WHO WE ARE: How to be suitable

Wednesday May 9, 2007 04:08 PM

Who We Are

To learn how Australians are different from Americans, go to The Tribal Mind
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To learn how Australians talk, go to Head like a chewed Mintie.

A column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 3/2/2008
Most people who live in this country can go for years without talking about Don Bradman, Walter Lindrum or Hubert Opperman. But if a new citizen doesn't know which of them was a cricketer and which was a pool shark, he or she is likely to become a social leper and an unemployable burden on the economy.

That apparently, is the view of Kevin Rudd, who last week put the kibosh on a plan by his immigration minister, Chris Evans, to give the flick to the Bradman question which may appear in the values test taken by applicants for Australian citizenship. Senator Evans thinks "sporting trivia" is not "critical knowledge" for functioning effectively in this society. His boss thinks it is.

Last year this column spent some time ridiculing the values test and the study booklet which accompanies it, and I was delighted last week at the possibility that the new government might modernise it. I hope the PM does not feel the need to intervene to protect every last vestige of Howard memorabilia.

But it's time I stopped ridiculing and started helping. I hereby submit a set of questions designed to test if you have the essential data for survival in Australia. If you don't get at least 15 of these right, you might as well go back to where you came from ...
1. Define these expressions: "put the kibosh on"; "give the flick to"; "chuck a wobbly"; "back of woopwoop"; "like a dunny door"; "tummy wog".

2. What percentage of Australia's residents are: Muslims; Catholics; of Aboriginal background; obese or overweight; homeless; living within 50 km of the sea.

3. What are the five movies seen by the greatest number of Australians alive today?

4. What are the five TV series seen by the greatest number of Australians alive today?

5. How many times a year does the average Australian say he or she has intercourse?

6. What's an Australian man's idea of foreplay?

7. How many abortions are performed each year in Australia's hospitals and clinics?

8. How much does the average Australian family have as spending money each week, after tax? How much does the average family owe on credit cards? What is the average Australian family, anyway?

9. Rank these sports in order of popularity, as measured by attendances at games and audiences on TV: soccer, tennis, rugby union, AFL, racing, rugby league, swimming.

10. Rank these causes of death in order of frequency: Diabetes; heart disease; strokes; cancer; accidents.

11. What percentage of adults say they agree with the statement "Immigrants make Australia open to new ideas and cultures"?

12. Explain the difference between the cultural cringe and the cultural strut.

13. What is the national footwear, dish, drink, condiment, and greeting?

14. What was the highest fee per minute ever paid to an actor (world record held by an Australian)?

15. Of the 40 top selling products in Australian supermarkets, which two are made in Australia by an Australian owned company?

16. Name the inventer of: The Chiko Roll; Vegemite; the Magic Pudding; Grange Hermitage; the Paddle Pop.

17. What happened to: Azaria Chamberlain; Harold Holt; Schappelle Corby?

18. What do we commemorate on April 25; June 13; first Tuesday in November; November 11?

19. What do we have to share with those who've come from across the seas?

20. What do these men have in common: Peter Doherty; Patrick White; Barry Marshall; Howard Florey?

We'll attempt explanations in The answers. But feel free to give them a try here, and to suggest other revealing questions.

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. For further observations of Australian attitudes and behaviour, go to Who we are.

COMMENTS

What percentage of expats here for 2 years or more say, "Australia's a great place...except it's full of Australians."?

by Overseas visitor on February 03, 2008 at 12:32 AM

There is nothing particilarly Australian about Kibosh (Q.1).
Found via Google:
" The word kybosh, or kibosh, has been used throughout much of the English-speaking world for at least 150 years. Possibly the first printed examples of "putting the kybosh on it" are in Charles Dickens's Sketches by Boz. There are also several American written examples from the 1880s. There are suggestions that it originates from the Yiddish word kabas or kabbasten, meaning to suppress or stop. Other possibilities are from the heraldic word caboshed - the emblem of an animal which is shown full face but cut off close to the ears so that no neck shows. Webster's New World Dictionary suggests it may derive from the old German word "kiebe", meaning carrion.
The most likely explanation, however, is that by the Irish poet Padric Colum, who theorised that it comes from the Gaelic "cie bias" meaning "cap of death", the mask worn by the executioner at the block or the black cap ofthe judge when delivering the death sentence. The words are pronounced "ky bosh".
Also "back of woopwoop" which I haven't heard seems to be the result of a merging of two more popular australian words/expressions. namely "woopwoop" and "back of Bourke".

by David on February 03, 2008 at 04:50 AM

Q. Give one good reason why you would want to come to a country full of racist, bigoted, ignorant, self important beer swilling louts?
A. Living in desert in detention camp run by bigoted, self important beer swilling louts, having risked life in small boat crossing vast ocean, preferable to dying of starvation or execution due to personal beliefs. Australia is still land of freedom and opportunity?

by Me on February 03, 2008 at 05:18 AM

To me Australia represents lots of Marathon runners and the biggest event of them all is the william St City to Surf Bondi, where running and swimming is mostly involve in this event and that is a lifestyle of doing exercise with your body that results to a sound mind and a healthy body that once a year about 60,000 australians would aim to go for and city to surfer mentality.

by Fairdinkum on February 03, 2008 at 06:25 AM

Most of the people I have spoken who lived in Australia reckon that your true blue Australian is one of the most generous & open-hearted people in the world. Shame about all those white losers, ennit!

by Vic Bethell on February 03, 2008 at 06:26 AM

obviously the idiot who wrote this article hasn't read http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Australia and forgotten the all important question: WHY would anyone want to be a bloody Aussie???

by ~Shark~ on February 03, 2008 at 07:15 AM

As it is the squeeky wheel that gets the grease, so it is the loud obnoxious moron that gets the publicity. In every country there are those who seem to be the ones that represent us, yet if we ignore them and look at the true citizens of the country, then we find some truly amazing and honest people. Unfortunately we end with the butt wipes on our front pages, because they are the ones that sell.

by traveller on February 03, 2008 at 07:27 AM

I failed the citizenship test :(
I'd better move back to my homeland....Ballarat.

by OH NO!! on February 03, 2008 at 08:12 AM

If you don't like the way Australians are the door is wide open! I have been to many countries and no other has our great way of life, that's why we must protect it.

by Daniel on February 03, 2008 at 08:17 AM

13) footwear: thongs; dish: barbie; drink: schooners xxxx; condiment: bbq sauce; greeting: g'day

DD replies: 2 out of 5 correct.

by matthias on February 03, 2008 at 08:18 AM

Why in the name of sexually disoriented budgies are we still using Ockers as the classic, typical Australians?
Doesn't anybody else exist?
When was the last time you met one of these self propelled dunghills, personally?
Starve the developers and castrate the pollies with a Vita Weat, Doreen, this is the image we inflict on ourselves, those idiots.
This is cultural hypochondria. We can have as many cliches as our illiterate mates' club of networkers are prepared to market and pay themselves to promote.
Ockers belong in sheltered workshops for the tediously obsolete, like Channel Nine, the last bastion of Ockerdom in Australian media.
They're self inflicted, like management science and production budgets.

by Paul on February 03, 2008 at 08:34 AM

certainly are some angry/ignorant people out there...
if living in this country makes you angry because of it being "full of Australians" who are "racist, bigoted, ignorant, self important beer swilling louts" i believe there are plenty of flights out of your local airport.... bye.

by P on February 03, 2008 at 08:40 AM

#5 = more than me. probably even if only three time - maybe even if alone not that I am one to do the bragging.
#6 = golf.
#9 = four of them are the same except for a code's difference - abstain trick question.
#13 drink = cordial
condiment = lollies
(thanks Sean)
#17 Harold Holt = abducted by the
Nonunionistas and sent to
North Korea, alleged.
Q. Who has the most and best blog?
A. L'Australie
Q. Name the poster that knows more
aboot all the footballs in the world.
A. ______
pippinu
If everybody just send me one dollars I will have enough to save that and come for a visit and then do a climb to the top of the biggest clam shape thingamajig in the Sydney's Harbour.
Merci.
That is all.
Q. Why it is there is the preview's click and there then is nothing happen?
A. Next week.

by Canuckie on February 03, 2008 at 10:12 AM

Love it, or leave it!

by Alison on February 03, 2008 at 10:39 AM

13) Footwear: Thongs; Dish: Meat pie;Drink Beer (not neccaceraly four X); condiment: Tomato Sauce; Greeting: G'day Mate!

DD replies: 3 out of 5 correct.

by AL on February 03, 2008 at 10:40 AM

...just another perverted, narrow-minded, cheap, utterly vain and pathetic attempts to promote a false sense of pride. relax!!! i got more than 15 of those questions right...can i go save the world now? wait...does passing these questions allow me to help ease the shortage of doctors in rural areas? can i help improve living conditions for the indigenous people? there are other things that you can do to be australians - no, passing little quizzes is not one of them david dale!!! it seems there's not enough australians doing those things - may be i should source more doctors from the UK or India for example... because "australians" are too busy gurgling beer and making up little quizzes only they can answer...
-peace out-

by world citizen on February 03, 2008 at 10:57 AM

I wish everyone would stop whinging about Australia. Having travelled extensively, this country is surely one of the best in the world to live in. If it is so bad why are so many migrants coming here? If their home country was so great they wouldn't be moving. The funny thing is that many of the minorities here who whinge about racism come from countries that are very racist. So stop complaining the lot of you, and that includes white Australians.
p.s. I don't think it's a bad idea at all to know something of the history of the country you want to gain citizenship in. Citizenship of this country is to be earned, not just given away.
p.s.s. every society has percentage of ignorant people. Many societies, however, do not have the freedom of speech to express ignorant views.

by Pete on February 03, 2008 at 11:34 AM

Footwear: Thongs; Dish: Lamb; Drink: VB; Condiment: Tomato Sauce; Greeting: Q: How're ya? A: How're ya? (very few people actually say G'day)
To answer Paul's question about the ocker Australians, sometimes known as bogans, I give you Cronulla and the Gold Coast as prime breeding grounds.

DD replies: 2 out of 5 correct.

by Eliza on February 03, 2008 at 11:38 AM

Obviously all the Aussie women are wearing purple...

by Stonecat on February 03, 2008 at 12:07 PM

Got money for a plane ticket to Espana hermano???

by Stonecat on February 03, 2008 at 12:08 PM

Cheers David Dale! You really stick the boot into how ridiculous that test is. When you ask some questions that actually give some insight into the country, they are pretty hard to answer, even for someone who has lived here all their life. In response to the comment from "Daniel" why don't you keep your loonie bigoted views to talkback radio 2GB and 2UE, where people like you belong, in an irrelevant and easy to ignore ether. Tne most annoying cringeworthy moment of the week was Kevin Rudd smarmingly saying he was not going to touch 'the Don' or whatever obsequious crap he said. All I could think was that at least with Howard, you really knew where he stood, while Rudd is not doing so well to disguise his conservative right-wing values. So much for change in this country with a new leader! Same coin, different side.

by Liz Frances Bridgid on February 03, 2008 at 12:17 PM

Are we still in John Howard Australia???

Who gives a fuck about a bunch of rednecks in the Australian Cricket team???

How many countries in the world play Cricket???

If it wasn't for 1 Day Cricket, not even Aussies would watch it again.

It shows people have a short attention span.

And that cricket is used as a symbol of British Imperialism and Racism.

I wonder whether Symonds ever has to Cop It Sweet???

All I have to say is he ain't no Nigganang!!!

This is Aboriginal Land!!!

by Stonecat on February 03, 2008 at 12:33 PM

"Australia is a great place, but the problem is, it's full of Australians" .... Well said... excellent comment... You guys can beat your chest as much as you want, but the rest of the world doesn't care a damn about Oz... Why, even Indonesia, Malaysia, Singapore and Korea don't care a penny about you... An average Australian is far, far, far, far inferior to an average American/Asian/European. So stop being such inward-looking pathetic asses and learn something from the rest of the world.

by Chris on February 03, 2008 at 12:33 PM

Was born in Sydney in 1941 and last month came to Australia again after being away 24 years. Loved my stay, and if I could I would sell all and move back. Don't be American wanna be's. Get rid of the American poo on the TV.

by pamela Netuschil on February 03, 2008 at 01:13 PM

In Australia, if you don't want a needle in your arm, you are called a Muslim Terrorist.
Tell that to La Guardia Civil Espanola.

by Stonecat on February 03, 2008 at 01:17 PM

That so true Paul, why do we feel we have to perpetuate that cringable "ocker" stereotype to give us an identity the most of us simply arent ?

by Dave on February 03, 2008 at 01:29 PM

Shouldn't that be thongs, meat pie, beer, tomato sauce and g'day?
But I'm afraid I'd fail most of the other questions, and I was born and bred in Sydney. The whole concept of a trivia quiz to test one's potential to be a true blue Aussie seems flawed to me. I'd be putting in only the questions that really matter, like this one:
A woman walks down the main street wearing only shorts, a bikini top and thongs. She is:
a) a prostitute;
b) maybe not a prostitute but certainly asking to be approached for sex;
c) a normal Aussie girl and well within her rights;
d) breaking the religious laws of the land and deserving of severe punishment.
This is the sorts of thing that causes problems between 'new' Australians and 'old' Australians.

by Candy Lawrence on February 03, 2008 at 01:31 PM

18. ANZAC, Melbourne Cup (pitty about the Victorians) and Rememberance Day. This makes my heart fill with gratitute... we are in the lucky land! Another thought, wear your thongs or your Prada who cares, we're all Australian

by Jonno on February 03, 2008 at 01:57 PM

Not worthy of becoming an Oz. Citizen.
Reg.Nurse. Cert.midwife, Bach.of Sci. Dip.Ed. Speak 3 languages FLUENTLY and play the piano. So why am I inferior?
Don't know who the @#%$* is Don Bradman. In Europe nobody has ever heard of him.
Must abandon the cross on the road.
Miss out on the 'core' of many matters.
Must crawl back to my own Country in disgrace.....

by Natalie Abbott on February 03, 2008 at 02:15 PM

Typically the term 'aussies' are only used to describe the white anglo-saxon with european ancestry.
In everyday conversations I've never heard 2nd, 3rd or 4th generation chinese, lebanese or other ethnic group, being described as 'aussies'. What I am saying is, as long as you are not white, you will never be described as 'aussie', so why should all non-whites be forced to assimilate to typical 'white' aussie values?
If its a matter of assimilating to who's been here the longest, we all should have adopted aboriginal values!
The beauty of Australia is its multi-culturalism and the fact that its a big melting pot of different races which makes Australia a colourful place!
Passing a test that describes typical 'white aussie' stereotypes ONLY is ridiculous. A good and fair test should include a variety of different cultures and their values as well as Australian history.

by Chuck on February 03, 2008 at 02:27 PM

I lived in the U.S. for 15 years. In all those 15 years, I never heard anyone talk about "what it means to be an American" and such crap. So why is this little, tiny country so obsessed with its self-image ? Why so much noise about "Australian character" ? ....... Ah yes, I know.... it's the little brother syndrome! It's the little brother shouting at the top of his voice to the older brother, "Please, hear me, please, I am begging you" !!!! It's time Australians stopped behaving like kids and showed some maturity... Stop all this stupid idiotic discussions about national identity..... it makes you all look like dumb morons.

by Chris on February 03, 2008 at 02:56 PM

In response to Chris (2.56pm Feb 3), have you ever known or come across anyone actually concerned about what it means to be Australian outside of the media?
The majority of Australians do not spend much time worrying about who they are, or where their friends or neighbours come from.
They simply get on with their lives. Whether that be working on important medical or scientific breakthroughs, or simply putting food on their families table, the average Australian is really no different to the average citizen of any other country.

by Dave on February 03, 2008 at 04:50 PM

1 put a hex on, get rid of, tantrum, far away, wavers, gastro
2 4%?, 35%?, 2.3%?, 48%?, 1%?, 85%?
3 titanic, shrek2, return of the king, croc dundee, fellowship of the ring
4 no idea
5 I reckon they say about 100 but I reckon do they it about 10 times less often
6 "you awake?"
7 quite a few
8 $400 pw?, $2000?, mum dad 2 � kids and dog
9 same as listed
10 heart disease, strokes, cancer, diabetes, accidents?
11 50%?
12 embarrassed about australia, how hot are we
13 thongs, pies, vb, tomato sauce, g'day
14 nicole kidman $928,800 pm chanel ad
15 dunno
16 francis mcenroe, fred walker, norman lindsay, max schubert, ronald street
17 eaten by dingo, eaten by shark, dope in boogie board bag
18 anzac day, queens b'day, melbourne cup, armistice day
19 boundless plains
20 nobel prizes: immunology, literature, discovery of heliobacter pylori bact, discovery of medicinal properties of penicillin

by firedot on February 03, 2008 at 05:42 PM

I'm not saying the old test was great but I think knowing a little about Australian sporting history may serve a new Australian abit better over some quiet beers than being able to rattle the answers to well...... any of these questions.
Unfortuantely for me, after spending all of my 23 years in this great country I have failed Mr Dale's test.
I think it would actually take me about half an hour to google all the correct answers to these questions! Where will I go now?
Poor form David Dale... very poor form

by What does this mean??? on February 03, 2008 at 06:50 PM

1) curse, 2) avoid, 3) lose the temper, 4) west of Sydney, 5) as in bangs like a dunny door, 6) politically incorrect.
Just enough to make the total 107%.
Do we watch movies?
Do we watch tv?
Every time they open their mouth.
Are you ready.
Very few, however 70,000 are performed in clean toilets.
Afl, racing, rugby league, swimming, union, tennis, soccer in attendances. Our tv will only accommodate 3 people at a time.
They only happen once.
100% immediately after a charge of racism.
The Governor General and Wayne Carey.
Crocs, I think it is Sharryn Gidella, vinegar, �could you lend me a quid.�
Was she acting or enjoying it.
Both of them.
Major Jeffries, Dick Smith, Norman Lindsay, the Hanwood Hermit, Peter Jenson.
At some time they were all eaten, at varying degrees of course.
The annual clash between Essendon and Collingwood at the MCG. It�s a birthday. Nothing, it is devoted to a horse race. Stupidity.
The air.
TV presenter. a person who learnt to write later in life. ? He invented a cure for venereal deseases.

by benito on February 03, 2008 at 06:58 PM

Q. Which commonly known Australian Beer brands, have 46.13 % of profits going to Japan?
A. Tooheys, Hahn, and XXXX

by HG on February 03, 2008 at 07:03 PM

Why so much obsessed of being an Aussie.
Majority of business that Australia get is from China, India and other minor Asian Countries. If general public neglects them i dont think Australia have something to show the rest of the world. Offcourse one should be proud and work hard for the land that gives you so much (I mean money and honey both :D) But that doesnt mean you should be highly obsessed with it.
One should welcome outsiders also, learn from them, show them your culture rather than throwing ****** questions on them.

by Mac on February 03, 2008 at 07:49 PM

What percentage of Australians say 'Thank God the expats have left and good riddance'

by greg ceely on February 03, 2008 at 08:48 PM

wow, you have successfully proved that 90% of Australians couldn't give a stuff about statistics

by the anvil on February 03, 2008 at 09:05 PM

If you don't like Australians and can't think of a reason why anyone would want to come here, the feeling's probably mutual. It's best that you stay at home...don't come here.

by Michelle on February 03, 2008 at 09:07 PM

To any of the negative types: please promote your views as wide and far as possible. Particularly those with "personal beliefs" involving religion.
That way they'll be less likely to ruin the place for the rest of us and we can quietly live in the best country in the world and the religious nuts, misogynists, culturally incompatible and backward types can stay in their own countries.

by Nathan on February 03, 2008 at 09:34 PM

Dumb morons?
Forgive them for they have no better T.V, Radios and newspapers to watch, listen and read. Thanks to who owns and controls the media in this country.
If Australians throw out the dumb box, stop reading newspapers, read better books, get outdoor and enjoy the abounding nature, travel to other countries and learn more about the world they live in.
There will be no more identity crisis.
There is nothing to be done with the existing dumb morons- we'll just out live and out breed them.

by Vexed on February 03, 2008 at 09:38 PM

If being Australia is about a "quiz" ... I am not sure if I am an Australian anymore..
Every Australian (unless you are indigenous) is either a migrant or a decent of one .. so why us and them?
Once it is decided that a person can stay in Australia, whether it is because he/she can contribute to Australia in skills, labour or investment, they are Australians, and should be welcome. It's the contributions to the Australian society that count and "earn" citizenship.
A "quiz" is surely an insult to the value of our Australian citizenship.

by AA on February 03, 2008 at 10:35 PM

What other country in the world thinks their countrymen are morons? Using minority examples as vast stereotypes?
What other country hates everything their country stands for?

by Mr Speaker on February 03, 2008 at 11:10 PM

Q13 Answers:
Sandals
Noodles
Green Tea
Chili Sauce
Inshallah

by Peter Morris on February 03, 2008 at 11:13 PM

As a teacher, I can tell you: the two things that matter about any test are reliability and validity. The whole framework of the citizenship test fails on both criteria, which makes all these arguments about the content amusing but not really relevant. If a person's suitability for citizenship depends on English ability, capital, existing ties to the community, employable skills and an understanding of rights and responsibilities, then their suitability can be checked independently without a comprehension test (it isn't valid). The ability to keep taking it until you reach the magic percentage, as well as inequities of cost and cultural background, make it wholly unfair (it isn't reliable). As long as it's a pop quiz (about ANYTHING) with the answers available in a pamphlet, the only relevant criterion it measures is English ability, which is more efficiently rated elsewhere. The universal problem you've demonstrated of implicit assumptions about what Australians believe (a whole lot of conflicting things, like people in any country) in formulating the information and questions only makes the shortcomings more obvious - and more entertaining. The fact is, I'm more interested to know whether the government can administer the test in Gaelic to keep out undesirables. ;)

by Nicholas on February 06, 2008 at 04:45 PM

Footwear : Thongs
Dish : Meat pie
Drink : Beer
Condiment " Tomato Sauce
Greeting : G'day

D replies: 3 out of 5. For all the answers, come back on Sunday.

by mark on February 07, 2008 at 05:48 AM

This is what I reckon the answers to Q13 should be:
Footwear: Uggies
Dish: Maccas
Drink: Bundy & Coke
Condiment: Ciggie ash
Greeting: Scratch n grunt

by Shoopie on February 07, 2008 at 01:42 PM

Q17: only a few people know what happened to Azaria Chamberlain - and they aren't telling. Some who have gone public believe they know, but have not been accepted. Some wrote anonymously that they know. Some lied about it. the Third Coroner Lowndes 'does not know.' I am just about an expert on this case, so will be interested to see your answer.
All the 9's tells me I might even solve it tonight.

by Rexx on February 07, 2008 at 04:23 PM

Refer to your p.54 in sun herald today- -"Hangover from Colonial Times". A truly magnificent effort. It is so "Spot on" and fully in line with my and as well our small Beyond Federation Group. I will send you a flyer that identifies us. You are a leader!

by Len Murray on February 17, 2008 at 07:24 PM

Has anybody mentioned chocolate spiders. They are found at many children's parties. Chang noodles in melted dark chocolate (sometimes with sultanas as well). A friend recently served them with 1/2 a red glaced cherry on top and called it a 'red back spider'. Can't get much more Australian than that!!!

by Marion Rattray on June 26, 2008 at 02:08 PM

The Sun-Herald

Who We Are

WHO WE ARE: How to be suitable

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