The Sun-Herald

WHO WE ARE: An anthem ready for rewrite

A column about Australia, by David Dale. Published in The Sun-Herald 28/1/2007.
Every year at this time the Bureau of Statistics offers us the chance to conduct a reality check on the national anthem. The just-released 746 page blockbuster called Year Book Australia lets us judge whether we are turning our children into liars whenever we make them sing Advance Australia Fair.

Our land is still girt by sea, and 85 per cent of us live within 50 km of it (still waiting for the ships to come and take us home?). But Year Book 2007 says we're exploiting it alarmingly: "The level of fishing activity has increased over the last decade to the point where almost all the major well-known fish, crustacean and mollusc resources are fully used. Some major species such as southern bluefin tuna, eastern gemfish and school shark have suffered serious biological depletion."

The nature's gifts in which our land abounds aren't holding up too well either. "Changes to the landscape and native habitat as a result of human activity has put many of these unique species at risk," says the Bureau. Since 1999, "the number of listed threatened fauna rose by 20 per cent from 323 to 384 (of which 130 were birds and 117 were mammals)." About half of these 384 creatures are "vulnerable", one-third are "endangered" and the rest are "presumed extinct".

Now for the key line "We've golden soil and wealth for toil". The Year Book reveals that only half of it is accurate. Much more of our soil is brown dust than was the case when the anthem was written in 1878 or even when it was approved by referendum in 1977.

That's partly the result of degradation through over-use and partly the result of climate change. The Bureau suspects 2005 was the hottest year Australia has ever known, but it can't be sure because "most pre-1910 data is not comparable with post-1910 data, because the louvred, white painted screen (the 'Stevenson screen') which is used for sheltering thermometers from direct solar radiation was only introduced as a national standard around that time. Many pre-1910 temperatures were measured in locations such as underneath tin verandahs or even indoors, and cannot be validly compared with more recent data." (Now you'll be able to respond to "What is the Stevenson screen?" at your next trivia night)

We're on safer ground with wealth and toil. The net worth of the average Australian household is $467,600 (assets of $537,100 minus liabilities of $69,400). That makes us rich and rare among the tribes on this planet. The Bureau says there has been a real growth of 21 per cent in the "equivalised disposable income" of the average household since 1995. That's because we're toiling harder -- average hours worked per week by a full time employed person rose from 39.1 in 1986 to 40.1 in 2006.

And we do share our boundless plains with those who've come across the seas. The Year Book

says a record 5.5 million international tourists consumed a record $18.3 billion worth of goods and services produced by the Australian economy in 2005. As for those wanting to stay longer, immigration added 431,000 to our population in 2005 (somewhat more than the 255,000 contributed by intercourse).

Unbeknownst to most of us, immigration has been growing during the period of the Howard Government. Clearly the Prime Minister doesn't want the anthem to be accused of deceptive advertising.

Should Australia rewrite its anthem to reflect modern realities, and if so, what should it say? We welcome your comments, below.

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. To join a daily discussion of Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

• by David Dale in Who We Are at 12:16 AM
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WHO WE ARE: "We don't want to be up ourselves"

A column about Australia, by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald 21/1/2007.
As I suspected, the readers of this column have the answer to the eternal mystery: why Australians won't go to see their own films. In fact, they have many answers, as revealed in their reactions to last week's commentary on the cultural cringe (see below).

Carl D. Thompson pointed out that "to be successful a movie must offer people an avenue of escape ... I do not believe that people are interested in paying the high cinema prices to watch a movie about someone who is as miserable and desperate as they are."

Agner Sorensen suspects the problem is with the way Australian films look: "If you note with most high production films the filming and the accent used by actors show a high degree of affluence, which makes films easier to watch. So the clear film, colours, and sharpness of the production bring out quality films, and this level of quality is not usually found in Australian films, due to the climate being drier in Australia, so scenery is not lush colours, the same as is found in wetter places around the world. If you watched Cold Mountain, it was set in a time of poverty but the film had the richness of vibrant colours which showed the richness of the setting, the background affluence."

Tony Llewellyn-Jones says there's a problem of timing: "I often despair at how and when distributors and exhibitors release product, often in the same month - or even the same week. They cannot survive so close together. Maybe we make too many films ... We need to push for co-operation between competing product. If only we didn't speak 'English'!"

A reader who wishes to be known as The Punchbowl Punisher wonders if Australians are too sophisticated for their filmmakers. "Australia is now a different place than it was 10 years ago. We can talk all we like about poorly performing funding bodies, underdeveloped scripts, poor marketing, small population and overseas competition but there is a fundamental reason why there are more misses than hits.

"We are part of a global culture moving so fast that our current crop of film makers (writers, directors, producers) are being left for dead as they struggle to meet audience expectations."

Harry Buttle explained that most local flicks are "made largely on Govt grants, so there is no driving need to make the sort of films the public want to see. To put it simply, they are NOT telling 'our stories', they are telling 'their stories' -- they being the lefty 'We hate the average Aussie' arts crowd, and funnily enough, the average Aussie isn't too keen on paying their hard-earned to be sneered at for 90 mins."

And Sarah Jane Mason brings it all down to a simple proposition: "We don't want to be up ourselves."

"We have a 'Look, I've got this little film here, it's probably not that great, but if you want to see it that'd be ok' attitude to promotion. Which is why everyone thinks American films are better. They burst into the room with 'Hey, everyone, check this out, this is the best movie ever!' It usually isn't, but we don't really care, do we? Hollywood is great because it tells everyone it is.

"Can we shake off this nagging little fear that people will think we're too big-headed for our own good, just because we happen to like our country, our culture, our artists? Think of the Ashes. Can you feel that tingling in your stomach when you think of the Poms slinking home, empty handed, once again? Now there's a little smile forming at the corner of your mouth, isn't there? Maybe a little bit of pride is a good feeling after all? See you at the movies."

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. To join a daily discussion of Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

Last week's column, published in The Sun-Herald 14/1/2007.
It was only August of last year, but it looked like Christmas to the Australian film industry. For the first time in history, there were four locally made and funded movies simultaneously in the box office top 20 -- Kenny, a comedy about a toilet cleaner; Jindabyne, a drama about small town prejudice; Ten Canoes, a dramedy about Aboriginal hunters; and Unfolding Florence, a dramatised documentary about the murder of designer Florence Broadhurst.

There would have been five if Candy, a romance about junkie thieves, hadn't dropped out of the chart two weeks earlier. There would have been six if Boytown, a musical comedy starring most of the improvisers we'd seen on Thank God You're Here, had opened a couple of weeks ahead of schedule.

It looked like the renaissance of the Australian film industry - a phenomenon that seems to happen around the middle of every decade. In the mid 70s it was the likes of Picnic at Hanging Rock and Caddie; in the 80s it was Crocodile Dundee; in the 90s it was Priscilla, Muriel's Wedding and Babe.

And this time, the renaissance seemed to be lasting. Barely had Boytown dropped off the chart when we got Happy Feet, the animated musical which has sold $24 million worth of tickets since it opened on Boxing Day. Could it be that, finally, Australians are making and embracing their own stories?

To put all this in perspective, compare these charts ...

The most successful Australian movies of all time: 1 Crocodile Dundee (1986) $48m; 2 Babe (1995) $37m; 3 Moulin Rouge (2001) $28m; 4 Crocodile Dundee II (1988) $25m; 5 Strictly Ballroom (1992) $22m; 6 The Dish (2000) $18m; 7 The Man from Snowy River (1982) $17m; 8 The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert (1994) $16m; 9 Muriel's Wedding (1994) $16m; 10 Young Einstein (1988) $13m; 11 Lantana (2001) $12m; 12 Gallipoli (1981) $12m.

The most successful Australian movies of the past two years: 1 Kenny $7.7m; 2 Wolf Creek $5.8m; 3 Jindabyne $4.8m; 4 Little Fish $3.8m; 5 Boytown $3.1m; 6 Kokoda $3.1m; 7 Ten Canoes $2.9m; 8 Look Both Ways $2.8m; 9 The Oyster Farmer $2.4m; 10 The Proposition $2.1m; 11 Somersault $2.1m; 12 Hating Alison Ashley $2.1m.

Looking at those lists, you might conclude that the renaissance was more apparent than real. There were a lot of local flicks released in the second half of last year, but until Boxing Day, none of them succeeded. We haven't had a hit, in the sense of a flick that more than a million Australians paid to see, since Lantana in 2001. No wonder George Miller was doing his damnedest to portray Happy Feet, before it opened, as not an Australian movie, despite the fact that it was animated at Sydney's Fox Studios and half funded by Village Roadshow.

"To be honest, it is an Australian film in the same way that Lord Of The Rings, you could say, is a New Zealand film," he said. "The people who made it are Australian. The movie stars who are in it don't have Australian accents ... there is no question, this is an international film."

Miller knows that if the dancing penguins had been promoted as a local product, the locals would have stayed away. Why we've developed this prejudice about ourselves is a question only you can answer, below ...

David Dale is the author of The Little Book of Australia -- A snapshot of who we are (Allen and Unwin). For daily updates on Australian attitudes, bookmark blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

• by David Dale in Who We Are at 10:17 AM
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Culture: Dream a little theme

Here's a quick quiz. Can you identify the source of these lines: 1. "With a little understanding , you can find the perfect blend." 2. "Come anytime, come anytime." 3. "It will take some time to find your heart and come back home." 4. "A friend ever true." 5. "No matter where you are, you're my guiding star." They are, of course, lines from great Australian TV themes (Neighbours, Thank God You're Here, McLeod's Daughters, Skippy and Home and Away). It seems that Australia is the last bastion of the TV theme song. Elsewhere in the world, they're a dying art.

According to US TV historian Tim Brooks, classic themes which summed up what the show was about, such as The Beverly Hillbillies ("The next thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire"), Gilligan's Island ("Five passengers set sail that day for a three hour tour"), The Brady Bunch ("Till this one day when the lady met this fellow,
and they knew that it was much more than a hunch"), Cheers("You wanna go where everybody knows your name"), and Friends ("I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to fall"), would these days fall victim to budget restrictions and short attention spans. Grey's Anatomy, for example, has cancelled the 26-second theme that introduced its first season.

"Almost all shows have music, but it's generic, it's scene-setting, it's short," says Brooks. "Producers feel, rightly or wrongly, that that interruption is going to lose viewers. I think one of the things that has squeezed themes out is this relentless kind of move toward tightening everything, making it go right from joke to joke, from action to action, from shootout to shootout, so that you won't press the dreaded remote control."

Australia has the talent to turn this shocking situation around. Lets bring back the golden age of the TV theme song. We want you to write an eight line verse that sums up your favourite TV show, whether that be Lost, Desperate Housewives, Four Corners, Criminal Minds, Today Tonight or Bert's Family Feud. Register your creativity below ...

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. For further observations of Australian attitudes and behaviour, go to www.smh.com.au/tribalmind.

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 12:52 AM
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WHO WE ARE: Inferiors R us

A weekly column by David Dale.
The cultural cringe is making a comeback. Australians are going through one of those phases where the world seems to like us more than we like ourselves. The cringe -- a tendency to avoid our own creations because we think other countries do everything better than we can -- was the dominant national attitude until the mid 1970s. Then, confronted with evidence that our actors, our directors, our chefs and our models were conquering the world, we shifted for a couple of decades to the cultural strut. Now the inferiority complex is reasserting itself.

The international media monitoring agency Eurodata has just released its NOTA (New On The Air) report on the most trendsetting TV shows around the planet. You'll be heartwarmed to learn that two little Aussie battlers receive special mention. Under the heading "factual programming", Eurodata says:

"In Australia, Good Chef Bad Chef combines cooking with health and a healthy dose of competition, as it pits a classically trained chef against a nutritionist preparing a dish using the same ingredients, with audience as judge, by leaving the viewers to choose sides."

I must confess I'd never heard of this show, but apparently Channel Seven played it at 3 o'clock in the afternoon, judging it to be unsuitable for prime time. So Australians barely had a chance to appreciate their worldbeater.

Discussing drama, Eurodata notes "a creative renaissance in American TV production", manifested in "anti-heroes who are hard-core, complex, intriguing, disgusting and yet acclaimed characters." It continues: "Other pearls among the launches this fall are the miniseries. Among the best launched, we can quote Tripping Over in Australia (Network 10). The miniseries is about three friends in London and two friends in Sydney. The two groups meet for the first time at the stop-over in Bangkok, where a tragic event changes them forever. The series focuses on the major life changes that occur during the mid twenties and how choices made here can affect your life for many years to come."

Tripping Over started here with more than a million viewers but the audience sank below 700,000 by the final episode -- disaster for a commercial network in prime time. But at least Channel Ten gave it a go.

Channel Seven gave its main Australian drama, All Saints, the best possible support by putting it on straight after the nation's favourite program, Dancing With The Stars, but half a million dancing fans switched off immediately to avoid having to sit through a local story. We preferred to receive our medical advice with an American accent, via House and Grey's Anatomy.

Channel Nine was so pessimistic about home-made drama that it resorted to a New Zealand series to meet its legal obligations. Geoff Brown, Executive Director of the Screen Producers Association of Australia, says Nine's decision to show the 13 part Outrageous Fortune at 10.30 pm during December and January exploits a loophole in the broadcasting regulations that lets commercial stations claim Kiwi productions as local content. "Nine has abandoned its support of local drama in favour of an offshore acquisition, which they are showing at the latest possible time slot to scrape through mandated regulation," he says. "What's more, this show has been funded by New Zealand taxpayers through one of their Government funding programs. Another free kick to Nine."

Ah well, you say, Australians may not want to watch their own stories on TV, but at least we're embracing our own movies again. Next week this column will examine that proposition more closely.

Do we need the regulations that require the networks to make and show local drama -- and should New Zealand drama count towards that? Do Good Chef, Bad Chef and Tripping Over warrant the international praise? Is Outrageous Fortune essential viewing -- better than the average Australian drama? And how do New Zealanders feel about being treated as token Australians? We welcome your comments.

Published in The Sun-Herald, 7/1/2007.
David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. To join a daily discussion of Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

• by David Dale in Who We Are at 10:54 PM
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Reassessments: The on-air ego

There's some media excitement today about the announcement that Eddie McGuire will host a new game show on Channel Nine. If it succeeds, Eddie has the perfect excuse for stepping down from his precarious position as Nine's Chief Executive. We thought we should replay a report from this column of December 4, 2006, and the reader responses at the time. We still welcome your comments:

No bones about it
It's been nominated as the new word of the year, but Eddie McGuire refuses to take credit for it. The verb "to bone'', as a synonym for sack, remove, dismiss or drive out, emerged in an allegation that McGuire threatened to do this to Jessica Rowe, co-host of Today. When Stay in Touch was chatting to McGuire yesterday about Nine's apparent victory in the TV ratings year, we had to ask. Suddenly steel entered his usually affable tone: "I never used it. I didn't even know that vernacular''.

Even when we pointed out that the usage could be attributed to him in future Australian dictionaries, he was uninterested. "I'm happy to take credit for 'lock it in' and 'big week in football', but that's not one of mine. It's like when John Elliott was accused of saying "pig's arse', and he never did.''

McGuire's good cheer returned when we asked if Nine would have performed better in the ratings if he'd stayed as host of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. "Of course,'' he said. "I have an on-air ego. I know the world is missing me.'' But seriously, Nine has moved on from Millionaire and for next year is more interested in a game show format called 1 vs 100, in which the contestant competes with the audience in multiple choice questions. Programs like that, McGuire hopes, will counter Seven's strength next year in new American dramas.

We welcome your comments.

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. For further observations of Australian attitudes and behaviour, go to www.smh.com.au/tribalmind.

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 12:04 AM
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Scandals: Have a nice Day-Knight

by David Dale
A Sydney newspaper called The Daily Telegraph is very excited today to reveal that Kath and Kim is soon to become an American sitcom, so we thought we should replay this column's report, and the 80 reader reactions we received, from October 10, 2006. We continue to welcome your comments:

ABC loyalists are working themselves into a lather over plans to rewrite Kath and Kim as an American sitcom. Rick McKenna, executive producer of K&K, is talking to Ben Silverman, who turned the British comedy The Office into the American comedy The Office, about doing a similar job on our favourite suburban mums.

Apparently the Americans want to position K&K as "Roseanne meets Ab Fab" - which suggests they see the ladies as self-deluding trailer trash (and they may be correct). "The criteria for us, if this ever eventuates, is you can't take it and then turn it into Friends," says McKenna. "Ben gets the sensibility of it and you detect he would put up the good fight to ensure those elements that are key to the values of Kath and Kim are adhered to."

But on the ABC website, the fans are gropeable. David says "It's just going to be ruined and unappreciated just like The Office. Can't the yanks come up with their own ideas? Does anything belong to us any more?" Rose asks "Why can't the Americans for once just watch a series as it was meant to be! We have to watch their never-ending sitcoms without a requirement for translation. If they are too thick to understand it as it is, then they don't deserve to watch it at all."

Lets help the rewriters to get it right. Create a few lines of dialogue for the US version of K&K and send them to us, below (making sure to indicate where the canned laughter should go). While you're at it, suggest which two American actresses would do justice to the roles.

David Dale is the author of The Little Book of Australia -- A snapshot of who we are (Allen and Unwin). For daily updates on Australian attitudes, bookmark blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

• in The Tribal Mind at 12:12 AM
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Things we did this summer

This blog is now a heritage item -- worth studying but not current. To join the latest discussion on Australian media, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
Updated 10am Friday January 5

Once the carol singing was over, Australians settled down to serious enjoyment of car crashes, divorce, murder, smuggling and drunken excess. Plus, of course, dancing penguins.

Here are some highlights and lowlights of the TV Silly Season, a period when any audience above 800,000 is encouraging and over a million is sensational. OzTAM estimates that Carols by Candlelight on Christmas Eve drew 2.02 million in the mainland capitals, up 12 per cent on 2005, but Channel Ten's vulgar version of the New Year's Eve fireworks drew just 686,000 -- about the same as Nine's family version last year. Nine's special Goodbye Warnie drew a surprisingly low 983,000 on New Year's Day. The surprise success of the season is Seven's English dramedy about a newly separated 39 year old, Life Begins.

Hits of the holidays: Serious Crash Unit Jan 2, 1.41m. Two and a Half Men repeat Jan 3, 1.16m. Border Patrol NZ Dec 26, 1.32m. Midsomer Murders Dec 28, 1.10m. Disorderly Conduct Dec 27, 1.08m. Life Begins Jan 2, 1.22m. Close To Home Jan 3, 1.12m. The Amazing Race Jan 4, 1.02m. Til Death Dec 28, 948,000. Standoff Jan 1, 926,000. The Panel's Christmas Wrap Dec 25 902,000. Old Christine Jan 3, 1.01m. Cops Jan 1, 812,000. The Unit Jan 3, 936,000. Men in Trees Jan 3, 817,000. Celebrity Countdown Dec 28, 801,000.

Flops of the hols: The OC Dec 26, 509,000. Cheaters Dec 27, 592,000. Charmed Jan 2, 651,000. Smallville Dec 29, 667,000. Nip/Tuck Jan 1, 688,000. The Master Jan 1, 716,000. Numbers Jan 4, 720,000. Help Me Help You Dec 28, 725,000. Will and Grace Jan 4, 790,000. Weeds Dec 26, 739,000. Vanished Jan 1, 754,000. In Justice Dec 26, 754,000. Australian Princess Jan 3, 738,000.

At the movies: George Miller, the director of Happy Feet, is keen to describe his flick as "an international movie", but given its box office results, it is now safely ensconsed in the annals of Great Australian Hits. In their first week in cinemas the penguins sold $12.2 million worth of tickets, suggesting that by the end of their run they could approach the $35 million made last January by that notorious New Zealand movie The Chronicles of Narnia.

Top movies, week to January 3
1 HAPPY FEET [404 screens] Week $10.76m Total $15.25m
2 NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM [365] 7.03 9.46
3 CASINO ROYALE [352] 4.56 23.55
4 THE HOLIDAY [273] 4.27 6.26
5 FLUSHED AWAY [204] 2.01 3.87
6 ERAGON [240] 1.57 6.50
7 THE QUEEN [72] 1.21 2.16
8 BABEL [45] 1.09 1.76
9 CHARLOTTE`S WEB [280] 1.21 6.57
10 BORAT [188] 0.90 17.48.
(MPDAA)
Top selling DVDs (week to Christmas)
1 KENNY
2 PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 2 DEAD MANS CHEST
3 ICE AGE 2
4 ROBBIE WILLIAMS LIVE AND THROUGH IT ALL 1997-2006
5 CARS
6 LITTLE BRITAIN LIVE
7 DIRTY DANCING 15TH ANNIVERSAY EDITION
8 GARFIELD 2 A TAIL OF TWO KITTIES
9 SUPERMAN RETURNS
10 CLICK
(GfK Marketing)

Last week: Channel Nine is claiming record daytime audiences for the cricket. It says Tuesday's Day One of the fourth Test from the Melbourne Cricket Ground scored "the best result in television ratings history", because it averaged 1.68 million viewers across the country. Nine says this was "the highest ever single day audience of any Test match, beating the previous record of 1.44 million set on Day 3 of the third Ashes Test in Perth on December 16, 2006." To compare it with the highest ratings of all time, go to Australia's most watched television.

This was Nine's report: "Cricket fans were glued to their television sets yesterday, waiting for Shane Warne to become the first cricketer to claim 700 Test wickets. That magic moment came at 3.19pm (local time). The spin king thrilled fans with his haul of 5/39 to help Australia bowl England out for 159. Nationally, the Boxing Day Test action attracted a peak audience of 2.27 million viewers at 5.42 pm Sydney time."

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. To join a daily discussion of Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

Last week's Tribal Mind column:
YOU'RE here to pitch a program idea that will pull huge ratings next year. I'm your best hope and your worst nightmare -- the program director of BCN (Big Commercial Network). Call Me Michael Mott-Worner. My job involves knowing exactly what Australians want. I'm a tough-talking type with a secret sensitive side, and to save us both time, I'll tell you what will hold my attention in this meeting:

Nothing about celebrities. There is no familiar face left who hasn't danced, sung, spelt, skated, been marooned on an island, walked a tightrope, lost weight or improvised in a comedy sketch. And if your pitch includes Dicko, you might as well leave now.

Nothing that involves nostalgia. The 50th birthday is over. We might stretch 20 to 1 and Where Are They Now? a few more months, because the people who like that sort of stuff don't remember they've seen it before anyway. But their grandchildren will soon be old enough to switch channels.

Nothing about lifestyle. Back in 2002, there were 15 renovation or gardening shows in the top 50. This year, there was one. Face it -- no Australian wants to dig or decorate any more.

Nothing labelled "reality''. Survivor didn't. Yasmin never got married. Big Brother is going blind.

Nothing about Australian drama. We spent a fortune this year on Tripping Over, persuaded that British blonde to take her clothes off, and we didn't even attract the pervs. The only drama working at the moment is All Saints and that's because we made it like House and put it on after Dancing with the Stars. Any day now the Government will cave in to our lobbying and drop the local content rules so we can buy all our drama from the US.

Does that sound negative? To learn what a programmer does want to hear, look at these lists:

SINKING. The series that lost the most viewers this year were Dancing with the Stars (7), Desperate Housewives (7), Border Security (7), Backyard Blitz (9), Lost (7), Big Brother (10), Cold Case (9), McLeod's Daughters (9), CSI: Miami (9), CSI: NY (9), RPA (9), Without a Trace (9), Medium (10).

SOARING. The series that gained the most extra viewers this year were House (10), Australian Idol (10), Grey's Anatomy (7) All Saints (7), Seven weekday news (7), Today Tonight (7), NCIS (10).

SURPRISING The top new series were Thank God You're Here (10), It Takes Two (7), The Force (7), Where Are They Now? (7), Prehistoric Park (9), Planet Earth (ABC), What's Good for You (9), Prison Break (7), The Biggest Loser (10).

OK, now you can wow us. What's gonna put BCN on top in 2007?

THE RESULTS
The readers of this column are geniuses. That's apparent from the responses we got last week (above) when Michael Mott-Worner, the Program Director of BCN (Big Commercial Network) challenged you to pitch an idea for a TV series that would grab huge ratings next year. As soon as BCN releases its schedule for 2007, expect to see these powerhouses in prime time:

HomeLand Sci-fi series set in 2050. Australia has had a stable government for 15 years, dissidents are silenced through extensive police powers and the States have been disbanded. A terrorist attack has poisoned Sydney's water supply. Fundamentalist group JI overthrows the Indonesian military and launches an attack on Australia. The show would be set in Canberra (the most logical place millions of displaced Sydneysiders would settle) which goes from a quiet backwater into an overpopulated nightmare. (Jimmy James)

Shine Dramedy about a blonde bowler who battles all-night parties, betting scandals, drugs, affairs, all that stuff that script writers come up with that never occurs in real life. The kid always overcomes these challenges to win the day and the Ashes. (Garry S)

Naomi Featuring celebrities and drawing on the success of talk shows like Oprah, Dr Phil and Jerry Springer, it will explore a range of issues ranging from childhood obesity to the effects of the drought on everyday Australians. Needs somebody named Naomi to host. (Ryan)

CattleClass No bull, no pampering travel show based on the real holidays we all go on. (AlphaVictor)

Peanuts Game show where a television executive takes a dump on the middle of the stage, and contestants fight to pick out the most peanuts with a spoon. All prize money is paid by the advertisers to the executive, the contestants get the peanuts. (Aardvark)

The Redhead Sitcom mix of Yes, Minister and Kath and Kim, set in small town in North Queensland, where one of the quirky locals suggests the fish shop lady runs for parliament. Series ends when she becomes Prime Minister and half the population migrates to New Zealand. (Emily)

Try Following This In an Australian first, the three commercial networks pool their most popular shows (House, CSI, Desperate Housewives etc). Each week, the programs move timeslot, get mixed with repeats, are transmitted out of series order or disappear altogether. Viewers SMS their complaints to a 1900 number, and the network programmer whose scheduling creates the most anger receives the total of the SMS charges. (Cronk)

The Downloaders Reality show that demonstrates the best ways for the public to download their favorite TV, free of charge. Follows a group of 12 to 40 year olds as they search the web for the latest episodes, including Heroes, DH, Prison Break, Lost, NCIS, House, Family Guy. I think this show would be best picked up by the ABC. (PeteC).

You can read and add more program ideas below.

What Australia watched on Thursday December 21
Description Network Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,218,000 263,000 384,000 244,000 137,000 191,000.
2 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,169,000 259,000 370,000 209,000 148,000 184,000.
3 A CURRENT AFFAIR Nine 1,131,000 269,000 413,000 212,000 147,000 90,000.
4 NINE NEWS Nine 1,060,000 271,000 396,000 196,000 131,000 66,000.
5 ABC NEWS ABC 1,053,000 306,000 324,000 164,000 126,000 133,000.
6 MIDSOMER MURDERS -RPT Nine 1,002,000 301,000 300,000 179,000 96,000 126,000.
7 7.30 REPORT ABC 989,000 270,000 296,000 161,000 132,000 129,000
8 THE AMAZING RACE 8 Seven 898,000 204,000 323,000 165,000 105,000 100,000.
9 TIL DEATH Nine 878,000 221,000 242,000 192,000 106,000 117,000.
10 THAT '70S SHOW Seven 849,000 189,000 257,000 198,000 101,000 104,000.
11 TEN NEWS AT FIVE Ten 841,000 203,000 264,000 136,000 118,000 120,000
12 TOP 40 CELEBRITY COUNTDOWN Seven 829,000 197,000 263,000 129,000 139,000 100,000.
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

What Australia watched on Wednesday December 20

Description Network Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,342,000 352,000 377,000 240,000 172,000 202,000
2 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,249,000 320,000 342,000 219,000 164,000 204,000
3 A CURRENT AFFAIR Nine 1,136,000 307,000 385,000 224,000 127,000 94,000
4 NINE NEWS Nine 1,118,000 323,000 369,000 188,000 152,000 87,000
5 DISORDERLY CONDUCT CAUGHT ON TAPE Seven 1,111,000 295,000 322,000 211,000 127,000 155,000
6 ABC NEWS ABC 1,084,000 303,000 321,000 201,000 131,000 129,000
7 CLOSE TO HOME Nine 1,033,000 281,000 297,000 214,000 131,000 110,000
8 THE UNIT Seven 957,000 248,000 335,000 190,000 85,000 98,000
9 THAT '70S SHOW Seven 932,000 242,000 243,000 188,000 109,000 150,000
10 7.30 REPORT ABC 925,000 257,000 273,000 177,000 95,000 123,000
11 MEN IN TREES Nine 922,000 253,000 343,000 140,000 93,000 93,000

What Australia watched on Tuesday December 19
Description Network Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth

1 SCU: SERIOUS CRASH UNIT Seven 1,438,000 373,000 438,000 281,000 161,000 186,000
2 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,316,000 351,000 374,000 224,000 162,000 204,000
3 BORDER PATROL NZ Seven 1,274,000 321,000 394,000 248,000 148,000 163,000
4 A CURRENT AFFAIR Nine 1,227,000 344,000 438,000 215,000 132,000 97,000
5 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,213,000 311,000 345,000 218,000 160,000 180,000
6 ABC NEWS ABC 1,205,000 342,000 369,000 209,000 126,000 158,000
7 LIFE BEGINS Seven 1,165,000 311,000 335,000 222,000 140,000 157,000
8 NINE NEWS Nine 1,094,000 305,000 390,000 175,000 139,000 85,000
9 7.30 REPORT ABC 989,000 320,000 263,000 186,000 99,000 121,000
10 THE QUEEN'S CAVALRY ABC 936,000 286,000 248,000 163,000 107,000 131,000
11 THE BILL ABC 897,000 283,000 269,000 132,000 93,000 120,000
12 TEN NEWS AT FIVE Ten 895,000 246,000 225,000 169,000 127,000 129,000
13 THE KING OF QUEENS Nine 893,000 269,000 298,000 135,000 101,000 90,000
14 THAT '70S SHOW Seven 878,000 233,000 257,000 171,000 109,000 108,000
15 TWO AND A HALF MEN -RPT Nine 851,000 234,000 274,000 150,000 101,000 92,000
16 IN JUSTICE Seven 842,000 226,000 276,000 143,000 97,000 100,000
17 THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE Nine 834,000 246,000 277,000 157,000 90,000 64,000
18 THE SIMPSONS TUES Ten 799,000 245,000 251,000 116,000 96,000 91,000
19 THE O.C. 4 Ten 782,000 232,000 254,000 147,000 80,000 70,000
20 WEEDS Nine 779,000 216,000 298,000 106,000 81,000 79,000

What Australia watched, Monday
Description Network Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,373,000 304,000 413,000 260,000 161,000 235,000
2 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,358,000 304,000 408,000 245,000 177,000 224,000
3 NINE NEWS Nine 1,236,000 354,000 381,000 216,000 159,000 125,000
4 ABC NEWS ABC 1,193,000 295,000 401,000 219,000 120,000 158,000
5 A CURRENT AFFAIR Nine 1,163,000 367,000 411,000 194,000 90,000 102,000
6 THE CRICKET SHOW Nine 1,135,000 342,000 347,000 178,000 142,000 126,000
7 7.30 REPORT ABC 1,051,000 280,000 327,000 196,000 114,000 134,000
8 DYNASTIES ABC 1,017,000 255,000 324,000 215,000 118,000 105,000
9 CSI: MIAMI -RPT Nine 916,000 272,000 309,000 199,000 137,000
10 THAT '70S SHOW Seven 899,000 236,000 245,000 177,000 102,000 139,000
11 TEN NEWS AT FIVE Ten 882,000 216,000 243,000 144,000 143,000 136,000
12 THE ASHES: THIRD TEST Nine 876,000 268,000 259,000 149,000 117,000 84,000
13 STANDOFF Seven 847,000 215,000 266,000 153,000 108,000 105,000
14 THE MASTER Seven 826,000 196,000 267,000 147,000 100,000 116,000
15 VANISHED Seven 809,000 237,000 238,000 124,000 105,000 105,000
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

What Australia watched, Sunday
Description Network Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 NINE NEWS SUNDAY Nine 1,830,000 522,000 550,000 302,000 224,000 232,000
2 THE ASHES: THIRD TEST Nine 1,567,000 482,000 431,000 254,000 200,000 200,000
3 THE CRICKET SHOW Nine 1,273,000 356,000 362,000 214,000 172,000 170,000
4 SEVEN NEWS - SUN Seven 1,154,000 300,000 338,000 236,000 144,000 136,000
5 WAKING THE DEAD Nine 1,142,000 300,000 370,000 154,000 161,000 158,000
6 SPICKS AND SPECKS: ANOTHER SPECKY CHRISTMAS ABC 1,047,000 194,000 354,000 244,000 112,000 142,000
7 THE REAL SEACHANGE Seven 961,000 271,000 277,000 215,000 104,000 95,000
8 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE Ten 870,000 251,000 224,000 196,000 115,000 85,000
9 SINATRA: DARK STAR ABC 866,000 227,000 267,000 178,000 109,000 86,000
10 YOU'VE GOT THE JOB Seven 838,000 243,000 264,000 181,000 79,000 71,000
11 ABC NEWS-SUN ABC 808,000 188,000 260,000 169,000 79,000 112,000
12 10 DAYS THAT MADE THE QUEEN Seven 770,000 249,000 227,000 108,000 70,000 116,000
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

What Australia watched, week ending December 16, according to OzTAM.
1 NINE NEWS SATURDAY (AND CRICKET) Nine 1,913,000
2 The ASHES: THIRD TEST, SATURDAY Nine 1,590,000
3 SCU: SERIOUS CRASH UNIT Seven 1,392,000
4 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,313,000
5 NINE NEWS SUNDAY Nine 1,305,000
6 NINE NEWS Nine 1,281,000
7 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,222,000
8 BORDER PATROL NZ Seven 1,213,000
9 DYNASTIES ABC 1,189,000
10 SEVEN NEWS SUNDAY Seven 1,172,000
11 A CURRENT AFFAIR Nine 1,121,000
12 LIFE BEGINS Seven 1,114,000
13 WAKING THE DEAD EP1 Nine 1,110,000
14 THE REAL SEACHANGE Seven 1,096,000
15 ABC NEWS ABC 1,067,000
16 2006 CAROLS IN THE DOMAIN Seven 1,066,000
17 DISORDERLY CONDUCT CAUGHT ON TAPE Seven 1,045,000
18 SEVEN NEWS SAT Seven 1,040,000
19 WAKING THE DEAD EP2 Nine 1,018,000
20 EGYPT Seven 1,015,000

Updated 10am, Friday December 15

Not every theory propounded by this column is a winner. On the basis of last week's ratings, we speculated that The Next Big Thing in television might be a black comedy called Weeds. We thought word of mouth about its evil wit might propel it to the top last night. In fact, its third showing got just 733,000 in the mainland capitals -- half a million less than the number who saw it last week. So Australians are not turning into dope fiends, Nine does not yet have a summer hit, and this column is not a trend spotter. Not even the magnificent Anne Heche in Men in Trees on Wednesday could give Nine the numbers it needs for a summer boost.

That seems an appropriate note on which to bow out for a while. On Friday, this editor is taking a break for eight weeks, and Fairfax shows no sign of appointing anyone else to do the daily update of this blog (though there may be weekly updates). So after responding to any last minute questions today, I will say: Lets meet again in February.

What Australia watched, Thursday
Description Network Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 NINE NEWS and CRICKET Nine 1,547,000 380,000 515,000 267,000 181,000 204,000
2 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,306,000 325,000 472,000 230,000 137,000 143,000
3 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,287,000 349,000 465,000 181,000 136,000 156,000
4 MIDSOMER MURDERS RPT Nine 1,121,000 361,000 368,000 144,000 107,000 142,000
5 THE ASHES: THIRD TEST Nine 1,065,000 303,000 363,000 168,000 120,000 111,000
6 THE AMAZING RACE 8 Seven 1,008,000 264,000 320,000 166,000 125,000 132,000
7 WILL & GRACE Seven 912,000 250,000 273,000 213,000 82,000 95,000
8 THAT '70S SHOW Seven 886,000 220,000 309,000 181,000 81,000 95,000
9 ABC NEWS ABC 858,000 232,000 245,000 158,000 95,000 127,000
10 LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT RPT Ten 836,000 228,000 242,000 183,000 90,000 94,000
11 TOP 40 CELEBRITY COUNTDOWN Seven 829,000 221,000 260,000 128,000 110,000 110,000
12 NUMB3RS Ten 805,000 218,000 271,000 132,000 97,000 87,000
13 THE LOOP Seven 774,000 234,000 232,000 166,000 69,000 74,000
14 7.30 REPORT ABC 739,000 209,000 204,000 120,000 78,000 128,000
15 PSYCHIC INVESTIGATORS ABC 694,000 181,000 177,000 167,000 60,000 110,000
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

What Australia watched, Wednesday
Description Network Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,301,000 386,000 372,000 219,000 150,000 174,000
2 ABC NEWS ABC 1,203,000 333,000 363,000 227,000 133,000 146,000
3 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,175,000 339,000 322,000 211,000 133,000 170,000
4 NINE NEWS Nine 1,077,000 282,000 318,000 231,000 146,000 100,000
5 DISORDERLY CONDUCT CAUGHT ON TAPE Seven 1,045,000 234,000 307,000 213,000 129,000 162,000
6 A CURRENT AFFAIR Nine 1,020,000 271,000 327,000 217,000 106,000 100,000
7 7.30 REPORT ABC 1,005,000 301,000 264,000 214,000 101,000 125,000
8 THE UNIT Seven 921,000 234,000 287,000 154,000 109,000 137,000
9 MEN IN TREES Nine 888,000 285,000 258,000 155,000 99,000 90,000
10 MY FAMILY ABC 835,000 257,000 182,000 179,000 92,000 125,000

What Australia watched, Tuesday
Description Network Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 SCU: SERIOUS CRASH UNIT Seven 1,392,000 365,000 392,000 295,000 144,000 197,000
2 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,314,000 319,000 387,000 236,000 157,000 216,000
3 ABC NEWS ABC 1,234,000 359,000 389,000 236,000 124,000 126,000
4 BORDER PATROL NZ Seven 1,213,000 367,000 310,000 257,000 118,000 160,000
5 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,206,000 296,000 326,000 234,000 139,000 211,000
6 NINE NEWS Nine 1,125,000 331,000 362,000 208,000 138,000 84,000
7 LIFE BEGINS Seven 1,114,000 311,000 313,000 193,000 131,000 165,000
8 A CURRENT AFFAIR Nine 1,097,000 340,000 348,000 192,000 132,000 84,000
9 7.30 REPORT ABC 1,048,000 299,000 333,000 204,000 117,000 94,000
10 PARKINSON ABC 962,000 282,000 281,000 144,000 134,000 121,000
(OzTAM prelimary estimates, mainland capitals)

What Australia watched, Monday
Description Network Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1,461,000 455,000 388,000 235,000 171,000 212,000
2 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1,303,000 337,000 383,000 228,000 172,000 185,000
3 A CURRENT AFFAIR Nine 1,260,000 398,000 401,000 234,000 124,000 103,000
4 ABC NEWS ABC 1,241,000 355,000 365,000 221,000 144,000 156,000
5 DYNASTIES ABC 1,189,000 393,000 347,000 197,000 129,000 123,000
6 NINE NEWS Nine 1,137,000 321,000 356,000 245,000 135,000 81,000
7 7.30 REPORT ABC 1,127,000 351,000 330,000 180,000 128,000 139,000
8 VANISHED Seven 998,000 317,000 346,000 123,000 109,000 104,000
9 THE KING OF QUEENS Nine 963,000 292,000 315,000 185,000 101,000 70,000
10 CSI: MIAMI -RPT Nine 963,000 330,000 313,000 173,000 146,000
11 THAT '70S SHOW Seven 923,000 275,000 242,000 155,000 114,000 137,000
12 THE GREAT WEIGHT DEBATE NO.2 Nine 918,000 266,000 315,000 162,000 93,000 81,000
13 STANDOFF Seven 917,000 270,000 318,000 126,000 98,000 105,000
14 TEN NEWS AT FIVE Ten 899,000 221,000 279,000 140,000 124,000 133,000
15 THE MASTER Seven 839,000 257,000 233,000 156,000 102,000 92,000
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

What Australia watched, Sunday
Description Network Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 NINE NEWS SUNDAY Nine 1,305,000 314,000 553,000 208,000 152,000 77,000
2 THE REAL SEACHANGE Seven 1,185,000 263,000 395,000 242,000 128,000 157,000
3 WAKING THE DEAD Nine 1,072,000 288,000 346,000 159,000 130,000 148,000
4 SEVEN NEWS - SUN Seven 1,050,000 210,000 279,000 223,000 149,000 189,000
5 SWIMMING CHAMPIONSHIPS Nine 1,007,000 307,000 368,000 208,000 124,000
6 YOU'VE GOT THE JOB Seven 1,003,000 239,000 312,000 213,000 109,000 130,000
7 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE Ten 997,000 228,000 312,000 210,000 140,000 107,000
8 EGYPT Seven 980,000 277,000 274,000 204,000 124,000 101,000
9 TEN NEWS AT FIVE SUN Ten 916,000 199,000 323,000 159,000 116,000 120,000
10 ABC NEWS-SUN ABC 908,000 235,000 315,000 144,000 90,000 123,000
11 BACK TO THE FUTURE RPT Ten 756,000 220,000 240,000 114,000 99,000 82,000
12 SPORTS TONIGHT SUN Ten 733,000 156,000 242,000 157,000 72,000 107,000
13 Movie LE DIVORCE Seven 701,000 188,000 281,000 105,000 78,000 50,000
14 WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU -RPT Nine 690,000 255,000 184,000 154,000 97,000
15 SCHOOLS SPECTACULAR 2006 ABC 684,000 265,000 153,000 116,000 73,000 76,000
(OzTam preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

To test yourself on whether you're fit to be an Australian citizen, click here.

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 10:07 AM
• Comments (136)

WHO WE ARE: Boozers, slackers, breeders

A weekly column by David Dale.
Published in The Sun-Herald, 31/12/2006.
This is the last day on which I can write the words "This is what Australians learned about themselves this year", if what I mean is 2006. If you're reading this with a hangover from New Year's Eve festivities, cast your mind back to the year when the Bureau of Statistics declared Australia to be a nation of ...

Wheezers. Our rate of asthma is the second highest in the world (after Scotland) -- 10 per cent of Australians say they have it, and it's the most common disorder of children under 14.
Geezers. Half the population are now over the age of 37, and 15 per cent are over 65. A century ago, the median age was 22 and only four per cent were over 65. That's because medicine is prolonging our lives. The Bureau reported that this year's "standardised death rate" of 6.0 deaths per 1,000 population is the lowest on record, way down from 9.8 in 1985. Soon we'll all live forever, and our schools will be turned into nursing homes.
Boozers. While 62 per cent of adults drink alcohol at least once a week, 13 per cent drink at what the bureau calls a risky to high risk level -- averaging more than four glasses of wine or beer a day for men, more than three glasses a day for women. The bureau warns that this kind of alcohol consumption makes them prime candidates for "heart, stroke and vascular diseases, liver cirrhosis and some cancers. It also contributes to disability and death through accidents, violence, suicide and homicide." In 1995, only 8 per cent drank at a level risky to health.
Speeders. Only 14 per cent of Australians use public transport, while 80 per cent use cars to get to work or education. The Bureau says 11.2 million passenger vehicles were registered in 2006, up 11 per cent on 2002.
Slackers. We sit around too much, with 70 per cent of adults confessing exercise levels less than the recommended minimum of 150 minutes of moderate activity a week. Of these, nearly half recorded no useful exercise at all in the two weeks before they were surveyed. The bureau warns that this kind of physical inactivity "increases all causes of mortality, doubles the risk of cardiovascular disease, Type 2 diabetes, and obesity. It also increases the risks of colon and breast cancer, high blood pressure, lipid disorders, osteoporosis, depression and anxiety."
Sinners. We're getting married later, or not at all. The median age for men to marry is now 32 (up from 29 in 1995) and for women it's 30 (up from 27). And 76 per cent of people who get married say they lived together beforehand. Tasmania is the wickedest State --

84 per cent live in sin first -- while NSW is the most virtuous (69 per cent unsanctified cohabitation). These days 32 per cent of births are to unmarried parents, up from 15 per cent in 1985.
Breeders. Suddenly the birth rate is rising, after a ten year decline. It is now 1.81 babies per woman, compared to 1.73 in 2001. Most new babies are to women between 30 and 39.

This year the Bureau had to speed up the population clock on its website (www.abs.gov.au). Now a new baby joins us every one minute and 59 seconds, while we get a new immigrant every four minutes and 47 seconds and somebody dies every three minutes and 54 seconds, leading to an overall increase of one person every two minutes and 11 seconds.

If you look at the pop clock at midnight, you'll see us at 20,726,500. Better start planning how to celebrate 21 million in 2008. That's next year, if you're hung over.

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. To join a daily discussion of Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

• by David Dale in Who We Are at 01:38 AM
• Comments (25)