The Tribal Mind: Nut guards vs kickworthies

Wednesday May 9, 2007 04:08 PM

Who We Are

For futher discussion of Australian attitudes, bookmark http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
To discuss the most important speech ever given in Australia, go to Who We Are.

by David Dale
At last the Zeitgeist has thrown up another tool for analysing popular culture which is almost as powerful as the notion of "jumping the shark". It is "the nut guard".

If it had been created in Australia, it would probably have been called "the cup" or "the box", by analogy with the device used by cricketers to protect their vulnerable parts. Because it was created in the US, it is defined thus by Entertainment Weekly magazine: "nut guard (noun): The credit on an actor's resume that is so beloved it stops fans from wanting to actually kick him where it hurts after sitting through his latest stinker. [Origin: After seeing Fred Claus, Mandi told her friend Karen that she wanted to kick Vince Vaughn in the nuts. Karen said, "No, you can't. He's got a nut guard because of Swingers."]

Thus John Travolta, who has made many a kickworthy, gets a nut guard from Pulp Fiction -- a film which also offered some protection to Bruce Willis. Brad Pitt is guarded by Fight Club, George Clooney by Michael Clayton. Tom Cruise, whose whole life is kickworthy, gets guards from Rain Man and Collateral. Hugh Grant is running just about even on each side. Will Ferrell's only protection is Stranger Than Fiction, but that's because of the presence of Emma Thompson, who has never made a kickworthy.

Yes, the concept applies to women, too, even if it's a technical misnomer. Lindsay Lohan's protection is Mean Girls, but it's not nearly enough. Angelina Jolie's is A Mighty Heart, which counterbalances two Lara Croft movies. Cate Blanchett has so many nut guards she could do kickworthies for the rest of her career.

Last year, this column, after consulting its readers, declared that Nicole Kidman had jumped the shark, based on a string of embarrassments that displayed chronic bad taste in scripts.

Since then, she's been the best performer in The Golden Compass and she's played an interesting neurotic in Margot At The Wedding (which made just $80,000 in its first week in Australian cinemas, suggesting Our Nic is not exactly a huge drawcard in her own land).

But any protection Kidman may claim from those performances is dissolved by a flick called The Invasion, a sci-fi potboiler which is a colossal waste of time, even when seen on a plane (in the photo above, O.N. has just realised her ex-husband has been turned into a zombie by aliens -- which sounds like the story of her life). Like Stepford Wives, it's the kind of shark-jump symptom that causes audiences too polite to don the steel-capped boots to ask "What was she thinking? It's not as if she needs the money!"

In its first week at the Australian box office, The Invasion made $37,000. In the same period, Rambo made $750,000. The horrifying posibility emerges that Sylvester Stallone has more nut guards than Nicole Kidman.

The nut guard is a new tool for media analysts, and its parameters need refining. Can you help with these questions: Is an Oscar-winning performance automatically a nut guard, and how many kickworthies should it block? What might be the current ng/kw balance of Eric Bana, Toni Collette, Russell Crowe, Judy Davis, Mel Gibson, Rachel Griffiths, Hugh Jackman, Nicole Kidman, Miranda Otto, Guy Pearce, Geoffrey Rush, Naomi Watts and Hugo Weaving? It is, of course, a matter of personal opinion, and we'd like yours ...

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). To discuss Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

COMMENTS

Unfortunately I think with the exception of the wonderful Blanchett, our guys have been a kickworthy factory for a few years now. Collette, Rush and Griffiths makes the most of their limited appeal to commercial cinema but the likes of Kidman, Bana, Crowe and Gibson are rubbish-movie making machines. Let's hope it turns around soon- maybe with a few decent Aussie productions that put them there in the first place!

by jason hutty on March 02, 2008 at 09:39 PM

Hmmmm.....Nutguards listed first
Eric Bana: Chopper / The Incredible Hulk, Toni Collette: Muriels Wedding / About a Boy, Russell Crowe: Romper Stomper/Master and Commander, Judy Davis: My Brilliant Career / ?, Mel Gibson: Braveheart / Ransom - The Patriot, Rachel Griffiths: Muriels Wedding / Blow, Hugh Jackman:X-Men / Swordfish, Nicole Kidman: Moulin Rouge - Cold Mountain / Days of Thunder - Far and Away -Eyes Wide Shut, Miranda Otto: Doing Time for Patsy Kline / The Nostradamus Kid, Guy Pearce: Priscilla / The Time Machine - Neighbours, Geoffrey Rush: Shine / The Banger Sisters, Naomi Watts: The Ring / King Kong, Hugo Weaving: Proof - LOTR - The Matrix - Priscilla / V for Vendetta.
All of them (barring Judy Davis) have made an absolute howler along the way, the worst of which were Eric Bana and Hugh Jackman ( who could forgive either Swordfish or The Incredible Hulk?? )

by Jimmy on March 02, 2008 at 09:58 PM

Nutguards first, but some of these actors have way more baddies than nutguards.
Hugo Weaving: Proof-LOTR, Eric Bana: Romulus My Father,Chopper - The Hulk, Munich, Troy, Russell Crowe: Master & Commander, Gladiator, The Insider, Romper Stomper,The Sum of Us, LA Confidential - Breaking Up, A Beautiful Mind, Cinderella Man, Mystery Alaska, Proof of Life,Heavens Burning, The Crossing, Nicole Kidman; The Hours,The Interpreter - all her others, Judy Davis - My Brilliant Career-Barton Fink, Guy Pearce; LA Confidential, Priscilla-The Count of Monte Cristo,Time Machine.

by toni on March 03, 2008 at 07:17 AM

Eric Bana gets a life membership nut guard for "Chopper", the greatest Australian acting performance of all time. Our Russ is sitting at roughly 25 to 1, NGs to KWs, the only kickworthy being "A Good Year".
Guy Pearce - a careful script-chooser has only one kick-worthy, that being "Time Machine", which has the equal-first position of "Most Unnecessary Remake of All Time" along with "Psycho" and "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory".
Just going through the list, it is clear that Australian actors have a very healthy NG / KW ratio.

by Hando on March 03, 2008 at 07:46 AM

The concept of a nut-guard is effectively excusing a bad performance because of one or more previous good performances. To paraphrase a saying, "you're only as good as your last movie", I think the idea of a nut-guard shouldn't provide any kind of permanent protection.
However, in being generous, an award-winning performance should allow maybe one subsequent nut kicking performance, but only limited to say the next 12 months.
As an interesting notion, where does the awarding of Razzies lead this line of thought?

by ross on March 03, 2008 at 08:39 AM

Marion Cotillard is not on your list TM but I do not think the Oscar for La Vie En Rose is going to be enough of a nutguard for anything after today's story - except in Europe of course :)

by Cat on March 03, 2008 at 09:33 AM

To me, the only good performance Nicole has had was in Dead Calm but that was when she looked non-Stepford like.... it is not enough of a nutguard...

by kate on March 03, 2008 at 09:38 AM

There are just so many actors that this applies to, where to start? I will have to think about it. But I do have to mention my most hated actor (next to Cruise) , Kevin Kostner. Is his nut guard movie "Dances with Wolves" enough to forgive everything else he has made since?
Not in my opinion.

by em on March 03, 2008 at 10:29 AM

Have to agree with the kickworthies and nutguards already mentionded. In addition, I reckon Hugh Jackman gets a kick for Paperback Hero (Claudia, too, come to think of it); Nutguards for Guy Pearce (LA Confidential and Memento), Hugo Weaving (Matrix - stole the show - and Proof) and Russell Crowe (Proof also). Can Rachel Griffiths get a nutguard for Six Feet Under and a kick for Brothers and Sisters?

by francesm on March 03, 2008 at 11:35 AM

Nutguards? You are nuts if you think these people still act. Not one of them still has the hunger to do a masterpiece. Churning out the dross, raking in the cash.
One top notch performance should compensate for a stinker, but honestly, not one of these Aussies/Almost Aussies has done anything noteworthy on screen in years.
Kidman, in particular, has been held in high esteem for doing nothing other than being the lanky ginger bauble on Herr Cruise's arm.
Thoroughly enjoyed Bana's Chopper though.

by robh on March 03, 2008 at 12:02 PM

NUT GUARDS

Eric Bana - Romulus,
Toni Collette - Muriel's Wedding,
Russell Crowe - The Sum of Us,
Judy Davis - Husbands & Wives,
Mel Gibson - Mad Max I,
Rachel Griffiths - Muriels Wedding,
Hugh Jackman - sorry Hugh???,
Nicole Kidman - Vietnam,
Miranda Otto - ???,
Guy Pearce - Priscilla,
Geoffrey Rush - Shine,
Naomi Watts - Mulholland Drive and
Hugo Weaving - Proof

by Shelby on March 03, 2008 at 01:27 PM

Wow - some of you are harsh!
Apart from our Nicole (who started this discussion) and who I think would be lucky to have even one nutguard, I think our guys & gals do a reasonable job.
There might be mediocre movies (Master & Commander, Lucky You, About a Boy etc) but not too many truly kickworthies for me.
For the actors I like, listing nutguards first:
Cate - Elizabeth, I'm not there vs Bandits
Eric Bana - Chopper (nutguard for life), Romulus vs the Nugget, The Incredible Hulk
Toni Collette - Sixth Sense & Muriel's are the only nutguards. Nothing truly kickworthy.
Russ - Romper Stomper, Gladiator, Insider, Beautiful Mind vs A Good Year, Quick & the Dead. He'd need a shocking run to move into a negative balance though.
Guy - Memento (nutguard for life), LA Confidential, The Proposition vs Time Machine
Hugh - just too entertaining for a kickworthy. He even made Swordfish enjoyable for me. Not sure there's a nutguard in his resume though.
Hugo - The Matrix (nutguard for life), Proof (ditto). No kickworthies come to mind.

by Shark on March 03, 2008 at 01:50 PM

I always say to my husband that Nicole Kidman has never made a good film and he always replies (somewhat facetiously) that she'll never do better than BMX Bandits. So, in Nicole's case, despite flop after frigid flop (let's face it - the woman has no heart, on screen anyway), she keeps appearing in films. I believe it's her stunning good looks that serve as her nutguard. She certainly knows how to work the haute couture on the red carpet.

by Eva on March 03, 2008 at 02:22 PM

"...the presence of Emma Thompson, who has never made a kickworthy."
Surely you aren't forgetting Junior? In which Arnold Schwarzenegger gets pregnant? I would think that one singlehandedly neutralised at least 10 nutguards.

by Jeff Booth on March 03, 2008 at 02:38 PM

All good movies are alike, but every bad movie is bad in its own way. Shouldn't a "kickworthy" movie be neutralised not by a previous good movie but by whether its awfulness is due to crass idiocy or failed ambition? "Hulk" was truly awful, but Ang Lee was experimenting with mixed genres in a way that could have flopped or inspired but would have done either spectacularly. There's no comparison to something like "The Stepford Wives", which was awful for no other reason than that it was awful. This would resolve some of the obvious differences of taste here - I loved "Lord of the Rings" and "V for Vendetta", but am happy to let others hate them. It would be better to describe ambitious but failed movies as "belly-busters" (from the elaborate dive that doesn't end up in a clean entry into the water), reserving "kickworthy" for the gratuitously and universally bad.

by Nicholas on March 03, 2008 at 06:54 PM

Eric Bana - nut guarded by Romulus My Father
Toni Collette - nut guarded by Sixth Sense and The Dead Girl
Russell Crowe - nut guarded by just about every movie he has ever made. In fact the only role he has bombed in is playing himself (memo to Russell, lighten up, it's so not all about you, mate.)
Judy Davis - nut guarded by Heatwave and Over the Rainbow
Mel Gibson - nut guarded by Hamlet (hugely underrated), the Road Warrior films, Tim.
Rachel Griffiths - nut guarded by I, Me, Myself and Six Feet Under
Hugh Jackman - love him but can't find a nut guard for the life of me - maybe Australia?
Nicole Kidman - nut guarded by To Die For and Moulin Rouge - and also Dogville which no one saw - perfectly cast in all three
Miranda Otto - no nut guard springs to mind - Cate Blanchett should have played the role of Eowyn in Lord of the Rings
Guy Pearce - nut guarded by Memento
Geoffrey Rush - nut guarded by Shine and The Life and Death of Peter Sellars
Naomi Watts - nut guarded by 21 Grams and The Painted Veil - they show her range
Hugo Weaving - nut guarded by Little Fish - he need never act again
You left out Frances O'Connor and David Wenham, both nut guarded by Three Dollars
How about doing Bottom of the Barrel for the same people? I'd kick off with Judy Davis in Marie Antointette - what was she thinking?

by Chris on March 04, 2008 at 10:41 AM

Avoid Margot at the Wedding at all costs. My daughter and I saw it last week and I wanted to leave but she kept saying, something might happen. Something did. A tree fell. It's a "I'll never get those two hours back" sort of film. Nicole, Nicole!

by Chris on March 04, 2008 at 10:50 AM

An Oscar-winning performance isn't necessarily any kind of nutguard. If it was not considered worthy of the Oscar (or if it was awarded at the expense of more serious contenders or a particularly preferred nominee), then it can actually be a SUPER-kickworthy, that requires a lot more good work to make up for it. A notable example would be Gwenyth Paltrow's 1998 Oscar win against Cate Blanchett, Meryl Streep, Emily Watson; or Marisa Tomei's 1992 win against Judy Davis, Joan Plowright, Vanessa Redgrave and Miranda Richardson.

by Suzie Ferrie on March 07, 2008 at 07:43 AM

It was all downhill for Nicole Kidman from BMX Bandits. Dead Calm was pretty good, Bangkok Hilton was decent (though it was a TV miniseries, not a movie). Apart from that she would have to be the most overrated and overpublicised Aussie actor in history. I reckon most of it is just the women's mags keeping up with each other - that's how she gets all the limelight...or maybe it's the distinct lack of Aussie women making it onto Hollywood casting calls. Signing Kidman up for a movie is like signing a contract guaranteeing it will be a financial and critical flop.

by NK on March 09, 2008 at 08:26 AM

Nicole's kickworthy's outweigh her nutguards considerably - 'Practical Magic'? 'Far and Away'? 'Bewitched'? She did make a great ghost in 'The Others' though. And yes even Geoffrey Rush - for every 'Lantana' there is a 'Banger Sisters' on the resume, sadly.

by KathyW on March 09, 2008 at 02:48 PM

Emma Thompson? Never made a kick worthy? Don't get me wrong, the gal does great stuff... but look no further than Angles In America. Is it possible to kick and cringe at the same time?

by Sweetie on March 23, 2008 at 10:57 PM

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The Tribal Mind: Nut guards vs kickworthies

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