The Sun-Herald

The Tribal Mind: Missing millions

Australians have grown accustomed to the US media getting details wrong about us, but here's an instance that is simply bizarre. Recently The New York Post leapt to the defence of John Howard. It lambasted presidential candidate Barack Obama for his suggestion that if Australia was serious about making a difference in Iraq, it should send 20,000 troops. The Post continued: "It shouldn't be necessary to point out that Australia is a nation of but 17 million, and that 1400 soldiers, relatively speaking, is the equivalent of more than 25,000 American troops - more than an entire division."

On the day The Post published this, the population clock on the website of the Australian Bureau of Statistics was showing us at 20,755,000. Oh well, you may say, silly US media again. Except for two details: The Post's owner is Rupert Murdoch, a former Australian citizen with substantial investments in this country, and The Post's editor is Col Allan, still an Australian citizen.

So maybe the figure isn't wrong after all. Not even The New York Post wilfully inserts errors into its reportage. There must be a reason for its decision to exclude 3.7 million people from its count of our population. The Tribal Mind has been researching this mysterious figure of 17 million, via the Bureau of Statistics and other sources, and these are our findings ...

What 17 million represents:
The number of Australians who live in a household with two or more TV sets.
The number of Australians who are not Anglican.
The number who have never been to an AFL football match.
... who do not have access to Foxtel on any of their TV sets.
... who live in a home with three or more bedrooms.
... who go to the cinema at least once a year.
... who do not wear glasses for reading.
... who are under the age of 65.
... who agree with these statements: "The father should be as involved in the care of his children as the mother"; "A woman should have the right to choose whether or not she has an abortion"; "Generally speaking, Australia is a better country than most other countries"; "Media ownership in Australia is too concentrated among a few rich families".

So The New York Post must have been confining its argument to one of those subsets. Or there is another possibility. Perhaps the Post journalist who wrote the editorial checked his facts in an encyclopedia published in the year 1992, which was when Australia's population last stood at 17 million.

It may be time for Rupert Murdoch to give his workers access to google.

Give us your theory on what The Post had in mind, below.

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. For further observations of Australian attitudes and behaviour, go to www.smh.com.au/tribalmind.

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 10:42 AM
• Comments (3)

WHO WE ARE: Ugly as a hatful of ...

A column about Australia, by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 25/2/2007
The readers of this column have created an essential resource for every scholar of the Australian language. Last week I suggested that if our National Gemstone is the opal, our National Drink is cappuccino and our National Dish is Spaghetti Bolognese (now under challenge from Pad Thai), then we should try to declare a National Comparison, since we're a land that takes pride in its turn of phrase.

My candidate for National Metaphor was The Magic Pudding, because it's the image used most often in political rhetoric and most appropriate to describe the way we regard our continent. But on the very day I wrote that, the British media raised a candidate for National Simile -- the father of a Qantas fight attendant speculated that the people who dobbed her in for dallying with Ralph Fiennes were probably "as ugly as a hatful of arseholes".

I asked for your proposals, and from the 60 dissertations you sent, I derived this glossary of useful comparisons for every occasion:

All over it like a seagull on a sick prawn.
All over the place like a wet dog on lino.
Better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick.
Busier than ... a one-armed taxi driver with crabs, a one-armed bill-poster in a stiff breeze, a one-armed bricklayer in Baghdad, a one-legged man in an ass-kicking competition.
Colder than a mother-in-law's kiss, a well-digger's arse, a witch's tit.
Couldn't ... fight his way out of a wet paper bag, find a root in a brothel (with a fistful of fivers), organise a fart in a curry house, organise a pissup in a brewery, pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Couldn't sell ... beer to a drover, icecream in hell.
Dry as ... a dead dingo's donga, a pommy's bath towel.
Face like a dropped pie.
Finer than frog's hair.
Flat out like a lizard drinking.
Full as ... a butcher's pup, a fat lady's gumboot, a Catholic school.
Few snags short of a barbie.
Gone like last week's pay.
Happy as a dog with two tails.
(The winner's) harder to pick than a broken nose.
Head like a chewed Mintie.

If he fell into a barrel full of tits he'd come up sucking his thumb.
(I'll be) off like ... a bucket of prawns in the sun, a salami in the sun.
Missed by a bee's dick
Piss in my pocket but don't tell me it's raining.
Shoot through like a Bondi tram.
Silly as a bum full of Smarties.
Smiling like a mother-in-law in a divorce court.
So bucktoothed, she could eat a watermelon through a barbed wired fence.
So hungry ... I could eat the arsehole out of a dead dingo, I could eat the crotch out of a low flying duck.
Sticks to the road like shit to a blanket.
Sweating like a fat chick in lycra.
Tight as a shark's arse.
Up and down like a bride's nightie.
Useless as ... tits on a bull, a glass door on a dunny, a letterbox on a tombstone, a pork chop at a synagogue.
Vanished like a fart in a fan factory.

Wonderful as they are, these images do seem to be stuck in a time warp. With the exception of the Baghdad bricklayer, they could all have been created before 1950. Every language needs to be serviced regularly, and we may be falling down on the job with ours. So now, instead of traditional expressions, I'm looking for original wordplay along the lines of "empty as a Corby boogie board bag", "pure as Justice Einfeld's driving record", "self-effacing as Eddie McGuire", "convincing as a Debnam promise", "competent as a NSW Cabinet Minister", etc.

If you'd care to exercise your imagination with linguistic refreshments suitable for the noughties, post your proposals below. And to discuss what should be our national song, go to WHO WE ARE.

<David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. To join a daily discussion of Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

• by David Dale in Who We Are at 12:37 AM
• Comments (82)

The Ratings Race: Week 8

This blog is now a heritage item -- worth studying but no longer current. To join the latest discussion on media and popular culture, go to www.smh.com.au/tribalmind.
Updated 6pm Friday February 23
At 5.45 pm on Friday Channel Seven issued this statement: "Nicholas Boot left his employment with the Seven Network on 22 February 2007 to pursue other opportunities. There is no ill feeling between Nicholas and Seven and we wish him well in his future endeavours."

Boot was the reporter who attached chains to a little old lady on Tuesday in order to sex up his report on a nursing home for Today Tonight. His departure will restore to Today Tonight the proud reputation for credibility it has enjoyed in the past.

Thursday has emerged as Channel Seven's point of vulnerability in the ratings week, dragged down by the US sitcom How I Met Your Mother (903,000 last night). Boosted by RPA, Nine got 32.9 per cent of the prime time audience, while Ten got 23.3 per cent, boosted by Law and Order: SVU. That meant Seven got only 26.8 per cent, even with the help of Earl and Lost. Seven will win the week, but will be pondering how to fill the 7.30 Thursday slot.

What Australia watched, Thursday
1. RPA Nine 1.544m
2. Missing Persons Unit Nine 1.326
3. Seven News Seven 1.306
4. My Name Is Earl Seven 1.256
5. Lost Seven 1.231
6. Today Tonight Seven 1.211
7. A Current Affair Nine 1.175
8. Nine News Nine 1.126
9. Law and Order: SVU Ten 1.095
10. The Biggest Loser 7- 8pm Ten 1.076
11. Getaway Nine 0.994
12. Home and Away Seven 0.963
13. ABC News ABC 0.942
14. Saving Babies Ten 0.940
15. Temptation Nine 0.909
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

Updated 10 am Thursday February 22
Here's a little competition. The first reader who correctly predicts the date and time when Channel Ten will announce the boning of The Con Test will receive a small but significant prize (a copy of the book Who We Are, if you must know). It could even be today, so register your predictions fast in the comment space below. Last night The Con Test got 719,000 viewers - a bit up on last week but still below the benchmark set last year by Yasmin's Getting Married. The only factor that might be slowing Ten's axe is the difficulty of finding anything else to fill the slot.

House recovered slightly and helped Ten to 22.4 per cent of the prime time audience, while Nine got 27.0 and Seven got 31.3, keeping it ahead for the week.

What Australia watched, Wednesday
1. SCU: Serious Crash Unit Seven 1.423m
2. Border Security repeat Seven 1.421
3. Heroes Seven 1.367
4. Seven News Seven 1.353
5. House Ten 1.338
6. Today Tonight Seven 1.273
7. McLeod's Daughters Nine 1.146
8. Without A Trace Nine 1.120
9. Prison Break Seven 1.102
10. Nine News Nine 1.082
11. A Current Affair Nine 1.073
12. Cold Case Nine 1.058
13. Spicks and Specks ABC 1.054
14. Home and Away Seven 1.049
15. The Biggest Loser Ten 1.003m
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

Updated 10 am Wednesday February 21
An audience of 1.81 million in the mainland capitals is not a record in the context of past triumphs of Dancing With The Stars, but when you consider that's an average over two hours and 15 minutes of Tuesday evening, it's a strong result for Channel Seven, which won the night with 37.2 per cent of the prime time audience to Nine's 23.0 per cent. Seven will split tonight with Ten, and will win the week.

What Australia watched, Tuesday
1. Dancing With The Stars (7) 1.81m
2. All Saints (7) 1.39m
3. Seven news (7) 1.31m
4. Today Tonight (7) 1.22
5. Home and Away (7) 1.15
6. A Current Affair (9) 1.15
7. Nine news (9) 1.13
8. NCIS (10) 1.10.
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

Yesterday this column raised a mystery for the experts on subscription television to solve: Why the massively publicised new Australian drama Dangerous was missing from the top ten most watched shows on Pay TV last week (see chart below) and why OzTAM showed it at number 98, with 21,900 viewers across a continent where supposedly five million people have access to Pay TV. Apparently a new episode of a critically acclaimed innovative crime thriller gets only a third of the audience of an episode of NCIS that has already been shown on broadcast TV.

It beggars belief that Dangerous could be so unpopular, and we must question OzTAM's measurements. We hate to cast nasturtiums at innocent technology, but could OzTAM's computer be naively averaging the figures for Dangerous across every showing in the week, so that if, say, it gets 55,000 viewers the first time it's on, then 8,000 the second time, and 2,000 the third time, it ends up seeming to have only 22,000 viewers?

Foxtel is notoriously secretive about its viewing figures, but this time Foxtel should speak up, notify OzTAM about this computer silliness and release the correct figure. Unless, of course, Dangerous really is an embarrassing flop.

Now we have more data to add. Last night Dangerous got 39,287 viewers for its first showing on Fox 8, and 19,875 for its second showing on Fox 8 plus two. This would seem to confirm our theory. But still we hear nothing from Foxtel.

What Australia watched on Pay TV, week ending February 17
1 LIVE: CRICKET: CHAPPELL-HADLEE TROPHY FOX Sports 3 95,200; 2 LIVE: RUGBY UNION: S14 REDS V BRUMBIES FOX Sports 3 86,000; 3 LIVE: FOOTBALL: A-LEAGUE PRELIM FINAL FOX Sports 3 77,500; 4 NCIS TV1 68,600; 5 BORDER SECURITY Lifestyle 65,200; 6 WENDY WU: HOMECOMING WARRIOR Disney Channel 59,300; 7 WAKING THE DEAD UKTV 55,800; 8 LIVE: RUGBY UNION: S14 HURR V BLUES FOX Sports 3 55,700; 9 WWE RAW FOX8 53,600; 10 SKY HIGH (movie) Disney Channel 51,500. (OzTAM estimates)

Updated 10 am Tuesday Feb 20
Eddie is sinking slowly -- 1 vs 100 last night was down 50,000 on last week. But the Despos are sinking faster -- down 100,000 on last week. Even the SBS champion, Top Gear, was down 20,000 to 690,000. Apparently a lot of Australians had something better to do than watch TV last night, which was won by Channel Seven. Viewers aged 18-49 behaved differently from older viewers, with these preferences: 1. Desperate Housewives; 2 The Biggest Loser - Elimination; 3. Bondi Rescue; 4 Brothers & Sisters; 5 Supernatural. So Supernatural is probably safe from Ten's executioner, who will be looking more closely at The Con Test tomorrow.

What Australia watched, Monday
1. Desperate Housewives Seven 1.463m
2. Seven News Seven 1.415
3. Today Tonight Seven 1.399
4. 1 vs 100 Nine 1.282
5. Home and Away Seven 1.205
6. Nine News Nine 1.164
7. The Rich List Seven 1.163
8. The Biggest Loser Ten 1.155
9. A Current Affair Nine 1.105
10. Bondi Rescue Ten 1.085
11. ABC News ABC 1.056
12. Brothers & Sisters Seven 1.029
13. CSI: NY Nine 0.992
14. Motorway Patrol Nine 0.977
15. The Code Nine 0.971
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

Updated 10 am Monday February 19
Channel Seven seems to have broken Channel Nine's traditional stranglehold on Sunday nights. By targeting female viewers with material that would also appeal to young males, Seven averaged 33.3 per cent of the prime time audience to Nine's 26.2 per cent. In the process Channel Ten was left a smoking ruin, with its 16.8 per cent falling behind the ABC's amazing 18.5 (thanks to Foyle and Attenborough). SBS picked up the scraps at 5.3 per cent.

Ugly Betty will lose viewers every time 60 Minutes can break some news, but with Seven now dominant also on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays, it's hard to imagine any scenario whereby Nine can win this year.To discuss candidates for Australia's National Simile and National Metaphor, go to WHO WE ARE.

What Australia watched, Sunday
1 UGLY BETTY Seven 2,031,000 Syd 547,000 Mel 636,000 Bris 354,000 Ad 207,000 Per 287,000
2 GREY'S ANATOMY Seven 1,705,000 482,000 547,000 304,000 152,000 220,000
3 AUSTRALIA'S GOT TALENT Seven 1,629,000 411,000 482,000 319,000 195,000 222,000 4 SEVEN NEWS SUN Seven 1,430,000 356,000 432,000 307,000 143,000 192,000
5 CSI EP2 Nine 1,352,000 377,000 423,000 220,000 167,000 166,000
6 CSI EP1 Nine 1,319,000 365,000 410,000 239,000 148,000 158,000
7 NINE NEWS SUNDAY Nine 1,190,000 280,000 401,000 209,000 200,000 100,000
8 FOYLE'S WAR ABC 1,140,000 359,000 324,000 171,000 124,000 162,000
9 60 MINUTES Nine 1,101,000 276,000 330,000 225,000 129,000 141,000
10 20 TO 1 Nine 1,030,000 227,000 326,000 235,000 140,000 103,000
11 ABC NEWS-SUN ABC 1,001,000 270,000 310,000 195,000 113,000 113,000
12 PLANET EARTH ABC 977,000 289,000 298,000 159,000 112,000 119,000
13 WHAT ABOUT BRIAN Seven 941,000 268,000 326,000 150,000 95,000 102,000
14 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE Ten 939,000 253,000 265,000 197,000 103,000 122,000
15 THE BIGGEST LOSER WEIGH-IN Ten 898,000 234,000 226,000 224,000 119,000 94,000
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

Updated 10 am Sunday February 18
Never say Australians are shallow people who seek only escapism when they watch TV. In fact, they have an incisive interest in current events. The most popular program for last week was Monday's episode of Today Tonight, in which a former friend of the Corby family made allegations about Schapelle's sister Mercedes. Across the mainland capitals it was watched by 2.1 million people, and in Sydney by 628,000.

Sadly this passion for the issues of our time had died down by Friday -- the ABC's debate between the NSW Priema and Opposition leader Silas Debnam drew just 273,000 in Sydney, which made it the ABC's number two show of Friday (after Dalziel and Pascoe on 336,000). That was up 6,000 on the previous week's audience for Collectors, the program usually in that slot.

In deciding whether to hold another debate, the ABC might be influenced by the revelation that Friday's performance had a tightly focussed niche market: 169,000 (two thirds) of its viewers were over 55. So the pollies did tempt a few seniors away from Channel Nine.

Back in the world of escapism, the numbers in the ratings chart below would have been a lot bigger if the networks had not decided to put all their best eggs into the 8.30pm Wednesday basket. Heroes, which started with 2.1 million this year, managed only 1.32m because it was up against House, which managed only 1.24m -- down 600,000 on its standard for 2006. And Cold Case, which has risen as high as 1.5 million in past years, managed only 1.04m. The ABC's Wednesday contender, Spicks and Specks, drew 995,000, of whom 354,000 were in Sydney. Clearly Silas and the Priema need to forget water supplies and start asking each other questions about pop music. Disaster of the week was Ten's game show, The Con Test, which slumped from its opening million to just 692,000.

Channel Seven won the week, averaging 29.0 per cent of the prime time audience. Nine was close behind with 28.9 per cent, but this week it won't have a cricket final to boost its numbers.

What Australia watched, week ending February 17
1 NINE NEWS SUNDAY Nine 1,927,000
2 ONE DAY CRICKET AUS V ENGLAND FINAL SESSION 2 Nine 1,583,000
3 DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES Seven 1,567,000
4 RPA Nine 1,543,0005 ONE DAY CRICKET - AUS V ENGLAND - FINAL SESSION 1 Nine 1,506,000
6 SEVEN NEWS - SUN Seven 1,490,000
7 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,475,000
8 BORDER SECURITY (Rpt) Seven 1,453,000
9 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,374,000
10 1 VS 100 Nine 1,334,000
11 HEROES Seven 1,323,000
12 MISSING PERSONS UNIT Nine 1,318,000
13 LOST Seven 1,312,000
14 SCU: SERIOUS CRASH UNIT Seven 1,304,000
15 THE BIGGEST LOSER (AUS) - THE WEIGH-IN Ten 1,258,000
16 HOUSE Ten 1,237,000
17 M-SHALL WE DANCE Seven 1,225,000
18 BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS Seven 1,218,000
19 THE BIGGEST LOSER (AUS) - ELIMINATION Ten 1,204,000
20 NINE NEWS SATURDAY Nine 1,199,000
21 BROTHERS & SISTERS Seven 1,192,000
22 WHERE ARE THEY NOW Seven 1,173,000
23 THE RICH LIST Seven 1,167,000
24 MOTORWAY PATROL Nine 1,150,000
25 MCLEOD'S DAUGHTERS Nine 1,147,000
26 NINE NEWS Nine 1,140,000
27 M-PRINCESS DIARIES 2 Seven 1,139,000
28 BONDI RESCUE Ten 1,138,000
29 MY NAME IS EARL Seven 1,137,000
30 NCIS Ten 1,133,000
(OzTAM mainland capitals)
David Dale is the author of The Little Book of Australia -- A snapshot of who we are (Allen and Unwin). For daily updates on Australian attitudes, bookmark blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 12:01 AM
• Comments (204)

WHO WE ARE: Cut and come again

A column about Australia, by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald 18/2/2007
You've no doubt noticed in recent months the rise of a mode of speech we'll have to call "the unfinished simile". People now say things are "smooth as", "boring as", "sick as" or "funny as" without bothering to complete the concept. It's a verbal shorthand which avoids both the embarrassment of repeating a cliche and the challenge of coming up with a fresh comparison.

Labour-saving it might be, but as far as I'm concerned it's unAustralian. Vigorous metaphors and similes are a glorious tradition in this country, as demonstrated recently by Kevin Rudd when he speculated that Sheik Taj el-Hilaly might be "a few sandwiches short of a picnic". Rudd could have taken the lazy course and just called the sheik "mental as", but instead he drew on a treasure trove of imagery that includes "a few bricks short of a load", "lights on but nobody's home", "not playing with a full deck" and "roos loose in the top paddock".

Australians have always been adept at turning a phrase, and the rise of the unfinished simile puts us in danger of losing this part of our heritage. Here's a way to prevent linguistic atrophy: in the same way as we've declared The National Flower (the golden wattle), The National Gemstone (the opal) and National Colours (green and gold), lets declare a National Metaphor and a National Simile.

The National Comparison, prime candidates:
Flash as a rat with a gold tooth
All over her like a cheap suit
As ugly as a hatful of arseholes
Up that like a rat up a drainpipe
Driving the porcelain bus (or technicolour yawn)
Waddya think this is - bush week?
A basket case (or cot case)
Putting some zeds in the air
All over the place like a mad woman's knitting (or dog's breakfast)
Bangs like a dunny door in a gale
Hanging around like a bad smell.

All are worthy contenders, but my favourite is a metaphor created in the year 1918 by the artist and writer Norman Lindsay, which became so widely used that it ended up with its own entry in the Macquarie Dictionary (defined as "endlessly renewable resource"). Lindsay said his creation operated on two rules: 1) "The more you eats, the more you gets. Cut and come again is his name, and cut and come again is his nature"; 2) If you want to change his flavour, just whistle three times and turn the basin round. Then he'll encourage you to "eat away, chew away, munch and bolt and guzzle. Never leave the table till you're full up to the muzzle."

We're talking, of course, about The Magic Pudding. The world, said Lindsay, is divided into Puddin' Owners and Puddin' Thieves. Paul Keating used to call John Howard a Puddin' Thief, and accused the Liberal Party of repeatedly using Telstra as a Magic Pudding, "from which they could cut a slice to pay for their election commitments." More recently environmentalists have argued that we treat this continent as if it were a Magic Pudding, and thus are exhausting its resources.

So the phrase "a Magic Pudding" is itself a magic pudding, able to be drawn on again and again whenever a politician needs a rhetorical flourish. Lets declare it The National Metaphor.

Or do you have a better idea? Give us your nominations below.

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. For further observations of Australian attitudes and behaviour, go to www.smh.com.au/tribalmind.

• by David Dale in Who We Are at 01:03 PM
• Comments (75)

The Tribal Mind: Week 7

This blog is now a heritage item -- worth studying but no longer current. To join the latest discussion on media and popular culture, go to www.smh.com.au/tribalmind.
Updated 10 am Friday February 16
Lost's 2007 season launch on Thursday night was 800,000 down on its 2006 season launch. That may be a clue to the number of Australians who have already found ways to watch the American episodes (illegally) on the internet and therefore don't need to see it again on broadcast TV. Even so, Lost was number one with viewers aged 18-49 (with Earl number two). Channel Seven may be rethinking its decision to fill the 7.30 pm slot with How I Met Your Mother, which gets Thursdays off to a very weak start.

What Australia watched, Thursday
1 RPA Nine 1,551,000
2 LOST Seven 1,312,000
3 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,308,000
4 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,300,000
5 MISSING PERSONS UNIT Nine 1,295,000
6 MY NAME IS EARL Seven 1,137,000
7 A CURRENT AFFAIR Nine 1,100,000
8 NINE NEWS Nine 1,090,000
9 THE BIGGEST LOSER (AUS) Ten 1,047,000
10 GETAWAY Nine 1,021,000
11 HOME AND AWAY Seven 999,000
12 LAW AND ORDER: SVU Ten 989,000
13 SAVING BABIES Ten 980,000
14 LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT Ten 968,000
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

To nominate candidates for the National Simile and the National Metaphor, go to WHO WE ARE.

Updated 10 am Thursday February 15
Was anyone in Australia not watching television or recording television between 8.30 and 9.30 on Wednesday? On SBS, a documentary on how America got stuck in Iraq, called The Power of Nightmares, attracted 212,000 in the mainland capitals. On the ABC, Spicks and Specks drew 995,000 and Extras drew 777,000. On Nine, Cold Case drew 1.04 million. On Ten, House drew 1.24 million. And on Seven, Heroes drew 1.32 million. Any of the last three would pull more than 1.5 million if shown without competition.

But it was a different story at 7.30. Ten's new game show, The Con Test, which opened last week with a million viewers, sank to 692,000. Ten will be urging the makers of Thank God You're Here to hurry up with this year's series. Will The Con Test last even one more week?

What Australia watched, Wednesday
1. Border Security repeat Seven 1.453m
2. Today Tonight Seven 1.385
3. Heroes Seven 1.323
4. SCU: Serious Crash Unit Seven 1.304
5. Seven News Seven 1.278
6. House Ten 1.237
7. McLeod's Daughters Nine 1.148
8. A Current Affair Nine 1.086
9. Home and Away Seven 1.086
10. Prison Break Seven 1.076m

What Australia watched, Tuesday
Description Network Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,504,000 381,000 421,000 320,000 158,000 225,000
2 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,433,000 346,000 375,000 298,000 177,000 238,000
3 M-SHALL WE DANCE Seven 1,225,000 390,000 369,000 217,000 116,000 134,000
4 A CURRENT AFFAIR Nine 1,190,000 315,000 370,000 249,000 145,000 112,000
5 HOME AND AWAY Seven 1,187,000 339,000 326,000 232,000 128,000 161,000
6 NINE NEWS Nine 1,161,000 314,000 386,000 230,000 143,000 88,000
7 NCIS Ten 1,133,000 281,000 327,000 253,000 133,000 140,000
8 THE ALL NEW SIMPSONS Ten 1,110,000 291,000 326,000 222,000 154,000 117,000
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

And Bert Newton's 20 to 1 managed only 981,000, after averaging 1.3 million last year. This was against no competition, which is an unfortuante omen for next week, when it will be against the new season of Dancing With The Stars.

Tonight every home needs four television sets, each attached to a recording device. There's a brilliant episode of Cold Case on Nine at 8.30, Heroes on Seven, House on Ten, and Extras on the ABC at 9pm. Which will you choose?

Updated 10 am Tuesday February 13
An alleged revelation about the family of Schappelle Corby gave Today Tonight a record audience last night. It overshadowed such other details as the small slippage for Eddie McGuire, the larger slippage for Andrew O'Keefe, the largest slippage for Brothers and Sisters, and the expanding audience for The Biggest Loser.

For viewers aged 18-49, the most watched shows were 1 Desperate Housewives, 2 Today Tonight, 3 Brothers and Sisters, 4 The Biggest Loser, 5 Bondi Rescue, 6 Home and Away, 7 1 vs 100, 8 Supernatural (which totalled 883,000). Now here are the ratings for the mainland capitals audience aged 0 to 100:
What Australia watched, Monday
1 Today Tonight (7) 2.02m
2 Seven News (7) 1.58m
3 Desperate Housewives (7) 1.57m
4 1 vs 100 (9) 1.34m
5 Nine News (9) 1.30m
6 Home and Away (7) 1.25m
7 The Biggest Loser (10) 1.20m
8 Brothers and Sisters (7) 1.19m
9 The Rich List (7) 1.17m
10 Bondi Rescue (10) 1.14m
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

Updated 10 am Monday February 12
We're a nation ravaged by internal division, torn asunder by differences based on gender and age. And it's all the fault of the TV networks. Fortunately most Australian households have more than two TV sets, otherwise there'd be warfare over the remote every night.

The networks' decision to get into niche marketing this year will have this result: Nine will be watched by people over 50 (POFs); Ten will be watched by people under 30 (PUTs); and Seven will be watched by middle-aged women (MAWs), especially on "beautiful" Sundays. The niches will break ranks only on Wednesdays, when some of the PUTs will shift to Seven for Heroes and Prison Break, while some of the MAWs will shift to Ten for House and to Nine for McLeod's Daughters.

Now these are not precisely the niches the networks are aiming for. Ten says it wants everybody aged between 18 and 49. Seven wants everybody between 25 and 54. And Nine will only maintain its number one position if it can appeal to every conceivable demographic. But the niches they are actually getting are turning out a little differently from the networks' dreams.

The official ratings season hadn't even started last week, but already the social segregation is apparent. The table below can be sliced thus: The PUTs watched Heroes, Desperate Housewives, NCIS, The Biggest Loser, My Name Is Earl and The OC. The POFs preferred Foyle's War, Nine Sunday news, 1 vs 100, Dalziel and Pascoe, Border Patrol NZ, Planet Earth and Cold Case. The MAWs preferred Brothers and Sisters, Desperate Housewives, House, The Biggest Loser, Medium and The Rich List. The gaps will grow into chasms as the official schedule settles in.

To vote for what should be our national song, go to WHO WE ARE.

What Australia watched, Sunday
1 NINE NEWS SUNDAY Nine 1,885,000; 2 ONE DAY CRICKET - AUS V ENGLAND - 2ND FINAL SESSION 2 Nine 1,710,000; 3 SEVEN NEWS - SUN Seven 1,486,000; 4 ONE DAY CRICKET - AUS V ENG - 2ND FINAL SESSION 1 Nine 1,393,000; 5 THE BIGGEST LOSER (AUS) - THE WEIGH-IN Ten 1,258,000.
What Australia watched, week ending February 10
1 ONE DAY CRICKET - AUS V NZ GAME 11 SESSION 2 Nine 1,800,000
2 NINE NEWS SUNDAY Nine 1,747,000
3 ONE DAY CRICKET - AUS V ENG - 1ST FINAL SESSION 2 Nine 1,623,000
4 HOUSE Ten 1,584,000
5 DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES Seven 1,534,0006 HEROES Seven 1,500,000
7 NCIS Ten 1,466,000
8 BROTHERS & SISTERS Seven 1,437,000
9 1 VS 100 Nine 1,434,000
10 THE RICH LIST Seven 1,396,000
11 SCU: SERIOUS CRASH UNIT Seven 1,341,000
12 SEVEN NEWS - SUNDAY Seven 1,337,000
13 BORDER PATROL NZ Seven 1,328,000
14 BORDER SECURITY (Rpt) Seven 1,295,000
15 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,289,000
16 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,283,000
17 SCU: SERIOUS CRASH UNIT (R) Seven 1,240,000
18 ONE DAY CRICKET - AUS V NZ - GAME 11 SESSION 1 Nine 1,239,000
19 NINE NEWS Nine 1,228,000
20 MCLEOD'S DAUGHTERS Nine 1,180,000
21 LAW AND ORDER: SVU Ten 1,179,000
22 A CURRENT AFFAIR Nine 1,173,000
23 THE BIGGEST LOSER (AUS) - LAUNCH Ten 1,166,000
24 COLD CASE Nine 1,160,000
25 ZOO TALES Seven 1,156,000
26 MY NAME IS EARL Seven 1,142,000
27 MY NAME IS EARL-ADULTS ONLY Seven 1,122,000
28 HOME AND AWAY Seven 1,116,000
29 RPA Nine QUERIED (Nine to notify OzTAM)
30 MISSING PERSONS UNIT Nine QUERIED (Nine to notify OzTAM)
30 PRISON BREAK - ON THE RUN Seven 1,097,000
31 BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS Rpt Seven 1,094,000
32 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,077,000
33 LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT Ten 1,067,000
34 MOTORWAY PATROL Nine 1,062,000
(OzTAM mainland capitals)

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. For further observations of Australian attitudes and behaviour, go to www.smh.com.au/tribalmind.

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 10:19 AM
• Comments (167)

WHO WE ARE: Head full of zombie

A column about Australia, by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 11/02/2007
It seems unlikely that Senator Amanda Vanstone will capture the hearts of Australians with the attempt at a national song she revealed last week. For a start, it is set to the tune of that British hymn to imperialism, Land of Hope and Glory. The notoriously republican Vanstone probably considers this an example of irony, but it will simply sound stodgy to most Australians under the age of 75. And secondly, lyrics such as "shining light for freedom", "valiant into battle", and "nature's earthly heaven" would be too cringe-making even for an anthem, let alone for a song to be used on informal occasions.

Until now, our national song has been Waltzing Matilda, which contains no embarrassing boasts about supposed national talents (unless you count sheep-stealing and suicide). It's a rollicking tale ideally suited to the pioneering phase of our development, but largely incomprehensible nowadays.

In my view, a national song should leave pomposity to the anthem and display our virtues only by implication. We need lyrics which make it apparent that the best quality of Australians is our sense of humour. These would be my eight candidates, and I'd like to get your vote on which is best:

Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport. This would have been the obvious winner, except for the recent confession by Rolf Harris that he is ashamed of the original version, because it contained this verse: "Let me Abos go loose, Bruce. Let me Abos go loose. They're of no further use, Bruce. Let me Abos go loose." Although Harris no longer performs that version, the remaining bush imagery may not be relevant on a continent where 85 per cent of the populace live within 50 km of the sea.

Down Under. A backpacker finds that the land where women glow and men chunder is so fashionable in Europe that a man in Brussels gives him a Vegemite sandwich. It's a cute twist on traditional stereotypes, but the drug reference ("head full of zombie") might lose votes with older Australians.

The Sounds of Then. The narrator reminisces about sitting on a patio breathing the humidity and watching the lightning over the cane fields. He laughs and says "This is Australia". May be too Queensland-oriented to have national appeal.

Shaddup You Face. An immigrant recalls his mother's irritation whenever he expressed nostalgia for his homeland. She tells him Australia is not so bad -- in fact, it's a nice-a-place. Despite her odd pronunciation, she'd have a better chance of passing the government's Australian Values test than he would.

The Pub with no Beer. Various outback characters -- stockman, boss, swagman, blacksmith -- whinge that there is nothing so lonesome, morbid or drear as a bar which only serves wine and spirits. May not be relevant to modern drinking patterns.

I've Been Everywhere, Man. The narrator offers an introduction to Australian geography in a list beginning with Tullamore, Seymour, Lismore and Mooloolaba. Crowds attempting to perform it on public occasions might prefer the version by Norman Gunston, who listed only Wollongong and Dapto.

Australiana. Written by Billy "12th Man" Birmingham and performed by Austen Tayshus, this is not so much a song as a collection of puns (Marsu pee, Al; go, Anna; cossie, Oscar, etc), but it portrays a classic Aussie barbecue.

Neighbours. The most suburbanised nation on earth only needs a little understanding to find the perfect blend. And mostly, we have.

Register your vote, or add your new nomination, below.

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. To join a daily discussion of Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

• by David Dale in Who We Are at 11:15 PM
• Comments (62)

Culture: The mystery of the missing music

If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world? Those are the most familiar song lyrics in Australia this month. They were heard at the end of the cliffhanger episode of Grey's Anatomy last year, and they've been endlessly played on the radio and downloaded from websites ever since. But the popularity of the song with Australians is not being registered in the charts published by the Australian Record Industry Association.

A thoughtful reader of The Tribal Mind, Alex Malik, has been researching this anomaly, and has kindly provided this report:

Normally, we use the ARIA singles and albums charts to determine the most
popular songs in Australia at a particular time. However, this summer that exercise would have been very misleading.

The biggest hit of the summer is Chasing Cars by English band Snow
Patrol. The song is one of the most played songs on Australian radio, heard everywhere from Triple J to Mix 106. The melodic rock ballad was heard by 1.8
million Australians over the closing credits of the Grey's Anatomy season finale, as well as in ER, The 4400 and One Tree Hill.

"Chasing Cars" has been the most or second most downloaded song from authorised Australian services for the past 14 weeks. Yet an examination of the official ARIA singles chart finds that the track is nowhere in the national top 50. Further it has NEVER appeared in the ARIA national top 50 singles chart. How can this be?

Simply, "Chasing Cars" has not been released in Australia as a CD single. It
is only available as a digital download and under ARIA chart eligibility
rules, songs are not eligible to enter the ARIA singles chart if they are
digital-only singles. They are only eligible to enter the lower profile
"Digital Track Chart", not the national singles chart used for TV and radio
countdown programs. Further, no matter how popular the song, it can't be
certified gold or platinum. Indeed, when music historians look at the
Australian music charts in the summer of 07, it will be as if Snow Patrol's
Chasing Cars never happened.

While Australian record companies claim to have adopted the so-called
digital revolution, ARIA's chart rules discriminate against digital
downloads. Under the rules, which are approved by Australia's record
companies through a "chart committee", unless a song is available as a
physical CD single, digital sales simply don't count.

Why are digital only singles discriminated against? No one outside the ARIA
inner sanctum knows how many authorised Snow Patrol downloads were sold last
week or this summer. It's an industry secret. Could it be that a #1 digital
only single might only appear at #5, or #10, or #15 on a combined digital
and physical chart? If so, would this demonstrate that the Australian
authorised digital download market is not nearly as developed as the Oz
recording industry would like us to believe?

ARIA told us "digital sales have contributed to very significant gains for
the industry in recent times". So why discriminate against a recording act
that has genuinely embraced the digital revolution? The answer may be
simple, and may come down to good old fashioned recording industry self
interest.

Australian consumers who want a physical CD copy of Chasing Cars have 3
choices. They can buy a physical CD import from the UK or elsewhere at high
cost, or they can "burn" a CD copy after obtaining a digital download, which
is an action which despite (or because of) recent legislative amendments
still raises substantial legal uncertainties in Australia. Finally consumers
can purchase the Snow Patrol CD album . just to obtain one song . any many
already have. This takes us back to the ARIA charts. Snow Patrol's album
"Eyes Open" is triple platinum and sits at #1 on the ARIA albums chart after
over 5 months.

Of course record companies wouldn't want consumers to spend $20, or $25, or
$30 to obtain a physical copy of just one song. Would they?

(For the most played albums of all time, go to The music Australia loved. To discuss what should be our national song, go to WHO WE ARE.)

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. For further observations of Australian attitudes and behaviour, go to www.smh.com.au/tribalmind.

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 11:21 AM
• Comments (15)

The Ratings Race: Week 6

This blog is now a heritage item - worth reading but no longer current. To join the latest discussion on media trends, go to www.smh.com.au/tribalmind.
Updated 10 am Friday February 9
On Thursday night Channel Nine stopped Seven's great leap forward, as the over-40s rushed to watch RPA and MPU in preference to the fake naughtiness of Mother and the trailer trashery of Earl. With viewers under 40, the two Earls were the number 1 and 2 most watched shows, and The Biggest Loser won its timeslot (so it's not the flop it seems from the chart below) . Everybody should have been watching the environment debate between Turnbull and Garrett on The 7.30 Report, but they weren't.
What Australia watched, Thursday
1 RPA Nine 1,554,000; 2 MISSING PERSONS UNIT Nine 1,375,000; 3 LAW AND ORDER: SVU Ten 1,179,000; 4 A CURRENT AFFAIR Nine 1,177,000; 5 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,157,000; 6 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,148,000 294,000; 7 MY NAME IS EARL Seven 1,142,000; 8 EARL - ADULTS ONLY Seven 1,122,000; 9 NINE NEWS Nine 1,094,000 10 HOME AND AWAY Seven 1,085,000; 11 L&O: CRIMINAL INTENT Ten 1,067,000; 12 GETAWAY Nine 1,042,000; 13 JAMIE AT HOME Ten 1,018,000 14 HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER Seven 1,018,000 15 ABC NEWS ABC 928,000; 16 LOST (Rehash) Seven 894,000 17 7.30 REPORT ABC 878,000; 18 TEMPTATION Nine 877,000; 19 THE BIGGEST LOSER (AUS) Ten 876,000; 20 NEWS AT FIVE Ten 847,000. (OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals).

That's what Australians do when they stay in. To learn what they do when they go out, click on www.smh.com.au/tribalmind. To discuss what should be our national song, go to WHO WE ARE.

Updated 10 am Thursday February 8
House was the most popular drama on Australian television last year. Heroes was the hottest drama on the box last week. On Wednesday night they went head to head. This is how viewers made the agonising choice ...
What Australia watched, Wednesday
1. House Ten 1.581
2. Heroes Seven 1.500
3. SCU: Serious Crash Unit Seven 1.341
4. Seven News Seven 1.307
5. Border Security Seven 1.295
6. Today Tonight Seven 1.259
7. Nine News Nine 1.239
8. A Current Affair Nine 1.190
9. McLeod's Daughters Nine 1.181
10. Cold Case Nine 1.168
11. Prison Break Seven 1.097
12. Home and Away Seven 1.093
13. Without A Trace Nine 1.060
14. ABC News ABC 1.026
15. The Con Test Ten 1.009
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

The electorate split by age. Heroes was the most watched show of the night with viewers aged 16-39, who also loved Prison Break and The Con Test. The over 50s watched Cold Case and Without A Trace. Seven had the highest prime time "all people" share for the night, but Nine is ahead for the week because the cricket on Sunday gave it a huge head start.

Next week the agony will be worsened when the ABC puts the new season of Extras against Greg and Hiro. After that, the battleground will be Sunday nights, when Seven has decided to tackle Nine's flagships 60 Minutes and CSI. The strategy is to capture the young (as in, under 50) and the female, leaving Nine as the station for grumpy old men.

Seven's Sunday lineup from Feb 18:
6:30pm Australia's Got Talent
7:30pm Ugly Betty
8:30pm Grey's Anatomy
9:30pm What About Brian? (sexy dramedy)
And Tuesday Feb 20 is night one of the new season Dancing with the Stars.

Updated 10 am Wednesday February 7
Channel Ten won last Tuesday with its new target audience -- viewers aged between 18 and 49. This is how that age band spent the evening: 1 NCIS (10); 2 The Biggest Loser (10); 3 The Simpsons Ep2 (10); 4 The Simpsons Ep1 (10); 5 The O.C. (10); 6 SCU: Serious Crash Unit (7); 7 Border Patrol NZ (7); 8. Home and Away (7); 9 Nine News (9); 10 A Current Affair (9). Note that it isn't just kiddies who love The Simpsons, and it isn't just teenagers who love The OC.

Compare this with the viewing habits of the entire population (including under 16s and over 50s) on Tuesday: 1 NCIS (10) 1,466,000; 2 BORDER PATROL NZ (7) 1,328,000; 3 SEVEN NEWS (7) 1,303,000; 4 TODAY TONIGHT (7) 1,245,000; 5 SCU: SERIOUS CRASH UNIT (7) 1,240,000; 6 NINE NEWS (9) 1,218,000; 7 A CURRENT AFFAIR (9) 1,217,000; 8 HOME AND AWAY (9) 1,161,000; 9 THE BIGGEST LOSER (AUS) (10) 1,069,000; 10 ONE DAY CRICKET - ENG V NZ - GAME 12 SESSION 2 (9) 998,000. (OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals).

Split down the middle. That was the televiewing audience on Monday night. Young women watched The Biggest Loser, Desperate Housewives and Brothers and Sisters. Old men watched 1 vs 100.

Eddie McGuire lost half a million viewers, most of them female, but retained enough to ensure his longevity as host. Andrew O'Keefe kept almost all his audience for The Rich List. Surprisingly few watched Nine's attempts to capture the Border Security market: Motorway Patrol and The Code. Brothers and Sisters was the most watched show of the night with women aged 25 to 54. And on SBS, Top Gear boosted its audience to 719,000 (mostly men 18-49).

What Australia watched, Monday
1 DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (7) 1,533,839
2 TODAY TONIGHT (7) 1,486,378
3 SEVEN NEWS (7) 1,458,739
4 BROTHERS & SISTERS (7) 1,437,403
5 1 VS 100 (9) 1,428,820
6 THE RICH LIST (7) 1,395,709
7 HOME AND AWAY (7) 1,248,388
8 NINE NEWS (9) 1,217,065
9 A CURRENT AFFAIR (9) 1,128,166
10 THE BIGGEST LOSER - AUS (10) 1,077,695
11 MOTORWAY PATROL (9) 1,056,271
12 ABC NEWS (ABC) 1,008,890
13 THE CODE: CRIME & JUSTICE (9) 1,001,541
14 BONDI RESCUE (10) 987,222
15 TEN NEWS AT FIVE (10) 928,321
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

Updated 5pm Monday February 5
James Bond will beat the penguins in total box office. Kids love to see their favourite flicks satirised. Will Ferrell and Idi Amin have negative charisma to the same extent that Will Smith, Renee Zellwegger and Denzel Washington have positive charisma. Those are some conclusions you might draw from the cinema takings last weekend. And Al Gore has more charisma than anybody thought. His An Inconvenient Truth has just entered the top-selling DVD chart.

The films we're seeing
1 EPIC MOVIE $1,116,428 last weekend $4,970,668 total
2 MISS POTTER 1,032,027 3,298,696
3 DEJA VU 1,000,712 7,241,135
4 THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS 947,781 11,637,339
5 STRANGER THAN FICTION 772,756 814,878
6 DREAMGIRLS 594,525 3,675,306
7 THE QUEEN 450,000 7,060,374
8 CASINO ROYALE 450,475 31,217,357
9 NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 430,225 23,326,217
11 HAPPY FEET 417,390 30,824,591
13 THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND 316,264 383,652
15 PERFUME: THE STORY OF A MURDERER 175,598 232,362
(MPDAA, Thursday to Sunday Feb 4)

The games we're playing
1 World of Warcraft: Burning Crusade (PC/Mac)
2 Warioware Smooth Moves (Nintendo Wii)
3 Lost Planet (Xbox 360)
4 World of Warcraft (PC/Mac)
5 Guitar Hero 2 Bundle (PlayStation 2).
6 Need For Speed Carbon (PlayStation 2)
7 Gears of War (Xbox 360)
8 New Super Mario Bros (Nintendo DS)
9 Cricket 2007 (Playstation 2)
10 WWE Smackdown vs Raw 07 (PlayStation 2)
(GfK Marketing, week to Jan 28)

Top selling DVDs
1 DIRTY DANCING 15TH ANNIVERSARY EDITION
2 TALLADEGA NIGHTS THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY
3 STEP UP
4 MONSTER HOUSE
5 RESERVOIR DOGS
6 AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH
7 GREYS ANATOMY SEASON 2
8 ICE AGE 2 SD
9 KENNY
10 PRINCESS BRIDE
(GfK Marketing, week to February 2)

Australia's passion for the thwack of leather on willow screws up the best-laid plans of TV programmers. Planet Earth was the ABC's most watched show in 2006, but its relaunch on Sunday drew only 1.03 million in the mainland capitals. The Biggest Loser (Australia) was one of Channel Ten's hits of 2006, but its relaunch drew only 1.17 million. What went wrong? The evening cricket match between Australia and New Zealand drew 1.78 million to Channel Nine. (But Ten points out that TBL reached its target audience very effectively -- "Half of the women aged 18-49 watching commercial television tuned into The Biggest Loser during the show's timeslot".)

Updated 10 am Sunday February 4
The CEO of Channel Nine may have expected to be the conquering hero of the week, leading his network out of the wilderness with a wonderful new game show. But it turned into a week of many heroes, including Roger Federer, Steve Irwin, Andrew O'Keefe, the Australian cricket team and a teleporting Japanese geek whose name happens to be Hiro.

Will and Grace won their timeslot but were not among the champions, with their last episode of all time drawing a mere 1.1 million. Among the biggest losers was Jack Bauer, whose 24 could manage only 857,000, despite being subtitled "A new beginning". But at least he beat Allison Dubois, whose return in Medium pulled 847,000. Of course, all losses and gains are relative. SBS pulled 620,000 for Top Gear, which was pure heroism against Steve and Andrew.

This week Mr McGuire takes on Ms Vanderkamp, Hiro takes on grumpy Greg, Jack retreats to 10.30, and, best news of all, we get another look at Kate, Sun, Jack, Sayid, John and Sawyer, even if Earl has bumped them back to 9.10pm on Thursday. We'd be interested to hear (below) your predictions for this week's audiences of The Rich List, Desperate Housewives, 1vs 100, House, Heroes, Prison Break, Lost and Brothers and Sisters.

Here's how viewers sifted through what turned out to be the opening week of the ratings year ...

What Australia watched, week to February 3
1 TENNIS: AUST OPEN MEN'S FINAL Seven 2,442,000
2 HEROES Seven 2,109,000
3 1 VS 100 Nine 1,951,000
4 NINE NEWS SUNDAY Nine 1,778,000
5 OCEAN'S DEADLIEST Nine 1,679,000
6 ONE DAY CRICKET - AUS V NZ - GAME 8 SESSION 1 Nine 1,590,000
7 AIR CRASH INVESTIGATIONS Seven 1,584,000
8 THE RICH LIST-TUES Seven 1,556,000
9 SEVEN NEWS - SUN Seven 1,424,000
10 THE RICH LIST - MON Seven 1,407,000
11 NCIS Ten 1,396,000
12 ONE DAY CRICKET - AUS V ENGLAND - GAME 10 SESSION 2 Nine 1,390,000
13 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,347,000
14 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,322,000
15 LAW AND ORDER: SVU Ten 1,318,000
16 HOME AND AWAY Seven 1,315,000
17 ONE DAY CRICKET - AUSTRALIA V NEW ZEALAND - GAME 8 SESSION 2 Nine 1,305,000
18 PRISON BREAK - ON THE RUN Seven 1,226,000
19 NINE NEWS Nine 1,196,000
20 NINE NEWS SATURDAY Nine 1,166,000
(OzTAM mainland capitals)

The archivists at Seven report that Heroes had the third best debut for a drama on Australian television since the introduction of the people meter ratings measurement system in 1991. These were the top debuts of all time:
1. Desperate Housewives (7) 2.484 million in 2005.
2 Lost (7) 2.346m in 2005.
3 Heroes (7) 2.109m in 2007.
4 Always Greener (7) 2.065m in 2001.
5 Murder Call (9) 1.975m in 1997.
6 Prison Break (7) 1.944m in 2006.
7 McLeod's Daughters (9) 1.893m in 2001.
8 JAG (7) 1.871 in 1996.
9 E.R. (9) 1.862 in 1995.
10 CSI: Miami (9) 1.806m in 2003.
(OzTAM and ACNielsen)
It's interesting to note how many shows that started boldly have now faded to grey or black. These days, E.R is lucky to get 800,000. Seven killed Always Greener through lack of interest. And Prison Break's return at 1.2 million is hailed as a triumph. So Seven has no room for complacency with Heroes.

To discuss the most watched television of all time, go to The shows Australia loved. For the most seen movies of all time, go to The flicks Australia loved. For the most played albums of all time, go to The music Australia loved. For the top selling DVDs of all time, go to The DVDs Australia loved. For regular updates on media trends, go to www.smh.com.au/tribalmind.

We welcome your comments.

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. For further observations of Australian attitudes and behaviour, go to www.smh.com.au/tribalmind.

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 10:01 AM
• Comments (153)

The Tribal Mind: The last of the Silly Season

This blog is now history. To join the latest discussion of Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
Updated 10 am Friday February 2, 2007
The last episode ever of Will and Grace drew 1.155 million viewers in the mainland capitals. Otherwise, no interesting audience behaviour to report from Thursday, and this blog can move to a new address, where we'll publish the full week's ratings figures on Sunday.

On Wednesday night, Heroes was a huge hit. Just look at these figures: 1 HEROES Seven 2,109,000; 2 AIR CRASH INVESTIGATIONS Seven 1,584,000; 3 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,377,000; 4 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,366,000; 5 HOME AND AWAY Seven 1,342,000; 6 PRISON BREAK - ON THE RUN Seven 1,226,000; 7 NINE NEWS Nine 1,099,000; 8 A CURRENT AFFAIR Nine 1,092,000; 9 ABC NEWS ABC 1,063,000; 10 TEMPTATION Nine 905,000 (OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals).

To compare this with our most watched programs of the 20th and 21st centuries, go to The shows Australia loved.

This column follows the rule that two sightings is a possibility and three sightings is a trend, which means we can't yet say with confidence that there's a trend towards watching game shows in prime time this year. But given the audience of 1.96 million for the first night of Nine's 1 vs 100 on Monday, and the audience of 1.56 million for the second night of Seven's The Rich List on Tuesday, we'll be watching closely next week to see if Ten's The Con Test can pull enough punters to be more than coincidence.

On Monday we asked you to draft a press release demonstrating how Eddie McGuire would announce the boning of Eddie McGuire either as CEO of Nine or as host of 1 vs 100. These were the finalists ...

"From: Channel 9.
To: AAP
Re: Ed/1 vs 100
Career? Dead
Best Regards, Channel 9 Press Relations". (Galen)

"As CEO of Australia's number one show-shuffling channel, I have realised some boardroom shuffling is in order. The Apprentice will feature me being boned three separate times. The first will highlight retirement homes for boned execs, then AFL coaches will audition to replace me and finally Trump tells me what he really thinks of Rosie." (Cat)

"I would like to announce my resignation effective today from Channel 9. I intend to focus more on my boxing career. Jana Wendt will be taking over all my duties. Cheers. Mcguire." (Mokhles K Sidden). But our popular culture correspondent, David Dale, has decided to award the prize (a copy of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today) to Louise, for this press release from the CEO of Channel Nine:

"It is with regret that I announce that 1 vs 100 has been cancelled, despite having great ratings early, before viewers realised it was not an extended version of 20 to 1. It will be replaced with 100 to 1 - an extended version of 20 to 1, with Bert Newton hosting."

We were going to award second prize to Trudes, for an entry which begins "Cannot for the life of me understand why everyone on this blog hates Channel Nine - it must be the tall poppy syndrome!" But we had a sudden thought that Trudes might be serious. You be the judge, in the comments below.

What Australia Watched, Tuesday 1 THE RICH LIST-TUES Seven 1,556,000. 2 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,467,000. 3 HOME AND AWAY Seven 1,406,000. 4 NCIS Ten 1,396,000. 5 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,347,000. 6 NINE NEWS Nine 1,247,000. 7 A CURRENT AFFAIR Nine 1,243,000. 8 ABC NEWS-EV ABC 1,010,000. 9 THE SIMPSONS TUES EP 2 Ten 962,000. 10 ONE DAY CRICKET - ENG V NZ - GAME 9 SESSION 2 Nine 935,000. ... 15 24 - THE NEW BEGINNING-TUES Seven 857,000. 16 THE BILL ABC 792,000. ... 19 THE O.C. Ten 723,000. (OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

Updated 10 am Tuesday January 30
Apparently the old master has still got it -- at least when he's up against no serious competition. There were concerns that Eddie McGuire might have become a turn-off factor in the year since he gave up Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but last night two million Australians in the mainland capitals were curious enough to sit through his return as host of 1 vs 100. That audience might slip a bit next week when Eddie comes up against a new episode of Desperate Housewives, but Nine's new game show clearly has more potential than Seven's needlessly complicated The Rich List, hosted by Andrew O'Keefe.

We'd welcome your predictions on the average audience 1 vs 100 will achieve over the next few weeks (bearing in mind Millionaire drew 1.2 million in its dying days).

What Australia watched, Monday
Description Network Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 1 VS 100 Nine 1,958,000 563,000 657,000 320,000 196,000 222,000
2 OCEAN'S DEADLIEST Nine 1,647,000 559,000 438,000 367,000 124,000 159,000
3 HOME AND AWAY Seven 1,411,000 455,000 355,000 274,000 139,000 188,000
4 THE RICH LIST Seven 1,407,000 393,000 453,000 235,000 164,000 162,000 5 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,399,000 410,000 348,000 282,000 167,000 191,000
6 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,369,000 371,000 316,000 281,000 172,000 230,000
7 A CURRENT AFFAIR Nine 1,216,000 346,000 386,000 255,000 116,000 113,000
8 NINE NEWS Nine 1,184,000 331,000 380,000 258,000 115,000 101,000
9 JUSTICE Nine 1,122,000 324,000 360,000 194,000 114,000 129,000
10 TEMPTATION Nine 1,085,000 297,000 353,000 243,000 107,000 85,000
11 ABC NEWS ABC 1,039,000 277,000 304,000 195,000 123,000 140,000
12 DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (R) Seven 911,000 283,000 270,000 153,000 107,000 99,000
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

Updated 10 am Monday January 29
Sunday's tennis entered the record books, with 2.4 million Australians in the mainland capitals locked onto another Federer triumph. So much for the theory that we only watch sport when Australians are involved.

The TV "non-ratings period" was supposed to drag on for another two weeks but because this is such a competitive year, the networks have decided to bring out their big guns early. Tonight Channel Nine is prematurely ejaculating an expensive new game show called 1 vs 100, which will test if Eddie McGuire has jumped the shark. From next week, he's up against new episodes of Desperate Housewives -- just like the old days when he hosted Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

Faster Eddie 2007 may not have quite the same appeal to the traditional fan base of viewers over 50. Some of them have died since he was last on air. Others may have been offended by allegations about his language.
With the tennis out of the way, Seven leaps off this week with the new sci-fi drama Heroes (a mix of The Incredibles, Lost and The 4400), a new season of 24 and a new game show called The Rich List, which will test whether Andrew O'Keefe has jumped the shark. Ten has new seasons of Medium and Law and Order: SVU.

To glimpse some of the new shows and new seasons, go to tv.peekvid.com (warning: there be spoilers).

What Australia watched, Sunday
1 TENNIS: AUST OPEN - MEN'S FINAL Seven 2,442,000
2 NINE NEWS SUNDAY Nine 2,059,000
3 NINE'S SNEAK PEEK 2007 Nine 1,694,000
4 ONE DAY CRICKET - AUS V NZ - GAME 8 SESSION 1 Nine 1,543,000
5 SEVEN NEWS - SUN Seven 1,429,000
6 ONE DAY CRICKET - AUS V NZ - GAME 8 SESSION 2 Nine 1,312,000
7 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE Ten 800,000
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

For the top programs of last week, and your chance to comment on the hits and misses of the silly season, see below ...

What Australia watched, week ending January 27
1 ONE DAY CRICKET - AUS V NZ - GAME 5 SESSION 2 Nine 1,864,000
2 NINE NEWS SUNDAY Nine 1,751,000
3 SEVEN NEWS - SUN Seven 1,447,000
4 NCIS Ten 1,434,000
5 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,347,000
6 ONE DAY CRICKET - AUS V NZ - GAME 5 SESSION 1 Nine 1,323,000
7 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,295,000
8 CLOSE TO HOME Nine 1,236,000
9 TENNIS: AUST OPEN - WOMEN'S FINALS Seven 1,245,000
10 ONE DAY CRICKET - AUS V ENGLAND - GAME 7 SESSION 1 Nine 1,226,000
11 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,220,000
12 HOME AND AWAY Seven 1,213,000
13 TENNIS: AUST OPEN - DAY 11 NIGHT SESSION Seven 1,201,000
14 NINE NEWS Nine 1,196,000
15 THE SIMPSONS TUES EP 2 Ten 1,193,000
16 MOTORWAY PATROL Nine 1,175,000
17 AUSTRALIA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEO SHOW SUMMER SERIES -RPT Nine 1,145,000
18 MIDSOMER MURDERS ABC 1,144,000
19 CSI: MIAMI -RPT Nine 1,142,000
20 TENNIS: AUST OPEN - DAY 10 NIGHT SESSION Seven 1,138,000
21 NINE NEWS SAT Nine 1,128,000
22 MIDSOMER MURDERS -RPT Nine 1,092,000
23 A CURRENT AFFAIR Nine 1,068,000
24 ABC NEWS-SAT ABC 1,065,000
25 THE SIMPSONS TUES EP 1 Ten 1,058,000
26 TENNIS: AUST OPEN - DAY 8 NIGHT SESSION Seven 1,046,000
27 ABC NEWS ABC 1,025,000
28 TWO AND A HALF MEN -RPT Nine 1,018,000
29 ELEPHANT CAVE ABC 1,017,000
30 TENNIS: AUST OPEN - DAY 9 NIGHT SESSION Seven 1,003,000
31 TENNIS: AUST OPEN - DAY 12 NIGHT SESSION Seven 999,000
32 MASSIVE NATURE (R) Seven 996,000
33 SUPERNATURAL Ten 988,000
34 COPS MONDAY Ten 953,000
35 NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE Nine 948,000
36 TEN NEWS AT FIVE SAT Ten 939,000
37 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE Ten 936,000
38 THE BILL-SAT ABC 933,000
39 ABC NEWS-SUN ABC 903,000
40 AGATHA CHRISTIE'S POIROT ABC 900,000
41 AUSTRALIAN PRINCESS Ten 881,000
(OzTAM mainland capitals)

Updated 10 am Monday January 22
For your consideration: 1. Could Bindi Irwin's 15 minutes of fame be over already? Below you will find ratings data that suggests Australians prefer tennis and even ABC current affairs to Bindi. Channel Ten seems to have misjudged the public mood in putting David Letterman's Late Show on at 7.30 last Thursday to let families see yet another performance by the daughter of a dead icon. It drew only 722,000 viewers in the mainland capitals.

What Australia watched last week
1 ONE DAY CRICKET - AUS V ENGLAND - GAME 4 SESSION 2 Nine 1,526,000
2 ONE DAY CRICKET - AUS V NZ GAME 2 SESSION 2 Nine 1,488,000
3 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,450,000
4 HOME AND AWAY Seven 1,409,000
5 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,372,000
6 NINE NEWS Nine 1,215,000
7 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,209,000
8 NINE NEWS SUNDAY Nine 1,146,000
9 TENNIS: AUST OPEN - DAY 2 NIGHT SESSION Seven 1,145,000
10 TENNIS: AUST OPEN - DAY 6 NIGHT SESSION Seven 1,130,000
11 SEVEN NEWS - SUN Seven 1,125,000
12 NINE NEWS SATURDAY Nine 1,124,000
13 WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU -RPT Nine 1,120,000
14 CSI: MIAMI -RPT Nine 1,086,000
15 TWO AND A HALF MEN -RPT Nine 1,085,000
16 A CURRENT AFFAIR Nine 1,069,000
17 ABC NEWS-SAT ABC 1,064,000
18 CLOSE TO HOME Nine 1,062,000
19 ABC NEWS ABC 1,058,000
20 MIDSOMER MURDERS -RPT Nine 1,056,000
21 TENNIS: AUST OPEN - DAY 4 NIGHT SESSION Seven 1,044,000
22 SUPERNATURAL Ten 1,039,000
23 ONE DAY CRICKET - AUST V NZ GAME 2 SESSION 1 Nine 1,026,000
24 TENNIS: AUST OPEN - DAY 6 NIGHT SESSION - LATE Seven 1,025,000
25 AUSTRALIA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS -RPT Nine 1,024,000
26 TEN NEWS AT FIVE SAT Ten 1,014,000
27 WAKING THE DEAD Nine 1,009,000
28 ABC NEWS-SUN ABC 1,007,000
29 MIDSOMER MURDERS ABC 1,006,000
30 NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE Nine 979,000

At the cinema, one thing is perfectly clear: Australians have not forgiven Mel Gibson for his drunken outrages of 2006. Or else they're not attracted to ultra-violent movies performed in the Mayan language. The first week's takings for Apocalypto (see below) were worse than disappointing. When it opened in the USA, it topped the box office, while here it could only reach number seven, suggesting that the Yanks are more forgetful than we are.

What Australians preferred at the flicks last week was The Pursuit of Happyness, a sentimental tale of good triumphing over adversity. Perhaps we simply love Will Smith, penguins, Ben Stiller, James Bond, Cameron Diaz and Leonardo DiCaprio even more than Our Mel. To discuss Australia's cultural cringe, go to the Who We Are column.

Cinema takings, week to Jan 17
1 THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS $5,124,284 total $5,135,730
2 HAPPY FEET $4,076,692 $25,993,735
3 NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 3,676,819 18,602,408
4 CASINO ROYALE 1,957,634 28,637,527
5 THE HOLIDAY 1,640,941 11,015,644
6 THE BLOOD DIAMOND 1,625,775 4,434,117
7 APOCALYPTO 1,588,280 1,588,280
8 FLUSHED AWAY 1,447,290 7,329,667
9 THE QUEEN 981,127 4,349,847
10 BABEL 796,281 3,408,939
(MPDAA)

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. To join a daily discussion of Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

Tuesday's telly
Australians would rather see Arnold Schwarzenegger slaughtering people than Arnold Schwarzenegger giving awards to people. And they would rather see an Australian tennis player snatching victory from the jaws of defeat than Australian actors, directors and animators being snubbed by Hollywood. And they would rather see how Australian writers resolve a soap opera cliffhanger than any of the above.

Those insights into the tastes of this nation (references: Eraser, Golden Globes, Lleyton Hewitt, Golden Globes, Home and Away) can be gleaned by reading these ratings ...

What Australia watched, Tuesday
Description Network Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 HOME AND AWAY Seven 1,518,000 478,000 421,000 261,000 155,000 203,000
2 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,424,000 410,000 350,000 257,000 199,000 207,000
3 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,333,000 407,000 292,000 240,000 199,000 194,000
4 NINE NEWS Nine 1,323,000 323,000 488,000 244,000 159,000 109,000
5 TENNIS: AUST OPEN - DAY 2 NIGHT SESSION Seven 1,145,000 295,000 415,000 169,000 160,000 106,000
6 A CURRENT AFFAIR Nine 1,124,000 269,000 422,000 214,000 118,000 100,000
7 TWO AND A HALF MEN -RPT Nine 1,099,000 304,000 371,000 214,000 94,000 116,000
8 ABC NEWS ABC 1,080,000 254,000 306,000 219,000 138,000 165,000
9 NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE Nine 1,012,000 280,000 354,000 185,000 87,000 107,000
10 ERASER -RPT Nine 969,000 273,000 294,000 162,000 109,000 131,000
11 7.30 REPORT ABC 907,000 237,000 242,000 193,000 97,000 137,000
12 TEN NEWS AT FIVE Ten 894,000 174,000 262,000 165,000 131,000 163,000
13 THE BILL ABC 858,000 280,000 217,000 160,000 83,000 118,000
14 GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS 2007 Ten 853,000 279,000 234,000 131,000 83,000 125,000 .
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

Last week: Just when you thought Australians weren't watching much television, because they are at the beach or in the cinema or on the booze, along comes an insignificant cricket match and creates a viewing record. Channel Nine's afterthought to The Ashes, the Twenty/20 one day game, averaged 2.4 million viewers on Tuesday. Then on Friday, the evening session of a one day match, involving most of the same players doing most of the same things, drew 1.8 million.

They can't have all been Poms hoping for a recovery because OzTAM doesn't measure audiences in pubs and motels.
What Australia watched, Friday January 12.
1 ONE DAY CRICKET - AUS V ENGLAND - GAME 1 SESSION 2 Nine 1,793,000
2 NINE NEWS Nine 1,436,000
3 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,279,000
4 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,241,000
5 ONE DAY CRICKET - GAME 1 SESSION 1 Nine 1,061,0001.

What Australia watched, Tuesday January 9
1 TWENTY/20 MATCH - AUS V ENGLAND Nine 2,372,000
2 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,297,000
3 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,281,000
4 NINE NEWS Nine 1,221,000
5 A CURRENT AFFAIR Nine 1,178,000
6 BORDER PATROL NZ Seven 1,115,000
7 THAT '70S SHOW Seven 1,051,000
8 SCU: SERIOUS CRASH UNIT Seven 1,045,000
9 ABC NEWS ABC 1,037,000
10 LIFE BEGINS Seven 1,020,000
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

What Australia watched, week to January 7
1 SCU: SERIOUS CRASH UNIT Seven 1,408,000
2 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,405,000
3 NINE NEWS Nine 1,352,000
4 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,328,000
5 BORDER PATROL NZ Seven 1,327,000
6 NINE NEWS SUNDAY Nine 1,237,000
7 LIFE BEGINS Seven 1,215,000
8 A CURRENT AFFAIR Nine 1,197,000
9 NINE NEWS SATURDAY Nine 1,142,000
10 WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU Rpt Nine 1,144,000
11 SEVEN NEWS SUNDAY 1,135,000
12 CLOSE TO HOME Nine 1,118,000
13 ABC NEWS ABC 1,092,000
14 ABC NEWS-SAT ABC 1,083,000
15 MIDSOMER MURDERS ABC 1,081,000
16 HOW THE HELL DID WE GET HERE? ABC 1,073,000
17 TWO AND A HALF MEN -RPT Nine 1,055,000
18 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,055,000
19 GOODBYE WARNIE Nine 1,042,000
20 THE AMAZING RACE 8 Seven 1,022,000
21 AUSTRALIA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS -RPT Nine 1,018,000
22 MIDSOMER MURDERS -RPT Nine 1,008,000
23 MAYDAY Seven 995,000
24 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE Ten 993,000
25 THE CRICKET SHOW Nine 981,000
26 THE ASHES: FIFTH TEST Nine 976,000
27 NEW YEAR'S EVE 2006 - MIDNIGHT FIREWORKS Ten 966,000
28 COMING TO AMERICA RPT Ten 961,000
29 ABC NEWS SUNDAY 957,000
30 AIRLINE Nine 956,000

They are certainly not watching Outrageous Fortune, the New Zealand dramedy which Channel Nine is trying to claim as part of its legally required quota of "Australian content". The Kiwis drew just 355,000 viewers on Monday night.
(OzTAM mainland capitals)

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 12:02 AM
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