The Sun-Herald

WHO WE ARE: In the eye of the beholder

One of the great mysteries of modern diplomacy is who told the President of East Timor, Jose Ramos Horta, that Amanda Vanstone looked like Nicole Kidman.

To learn why New Zealand should become part of Australia, go to Younger, sexier, smarter.

A column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald 17/10/2008
One of the great mysteries of modern diplomacy is who told the President of East Timor, Jose Ramos Horta, that Amanda Vanstone looked like Nicole Kidman. It's such a breathtaking proposition that it causes us to see politicians in a whole new way, and opens up today's topic: who are Australia's sexiest politicians and who should play them in the movies?

In an interview with Andrew Denton on the ABC, President Ramos Horta recalled that a couple of years back he'd sought advice on how to suggest a guest worker scheme to Immigration Minister Vanstone, whom he had never met. Someone told him: "Invite her for dinner -- she looks like Nicole Kidman."

Ramos Horta continued: "So I wrote to her, a diplomatic letter but with some hints of romance, meaning I was very warm towards her ... I was a total failure in trying to seduce Amanda Vanstone, she was not terribly impressed.''

So where did the Kidman-Vanstone comparison come from? My theory is the mysterious adviser had fallen under the spell that afflicted Jack Black in the movie Shallow Hal. The magic allows Black to see the inner beauty in everyone, so when he looks at a woman of substantial proportions, he sees Gwyneth Paltrow.

Lets put ourselves under the same spell and cast an eye over the parliaments of Australia. Here's my first attempt.

Australia's sexiest politicians and their inner stars
If Nicole Kidman is Amanda Vanstone, then ...
Tom Cruise is Brendan Nelson -- although he could also be Malcolm Turnbull, unless ...
Russell Crowe is Malcolm Turnbull.
Cate Blanchett is Julia Gillard -- although, having successfully played Bob Dylan, she could be Peter Costello.
Brad Pitt is Kevin Rudd.
Abbie Cornish is Tanya Plibersek (see below).
Vince Colosimo is Morris Iemma.
Helen Mirren is Bronwyn Bishop.
Ralph Fiennes is Paul Keating.
Cornelia Frances is Julie Bishop.
Bruce Willis is Peter Garrett.
Meryl Streep is Maxine McKew.
Hugh Jackman is Wayne Swan.
K. D. Lang is Penny Wong.
Hugo Weaving is Bob Brown.
Morgan Freeman is John Howard.

You see how it works. Just look for the inner beauty.

I had the most trouble with Belinda Neal, whose biopic would be titled The Iguana Intervention. Lindsay Lohan? Noni Hazlehurst? And then I realised I had to go back to the movie that inspired this whole thing. Of course -- Belinda Neal is Gwyneth Paltrow.

To nominate Australia's sexiest politicians and their true star selves, go to Comments

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). To discuss Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.