The Sun-Herald

Just some tips of the trade from an ex-restaurant owner in North Qld, who knows.
Ring ahead if you can't keep your booking;
give the guys a break. Ring if you're late.
Don't be ignorant. It's rude to your own party to be very late anyhow. No class.
You've had a blue before coming out (and they usually do as he stupidly commented on her hair/dress or whatever and she burrs up. Don't lash out at the first targets you see, the poor staff.
Don't shout into your damn phone; the technology does not require it. Put your blasted hand over the thing when gibbering. Or leave the abomination at home if you got one.
Leave the staff a fair tip if you enjoyed it -it won't kill you - and shout the chef a beer for God's sake. He's doing his best.
Don't order the Fisherman's Basket or Seafood Platter. It's all the old crap and cut-offs that does not present too good and must be battered for camoflague.
Don't have the Mornay or such - it's
squashed or iffy stuff (but not "off") which must be disguised. Butterfly garlic prawns etc should also be allowed to flutter off elsewhere or treated with caution.
Don't give El Cooko the pings by ordered, only silly
Be smart and request your hot meal on a hot plate so it's not cold half way thru your meal. Very uncivilized to get a hot fish or steak on a cold plate - but they do.
Don't get half pissed and make eyes at the other guy's chick at the next table.
She'll play until she's sprung and then blame you. Then it's the Marx Brothers.
Don't bring your kids to a nice place. Lock em in the bathroom at home with the cat.
They're sub-human with rubber brains - like Tiddles. Maccas for mindless midgets.
Don't talk with your mouth full, or rave on waving a forkload of nosh in the air.
Basic manners. Get a book on it if you can read, or watch your betters anyway if not.
Don't go out with idiots who want to count what they did or didn't have when the bill arrives. You wanna scrimp - don't come. Bludgers will work thru the lot it's true.
But, decide if singles should pay the same as couples especially if the girls have stupidly expensive drinks. Otherwise you will be all rolling around on the floor in a drunken melee swinging breadsticks at each other. Un-nice look.
Avoid the bar peanuts as 63% will be urine-impregnated by piggys who have not washed their fiddling trotters. Fact.
Do not ask the waiter for his opinion as he will try to move the old sh-t. Plus diss you.
If he overly ingratiates himself "my name is Rodney" etc,- ask him if would be interested in a threesome with the surprise being as to whose team he would be batting for. He'll get busy elsewhere.
Don't skoff off half the meal and then complain and want jack up on paying.
Don't bring the grub in the matchbox to plant in the salad.
Expect in so-so joints they will bodgy up the wrong fish than what you ordered.
Most customers wouldn't have clue about what fish they were eating and are easy prey for substitution. Aussies are hopless.
Try to avoid rip-off joints which charge $6 for some greens or mashed spud. Thieves.
You want art go to a Gallery.
Other than that most mid-range restaurants that cultivate return visits do their best to put on a good meal with not stingy portions, with nice ambience.
Avoid places without sound absorbing soft furnishings - carpet/curtains. Hard floors and walls have everyone screeching at each other like galahs in a cage. Horrible.
Avoid venues with live music of any form as some amplified goose takes over your conversation with self-indulgent crap. I hate musos. Most of them failed kindergarten, and are pains in the butt.
If you're in a big group the house will load up a few bottles of plonk as no-one really follows what the hell they ordered. Joy.
Never trust the joint to control money plonked on the bar. No, no, no.
Do not always believe food writers - they often bludge freebies and get stroppy when not indulged. Plus they're wankers.
I prided myself in never,ever, substituting cheaper fish in my very successful seafood restaurant. You got what you paid for. And if you were nice you got a complimentary liquor. I'm not all bad.
I didn't even poison politicians when I could have, more's the pity.
You'd definitely have to mornay them, that's fer sure!
Where's me bloody tip? Oi?
Doesn't matter, I'm going into Organ Transplants - no bodgy bits! Well ....we'll do our best wiff wot's in season.
Only have to please half the customers come to fink of it. I'm thinkin a nice quartet in the theatre - for ambience ....
with an organ.

• by john allen on November 09, 2008 at 04:55 PM

Yuri, grow up. We just like dissing Canberra.

• by Fun Poker on November 16, 2008 at 10:30 PM