a rise in cinema attendance (as we escaped into fantasies), a rise in DVD sales (ditto), and a preference for TV shows that were safe, cheerful and reassuring - such as Backyard Blitz, Better Homes and Gardens, Our House, and CSI (which demonstrated that all crimes could be neatly resolved in an hour).

That kind of retreat is supposed to be happening this year, in response to the Global Financial Crisis, but I'm not convinced. For a brief moment, most Australians are actually better off now than they were a year ago, thanks to handouts from the federal government and lower mortgage repayments. Why would we retreat yet? Lets examine the evidence.

If we were escaping into fantasy, cinema takings would be up. In America, birthplace of the GFC, total box office for the first 10 weeks of the year was 16 percent higher than for the same period last year. But here, the box office seems to be plummeting. Ticket sales have been down, on average, 10 per cent every week since the beginning of February, with brief upturns when He's Just Not That Into You opened and when Watchmen opened.

But of course, the cinematic slump could fit with the cocooning theory. Perhaps we've decided do all our escapism within the fortress.

If we were cocooning, we'd be buying DVDs. The research organisation GfK Australia tells me DVD sales during February were down 4 per cent on the previous February. But there may be significance in the kind of entertainment Australians are choosing. These were the top sellers last month: How I Met Your Mother series 3; Wall-E; The Dark Knight; The Hills season 3; Underbelly series 1; Two and a Half Men season 4; Burn After Reading; Mamma Mia!; Veronica Mars season 3; House Bunny. Half of the top sellers are boxed sets containing many hours of programming already shown on television. It certainly looks as if Australia is stocking up for a long night in.

If we were cocooning, we'd be watching more television. A dissection of OzTAM ratings shows that the average number of people in the mainland capitals watching TV in prime time this February was down 3 per cent on February last year for the free networks and up 7 per cent for Pay TV, which adds up to no extra viewers overall. But those who do watch seem to be doing it more. The average time urban Australians spend watching TV between 6am and midnight is 28 hours a week, which is up 2 per cent on last year. A small trend, if not exactly staggering.

Perhaps there's more to learn from the kind of TV we're consuming. Two of the favourites of our last cocooning period -- Better Homes and Gardens and CSI are still on the air, but are both down in audience. The most "lifestylist" of the current crop, Domestic Blitz, has 400,000 fewer fans than last year.

The most watched show of the moment is Underbelly: A Tale of Two Cities, which is far from a warm bath. Next come Packed to the Rafters and Find My Family, which emphasise traditional values and the power of love. But they were also our favourites last year, when we needed no reassurance.

Conclusion: There is no clear evidence that Australia has started panicking yet. This column will run the same tests every three months until the GFC is over, and get back to you. In the meantime, give us your theories at Comments

• by David Dale at 12:31 PM
• Comments (5)

The Tribal Mind: What 70s symptoms are you seeing?

To solve the mysteries of Australia's justice system, like why you're more likely to be found innocent in Canberra, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
This column's job is to spot trends early enough for you to take advantage of them, but sometimes I need help. Here's the dilemma I want you to solve: Is The New Big Thing in television bare breasts or is it a fully-fledged return to the 1970s, of which the current breast explosion is only one symptom?

A week ago, when it became apparent that the audience for Underbelly 2 drops by 200,000 whenever the show reduces its mammary display, I was going for the breasts-only option. But then I saw Juanita Phillips on the ABC news. As everyone knows, hairdressers are always the first to sense a shift in the zeitgeist, and the people who do Phillips's hair are clearly convinced the 70s are back. Every night she grows more like Farrah Fawcett Majors.

If we take this as support for the nostalgia scenario, Underbelly 2 becomes the Number 96 of our decade. When that saucy soap was launched in 1972, one daily paper used this headline: "Tonight Australian television loses its virginity". So now we're losing it again, touched for the very second time.

The nudity in Number 96 did not cause the promiscuity of the 70s -- it reflected the relaxed values of the day. The breast fetish of Underbelly 2 (which, as it happens, is set in the 70s) could be the first sign of a relaxation in the puritanism that has inhibited TV programming in the uptight Noughties.

If we are returning to the Decade That Style Forgot, Channel Ten's new series Life on Mars puts a precise date on it. That program's premise is that a 21st century cop is mysteriously transported to 1973, a fate he rapidly comes to embrace, visiting record shops to pick up "old vinyl LPs", and shouting at the TV screen when he sees President Nixon: "Oh, go on and resign already - we know you will."

When you think about it, we could do a lot worse than 1973 as a target for nostalgia. That was the year when Pink Floyd released Dark Side of the Moon. The Vietnam War ended. Australia had an energetic new government making reforms in health, education, the environment, the arts and Aboriginal affairs. The Opera House opened. The Sting and Alvin Purple were our favourite movies. And Abba hadn't started yet. Bring it on, I say.

Then again, the return of the breast to prime time television could just be a result of Channel Nine's desperation to beat Channel Seven, and those other 70s symptoms could be mere coincidence.

That seems to be the view of this column's readers. Two weeks ago The Tribal Mind sought nominations for the 2009 Bogie Awards, which honour the most embarrassing, annoying and underrated programs and people on Australian television. I suggested that Underbelly 2, Satisfaction and True Blood might be candidates in a category called "Best Use of Breasts To Exploit Viewers' Base Instincts". (I forgot to acknowledge the pioneering work of Ghost Whisperer in making this category necessary, even if Jennifer Love Hewitt dresses more modestly when meeting the departed these days).

Alert reader Darren added two more candidates to the list: Nigella Express and The Biggest Loser, but asked "Are man-boobs breasts?"

Another reader, Neil, suggested a game for viewers: "We should all partake in the mood that the producers intended and skull a drink for each [breast] we see. There wouldn't be a sober house in the country ... Still, it is nice to see Aussie drama. Just don't treat us all like mindless sex fiends!"

Other new categories this year include Most Tragic Victim of Hairdressing (see above for the prime candidate, pictured in happier hair days); Saddest Comedy; Least Credible Newsreader; Furthest Fallen From Former Finery; and Worst Attempt at an Accent Not From Your Own Homeland.

But of course, the "Best Use of Breasts" category may be cruel and unnecessary, if we decide that the producers who specialize in chest exposure are simply paying homage to a precious period in 20th century history. That's for you to judge. Go to Comments to give us your theory. And to nominate candidates for TV's hall of shame, go to The Bogies.

• by David Dale at 08:56 PM
• Comments (10)

The Who We Are update: Week 12

To find out which niche the advertisers put you in, go to The Tribal Mind.

To nuance the Buzz Word of the Year, go to Who We Are.

The ratings race, updated 10 am Sunday
Channel Seven won the week, averaging 28.5 per cent of the prime time audience, while Nine got 26.7 per cent (thanks to U2 and Customs), Ten 22.7 (thanks to dancers and NCIS), ABC 16.8 (Thanks to Specks and Gruen) and SBS 5.3 (thanks to Top Gear). With Packed To The Rafters taking a break for a few months, Seven may have trouble holding its lead next week.

This was Pay TV's account of itself for the week: "Rugby League, Rugby Union and cricket drew great audiences on FOX Sports viewers. Live: NRL Dragons v Titans was watched by 282,000 viewers; the first day's play in the final test in South Africa, Live: Cricket: Test RSA v Aus Day 1 S1, was viewed by 277,000 people and 88,000 people watched the NSW Waratahs play the Canterbury Crusaders in Live: Rugby Union: S14 Waratahs v Crus. On Sky Racing, Sky Raceday also proved popular, being seen by 69,000 people.

"In entertainment programming, numerous programs achieved record audiences. TV1's NCIS was watched by 147,000 people, the program's biggest audience ever. On Sunday morning, The Simpsons on FOX8 drew 110,000 people and Disney Channel's Hannah Montana was watched by 93,000. This week, Bargain Hunt on Lifestyle was seen by 80,000, Waking the Dead on UKTV had its largest audience since 2007 with 79,000 viewers and Motorway Cops on Crime and Investigation also had an all-time record audience with 77,000 people. That '70s Show on 111 Hits was watched by 71,000 people (a record for the program on the channel) and Handy Manny was seen by 66,000 people, a record for the program too. "

What Australia watched, week ending March 21
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 UNDERBELLY: A TALE OF TWO CITIES Nine 2,174,000 632,000 728,000 374,000 205,000 236,000
2 PACKED TO THE RAFTERS Seven 1,887,000 536,000 618,000 332,000 182,000 219,000
3 SEVEN NEWS - SUN Seven 1,583,000 388,000 442,000 348,000 175,000 231,000
4 FIND MY FAMILY Seven 1,558,000 427,000 469,000 282,000 164,000 217,000
5 BORDER SECURITY Seven 1,523,000 424,000 480,000 296,000 141,000 182,000
6 RSPCA ANIMAL RESCUE Seven 1,502,000 421,000 435,000 277,000 157,000 213,000
7 CUSTOMS Nine 1,469,000 360,000 508,000 307,000 147,000 147,000
8 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,459,000 370,000 394,000 313,000 163,000 219,000
9 NINE NEWS SUNDAY Nine 1,450,000 350,000 476,000 321,000 173,000 130,000
10 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,365,000 342,000 372,000 302,000 149,000 200,000
11 NCIS Ten 1,359,000 412,000 323,000 259,000 170,000 196,000
12 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,333,000 340,000 413,000 253,000 135,000 192,000
13 BONDI RESCUE Ten 1,330,000 433,000 297,000 288,000 129,000 184,000
14 60 MINUTES Nine 1,327,000 367,000 398,000 273,000 139,000 149,000
15 AUSTRALIA'S GOT TALENT Seven 1,325,000 365,000 402,000 266,000 138,000 155,000
16 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE AUSTRALIA Ten 1,292,000 351,000 395,000 270,000 123,000 154,000

• by David Dale at 05:20 AM
• Comments (64)

The Who We Are update: Week 11

To discuss whether alarmed Australians have started cocooning again, go to The Tribal Mind.

To get an early clue on what will be the Buzz Word of the Year, go to Who We Are.

The ratings race, updated 10 am Sunday
Having two hit shows is not enough. Underbelly wins Monday night for Nine, and Two and a Half Men performs well every night, but Seven has fallen into the comfortable pattern of averaging 29.4 per cent of the prime time audience, while Nine manages 27.8, Ten 21.5, ABC 16.0 and SBS 5.3. The only difference this week will be a rise for the ABC, thanks to the arrival of The Gruen Transfer. Lets call it now: Nine is stuffed for the year.

Here's Pay TV's account of itself for the week: "On Saturday evening, Live: Sound Relief Melbourne was watched by an average 220,000 viewers, while Live: Sound Relief Sydney was watched by 121,000 people. Across the day, 1.2m viewers turned into the concerts, which were broadcast live in their entirety by Channel [V] from the MCG in Melbourne and by Max from the SCG in Sydney. In other entertainment programming this week, Twister on TV1 was watched by 122,000 people.

"In sport, Live: Cricket: Test RSA v AUS Day 4 S1 was watched by 353,000 people, the first week of the NRL saw 296,000 viewers watch Live: NRL Bulldogs v Sea Eagles and 241 watch Warrior v Eels. Live: Rugby Union: S14 Brum v Waratahs was seen by 120,000 subscribers. STV channels accounted for 24.5% of all metropolitan viewing between 6am and midnight, was 22.5% of all regional viewing and 61.8% of all viewing in subscription TV homes."

What Australia watched, week ending March 14
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 UNDERBELLY: A TALE OF TWO CITIES Nine 2,269,000 731,000 690,000 358,000 214,000 275,000
2 PACKED TO THE RAFTERS Seven 1,817,000 524,000 574,000 306,000 199,000 214,000
3 SEVEN NEWS - SUN Seven 1,602,000 436,000 393,000 416,000 140,000 217,000
4 BORDER SECURITY Seven 1,548,000 512,000 389,000 346,000 122,000 179,000
5 FIND MY FAMILY Seven 1,545,000 383,000 498,000 299,000 178,000 187,000
6 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,468,000 390,000 401,000 306,000 165,000 207,000
7 RSPCA ANIMAL RESCUE Seven 1,416,000 355,000 412,000 312,000 160,000 176,000
8 NCIS Ten 1,412,000 391,000 392,000 287,000 165,000 176,000
9 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,345,000 344,000 397,000 290,000 133,000 181,000
10 AUSTRALIA'S GOT TALENT Seven 1,344,000 351,000 407,000 274,000 151,000 161,000
11 CRIMINAL MINDS Seven 1,337,000 345,000 413,000 277,000 137,000 166,000
12 CUSTOMS Nine 1,334,000 369,000 403,000 274,000 136,000 152,000
13 TRIPLE ZERO HEROES Seven 1,334,000 395,000 327,000 308,000 119,000 185,000
14 ADULTS ONLY 20 TO 1 Nine 1,317,000 398,000 406,000 238,000 131,000 144,000
15 BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS Seven 1,316,000 367,000 433,000 200,000 166,000 149,000
16 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,301,000 334,000 350,000 290,000 141,000 186,000
17 CRIME INVESTIGATION AUSTRALIA Nine 1,238,000 426,000 344,000 182,000 112,000 174,000
18 ALL SAINTS Seven 1,220,000 379,000 388,000 167,000 142,000 144,000
19 NINE NEWS SUNDAY Nine 1,214,000 378,000 373,000 259,000 122,000 81,000
20 TWO AND A HALF MEN -MON Nine 1,196,000 325,000 376,000 253,000 111,000 131,000

• by David Dale at 09:09 AM
• Comments (64)

The Tribal Mind: Register your Bogie nominations

by David Dale
PERFECT breasts. That's what it takes to make a hit TV show these days. Perfect New Zealand breasts, to be precise. Plus some sort of crime story that will justify displaying the breasts at least five times per episode.

The PBs in the first two episodes of Underbelly 2 belonged to Jenna Lind, who plays Maria Muhary, the kiwi girlfriend of drug dealer Terry Clark. In the third episode, the PBs belonged to Anna Hutchison, who plays Alison Dine, the other kiwi girlfriend of Terry Clark (his first girlfriend's PBs having ceased to be available for public viewing, because she had become a mother). The second PBs were slightly smaller than the first PBs, but still able to be aesthetically appreciated by persons of all genders and sexual orientations.

Tonight the radio broadcaster Kate Ritchie joins the cast of U2. We suspect that persons hoping to see her PBs will be disappointed (because she plays a mother). But no doubt there will be other compensations -- the producers know they must feed the addiction they created, to sustain audiences above 2 million.

With any luck, they've started a trend that will carry Australian television back to the glory days of Number 96. "Bare the breast" could replace "jump the shark" as industry jargon for a desperate strategy to raise ratings. All of which brings us to this column's big announcement: We are hereby opening nominations for the 2009 Bogie Awards (television's Hall of Shame), and introducing an extra category: "Best Use Of Breasts To Exploit Viewers' Base Instincts".

With the Oscars out of the way, it's the television industry's turn to pat itself on the back. TV Week magazine is already accepting nominations for the Logies (to be announced on May 3), so we're doing the same for our alternative awards.

These are some of the categories for which we are seeking your input:
Most annoying person (won lost year by Kyle Sandilands);
Most unnecessary personality (last year, Jackie O);
Most offputting commercial (the Commonwealth Bank Mad Max koala ad);
Most unnecessary program (Out Of The Question);
Most unnecessary adaptation of an overseas show (Top Gear Australia);
Most overhyped (Cashmere Mafia);
Most Underrated (the UK version of Life On Mars);
Most jerked around by the networks (Scrubs);
Most missed (The Chaser's War On Everything);
Most repeated (The Simpsons);
Most embarrassing program - the Naomi Robson Cup (shared by Today Tonight and A Current Affair);
Furthest past use-by date - the Bert Newton Trophy (Daryl Somers);
The Black Bogie -- the Eddie McGuire Chalice (Kyle Sandilands).

And, new this year, Best Use of Breasts. If you assume U2 has a lock on this award, that would be because you don't have Foxtel, which offers at least two other candidates -- Satisfaction (the tale of a Melbourne brothel that employs impossibly beautiful courtesans) and True Blood (the tale of a Louisiana village where even the vampires are sex-obsessed). And by the time our awards are presented, BUB nominees may well include A Current Affair, Rove and Domestic Blitz.

Feel free to nominate more categories as well as people and programs. Go to Your Bogie votes and vent your spleen.

• by David Dale at 11:22 PM
• Comments (50)

The Who We Are update: Week 10

To learn why Australia is losing its virginity again, go to The Tribal Mind.

To find out what, how and whether Australians read, go to Who We Are.

The ratings race, updated 8 am Monday
Channel Seven easily won the first "normal" week of the ratings year, averaging 30.0 per cent of the prime time audience, to Nine's 27.0 (Ten 21.7 thanks to NCIS and SYTYCDA, ABC 15.4, thanks to Spicks and Specks, and SBS 5.5, thanks to Top Gear).

This is likely to be the pattern for the first half. Nine is already so resigned to losing that it does not even quote the "total people" results in its weekly release, restricting itself to narrower audience bands such as 16-39 and 25-54, where it does better.

This was Pay TV's acount of itself for the week: "The Australian cricket team's tour of South Africa proved popular this week with Friday night's live coverage of the second test, Live: Cricket: Test RSA v Aus Day 1 S2, watched by 355,000 viewers (the second highest audience ever for cricket on subscription TV). In other sport, Live: AFL: NAB Cup Carlton v Hawthorn was seen by 225,000 people, the Socceroos' efforts to compete in the next Asian Football Cup were viewed by 198,000 people in Live: Football: AFC Asian Cup Qualifiers Aust v Kuwait and the Rugby rivalry between NSW & Queensland drew 145,000 people to Friday night's match Live: Rugby Union: S14 Waratahs v Reds (all on FOX Sports).

"In entertainment programming, The Simpsons on FOX8 on Saturday morning was watched by 140,000 people, Family Guy (also on FOX8) on Tuesday night was seen by 116,000 and TV1's broadcast of NCIS on Sunday night was viewed by 106,000 people. In week 10, for the third week in a row, subscription TV was the number one source of television across Australia. STV channels accounted for 24.7% of all metropolitan viewing between 6am and midnight,"

What Australia watched, week ending March 7
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 UNDERBELLY: A TALE OF TWO CITIES Nine 2,234,000 720,000 739,000 365,000 197,000 214,000
2 PACKED TO THE RAFTERS Seven 1,875,000 547,000 621,000 297,000 175,000 235,000
3 FIND MY FAMILY Seven 1,641,000 415,000 570,000 285,000 151,000 221,000
4 RSPCA ANIMAL RESCUE Seven 1,546,000 416,000 484,000 291,000 142,000 214,000
5 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,514,000 391,000 450,000 294,000 175,000 204,000
6 BORDER SECURITY Seven 1,490,000 397,000 479,000 310,000 141,000 164,000
7 NCIS Ten 1,480,000 445,000 397,000 298,000 162,000 178,000
8 SEVEN NEWS - SUN Seven 1,473,000 368,000 432,000 338,000 148,000 186,000
9 CUSTOMS Nine 1,374,000 427,000 390,000 254,000 144,000 158,000
10 CRIMINAL MINDS Seven 1,361,000 359,000 396,000 261,000 156,000 188,000
11 AUSTRALIA'S GOT TALENT Seven 1,343,000 329,000 459,000 237,000 157,000 162,000
12 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,341,000 330,000 396,000 274,000 149,000 192,000
13 BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS Seven 1,335,000 397,000 376,000 258,000 138,000 165,000
14 TRIPLE ZERO HEROES Seven 1,320,000 331,000 407,000 296,000 133,000 153,000
15 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE AUSTRALIA Ten 1,296,000 384,000 460,000 250,000 103,000 99,000
16 NCIS RPT Ten 1,270,000 371,000 360,000 236,000 149,000 153,000
17 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,267,000 359,000 326,000 284,000 146,000 152,000
18 CITY HOMICIDE Seven 1,253,000 315,000 397,000 253,000 130,000 157,000
Continued here.

• by David Dale at 09:03 AM
• Comments (83)

The Who We Are update: Week 9

To find out what, how and whether Australians read, go to Who We Are.

To nominate the most annoying, embarrassing and underrated people or programs for this year's Bogie awards, go to The Tribal Mind.

The ratings race, updated 10 am Sunday
Despite having the most watched series and the most successful Oscars broadcast in years, Channel Nine could not win the week. This seems likely to be the pattern for the first half of 2009: Seven averaged 28.5 per cent of the prime time audience, while Nine got 27.9, Ten 21.3 (thanks to NCIS, SYTYCDA and LTM), ABC 16.1 (thanks mainly to Spicks and Specks, with The Gruen Transfer bound to boost the numbers from mid-March) and SBS 6.1 (a rise due almost entirely to Top Gear, which seems to have stolen viewers from Underbelly by going half an hour longer than usual).

Is this column silly enough to predict the year, only two weeks into "official" ratings? You bet we are. Seven to win, with slightly reduced audience share, Nine up slightly, Ten the same, ABC down slightly, SBS the same.

And of course, Pay TV will be up considerably, mainly due to sport. This was Pay's account of itself for last week: "For the second week running, subscription TV was the number one source of TV viewing across Australia. In week 9, 2009 STV channels accounted for 24.2% of all metropolitan viewing between 6am and midnight, was 21.9% of all regional viewing and 61.2% of all viewing in subscription TV homes. This week in particular saw an abundance of high quality sporting events on subscription TV as the summer seasons finished and the winter competitions commenced.

"Live: Cricket: Test RSA v Aus Session 2 was watched by 307,000 viewers on Saturday night; 246,000 viewers watched Melbourne Victory prevail over Adelaide FC in Live: Football: A-League Grand Final and 172,000 watched the thrilling conclusion of the domestic one day cricket as Queensland beat Victoria in Live: Cricket: Ford Ranger Cup Final. With the commencement of the winter football codes, Live: AFL: NAB Cup Sydney v Port Adel was watched by 154,000 people; 106,000 subscribers watched the Rabitohs beat St. George in their traditional season opener Live: Rugby League: Charity Shield and 100,000 watched the Waratahs win their third game on the trot in Live: Rugby Union: S14 W'tahs v H'land. In entertainment programming, The Simpsons on Saturday morning was watched by 156,000 people, and M*A*S*H on Tuesday night was seen by 104,000."

What Australia watched, week ending February 28
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 UNDERBELLY: A TALE OF TWO CITIES Nine 2,334,000 783,000 722,000 373,000 214,000 242,000
2 PACKED TO THE RAFTERS Seven 1,839,000 566,000 597,000 309,000 165,000 202,000
3 FIND MY FAMILY Seven 1,635,000 475,000 505,000 282,000 171,000 202,000
4 RSPCA ANIMAL RESCUE Seven 1,507,000 422,000 457,000 278,000 165,000 185,000
5 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,440,000 383,000 409,000 278,000 170,000 200,000
6 NCIS Ten 1,388,000 413,000 356,000 295,000 155,000 168,000
7 BORDER SECURITY Seven 1,384,000 376,000 457,000 268,000 126,000 157,000
8 AUSTRALIA'S GOT TALENT Seven 1,370,000 397,000 420,000 257,000 139,000 157,000
9 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,365,000 366,000 392,000 255,000 151,000 201,000
10 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,337,000 344,000 373,000 286,000 142,000 193,000
11 CRIMINAL MINDS Seven 1,333,000 364,000 396,000 261,000 143,000 169,000
12 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE AUSTRALIA Ten 1,315,000 398,000 414,000 257,000 105,000 142,000
13 CUSTOMS Nine 1,313,000 395,000 386,000 263,000 118,000 151,000
14 60 MINUTES Nine 1,289,000 354,000 383,000 267,000 139,000 145,000

• by David Dale at 10:37 AM
• Comments (51)

The Who We Are update: Week 8

To nominate people or programs for this year's Bogie awards, go to The Tribal Mind.
To find out who Australians like the best, go to Who We Are.

The ratings race, updated 8am Monday
It's got to be a bad omen for Channel Nine. In a week when it had the top program, with record ratings, it was nevertheless beaten by Channel Seven. The average prime time audience shares went like this: Seven 29.2 per cent; Nine 27.5; Ten 21.5; ABC 16.2; SBS 5.4. Nine just can't get past Seven's Tuesday punch.

Pay TV gave this account of itself for the week: "Subscription TV was the number one source of TV viewing across Australia in week 8 of 2009. STV channels accounted for 23.7% of all metropolitan viewing between 6am and midnight, was 22.1% of all regional viewing and 60.1% of all viewing in subscription TV homes, more than any other network in all of those markets. In live sport this week, Live: Rugby Union: S14 Waratahs v Chiefs on FOX Sports drew 167,000 viewers, Live: AFL: NAB Cup Hawthorn v Melbourne was watched by 142,000 people and the preliminary final of the A-League competition, Live: Football: A-League PF Adel v Qld, was seen by 124,000 subscribers. In entertainment programming, Family Guy on FOX8 was watched by 153,000 people and NCIS on TV1 was watched by 135,000 people. In addition, the premiere of the Will Smith movie I Am Legend on Movie One drew 128,000 people, and 106,000 people watched Hannah Montana on Disney Channel."

What Australia watched, week ending February 21
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 UNDERBELLY: A TALE OF TWO CITIES Nine 2,476,000 823,000 778,000 369,000 241,000 265,000
2 PACKED TO THE RAFTERS Seven 1,740,000 557,000 514,000 293,000 163,000 213,000
3 TWENTY/20 - AUSTRALIA V NEW ZEALAND Nine 1,626,000 482,000 487,000 320,000 184,000 153,000
4 SEVEN NEWS - SUN Seven 1,617,000 434,000 427,000 422,000 154,000 180,000
5 FIND MY FAMILY Seven 1,592,000 462,000 525,000 303,000 131,000 172,000
6 BORDER SECURITY Seven 1,525,000 376,000 505,000 332,000 132,000 180,000
7 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,497,000 401,000 422,000 300,000 165,000 209,000
8 CUSTOMS Nine 1,478,000 469,000 426,000 258,000 153,000 172,000
9 TRIPLE ZERO HEROES Seven 1,453,000 388,000 466,000 294,000 113,000 191,000
10 AUSTRALIA'S GOT TALENT Seven 1,417,000 382,000 434,000 285,000 154,000 163,000
11 RSPCA ANIMAL RESCUE Seven 1,389,000 368,000 450,000 282,000 114,000 175,000
12 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE AUSTRALIA Ten 1,372,000 412,000 460,000 244,000 127,000 129,000
13 TWO AND A HALF MEN Nine 1,371,000 393,000 366,000 318,000 133,000 160,000

• by David Dale at 09:45 AM
• Comments (54)

The Tribal Mind: Now we know who understands Australia

To discuss if Gen X and Y can overcome the boomers, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
We are ready to carry out a postmortem on Australia -- the movie, that is, not the country, which probably still has a year or two of life in it.

Last November, under the heading "How well do you understand the mind and mood of your nation?", this column asked readers to predict the box office for Australia here and in America. We got 172 entries, most of them pessimistic, and many of them vitriolic. You can read them all here.

Today we announce the winners, though what matters is not who was right or wrong, but what we learned from the process, which was that Australians will go to see an Australian movie ...

EVEN WHEN much of its dialogue is embarrassing, its acting is hammy, its special effects are unconvincing, it is an hour too long, its leading actress is unpopular and some critics list it among the worst movies of the year ...

AS LONG AS the story is stirring, the budget is huge, it is massively hyped, and it is showing on more than 500 screens during a holiday period when there isn't much else around.

So now future filmmakers in this country know how to create a hit -- and Australia was definitely that, selling $36.5 million worth of tickets in 12 weeks. This means it was seen by more than 3 million of us (or by Baz Luhrmann 3 million times). It is the third highest grossing local film in history (after Crocodile Dundee, which made $48 million in 1986, and Babe, which made $37 m in 1995) and the number 14 moneymaker of all time here, just ahead of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

The Americans were less keen. It made a modest $US49m there. And across the world it made $US190m. Half those earnings would have gone to the ticket sellers and the distributors, but when the DVDs are done and dusted, it could well cover its budget of $150m.

Two readers came close to the correct figures. They were Cassi, who predicted $A35m and $US50m, and Kate, who predicted $A34m and a world total of $160m. They'll win books which modesty forbids me from naming. And books will also go to ...

Emma, who thought Australia would "resonate with cinema-goers in light of the global financial crisis. The film communicates basic themes that are relevant - in times of hardship, it is your loved ones that matter the most."

Capn Pugwash, who found it "fitting that Australia already represents a perfect summation of everything gone wrong with Australian films in the last decade, and the narrow patronising cultural banality so prevalent during the Howard years."

And Les, who argued: "If they wanted Australia to be successful they would have made the character of Hugh Jackman a serial killer with Nicole Kidman fighting for her life."

They were all correct.

What's your postmortem on Australia? Will you buy the DVD (or, if Luhrmann is consistent with past habits, the five disc box set)? Tell us at Comments. And go to The Films Australia Loved for more background.

• by David Dale at 06:48 PM
• Comments (18)

The Tribal Mind: The superstars of endless summer

by David Dale
Give that woman her own series. The most watched piece of television so far this summer has been Jelena Dokic's last match during the Australian Open, which attracted 2.3 million viewers in the mainland capitals. The men's final, which has been the most watched program of several previous years, drew only 2.2 m this year (for all the record breakers, go to The TV Australia loved).

If this were America, Dokic would by now be hosting a talk show about defeating depression or a reality show about girls freeing themselves from loony fathers. Since this is Australia, she is simply the summer's temporary talking point.

Every silly season seems to throw up one individual who captures the conversation of a nation with nothing better to do. The superstar of early 2008 was Corey Worthington, who went from public nuisance to Big Brother participant. In February 2007, Schapelle Corby's sister Mercedes had her 15 days of fame.

This summer, we've been lucky enough to get two heroes, both with stories much more inspiring than Worthington's. The second was already a familiar figure, mainly because of her impeccable interpretation of an earlier icon, Lindy Chamberlain, in the film Evil Angels. She cemented her place in our hearts during the past three months because she became entangled in Australia's continuing obsession with all things ABBA.

The research organisation GFK Australia has just revealed that the best selling DVD of 2008 was not Underbelly or The Dark Knight, as everyone assumed, but Mamma Mia! Released in November, it is already the number 15 best selling DVD of all time in Australia (just ahead of The Matrix). With 450,000 copies out there, it remains in the top 20 sales chart this week and has a good chance of bumping Finding Nemo off our all-time number one spot, as it has just done in Britain (for full details, go to The DVDs Australia loved).

Mamma Mia! isn't Meryl Streep's only claim on summer stardom. Last Monday The Devil Wears Prada attracted 1.4 million viewers in the mainland capitals, outrating the once unstoppable Desperate Housewives and becoming the most watched TV movie of the past 12 months. Every programmer knows movies don't work on television any more, but Channel Ten took a risk because if anyone can overturn conventional wisdoms, it's Our Meryl.

And in the art cinemas, Streep is knocking them dead in Doubt, where she plays a paranoid nun. Sister Aloysius Beauvier is as different from Donna Sheridan in Mamma Mia! as Donna is from Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada. Compare the performances and you are sure these must be three different actresses.

Which points to a clear conclusion: Streep will have no trouble playing the lead in Baz Luhrmann's next project, Comeback: The Jelena Dokic Story. Unless Dokic gets in first and stars in Chameleon: The Meryl Streep Story, set to the music of Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny and Anni-Frid, and opening in the summer of 2011.

If Meryl Steep is not the greatest actress of all time, tell us who is at Comments. And while you at it, please explain Australia's obsession with ABBA.

To learn why geeky heathens will inherit the earth, go to Who We Are.

• by David Dale at 04:30 AM
• Comments (19)

The Tribal Mind: What will you cut back this year?

To discuss whether spag bol, pad Thai or tiramisu should be our national dish, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
This is a year in which you are going to have to choose which side you're on. There are two types of people in Australia, multiplied by five:

1 Those who like to get their news and insights from printed newspapers Versus Those who are content to scroll through media websites.

2 Those who like to watch movies on the cinema screen Versus Those who don't mind renting a DVD six months later.

3 People who are content with the mass market pap presented by the free to air TV networks (70 per cent of Australians) Versus People who are prepared to pay $60 a month for the greater diversity offered by subscription TV (30 per cent).

4 People who can live with the arrogant and inconsistent programming policies of network television Versus People who are prepared to break copyright laws by going online to download programs (11 million Australians can now hunt and steal their entertainments, because they have broadband internet connections).

5 People who simply enjoy a good story and don't mind if it's delivered via book, play, newspaper, magazine, TV set, cinema screen or computer terminal Versus People who must see the latest thing, even if it's almost indecipherable on the screen of a mobile phone, and even if it's pretty lame.

Which of those ten categories are going to grow this year, and which are going to shrink? If the economic downturn were the only factor in play here, then the shrinkers would be 1A, 2A, 3B, 4B and 5B.

In tough times, why pay $1.30 for a newspaper when you can get most of its content for free online? Why pay $16 to admit one person to a multiplex when four people can watch a DVD for $8? Why buy TV shows when most will be repeated anyway on the free stations? Why subsidise a teenager to waste time on technological bells and whistles when dad just lost his job?

To put it another way: it would be logical to predict declines in Pay TV signups, mobile phone contracts, newspaper circulations and cinema attendances in 2009.

But some of us may give priority to other factors. Photos simply don't look as good, and lengthy journalism is harder to read on a computer screen compared with, say, Good Weekend. A movie such as Slumdog Millionaire has far less power to exhilarate on a small screen. Pay TV now plays new masterpieces that have been ignored or mistreated by free to air - such as In Treatment, The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Mad Men and True Blood.

Money may not be the only thing that matters in Australia's entertainment choices this year ... but we'll certainly go through changes.

How will you alter your entertainment pattern this year ... cancel Foxtel? Stay away from the multiplex? Simplify the mobile contract? Go to Comments to predict the cultural effects of the economic crisis

• by David Dale at 05:38 PM
• Comments (16)

The Who We Are update: Week 7

This week of the blog is now a heritage item - worth studying but no longer immediate. For the latest discussion of Australia's popular culture, go here.
To discuss if Gen X and Y can overcome the boomers, go to Who We Are.
To join the postmortem on Australia, go to The Tribal Mind.

The ratings race, updated 9 am Monday
It was a week of guns, breasts, balls and ashes, with Nine dominating on the first three and Seven dominating on the last. Underbelly 2 gave Nine such a commanding lead on Monday, backed up by the cricket, that Seven could not recover, despite strong bushfire coverage.

Nine won the first official ratings week with 31.6 per cent of the prime time audience (Seven 27.5, Ten 20.4, ABC 15.5, SBS 5.0). The ABC is in a slump, with no programs in the top 30 and its million-plus efforts confined to Spicks and Specks and The 7.30 Report. SBS did best with Top Gear (808,000), Mythbusters (473,000), Long Way Down (383,000) and Rockwiz (359,000).

Ten would be disappointed with The Biggest Loser, but delighted with the continuing success of its new 9.30pm shows Lie To Me and Life on Mars. Are brisk three-word titles the new black in television?

The most watched shows on Pay TV last week included Soccer World Cup Qualifier Japan v Aus (Fox Sports 3) 273,000; The Simpsons (Fox 8) 204,000; NCIS (TV1) 174,000; and Bushfires live coverage (Sky news) 158,000.

What Australia watched, week ending February 14
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 UNDERBELLY: A TALE OF TWO CITIES - EPISODE 1 Nine 2,582,000 831,000 871,000 414,000 208,000 259,000
2 UNDERBELLYmEPISODE 2 Nine 2,397,000 767,000 818,000 362,000 215,000 236,000
3 SEVEN NEWS - SUNDAY Seven 1,896,000 530,000 518,000 389,000 176,000 283,000
4 NINE NEWS - SUNDAY Nine 1,896,000 568,000 774,000 320,000 234,000
5 BORDER SECURITY Seven 1,786,000 470,000 528,000 398,000 151,000 241,000
6 TRIPLE ZERO HEROES Seven 1,725,000 481,000 536,000 331,000 148,000 228,000
7 PACKED TO THE RAFTERS Seven 1,688,000 527,000 536,000 278,000 151,000 196,000
8 CUSTOMS Nine 1,671,000 519,000 543,000 314,000 128,000 167,000
9 SEVEN NEWS - EXTENDED BUSHFIRE EDITION Seven 1,637,000 431,000 442,000 351,000 194,000 219,000
10 SUNDAY NIGHT Seven 1,634,000 434,000 472,000 378,000 132,000 218,000
11 SEVEN NEWS - MON-FRI Seven 1,608,000 442,000 437,000 317,000 181,000 231,000
12 ONE DAY CRICKET - ANZ GAME 3 PRIMETIME Nine 1,567,000 479,000 514,000 276,000 176,000 121,000
13 SEVEN NEWS - EXTENDED BUSHFIRE EDITION Seven 1,539,000 394,000 428,000 308,000 171,000 238,000
14 NCIS Ten 1,457,000 358,000 460,000 283,000 159,000 197,000
15 ONE DAY CRICKET GAME 4 PRIMETIME Nine 1,444,000 468,000 439,000 293,000 133,000 112,000

• by David Dale at 12:33 AM
• Comments (85)

The Tribal Mind: Do you get Australia?

To discuss why the dingo and the octopus should be on our coat of arms, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
You can judge a nation by the things that amuse it. Thus, to hurry your heart and pump your pride, here's a test of how well you understand your compatriots on their national day.

These questions are derived from entertainments embraced by more than 2 million Australians during the past 10 years. For big hints, and more details on Australia's favourite films, albums, TV programs and DVDs, go to The culture.

If you don't get at least 8 correct, you're unAustralian, and should start packing your bags. But of course, it won't come to that.

1 Name the three children of Julie and Dave Rafter. In what street do they live? (From the most popular Australian TV series of the past five years).

2 Complete the quote: "He endured blistering winds and scorching deserts, he climbed the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower, and what does he find? Some ..." (from the highest grossing movie this decade).

3 Who defeated whom in the men's final of the 2005 Australian Open (the most watched TV program this decade)?

4 Complete the verse: "I've learned to love/ Be understanding/ And believe in life/ But you've got to make choices/ Be wrong or right/ Sometimes you've got to ..." (from the best selling music album this decade)

5 The best selling DVD of all time in Australia features characters called Marlin, Gill, Bloat, Peach and Nigel. Name it. And who played Nigel?

6 Complete the quote: "The man who can wield the power of this sword can summon to him an ..." (from the second highest grossing movie of the past ten years).

7 Name the winner and the runner up in the most watched non-sporting television event of the past ten years (hint: 2004).

8 "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are tonight's entertainment! I only have one question ..." Who, played by whom, said this? And what was the question?

9 Name, in order, the 3 most popular Harry Potter movies, as measured by DVD sales.

10 From the top selling album of the past 5 years, "I'm not ... what? .. just floating"; "I'm not ... what? .. just changing"; "I was never looking for ... what? ... from anyone but you". Who sang this?

11 Name the gay renovators in The Block (the most watched series of 2003) and the couple who won that year.

12 Name the daughter of Brett Craig and Kim Day, and the father of Kim.

13 Since 1999, 13 Australians (or people trained in Australia) have won Oscars. Name them and the relevant movies.

14 Who held up a sign saying "Free Th Refugees"? And who attempted to engage in an activity called turkey slapping? In what series?

15 The most successful locally made film of this decade includes products with the brand names Poor Fella, Kangaroo and Boomerang. What were they?

16 Identify the images on this page, which would be familiar to more than 2 million Australians.

Not that you need them, but just for reassurance, you'll find the answers by scrolling down below.

• by David Dale at 04:59 PM
• Comments (49)

The Tribal Mind: What are you looking forward to in 2009?

To discuss why the dingo should be on our coat of arms, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
It's going to be a wonderful year. Oh, we may lose our jobs and our homes, but to balance the misery there'll be unprecedented opportunities for escapism - on half price Tuesdays at the multiplex, in the little Lebanese tapas trattoria round the corner and via the big screen TV we bought before the bubble burst. Here's an alphabetical analysis of the entertainments I'm looking forward to this year:

Avatar. James Cameron, creator of Terminator and Titanic, returns with a sci-fi epic in which Australia's Sam Worthington plays a human whose mind occupies the body of a genetically engineered alien.

Bruno. Moving on from Borat, Sacha Baron Cohen finds there are still Americans dumb enough to believe he's an Austrian fashion writer. Sample dialogue: interviewing a conservative clergyman, Bruno asks "So hypothetically I can admire a man's penis in the shower, but the moment I put it in my mouth, some sort of line has been crossed?"

Che. Steven Soderbergh, director of Ocean's 11 and Erin Brockovich, gets serious in a two-part biopic about the socialist saint, starring Benicio del Toro.

Desperate Housewives. The new season has blacker humour, as we see how the women have changed five years after last year's season. Gabby is fat!

Eating honestly instead of pretentiously. Restaurants which have been importing foie gras, gold leaf and truffles to decorate main courses that cost $60 will disappear, along with the expense account exhibitionists who sustained them. Peasant will replace pheasant.

Flaming Sword of Fire. The new British sitcom parodies Dungeons and Dragons games. Its hero, Krod Mandoon, is a sensitive freedom fighter who battles the wicked Chancellor Dongalor (Matt Lucas of Little Britain)

Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes. Recovering from a series of flops that included his marriage to Madonna, the director of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels recruited Robert Downey Jnr to play the cocaine-addicted detective and Jude Law for Dr Watson. How can he go wrong?

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. The trailers make it look dark, thrilling and not for kids.

Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. This was an unfinished project for Heath Ledger, and director Terry Gilliam (ex Monty Python animator) replaced him with Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell.

Joss Whedon's Dollhouse. The creator of Buffy and Firefly is back with a spy series starring underappreciated hottie Eliza Dushku.

Killing Nazis and scalping them. That's the theme of Quentin Tarantino's latest comeback attempt, which he insists on spelling Inglourious Basterds. Brad Pitt leads a team of Jewish soldiers trying to spread fear through the German populace.

Lost. Yes, it did get complicated, and we did suspect the writers were throwing in random mysteries, but enough has been explained to give season five a second chance.

Monsters v Aliens, the next amazing animation from Dreamworks. It may manage to surpass the spectacle of Pixar's Wall-E (out this week on DVD).

Neurotic geniuses, preferably British, are the problem-solvers of prime time TV. After House, Monk, Bones, Criminal Minds and The Mentalist, Tim Roth is an English eccentric who can read body language in Channel Ten's Lie To Me.

Our sexiest export is what we'll be calling Melissa George, as she moves from playing a sex addicted patient in In Treatment to playing a sex addicted doctor in Grey's Anatomy, just before it jumps the shark.

Peter Jackson's The Lovely Bones is on a smaller scale than King Kong and Lord of the Rings, but has a typical twist: a girl watches from heaven as her family tries to find her murdered corpse.

Queer as Folk, the pioneering series about gay men, was created by Russell T Davies, who then became head writer for Doctor Who. That's why some viewers imagined a homoerotic subtext in the male bonding and female fearing of The Next Doctor, the Christmas special on the ABC this Sunday. They will continue to seek it in the other specials Davies writes this year before he leaves the show, along with David Tennant.

Revolutionary Road and The Reader both won Golden Globes for Kate Winslet, who plays a yummy mummy stultified by suburbia in the first and a former concentration camp guard who has an affair with a 15 year old boy in the second.

Sandra Bullock soared as a comic talent in Speed, peaked in Miss Congeniality, then slumped into sentimentality. In The Proposal, she plays a calculating bitch, and a star is reborn.

Tina Fey is legendary for impersonating Sarah Palin but that won't convince Channel Seven to give a better timeslot to Fey's satirical sitcom 30 Rock, forcing viewers to resort to paragraph W, below.

Underbelly Two will convince the nation that Sydney's criminals are as interesting as Melbourne's.

Vampires are cool again, thanks to Twilight, and they'll extend their fangs in True Blood, a series for which Anna Paquin won a Golden Globe.

Watching TV programs on your computer will be the theme of next week's column.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine lets Hugh Jackman show his dark side (a relief after Australia) and introduces new shapeshifters Gambit, Sabretrooth, Deadpool, the Beak and The Blob.

Year of the Terminator. Channel Nine will pass The Sarah Connor Chronicles to Fox 8, which will give them due respect, and Christian (Batman) Bale will play John Connor in the fourth movie, Terminator: Salvation.

Zachary Quinto was the brain-sucking Sylar in Heroes, but will redeem himself as young Spock in the sexy reimagining of Star Trek by Lost creator J. J. Abrams.

Live long and prosper. Go to Comments to discuss what you are looking forward to this year.

• by David Dale at 04:58 PM
• Comments (14)

The Tribal Mind: United in seasonal sensations

by David Dale
What, if any, were the experiences Australians shared over the Christmas break? Apart from ham and plum pudding, were there any pleasures that brought the nation together, or has our society fragmented into 21 million islands of purely personal entertainment?

This column is now in a position to answer those questions, because the data-gathering agencies which continued their labours between December 19 and January 2 have just delivered their discoveries. Here are a few clues on what might unite us ...

The TV we watched. Although it's officially a "non-ratings period", the people meters attached to TV sets in 3000 urban homes allowed OzTAM's computer to estimate that 1.8 million saw Carols By Candlelight, while the test matches between Australia and South Africa occasionally managed 1.4 million, and most nights 1.2 million have been watching Seven's news. Other hot properties were Shrek The Halls (9) 1.2m; A Very Specky Christmas (ABC) 1.2m; Outback Wildlife Rescue (7) 1.1m; repeats of Bones (7) and NCIS (10) 1.1 million; Top Gear (SBS) 880,000 and the Queen's Christmas message (ABC) 510,000.

In the absence of anything adventurous on the free networks, Pay TV flourished, and its top performers were America's Next Top Model (Fox 8) 190,000; Futurama (Fox 8) 180,000; The Vicar of Dibley (UK TV) 141,000; and the Bond flick For Your Eyes Only (Fox Classics) 138,000.

The movies we queued for. The cinemas sent their box office totals to the Motion Picture Distributors Association of Australia, which reveals that over the past fortnight more than a million Australians saw Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa; while 500,000 saw Twilight and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button; 400,000 saw Australia, The Day The Earth Stood Still and Bedtime Stories, and 250,000 saw Quantum of Solace (probably for the second time, having rented Casino Royale in the meantime to find out what the chase at the beginning is all about).

And the readers who entered this column's contest to predict the success of Australia might like to know that as it nears the end of its run, it has so far made $27 million here and $US47 million over there. To discover the most successful films of 2008 and of all time, go here.

The music we played. The Australian Record Industry Association reports that the $20 notes in the Christmas card from grandma mostly went on the albums Funhouse by Pink, Only By The Night by the Kings of Leon, Unessential Listening by Hamish and Andy, the soundtrack of High School Musical 3, and Circus by Britney Spears.

So in the past two weeks, if you heard no Pink and saw no carols, cricket or cartoon animals, you are a splendid individualist -- and deeply unAustralian.

Footnote: Last week this column asked readers to name the decade, and the 40 responders suggested such notions as the Facebook Decade, The Decayed, the D'Ohcade, the 3D (Dumbed Down Decade), the Meltdown Decade, the Viral Decade and Decade of Squandered Opportunity. But the consensus stayed with The iDecade, where the initial letter stands for iPhone, iPod, internet, Islam, Iraq, imbeciles (who kill people for religious reasons or start wars for political reasons), ignorant, inept, indulgent, and ego (since this is above all a decade of vanity).

So we've settled on the theme. Spread the iWord.

• by David Dale at 03:53 PM

The Tribal Mind: The year of living vicariously

by David Dale
As reality grows darker, we are drawn to the light of fantasy, and this tough year offers almost too many soft options. In last week's column I began an alphabetical analysis of the best avenues of escapism in 2009, and we got as far as ....

Monsters v Aliens, the next amazing animation from Dreamworks. It may manage to surpass the spectacle of Pixar's Wall-E (out this week on DVD).

Neurotic geniuses, preferably British, are the problem-solvers of prime time TV.
After House, Monk, Bones, Criminal Minds and The Mentalist, Tim Roth is an English eccentric who can read body language in Channel Ten's Lie To Me.

Our sexiest export is what we'll be calling Melissa George, as she moves from playing a sex addicted patient in In Treatment to playing a sex addicted doctor in Grey's Anatomy, just before it jumps the shark.

Peter Jackson's The Lovely Bones is on a smaller scale than King Kong and Lord of the Rings, but has a typical twist: a girl watches from heaven as her family tries to find her murdered corpse.

Queer as Folk, the pioneering series about gay men, was created by Russell T Davies, who then became head writer for Doctor Who. That's why some viewers imagined a homoerotic subtext in the male bonding and female fearing of The Next Doctor, the Christmas special on the ABC this Sunday. They will continue to seek it in the other specials Davies writes this year before he leaves the show, along with David Tennant.

Revolutionary Road and The Reader both won Golden Globes for Kate Winslet, who plays a yummy mummy stultified by suburbia in the first and a former concentration camp guard who has an affair with a 15 year old boy in the second.

Sandra Bullock soared as a comic talent in Speed, peaked in Miss Congeniality, then slumped into sentimentality. In The Proposal, she plays a calculating bitch, and a star is reborn.

Tina Fey is legendary for impersonating Sarah Palin but that won't convince Channel Seven to give a better timeslot to Fey's satirical sitcom 30 Rock, forcing viewers to resort to paragraph W, below.

Underbelly Two will convince the nation that Sydney's criminals are as interesting as Melbourne's.

Vampires are cool again, thanks to Twilight, and they'll extend their fangs in True Blood, a series for which Anna Paquin won a Golden Globe.

Watching TV programs on your computer will be the theme of next week's column.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine lets Hugh Jackman show his dark side (a relief after Australia) and introduces new shapeshifters Gambit, Sabretrooth, Deadpool, the Beak and The Blob.

Year of the Terminator. Channel Nine will pass The Sarah Connor Chronicles to Fox 8, which will give them due respect, and Christian (Batman) Bale will play John Connor in the fourth movie, Terminator: Salvation.

Zachary Quinto was the brain-sucking Sylar in Heroes, but will redeem himself as young Spock in the sexy reimagining of Star Trek by Lost creator J. J. Abrams. Live long and prosper.

Go to Comments to discuss what you are looking forward to this year.

• by David Dale at 10:10 PM
• Comments (1)

The Tribal Mind: Last chance to name the Noughties

To learn how Australians spent their spare time in 2008, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
With Corey Worthington at one end, Mercedes Corby at the other end, and Sarah Palin in the middle, this has clearly been The Year of the Bogan. lt's a relief to get that bit of labelling out of the way, because there's a much more important question we need to answer in the next two days: what are we going to call this decade?

By this point in the past four decades, a label had been written in stone. At the end of 1968, for example, everyone knew it was The Decade of Revolution -- in music, fashion, politics and pharmacology.

By the time ABBA had peaked, it was The Decade of Promiscuity, when "safe sex" simply meant intercourse that didn't get you pregnant or, if you were gay, that didn't get you arrested. (A later generation labelled it The Decade That Style Forgot, when they saw photos of the then Treasurer John Howard with bushy sideburns, but at the time, we all thought bellbottoms were terribly stylish).

For a while it looked as if AIDS would be the theme of the 80s, but 1988 embedded the phrase Greed is Good. Does that make the Noughties the Greed Goes Bad Decade? If we accepted that label, we'd be giving naming rights to the econobores, in what may be a kneejerk reaction to a situation likely to be over before 2010 (a prediction that would make it The Decade of Blind Optimism).

When this column canvassed the labelling issue with readers early this year, we came up with such notions as The Decade of China; the Wikade; the GoogleTen; The Digicade; The Greenhouse Decade; the Britneycade; and The Age of Cleavage.

Reader Meg made an impressive case for "the decade of the grammatically challenged", in which "we decided to be 'bored of' Corey and Britney, instead of 'bored with' or 'bored by' them ... when we started saying 'my bad' instead of 'my mistake' (can't we manage words with more than one syllable anymore?) ... when 'da' and 'wiv' became the accepted spelling of 'the' and 'with' ... when our governments finally realised that all texting has produced is a generation who cannot write a complete sentence full of real, whole words. Or understand one when they see one.

"Actually, Decade of the Moron might cover it all -- our poor grammar, our obsession with brain-dead clots like Corey and Paris, and our total inability to spend a whole five minutes without texting some other mobile-addicted bud." And don't get Meg started with the apo'strophe's in front of every s.

To the extent that there was consensus, readers leaned towards "the iDecade", where the initial letter stands not only for iPod and iPhone but also for Iraq, Islam, internet, and ego, as manifested in a craving for personal celebrity via Facebook, MySpace and TV talent quests such as Survivor, Big Brother, and Australian Idol.

If we don't get a better idea from you by Thursday, "the iDecade" is the one we'll lock in. Go to Comments to offer your suggestion.

Oops, almost forgot: by 1998, we knew we were in The Decade of Diana.

• by David Dale at 04:02 PM
• Comments (37)

The Tribal Mind: A year at the flicks

To discuss whether Australia is growing too fast, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
As everybody knows, everything goes in threes: wise men; blind mice; little pigs; acronyms (ATM, GST, PIN); real estate rationale (location, location, location); faith, hope and charity; blood, sweat and tears; sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll; thesis, antithesis, synthesis; etc, etc, etc.

The way Australians entertained themselves this year proved that the Rule of Three applies particularly to the movie business ...

The first law of cinematics: To predict the success of a big budget movie in Australia, multiply its first week's takings by three. The nation's favourite flick this year, The Dark Knight, made $15.9 million in its first week, and ended up with a total of $45.6 million (putting it close to the all-time chart-toppers Titanic with $58m, Shrek 2 with $50m and Return of the King with $49m). TDK sold more than 4 million tickets because it lived up to its hype, just like Kung Fu Panda, which earned $8.3 million in the first week and went on to total $26 million, or Wall-E (from $5.8m to $17.8m).

There were exceptions to the first law this year. Mamma Mia! went from $8.1m to an amazing $31.5m and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull went from $12.3m to a mere $29.5m. They are covered by ...

The second law of cinematics: To tell if a movie will stay hot, examine the dropoff in its second week's takings. If it falls by more than a third, word of mouth must be bad (and the ultimate total, as with Indy, will be less than three times the first week). If it falls by less than a third, w.o.m. will propel it to glorious heights (as with Mamma Mia!). It's ominous news for the teen vampire flick Twilight that its second weekend box office was down 54 per cent on its first weekend.

Now here's a spooky detail: the takings of Australia fell by 33 per cent from week 1 to week 2, and by 32 per cent from week 2 to week 3.

There is thus no way to tell if it will top the $29 million earned by Baz Luhrmann's last epic, Moulin Rouge. We might seek a clue in ...

The Third Law of Cinematics: Australian films never make more than $3 million (Happy Feet and Australia don't count because they are international movies). To put it another way, there are only 300,000 cinemagoers in this country who regard the term "Australian-made" as an incentive.

The most awarded local flick this year was The Black Balloon. It made $2.1 million. The most awarded local flick last year was Romulus My Father, which made $2.6 million. Some people theorise that Australian movies fail because they lack budgets. There may be another issue. Could it be that they fail because they lack story? This was certainly a characteristic of The Black Balloon.

By contrast, these were, in my view, the three best-plotted films of the year: Gone Baby Gone, Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, and In Bruges. They're so full of story that if you rent them on DVD, you'll want to watch them three times.

For full box office details, go to The films Australia loved. Go to Comments to tell us your view of this year's film crop, and to suggest any other Laws of Cinematics

• by David Dale at 05:11 PM
• Comments (9)

The Tribal Mind: The right stuff?

To discuss if the language of Australia is genuine, go to Crikey, she fire-um
For regular updates on Australian attitudes, bookmark http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

by David Dale
The prime minister wants us all to go out and buy stuff this Christmas, to keep the economy churning. But the question arises: Where will we put it? Australians have bought so much stuff over the past decade there may not be room in the house for any more. We're world famous as "early adopters" of new technology, especially gadgets that entertain us. Here's how much we've accumulated in the past decade ...

THE STUFF WE'VE GOT:
TV sets. They're in 99 per cent of homes, while 68 per cent of homes have two or more sets. In the first half of 2008, Australians spent $1.3 billion on flat screen TVs, so that now 40 per cent of the nation's sets are digital and 25 per cent are capable of showing the new High Definition channels.

DVD players. They're in 89 per cent of homes. So far this year we've spent $1.3 billion buying 71 million discs to watch on our new giant screens. The top sellers were Underbelly, Mamma Mia, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Ratatouille, Sex and the City (the movie), The Bourne Ultimatum, 27 Dresses, and Hairspray -- which suggests the major buyers are now women in their 20s rather than boys in their teens. Only two per cent of the movies sold were in the new Blu-ray format, which Australians seem to regard as an unnecessary extra technology.

Mobile phones. There's at least one of them in 85 per cent of homes. Increasingly we use them for music, games, videos and Net connections, which might mean we'll soon be able to get rid of some of the bigger stuff that's lying around (like games consoles, currently in 35 per cent of homes).

Computers. They're in 75 per cent of households. Three-quarters (6.2 million) of Australian households have access to a computer, and 5.5 million of these have Internet access. Because 52 per cent of Austalian homes have a broadband connection, they can use the net for downloading TV programs - which might enable them to move one of the old sets into the garage.

Digital media players (such as iPods). They're in 45 per cent of homes, and in the first half of the year Australians spent $13.3 million buying 12.1 million songs to play on them (in addition to millions of illegal downloads).

But it would be wrong to conclude that Australians are getting rid of their old CD players. We still use them to play albums - in the first half of 2008, we spent $131 million buying 16.1 million CD albums.

In recent weeks there's been a surge in old-fashioned music buying. During November we spent 22 per cent more on CD albums than in the same period last year. The chair of the Australian Music Retailers' Association, Geoff Bonouvrie, offers this explanation: "When a recession hits, people look for cheaper forms of entertainment. A year ago, consumers may have been looking into buying plasma televisions, but now they are looking for value for their money and with music, you can get so much value for $20.

"There are some very good albums on the market right now from Kings of Leon, P!nk, AC/DC, The Killers, Guns N Roses, not to mention several good soundtracks and dance compilations - and don't forget the phenomenon that is Andre Rieu."

So we may be able to oblige the PM after all, because the stuff we want to buy right now takes up far less space than it used to.

Go to Comments to tell us what new stuff you'll buy this Christmas

• by David Dale at 06:06 PM
• Comments (1)

The Tribal Mind: Playing for keeps

by David Dale
Oh, the irony. In the very week the media go hysterical about kids not getting enough exercise because they stay inside and play video games, we learn that the year's best selling video game has been Wii Fit -- a series of fun exercises for the whole family. So the problem is actually the solution.

No, lets not be glib. The energetic Wii Fit (pronounced "we fit", or "wee fut" if you're a New Zealander) may have sold a couple of hundred thousand, but it's a drop in an ocean of games which exercise only the thumbs. Sales of games are up 40 per cent on 2007, which means that when Christmas is over, Australians will have spent $1.8 billion this year buying 22 million games, or one for every man, woman and child on the continent. That's in addition to the fortunes we laid out for the latest consoles to play them on -- Nintendo Wii, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360, and the handheld Nintendo DS and Playstation Portable.

Many non-players assume that even if electronic games are not the sole cause of childhood obesity, they certainly turn our teenagers into zombies and criminals. Lets check that theory against the chart for the year so far, kindly supplied by the research organisation GfK Australia ...

The best selling games of 2008:
1 Wii Fit;
2 Wii Play;
3 Mario Kart Wii;
4 Grand Theft Auto IV (PlayStation 3);
5 Grand Theft Auto IV (Xbox 360);
6 Mario & Sonic At The Olympics (Wii);
7 Mario & Sonic At The Olympics (Nintendo DS);
8 Super Smash Bros Brawl (Wii);
9 World Of Warcraft Wrath of The Lich King (home computer);
10 Dr Kawashima's Brain Training (Nintendo DS).

They fall on a spectrum from the wholesome to the antisocial. At one end are the top Wiis, which emphasise dancing around, and games that use the cartoon characters Mario the moustachioed plumber and Sonic the blue hedgehog, whose leaps might inspire young players to seek sporting careers. So no physical or mental damage there. Equally safe (though more time-consuming) is Lich King -- an imagination-booster in the spirit of Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings.

At the other extreme, we find two versions of Grand Theft Auto IV, in which the player is an urban warrior who "quickly becomes entangled in a seedy underworld of gangs, crime, and corruption" that requires him to steal cars and kill people. Does this confirm your worst expectations?

We need to quote the US sociologist Steven Johnson, who wrote a book called Everything Bad Is Good For You. He argues that even if gamers don't visit the playground as often as earlier generations, they still end up Better People, because video games train them in scientific method: "The kids are forced to think like grownups: analysing complex social networks, managing resources, tracking subtle narrative intertwinings, recognising long term patterns ... Far more than books or movies or music, games force you to make decisions."

In other words, what they lose on the swings and roundabouts, they win at the console - even if it's just a talent to steal and kill effectively.

Go to Comments to give us your view on the dangers and delights of games.

• by David Dale at 02:10 PM
• Comments (7)

The Tribal Mind: The proof of the puddings

To learn how to catch the zeitgeist, go to The sweetest thing.

by David Dale
The ABC is not being in any way untruthful when it boasts that it has enjoyed its "most successful ratings year ever". It is simply looking at the data in a particular way.

The ABC says it averaged 17 per cent of the prime time audience on free to air television this year, which "overtakes the previous record set in 2004 of 16.9 per cent". You would hardly expect the ABC to trumpet that since 2004 it has lost 5 per cent of its prime time audience, or 29,000 people -- although this would be equally true.

The spin doctors are suggesting that the ABC achieved a record slice of the free to air cake or pie or whatever culinary metaphor you care to bake. The problem is that someone left the cake out in the rain, and it has shrunk considerably over the decade. To further stir the metaphor, the TV audience is not a Magic Pudding. A bigger slice of a smaller cake ends up containing fewer raisins.

As we explained in last week's column, the population of the mainland capitals has risen by half a million people during the past four years, but the average prime time audience for free to air television has dropped by 220,000. Some of that shrinkage squeezed the national broadcaster.

The ABC suffered its biggest loss with a group that used to be its strongest supporters -- kids under the age of 15. Across the whole day, that part of the ABC's audience has dropped by 25 per cent. The kids seem to be saying bye-bye to Bananas in Pyjamas and Bindi the Jungle Girl and Bluewater High and shifting over to Pay television for The Simpsons, Family Guy and Futurama.

With its other traditional fan base -- people over 40 -- the ABC has done better, losing only 2 per cent since 2004. Those oldies gave sensational support to Doc Martin, Enough Rope, The Gruen Transfer, Spicks and Specks, and Midsomer Murders, all of which appear among the 50 most watched programs of the year.

But if you want a success story that works in any statistical language, you should study SBS. Despite dire predictions that the fans would rebel against the introduction of mid-show advertising, the average prime time audience for what we used to call "the ethnic broadcaster" has risen by 17 per cent since 2004.

Most of the growth is with viewers aged 16-39 (up 41 per cent) who flocked to Top Gear, Top Gear Australia (though less enthusiastically), Mythbusters and South Park. Older SBSers loved Who Do You Think You Are and Inspector Rex. Up to you to decide if all this is appropriate content for a network established to serve minorities.

Meanwhile, Pay TV is up 71 per cent with kids under 15, and 89 per cent with people over 40. The top events on Pay -- The Bledisloe Cup rugby union match and the Australia vs Qatar soccer match -- got 350,000 and 345,000 viewers, while Pay's top series -- Australia's Next Top Model and Project Runway Australia -- got 320,000 and 241,000.

By comparison, Channel Seven got 2.5 million for the AFL grand final and 1.9 million for Packed to the Rafters. The free to air souffle may not rise again, but it's taking a long, long time to sink.

Go here for all you need to know about the year, and to Comments to offer your analysis ...

• by David Dale at 08:16 AM
• Comments (4)

The Tribal Mind: All along the watchtower

To learn how to catch the zeitgeist, go to The sweetest thing.

by David Dale
WARNING: this column is about to be definitive, absolutist and conclusive. We have come into possession of some audience research, derived from the OzTAM people meter boxes in 3,035 urban households, that will allow us to dispose, once and for all (or at least, until this time next year), of the four great myths of television:

Myth One: Australians are watching less TV than they did in the first half of this decade.

Fact: In weeks 1 to 46 of this year, viewers in the mainland capitals spent an average of 22 hours and 11 minutes a week gazing at the box. In 2004 (chosen as the point of comparison because it was also an Olympic year), viewers averaged 22 hours and two minutes a week. So we're actually watching more this year. (Qualification: The rise is entirely due to the growth in pay TV. The average audience for free to air TV is down five per cent on 2004, while the average audience for Pay is up 71 per cent.)

Myth Two: Young people hardly connect with telly these days, because they're off playing video games, instant messaging, watching DVDs, fiddling with MyFaceTube and illegally downloading stuff from the net.

Fact: Viewers under 16 spend 14 hours and 33 minutes a week at the box, which is down 10 per cent on 2004, while viewers aged 16 to 39 spend 17 hours and 40 minutes a week -- down seven per cent. So they are watching less, but they're not out of the game entirely. The apparent growth in overall viewing is due to people over 40, who spend 29 hours a week at the box -- up 6 per cent on 2004. You might say we're a nation of geriatric couch potatoes.

Myth Three: Channel Nine is enjoying a recovery, and is on its way back to the top next year.

Fact: In 2004, Nine's average prime time audience was 1.105 million in the mainland capitals. This year it is 929,000 -- down 16 per cent, while Seven's prime time audience (1.028m) is up 11 per cent. Mind you, Seven's growth is entirely based on those geriatrics we mentioned earlier (it's up 27 per cent with over 40s).

With viewers 16-39, Seven is down 9 per cent (while Nine is down 22 per cent). Ten is totally in the poo -- down 17 per cent overall and 19 per cent with its target 16-39s.

Myth Four: Suffering a cultural cringe, Australians prefer US dramas to local creations.

Fact: The most watched scripted programs this year were: 1 Racked to the Rafters; 2 Underbelly; 3 City Homicide; 4 Two and a Half Men; 5 CSI. The top scripted programs in 2004 were: 1 CSI; 2 Kath and Kim; 3 CSI Miami; 4 Friends; 5 Law and Order: SVU.

So apart from the ageing of viewers, the other trend of 2008 is the rise of nationalism. Go the cultural strut.

Here are the tables, for weeks 1 to 46 of the year, based on OzTAM data for the mainland capitals:

Average number watching over 24 hours
.. Age .. 2002 .. 2004 .. 2006 .. 2008 .. Change since 04
FREE TO AIR TV
00-99 1.598m 1.545m 1.522m 1.460m -5%
00-15 0.261m 0.228m 0.191m 0.180m -21%
16-39 0.515m 0.466m 0.452m 0.401m -14%
40-99 0.822m 0.851m 0.879m 0.879m +3%
PAY TV
00-99 0.239m 0.246m 0.362m 0.420m +71%
00-15 0.052m 0.039m 0.062m 0.066m +67%
16-39 0.082m 0.083m 0.114m 0.119m +44%
40-99 0.105m 0.124m 0.186m 0.235m +89%
TOTAL TV
00-99 1.837m 1.792m 1.884m 1.881m +5%
00-15 0.313m 0.267m 0.253m 0.245m -8%
16-39 0.597m 0.549m 0.566m 0.521m -5%
40-99 0.927m 0.976m 1.065m 1.115m +14%

Most watched series, 2008
1 (7) PACKED TO THE RAFTERS 1.942m
2 (7) FIND MY FAMILY 1,797
3 (9) UNDERBELLY 1,707
4 (7) THE ZOO 1,683
5 (7) CITY HOMICIDE 1,622
6 (7) BORDER SECURITY 1,610
7 (7) THE FORCE 1,597
8 (7) BORDER SECURITY (Rpt) 1,579
9 (7) RSPCA ANIMAL RESCUE 1,576
10 (7) SEVEN NEWS - SUN 1,560
11 (7) AUSTRALIA'S GOT TALENT 1,523
12 (9) DOMESTIC BLITZ 1,510
13 (9) 60 MINUTES 1,506
14 (9) TWO AND A HALF MEN -WED EP2 1,504
15 (10) SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE AUSTRALIA 1,491

Most watched series, 2004
1 (10) AUSTRALIAN IDOL 2.095m
2 (9) CSI 1,868
3 (7) DANCING WITH THE STARS 1,867
4 (ABC) KATH AND KIM SERIES 3 1,829
5 (10) AUSTRALIAN IDOL - THE LIVE VERDICT 1,762
6 (9) NINE NEWS SUNDAY 1,740
7 (9) CSI: MIAMI 1,676
8 (9) FRIENDS 1,653
9 (10) LAW AND ORDER: SVU 1,625
10 (9) COLD CASE 1,618
11 (10) LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT 1,586
12 (9) CSI -RPT 1,582
13 (ABC) SEVEN WONDERS OF THE INDUSTRIAL WORLD 1,533
14 (9) 60 MINUTES 1,532
15 (10) BIG BROTHER LIVE EVICTION 1,525

• by David Dale at 04:51 PM
• Comments (3)

The Tribal Mind: The sweetest thing

To bust the four great myths of television, go to The Tribal Mind.
For regular updates on Australian attitudes, bookmark http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

by David Dale
Once in a while-- every four years seems to be the average -- a production team manages to catch the zeitgeist. In the chilly hours and minutes of uncertainty, someone generates a concept that sums up the times we live in, and out comes a movie or TV show that doesn't just entertain us - it reflects us. Australians watch in their millions because they recognise what they are, or what they would like to be.

The latest zeitgeist-catcher is Packed to the Rafters, which is attracting 2 million viewers a week in the mainland capitals. At a time when national tastes are fragmenting into ever narrower niches, PTTR is a favourite of every demographic measured by OzTAM - male and female, rich and poor, old and young. It has the nation in the warm hold of its loving mind, and vice versa.

Lets look at some zeitgeist catchers of the past ten years, all of which managed the magic two million ...

Friends. Its rise through the late 90s coincided with a belated realisation by Australians that we were not a nation of bronzed bush battlers but a nation of urban coffee drinkers. With the breakdown in traditional marriage structures, mates were the new family. We saw ourselves in six sexy New Yorkers who solved each other's problems over lattes.

SeaChange. As the millennium turned, a generation slightly older than the single coffee addicts fantasised about escaping from urban life to a village with all the conveniences of the city, but none of the hassles.

Kath and Kim. Of course we weren't really Manhattanites, we were the most suburbanised nation on earth, and we masochistically embraced a satire on our Hills Hoist lifestyle.

Desperate Housewives. Identifying with the suburban village again, we aspired to the glamour of Wisteria Lane. In the first season, the Despos were watched by one in 13 Americans and one in seven Australians. Quite by accident, the dramedy caught our zeitgeist more than it caught theirs.

Packed to the Rafters. Family is the new mateship. The flipside of Friends was constructed by demographic analysis. Channel Seven's head of drama, John Holmes, has been reported as saying that the show's creator, Bevan Lee, "looked at the world we all live in, with high mortgages and the price of property, and saw that in tough times kids are staying at home. There is tremendous opportunity for identification with the show."

So have the programmers finally found the magic formula: Check the Bureau of Statistics website and create characters and situations that match the sociological shifts?

Maybe it's not that easy. Channel Ten's latest attempt at zeitgeist-catching was Friday Night Download, developed on the premise that if young people are giving up television to surf the net, you can get them back by making a program out of the most outrageous material in the webiverse. Ratings were so low Ten had to cancel the show after two episodes. There's still hope for creativity.

Tell us how to catch the zeitgeist at Comments

• by David Dale at 12:15 PM
• Comments (10)

The Tribal Mind: Will we sink or soar?

To discuss the accuracy of Austraya, go to Who We Are.
For regular updates on Australian attitudes, bookmark http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

by David Dale
What a magnificent ambiguity: "Australia will be the Titanic of 2008". That is the prediction of Foxie, one of 151 readers who responded to this column's call for box office forecasts about the film that opens on November 26. We are left to wonder if Titanic means the ship that sank with 1500 lives lost in 1912, or the film that sold $58 million worth of tickets here and $US601 million worth there in 1997.

If Foxie is using a maritime metaphor, what might the iceberg be? Our tall poppy syndrome, our cultural cringe, our determination to avoid manipulation by publicists, our skepticism about the former screen queen, Nicole Kidman? If she means Australia will be highest grossing film of all time, she clearly believes Baz Luhrmann has managed to catch the zeitgeist.

When we started this contest, we promised to give two sets of prizes: short term, for the readers who offered the most plausible rationales for their predictions of success or failure, and long term, for the reader who comes closest to nominating the film's total takings in Australia and America. To read all the predictions and rationalisations, go to In advance of Australia.

Here are our first winners:

Emma wrote: "I think the film will resonate with cinema-goers in light of the global financial crisis. The film communicates basic themes that are relevant -- in times of hardship, it is your loved ones that matter the most. This is a universal theme, and thus will bring in more than pessimists expect.

"Australia has all the makings of an epic - and will attract criticism that accompanies films that take on an epic scope. Baz has approached the narrative in a smart way - telling a big story through a narrow perspective ... The production values are clearly very high and the story looks evocative. In terms of casting, Nicole has the ability to pull off elegance very well. Hugh Jackman looks the convincing picture, and hopefully these two will bring a screen chemistry to the film."

Cap'n Pugwas wrote: "It is somehow fitting that the film Australia already represents a perfect summation of precisely everything gone wrong with Australian films in the last decade and the narrow patronising cultural banality so prevalent during the Howard years.

"Australia is a suspiciously over-marketed (much of it already during production), romanticised hyperbole set in war time (feeding directly on recent populist Anzac patrotism), which seems aimed squarely at the dumbed-down audience of sappy musicals and stage productions performed in casinos. Add the ingredients of the over-rated and precious public image of 'Our Nic' and Lurmann's own stupendously silly record with the vacuous Moulin Rouge , not forgetting the title which is in itself is both hideously cynical (foreign audiences) and pompous."

The most pessimistic reader prediction was $A8m and $US20m. The most optimistic was $A73.5m and $US265m. We'll be able to reward that winner in January if Australia is a flop, and sometime later, if it's a hit. Go here to read all the entries.

• by David Dale at 04:06 PM
• Comments (15)

The Tribal Mind: In advance of Australia

To discuss how to catch the zeitgeist, go to The Tribal Mind

by David Dale
HOW WELL do you understand the mood of your nation? And how well do you understand the way the rest of the world regards us? Here's your chance to prove your perceptiveness by making two simple predictions: the amount that will be earned by the movie Australia at the Australian box office, and the amount it will earn at the US box office.

We're told this is the most important thing to happen to Australian cinema since Crocodile Dundee, which made $48 million here and $US175 million there. To match those earnings, Australia will need to sell 5 million tickets here and 25 million tickets there. Is that likely? How many Australian pensioners will spend $15 of their Rudd Christmas bonus on nationalistic cinemagoing? How many JoeThePlumbers will spend $US8 of their Obama tax savings to put another shrimp on our barbie?

The film opens on November 26. Before making your judgement, you should click here to watch the first trailer and here to watch the American trailer (which New York magazine says is designed to reassure people Hugh Jackman is not gay). Based on those glimpses, and your sense of the appeal of Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman, and Baz Luhrman, you can go down to Comments and register your predictions and your reasons for making them.

In due season, we will declare two winners: the reader who gave the most plausible rationale for the predictions (to be announced here on November 17) and the reader whose predictions were closest to reality (announced after Australia has ended its run in both countries). The prizes will be handsome.

These are the factors you'll need to take into account:

The Kidman curse. It's been argued that Nicole Kidman's career has jumped the shark -- that a series of flops have made her less attractive to moviegoers, perhaps even as much of a deterrent as the concept of an Australian-made movie.

The GFC. It could go either way. The global financial crisis might cause Australians to retreat into their cocoons, staying home to stare at the giant TV screens they bought on credit back in the good times. Or we (and the Americans) might rush to the multiplex in search of escapist melodrama about the days when enemies were identifiable and defeatable.

The big push. Fox will release Australia on more than 500 screens, which is a record. In July, The Dark Knight opened on 470 screens and ended up making $45.5 million (go to The Films Australia Loved for more background). There are publicity tie-ins with almost everybody -- but Australians hate being oversold, so excessive publicity may work against it. But it's not as if there will be much competition. The new James Bond movie, A Quantum of Solace, opens the week before, and the teenage vampire flick Twilight opens on December 11. The new Harry Potter has been held over till May. So Australia could have a dream run right through the Christmas holidays.

That's all you need to know before casting your vote. You have three weeks to analyse two tribes.

• by David Dale at 10:22 AM
• Comments (166)

The Tribal Mind: The doomsday scenario

Entries have now closed in our contest to predict the box office for Australia. You can read about the first winners here.

by David Dale
Australians are so damn cynical, particularly about their own creative endeavours. When this column asked readers two weeks ago to demonstrate their understanding of the national mood by predicting the success of the much publicised movie Australia, we got 105 responses. Most were pessimistic (go here to read them).

Few shared the enthusiasm of America's showbiz bible, Entertainment Weekly, which last week listed Australia among the movies it was most looking forward to over the Christmas holidays. EW wrote:

"Seven years after Baz Luhrmann's frenzied/inspired mash-up of genres (cinematic and musical) in Moulin Rouge, his luscious bohemian take on the Orpheus myth, the Australian auteur hopes to make film history again. A blend of Gone With the Wind, From Here to Eternity, and Lonesome Dove, Luhrmann's new epic Australia, set against the backdrop of World War II, stars his muse Nicole Kidman as an urban sophisticate who journeys to the Outback and falls for rough-hewn cattle herder Hugh Jackman."

But reader Les takes a different view: "I think it will fall well short of expectations simply because we are in a negative social mood. When the mood is negative we go and see dark films like The Dark Knight *. In optimistic times we go and see Crocodile Dundee **. If they wanted Australia to be successful they would have made the character of Hugh Jackman a serial killer with Nicole Kidman fighting for her life."

Ren Hoek agrees: "Seems to me that 'Australia' is a pretentious title, as if the movie wants to somehow sum up the historical and cultural experiences of this entire country. Do filmmakers do that with other countries? It's almost an insult. I predict that the movie will be flat and forgettable and will barely cover its budget worldwide. And nearly three hours? Sounds like Baz forgot to edit this movie. I'm tired of this kind of over-long self indulgence - I'll take a tight ninety minutes any day."

Daniel is even tougher: "Coming from an already overrated director, it has all the cliches of Australian films: overblown soundtrack, exaggerated accents from wooden actors, mystical blackfellas (the deus ex machina of bad Ozzie films), heroes and villains writ loud and large, and lame cinematography replete with slow motion footage of dust storms and horsies jumping logs. This is the type of cinema that Australia revelled in 25 years ago, but today it'll come across as patronising, overwrought slush of the type Australian directors should have left at Snowy River. "

But Claire thinks differently: "Although people may not flock to see it on the first weekend, I think Australia will hold out for a longer time and end up making a fair amount. I'd say A$50 mil here, but perhaps only US$125 mil ... It has the intrigue factor going for it. After all, when times get tough, the tough buy popcorn and try to forget reality."

And Tony Hollingsworth describes himself as "an unashamed Baz Luhrmann fan": "I think it can tick all the boxes, as the cast is top-notch, the trailers show impressive production values, and there's an X-Factor there with that young indigenous Australian. I think the film will respectfully show Australia's indigenous culture combined with our beautiful landscapes, creating a 'must-see-on-the-big screen' buzz".

* The Dark Knight has been the most successful movie so far this year, making $45.5 million here and $US528 million over there. That's the score to beat.
** Crocodile Dundee is the most successful Australian movie in history, making $48m here and $US175m there.

For more box office records, go to The films Australia loved.

• by David Dale at 07:25 PM
• Comments (10)

The Tribal Mind: When the trust goes, the viewers go shopping

To discuss how the latest immigrants are improving Australia, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
It's logical to assume that most Australians buy DVDs to recapture their pleasure in a movie they remember from the cinema or to catch up with a movie they didn't get round to seeing when it was first on. Logical, but wrong. There's much to be learned about how Australians are changing from this chart, kindly supplied by the research organisation GfK Australia:

Australia's top selling DVDs (first week of October): 1 Supernatural Season 3; 2 Horton Hears A Who; 3 AFL Premiers 2008 Hawthorn; 4 Two And A Half Men Season 4; 5 Heroes Season 2 Digipack Box Set; 6 Two And A Half Men Season 3; 7 Heroes Season 2 Slimcase; 8 Two And A Half Men Season 1; 9 Beverly Hills 90210 Season 5; 10 Happy Feet.

Only two of the ten are movies. One is a sports documentary. The rest are TV shows. And therein lies the mystery -- why are three of the ten best selling DVDs from a TV show which Channel Nine is already showing for five hours a week, two of them from a show Channel Seven is showing for an hour a week and one of them from a show Channel Ten is showing for an hour a week?

This is my speculation: it's because there is no longer any trust between viewers and TV stations.

The fans of Two and a Half Men, Heroes or Supernatural are thinking: "Yes, they may be showing it now, but any minute they'll cancel it, move it to late at night without telling me, play it out of order or interrupt the sequence with old episodes. The only way to be sure I can see it in the correct order, when I want to, is to buy every possible DVD. And then I'll never need to watch TV again."

Of course, no blockbuster movies were released around the time that chart was compiled. The top ten a month from now will no doubt include Iron Man, The Dark Knight, Sex and the City, and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. But if my thesis about the breakdown of trust is correct, the remining six next month will still be TV shows.

We might get a better sense of the trend by looking at the most purchased DVDs for the year so far: 1 Underbelly, 2 The Bucket List, 3 Alvin and the Chipmunks, 4 Step Up 2, 5 Stargate: Continuum (a made-for-TV movie); 6 Sweeney Todd; 7 Jumper; 8 Batman Begins; 9 Fool's Gold, 10 Rambo 2008.

The rest of the top 40 included two Wiggles song collections, Dexter season two (shown late at night by Ten), Flight of the Conchords season 1 (shown late by Ten); Top Gear in America (shown by SBS); Get Smart season 1; one made-for-TV Barbie story (that's the doll, not outdoor cooking) and a lot of movies.

So we'd be wrong to assume that Australians have stopped building up libraries of great movies. It's just that they are now also building up libraries of great TV series -- and panic buying to forestall the erratic behaviour of the TV networks which have ceased to be their main sources of entertainment.

• by David Dale at 03:03 PM
• Comments (16)

The Tribal Mind: Wave goodbye

To discuss saving the planet by eating more vegans, go to Who We Are
by David Dale
Television programming has always gone in waves -- a station notices that another station has a hit, assumes that represents a trend in public taste, and copies what it imagines to be the most appealing details. Then we get at least three versions of the one idea for the next three years, until program monotony leads to viewer mutiny.

This year, that strategy is not working. There are no trends in TV tastes, just fleeting fads. There are no waves, just single droplets. Programmers who tried to ride the surf have been bumped from their boards, dumped and left gasping on the sand. The viewers can spot a formula as soon as it's foisted on them, and their attention spans are too short to put up with copycatting.

Over the decades, we've seen the cowboy wave (Bonanza, Gunsmoke, Rawhide, Whiplash), the spy wave (The Man from UNCLE, I Spy, Danger Man), several lawyer waves (Perry Mason, The Defenders, Ally McBeal, The Practice), the Australian crime wave (Homicide, Cop Shop, Division 4, Matlock Police), several doctor waves (Ben Casey, Dr Kildare, E.R, Chicago Hope, Grey's Anatomy, House), the forensic wave (three CSIs, Bones, Cold Case), the reality wave (Big Brother, Survivor), the talent quest wave (Australian Idol, The X Factor, Dancing With the Stars), and the renovation wave (Backyard Blitz, Location, Location, Location, Better Homes and Gardens). But not any more. This has been a year of one-offs. Whenever the networks have sent in the clones, the viewers have sent them out again.

Inspired by the success of Underbelly and City Homicide, the programmers thought they'd spotted the start of another Aussie crime wave. So they commissioned Rush and The Strip (both with Kat Stewart replicas) which started with more than a million viewers and are now lucky to find 800,000.

Channel Nine thought the initial curiosity about Wipeout and Hole in the Wall suggested a SGSW (Stupid Game Show Wave) so it booked space at the Wipeout arena in Buenos Aires and offered to fly a bunch of Australian contestants there. Nine may have done its dough. Wipeout has plunged to 662,000 and Hole in the Wall to 673,000. And even if Gordon Ramsay may have represented a picky-chef wave, Nine killed that golden goose.

If the networks haven't learned their lesson, we should expect next year a bunch of dramedies about adult kids moving back into their parents' homes, a bunch of documentaries about reuniting separated family members, and a bunch of documentaries about saving sick animals.

Or possibly the networks will start making shows that break the mould and arise from individual creativity. It might just be starting to dawn on them that the age of waves is over. The only trend they need to spot is that the viewers have become smarter than the programmers

Go to Comments to discuss if the age of program clones is over

• by David Dale at 06:34 PM
• Comments (7)

The Tribal Mind: Why a duck

To discuss how to make Australians eat kangaroo, go to Who We Are
by David Dale
It would be despicable of me to let this year pass without drawing attention to a milestone we were in danger of forgetting -- the 70th anniversary of a seminal figure in modern Western thought. Back when he turned 50, The New York Times commissioned a psychiatrist to analyse him, and the shrink wrote: "He began as a simple manic depressive and developed over the years into a fully fledged paranoid schizophrenic". The diagnosis also referred to "chronic delusions of grandeur".

I'm talking of course, of Daffy Duck, who appeared in Australia 70 years ago in a Warner Bros cartoon called Porky's Duck Hunt. As you know, the world is divided into two types of people: those who think Disney produced the best cartoon characters and those who recognise the superiority of Warner.

Disney creatures (Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Goofy, Pluto) vary only in their cuteness and dumbness, while Warner characters (Bugs Bunny, Foghorn Leghorn, Sylvester, Tweety, Elmer Fudd) cover the full gamut of psychopathology. Disney is sweet and slapstick. Warner is cynical and strange. Disney is Sarah Palin. Warner is Tina Fey. Or in Australian terms, Disney is Kevin Rudd, Wayne Swan and Morris Iemma. Warner is Paul Keating, Brendan Nelson and Malcolm Turnbull -- not necessarily more likeable, but much more interesting.

As a kid, I was a fan of Donald Duck, the most engaging Disney character because of his streak of irritability. But as a teenager I moved to a mallard imaginaire who was more recognisably human. Daffy's creator, Chuck Jones, placed him in this context: "Elmer Fudd never knows what's going on; Bugs always knows what is going on and is in control of events; Daffy is bright enough to understand how to be in control, but he never quite makes it. Both Bugs and Daffy are talkers, but Daffy talks too much. Bugs stands back from a situation, analyses it and makes his move. Daffy becomes emotionally involved, loses his distance and blows it."

A recent Daffy appearance -- the semi-animated movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit -- has become a recommended text in the NSW English syllabus for Years 7-10. The students will see him in a nightclub performing a piano duet with Donald Duck. Donald waffles away in typically incomprehensible fashion, oblivious to the glares of Daffy. At the end, Daffy turns to the audience and expostulates: "Thith ith the latht time I work with thomeone with a thpeech impediment!"

Reflections on Daffy's anniversary led me to worry about the current condition of another great Warner creation, the Acme company. Its products may occasionally be unreliable, but it's an astonishing success story -- able, for example, to deliver products to the Arizona desert on the basis of orders received from a wild dog apparently without access to phone, fax or email.

How is the Wall Street meltdown affecting the maker of such essentials as the Acme Giant Kite Kit, the Acme Re-integrator Gun, Acme Leg Muscle Vitamins, Acme Jet-Propelled Roller Skates and the Acme Female Road Runner Costume?

If we consult the complete works of Daffy, we find the answer. In Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a Halfth Century, we find Daffy and Porky confronting Marvin the Martian. Both sides in the future conflict are using weapons bearing the Acme brand. Clearly capitalism -- and Daffy -- are due to survive for a while yet.

Go to Comments to discuss the Warner influence on contemporary culture.

• by David Dale at 05:29 AM
• Comments (7)

The Tribal Mind: Too much Australiana is more than enough

To discuss what movies our kids should study in English lessons, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
THE nationalists be damned. What this country needs is more American content on mainstream television -- or if not more, then at least different American content. Those who complain about US domination of our culture have only seen the junk the Australian networks choose to show us in prime time.

Last week's Emmy awards proved there's a cornucopia of US material that is more stimulating than most of the formulaic pap being produced in this country. The problem is that our networks think their prime time viewers are stupid, so they either broadcast the smart stuff at insomniac times of day or leave it to be snapped up by the Pay TV stations, thereby denying it to two thirds of the populace.

The program most honoured at the Emmys was 30 Rock, a screwball satire on the television industry. It won best comedy, best comic actress (Tina Fey), best comic actor (Alec Baldwin) and best comic writing (Tina Fey). Channel Seven has been showing it at 11.30pm, and last Friday's episode was watched by 352,000 people (plus an uncounted number who recorded it to watch at a civilised hour). That's an amazing result for such a timeslot. If any Pay TV station achieved that audience at any time of day, there would be a 21 gun salute in champagne corks.

Other awarded shows included In Treatment, a drama which examines the work of a psychotherapist played by Gabriel Byrne (starting this week on the Pay station Showcase); Mad Men, a comedy/drama about the advertising industry in the 1960s (on the Pay station Movie Extra), Damages, a drama about ruthless lawyers starring Glenn Close (shown erratically late at night by Channel Nine), and Pushing Daisies, a comedy about a man who can bring the dead back to life (owned but never shown by Nine).

Before you say that Australia is already swamped with Americana, look at the 40 most watched series on television so far this year. It turns out that only seven of them were born in the USA (House, Desperate Housewives, Criminal Minds, Two and a Half Men, CSI, Wipeout, and NCIS).

Another four are British (Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, Attenborough's Life in Cold Blood, Midsomer Murders, and Doc Martin). The remaining 29 are Australian, including such cutting edge material as Australia's Got Talent, Gladiators, The One - Australia's Greatest Psychic and Hole In The Wall.

It stirs my patriotic heart that this nation so strongly supports its own creative workers, but I felt a moment of treachery when I read the Emmy acceptance speech by Kirk Ellis, writer of the miniseries John Adams. He said the show was about "a period in our history when articulate men articulated complex thoughts in complete sentences. The word was primary. They believed in the word over the sword, and the word could change the world.''

That sounds like something I'd like to see on the ABC or on SBS. But they left it to Pay TV. It might finally be time to subscribe.

Is there too much Australian content on Australian TV? Tell us at Comments

• by David Dale at 02:57 AM
• Comments (27)

The Tribal Mind: Clever or just a passing phrase?

To discuss what Australia history our kids should learn, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
HOW you doin? Note the italics in the middle. Those three words provoked a small punchup between this column and some of its readers. The argument was over whether it's a classic example of clever screenwriting, worthy of celebration at this year's Emmy Awards ceremony, or merely a catchphrase hallowed by repetition.

The fight started when I asked readers to nominate memorable dialogue from Australian television (here), then lamented that most of the suggestions ("What's that, Skip?"; "Leave the money on the fridge"; "Puck you, Miss"; "Look at moiye"; "She goes, she goes"; "Game on, moll") were more in the nature of catchphrases than clever writing (here).

Some readers wrote to complain that when I introduced the topic, I had given "How you doin?" as an example of the kind of writing that is being celebrated at the Emmys. They objected that this pickup line used by Joey Tribbiani in Friends was just a catchphrase.

For me, the line, accompanied by a leer, encapsulates Joey's character - his lustfulness, his stupidity, his vanity, and his attitude to women. It turned into a catchphrase precisely because brevity is the soul of wit.

Other readers took up the challenge and sent these examples from 52 years of Australian TV writing:

"Are you trying to feel me up?" "No, I just mistook your boob for an M and M." (The Secret Life of Us)

"There's an ancient current affairs recipe my grandmother gave me: take any story, add sex and stir." (Frontline)

"Get your head out of your date, Bill. Where are my hookers?" (Stingers)

"You're my second best friend. You can't be my best friend. Brian's my best friend!" (The Mavis Bramston Show)

Kim: "I've got the concept for the new kitchen. We've decided we want solid monogamy!" Kath: "Oh no, monogamy's so old fashioned. You just need a veneer of monogamy. That's all people care about". (Kath and Kim)

"This beer is gonna taste so good I'll probably have another." (Police Rescue)

"You don't know whether you're Siddartha or Martha." (Love My Way)

"Dick Smith is currently fighting a court battle with Arnott's. They've accused him of ripping off their Tim Tam range of biscuits with his own TempTins. This is not the first time Dick's done this to Arnott's. If I could draw your attention to Exhibit B: Arnott's very popular Scotch Fingers. This is Dick Smith's slightly less popular Scotch Thumbs. Not quite as long and not so many.
"Here's another one. Arnott's Gaiety biscuits. Here's Dick Smith's: Homosexuality biscuits. It's your choice and a perfectly valid one. And I used to love these as a kid -- Arnott's Iced Vovos. Here's Dick's: Miced Volvos. That one doesn't even make any sense." (Micallef)

Have a look at the Emmys today and be inspired or appalled. Then go to Comments to send us more examples of Australian creativity.

• by David Dale at 06:01 AM
• Comments (3)

The Who We Are update: Week 42

This week of the blog is now a heritage item -- worth studying but no longer current. For today's media trends, bookmark http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
To discuss reducing misery on this planet by eating more vegans, go to Who We Are.
To learn why TV tastes don't run in trends, go to The Tribal Mind.

The ratings race, updated 10 am Sunday
As you know, movies no longer attract big numbers on free to air television. People who didn't see a film at the cinema have had a couple of years to see it on DVD or on Pay TV before it reaches the commercial networks. But on Friday night a giant exception manifested itself: a kidflick in the Mary Poppins vein called Nanny McPhee. Anybody care to explain why the Nanny got more than a million viewers, beat the pants off Alexander and Munich, and boosted Channel Ten's morale in an otherwise sluggish week?

The week ended with Seven averaging 30.1 per cent of the prime time audience, with Nine on 25.3, Ten on 20.5, ABC on 18.8 and SBS on 5.3. Seven won every night but Monday.

What Australia watched, Saturday
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,137,000 305,000 325,000 223,000 89,000 194,000
2 ABC NEWS-SAT ABC1 964,000 302,000 280,000 168,000 89,000 125,000
3 THE BILL ABC1 942,000 280,000 307,000 153,000 94,000 108,000
4 NINE NEWS SATURDAY Nine 941,000 261,000 295,000 209,000 101,000 75,000
5 AUSTRALIA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEO SHOW Nine 875,000 264,000 207,000 189,000 93,000 123,000
6 ABC NEWS UP-DATE ABC1 828,000 262,000 255,000 138,000 76,000 98,000
7 ROUGH DIAMOND ABC1 820,000 257,000 257,000 124,000 78,000 104,000
8 M-SHARK TALE Seven 740,000 228,000 233,000 112,000 60,000 107,000
9 GARDENING AUSTRALIA-EV ABC1 660,000 183,000 221,000 120,000 62,000 73,000
10 JUMANJI RPT Ten 627,000 146,000 193,000 132,000 58,000 98,000
11 MONSTER HOUSE Nine 620,000 181,000 167,000 102,000 74,000 97,000
15 M-PRETTY WOMAN Seven 422,000 259,000 68,000 96,000
16 DUKES OF HAZZARD -RPT Nine 406,000 117,000 115,000 64,000 59,000 51,000
17 KING KONG RPT Ten 405,000 107,000 140,000 58,000 46,000 55,000
24 NINE'S HORSE RACING Nine 313,000 74,000 142,000 45,000 34,000 18,000
34 ROCKWIZ SBS 197,000 67,000 62,000 27,000 21,000 20,000

• by David Dale at 07:07 AM
• Comments (80)

The Tribal Mind: The write stuff?

To discuss why Australians watched the 40 most popular programs of 2008, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale.
YOU be the judge. Are these the best lines ever written for Australian television ...
"What's that, Skip?''
"So she goes, she goes, she goes ...."
"I'm gonna jump through your speakers and rip yer bloody arms off."
"I prefer to remain ambiguous." "Have you gone completely beresque?" "Of course, I'm not one to cast nasturtiums but..." "What are you incinerating?"
"The Kingswood? The Kingswood! You're not taking the Kingswood!" "Leave the money on the fridge"
"Puck You Miss." "That's so Random."
"Look at moiyee." "It's nice, it's unusual, it's different." "I like what I see -- Oh Kel, what do you call that?'' "Ooh, something smells nice and it's not that tuna mornay!"
"That woman is the biggest gossip this side of the Western Plains!"
"I said Love, I said Pet, I said Pet, I said Love ..." "I sit here working my fingers to the bone from 2 till 4, two days a week!"
"Howzit! Dr Rudy yah ..."
"How embarrassment."
"Hold my hand, Miss Pat."
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, B1?"
"Wake up, Jeff!"
"Good evening Australia, I'm Kerri-Anne Kennel; it's great to be watching me."
"Tense? Tense? I'm as tense as a row of camps.''
"It is my right to have sex whenever and with whomever I want." "Yes, it's a right, not an obligation."
"What you're telling me is, the 100-metre track is .... about 100 metres?"
"Maybe it's one of those cheap funerals where you dump the coffin beside the road somewhere and then go home and ring up the council."

These were nominated by readers when this column asked for classic lines from Australian television series. I was looking for material to match the American TV dialogue being collected for this year's Emmy Awards ceremony, which will honour the work of screenwriters.

I don't want to seem ungrateful, but my feeling is that, with the exception of the final three (from Marshall Law, The Games, and Mother and Son), most of the lines submitted so far are more in the nature of catchphrases than clever writing. They have nostalgia on their side, but not a lot of wit.

Australian screenwriters must have been more creative than that in the past 52 years. I'm sure there are more diamonds to be mined from the memories of this column's TV-addicted readers, so I'm keeping auditions open for another week. If you'd like to offer examples, go to Comments.

Correction: Several readers noted an attribution error when I quoted some of American dialogue to be honoured at the Emmys. The line "I may be dead but I'm still pretty -- which is more than I can say for you" was of course spoken by Buffy, not Cordelia. Now over to you to better it.

To discuss why Australians watched the 40 most popular programs of 2008, go to Who We Are

The lines above came from Sonny, Skippy The Bush Kangaroo; Kylie Mole, The Comedy Company; Aunty Jack; Dorrie, Number 96; Kingswood Country; Jonah, Jam'ie, in Summer Heights High; Kath and Kim; Sgt Tom Croydon in Blue Heelers; Lyn, Big Girl's Blouse; Life Support; Effie, Acropolis Now; Mr Squiggle; Bananas in Pyjamas; The Wiggles; Fast Forward; The Norman Gunston Show; John Clarke, The Games; Ros and Verity, Marshall Law; Robert, Mother and Son.

• by David Dale at 02:57 PM
• Comments (22)

The Tribal Mind: Hens just want to have fun

To discuss the best lines ever written for Australian television, go to The dialogue.

by David Dale
A movie currently playing around Australia is being advertised with this quote: "Bonneville has the unmistakable feel of a tearjerker. It has been a long while since an older female demographic had a film to make them laugh and cry in the manner of Steel Magnolias or Fried Green Tomatoes."

Would that make you want to go and see Bonneville? It doesn't work for me, but then, I am not the target audience. The ad is aimed at the hot new niche in moviegoing: mature women. This is the year of the Henflick.

Yes, I realise that a few weeks ago, this column declared it to be The Year of the Brainy Blockbuster. That was because of the extraordinary performance of The Dark Knight, which has so far sold four million tickets in Australia and replaced Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone as No. 7 biggest moneymaker of all time.

But if you look at this year's box office chart, you see an even more unusual phenomenon: 1 The Dark Knight $44 million; 2 Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull $29.5m; 3 Mamma Mia! $29.5m; 4 Sex and The City $27m; 5 Kung Fu Panda $26m.

Until this year, the top 50 moneymakers of all time included only two chickflicks: My Big Fat Greek Wedding, which earned $28 million in 2002 and Moulin Rouge, which earned $28 million in 2001 (unless you count Titanic, which made $58 million by combining elements of the chick flick, the action thriller and the epic fantasy).

The advent of Mamma Mia! and Sex and the City has doubled the chick flick quota in the list, which includes 25 epic fantasies (such as the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy, and the Harry Potter quintet), 14 family comedies (such as Shrek 2, Crocodile Dundee, Babe and Finding Nemo) and, as of this month, four chickflicks (for details on the all-time moneymakers, go to The films Australia loved).

You can see where there's room for growth, at relatively low cost. Filmmakers are rushing to fill the gap, except that their present targets are not the teenage girls who went to see Titanic four times each, but women over 30 -- the tearjerkees nominated by the advertisers of Bonneville.

Not all the new henflicks thrive -- Baby Mama, about a 37 year old woman who craves a child, has made only $1.8m in 2 weeks, as fans of Tina Fey discover she's not nearly as funny as in her TV series 30 Rock. Bonneville made only $81,000 in its first week, which won't even cover the cost of the newspaper ads. The mature chicks may not like being analysed, compartmentalised and patronised.

The next big push for their attention will be Australia, which is Baz Luhrman's attempt to hit the Titanic trifecta. But at the risk of making a fool of myself with another prediction, I reckon the year end box office chart will show Mamma Mia! (soon to be re-released in a "singalong" version) ahead of Australia. Unlike Luhrman, it does not take itself too seriously.

Give us your prediction at Comments

• by David Dale at 11:13 AM
• Comments (13)

The Tribal Mind: The smartest lines on the box

To discuss how the Greeks conquered Australia, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
The Emmy awards ceremony, in which Hollywood honours a whole lot of programs our networks end up showing late at night or not at all, will this year make a feature of the most memorable lines of dialogue in 60 years of scripted television. It's apparently an attempt to cheer up the screenwriters who went on strike earlier this year in an attempt to to get extra payments when their work is sold again (via DVDs and the internet).

Already US websites are jumping with nominations, so before we get on to the topic of the most memorable lines in Australian television history, you can test yourself on your retention skills.

Which characters, on which shows, said these?
"Live long and prosper."
"As I once said to Celine Dion -- why the long face?"
"Pick me. Choose me. Love me."
"Did a dingo eat your byebee?"
"How you doin?"
"We were on a break."
"The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself, and if you find someone who loves the YOU that you love, it could be fabulous."
"Mrs Peel, we're needed."
"I may be dead but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you."
"Not that there's anything wrong with that."
"Lucy, you got some 'splaining to do."
"Legend- ... wait for it, and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the next part of this word is ... -dary."
"Make it so."
"Just one more question ...".
"Everyone lies."
"Who loves ya, baby?"

Of course you had no trouble with those (if you did, answers below*). It goes to show how America has dominated Australian television forever and what a wasted life you've had. Now here's your chance to put all those eye-numbing hours to national use. We want a comparable list from Australian-made television. Let these names jog your memory.

The most successful scripted series in Australian television history: Hey Dad; Homicide; The Paul Hogan Show; Kath and Kim; Underbelly; The Comedy Company; Blue Heelers; The Norman Gunston Show; Number 96; Wildside, The Sullivans; City Homicide; The Mavis Bramston Show; Fast Forward/ Full Frontal; Mother and Son; All Saints; McLeod's Daughters; Frontline; A Country Practice; Seachange; Summer Heights High; Kingswood Country; The Aunty Jack Show; The Games; Water Rats; Prisoner; Division 4; The Secret Life of Us; Cop Shop, The Naked Vicar Show; The D Generation; Stingers; Blue Murder; plus a few that were less successful but contained lines worth quoting: Life Support; Australia, You're Standing In It; Love My Way; The Late Show; Newstopia (and most other Shaun Micallef series).

Go to Comments to give us your favourite lines from great Australian television

(*Answers: Spock, Star Trek; Karen Walker, Will and Grace; Meredith, Grey's Anatomy; Elaine, Seinfeld; Joey, Friends; Ross, Friends; Carrie, Sex and the City; Steed, The Avengers; Cordelia, Buffy; George and Jerry, Seinfeld; Ricky, I Love Lucy; Barney, How I Met Your Mother; Jean Luc Picard, Star Trek; Columbo; House; Kojack. Go here for more detail on the Emmys, which are announced on September 22, Australian time.)

• by David Dale at 01:57 PM
• Comments (25)

The Tribal Mind: The viewers' verdict

To learn why New Zealand should become part of Australia, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
Three weeks ago, inspired by a claim allegedly made by Channel Nine's news director, John Westacott, that "to make it in this industry, you gotta have f---ability", this column sought readers' help to develop a Desirability Index for the personalities on Australian television.

Conventional wisdom in the newspaper industry says that for every reader who expresses an opinion there's another thousand who share the view but didn't get around to sending a letter or email. Thus we can safely say that the list you are about to read represents the thinking of 151,151 viewers (Click here to read all the responses).

Some readers treated the column as a therapist's couch, telling us a little more than we needed to know. Bianca wrote: "I'm a glutton for punishment - I like men who are edgy sexy, even a little on the grumpy side. The less they give, the more I want! Prime example is Hugh Laurie from the international show House. Also Julian MacMahon from Nip/ Tuck. Australians Kristian Schmidt from Sea Patrol and Marcus Graham from Underbelly have an alluring appeal too."

The other 150 contributors were more concise but equally insightful. Here, in order of public preference, are the people who received more than three votes ...

The most f---able people on Australian television this year
1 Rupert Penry-Jones (Spooks)
2 Jennifer Hawkins (Make Me A Supermodel)
3 Todd Sampson (The Gruen Transfer)
4 Jennifer Morrison (House)
5 Jensen Ackles (Supernatural)
6 Kate Walsh (Private Practice)
7 Hugh Laurie (House)
8 Myf Warhurst (Spicks and Specks)
9 Jesse Spencer (House)
10 Diana Glenn (Satisfaction)
11 Daniel McPherson (City Homicide)
12 Natalie Bassingthwaighte (So You Think You Can Dance Australia)
13 Bridget Taylor (The Gruen Transfer)
14 David Tennant (Dr Who)
15 Adam Hills (Spicks and Specks)
16 Saskia Burmeister (Sea Patrol)
17 Tina Fey (30 Rock)
18 Olivia Wilde (House)
19 Wil Traval (All Saints)
20 Karen Tso (Nine news)
21 Janice Petersen (SBS news)
22 Hamish Blake (Thank God You're Here)
23 Katherine Heigl (Grey's Anatomy)
24 Shelley Craft (Domestic Blitz)
25 Kristian Schmidt (Sea Patrol)
26 Reuben Mourad (The Weather Channel)
27 Ben Damon (Seven sports)
28 Marcia Cross (Desperate Housewives)
29 Daniel Goddard (The Young and the Restless)
30 Marcus Graham (Underbelly)
31 Jeremy Lindsay Taylor (Sea Patrol)

Now to test The Westacott Hypothesis. We'll define "making it in this industry" as being in a show which attracts more than 1.1 million viewers in the mainland capitals. Four of the most desirable are in House, and in the first half of this year, it was Australia's most watched US drama. Strong correlation there. Ditto for Spicks and Specks and The Gruen Transfer, each with two representatives in the index and 1.2 million viewers.

Underbelly, Desperate Housewives, Sea Patrol, Domestic Blitz, and Grey's Anatomy also support a looks/ ratings link. But then again, Spooks, SBS news, 30 Rock, Satisfaction, The Weather Channel, and The Young and The Restless are well below the success point.

In any case, correlation is not the same as cause. It's possible House, Specks and Gruen are hits because of their brains rather than their beauties. And onstead of pulling viewers, Rupert Penry Jones, Kate Walsh and Jensen Ackles might be driving them away, as viewers consider them too gorgeous to be a plausible spook, GP or ghost hunter.

The Westacott Hypothesis could be a trifle simplistic. The search for the magic formula continues.

The images, top left to bottom right: Penry-Jones, Warhurst, Ackles, Petersen, Goddard, Blake, Lindsay Taylor, Morrison, Traval, Burmeister, Sampson, Glenn.

• by David Dale at 12:24 PM
• Comments (23)

The Tribal Mind: We'd rather be gardening

To learn why New Zealand should become part of Australia, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
COCOONING. That's the word for what Australians are up to this year. You can see it in the way they're watching television and in the way they're buying magazines. With world politics confusing and the local economy alarming, we seek comfort in cooking, gardening, renovating, pet care and self-improvement.

After a year of adventure in which we boldly elected a Labor government, we're retreating inwards. On the box, we avoid challenges and embrace Domestic Blitz, RSPCA Animal Rescue and Better Homes and Gardens. At the newsagents, we avoid scandal and embrace Delicious, Health Smart and Better Homes and Gardens.

The six monthly report of the Audit Bureau of Circulations, released on Friday, contained depressing news for magazine publishers and comforting news for newspaper publishers. Of the 149 magazines measured by the bureau, 53 have suffered a drop in sales of more than 5 per cent, while only 18 have risen by more than 5 per cent. Of the 34 capital city newspapers measured by the bureau, none have dropped (or risen) by more than 5 per cent.

The changes in magazine sales suggest that, between mid 2007 and mid 2008 ...
158,000 Australians lost interest in gossip (big drops for Famous, New Idea, Woman's Day, NW and OK!)
59,000 lost interest in orgasms (Cleo, Cosmopolitan)
56,000 lost interest in breasts (Ralph, FHM, People, Picture and Zoo Weekly)
171,000 gained interest in personal fitness (a rise for Men's Health and the launch of Women's Health and Health Smart)
54,000 gained interest in houses and gardening (Belle, Better Homes and Gardens, Family Handyman, Gardening Australia, and Your Garden)
28,000 gained interest in food and wine (Delicious, Gourmet Traveller, Healthy Food Guide and Super Food Ideas).

So it's farewell to Britney, Paris, Lindsay, Katie, Angelina and the two Nicoles. Australia no longer wants to know you - unless you can tell us how to cook a nourishing brunch for the family.

What Australians read
1 The Sunday Telegraph 663,000 a week (down 1 per cent))
2 The Sunday Herald-Sun (Melbourne) 622,000 (unchanged)
3 The Sunday Mail (Brisbane) 565,000 a week (down 5%)
4 Women's Weekly 530,000 a month (down 12)
5 The Herald-Sun (Melbourne) 530,000 a day (down 1)
6 The Herald-Sun Saturday 511,000 (down 1)
7 The Sun-Herald 483,000 a week (down 4)
8 Woman's Day 430,000 a week (down 10)
9 The Daily Telegraph 385,000 a day (down 2)
10 The Sydney Morning Herald Saturday 358,000 (down 2)
11 New Idea 351,000 a week (down 10)
12 The West Australian Saturday 343,000 (down 4)
13 The Daily Telegraph Saturday 327,000 a week (down 2)
14 Readers Digest 350,000 a month (down 1)
15 Better Homes and Gardens 335,000 a month (up 14)
16 The Sunday Times (Perth) 328,000 (down 3)
17 The Sunday Mail (Adelaide) 313,000 a week (down 2)
18 Super Food Ideas 310,000 a month (up 6)
19 The Courier-Mail Sat 310,000 a week (down 2)
20 That's Life! 307,000 a week (down 7)
21 The Age (Melbourne) Saturday 302,000 (same)
22 The Weekend Australian 301,000 a week (up 1)
23 Take 5 257,000 a week (down 1)
24 The Advertiser (Adelaide) Saturday 256,000 (down 1)
25 TV Week 239,000 a week (down 9)
26 The Sunday Age 228,000 a week (up 1)
27 The Courier-Mail 218,000 a day (down 2)
28 The Age 208,000 a day (up 1)
29 The West Australian 195,000 a day (down 4)
30 The Advertiser 190,000 a day (down 1)

To explain these changes in Australia's reading habits, go to Comments

• by David Dale at 03:26 PM
• Comments (2)

The Tribal Mind: The prophecy buster

To learn why New Zealand should become part of Australia, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
This column is getting out of the predictions business. Blame Batman -- well, The Joker, really -- for throwing off our calculations. I hereby confess to underestimating the intelligence of the Australian moviegoer. I did not foresee the dawning of The Age of the Brainy Blockbuster.

Last year this column said no film would ever again earn more than $40 million in Australian cinemas, because the passion has gone from our relationship with The Movies. People just don't revisit the multiplex for a second look at the latest fad nearly as often as they did in the Titanic era.

Two weeks ago I compounded that folly by asserting that The Dark Knight would sell fewer tickets than Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, because it is too thoughtful and too demanding. My thinking was influenced by disappointment that Iron Man, a smart re-imagining of the superhero genre, sold only $20 million worth of tickets, while the cliche cluster that is IJ4 made $29.5 million.

Then The Dark Knight makes a monkey's uncle out of me by earning $34 million in three weeks, which means it has already been seen by more than three million Australians (or three million times by one very rich geek). It is about to join this record-breaking elite ...

The highest grossing films of all time in Australia: 1 Titanic (1997) $58 million; 2 Shrek 2 (2004) $50m; 3 The Return of the King (2003) $49m; 4 Crocodile Dundee (1986) $48m; 5 Fellowship of the Ring (2001) $47m; 6 The Two Towers (2002) $46m; 7 Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (2001) $42m; 8 Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace (1999) $39m; 9 Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006) $38 m; 10 Babe (1995) $37m. (For the full list, go to The films Australia loved.)

Next week The Dark Knight will bump Babe from tenth spot on that chart. A week later, it will bump SW1 from Number 8. Will it go on to pass the unreachable $40m? Don't ask me. I'm out of the predictions business.

As corny as IJ4 may be, it has at least contributed a new term to the language of entertainment analysis. You are familiar, I'm sure, with "Jump the shark", which describes what happens to a TV series when the writers become so desperate to recapture lost audience they introduce obvious gimmicks. Now we have the cinema equivalent: "Nuke the fridge''.

Here's the definition from Urban Dictionary: "A colloquialism used to delineate the precise moment at which a cinematic franchise has crossed over from remote plausibility to self parodying absurdity, usually indicating a low point in the series from which it is unlikely to recover. A reference to one of the opening scenes of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, in which the titular hero manages to avoid death by nuclear explosion by hiding inside a kitchen refrigerator.

"Sample usage: 'Man, when Peter Parker started doing the emo dance in Spider-Man 3, that franchise officially nuked the fridge'."

Go to comments to tell us about the nuke the fridge moments in other movies.

Footnote: Last week this column asked for reader input on who are the most f---able people on Australian television. We are curently processing the 135 responses we received -- including a surprisingly negative reaction to Natalie Bassingthwaighte, even before she performed Advance Australia Fair for Kevin Rudd -- and we'll bring you the consensus in two weeks (next Monday's column needs to deal with the latest magazine circulation figures). Meanwhile you can still contribute to The Desirability Index by going here.

• by David Dale at 04:40 PM
• Comments (12)

The Who We Are Update: Week 32

This week of the blog is now a heritage item -- worth studying but no longer current. For the latest discussion, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
To discuss the most desirable people on Australian television, go to The Tribal Mind.
To learn why New Zealand should become part of Australia, go to Who We Are.

The ratings race, updated 10 am Sunday
On Friday night an average of 3.3 million people in the mainland capitals watched the opening ceremony between 10 pm and 2am. Seven reports that the peak audience was 4.4 million early in the coverage, and 2.5 million were still watching when the Australians marched in at the end of the event.

What Australia watched, Saturday
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Network 7 2,218,000 683,000 621,000 448,000 187,000 280,000
2 BEIJING OLYMPICS: D1 PRIMETIME Network 7 2,214,000 719,000 553,000 476,000 201,000 265,000
3 BEIJING OLYMPICS: D1 FRINGE Network 7 1,717,000 541,000 494,000 330,000 166,000 187,000
4 BEIJING OLYMPICS: D1 AFTERNOON Network 7 1,205,000 362,000 346,000 241,000 128,000 129,000
5 BEIJING OLYMPICS: D1 LATE NIGHT Network 7 1,071,000 353,000 333,000 177,000 108,000 101,000
6 NINE NEWS SATURDAY Network 9 1,033,000 254,000 296,000 233,000 145,000 104,000
7 BEIJING OLYMPICS: D1 LATE MORNING Network 7 1,030,000 250,000 358,000 155,000 134,000 133,000
8 AUSTRALIA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEO SHOW Network 9 886,000 194,000 250,000 212,000 117,000 114,000
11 THE BILL-EV Network ABC1 726,000 243,000 182,000 120,000 86,000 96,000
12 SATURDAY NIGHT AFL Network TEN 650,000 82,000 334,000 31,000 73,000 130,000
21 SATURDAY AFTERNOON AFL Network TEN 417,000 44,000 200,000 43,000 80,000 51,000
26 BEIJING 2008: MENS CYCLING ROAD RACE Network SBS 347,000 110,000 124,000 48,000 37,000 28,000
31 BEIJING 2008: WOMENS FOOTBALL SWE V ARG Network SBS 300,000 109,000 92,000 52,000 30,000 16,000
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

• by David Dale at 06:23 PM
• Comments (80)

The Tribal Mind: Looks aren't everything, but they're way ahead of whatever's in second place

To discuss the urban myths and scandals of Sydney, go to Who We Are

by David Dale

Although this column's subject matter is popular culture, that doesn't mean it is shallow. When we declare that today's topic is the best-looking people on television, you will understand that our purpose is deep and serious. Physical appearance matters in the media (except on blogs, mercifully). Jobs can be lost with a single wrinkle and saved with a single act of surgery.

In Hollywood they have a term for what they consider the essential quality in a performer or presenter. A forum in the intellectual magazine Salon discussed this recently: "One of the prime qualities a leading movie star must have is f---ability ... Do you honestly think that it's talent alone that puts them into 'leading' category, as opposed to 'character actor'. Falling in love with the hero or heroine of the movie is often what it's all about. If that doesn't happen for you, then the movie won't work for you."

Apparently f---ability is a combination of good looks and that elusive quality called Presence. Salon suggested that the reason Ellen Page did not win the Best Actress Oscar this year for Juno might have been that she lacked f---ability (despite playing a girl who was pregnant throughout the film, which is only ironic if you take the term too literally).

The term has entered the vocabulary of our own industry. The news director of Channel Nine, John Westacott, is alleged to have told his staff last year: "To make it in this industry, you gotta have f---ability".

This column eschews linguistic crudeness as energetically at it eschews intellectual shallowness, so we are going to use a D word instead of an F word, and try to test the Westacott Theory by developing a "Desirability Index" for Australian television.

Exactly two years ago, with the help of readers, we came up with a shortlist of TV's best-looking people that included Jennifer Hawkins, Erika Heynatz, Deborah Hutton, Evangeline Lilley, Eva Longoria, Juanita Phillips, Naomi Robson, Sandra Sully, Jana Wendt, and Tom Williams. Sadly, some of those people are no longer on television or no longer so attractive.

So we need your advice on an update we are compiling with the help of a panel of persons of all sexual orientations. Consider this a work in progress ...

The most desirable people on Australian television, 2008:
Local Division
Natalie Bassingthwaighte (So You Think You Can Dance Australia)
Chris Bath (Seven news)
Mark Ferguson (Nine news)
Liz Hayes (60 Minutes)
Jeremy Lindsay Taylor (Sea Patrol)
Daniel McPerson (City Homicide)
Brendan Moar (Lifestyle's Moar Gardening)
Matt Passmore (McLeod's Daughters)
Bridget Taylor (The Gruen Transfer)
Julia Zemiro (Rockwiz).
The obvious omission from this list is Sonia Kruger, who is only missing because Dancing with the Stars hasn't been on yet.
International division
David Boreanaz (Bones)
Patrick Dempsey (Grey's Anatomy)
Tina Fey (30 Rock)
Evangeline Lilly (Lost)
Eva Longoria (Desperate Housewives)
Jesse Spencer (House)
Kate Walsh (Private Practice)
Matthew Settle (Gossip Girl)
David Tennant (Doctor Who)
Olivia Wilde (House).

Tell us who we've missed and misjudged by going to Comments. We'll use your input to develop a final list of the most desirable people on television, and scientifically correlate that with the success of their shows, thereby testing the Westacott Theory on f---ability.

• by David Dale at 03:06 PM
• Comments (155)

The Tribal Mind: A generation found in space

To learn how Australians spend their new wealth, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
Last week marked the end of Australia's Second Age of television and the start of the Third Age. Two days separated those events. On Monday, Channel Ten farewelled Big Brother, and with it the notion that broadcast television can save its life by targeting viewers aged 16 to 39. On Wednesday, the ABC welcomed iView, and with it the notion that people who own computers need never use their TV sets again. Both hastened the doom of the networks as we know them.

The first age of television lasted from the mid 50s to the mid 80s, a period when the networks made and bought TV shows designed to appeal to everyone. The second age began when Channel Ten decided to limit its audience to viewers aged 16-39, recognising that it could not compete with Nine and Seven for the mass market. The launch of Big Brother in 2001 was the pinnacle of this niche marketing.

But as the Noughties proceeded, the 16-39s came to regard broadcast television as a quaint anachronism. There were too many other things to do. Big Brother didn't fail because Kyle Sandilands is embarrassing and Jackie O is pathetic. It was just a victim of social change (go here to discuss BB's contribution to our culture).

The 16-39s are the lost demographic. They will never again commit to, identify with, or enthuse about any program crafted specifically for them. They still switch on the box sometimes, but they are usually doing something else at the time -- texting, MSNing, surfing the web, loading their iPods, making their own programs for Myface, bookYou or spaCetuBe. And they won't stop doing that when they pass 40.

To the extent that they engage with mainstream television at all, these have been their favourite shows this month: Two and a Half Men, Dexter, Wipeout, How I Met Your Mother, Rove, Big Brother evictions, My Name is Earl, The Simpsons, NCIS, The Gruen Transfer, Good News Week. But if all those programs disappeared from the nightly schedule, the under 40s wouldn't be concerned.

On Wednesday, the ABC demonstrated that it has a better understanding than the commercial networks of the way Australians now expect to consume their entertainments. It launched a website on which anybody with high speed broadband can watch most of the programs currently associated with the ABC, anytime they like, with the capacity to pause, rewind and fast forward.

The ABC's managing director Mark Scott acknowledged that less than half of Australian households at this point have the broadband speed that will show iView at its best. But he pointed out that when the ABC launched radio 2BL in the 1930s, less than ten per cent of Sydney people had suitable wireless receivers, and when ABC television started in 1956, less than five per cent had TV sets. The principle is: "If you build it, they will come". In its first 24 hours, abc.net.au/iview was visited by 58,000 people.

I must say my experience of it has been disappointing: I couldn't find Spicks and Specks on its menu*, and when I clicked on the Pompeii episode of Doctor Who I'd missed two weeks ago, I found the image out of focus and the voices out of sync with the lips. But there were doubtless worse glitches in the early days of radio and television.

The key question is: will the commercial networks react to this by starting their own iViews, or will they keep their heads in the sand and go quietly into that dark night that is less than a decade away?

Go to Comments to tell us what you think they will do.

* Footnote, 11am Monday: The ABC has been in touch to explain that Spicks and Specks is not yet available on iView because they are still negotiating copyright on the music played there. The good news is that they are "working on it". The bad news is that programs will only be available on iView for a limited time, as a condition of agreements between the ABC and the creators. Thus the Pompeii episode of Doctor Who has now been removed.

• by David Dale at 02:08 PM
• Comments (17)

The Tribal Mind: We've found the hero we need

To learn how Big Brother made Australia smarter, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
The revelation that The Dark Knight sold $2.3 million worth of tickets on its first day in Australian cinemas (more than most movies sell in a week) reminds me of this column's promise to do a reality check on a foolish prediction made here last month. When Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull earned $12.3 million in its first week, I said it would end up selling far fewer tickets than its predecessor, Raiders of the Lost Ark, despite the conventional wisdom that blockbusters always total about three times their first week's takings.

My reasoning: IJ4 does not satisfy the requirements of the archetypal Hero's Journey (explained here); has a dud McGuffin (the alien football is no match for the Ark of the Covenant or The Holy Grail -- explained here); has a cliche climax (UFOs again!); and fails to give its villain a satisfying sendoff (Our Cate's demise is a pale imitation of the Nazi head melt in IJ1, despite leaps in special effects since 1981).

To be as successful as the original, IJ4 needed to earn $33 million. In fact, it will leave Australian cinemas with $29.5 million. That suggests that it did not generate enthusiastic word-of-mouth. If it had the emotional resonance of IJ1 and IJ3, it would have picked up repeat business during the school holidays, but its core audience (teenage boys of all ages) were easily distracted by such other heroes as John Hancock, Maxwell Smart, Prince Caspian, Zohan Dvir, Po Panda and, most recently, Bruce Wayne.

Here's the box office chart for the year up to last Thursday: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull $29m; Sex and The City $26m; I Am Legend $23m; Kung Fu Panda $23m (in three weeks); Iron Man $20m; Alvin and the Chipmunks $18m; 27 Dresses $16m; Hancock $16m (in two weeks); Narnia: Prince Caspian $14m; Get Smart $14m (in three weeks); Dr Suess Horton Hears a Who $12m; American Gangster $12m; Juno $12m; You Don't Mess With The Zohan $11m; Mamma Mia $8m (in one week).

The Dark Knight has all the qualities IJ4 lacked: depth, complexity, imagination, characterisation, and a literate script. The special effects will draw the teens, and grownups will be curious about Heath Ledger's performance and intrigued by the examination of moral responsibility in civilised societies.

TDK will certainly gross more than the $16 million made by its predecessor, Batman Begins, in 2005. But will it sell more tickets than Batman, the 1989 movie in which Michael Keaton was the dark knight and Jack Nicholson was The Joker? That made $13.8m, which would be $23m at today's ticket prices.

Having had a rare success with the prediction about IJ4, this column should quit while its ahead, but I'm going to go again: TDK won't be the biggest moneymaker of this year (that will be Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince) or even the second biggest (IJ4) or the third biggest (Sex and the city or Kung Fu Panda).

It deserves to beat those blockbusters, but it won't, because it's too thoughtful. I'd like to be proved wrong, because that will mean moviegoers prefer a movie that respects their intelligence. Lets revisit this topic in eight weeks, and meantime, you can offer your predictions by going to Comments

• by David Dale at 05:39 AM
• Comments (6)

The Tribal Mind: Evolving discs

To discuss what the world would be like without Australia, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
Australians are changing the way they enjoy their DVDs. As we approach the tenth anniversary of the arrival in this country of the first flick on disc (Evita), there's much to learn from comparing what we bought in the past ten years with what we bought in the past six months.

You'll get an inkling of the transformation from the tops of the charts kindly supplied by the research organisation GfK Australia ...
The best selling DVDs of all time: 1. Finding Nemo; 2. Shrek 2; 3. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban; 4. Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers; 5. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (complete list here).
The best selling DVDs this year: 1. Underbelly; 2. Ratatouille; 3. Hairspray; 4. Family Guy: Blue Harvest; 5. The Bourne Ultimatum; 6. 27 Dresses; 7. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix; 8. Transformers; 9. Bee Movie; 10. Shrek The Third.

This year's top 50 includes eight TV shows, such as The Sopranos, Summer Heights High, Gilmore Girls and Stargate. The all-time top 50 includes no TV shows. This year's Top 50 includes two music discs (by the violinist Andre Rieu). The all-time top 50 contains no music (although if we were examining the top 100, we'd find The Eagles: Hell Freezes Over at 72, with sales of 300,000).

In the 2008 chart, one movie appears in three packages - The Bourne Ultimatum single disc, The Bourne Ultimatum two disc set (packed with bonus features), and as part of a triple pack with The Bourne Identity and The Bourne Supremacy (which also appears as a single disc at No 50). This makes Matt Damon The Biggest Star of 2008, followed by Katherine Heigl (in 27 Dresses and Knocked Up), Leonardo DiCaprio (in Blood Diamond and The Departed), and the cast of High School Musical (in the movie and its sequel).

The Biggest Stars of all time would be Daniel Radcliffe (five Harry Potter flicks), Orlando Bloom (three Lord of the Rings and three Pirates of the Caribbean), Hugo Weaving (three Rings and three Matrices), Mike Myers (three Shreks), and Johnny Depp (three Pirates).

But here's the biggest difference: the vast majority of the all-time top 50 is kidstuff, with animation the most represented category (the likes of Monsters Inc, The Incredibles, Madagascar, Ice Age, Cars, The Lion King and Happy Feet). Only nine of the 50 seem to have been designed for people over 18: Dirty Dancing, Gladiator, The Notebook, Troy, Dances With Wolves, Casino Royale, Love Actually, Four Weddings and a Funeral, and The Devil Wears Prada.

The situation is reversed in this year's top 50, where 26 films or TV series are adult or almost-adult fare (the likes of Underbelly, 27 Dresses, Death At A Funeral, I Am Legend, Die Hard 4, The Departed, The Sopranos and the four Bournes). Are we growing up? Or has this just been a dud year for kiddy flicks?

To discuss these questions, go to Comments, and to read the full charts, go to The DVDs Australia loved

• by David Dale at 08:49 AM
• Comments (17)

The tribal mind: The mystery of the media

To learn what the world would be like if there were no Australia, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
This column always wants to know about records being broken, so we leapt to attention last week when we received a press release headed "Australia's Next Top Model most-watched program ever on subscription TV".
The release went on to announce that the two hour finale of a show in which a girl accused of bullying was rewarded by her accusers, a host vanished due to stage fright, and fill-in host Charlotte Dawson showed she was Pay TV's answer to Sonia Kruger (ie. sexy, smart and funny) had averaged 309,000 viewers across the country.

That figure didn't look like much to get excited about, given all the publicity Top Model had attracted, but the Pay TV people live in a world of their own. Apparently, when a prime time show attracts 309,000 viewers, the Pay programmers open champagne. If it happened on free to air TV, the programmers would open a vein.

The smallness of the audience kept nagging at me. The record breakers on FTA television have included the 2004 final of Australian Idol, which drew 3.3 million in the mainland capitals, the 2003 final of The Block, with 3.1 million, and the 2004 final of Big Brother, with 2.9 million. If 27 per cent of Australian homes subscribe to Foxtel or Austar, you'd expect Pay's top shows to attract 27 per cent of the audience of FTA's top shows.

As it turned out, the headline was wrong. When I searched through the chaos that is my filing system. I found that last year, a soccer match between Japan and Australia drew 419,000 viewers to Fox Sports 2. So the headline on the press release must have meant Top Model was the most watched program that was not a sporting event. No, that can't be right either. Last year an episode of Parkinson in which he interviewed Shane Warne drew 415,000 to UKTV and a showing of the movie High School Musical 2 drew 314,000 to the Disney channel.

What the headline should have said was that this year's season of Top Model was the most watched series ever shown on Fox 8, which is the most popular Pay station. An over-enthusiastic publicist has done the Pay industry a disservice by drawing attention to the fundamental mystery of Australian media: if 2.2 million households, containing more than 6 million people, are paying at least $60 a month to receive at least 60 extra channels by cable or satellite, why do Pay's regular shows attract such tiny audiences?

Pay has, after all, been the only true success story in television this decade. Between the first half of 2003 and the first half of 2008, the total prime time audience of Nine, Seven and Ten has dropped from 3.35 million to 3.08 million (down 7 per cent), while the pay audience has risen from 514,000 to 772,000 (up 50 per cent).

So why has no Pay series ever been able to attract more than 309,000 viewers, a figure that wouldn't even satisfy SBS? Why, when Pay offers such a dazzling diversity of content, do most subscribers use it most of the time for rugby league, soccer, and The Simpsons? Are Pay viewers the most boring people on the continent?

If you can answer these questions, go to Comments.

• by David Dale at 02:56 PM
• Comments (35)

The Tribal Mind: When this lady met this fellow

by David Dale
If men and women could only unite, Australia might get some stimulating television in the second half of this year. But they can't, so we're stuck with the programming preferred by viewers aged over 55 -- the time of life when, apparently, the sexes are most similar.

Last week this column pointed out that the seniors are the biggest consumers of TV, while the groovers watch the least (37 per cent of prime time viewing is by people over 55, up from 32 per cent in 2003; 28 per cent is by people 16-39, down from 30 per cent in 2003).

So the network that wins the year will be the one with the geriatric appeal. Off the back of a truck has fallen some fascinating research about the age of viewers for each station's most popular shows this year. The median age of Australians is 37, which is to say that half the population is older than 37 and half is younger. But the median age of viewers for most top programs is well above the national figure. Half the people who regularly watch Today Tonight, for example, are over 54. What you're about to read suggests that TV is, to put it politely, a mature medium.

The hits of 2008 - How old are the viewers
Inspector Rex (SBS) has a median viewing age of 65
Doc Martin (ABC) 64
Midsomer Murders (ABC) 63
ABC news (ABC) 61
Wild China (ABC) 61
Who Do You Think You Are? (SBS) 58
Seven News (7) 55
Today Tonight (7) 54
Enough Rope with Andrew Denton (ABC) 52
Border Security (7) 51
60 Minutes (9) 51
RSPCA Animal Rescue (7) 50
Australia's Got Talent (7) 50
Tennis: Australian Open Men's Final (7) 50
Better Homes and Gardens (7) 49
One Day Cricket (9) 47
Domestic Blitz (9) 48
David Attenborough - Tiger, Spy in the Jungle (9) 47
Spicks and Specks (ABC) 45
The Gruen Transfer (ABC) 43
NCIS (10) 43
State of Origin Rugby League (9) 43
Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares (9) 40
Top Gear (SBS) 39
Mythbusters (SBS) 37
House (10) 37
Gladiators (7) 34
The Biggest Loser (10) 35
My Name is Earl (7) 34
So You Think You Can Dance Australia (10) 34
Australia's Next Top Model (Fox8) 34.

So there's not much point in the programmers trying to appeal to the half of Australia that is under 37. They rarely watch the box.

Lets look at the other great niche that has traditionally excited the networks - viewers aged 25-54. Could a smart programmer gain by focusing on their sophisticated tastes? Only if men and women were prepared to sit in front of the same set. Here's how the sexes consumed TV over the past month:

Top shows with women aged 25-54: Grey's Anatomy; Desperate Housewives; Brothers and Sisters; Schapelle Corby (episode one); Better Homes and Gardens; 60 Minutes; State of Origin rugby league; Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares; Australia's Got Talent; All Saints; NCIS; Domestic Blitz.

Top shows with men aged 25-54: State of Origin rugby league; My Name Is Earl; The Gruen Transfer; 60 Minutes; Schappelle Corby (episode one); Spicks and Specks; CSI; Top Gear; NCIS; How I Met Your Mother; Hell's Kitchen; Gladiators.

So the principal passions shared by middle-aged men and middle-aged women are Schappelle Corby, Gordon Ramsay and football. Expect to see a lot more of them in the coming weeks.

Should the networks stick with the predictable, or should they try to entice viewers back with adventurous programming? Tell us at Comments

• by David Dale at 06:26 AM
• Comments (7)

The Tribal Mind: Television becomes an antiques roadshow

by David Dale
What a sweet revenge for the over 55s. Once spurned and ignored by the commercial stations -- "Let them watch the ABC," was the attitude -- they have now become the powerbrokers. Their tastes will determine which network wins this year and gets the most advertising in 2009.

Not long ago Channel Ten used to put out press releases boasting how certain programs were "shedding" older viewers, while Nine and Seven proudly declared their target audience to be viewers aged 25-54. There's none of that talk now.

The oldies are golden, and not just because there are more of them. It's also because they're the first ones back into their cocoons as uncertainty grows about the economy (see last week's column). And once they've pulled up the drawbridge, the over-55s are more likely to watch the box than the under 40s, who have other distractions.

For a vision of the future of Australian television, look at the favourite shows of each age group last week. In particular, compare the audience totals across the mainland capitals ...

Shows most watched by viewers over 55: Seven news 849,000 viewers in this age group; ABC news 804,000; Wild China (ABC) 727, 000; Today Tonight (7) 701,000; Sea Patrol (7) 699,000; Silent Witness (ABC) 697,000; Australia's Got Talent (7) 692,000; Border Security repeat (7) 652,000; The Einstein Factor (ABC) 649,000; Nine news 642,000; CSI (9) 633,000; Australian Story (ABC) 633,000; Better Homes and Gardens (7) 629,000; Domestic Blitz (9) 617,000.

Shows most watched by viewers aged 16-39: The Simpsons (10) 562,000 viewers in this age group; Grey's Anatomy (7) 555,000; NCIS (10) 548,000; Desperate Housewives (7) 533,000; 60 Minutes (9) 487,000; My Name is Earl (7) 486,000; The New Futurama (10) 483,000; How I Met Your Mother (7) 479,000; Rove (10) 465,000; Good News Week (10) 457,000; Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares (9) 455,000; The Gruen Transfer (ABC) 455,000; Brothers and Sisters (7) 450,000.

You can see why the oldies are so much more attractive to the networks as a target audience than the groovers. Between 6pm and 10.30pm each night, an average of 1.821 million viewers over 55 watch television (up 3.5 per cent on last year), compared with an average of 1.397 million viewers aged 16 to 39 (down 1 per cent on last year).

Clearly there's not much common ground between the age groups. Best to target the niche with the numbers, so Nine and Seven will need to "skew older" if they are to win the year. Expect comfy crime shows set in English villages; quirky quiz shows hosted by former ABC personalities; deserving documentaries about Asian animals and adventurous Australians; and gardening guides filmed in the beautiful backyards of Lisa McCune and Dannii Minogue, who are the current queens of the senior screen (one remembered from Blue Heelers, the other from Young Talent Time).

The only hope for diversity lies with the niche we haven't dissected yet -- viewers aged 25-54. They'll be next Monday's topic.

Go to Comments to tell us what you think of the geriatrics' dominance of the box.

• by David Dale at 04:41 PM
• Comments (11)

The Tribal Mind: Let us comfort you

To discuss Australia's top takeaways, go to Chiko and the gang

by David Dale
Australians are crawling back into their cocoons. The age of adventure is over. You can tell from the way they're watching TV. Don't try to show them anything edgy, surprising or demanding. They want slow, reassuring, and predictable.

The programs that symbolise the national mindset right now are Domestic Blitz and Better Homes and Gardens. We demonstrated enough bravery by watching The Chaser boys and electing Kevin Rudd. Now we're pulling up the drawbridge.

This behaviour pattern seems to go in three year cycles. From 2002 to 2004, as we retreated from September 11 and the Bali bombings, the top shows reassured us that every problem had a solution. Messy garden? A team of fairies will fly in for a weekend and redecorate it. Messy crime? A team of scientists will shine a blue light on it and find the culprit within an hour. Our favourite sitcoms came with cues to tell us when to laugh.

In 2005, we started to take a few risks, tolerating and then embracing shows that kept us in suspense from week to week.

Who will survive the island? What secret will be revealed about which desperate housewife? Who will be voted off the dance floor? By 2007, our favourite comedy was about a hyperactive boy with reading difficulties and a drama teacher exploiting a student dead from a drug overdose. And we needed no laugh track to give us emotional prompts.

Now George Bush has ruined the world's economy and the Arabs keep putting up the price of petrol. Once again we want television to tell us that everything will be alright. In Domestic Blitz, a team of experts fly in and take 48 hours to renovate the home of a needy family. Better Homes and Gardens shows us how to survive rising prices, feed the family and paint the shed. Safe sitcoms are back, with How I Met Your Mother and Two and A Half Men apparently sharing the same canned laughter track.

Nostalgia is what it used to be, with 20 to 1 drawing 300,000 more viewers than it could manage last year (when we preferred to look forward). And football, the ultimate in escapism from the chaos of reality, is getting record audiences.

Even the edgiest new hits are predicated on reassurance. Your restaurant is failing? Gordon Ramsay can fix it with a kick up the arse. Worried that commercials are conning you? The Gruen gang will explain how to spot the mind tricks.

The only difference between 2008 and 2002 is that there is no longer such a thing as the mass market. The buzzword this year is fragmentation, which means the programmers have to work harder to offer equal doses of comfort to every demographic niche. How they are doing that will be the subject of the next Tribal Mind column, which will also include any theories on social change that you'd care to raise by going to Comments

• by David Dale at 04:16 PM
• Comments (12)

The Tribal Mind: Devices and Desires

To discuss whether Australians are too dumb to function in modern life, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
HERE'S another reason why Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull won't sell as many tickets as Raiders of the Lost Ark, and doesn't deserve to: its MacGuffin is rubbish.

Two weeks ago this column predicted that IJ4's box office would fall short of the $34 million necessary to match the performance of IJ1, because it fails to meet the requirements of the archetypal hero's journey (click here to read that column).

Some readers have kindly pointed out that my prediction is looking pretty shaky, because in its first three weeks, IJ4 has made $24.4m (while Iron Man, a much better blockbuster, took six weeks to reach $19.3m). But I stand by my prediction (in fact I think Sex and The City may end up beating IJ4, after making $11.3m in its first week), because I have identified another fatal flaw: the central plot-moving device produces an ending which looks derivative of Lara Croft (1 and 2), National Treasure (1 and 2), and 100 other pseudo-mystical potboilers. In other words, the MacGuffin is a cliche.

The master of suspense, Alfred Hitchcock, created the term for an item that makes people run around. The MacGuffin can be anything the characters want, seek, steal, hide, suddenly remember, mysteriously commune with and are willing to sell their souls for. Hitchcock said examples of such motivators would be jewels, test tubes, machines, maps, formulas ... "the device, the gimmick if you will, or the papers the spies are after ... The only thing that really matters is that in the picture, the plans, documents or secrets must seem to be of vital importance to the characters.''

The mightiest MacGuffins of movie history:
The one ring in Lord of the Rings
The letters of transit in Casablanca
The statue in The Maltese Falcon
Rosebud in Citizen Kane
The colt from Old Regret in The Man From Snowy River
The Heart of the Ocean in Titanic
The gem in Romancing The Stone
The cryptex in The Da Vinci Code
The philosopher's stone in the first Harry Potter
The list in Mission: Impossible
The golden glow in Pulp Fiction
The tiny galaxy in Men in Black
The key, the compass and the heart in Pirates of the Caribbean
The weapons of mass destruction in Iraq
The monoliths in 2001: A Space Odyssey
The Fedex package in Cast Away
The Allspark in Transformers
The alethiometer in The Golden Compass.

In an interview with Vanity Fair, George Lucas said Indiana Jones movies need a strong MacGuffin: "The Ark of the Covenant was perfect. The Shankara Stones were way too esoteric. The Holy Grail was sort of feeble but, at the same time, we put the father in there to cover for it. I mean, the whole reason it became a dad movie was because I was scared to hell that there wasn't enough power behind the Holy Grail to carry a movie.''

Lucas said it took him another 15 years to think of a MacGuffin for IJ4, and initially Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg rejected it. "I said, Well, look, I can't think of another MacGuffin. This works. I won't do it unless we can have that MacGuffin. Without the MacGuffin, I will not go near this thing.''

Many of the two million Australians who have now paid to see Lucas's fourth MacGuffin will be wishing Ford and Spielberg had stuck to their guns.

To suggest other great McGuffins, go to Comments

• by David Dale at 06:23 PM
• Comments (8)

The Tribal Mind: The end of the CD era

To discuss whether "Australian culture" is an oxymoron, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
Of course, it was Agnetha's ass. That's the last piece of the jigsaw that explains Australia's obsession with Abba. The puzzle presented itself as I was researching a column about the CD age, designed to mark the tipping point (later this year) when Australians will obtain most of their music via digital downloads instead of silver discs. Sales estimates from the Australian Record Industry Association suggests a farewell chart ...

Australia's top selling CDs, 1985-2008
1. Whispering Jack (John Farnham) 1986
2. Come On Over (Shania Twain) 1998
3. Jagged Little Pill (Alanis Morissette) 1996
4. Innocent Eyes (Delta Goodrem) 2003
5. Music Box (Mariah Carey) 1994
6. Savage Garden (Savage Garden) 1997
7. Falling Into You (Celine Dion) 1996
8. Recurring Dream (Crowded House) 1996
9. Abba Gold (Abba) 1992
10. Immaculate Collection (Madonna) 1990
11. Age of Reason (John Farnham) 1988
12. The Very Best of (The Eagles) 1994
13. Don't Ask (Tina Arena) 1995
14. Remasters (Led Zeppelin) 1993
15. 1 (The Beatles) 2000
16. The Sound of White (Missy Higgins) 2004
17. Soul Deep (Jimmy Barnes) 1992
18. Forgiven Not Forgotten (The Corrs) 1996
19. Come Away With Me (Norah Jones) 2003
20 Back to Bedlam (James Blunt) 2005

It turns out that the first Australian-made CD is also our top selling CD of all time, which stirs a patriot's heart. Whispering Jack has sold 1.7 million copies, so one in five Australian households have John Farnham on their CD shelf.

The Swedes come in at number 9 -- an extraordinary achievement for a group who peaked during a decade when music was delivered on black vinyl. Having shifted millions of albums in The Decade That Style Forgot, and having broken up in the 80s, they could still sell nearly a million copies of a compilation CD called Abba Gold in the 1990s.

Their appeal had eluded me in the 70s, when I was preoccupied with high voltage rock and roll. I found them pleasant but bland, and then kitschy when revived via Muriel's Wedding, Priscilla Queen of the Desert and Mama Mia The Musical. But the other night SBS showed Abba The Movie and I solved the mystery.

The film mixes lame comedy about a desperate disc jockey with footage of Abba's performances during their 1977 Australian tour. On the morning after their first concert, they are reading a Sydney newspaper with the headline "AGNETHA'S BOTTOM TOPS DULL SHOW".

Watching their performances after this scene, you discover that Agnetha (the blonde one) spends much of every concert with her back to the audience, wearing ski pants with no visible panty line, swaying and gliding across the stage. And it's true -- her bottom is superb. Not big, not small, simply a perfectly rounded phenomenon of nature. I could understand why so many 20-something males who should have been listening to Led Zeppelin were among the elderly ladies and pubescent squealers at the concerts and in the autograph queues. And why the happy memories would have propelled those men to keep buying souvenirs of the experience two decades later.

The next mystery from the farewell-to-CDs chart will be much harder to solve -- what on earth did we see in Celine Dion?

For more detail on the top selling albums of all time, go to The music Australia loved. To discuss Australia's Abba obsession, go to Comments

• by David Dale at 05:17 PM
• Comments (23)

The Tribal Mind: We need another hero

To learn how a typical Australian family behaves, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
How deeply embedded in the Australian psyche is Indiana Jones? More than Jason Bourne but less that Maria von Trapp, would we say? About equal with Han Solo, but less than Crocodile Dundee and more than Shrek?

We can give scientific answers to these questions by analysing how many Australians have actually seen those characters, and from there we can predict whether Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (henceforth known as IJ4) will be the biggest moneymaker of the decade.

Lets start with Indy's track record so far. Raiders of the Lost Ark (IJ1) sold $13.9 worth of tickets when it was released in 1981, a year when the average ticket price was $4.50. So it was seen by about 3 million Australians at the cinema. IJ2 made $12.3m in 1984, when tickets cost $5.40, so 2.3 million saw it, and IJ3 made $15.8m in 1989 (at $6.60), and thus was seen by 2.4 million. If we apply the same measure to the most successful movies involving other familiar characters, we derive this chart.

Australia's favourite film heroes:
1 Maria von Trapp
2 Crocodile Dundee
3 Luke Skywalker
4 E. T.
5 Shrek
6 Frodo Baggins
7 Harry Potter
8 Vivienne Ward
9 Jack Sparrow
10 Indiana Jones
11 Neo (Thomas Anderson)
12 Maximus Decimus Meridius
13 James Bond
14 Superman
15 Jason Bourne
16 Woody
17 Spider-Man
18 Batman
19 Mad Max
20 Wolverine.

To push Indy higher up that chart, IJ4 will need to make more than $34 million at the Australian box office over the next few weeks. I'm confident in predicting that it isn't going to do that, even at today's inflated ticket prices. Why? Because it does not meet the requirements of the hero's journey. It has an interesting villain and some exciting chases, but the narrative does not resonate with the archetypal tale that is genetically programmed into all of us.

The notion of The Hero's Journey as the basis of all successful epics (whether in book, poem, film or miniseries) was first raised by a Hollywood screenwriter named Christopher Vogler, who drew on the theories of the mythologist Joseph Campbell and the psychoanalyst Carl Jung.

Vogler said an epic adventure must follow these steps: the hero is summoned on a quest, which he or she initially refuses; gets help from a mentor; sets off on a journey, meeting funny friends and enemies and going through a series of tests; bypasses threshold guardians and enters the inmost cave to face the ultimate ordeal; goes through a form of death and resurrection; makes a return journey and brings home "the elixir" (which may be the solution to a mystery or a breakthrough in self-understanding).

George Lucas has admitted folloowing this formula closely in his initial Star Wars series. It works for Lord of the Rings, the Harry Potter stories and The Sound of Music and can be applied even to comedies such as Pretty Woman and Four Weddings and A Funeral. It certainly works for IJ3 (where the elixir looked as if it was going to be the Holy Grail but turned out to be Indy's relationship with hs father).

IJ4 lacks this profundity. I can't outline its failures without giving away surprises, so I'll revisit this topic in ten weeks time, when we know how many Australians have seen it. In the meantime, go to Comments to discuss whether IJ4 will be able to push Australia's psychological buttons.

FOOTNOTE (Tuesday June 3): In its first week in Australian cinemas, IJ4 (on 535 screens) sold $12.3 million worth of tickets. Traditionally a big movie ends up totalling about three times its opening week, so conventional wisdom suggests the final result will be above the $34 million which this column thinks it won't make. In its second week, Indy dropped 40 per cent -- suggesting poor word of mouth -- but still made $7.4 million, bringing its total to $19.7m (while the vastly better Iron Man took five weeks to reach 18.3m). Gulping, I stand by my prediction and will provide regular updates on Indy's progress.
Go to The films Australia loved for more details.

• by David Dale at 11:49 AM
• Comments (20)

The Tribal Mind: Free spirits or mini-Yanks

To discuss the most significant moments in the history of Australian television, go to Who We Are.
by David Dale
This is scary. I was going to write a column about how Australians are becoming less like Americans -- how we seem finally to be asserting our cultural independence from the entertaining empire. That trend is obvious on television, where local drama, comedy, variety and reality pull much bigger crowds than the US product. It seemed to be happening also in cinemas, where Australians are responding to the latest blockbuster, Iron Man, with far less enthusiasm than our transpacific cousins.

Over recent decades movie distributors have relied on the formula that a big US movie will make in Australian dollars roughly one tenth of what it makes in US dollars. Our tastes have been that predictable. But in its first two weeks in Australian cinemas, Iron Man, with no serious competition, has made $12.4 million, while in its first two weeks in US cinemas, it made $195 million.

Iron Man is an unfortunate choice of movie on which to display our independence, since it offers a rare combination of wit, special effects and social conscience. And Gwyneth Paltrow. But at least we are no longer marching in lock step with Them Over There. Or so I thought.

To test the trend, I compared the US and local takings for the movies seen by more than a million Australians since May, 2007. Here's the list. Next to each movie, divide the first figure you see by ten and compare that with the second figure you see.

The highest grossing films of the past 12 months:
1 Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix $US292m, $A35.5m
2 Shrek The Third $US320m, $A33.7m
3 Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End $US309m, $A33.1m
4 The Simpsons Movie $US183m, $A31.4m
5 Transformers $US319m, $A27.9m
6 I Am Legend $US256m, $A23m
7 The Bourne Ultimatum $227m, $A21.9m
8 Alvin and the Chipmunks $US217m, $A17.5m
9 Hairspray $US119m, $US16.5m
10 Death At A Funeral $US9m; $A16 m
11 27 Dresses $US77m, $A15.5m
12 Bee Movie $US127m, $A15m
13 The Golden Compass $US70m, $A14.7m
14 Knocked Up $US148m, $A14.5m
15 Ratatouille $US206m $A14.4m
16 Iron Man $US195m $A12.4m (so far)
17 National Treasure: Book of Secrets $US219m $A13 m
18 Enchanted $US128m, $A12.5m
19 Ocean's 13 $US117m $A12.3m
20 Dr Suess Horton Hears a Who $US151m $A12m
21 American Gangster $US130m $A11.5m
22 Juno $US143m $A11.5m
23 Die Hard 4 $US134m, $A11.3m
24 Atonement $US51m $A10.5m
25 Rush Hour 3 $US140m $A10.4.

This is not exactly a landslide of support for my theory about the collapse of coca-colonisation. Half of Australia's favourites were American favourites to the power of ten (give or take $4 million).

We liked Harry Potter, Death at a Funeral, Atonement and The Golden Compass far more than they did (higher tolerance for British accents?). We liked The Simpsons, 27 Dresses and Hairspray more than they did (a quirkier sense of humour? Higher proportion of female cinema-goers?). They liked Alvin and the Chipmunks, Ratatouille, and Iron Man more than we did (more innocent and childlike in their thinking?) After that, we're pretty much twins. Might as well enjoy it.

To offer your explanation for the similarities and differences, go to Comments

• by David Dale at 10:06 AM
• Comments (6)

The Tribal Mind: Buy chocolate or rent vanilla?

To discuss Australia's greatest TV comedies of all time, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
Dunnobout you, but there are only two reasons why this column buys (as opposed to rents) DVDs:

1) To see a TV show that has been maltreated by the networks -- hence my recent purchase of 30 Rock season 1 (the cleverest sitcom since Arrested Development, shown erratically late at night by Channel Seven), Rome season 2 (from the murder of Caesar to the suicide of Mark Antony, never shown by Channel Nine), and Gilmore Girls season 7 (the saga's conclusion, shown erratically during daylight by Nine).

2) To get extra information about a movie I enjoyed at the cinema, via the director's and writer's commentaries, making-of documentaries, deleted scenes, alternative endings and other extras that appear on a second disc. Hence my quest last week in search of the two-disc edition of The Golden Compass.

It would seem that most buyers operate with the same motivations, judging by the top-sellers during April, as measured by market researchers GfK Australia. These are Australia's most purchased DVDs of the moment: 1. Bee Movie; 2 Stargate: The Ark Of Truth; 3 Dirty Dancing: 20th-anniversary edition; 4 Death At A Funeral; 5 Gilmore Girls: season seven.

But if extras are an incentive to buy a DVD, why do the distributors and the shopkeepers make it so difficult to find them? My interest in owning The Golden Compass began when I read this review by Ty Burr in America's Entertainment Weekly magazine: "Half the drama is in the EXTRAS, specifically reading between the lines of the two-disc set's commentary and 11 featurettes. In the former, writer-director Chris Weitz defends his adaptation of the first novel in Philip Pullman's fantasy trilogy. But in a making-of, Weitz looks like a man besieged by producers and his own insecurities. The film splits the difference: It's a visually awe-inspiring otherworld whose story is served up in awkward chunks. The kid (Dakota Blue Richards) is a find and Ian McKellen gives good bear, but this movie actually needed to be longer. B-.''

This led me to hope that screenwriter Weitz might address the controversy over whether the book is "anti-Catholic'' and whether he pandered to fundamentalists in removing Pullman's critique of religious dogma. My two local rental stores offered only the vanilla version (industry term for a DVD with no extras), as did the first two sales stores I approached, and I was beginning to think Australia had not received the full version when I finally discovered the two-disc set in J.B Hi-Fi, Pitt Street Mall.

In the extras, Weitz turns out to be terribly nice, revealing that Magda Szubanski (who appears for less than a minute) is an Australian actress from "a fantastic series called Kath and Kim'" and detailing how they did the fur on Nicole Kidman's monkey alter-ego.

He promises that "the last thing that I would ever want to do is a version that falsified the book", while admitting he held over the last three chapters to make a better beginning for the second film -- which is unlikely ever to be made, given the failure of TGC in America.

His only reference to the religious controversy is observing that The Magisterium (The Vatican) has "a patriarchal nature -- not to get too political''. He's missed the point. Getting political and backbiting and gossipy and vengeful is what we expect from directors when they make DVDs of their work. If Weitz wants to raise enough cash to make part two, he'd better issue a new three-disc set confessing what really went into (and out of) the movie. That would be a DVD worth buying.

What have been the best DVD extras you've experienced lately?

• by David Dale at 05:55 AM
• Comments (7)

WHO WE ARE: Standout comedy

To discuss which DVDs have the best extras, go to The Tribal Mind

A column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 11/5/2008
Whenever Australians are asked to describe the core characteristics of this nation, two phrases keep coming up: "laidback attitude" and "sense of humour", which together add up to an eagerness to laugh at ourselves. It's no surprise, then, that the most successful locally made programs in the history of television have been comedies.

In recent weeks this column has been trying to bring some order to the chaos that is Australia's taste in entertainment. I've chronicled our favourite movies, most successful actors and most watched TV shows, and sought your votes on whether the most popular were necessarily the most significant. After last week's column, which identified the top dramas of all time as Homicide, Blue Heelers, All Saints and Home and Away, many readers complained that I had left out, in order of importance, Wildside, The Sullivans, Phoenix, Flying Doctors, Bellbird, Matlock, MDA, Love My Way, Cop Shop, Stingers and Blue Murder.

No doubt there will be similar outcries about what's missing from the list below, which is an attempt to rank the comedies which had both high ratings and long life. Once again quantity is not necessarily the same as quality, but this is designed to get the conversation started ...

The most watched Australian comedies of all time:
1 Hey Dad (1984-94)
2 The Paul Hogan Show (1973-1982)
3 Kath and Kim (2002- )
4 The Comedy Company (1988-1991)
5 The Normal Gunston Show (1975-79)
6 The Mavis Bramston Show (1964-68)
7 Fast Forward/ Full Frontal (1989-1998)
8 Mother and Son (1984-1994)
9 Thank God You're Here (2006-)
10 The Chaser team under various titles (2002-)
11 All Aussie Adventures (2001-03)
12 Frontline (1994-97)
13 Summer Heights High (2007)
14 Kingswood Country (1979-1984)
15 The Naked Vicar Show (1977-78)
16 The D Generation (1986-89)
17 My Name's McGooley, What's Yours (1967-69)
18 Acropolis Now (1989-1992)
19 The Aunty Jack Show (1972-75)
20 The Games (1998-2000)

(I sneaked the last one in because I'm hoping John Clarke will do a version for this year, although the Olympics are probably too close now for it to be feasible.)

It's interesting to note from the chart that Australia's favourite form of TV comedy leans more towards sketches than to sitcoms (which we tend to leave to the experts - America). Even series that purport to be sitcoms were mostly born out of sketches and are structured as fast scenes rather than continuous narratives - Kingswood Country grew from The Naked Vicar Show, Kath and Kim from Fast Forward, My Name's McGooley from a Gordon Chater character in The Mavis Bramston Show, Acropolis Now from Wogs Out of Work on stage.

This may lead you to the view that Australians should add a third quality when they are attempting to describe the national character - along with our laid back attitude and our sense of humour, Australians have a terribly short attention span. Which is no bad thing, since it gives us an ability to multi-task and an enthusiasm for new ideas.

If you'd care to discuss that, or nominate other shows that deserve a place in the Australian TV comedy hall of fame, go to Comments

• by David Dale at 02:35 PM
• Comments (62)

The Tribal Mind: Time flies

To nominate the greatest Australian TV drama of all time, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
Psychologists tell us that people are likely to develop mental health problems if they are exposed to contradictory messages throughout their childhood. When dad encourages certain behaviour while mum encourages the opposite, the kid grows up emotionally conflicted.

If this is true, Australians are heading for a national nervous breakdown, because for 50 years we've been been torn apart by these fundamental questions: How are we supposed to feel about Louie The Fly? Do they want us to love him or kill him? And if we do kill him, should we feel guilty? Or can we take comfort in the fact that he keeps being resurrected, which makes him a Christ-like figure? Unless it's a new Louie who reappears each time, which makes him more like Australia's favourite comicbook hero: The Phantom, Ghost who walks, insect who never dies.

Or if we prefer to seek a non-mystical explanation for Louie's durability, could it be that Mortein is not as effective as the advertising suggests? And if we suspect this, should we feel guilty for doubting an icon?

These disturbing echoes from my childhood came crashing back last week when I read the latest ACNielsen report on Australia's favourite brands. Every two years ACNielsen's boffins do a survey of the products most purchased in supermarkets, and this year they announced gleefully that Mortein had re-entered the top 100 chart (which was topped by the likes of Winfield cigarettes, Coca-Cola, Tip Top bread and Cadbury chocolates).

A report on the Nielsen website says Mortein "competes in a cluttered sector against heavyhitters Bagon and Raid. Setting Mortein aside from the competition is the much-loved Louie the Fly character ... Despite being in the market for over five decades, Louie looks better than ever, thanks to new animation technologies. A tactical campaign launched late last year asked consumers to help stop Louie the Fly from celebrating his 50th birthday."

So he's "much loved" and we're expected to kill him? The same moral ambiguity pervades the original jingle: "One spray and Louie The Fly, apple of his poor mother's eye, was Louie, poor dead Louie, a victim of Mortein". How is a kid supposed to react to that? The same way kids reacted to the slaughter of pigs in the movie Babe, one would imagine.

Supposedly the creator of LTF was Bryce Courtenay, who had recently escaped the apartheid regime in South Africa when he wrote the jingle for the Hansen Rubensohn advertising agency in 1957.

It's been argued that LTF fits into the same national mindset that enables us to perceive Ned Kelly as simultaneously a villain and a hero -- an affection for the non-conformist that goes back to convict days.

I can't help wondering if Courtenay, who went on to become the most successful author in Australia's history, had deeper symbolism in mind. Could it be that the way LTF is viewed in this country reflects the ambiguity in our relationship with the continent's original inabitants? Some of the white invaders regarded the Aboriginal people as pests, and set about trying to exterminate them, leaving a residue of guilt that has not been entirely expiated in 200 years.

Few TV commercials -- indeed, few TV programs -- offer so many layers of interpretation. LTF might just be Courtenay's most powerful work.

What do you make of Louie's image as a national icon?

• by David Dale at 10:41 AM
• Comments (5)

The Who We Are Update: Week 21

This week of David Dale's media blog is now history. For the latest discussion, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
To discuss the most significant moments in the history of Australian television, go to Who We Are
To discuss which DVDs have the best extras, go to The Tribal Mind

At this point in the ratings week, the prime time average audience shares stand at ABC 16.6% Seven 28.3% Nine 27.7% Ten 21.8% SBS 5.6%.

What Australia watched, Saturday
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,381,000 427,000 382,000 277,000 144,000 151,000
2 AUSTRALIA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEO SHOW Nine 1,263,000 374,000 385,000 229,000 154,000 121,000
3 NINE NEWS SATURDAY Nine 1,191,000 331,000 392,000 220,000 158,000 91,000
4 THE VICAR OF DIBLEY Seven 1,051,000 307,000 276,000 225,000 100,000 143,000
5 BED OF ROSES ABC 955,000 259,000 318,000 163,000 112,000 103,000
6 THE GREAT OUTDOORS Seven 924,000 282,000 246,000 202,000 105,000 89,000
7 ABC NEWS-SAT ABC 896,000 250,000 329,000 151,000 88,000 77,000
8 THE BILL ABC 814,000 236,000 269,000 114,000 82,000 113,000
10 M-AIR FORCE ONE Seven 808,000 224,000 216,000 167,000 84,000 117,000
12 SATURDAY NIGHT AFL Ten 721,000 Not shown 351,000 Not shown 90,000 108,000 172,000
13 SHREK -RPT Nine 688,000 287,000 267,000 135,000
14 GARDENING AUSTRALIA ABC 668,000 169,000 244,000 120,000 77,000 57,000
15 SATURDAY AFTERNOON AFL Ten 613,000 53,000 321,000 42,000 135,000 62,000
21 TOP GEAR RPT SBS 442,000 144,000 117,000 88,000 48,000 46,000
Continued here

• by David Dale at 03:28 PM
• Comments (72)

The Bogie winners of 2008

by David Dale
It's Logies week, when Australian television celebrates a year of excellence. It's also Bogies week, when Australian viewers vent their rage for decades of being taken for granted. This column asked for your nominations and then your verdict, and 132 readers responded. In a totally transparent process (which you can observe by going here) the voting went like this ...

Most annoying person. Mike Munro got 3 votes; Sonia Kruger 3; Bindi Irwin 6; Andrew O'Keefe 9; David Koch 20. And the winner, with 54 votes, is Kyle Sandilands.

Most offputting commercial. The Coco Pops ad in which two turds with French accents harass a housewife 7; "the one where the girl is accompanied by a beaver" 18; "the one where the tongue leaves the body in search of a drink" 29. And the winner, with 30 votes, is the series of Commonwealth Bank ads, particularly the Mad Max koala.

Most unnecessary program. 20 to 1 3; The Mint 5; Rules of Engagement 7; The Power of Ten 12; Animal Emergency 19. And the winner, with 29 votes, is Out of the Question.

Most unnecessary personality. Lara Bingle 3; Grant Denyer 5; Karl Stefanovic 7; Candice Falzon 10; Richard Reid (gossip reporter for Nine's Today) 10; The Sunrise "family" 22. And the winner, with 35 votes, is Jackie O.

Most unnecessary adaptation of an overseas show. Big Brother 3; 60 Minutes 4; The Chopping Block 4. And the winner, with 39 votes, before it has even started, is Top Gear Australia.

Most overhyped. Desperate Housewives 2; Border Security 2; Underbelly 2; The Moment of Truth 3; the Neighbours relaunch 3; Dirty Sexy Money 4; Australia's Next Top Model 7; Big Brother 8; Grey's Anatomy 16. And the winner, with 36 votes, is Cashmere Mafia.

Most Underrated. Nip/ Tuck 2; Robin Hood 2; Jekyll 2; Brothers and Sisters 2; Burn Notice 5; 30 Rock 6; Lost 7; East-West 101 9; Big Love 11; Boston Legal 18; Newstopia 19. And the winner, with 24 votes, is Life on Mars.

Most jerked around by the networks. Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles 2; Torchwood 2; Family Guy 2; The Sopranos 2; Battlestar Galactica 3; Stargate 4; 30 Rock 5; ER 6; Veronica Mars 7; Weeds 9. And the winner, with 32 votes, is Scrubs.

Most missed. Doctor Who 2; The Sopranos 2; Buffy 2; Uninterrupted programs on SBS 4; The Glasshouse 4; The Games 5; The West Wing 6; Summer Heights High 6. And the winner, with 36 votes, is The Chaser's War on Everything.

Most repeated. Mean Girls 2; MASH 2; About a Boy 3; Border Security 3; anything with Gordon Ramsay 4; Friends 4; Bridget Jones 9; CSI 12; Love Actually 13. And the winner, with 29 votes, is The Simpsons.

Worst network. SBS 3; Seven 10; Ten 10. And the winner, with 59 votes, is Channel Nine.

Most surprisingly smooth skin. Juanita Phillips 4; Anne Sanders 5; Marcia Cross 5; Catriona Rowntree 5; Richard Reid 8; Sigrid Thornton 11; Sandra Sully 15. And the winner, with 16 votes, is Kerri-Anne Kennerly.

Most embarrassing program (the Naomi Robson Cup). The Sunrise special with Guy Sebastian 6; My Kid's A Star 7; The Mint 7; The Biggest Loser 8; The Wedge 8; Monster House 10; The Footy Show 18; And the joint winners, each with 22 votes, are Today Tonight and A Current Affair.

Furthest past use-by date (the Bert Newton Trophy). Catriona Rowntree 2; Barry Humphries (in any incarnation) 3; Ray Martin 6; Paul Vautin 8; Sam Newman 12; Kyle and Jackie O 14; Richard Wilkins 16. And the winner, with 21 votes, is Daryl Somers.

The Black Bogie (the Eddie McGuire Chalice). David Koch 25; Richard Wilkins 28. And the winner, with 39 votes, is Kyle Sandilands.

And a special award for the reader who made the greatest contribution is shared between Grant James, who suggested the idea of The Bogies, and Patricia, who wrote:

"How bitchy some people can be! How do they know about all these programs and presenters they dislike if they don't watch them? 'Unnecessary' programs and personalities can be controlled by the off switch - it's very simple! I haven't watched Animal Emergency but anything that increases compassion to the other inhabitants of our planet sounds like a good idea to me. I enjoyed The Chaser but it was due for a break as nothing is more tiring bordering on dangerous than tired satire. SBS is great, though you have to select programs. Leave beautiful clever Juanita alone. Most of all there are other things to do beside watching telly - find out about some of them!"

Let that be a lesson to you.

• by David Dale at 10:32 AM
• Comments (23)

The Who We Are update: Week 20

This week of the ratings blog is now history. For the latest discussion, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
To discuss the psychological damage caused by Louie The Fly, go to The Tribal Mind.
To nominate the greatest Australian TV drama of all time, go to Who We Are.

What Australia watched, Saturday
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,320,000 352,000 404,000 253,000 159,000 150,000
2 HALL OF FAME TRIBUTE MATCH Ten 1,317,000 112,000 676,000 101,000 204,000 225,000
3 AUSTRALIA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEO SHOW Nine 1,160,000 368,000 353,000 203,000 117,000 119,000
4 NINE NEWS SATURDAY Nine 1,136,000 320,000 404,000 198,000 126,000 89,000
5 BED OF ROSES ABC 1,071,000 307,000 335,000 201,000 91,000 137,000
6 THE GREAT OUTDOORS Seven 951,000 277,000 283,000 209,000 91,000 91,000
7 ABC NEWS-SAT ABC 920,000 274,000 285,000 179,000 74,000 108,000
8 THE VICAR OF DIBLEY Seven 882,000 243,000 220,000 176,000 110,000 134,000
9 M-INDEPENDENCE DAY Seven 839,000 275,000 218,000 143,000 108,000 95,000
10 ABC NEWS UPDATE ABC 729,000 230,000 203,000 140,000 62,000 94,000
11 FAWLTY TOWERS Seven 727,000 209,000 204,000 161,000 77,000 77,000
12 GARDENING AUSTRALIA ABC 727,000 183,000 250,000 129,000 94,000 70,000
13 THE BILL ABC 707,000 215,000 194,000 142,000 54,000 103,000
Continued here

• by David Dale at 10:06 AM
• Comments (56)

The Tribal Mind: Vive les differences

To discuss the best Australian movie ever made, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
We know they say port when they mean suitcase and togs when they mean cossies, but otherwise, Brisbane people are just a sunnier version of Sydney people, aren't they? We know they have a frontier mentality and money coming out their ears, but are Perth people intrinsically different from Adelaide people? They watch a weird kind of football and have cafes we want to copy, but does anything else distinguish Melburnians from Sydneysiders? Answers: no, yes and yes -- you need only look at their tastes in television.

Our topic today is regional differences. Australia is not supposed to have any that matter. But when you compare the top rated programs in each capital, you find a wealth of opportunities for speculation.

Sydney people, for example, love to see Melbourne people getting shot. The number one show in this town every week is Underbelly (which Melbourne is not allowed to see). Melburnians, by contrast, love to see waiters being sworn at. Their top show is Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, about which Brisbane couldn't give a flying f--- and other capitals are lukewarm.

The southerners are also much keener than the rest of us on Jamie At Home, with the politer London chef Jamie Oliver. And possibly as a consequence, The Biggest Loser gets its best ratings in Melbourne.

Perth people clearly worry that the country is about to be invaded by drug dealers, exotic diseases and bacteria-laden foodstuffs -- their favourite of the week is a repeat of Border Security. Brisbane and Adelaide compensate for their distance from the political and business action by being better informed - their most watched show each week is Seven's Sunday news.

The differences go deeper than the top spot. Melbourne and Sydney love the black comedy of Desperate Housewives, while other capitals prefer the grim determination of Sea Patrol (which fits with their paranoid passion for Border Security).

Can we reach a conclusion about Sydney's shallowness from the fact that it is much less interested in Andrew Denton's interviews than Melbourne and Adelaide, but keener on Gladiators (while Melbourne prefers the subtlety of So You Think You Can Dance Australia)? And Sydney was where the disastrous My Kid's a Star did best. But for all its glitz, Sydney has a domestic side - Better Homes and Gardens does better here than in any other capital.

While Melbourne loves The Simpsons, aristocratic Adelaide is the heartland for My Name is Earl (wanting to see how the other half lives?) as well as Samantha Who? and Good News Week. Adelaide is also the town that supports SCU: Surious Cresh Unut - which may be because they understand the New Zealand eccent better (get a South Australian to say fish and chips).

The pressure of all that mineral money must be getting to Perth people. They like The Real Seachange more than all the other capitals - and they can afford to take one.

Click on Comments to give us your interpretation of the national taste deviations.

• by David Dale at 04:11 PM
• Comments (1)

The Who We Are Update: Week 19

This week of the blog is now history. For the latest discussion of media, go here.
For the results of The Bogie Awards 2008, go to The Tribal Mind.

So far this week, the average audience shares in prime time stand at: ABC 16.6% Seven 27.1% Nine 26.1% Ten 25.2% SBS 5.1%..

What Australia watched, Saturday
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 DOC MARTIN ABC 1,507,000 448,000 409,000 328,000 155,000 168,000
2 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,289,000 381,000 346,000 245,000 132,000 186,000
3 AUSTRALIA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEO SHOW Nine 1,094,000 274,000 326,000 230,000 126,000 139,000
4 NINE NEWS SATURDAY Nine 1,043,000 283,000 315,000 212,000 136,000 97,000
5 ABC NEWS-SAT ABC 1,001,000 294,000 288,000 204,000 112,000 103,000
6 THE VICAR OF DIBLEY Seven 947,000 282,000 223,000 213,000 83,000 146,000
7 THE GREAT OUTDOORS Seven 935,000 290,000 232,000 174,000 105,000 134,000
11 The BILL ABC 808,000 269,000 218,000 169,000 58,000 94,000
12 FAWLTY TOWERS Seven 775,000 238,000 185,000 160,000 54,000 137,000
13 RACING STRIPES -RPT Nine 758,000 209,000 219,000 149,000 71,000 110,000
14 M-PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: THE CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL Seven 733,000 260,000 232,000 157,000 84,000
16 SATURDAY NIGHT AFL Ten 710,000 391,000 51,000 170,000 97,000
17 SATURDAY AFTERNOON AFL Ten 628,000 58,000 294,000 80,000 107,000 89,000
19 TOP GEAR RPT SBS 471,000 146,000 177,000 77,000 52,000 19,000
26 IPL TWENTY20 CRICKET - LIVE/DELAYED Ten 326,000 96,000 117,000 22,000 53,000 37,000
27 NINE'S SATURDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL Nine 324,000 130,000 14,000 169,000 6,000 5,000
87 MY KID'S A STAR Nine 79,000 24,000 34,000 13,000 8,000 Not shown in Perth

• by David Dale at 10:01 AM
• Comments (65)

The Tribal Mind: A multi-tasking nation of time bandits

To vote for the most annoying people and programs on TV, go to The Bogies.
To learn which city is better -- Melbourne or Sydney, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
THE TEAM of highly paid sociologists who provide the statistical and moral underpinnings for this column love to take a conventional wisdom and prove it wrong, thereby demonstrating the superiority of science over media punditry. They had broad smiles on their faces when The Tribal Mind picked up its latest data package on Friday.

We'd asked them to dissect this assumption: that Australians are losing interest in mainstream television because newer pleasures are filling their time. When you have to listen to your iPod, play video games, muck round on the internet, fiddle with your mobile phone, watch DVDs, instant-message on MSN, pirate next month's movies and flaunt yourself on myface, blogbook and spacetube, something's got to give, and that something is the box in the corner. Yes, you own a giant screen, but the last thing you'd use it for is watching TV.

That conventional wisdom seems to be supported by the ratings charts, where a "hit" these days is any show that can pull more than 1.4 million viewers in the mainland capitals, while five years ago the hit threshold was 1.8 million. Channel Seven may be up and Nine may be down, but traditional television is really just a race between dinosaurs to see who can become extinct first.

To test this, our boffins hacked into the OzTAm mainframe and found ...

Average audience watching TV in the mainland capitals between 6pm and 10.30pm in the first 14 weeks of the year
2003: Nine 1,224,000; Seven 1,063,000; Ten 915,000; ABC 693,000; SBS 212,000; All Pay stations: 520,000.
2008: Nine 1,033,000; Seven 1,093,000; Ten 835,000; ABC 673,000; SBS 234,000; All pay stations: 778,000.

So the conventional wisdom is wrong. While the free stations have lost 208,000 viewers in five years, 258,000 more city people are watching Pay TV (where the 50 most popular shows this year have included 20 rugby league matches, eight AFL matches, five cricket matches, four soccer matches, two movies, An Aussie Goes Bolly, and series such as The Simpsons, Family Guy and Border Security, which have already been repeated on free TV).

But how could we actually be watching more television, when we've embraced an avalanche of alternative ways to waste time? Answer: Australians, notorious as early adopters with short attention spans, have learned to multi-task. We aren't replacing old media with new media -- we're sticking with the old and adding on the new.

Picture a typical 19 year old at 8.45 on a Monday night. On her big screen TV she has just switched from So You Think You Can Dance Australia to Desperate Housewives. She's got her laptop and her mobile open and, while updating her MySpace page, she's texting her friends about what movie they'll see tomorrow night. When the Despos are over, she'll watch a DVD of Blood Diamond.

And, of course, she's got The Sydney Morning Herald next to her, so she can catch up with that morning's Tribal Mind column (to which she'll respond by going to Comments, below). That's what the boffins tell me, anyway.

• by David Dale at 05:18 AM
• Comments (11)

The Bogies: You be the judge and jury

Voting has now closed. For the results of The Bogie Awards 2008, go to The Tribal Mind.
To discuss the best Australian movie ever made, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
The nominations are in. Now all we need are the votes. Readers responded with malicious enthusiasm to this column's call for audience participation in The 2008 Bogie Awards for the most annoying, embarrassing, overhyped and underrated programs, personalities and ads on Australian television.

Now, in the spirit of Big Brother, Australian Idol, It Takes Two, Dancing With The Stars and So You Think You Can Dance Australia, we want to give you the illusion that you can make a difference. Lets hear your judgements, below, on the content of this nation's favourite way of wasting time during the past 12 months ...

Most annoying person: Kyle Sandilands; David Koch; Sonia Kruger; Andrew O'Keefe; Bindi Irwin; Mike Munro.
Most offputting commercial: the Coco Pops ad in which two turds with French accents harass a housewife; "the one where the tongue leaves the body in search of a drink"; the Commonwealth Bank ads, particularly the Mad Max koala; the one where the girl is accompanied by a beaver..
Most unnecessary program: Out of the Question; Rules of Engagement; Animal Emergency; The Power of Ten; 20 To 1..
Most unnecessary personality: Candice Falzon; Lara Bingle; Peter Harvey; Jackie O; Karl Stefanovic; Natalie Barr; Danny Weidler; The Sunrise "family"; Grant Denyer; Richard Reid (gossip reporter for Nine's Today).
Most unnecessary adaptation of an overseas show: Big Brother; The Chopping Block; 60 Minutes; Deal or No Deal; Top Gear Australia .
Most overhyped: Grey's Anatomy; Cashmere Mafia; Australia's Next Top Model; Big Brother; The Moment of Truth; The Neighbours relaunch.
Most Underrated: Nip/ Tuck; Grand Designs; Lost; Newstopia; 30 Rock; East-West 101; Jekyll; Boston Legal; Big Love; Life on Mars; Robin Hood; Brothers and Sisters.
Most jerked around by the networks: Terminator - The Sarah Connor Chronicles; Scrubs; 30 Rock; Weeds; Stargate; Burn Notice; Battlestar Galactica; Lost.
Most missed: The Chaser's War on Everything; The Glasshouse; The Games; Summer Heights High; uninterrupted programs on SBS.
Most repeated: Love Actually; CSI; The Simpsons; Mean Girls; Bridget Jones; About a Boy; Futurama; Border Security; Friends; anything with Gordon Ramsay.
Worst network: Nine; SBS; Seven; Ten.
Most surprisingly smooth skin: Anne Sanders; Sandra Sully; Kerri-Anne Kennerly; Marcia Cross; Catriona Rowntree; Juanita Phillips; Richard Reid; Sigrid Thornton.
Most embarrassing program (the Naomi Robson Cup): My Kid's A Star; The Mint; The Moment of Truth; The Footy Show; The Sunrise special with Guy Sebastian; The Biggest Loser; Monster House; The Wedge; Two and a Half Men; Today Tonight; A Current Affair.
Furthest past use-by date (the Bert Newton Trophy): Tony Jones; Sam Newman; Paul Vautin; Kyle and Jackie O; Ray Martin; Barry Humphries (in any incarnation); Richard Wilkins; Daryl Somers.
The Black Bogie (the Eddie McGuire Chalice): Kyle Sandilands; David Koch; Richard Wilkins.

You could add more nominations, or vote on the ones already revealed. Once we've received your online votes, our panel of incorruptible accountants will tally them and determine the winners.

We propose to announce the result of your deliberations at a coruscating ceremony in the same week as the Logies. Sadly, we're sure there will be considerable overlap.

• by David Dale at 08:08 AM
• Comments (134)

The Tribal Mind: How wide is your cultural literacy?

To vote for the most annoying people and programs on TV, go to The Bogies

by David Dale
Every quarter this column submits the natIonal GST accounts -- where GST stands for the groovy, successful and transient entertainments which have filled the leisure time of Australians in recent months. Lets begin with a quiz to test your cultural literacy. If you get more than five of these right, you can rejoice in being attuned to the latest tastes of your compatriots. If you get less than five right, you can rejoice in being distinct from the common herd.

You'll find clues in the charts below, which list pleasures consumed by more than a million of us between January 1 and March 31. But don't look down there yet. And definitely don't go to the answers yet.

1 Who kept saying "Come back, come back to me"? To whom? In what?
2 Give the last two names in this set: Amazon, Angel, Bionica, Destiny, Nitro ...
3 Who said: "God didn't do this, we did." In what?
4 Fill in the missing words: Novak -- defeated Jo-Wilfried -- in the final of -- -- --.
5. Who shot Alphonse Gangitano? And then who ordered a hit on the person who shot Alphonse Gangitano. In what?
6 "There ain't no second chance against the thing with forty eyes." Who sang this, on what?
7 Give the last two names in this set: Graeme, Demi, Rhys, Rhiannon, Henry, Vanessa ...
8 "I feel like I just found out my favorite love song was written about a sandwich." Who said this, in what?
9 Complete this chorus, and name the source: "I wanna take you away, lets escape into the music. DJ let it play, I just can't refuse it. Like the way you do this ... "
10 Give the last two names in this set: Peter, Chris, Lois, Meg ...

Now here are the clues ...

The movies we're seeing. At the cinema: I Am Legend ($23m worth of tickets sold); Alvin and the Chipmunks ($17.5m); 27 Dresses ($15.5m); The Golden Compass ($15m); Enchanted ($12.5m); American Gangster ($11.5m); Juno ($11.5m); Atonement ($10.5m). Top selling DVDs: Family Guy - Blue Harvest; Ratatouille; The Simpsons Movie; Futurama - Bender's Big Score; Hairspray.

The books we're reading. Underbelly: The Gangland War, John Silvester & Andrew Rule; 4 Ingredients, Kim McCosker and Rachel Bermingham; 7th Heaven, James Patterson; Atonement, Ian McEwan; People of the Book, Geraldine Brooks; Duma Key, Stephen King .

The music we're playing. Top selling albums: Sleep Through The Static, Jack Johnson; Thriller, Michael Jackson; Hook Me Up, The Veronicas; Spirit, Leona Lewis; Good Girl Gone Bad, Rihanna, from which came the top selling single, Don't Stop The Music.

The TV we're watching. Top rating shows in the mainland capitals: Australian Open Tennis Men's Final (7) 2.3 million; Gladiators (7) 1.8m; Border Security (7) 1.7m; So You Think You Can Dance Australia (10) 1.6m; One Day Cricket Australia v India final (9) 1.6m; RSPCA Animal Rescue (7) 1.6m; CSI (9) 1.5m; Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares (9) 1.5m; Underbelly (9) 1.2m (but would be 1.8 million if it had been shown in Melbourne).

Click here to check your answers

• by David Dale at 10:32 AM
• Comments (10)

The Tribal Mind: Answers to the cutural literacy quiz

To learn how Australians spend their spare time, go to The Tribal Mind

The Answers
1 Cecilia to Robbie in Atonement (book and film).
2 Olympia and Viper in the TV show Gladiators.
3 Robert Neville (Will Smith) in the film I Am Legend.
4 Djokovic defeated Tsongas in the men's final of the Australian Open tennis.
5 Jason Moran, Carl Williams in Underbelly (book and TV show).
6 Michael Jackson on the album Thriller, which is a hit again after 20 years.
7 Jack and Kate. They're all contestants in So You Think You Can Dance Australia.
8 Jane Nichols (Katherine Heigl) in the film 27 Dresses.
9 "... Keep on rockin to it", from Rihanna's single Don't Stop The Music.
10 Brian and Stewie in Family Guy.

• by David Dale at 12:00 AM
• Comments (2)

The Tribal Mind: Thinking of you and wondering why

To learn which city is better -- Melbourne or Sydney, go to Who We Are

by David Dale
The word "shibboleth" has come to mean a platitude or slogan or statement of belief which fails to stand up to close examination. Examples of shibboleths passed down to us from the 20th century include that Diana Spencer was murdered by MI5, Harold Holt was taken by a Chinese submarine, the real shooter was on the grassy knoll, Gough Whitlam was the victim of a CIA plot, Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds was written to promote drug-taking, and Pauline Hanson represented the silent majority. Today I want to tackle the most annoying shibboleth in popular culture -- that the song MacArthur Park is a model of pretentious incomprehensibility.

The only mystery about the lyrics of MacArthur Park is why people keep saying they are a mystery. It shouldn't be necessary to explain them, but their author, Jimmy Webb (who also wrote By The Time I Get To Phoenix, Up Up and Away and Wichita Lineman), is performing at Sydney's Enmore Theatre next week, giving a new generation of disc jockeys the opportunity to joke about cakes left out in the rain and passion flowing like rivers through the sky.

I have never spoken to Webb, but I have visited MacArthur Park in central Los Angeles (mistakenly pronounced "MacArthur's Park" by Richard Harris after a few whiskies). When I saw it, there were no birds like tender babies or old men playing checkers by the trees. The inhabitants were mainly homeless people and drug dealers. Clearly the environment was more salubrious when Webb was inspired to make it a metaphor for lost love.

Amidst the park's greenery is an amphitheatre that looks like an inverted wedding cake. That's all you need to know.

Verse one is a flashback about the beginning of the affair. Being pressed in love's hot fevered iron like a striped pair of pants sounds uncomfortable, but no songwriter has come up with a fresher way to describe sexual obsession.

Then we reach the chorus that causes all the trouble: "MacArthur Park is melting in the dark, all the sweet green icing flowing down. Someone left the cake out in the rain. I don't think that I can take it, 'cos it took so long to bake it, and I'll never have that recipe again."

The narrator has returned at night to the park where he used to meet his sweetheart. Through his tears, it looks like a wedding cake dissolving in the rain. The romance which took so long to develop is over, and he doesn't think he'll ever love like that again.

The narrator cheers up later in the song, and concedes that he will find other lovers and hot passions (possibly in a plane). But he'll always wonder what went wrong with the park-based relationship.

What could be simpler?

If you have a different view about what MacArthur Park means, or you'd care to nominate other great shibboleths of the 20th century, click on "Comments" ...

• by David Dale at 10:16 AM
• Comments (31)

The Tribal Mind: Great moments in trend spotting

To nominate displays for the Museum of Australian Failures, go to Who We Are.
For regular updates on Australian attitudes, bookmark http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

by David Dale
The death last month of the English singer Mike Smith has made me wonder if I should revise a prediction I made a while back: that history would judge The Dave Clark Five to be more significant than The Beatles.

I made that prediction to my parents, when they offered to take me to see the Beatles at Sydney Stadium. I said The Mersey Beat was just a passing fad, and the ticket money would be better spent on bookings for The Dave Clark Five, whose Tottenham Sound clearly had a bigger future, what with Mike Smith's bluesy roar and Dave Clark's booming drums pushing along such lyrics as "All of your life now (all of your life) Till the ayend of time (end of time) Because this love now (because this love) Is gonna be yours and mine (yours and mine). Cos I'm feeling (thump thump) glad all over. Yes I'm-uh glad all over. Baby I'm (thump thump) glad all over. So glad you're mine."

In the ensuing years, as The DC5 faded from view, I became subject to regular ridicule from my cousins as the kid who had said no to Beatles tickets. That was the begining of my brilliant career as a trend spotter.

When two different video recording systems came out in the early 80s, I invested in Betamax, which was clearly technically superior to VHS. I stand by that analysis.

Around that time, working as a political journalist, I predicted that the first woman prime minister of Australia would be Susan Ryan, while the first woman leader of the Liberal Party would be Kathy Martin, who would defeat Susan Ryan and become the second woman prime minister of Australia. Both women are still alive, as far as I know, so I have not given up hope.

In 1994, when Liberal leader Alexander Downer got into trouble for making tasteless jokes, I went into print advising him to ignore the critics and put more jokes into his policy pronouncements. When the Liberals surprised me by replacing him with John Howard, I predicted Howard would lose the 1996 election and retire to work as a solicitor in North Sydney. But I thought he'd make a comeback in 2000, when Australia would become a republic and Prime Minister Keating, as a gesture of national reconciliation, would appoint Howard as our first president.

On March 12, The Dave Clark Five were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in New York (along with Madonna). At the ceremony, attended by the three surviving members pictured here -- Dave Clark (drums), Lenny Davidson (lead guitar) and Rick Huxley (bass) -- Clark said: "Mike tried desperately to be here tonight, but sadly he passed away just a few days ago. But at least he knows he's a Hall of Famer. Mike, you are with us in spirit, my friend, and always will be."

So The Dave Clark Five could rise again, once they find a new singer and keyboardist (Alan Price?). And when Australia becomes a republic in 2012, PM Turnbull, as a gesture of national reconciliation, will offer the first presidency to Paul Keating. Trust me, I can sense these things.

• by David Dale at 06:39 AM
• Comments (9)

The Who We Are update: Week 15

This week of the blog is now a heritage item -- worth studying but no longer current. To join the latest discussion, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
To learn how Australians spend their spare time, go to The Tribal Mind

The ratings race, updated 10am Sunday
At this point in the week, the prime time audience shares are ABC 17.2% Seven 28.2% Nine 26.6% Ten 22.2% SBS 5.7%.

What Australia watched, Saturday
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,279,000 365,000 358,000 257,000 139,000 159,000
2 DOC MARTIN ABC 1,256,000 393,000 310,000 269,000 131,000 152,000
3 HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS -RPT Nine 1,083,000 338,000 285,000 192,000 128,000 140,000
4 AUSTRALIA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEO SHOW Nine 1,055,000 292,000 255,000 229,000 132,000 147,000
5 ABC NEWS-SAT ABC 991,000 290,000 290,000 211,000 98,000 101,000
6 NINE NEWS SATURDAY Nine 912,000 280,000 261,000 161,000 138,000 71,000
7 THE GREAT OUTDOORS Seven 869,000 257,000 269,000 168,000 95,000 81,000
8 SATURDAY NIGHT AFL Ten 842,000 118,000 333,000 85,000 126,000 179,000
10 TEN NEWS AT FIVE SAT Ten 751,000 197,000 313,000 132,000 109,000
11 THE BILL ABC 739,000 218,000 180,000 147,000 71,000 123,000
12 MICHAEL PALIN'S NEW EUROPE Seven 738,000 216,000 226,000 125,000 60,000 111,000
14 LEWIS Seven 718,000 196,000 212,000 127,000 86,000 96,000
15 GARDENING AUSTRALIA ABC 678,000 181,000 204,000 140,000 91,000 64,000
16 SATURDAY AFTERNOON AFL Ten 608,000 68,000 306,000 40,000 100,000 95,000
19 TOP GEAR (SERIES 1) SBS 468,000 168,000 126,000 103,000 41,000 29,000
Continued here

• by David Dale at 05:15 AM
• Comments (75)

The Who We Are update: Week 14

This week of the blog is now a heritage item -- worth studying but no longer current. For the latest discussion, go here

What Australia watched, Saturday
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 DOC MARTIN ABC 1,331,000 355,000 363,000 263,000 177,000 173,000
2 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,155,000 293,000 295,000 270,000 102,000 196,000
3 AUSTRALIA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEO SHOW Nine 989,000 204,000 263,000 219,000 128,000 174,000
4 ABC NEWS-SAT ABC 978,000 298,000 268,000 194,000 92,000 126,000
5 HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE -RPT Nine 967,000 279,000 240,000 185,000 115,000 148,000
6 NINE NEWS SATURDAY Nine 923,000 249,000 269,000 184,000 116,000 105,000
7 SATURDAY NIGHT AFL Ten 891,000 112,000 445,000 114,000 114,000 106,000
10 THE GREAT OUTDOORS Seven 779,000 196,000 240,000 157,000 74,000 113,000
11 MICHAEL PALIN'S NEW EUROPE Seven 720,000 203,000 198,000 157,000 47,000 115,000
14 THE BILL ABC 672,000 221,000 229,000 139,000 83,000 Not shown (but what was on the ABC in Perth instead?)
15 SATURDAY AFTERNOON AFL Ten 653,000 51,000 272,000 51,000 78,000 202,000
19 TOP GEAR (SERIES 1) SBS 419,000 128,000 129,000 78,000 47,000 36,000
Continued here

• by David Dale at 08:42 AM
• Comments (63)

The Tribal Mind: A multi-sex theory of programming

To discuss who should play Australia's first freedom fighter, go to Who We Are.
To nominate television's most annoying people and programs, go to The Bogies

by David Dale
There are four sexes in Australia: men, women, old folks and The Rich. If you want to be perfectly precise about it, you could divide the first two sexes into two sub-sexes: young men and women and middle-aged men and women. Then you'd have an impression of how the viewers are viewed by the programmers and advertisers who decide the content of Australia's favourite medium.

The four-or-six-sex-theory of Australian tastes explains why certain TV shows that appear to be flops are kept on by the TV stations. The various social segments consume entertainment very differently, which means there is no longer such a thing as a mass market. Successful programmers know how to play the niches. A program need only appeal to one of the sexes to justify a spot in the schedule. You may not like it, but as long as 700,000 members of one of the other sexes tune in and turn on once a week, it's a hit.

For example, the 770,000 people in the mainland capitals who watch Lost at 9.30 on Thursdays are mostly males aged 16-39, so it's the perfect environment to push computers, cars and mobile phones. The million who watch its rival, Kitchen Nightmares, are mostly wealthy women aged 25 to 54, so they'll be wanting not just a new kitchen but, with any luck, a new home.

Let's do a dissection of how Australians are consuming television at the moment. This is not through any vulgar curiosity about popular culture, which, according to the ABC, has been condemned by the Australian novelist, Peter Carey. We're doing this because it behoves every citizen to understand the way every other citizen behaves. In reading what follows, your motives are anthropological.

Before studying these charts, bear in mind that Old Folks means people over 55 and The Rich means people earning more than $80,000 a year (in Occupational Groups 1 and 2, to use the ratings jargon):

Men enjoy: The cricket; Underbelly; SYTYCDA; Family Guy; Terminator; The Force; The Simpsons; House; Top Gear; Lost; Numb3rs; Good News Week.

Women enjoy: So You Think You Can Dance Australia; Grey's Anatomy; Desperate Housewives; Bondi Rescue; RPA; House; Cashmere Mafia; The Biggest Loser; Brothers and Sisters; Samantha Who; Women's Murder Club: All Saints; Medium.

The rich enjoy: SYTYCDA; Underbelly; Spicks and Specks; Grey's Anatomy; Desperate Housewives; Kitchen Nightmares USA; CSI; RPA; Cashmere Mafia; House; Dirty Sexy Money; Jekyll.

Old folks enjoy: Doc Martin; Dalziel and Pascoe; Miss Marple; Lewis; Four Corners; RSPCA Animal Rescue; The Real Seachange; Border Security; A Year With The Royal Family; The Bill; The Zoo; It Takes Two.

As you see, the oldies mostly watch the ABC, which is convenient for the commercial stations because there's not a lot advertisers want to sell to over 55s. When they want to promote retirement villages, gardening products, and funeral arrangements, they'll buy time on It Takes Two, A Year With The Royal Family and The Real Seachange. Not that you're in a position to confirm this, because you'd never watch shows like that -- except for anthropological purposes, of course.

• by David Dale at 02:52 PM
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WHO WE ARE: Talk is rich

To discuss whether Nicole Kidman has jumped the shark again, go to Nut guards.
To nominate television's most annoying people and programs, go to The Bogies

A column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 9/3/2008.
The readers have spoken. By a clear majority, they have given their ruling on who is Australia's greatest orator - the person responsible for the most significant speeches ever made on this continent. And in the process they've disposed of the myth that Australians are a people of few words, laconic bordering on inarticulate.

Last week this column published excerpts from six speeches often described as historical turning points, whether or not you agree with their sentiments. They were Arthur Phillip's warning to the new arrivals in 1788 ("a vigorous execution of the law -- whatever it may cost my feeling -- shall follow closely upon the heels of every offender"); Henry Parkes's call for federation in 1890 ("The crimson thread of kinship runs through us all"); Alfred Deakin's introduction of the White Australia Policy in 1901 ("It is not the bad qualities but the good qualities of these alien races that make them dangerous to us"); Paul Keating's Redfern speech in 1992 ("We brought the diseases. The alcohol. We committed the murders"); John Howard's Bali bombing memorial in 2002 ("The Australian spirit will remain strong and free and open and tolerant"); and Kevin Rudd's apology last month ("To the mothers and the fathers, the brothers and the sisters, for the breaking up of families and communities, we say sorry.") Click here to read that column.

Readers responded by nominating alternative candidates for the title of Australia's most important speech. Some examples:

Mustafa Kemal Ataturk, President of Turkey, remembering the Anzacs, 1934: "There is no difference between the Johnnies and the Mehmets to us where they lie side by side here in this country of ours ... You, the mothers, who sent their sons from far away countries, wipe away your tears. Your sons are now lying in our bosom and are in peace. After having lost their lives on this land, they have become our sons as well."

Labor leader Arthur Calwell opposing Australia's entry into the Vietnam war in 1965: "It is not our desire, when servicemen are about to be sent to distant battlefields, and when war - cruel, costly and interminable - stares us in the face, that the nation should be divided. When the drums beat and the trumpets sound, the voice of reason and right can be heard in the land only with difficulty. But if we are to have the courage of our convictions, then we must do our best to make that voice heard." (Speech written by Graham Freudenberg)

Prime Minister John Curtin asking the American people for help, 1942: "This war may see the end of much that we have painfully and slowly built in our 150 years of existence. But even though all of it go, there will still be Australians fighting on Australian soil until the turning point be reached, and we will advance over blackened ruins, through blasted and fire-swept cities, across scorched plains, until we drive the enemy into the sea. I give you the pledge of my country. There will always be an Australian Government and there will always be an Australian people. We are too strong in our hearts; our spirit is too high; the justice of our cause throbs too deeply in our being for that high purpose to be overcome. (Click here to hear it)

Liberal leader Robert Menzies on "The forgotten people", 1942: "The middle class who, properly regarded, represent the backbone of this country: First, it has a responsibility for homes: homes material, homes human, homes spiritual ... Second, the middle class, more than any other, provides the intelligent ambition which is the motive power of human progress ... Third, the middle class provides more than any other the intellectual life that marks us off from the beast; the life which finds room for literature, for the arts, for science, for medicine and the law ... Individual enterprise must drive us forward."

PM Paul Keating honouring the Unknown Soldier, 1993: "On all sides they were the heroes of that war: not the generals and the politicians, but the soldiers and sailors and nurses - those who taught us to endure hardship, show courage, to be bold as well as resilient, to believe in ourselves, to stick together. The Unknown Australian Soldier we inter today was one of those who by his deeds proved that real nobility and grandeur belongs not to empires and nations but to the people on whom they, in the last resort, always depend. It is not too much to hope, therefore, that this Unknown Australian soldier might continue to serve his country - he might enshrine a nation's love of peace and remind us that in the sacrifice of the men and women whose names are recorded here there is faith enough for all of us.

Of the 74 responses to last week's column, 22 voted for speeches by Paul Keating (including Redfern, the Unknown Soldier, and Waltzing Matilda). Some simultaneously accused him of incompetence and arrogance.

Several readers pointed out that Keating's speeches were written by Don Watson. So perhaps Watson should get any glory we are handing out today. But as Denise Davies remarked: "Watson wrote the way Keating thought and spoke. No euphemisms, no unambiguous language. Keating is a clear sighted visionary and he had the good fortune to link up with a magnificent speech writer."

Or perhaps we should reward spontaneity. As Micky wrote: "You all missed the point - a great speech by an Australian PM that reflects the ambitions, loves, hates, fears and very soul of its people: 'Any boss who sacks a worker for not turning up today is a bum' - RJ Hawke on the morning after Australia II won the America's Cup yacht race, 1983.

There's one more nomination I'd like to make. We don't know the actual words used in this speech, but we know it had a powerful effect. It was given -- several times, probably --by the Aboriginal leader Pemulwuy early in the year 1790. It caused the previously passive tribes of the Sydney region to unite in a campaign of guerilla warfare against the people they saw as invaders. The warfare ended only when Pemulwuy was captured and beheaded in 1802.

I'll give more details about that in next week's column, but in the meantime, give us your view on the speeches nominated so far ...

• by David Dale at 06:17 AM
• Comments (28)

The Tribal Mind: Nut guards vs kickworthies

For futher discussion of Australian attitudes, bookmark http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
To discuss the most important speech ever given in Australia, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
At last the Zeitgeist has thrown up another tool for analysing popular culture which is almost as powerful as the notion of "jumping the shark". It is "the nut guard".

If it had been created in Australia, it would probably have been called "the cup" or "the box", by analogy with the device used by cricketers to protect their vulnerable parts. Because it was created in the US, it is defined thus by Entertainment Weekly magazine: "nut guard (noun): The credit on an actor's resume that is so beloved it stops fans from wanting to actually kick him where it hurts after sitting through his latest stinker. [Origin: After seeing Fred Claus, Mandi told her friend Karen that she wanted to kick Vince Vaughn in the nuts. Karen said, "No, you can't. He's got a nut guard because of Swingers."]

Thus John Travolta, who has made many a kickworthy, gets a nut guard from Pulp Fiction -- a film which also offered some protection to Bruce Willis. Brad Pitt is guarded by Fight Club, George Clooney by Michael Clayton. Tom Cruise, whose whole life is kickworthy, gets guards from Rain Man and Collateral. Hugh Grant is running just about even on each side. Will Ferrell's only protection is Stranger Than Fiction, but that's because of the presence of Emma Thompson, who has never made a kickworthy.

Yes, the concept applies to women, too, even if it's a technical misnomer. Lindsay Lohan's protection is Mean Girls, but it's not nearly enough. Angelina Jolie's is A Mighty Heart, which counterbalances two Lara Croft movies. Cate Blanchett has so many nut guards she could do kickworthies for the rest of her career.

Last year, this column, after consulting its readers, declared that Nicole Kidman had jumped the shark, based on a string of embarrassments that displayed chronic bad taste in scripts.

Since then, she's been the best performer in The Golden Compass and she's played an interesting neurotic in Margot At The Wedding (which made just $80,000 in its first week in Australian cinemas, suggesting Our Nic is not exactly a huge drawcard in her own land).

But any protection Kidman may claim from those performances is dissolved by a flick called The Invasion, a sci-fi potboiler which is a colossal waste of time, even when seen on a plane (in the photo above, O.N. has just realised her ex-husband has been turned into a zombie by aliens -- which sounds like the story of her life). Like Stepford Wives, it's the kind of shark-jump symptom that causes audiences too polite to don the steel-capped boots to ask "What was she thinking? It's not as if she needs the money!"

In its first week at the Australian box office, The Invasion made $37,000. In the same period, Rambo made $750,000. The horrifying posibility emerges that Sylvester Stallone has more nut guards than Nicole Kidman.

The nut guard is a new tool for media analysts, and its parameters need refining. Can you help with these questions: Is an Oscar-winning performance automatically a nut guard, and how many kickworthies should it block? What might be the current ng/kw balance of Eric Bana, Toni Collette, Russell Crowe, Judy Davis, Mel Gibson, Rachel Griffiths, Hugh Jackman, Nicole Kidman, Miranda Otto, Guy Pearce, Geoffrey Rush, Naomi Watts and Hugo Weaving? It is, of course, a matter of personal opinion, and we'd like yours ...

• by David Dale at 12:59 AM
• Comments (21)

The Tribal Mind: But what do the Noughties really mean?

For daily updates on Australian attitudes, bookmark http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
To discuss the most important speech ever given in Australia, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
In the eighth year of every decade, clever people finally identify what that decade is about. For example, shortly after the stock market crash of late 1987, and the movie Wall Street, they decided the western world was enjoying "The Greed Is Good Decade".

In 1968, they realised the ongoing upheavals were not only in fashion, drugs, and rock and roll, but also in politics. That made it The Decade of Revolution (even if Australia didn't join the revolution until 1972).

The breakup of Abba and the arrival of Star Wars (in which everyone in the future dressed as Abba groupies) gave us the theme for the 1970s: The Decade That Style Forgot.

And the 90s became "The dotcom decade" when young entrepreneurs such as Jamie Packer and Lachlan Murdoch started throwing dough at a theory that the masses would pay to indulge their newfound addiction to the internet. (A strong alternative claimant on 90s naming rights was The Decade of Diana).

You see where I'm going with this: we have ten months to filter the Zeitgeist and identify The Theme of the Noughties.

Potential candidates: economically, it is The Decade of China, which will replace America as The world superpower by 2009. Politically it's The September 11 Decade, since that event started a world war that will continue long after 2010.

In posh restaurants, it's been The Time of Foam; in fashion, The Age of Cleavage (just as the 60s was the miniskirt, the 70s bellbottoms, the 80s shoulder pads and the 90s the black suit).

In showbiz, the death of privacy is symbolized by the worldwide success of Big Brother, unless we're more inspired by the Trajectory of Britney, who entered the decade singing Oops I Did It Again and will be lucky to get out of it alive.

These are worthy contenders, but I reckon the key is in communications. If we'd been having this discussion five years ago, I'd have called it "The eDecade", because everything was happening via email. But already the under 30s have bypassed that method of messaging and talk via MyFace, YouBook, and SpaceTube. That lower case "e" is soooo 2002.

Lets move further into the alphabet and workshop the notion that this will be looked upon, in years to come, as ... The iDecade

The technological bookends of our times are the iPod and the iPhone, but i, as in internet, is not just about gadgets.

In 2000, 370 million people around the world were linked via computer. This year, it's 1.25 billion. Wikipedia went online in 2001, with 20,000 articles. Now it has more than two million.

In 2002, there were 100,000 blogs. Now there are 70 million, not counting this one. In 2001, the ranking mechanism used by Google received a US patent; in 2006, the verb "to google" entered the Oxford English Dictionary; and last month Google announced it had indexed 16.5 billion web pages.

So it could be The Wikade, or The GoogleTen, but I'm going to settle for The iDecade because the first letter, in upper case form, also stands for the Middle Eastern nation whose plight proves how superstition is still the world's leading cause of murder. And the first letter also means ego, which represents how Britney Spears and Big Brother gave rise to the phenomenon that is Corey Worthington worship.

Ah hell, lets call it The Decade of Corey (he's not the messiah, he's just a Noughties boy).

Tell us what you think here ...

• by David Dale at 03:27 PM
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The Who We Are update: The Easter fortnight

This week's blog is now a heritage item -- worthy studying but no longer current. For the latest media discussion, go here.
For regular updates on Australian attitudes, bookmark http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
To learn which city is better -- Melbourne or Sydney, go to Who We Are
To vote for The Bogie Awards, go to The Tribal Mind.

What Australia watched, Saturday
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 DOC MARTIN ABC 1,310,000 387,000 393,000 226,000 143,000 160,000
2 ABC NEWS-SAT ABC 1,099,000 336,000 348,000 191,000 99,000 125,000
3 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,097,000 310,000 319,000 204,000 99,000 165,000
4 AUSTRALIA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEO SHOW Nine 998,000 241,000 283,000 274,000 97,000 103,000
5 NINE NEWS SATURDAY Nine 996,000 234,000 339,000 228,000 104,000 92,000
6 BILL ABC 930,000 282,000 276,000 162,000 83,000 127,000
7 COLLECTORS (SHORTS) ABC 825,000 237,000 250,000 124,000 91,000 124,000
8 ABC NEWS UP-DATE ABC 772,000 223,000 224,000 112,000 84,000 130,000
9 2008 OLYMPIC SWIMMING TRIALS Nine 761,000 214,000 208,000 215,000 66,000 59,000
10 GARDENING AUSTRALIA ABC 725,000 209,000 241,000 141,000 63,000 70,000
11 M-CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE DRAMA QUEEN Seven 695,000 180,000 175,000 152,000 67,000 122,000
12 M-WELCOME TO MOOSEPORT Seven 690,000 162,000 198,000 159,000 77,000 93,000
13 SATURDAY NIGHT AFL Ten 669,000 365,000 48,000 130,000 125,000
16 SATURDAY AFTERNOON AFL Ten 525,000 52,000 239,000 38,000 74,000 121,000
17 KEEPING UP APPEARANCES Seven 513,000 164,000 118,000 95,000 74,000 61,000
21 TOP GEAR (SERIES 1) SBS 457,000 118,000 142,000 86,000 68,000 44,000
22 SPOOKS RPT ABC 456,000 110,000 147,000 79,000 53,000 67,000

• by David Dale at 06:20 AM
• Comments (86)

The Tribal Mind: Farewell old tape, we won't miss you

For further discussion of Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

by David Dale
When the VCR first came out in Australia, people joked that every home needed a 10 year old child to show their parents how to program it to record TV shows. This year those clever children will turn 40, and are asking their ten year olds to show them how to download TV shows off the internet.

We're about to celebrate the 30th birthday of the technology that transformed home entertainment. At the same time we celebrate the 10th birthday of the technology that killed it -- the DVD.

You should expect a tsunami of VCR nostalgia. The first ripple is in the form of a movie called Be Kind, Rewind. It is directed by Michel Gondry, who made some of the greatest music videos of the 1990s before directing strange and beautiful films such as Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind.

In Be Kind, Rewind, Jack Black accidentally erases all the tapes in a video store, and recruits his friends to make amateur versions of such classics as Ghostbusters, Lion King, Robocop, and Driving Miss Daisy. The videos become the hit of the neighbourhood -- until the copyright police arrive.
It sounds like fun, but really, what is there to be nostalgic about? Is there any way in which VHS beats DVD -- convenience of storage, ease of fast forward, clarity of sound and image, space for extra features? The video simply has age on its side.
Lets do the chronology: In 1975, Sony launched (in America) a recording and playback technology called Betamax. In 1977 another Japanese company, JVC, introduced a competing technology called VHS, which came with a remote control. Both made test appearances in Australia in 1978, and in 1980, The Sydney Morning Herald reported: "Relief is at hand for film buffs who want to watch at home movies uncut and uninterrupted by commercials. The one condition is that you have a video recorder. All the signs seem to indicate that 1981 will usher in the era of home video ... at present the VHS format seems to be the dominant one on a world basis."

By 1984, 26 per cent of Australian homes had VCRs. By 1997 the VCR had spread to 87 per cent of households. Then the DVD arrived (the first movie released on disc was Evita, with Madonna, but things improved rapidly).

In 2000 Australians spent $174 million buying videos and $48 million buying dvds. In 2007 we spent $1.5 million on videos and $1.2 billion on dvds.

What kind of people still buy their home entertainment on VHS? You'll get some impression from the top sellers of the past month, as measured by GfK Marketing: 10 Things I Hate About You, Volume 8 of the cartoon series Samurai, School of Rock, Scooby Doo, and two collections of the TV series Sleepover Club. Now that's weird: 30 years later, the main audience for videos is ten year olds.

• by David Dale at 03:47 PM
• Comments (14)

The Tribal Mind: How not to sell a magazine

For daily updates on Australian attitudes, bookmark http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
To learn why State governments should be abolished, go to The next big thing.

by David Dale
When The Bulletin died last month (read about it here), commentators lamented that there is no longer an audience for serious political analysis in Australia. They suggested the venerable news mag might have survived if it had devoted its covers to Angelina Jolie, Nicole Kidman, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, because readers these days are only interested in shallow titillation. But the latest sales figures suggest this conventional wisdom is wrong. Celebrity wouldn't have saved The Bulletin. Australia is losing its taste for gossip.

The stats released on Friday by the Audit Bureau of Circulations show that over the past 12 months, the biggest losers were the scandal weeklies. Famous is down 6 per cent; NW is down 10 per cent; Who Weekly is down 9 per cent and Woman's Day is down 8 per cent. The monthlies which combine celeb-worship with relationship advice are also in free fall: New Woman down 26 per cent, Dolly and Cosmopolitan down 14 per cent; and Cleo down 11 per cent.

So if readers don't want news and don't want gossip and don't want orgasms, what do they want? You may draw some conclusions from the mags that scored the biggest boosts in the past 12 months: Australian Property Investor up 39 per cent; OK! up 25 per cent; DMag up 24; Recipes+ up 18; Donna Hay up 14; Zoo Weekly up 10; Men's Health up 10 (while Woman's Health was launched with sales of 75,000 a month). Apparently we like money, glamour, games, cooking, large breasts and fitness.

But lets not leap on the rise of Zoo Weekly (whose pinup girl is the surgically augmented Big Brother Contestant Krystal Forscutt) as evidence of a trend towards macho voyeurism. In the year that Zoo gained 12,000 buyers (to reach 122,000), FHM dropped 24 per cent, Ralph dropped 9 per cent and People dropped 6 per cent.
The Audit Bureau reports that the category it calls "Men's Interest" lost 49,000 buyers over the year, while "Mass Weeklies" lost 70,000 and "Business Magazines" lost 54,000.

The categories that did best were Health (61,000 new buyers) Motoring/bikes (42,000 new buyers), and Food/entertaining (41,000 new buyers).

So if you're thinking of entering the magazine business, you probably should call it something like Gourmet Revhead or Top Grub or Fit 'n' Foodie. The cover should show a muscular woman leaning against a bike and eating a rocket and parmesan salad. Just make sure she looks nothing like Britney Spears.

If you've got a better idea for a hit mag, tell us below ...

Australia's top selling magazines: 1 Women's Weekly 570,000 a month (down 6 per cent in 12 months)
2 Woman's Day 466,000 a week (down 8 per cent)
3 New Idea 388,000 a week (down 2)
4 Readers Digest 352,000 a month (down 2)
5 Better Homes and Gardens 350,000 a month (up 5)
6 That's Life 321,000 a week (down 1)
7 Super Food Ideas 301,000 a month (down 6)
8 Take 5 251,000 a week (down 2)
9 TV Week 240,000 a week (down 12)
10 Cosmopolitan 175,000 a month (down 14).

• by David Dale at 01:44 AM
• Comments (25)

The Who We Are update: Week 9 of the ratings race

This week of the blog is now a heritage item -- worth studying but no longer current. For the latest discussion, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

Saturday night is another country ... They do things differently there. Like watch on Channel Seven repeats of The Vicar of Dibley that were shown previously on the ABC. And watch on the ABC repeats of Doc Martin that were shown previously on the ABC. And watch on Channel Seven The Inspector Lynley Mysteries that should have been shown on the ABC.

What Australia watched, Saturday March 2
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 DOC MARTIN RPT ABC 1,239,000 336,000 413,000 244,000 124,000 121,000
2 THE VICAR OF DIBLEY Seven 1,235,000 327,000 358,000 244,000 120,000 187,000
3 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,139,000 322,000 266,000 253,000 111,000 187,000
4 ABC NEWS-SAT ABC 1,097,000 292,000 399,000 198,000 99,000 110,000
5 NINE NEWS SAT Nine 1,009,000 264,000 346,000 205,000 137,000 57,000
6 COLLECTORS (SHORTS) ABC 926,000 260,000 303,000 163,000 101,000 100,000
7 AUSTRALIA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEO SHOW Nine 913,000 205,000 301,000 181,000 134,000 93,000
8 M-ICE PRINCESS Seven 901,000 239,000 243,000 177,000 91,000 152,000
9 THE INSPECTOR LYNLEY MYSTERIES Seven 799,000 222,000 223,000 155,000 81,000 119,000

• by David Dale at 12:21 AM
• Comments (102)

WHO WE ARE: What every applicant needs to know

For a daily update on social trends, bookmark http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare
To learn why State governments should be abolished, go to The next big thing.

A column about Australia, by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 10/2/2008
Do you have the knowledge necessary to flourish at work and play in Australia -- not the history stuff you learnt at school and instantly forgot, but an understanding of what Australians are like in the 21st century? Are you brave enough to test yourself?

I'll give you a set of answers, and you suggest the questions that gave rise to them. If you read this column last week, you'll be ahead of the game. Don't look to the end yet ...

The Answers
1 To squash; to remove; go into a rage; an isolated inland area; frequent intercourse (as in bangs like ...); stomach upset.
2. 1.7 % of the population; 26 %; 2.5 %; 54 %; 0.5 %; 85%.
3 The Sound of Music; Crocodile Dundee; Star Wars; E.T.; Titanic.
4 Dancing With The Stars; Kath and Kim; Friends; Border Security; Desperate Housewives.
5 106 times a year.
6 Are you awake, love?
7. 90,000 a year.
8. $644; $3,000; mother father, 1.75 children.
9. AFL, rugby league, tennis, cricket, horse racing, swimming, rugby union, soccer.
10 Heart disease; cancer; strokes; accidents; diabetes.
11 74% of adults.
12 The belief, now declining, that Australia can never do anything as well as the British or the Americans; the belief, now growing, that we have nothing to learn from the rest of the world.
13 Thongs, spaghetti bolognese (pad thai a close second), cappuccino, tomato sauce (soy sauce a close second), G'day.
14 $US3.7 million to Nicole Kidman for a four minute Chanel No 5 commercial.
15 San Remo pasta; Ingham's frozen chicken.
16 Frank McEnroe; Cyril Callister; Norman Lindsay; Max Schubert; Edwin Street.
17 Taken by a dingo at Ayer's rock; lost swimming off a beach near Melbourne; arrested arriving in Bali with marijuana in her boogie board bag.
18. Anzac Day (landing of Australian troops in Turkey in 1915); the English monarch's birthday; the Melbourne Cup horse race; Armistice Day in 1918 and the dismissal of PM Gough Whitlam by the Governor-General in 1975.
19. Boundless plains.
20. The Nobel Prize.

• by David Dale at 06:39 AM
• Comments (2)

The Tribal Mind: Details that distinguish us from U.S.

For daily updates on Australian attitudes, bookmark http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
To learn why State governments should be abolished, go to The next big thing.
by David Dale
How are the mighty fallen. Last week I picked up, in the bargain bin of my local DVD store, a brand new copy of Titanic for $9.99 (in the same bin, a brand new copy of Jaws was going for $14.99).

Ten years ago Titanic was king of the world -- the highest grossing movie of all time in every country where it was shown (world earnings $A2.3 billion, ten times its budget). This was either inspiring evidence that human beings are united in their archetypal affection for tales of love and courage, or depressing evidence that Hollywood values had culturally colonised the planet.

Has the ensuing decade changed anything? Consider these lists:

The most successful movies of all time in Australia: 1 Titanic; 2 Shrek 2; 3 Return of the King; 4 Crocodile Dundee; 5 Fellowship of the Ring; 6 Two Towers; 7 Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone; 8 SW1: The Phantom Menace; 9 Pirates of the Caribbean 2; 10 Finding Nemo; 11 Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets; 12 Babe. (For more detail, go to The films we loved)

The most successful movies of all time in America: 1 Titanic; 2 Star Wars 4: A New Hope (the original); 3 Shrek 2; 4 E. T.; 5 SW1: The Phantom Menace; 6 Pirate of the Caribbean 2; 7 Spider-Man; 8 SW3: Revenge of the Sith; 9 Return of the King; 10 Spider-Man 2; 11 Passion of the Christ; 12 Jurassic Park.

The most successful movies of all time in the world (excluding America): 1 Titanic; 2 Return of The King; 3 Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone; 4 Pirates of the Caribbean 3; 5 Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix; 6 Pirates of the Caribbean 2; 7 Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets; 8 Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire; 9 The Two Towers; 10 Jurassic Park; 11 Spider-Man 3; 12 Fellowship of the Ring.

A few conclusions we might draw from this:

 We should stop beating up on ourselves about the cultural cringe. Two of our 12 all time moneymakers are Australian-made. We value our own stories, or at least we did, back when cinema was a more dominant medium. (To learn how Australian movies perform these days, go to The cinema struggle.)

 We have not been entirely Coca-Colonised. In our movie choices we are more like the rest of the world than we are like America. The Americans insist on hearing their own accent-- only three of their 12 favourites are pronounced differently (two in British accents and one in Aramaic and Latin, when religious fundamentalism overruled xenophobia). Eight of our favourites are non-American and nine of the world's favourites are non-American.

 There's a strong case after all for making part two of The Golden Compass. Its budget was $A220 million. In America it was a flop, making just $90 million (most of its accents are British and it was publicised as anti-religious). In the rest of the world it was a hit, making $320m (of which $15m came from Australia). It has not finished its run yet but already it's the number 75 biggest moneymaker of all time outside America, ahead of Passion of the Christ (which is number 90).

The Golden Compass ended with a cliffhanger. The plotlines begun there can't be resolved without American money. Can Hollywood rise above xenophobia and fundamentalism and lift the world off the edge?

• by David Dale at 05:28 PM
• Comments (31)

WHO WE ARE: How to be suitable

To learn how Australians are different from Americans, go to The Tribal Mind
To join our daily forum about television, bookmark http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare
To learn how Australians talk, go to Head like a chewed Mintie.

A column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 3/2/2008
Most people who live in this country can go for years without talking about Don Bradman, Walter Lindrum or Hubert Opperman. But if a new citizen doesn't know which of them was a cricketer and which was a pool shark, he or she is likely to become a social leper and an unemployable burden on the economy.

That apparently, is the view of Kevin Rudd, who last week put the kibosh on a plan by his immigration minister, Chris Evans, to give the flick to the Bradman question which may appear in the values test taken by applicants for Australian citizenship. Senator Evans thinks "sporting trivia" is not "critical knowledge" for functioning effectively in this society. His boss thinks it is.

Last year this column spent some time ridiculing the values test and the study booklet which accompanies it, and I was delighted last week at the possibility that the new government might modernise it. I hope the PM does not feel the need to intervene to protect every last vestige of Howard memorabilia.

But it's time I stopped ridiculing and started helping. I hereby submit a set of questions designed to test if you have the essential data for survival in Australia. If you don't get at least 15 of these right, you might as well go back to where you came from ...
1. Define these expressions: "put the kibosh on"; "give the flick to"; "chuck a wobbly"; "back of woopwoop"; "like a dunny door"; "tummy wog".

2. What percentage of Australia's residents are: Muslims; Catholics; of Aboriginal background; obese or overweight; homeless; living within 50 km of the sea.

3. What are the five movies seen by the greatest number of Australians alive today?

4. What are the five TV series seen by the greatest number of Australians alive today?

5. How many times a year does the average Australian say he or she has intercourse?

6. What's an Australian man's idea of foreplay?

7. How many abortions are performed each year in Australia's hospitals and clinics?

8. How much does the average Australian family have as spending money each week, after tax? How much does the average family owe on credit cards? What is the average Australian family, anyway?

9. Rank these sports in order of popularity, as measured by attendances at games and audiences on TV: soccer, tennis, rugby union, AFL, racing, rugby league, swimming.

10. Rank these causes of death in order of frequency: Diabetes; heart disease; strokes; cancer; accidents.

11. What percentage of adults say they agree with the statement "Immigrants make Australia open to new ideas and cultures"?

12. Explain the difference between the cultural cringe and the cultural strut.

13. What is the national footwear, dish, drink, condiment, and greeting?

14. What was the highest fee per minute ever paid to an actor (world record held by an Australian)?

15. Of the 40 top selling products in Australian supermarkets, which two are made in Australia by an Australian owned company?

16. Name the inventer of: The Chiko Roll; Vegemite; the Magic Pudding; Grange Hermitage; the Paddle Pop.

17. What happened to: Azaria Chamberlain; Harold Holt; Schappelle Corby?

18. What do we commemorate on April 25; June 13; first Tuesday in November; November 11?

19. What do we have to share with those who've come from across the seas?

20. What do these men have in common: Peter Doherty; Patrick White; Barry Marshall; Howard Florey?

We'll attempt explanations in The answers. But feel free to give them a try here, and to suggest other revealing questions.

• by David Dale at 04:16 PM
• Comments (51)

The Ratings Race: Week 7

This week of the blog is now history. To discuss the latest on Australian media, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
To learn why State governments should be abolished, go to The next big thing.
To learn which magazines Australians like best, go to The Tribal Mind

David Dale's daily media report, updated 10 am Saturday
You may care to picture the shark in this picture as Channel Nine, which presumably makes the blue fish Channel Seven and the orange fish Channel Ten. Seven tried to pull itself out of a hole on Saturday by showing one of Australia's all time favourite movies, Finding Nemo, but that failed to stop Nine winning the first week of ratings -- thanks to Ten's skill in pulling younger viewers from Seven to watch dancing and Nine's ability to pull older viewers to watch cricket.

Shark topped the week with a prime time average of 28.7 per cent of the audience, while blue was on 27.2, orange on 22.5, ABC on 16.4 and SBS on 5.3. You'd have to think SBS made a mistake in moving Mythbusters to Saturdays, where it is drawing 400,000 fewer viewers than its Monday appearances last year.