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The Tribal Mind: Finally, your chance to fix everything
To offer your recipe for Australia's National Dish, go to Who We Are.
by David Dale
Stop your bitching and moaning about the dire state of commercial television, and address yourself to this challenge: If you had to program a new channel, what kind of shows would you put on?
That's Channel Seven's dilemma at the moment, as it realises that Channel Nine's second station, called GO, is distracting enough viewers from Seven to give Nine the biggest audience share for the week. Seven needs to retaliate with its own station that will pull viewers from other networks without cannibalising Seven's existing fan base. But this requires a leap of the imagination that has so far eluded most Australian network moguls.
We're here to help. This column's readers have proved themselves to be both imaginative and generous, and we know they will jump at the chance to be Programming God For A Day. This column hereby launches the "Lets Create The Perfect Channel" project -- no idea too outlandish.
Seven has given no hint about the content or even the timing of its planned new station. We know it won't be sport, because Ten has done that with ONE; it won't be nostalgia, because Nine does that with GO!; and it won't be 48-hours-later replays, because nobody needs that. Four rumours flourish:
An all movie channel Seven has few deals in place with US movie studios, so it would need to buy rights from other networks to avoid excessive repetition of such stockpiled items as Pretty Woman, True Lies, Jurassic Park, Mrs Doubtfire, Four Weddings and a Funeral and Finding Nemo. But don't let budgetary issues limit you. Tell us which movies you'd put in high rotation on your new channel.
An all comedy channel Seven is better endowed for this option - it owns such classics as Fast Forward, Fawlty Towers, The Naked Vicar Show, Kath and Kim, Acropolis Now, Will and Grace, The Norman Gunston Show and Hey Dad, plus American quirk it has shown late at night, such as 30 Rock, Family Guy, My Name is Earl, Ugly Betty, American Dad and Scrubs, plus recent failures such as TV Burp and Doubletake. What laughmakers would you add?
An all crime channel Again, Seven is well endowed with ancient treasures. It may not have the CSI, NCIS or Law and Order franchises, but it has 12 years of Homicide and Blue Heelers, Cop Shop, Jack The Ripper, Heartbeat, JAG, Australia's Most Wanted, and, most recently Criminal Minds, 24, Bones and City Homicide. Where might you source more mayhem?
An all Aussie channel Did we mention 12 years of Homicide and Blue Heelers? And these icons showed on Seven: A Country Practice, All Saints, Against The Wind, Home and Away, Skyways, Kingswood Country, A Town Like Alice, Sons and Daughters, All The Rivers Run and Always Greener. What else would pull in the patriots?
Perhaps there's a new approach nobody has thought of yet -- all-soap, all-miniseries, all-medicine, all-lifestyle, all-Lotto, all-dancing, all-Mel-and-Kochie? If anyone can do this kind of lateral thinking, you can. In addition to the satisfaction of setting Australian popular culture to rights, the most creative suggestions will win the last unremaindered copies of this column's small book called Who We Are - A snapshot of Australia today.
To offer your solution, go to Comments. Seven will be soooo grateful.
David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). For daily updates on Australian attitudes, bookmark blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
COMMENTS
Unless 7 can stitch-up a magnanimous deal with WIN-TV, the chances of a 7 Oz Renaissance channel are pretty slim as Bruce Gordon owns the Crawford library (Sullivans were on 9). But lots of my clients say they'd love to see the old Crawford shows again so who knows? How about a 24 hour Universal Horror Channel? Non-stop classic Frankenstein, Dracula, Wolfman, Invisible Man, Mummy, Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi, Lon Chaney Sr & Jr, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon . . . . STOP LAUGHING, THIS IS SERIOUS!!!!
- by d@gp on September 18, 2009 at 02:47 PM
'24 Hour Koch' channel. David Koch attaches a camera to his head and viewers can follow his exciting life as a 4th-rate celebrity.
- by newtaste on September 19, 2009 at 12:10 AM
How will Ch 7's evil twin programme? If GO!111!1OMGWTF11!1 can bring back I Dream of Jeannie & Bewitched, then I suggest that POW!111!1OMGWTF11!1 (which is what I will call the evil twin for this instance) will drag up some golden oldies as well. There'll be Classics like Welcome Back Kotter, Good Times, Golden Girls etc. Endless repeats of Scrubs (not that I'll mind).
Rinse. Lather. Repeat. Whatever GO! does, POW! will do as well.
- by Bereft Skerrick on September 19, 2009 at 05:33 AM
A channel dedicated to all the shows that have been Yasmined over the years, and yes, lets include Yasmine ..... They would have to buy the smuldering remains of the shows from other networks, but considering they are all dead and never to see the time of day, should get them cheep.
Possible lineup could include,
- Hole In The Wall
- Doug Mulray
- Big Brother
- Man O Man
- Australian Princess
- Joey
Soon to be added in 2010
- Spearman Experiment
- 7pm Project
- Australian Idol
and my other idea,
Buy Nine's 20 to 1, play it 24 hours a day, re-badge it 2000 to 1, & chain Bert Newton to the studio floor with only 3 meals a day from Patty.
Its part infotainment, part reality tv (Survivor) and part celebrity master chef ....
- by Matt on September 19, 2009 at 05:35 AM
Re the perfect TV station for Seven2, TM, you said "let your imagination run riot", so, after making a new connection in my synapses between the words 'imagination' and Seven', how about News that reports the news and doesn't wallow in Celebrity minutae as if it matters at all, and doesn't sensationalise every little thing that happens making people afraid to cross the road in case they're picked up for jay walking or fill their jerry cans at service stations in case they're suddenly incinerated or to have a notorious invalid paedophile living in their neighbourhood as if they have some sort of magical sinister power over kids that can't be combatted simply by teaching your kids to not talk to strangers? How about that?
How about interesting movies that don't star the following individuals: Reese Witherspoon (except 'Walk the Line'), Sandra Bullock, Ashton Kutcher, Hugh Grant.... actually anyone called Hugh, Meg Ryan....I could go on but how about just show good movies not 'Feel-good' shit catered to signed-up and glassy-eyed 'Sunrise' fans?
How about showing a series (any series) through an entire season in a single timeslot without skipping an episode or doubling up (a 'movie-length special event') or fast-tracking? Just show a goddamn series and f##king leave it alone?
I think I've entered the realm of total improbability and I don't think this is what you meant as an answer to your question but I'm royally peeved and if I see one more story about Patrick Swayze showing scenes from 'Ghost' and with 'She's Like The Wind' as a soundtarck I think I'll go up to the clocktower with a....one of those shooty things...what're they called?
The perfect TV station for Seven2 would be one run by the ABC.
- by darren on September 19, 2009 at 05:38 AM
Re Channel 7 2nd channel, given the success of Go running old repeats and the success of the mystery/crime genre, what about old mystery/crime/cop shows. Given how well Midsomer rates, there is obviously an audience for low violence and not that graphic mystery. You could have Ironside, The Professionals, The Saint, even some of the old Australian cop shows, Homicide etc.
- by louise on September 19, 2009 at 05:39 AM
Seven2 should become the commercial equivalent of the sci-fi channel. Show sci-fi programs and movies 24/7. Nerd heaven!
But I am sure they will do a Nine and dig up everything from the back of the closet, dust it off and shove it in the ole JVC player and hit play. Rubbish, rubbish and more rubbish I'm sure. Oh, and probably have their own version of 20-1/Spearman hosted by Kochie and Mel. Kochie's 20 to 1 favorite jokes! I can see it now..............I think I need a good lie down!
- by em on September 19, 2009 at 05:44 AM
"...The perfect TV station for Seven2 would be one run by the ABC..." by darren.
Just the thought is delicious, The ABC with a Ch7 budget.
- by tgo on September 19, 2009 at 05:45 AM
Homicide! Divison 4! Bring back the men in the brown suits!
Tribal Mind remarks: On my set the suits were grey.
- by bereft Skerrick on September 19, 2009 at 05:47 AM
My suggestion for 7beta is that they should screen heaps of the old Aussie shows that 7alpha screened in the past to fill up the daytime and late night slots. There's not enough Aussie content on Go! 7beta has so much to choose from with Skyways, Cop Shop, Sons and Daughters, Glenview High, Young Ramsay, A Country Practice, Blue Heelers, All Saints, Home and Away, Rafferty's Rules, Homicide, Hey Dad!, Acropolis Now, Daily at Dawn, Kingswood Country. Don't forget HeadLand which 7alpha never actually completed. Here's a chance to run the whole series as an afternoon soapie.
Tribal Mind remarks: I've moved this and other suggestions for 7beta from the daily forum, so they will be eligible for the fabulous prizes.
- by J Bar on September 19, 2009 at 05:48 AM
Repeats in the column????? Dejavu.
Tribal Mind replies: If it's good enough for Channel Nine ...
- by d&gp on September 19, 2009 at 06:25 AM
Why not an all music radio channel � perhaps have video streaming from an existing radio station (does Ch7 own one?) Have much the same format as already exists on radio � but lets see the DJ, music videos, newsreaders adverts, outside broadcasts with school kids, interviews etc. BUT PLEASE NO TALKBACK.
- by Rob Downie on September 19, 2009 at 07:36 AM
A channel devoted to short shows where nothing is longer than 1hr.
I don't care if its Travel, documentary, motoring, gardening etc, but please no more crime series like NCSI... there's way too much already!
There's plenty of material like - American Chopper etc
Another idea is to have a series marathon channel. All you do is start at season 1, episode 1 and run them continuosly until the end... Seinfield all day long.
- by mark on September 19, 2009 at 08:49 AM
There have been literally hundreds of TV pilot episodes and shows cut short made in the US. Surely the US networks aren't so flush that they'd knock back a few dollars to screen something on the other side of the world where few Americans would see it and harm their reputations. With a bit of imagination, Seven could find ways of helping the water cooler chat about whether a series should have been made or continued and get people watching to see what other ideas were cut short. Oh and screen the shows twice so everyone can see them (and fill that programming void at the same time).
- by Yuri on September 19, 2009 at 09:27 AM
How about a 'day ' for each day of the week - Sunday could be Movie Day, Monday Comedy Day, Tuesday Crime Day, a lifestyle day, miniseries day etc.
There are not enough movies on these days - it used to be that you could rely on a choice of films on a Sunday evening. There could be a Johnny Depp 'season' (ie a Depp movie every Sunday for 5 weeks), Meryl Streep season, Cary Grant season, George Clooney, Julia Roberts etc.
We could have a Monty Python season, British comedy revisited, Australian comedy revisited, etc.
The possibilities are endless and it's such a great opportunity for Channel 7 to give us a new approach.
I think the idea of an all anything channel would be far too narrow and short-sighted, leading to monotony and mass boredom
- by Garibaldi on September 19, 2009 at 10:13 AM
A suggestion for Seven2 could be old movies, including black and white, westerns, Shirley Temple? There seems to be a severe lack of these days.
- by Kathryn on September 19, 2009 at 11:19 AM
I would like to see a channel airing all the series from the American cable channels (HBO, Showtime etc...). Would be great to see shows like True Blood, Dexter, Breaking Bad, Nurse Jackie, Californication, Big Love etc... on free to air in a reasonable timeslot.
- by Billy on September 19, 2009 at 11:56 AM
>>the words 'imagination' and Seven'
Imagine these two things:
1. Make the current Seven digital signal work (not the HD channel - I don't have one).
2. What about a different theme each day? (Maybe comedy for two days).
..synapses fuse..
- by Bruce White on September 19, 2009 at 02:50 PM
Just buy the rights to HBO and use their awesome lineup. About time Real Time with Bill Maher got shown here
- by Geoff on September 19, 2009 at 06:48 PM
How about All-Ontime?
...the channel where programs actually start at the advertised time. That'd be a ripper.
- by Nick on September 19, 2009 at 07:33 PM
I'd love an all soap channel. My secret indulgence is the Y&R marathon on W every Sat morning. Housewives all over the land wouldn't get anything done!
- by Amy on September 19, 2009 at 07:52 PM
TM: The Men in the Brown Suits was an old D Generation joke. So much so that when actors from the show (can't remember if it was Division 4 or Homicide) appeared at The Logies the next year reference was made to it.
- by Bereft Skerrick on September 19, 2009 at 08:00 PM
Two options:
Repeat what was on the main Channel two (or one) hour before hand - effectively copying what pay TV has (call it �Channel 7+2� or �72�).
Otherwise, How about a mixed channel that shows mini-marathons (say 5 eps each tv series) with a separate theme each Day.
Mon Comedy Greats
Tues Makeover shows
Wed Lifestyle (Better Homes & Gardens, etc)
Thurs Law Shows (Boston Legal, Homicide, Rafferty's Rules)
Fri Sci-fi
Sat & Sun Day Encore presentations of Major shows the previous week from Main Ch 7
In the Evenings on Fri, Sat & Sun Night Movies over 5-10 years old and on weeknights repeat what was on TV earlier in the day
- by James Hayes-Williams on September 19, 2009 at 10:45 PM
A Moose Channel. This would include all episodes of Sports World hosted by Rex Mossop, Controversy Corner included featuring Ferris Ashton. Also the replays of Sunday night's "League Match of the Day" with Rex's expert commentary supported by the great Barry Ross " There are streamers on the field, Rex". Footage of Rex's attempt at a citizen's arrest of a nude bather at Shelly Beach. Any interviews of Rex. Also Beauty and the Beast, featuring Rex Mossop as host. Now as the man still lives, give him his own new show to comment on sport, news, nudity, etc. Readings of the court case where the judge showed pity towards Rex's son for having an "overbearing father". If there's still space fill it with Moose documentaries from Canada and episodes of Rocky and Bullwinkle!
- by Mark on September 20, 2009 at 08:47 AM
Many years ago, when I was much younger, I think it was on Ten, the network employed a lady for late night theme nights and her stage name was Vampira. I guess I don't need to say what the theme was, but she had long black hair, long flowing gown, very well developed in the breast department and very, very cheeky, very suggestive and good fun.
It really worked well and because it was on weekly, late Friday or Saturday night (I forgot which), it attracted an audience. I could well imagine a latter day Vampira in the persona of someone like Georgie Parker, in other words someone who has a real rather than manufactured personality, quickly building up an audience provided she can ham it up and gets supported by regularly scheduled personalities with similar skills.
There is no reason why most nights couldn't be theme nights with various "hosts" tying the shows together, making light-hearted comments about them, anything from how bad they are to whatever.
Simply put, bring back some real entertainment and the viewers will turn on. I think currently, with most shows on TV, people turn the thing on mainly for background noise as entertainment has been lacking for far too long and this is reflected by the simple fact that while most people have TV sets in the house, ratings indicate that generally less than one in four have their TV sets on any night at a given time. And that's not because they are out at the footy, the cinema or seeing a show, they are doing something else at home or with friends.
- by Zjonn on September 20, 2009 at 02:36 PM
A channel where programs actually start at the advertised time. I love that idea Nick. If only we had laws like they do in America and Britain that forced the networks to run shows on time. If they run over then they get fined. based on the current efforts, that would be a money spinner for the Federal Government.
- by J Bar on September 20, 2009 at 04:15 PM
If they have any sense of self preservation, they will do something that involves user made content. That seems to be where the future is going. Kind of like youtube, but on a slightly larger scale. Not short clips, but actual programs. There are loads and loads of people out there making amateur or semi-professional films and documentaries etc. Give them a place to air these. Allow viewers to vote on what they like.
It could really start something. Who knows what new and fresh ideas they could unearth?
- by DragonLass on September 20, 2009 at 10:51 PM
It's the perfect opportunity for Seven to develop a properly rounded personality. They've got the stepford wife animal loving hillsong devotee happy clappy braindead mouthbreather demographic covered now how about some darkness with all that yellow yellow light? Some Hyde for all that Jekyll?
Mel and Kochie and Nat and Mon and Brownie and Sam and Beretts and Rosco could breed and populate Seven with more of their undead obligatorily nicknamed kind and keep broadcasting nonoffensive bland nothingness to all their cult members.
Seven 2 could try broadcasting television for humans.
- by darren on September 21, 2009 at 08:42 AM
Movies for me. I wouldn't watch an Aussie tv nostalgia channel at all. Only stuff I watch on GO is Seinfeld repeats and the movies. Excalibur coming up on Friday night - I'll give that another look.
As for what movies to put on rotation - why don't they buy a copy of "1001 movies you must see before you die" and start at #1...
- by Wendell on September 21, 2009 at 12:07 PM
Zjonn, you're thinking of Elvira who was a US horror film host who was screened here. Pay TV did something similar - it was either Arena or Nick at Night - with a hot chick with a great sense of humour who claimed to live in the Blue Mountains. I wouldn't mind seeing the local version again.
- by Yuri on September 21, 2009 at 02:14 PM
I don't know what they should screen, although I like the idea of Aussie classics, but I hope they call their new channels something silly like 7Too, 7Free, 7For etc
- by Bazza and Shazza on September 21, 2009 at 05:37 PM
Another suggestion is a little bit of everything - This is Australia.
Everything Australian (or with the subject matter of Australia) is plundered from the archives and shown in its relevant time-scale time block. For example:
Aboriginal settlement and European discovery
Convict Days
Gold Rush Days
Early 20th Century
War and Depression
1950s/1960s/1970s/1980s/1990
2000s
"Beyond 2000" - so they can resurrect that old series.
The link can be obvious or tenuous, it's up to the programmers. If some time slots might be slim, that's when you get NEW programming in Big 7 "celebrities" to provide info on that period in history. Hear Kochie talk about the economic circumstances leading to the Great Depression! Watch Home and Away starlets re-enact the crossing of the Blue Mountains! See Pixie-Ann Wheatley interview the Don! Watch Norman Gunston on the steps of Parliament House on 11 November 1975 (oops - that's real!)
And have All Aussie Adventures as the theme tune.
... I hope my "themed days" is eligible from the Daily Blog TM, although it didn't get migrated.
Anyway, in addition, I'd like to see 7& have a 24 marathon. You'd start Series 1 at whatever time the first series started (eg 7:00 am) and then do it in 24 straight hours. Then move on to Series 2 and repeat until the whole damn lot is done. I remember one of the Pay TV channels did it for the first series.
- by Ozpuck on September 22, 2009 at 01:25 PM
Looks like the new channel is going to be simply known as 72. Not even 7two or 7too.
- by J Bar on September 25, 2009 at 01:59 PM
Channel Seven should create a unique channel for its new digital station by aiming not at a class demographic or an age group, but at those of a single year of age, namely SEVENty. Think of it, endless cheap repeats of "Gardening Australia', "Midsomer Murders" and "The Two Ronnies", with no interruptions for anything pitched at those who weren't born in 1939 (so "Foyle's War" would not be suitable). Every show would be captioned for the hard of hearing and the station would shut down at 8.30 pm (with a test pattern for the nostalgic insomniacs). Roger Climpson would read the news and Rex Mossop cover the sport. Old tapes of B. A Santamaria could throw light on Liberal Party leadership issues. (If these are unavailable, I'm sure Wilson Tuckey could deputise.) If successful, SEVENty could even generate a sister channel screening only in black and white. (Or, God forbid, a channel for those born in 1992, SEVENteen... although I think we have more than 17 such channels now.)
- by richard clarke on October 06, 2009 at 12:20 PM
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TM, where is the fun in that?? There is NO fun in putting up suggestions and opinions, its only in bagging the crappy ones they make :) That said, I hope they dont go for the nostalga path. Things like Kingswood Country and Hey Dad make my skin crawl just thinking about them. They were a product of their time and thankfully that time has well and truely passed. Given todays ultra sensibilities, you certainly couldnt have Ted bagging 'The Wog". Somebody made a post in another thread, there are plenty of material being produced from all over the world, I wouldnt think it too hard to source some additional material to fill their second channel, unless the crap we are currently having inflicted upon us is the pinnacle of English speaking television, in which case we are in real trouble. Wasnt there a Bruce Springsteen track - 57 Channels and there is nothing on - what must he have been subjected to when we are saying the same thing with 10.