WHO WE ARE: Miserable without us

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Who We Are

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A column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 13/7/2008
If Australia didn't exist, what would the British have to look up to? With no daily doses of Neighbours and Home and Away, there'd be no role models of prosperous middle class life in sunny houses inhabited by glowing young people with straight white teeth. The British would have to import Canadian soaps, which would fail utterly to lift them out of their damp squalid lives.

That was how several readers responded to this column's invitation last week to speculate on what the world would be like if there had never been a country called Australia. Other readers condemned it as an exercise in vanity. As Michael McGrath observed: "What unbelievable arrogance to think that Australia counts for much of anything. Once again we have a much higher vision of our own self importance. With only 20 million people we think we can push the major economies around. Lets get real."

national plate Peter B countered with praise for "Australia's attachment to the 'Fair go'. This has had a dramatic effect on politics around the world. The secret ballot developed in South Australia and Victoria is still called the "Australian ballot" in the USA. We also, along with NZ, were the first to emancipate women and give them the vote. Compulsory, preferential voting, the Electoral Commission, the Hare-Clarke multi-seat voting system are all major factors in keeping our democracy strong and responsible."

Alex agreed that "Yes, the world may not miss us, but what they will miss is a good 50 year (if not greater) time lag in technology that we would have invented. Think about it, if we didn't exist, there'd be no fridge to bung our food in, no esky to replace the non-existent fridge, no penicillin to cure our ailments, no lifesavers to pull us out of the water and most importantly no cold beer/Sunday BBQ. All this won't evolve until some smart pup from New Zealand decides that there is more to life than sitting watching the sheep! And that may take some time ..."

Other readers took the game less seriously. Spike pointed out that "the map of Tassie would have to be described by other more vulgar names". Robert suggested: "London's pubs would be shut for want of staff. Chinese and Japanese industry would shut for want of iron and coal. Cricket would be a game known for its civility and good sportsmanship. The US would set off alone on its next pointless military campaign."

Colin (living in the US) said: "The World would be a much sadder place without Australia. No visiting the best harbour in the world. No more cracking road trips with a hire car cutting across the deserted red desert. No more of the best pies in the world. No more stunning desert night skies. No bushtucker man. No more of some of the best rock music in the World."

A reader who wished to be known as "Marakesh" said "Most countries in the world would have to find another tree to plant in their millions; the worlds landscape would be vastly different without Australia's greatest export, the GUM TREE. There is hardly a country in the world which hasn't taken to the eucalypt. In fact in some countries, it is now the dominant species. Brazil, China, Madagascar, South Africa all produce more eucalypt timber than Australia!!"

Ross added "A Prime Minister who held the world beer sculling record for many years. That's something to be proud of." Bigbill speculated that "Pavlova would still exist, but it would be known as 'thut dusurt wuth thuh cream in thuh muddle, 'ay'."

And the alarming notion "No Rolf Harris! The entire UK would go barmy for lack of entertainment!" came from "Timey Kangaroo-Downsport", while Penny Auburn reminded us that "An Aussie invented the ring pull can ... it doesn't get much more important than that. Just think of all the time we don't have to waste on can openers."

Perhaps, but there must be more. If you can think of them, join the discussion at Comments

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). To discuss Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

COMMENTS

Have to agree that Australia is the home to the world's greatest inventions. So the Scandinavians invented such medicore items as the mobile phone and computer mouse. We can be proud of such high tecnology items such as the wine cask, ring-pull beer can, rotary lawnmower, Hill's Hoist, beer can six-pack, not to mention the esky.
And if without the legendary Ute, what would bogans use to perform circle work in the pub carpark on a Friday night?

by Phil on July 13, 2008 at 01:05 AM

The English would be lost. Nowhere to migrate to and noone to beat them at cricket.

by Mary on July 13, 2008 at 01:09 AM

I think they would live. There is a South African channel over here for the saffas and the hottest tv show in town is done by kiwis. We are just part of the mix.

by Matt on July 13, 2008 at 01:23 AM

Don't get me wrong, I am proud to be an Aussie (esp. one living in the UK!) It is a shame that the finanical industry in OZ is not examined and promoted with the same 'uniqueness' but that of a miopic community that prefers local experience to that of international experience. When will this change - or are they happy to stick their heads in the sand?
PS the person who has written this article obviously has not been to London recently, most bars are stocked with Eastern Europeans rather than the trusty Aussie bartender..

by sb on July 13, 2008 at 01:53 AM

No aussie soaps on British tv, wouldn't that be a positive thing?
with no children in the UK affecting the rising intonation accent where every statement uttered seems to be a question.

by mark jemmett on July 13, 2008 at 03:51 AM

As Australians, aren't you embarrassed at the responses? if there was no Australia, there'd be only the Scots obsessed with the English... that's all.
Now imagine, if you will, an article about what the world would look like if there'd never been an England. And the subsequent contributory comments, oh the comments:)

by sloop on July 13, 2008 at 04:14 AM

As a No:1 fan of Australia, I have to ask who is deluding whom? We wouldn't have penicillin without Oz? I would love to ask Alexander Flemming about that one. No Rolf Harris, pavlova, ring-pull cans? Come off it Ozzie these aren't exactly earth-shattering by any means! A couple of very popular soaps doesn't make us dependant on your TV output I can assure you. There can be no doubting your sporting prowess, especially for a country with a relatively small population - congratulations and plaudits are due there. But as to the British falling to bits without Australia's contibutions? I don't think so. Perhaps if you were to examine where Australia would be without Britain's contribution - now that's a good 'un to ponder! We are at the opposite ends of the Earth, but not THAT divided that we can't realise our common strengths and weaknesses. All said and done, I finsh on 'Good on yer Ozzie! Long may you remain God's Country.'

by Corrie on July 13, 2008 at 05:20 AM

Whilst we're congratulating ourselves for introducing women's suffrage 'along with NZ' (actually 9 years after), perhaps we should remember that full voting rights for indigenous Australian women were not granted until 1962.

by lbaker on July 13, 2008 at 07:04 AM

"Who would Brits look up to?"
Loose the chip on the shoulder

by Stephen on July 13, 2008 at 07:05 AM

What a self-congratulatory mob we can be when we try. Perhaps time for a little reality.
ï¿½What would the British have to look up to?ï¿½ Seems more like the other way round to me. The day the Brits get so deferential to us that they have an Australian Head of State and include the southern cross in their national flag, be sure to let me know.
ï¿½Their [the Britsï¿½] damp squalid livesï¿½. Yeah, sure. Of the tens of thousands of young Australians who flock there to sample the dampness and squalor every year, many find it so appealing they never come home.
ï¿½Australiaï¿½s attachment to the fair goï¿½. Taken a bit of a battering in recent years, the old fair go, hasnï¿½t it? How about taking refugees whose only crime was to flee for their lives, hurling them in jail with their children, and accusing them of being terrorists, for example? Terrorists? Good grief, these people knew more about being terrorised than we will ever know. It mightnï¿½t have been so bad if most Aussies had stood up and protested about it, but most Australians made it quite clear they couldnï¿½t give a damn if refugee kids slowly went crazy behind razor wire in desert gulags, as long as the good times kept rolling. Fair go my backside.

DD remarks: It's fascinating that so many readers assumed I was serious about the soaps.

by Steve C on July 13, 2008 at 07:26 AM

In terms of penicillin, Alexander Fleming may have discovered it, but Sir John Cornforth (australian, nobel laureate in chemistry 1975) was the first to synthesis it, and thus prepare it synthetically, during WW2, research he carried out in the UK, in Oxford. So I guess both places 'earnt it'.

by matt on July 13, 2008 at 12:55 PM

Without Australia, there would be no Southern Hemisphere Decadence that the British represent in the Northern Hemisphere. Where would the wombat, emu, koala bear, taz, platypus and kangaroo live? Scotland"? Booooo!!! They would have already been BBQ'd on the spit with an apple sticking out of their mouths! Who would have billabongs? Germany? And Uluru? Located right in the middle of the Mojave, and Americans would be selling hot dogs and lemonade at the bottom of it. It would be worn down to 3 meters tall from all the Hummers being driven over it.
Someday, I will visit you and pay homage to the beauty that is Australia....when I can stand a 14 hour flight from the US. Maybe an Earthquake will knock you to Hawaii and It would just be 6 hours then!

by Mary from Houston, TX on July 13, 2008 at 01:08 PM

I lived in England for 3 years and I have to tell everyone, the brits don't care about Australia. It is too small and too far away. They think it is lovely but not really significant. I think we all think that we are way more important than what we are. Maybe it is small island syndrome?

by Melanie on July 13, 2008 at 02:57 PM

It's articles like this that deminish all things that are good about Australia. The moment we look back to mother England and say "Hey, Mom, validate me" we just roll our way back to our colonial past.
It's time to wake up and get that chip off our shoulder. Countries with self respect and self esteme don't need this sort of namby pamby crap.

by Dave on July 13, 2008 at 03:39 PM

Looks like poor Cory doesn't doesn't posess something us Aussies are well known for; A SENSE OF HUMOUR. IT'S A TOUNGUE IN CHEEK ARTICLE, MATE!

by Phil on July 13, 2008 at 05:20 PM

Most of the fellow British ex-pats I know in Australia, want this country to become a republic.
Aussies can sling off all they like about being superior to the Brits but it is time they cut the apron strings, grew up and stopped behaving like spoilt adoloscents

by Bill on July 13, 2008 at 05:24 PM

Read this along with 14 comments today and hope the publicity from your blog sells a few copies of your book. Doubt its obtainable in the UK but next time I am in Australia I will see if its in the remainder bins.

DD remarks: Sadly the blog has been discussing aspects of Australia for two years and hasn't sold a single copy of the book.

by Leaflet lil on July 13, 2008 at 05:46 PM

some of you above really need to come to australia to learn how not to take life too seriously.

sounds like the english summer is driving you all a bit batty...

no self-respect/esteem - ridiculous. we don't need validation from anyone. for a nation with such a short history (at least since mum reached our shores with their customary tact) we've done ok and yeah we're a pretty proud bunch - why wouldn't we be with the lifestyle we've got.

and melanie please stay in england...

by ricardo w on July 13, 2008 at 06:40 PM

Don't forget the wonderful efforts of Austalia at keeping rascism alive in the 21st century. that's something most Aussies seem to be proud of.

by Scott on July 13, 2008 at 06:45 PM

I am not surprised by to see this article. Australians are the most self important bunch of tossers I've ever met.All they are is a wannabe US without the culture or the originality.Australia could disappear in a gigantic earthquake and the world would probably not even notice for about a month. My point is nobody really cares about them apart from themselves and as for their soaps, who watches them anyway?

by Bee on July 13, 2008 at 07:14 PM

Sadly, the stereotypes are 10-15 years out of date. The Aussie soaps are tucked away on the 5th channel as a result of falling audience figures and production companies who priced themselves out of the market. The Aussie barman has been replaced by Eastern Europeans and Zimbabweans. And, to cap it all with barely two dollars to the pound and flights to Oz starting from eight hundred quid, we're going somewhere else for our holidays.
As much as we love our child (and we do), it's become too expensive.

by Coolamber on July 13, 2008 at 07:27 PM

Without Australia and its Uk immigrants the little island of the UK would be a lot more crowded with people. Then again the world would be a lot less crowded, in a world free from anti-biotics disease would have kept a lid on things. So the chances that those who are reading this now would be alive or in such good health, would be a lot less likely.

by Benno on July 13, 2008 at 07:33 PM

If Australia did not exist, perhaps a reasonable substitute could be fashioned from Texas.

by Mitch on July 14, 2008 at 12:00 AM

Just a quick correction to the article above. Colin (living in the US) is actually British and living in the UK. Funny you mention our damp Squalid lives. If you are referring to the wonderful UK climate then the following true story illustrates how bad it is. Some poor bloke in South Wales rang the Police up recently to report a silver round object in the sky, which was stationary above his house. Turned out to be the Moon. During this poor saps life the clouds must never have parted once before to reveal this celestial body. God help him if he ever sees the yellow circular object rumoured to be up there.
Lots of talk of chips on shoulders in some of the other posts. I would hope that attitude is dying out now as we have so much in common. I think that has certainly changed over the last decade or so, with the exception of sporting occasions that is. We now have kids who speak with strange accents due to your soaps. We have people copying the Aussie lifestyle with barbecues even though it is constantly pi**ing down with rain. We also have similar tastes in humour. Australia humour exports easily to the UK, not so true of exporting it to the US. Just look at the excellent Kath & Kim as an example.
We have many things in common which is one of the reasons I love visiting your Country. Your Country is so similar and familiar in lots of ways and in other ways so different and alien. I suspect if you were not 24 hours away that you would be swamped with British tourists. Now there’s a thought to scare a lot of your readers.

by Colin - Living in the UK on July 14, 2008 at 12:18 AM

Where would Australia be without "Frost", " Poirot" and the mighty "Bill". Does anyone think its odd that Mr Dale ignored American TV in his search to drum up interest in his column.

by Stephen Smith on July 14, 2008 at 12:42 AM

There is nothing wrong with damp and dismal. One of Australia's more famous persons (who became a Dane) lives in a country even more damp and dismal than the UK!

by Johan on July 14, 2008 at 02:05 AM

Get over yourselves Australia !! if we did not exist it would not make a difference because you can't miss what you don't know. Secondly the penicillin debate is ridiculous ... Pasteur is not Australian and it was a joint discovery. Granted it had Australian input, but by no means was it uniquely Australian.
Any country that overstates it's importance becomes selfish. We need input from all countries and need to work together. We may get many things right, but we stuff up equally as many things.

by beryl on July 14, 2008 at 06:24 AM

It seems to there is a lot of wanking going on.
ITS THE OLD OLD STORY, TELL IT AS YOU WOULD LIKE IT TO BE.
In the long run we are a nation of wingers and dobbers and have done a 360 degree turn from what used to be.
Why is it so many Australians have taken up permanant residence in the UK and become part of the furniture there?
There is a time when you put your predjudices in your pocket and face reality. that time is now.

by THE BACKSTUD FROM THE BUSH on July 14, 2008 at 07:11 AM

90% of the comments here are idiotic. It's a joke, you Einsteins. Most of you need to learn how to spell.
Now stop whingeing.

by Mac on July 14, 2008 at 08:43 AM

Why is Eddie Maguire in that picture? Not only would English people not know who he is, but when we do get here and find out who he is we consider buggering off back to England. Same as with Rove. And Grendel Killeen. In fact, all your commercial TV "stars", they suck!
Love it here though, I won't be going back to the mother country.

by Tom (a Pom) on July 14, 2008 at 08:52 AM

"DD remarks: It's fascinating that so many readers assumed I was serious about the soaps."

Lets face it, the average Australian is an ignorant moron

by Scoby Watson on July 14, 2008 at 08:55 AM

Oh no! Another anti-brit article by the whinging SMH. Have fun, you've killed both your ability to banter and your once great stereotype of being laid back. The new Aussies of the world: Paranoid, Cringing and Angry.

DD remarks: Gedda sensayuma, whydoncha? Is it possible the column was a parody of Australian attiudes?

by Chris on July 14, 2008 at 09:17 AM

Dear god, people. HUMOUR! HUMOUR!

by Jenny on July 14, 2008 at 09:32 AM

Sense of humour? Problem is that the article isn't funny.
After becoming an australian a few years ago, I am still bemused by comments such as unaustralian, mateship and a fair go, as if this is the only place in the world where these occur (and I have yet to see any real demonstration of them). As for whinging, if it was an olympic event Australia would be bringing in the gold.
The only thing the brits crave is the weather. The rest, well...

DD remarks: You're right. I should have said sense of facetiousness.

by Cusp on July 14, 2008 at 10:37 AM

There is some talk here of enviable lifestyle, laid back, fair go etc etc, but one headline stands out this morning to demonstrate why these are not always a good attribute for a country to possess, Aus is ranked as the 3rd worst emitter in the developed world with some African Alum smelter being more enviro friendly than the ons here. Come on guys, the rest of the developed world is way ahead ion this issue alone and one of the reasons the lifestyle here is what it is, is beceause energy is cheap and driving a car is cheaper. The world without Aus would be cleaner, imagine if the global population had the carbon footprint each Aussie has.
I may be wrong, but I don't think other countries have blogs like this, they are just happy being, without having to talk it up.

by Moose on July 14, 2008 at 11:24 AM

As a relatively recent immigrant to these shores, I am inclined to agree with those commentators who say that there is a tendency for Aussies to overestimate their country's global standing and past contributions to world events. Hard as it is for the locals to take, the bottom line is that Australia probably has less influence on world events than say Luxembourg, a member of both the European Union and NATO. Perhaps Kevin Rudd has the right idea about the formation of an Asia-Pacific union after all.

by N Melba on July 14, 2008 at 01:13 PM

A few clarifications:
1) The "esky" may have been created by an Australian, but the cooler box was around 2 years earlier in America
2) The rotary lawn mower was not "invented" by Victa, it was merely one of the first companies (and the first in Australia) to sell them commercialy.

Anyway, not to let a few facts get in the way of populist chest-thumping, in reality not much would be too different if Australia wassn't here. Same with most A small fish in a big pond rarely makes waves, and a fish 10 years behind the rest of the world even less so.
I understand why the general culture of the place is so lacking - the outdoors is so fantastic in this country, no one wants to spend their time inside. But let's not kid ourselves - having lived in a few other countries, its always a shock to come home and see how far behind and how parochial we are.

by Dave Starkey on July 14, 2008 at 06:11 PM

None of the following would exist: Dawn Frazer, Murray Rose, Grant Hackett, Pat Cash, Yvone Coolagong, the Woodies and all the boys and girls that always make us proud, Yothu Yindi, INXS, AC/DC, Midnight Oil, the Aussie Open, the beginning race of the Grand Prix season, Bruce Dawe, Ned Kelly, Sydney Nolan, Brett Whitelely, Max Dupain, Andy Thomas, Victor Chang, Fred Hollows, Cate Blanchett, Eric Bana, Hugo Weaving, Guy Pearce, Miranda and Barry Otto, Geoffrey Rush, Hugh Jackman, Nick Giannopoulos, NIDA...... do all non-Australians need a full list??!! We can go on till the end of time!

by Vix on July 14, 2008 at 08:43 PM

Forget Neighbours, home & away... Prisoner Cell block H was by far the best Australian soap, with Sons & Daughters a close second.
Truly gripping television, which clearly should be sold on DVD, which still baffles me that they're not..

by Richard White on July 14, 2008 at 09:00 PM

wait till we get our own head of state, flag and rid every second institution with absolutley no relevance to the british crown having a royal name appended to it, watch the poms scamper for the hills then, no longer will the anglophille immigration have to feel so obliged to let hordes of them into the country, because they wont be queing up to get in the joint., yes its basically a very shallow relationship based on australian subservience.

by greg borshoff on July 14, 2008 at 09:36 PM

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Who We Are

WHO WE ARE: Miserable without us

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