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Your restaurant rules

by David Dale.
"Never eat in a restaurant that revolves or floats" is the first of a set of guiding principles this column has been developing over the past 20 years, designed to help travellers find a decent meal when they're in a strange town or suburb.

We update the list with advice from readers every couple of years, and since so many new eateries have opened in Sydney in the past three months, it's clearly time to launch this discussion again.

Analysis of eating habits may seem odd in a column normally devoted to how Australians consume popular culture, but in the past 20 years, restaurants have become mass entertainment. City people dine out more often than they go to the cinema, and thereby develop sophisticated early warning systems to avoid unpleasant experiences. So give us your wisdom on how these guidelines can be expanded:

2. A restaurant with a pepper grinder on every table is likely to be good -- as opposed to a restaurant where the waiter thrusts a metre-long pepper grinder in your ear.

3. The number of spelling errors on a menu is inversely proportional to the quality of the cooking.

4. A restaurant that offers a "two-for-one deal" on a piece of paper handed to you in the street or a booklet sold through your school or workplace is unlikely to be state of the art.

5. A restaurant that lists four pasta shapes in one column and four sauces in another column, and invites you to "mix 'n' match", is unlikely to be run by an Italian.

6. A restaurant that offers all dishes in "mild", "medium" and "hot" is unlikely to be run by an Indian.

7. Given the choice between a Mexican restaurant and a Thai restaurant, and in the absence of any other information, go Thai.

8. The use of the word "northern" in front of a cuisine's nationality may mean only that the food has less flavour; the use of the word "modern" before the nationality may mean only that the servings are smaller.

9. A menu that uses more than 20 words to describe each dish signifies a kitchen lacking in confidence.

10. Restaurants that advertise themselves as "wine, dine and dance" are likely to disappoint on all counts.

11. A restaurant where the waiters introduce themselves ("Hi, my name is Jason and I'll be your server tonight") is unlikely to offer value for money. Ditto a restaurant where the waiter compliments you on your choice of dish.

12. A restaurant in which one wall is covered with signed black and white photographs of celebrities is unlikely to be state of the art, even if the celebrities include Bert Newton.

13. Restaurants advertising karaoke are unlikely to be gastronomic temples, but this will become less important as you become less sober.

14. Never eat in a restaurant that is recommended in any free publication you find in your hotel room -- even if the ad for the restaurant appears on a different page from the recommendation.

15. Restaurants that display their menus outside are likely to be more interesting than those that don't (and also make the application of these theories much easier).

Now let's hear yours

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. To join a daily discussion of Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

COMMENTS

If you want to eat ethnic foods, eat where the people of that country eat. It will seldom be the flashest restaurant, but the food will be way up there.

  • by Rob on January 17, 2006 at 01:35 AM

If you're going to have Asian food, always go for the authentic version and not a westernized imitation. It's rarely an improvement and and only thing westernized is the price.

  • by JD on January 17, 2006 at 01:44 AM

Before you flinch at ordering a burger that'd cost 2-3 times what you'd usually pay at a fast food chain, just take comfort in the fact that it's probably one of the cheapest things on the menu.

  • by JD on January 17, 2006 at 01:51 AM

Never eat at an asian restaurant where there are more caucasian diners than asian ones. Applies to other nationalities.

  • by Michelle on January 17, 2006 at 02:04 AM

The bigger the menu, the worse the food will be. "We specialise in the following 350 dishes, and 40 styles of cooking..."
Also, if it's, say, a Japanese restaurant, look to see if it's full of Japanese customers. And a Chinese restaurant frequented by elderly Chines folk is likely to be good -- they tend to not tolerate crappy food.
Any place with a motto is probably bad.

  • by James M on January 17, 2006 at 03:20 AM

Never eat at a Tibetan restuarent that has cutlery

  • by chris gilchrist on January 17, 2006 at 06:48 AM

Taking point 11 further, if wait staff are wearing name tags and it's not McDonalds, it's likely to be Doyles, I mean terrible.
Oh, and wait staff at Tetsuya's introduce themselves, and at many other fine dining establishments.

  • by Benn on January 17, 2006 at 07:05 AM

If you're looking to go to a romantic restaurant forget any that comes with a children's menu.

  • by Daniel on January 17, 2006 at 07:34 AM

Look for the dark restaurants that are hiding in backstreets or have no shopfront. Often its the places you can't see that are the best hidden culinary secrets.

  • by Nic on January 17, 2006 at 07:57 AM

Never expect a restaurant with a permanent vinyl coated menu to have anything other than pre-packaged, un-imaginative and mass produced food by cooks instead of chefs. Restaurants that serve fresh seasonal foods and specials print up a menu of the day, on chalkboard or a sheet handed to you.

  • by Marilee on January 17, 2006 at 07:57 AM

If you love wine with dinner always take your favourite. Even "No BYO" will allow it if you say it is for a special occasion.

  • by Max on January 17, 2006 at 08:13 AM

The bigger the menu card, the smaller & more expensive the meal

  • by Peter on January 17, 2006 at 08:21 AM

Try a home cooked meal, if you remember what one is.

  • by john on January 17, 2006 at 08:22 AM

Any menu with pictures of the food is best avoided.
A restaurant where there are no specialities (printed or otherwise) means all the food is equally bad.
The restaurant is empty. Especially notable when there are other restaurants nearby and people are queueing to get in.
There is no soap in the bathroom.
"Mamma" or "Pappa" is a 22-year old exchange student.

  • by Peter P on January 17, 2006 at 08:22 AM

Ignore the critics. The best genuine ethnic food is in the suburbs where someone who is actually from the country is running the kitchen and cares about the food. Just because a place charges five times what others are charging doesn't make it five times better.

  • by Andrew on January 17, 2006 at 08:23 AM

If you plan on going to a restaurant where any menu items contain "jus" then slip $10 into your shoe before leaving home. That way you can buy a burger on the way home so you don't go to bed poor AND hungry.

  • by Mile on January 17, 2006 at 08:30 AM

NEVER EVER eat anything that looks like rusty water, containing various fungi and noodles, from a big giant Buddha head. YOU WILL be hocking your guts up in a pit toilet in Shenzhen the next day wondering how on earth to get back to the hotel. ALSO with reference to paragraph one, I refer to a well known floating restaurant in Hong Kong. Sure, go for a look! It is very shiny! But! Unless you are ready to experience complete and utter disdain for westerners, 45 minute wait time for any attention from staff (and still that was only as a result of throwing a fork), cocktails that tasted like warm alcoholic Tang served in cups no bigger than thimbles, all for very Western pricing, your time would be better spent just checking out their web site, it is as about as satisfying as the dining experience, without the cab fair. In all fairness, we drank their Tang and left, so actually cannot comment on the food itself.

  • by Benn on January 17, 2006 at 08:48 AM

The exceptions to rule 8, are Northern Thai and Northern Chinese, both more flavourful than their southern cousins usually just called Thai and Chinese

  • by Jill on January 17, 2006 at 08:49 AM

Why is it that when you visit a really bad restaurant (and all you want to do is get the bill and go home), it takes forever to get the waiter's attention to get the bill?
In fact, I think you could probably derive a mathematical equation in relation to the time it takes to get the bill, being directly proportional to the pleasure enjoyed at the restaurant.
Also, the quality of a good restaurant is always the "toilet" test. If it's out the back, through the kitchen, passed the deep freezer and into a back alley, chances are the restaurant might not be of the highest order.
Just a thought.
Justin

  • by Justin on January 17, 2006 at 08:49 AM

Being from a Indian background, never dine at an Indian restaurant that's flashy or in a flashy suburb. It usually means a rip-off.

  • by sfx on January 17, 2006 at 08:50 AM

For me, apart from 1st hand experience, the only other criteria for a good restaurant is an imaginative and creative menue citing the various herbs and spices used in the preperation of their dishes

  • by peter maniatis on January 17, 2006 at 08:53 AM

The less clothes the waitresses are wearing, the lower the quality of the food.

  • by Deborah on January 17, 2006 at 08:54 AM

When looking for Asian food, often the dirtiest, dingiest looking restaurant will provide the best tasting food.
Any restaurant that has a huge bar selection is looking to make money from its bar rather than good food, so avoid at all costs.

  • by Timbo on January 17, 2006 at 08:54 AM

In the case of asian food:
1. The number of spelling errors on a menu sometimes indicates a higher level of authenticity of the restaurant. Can't speak english? No problems! Just cook me your local specialty.
2. Never eat at Japanese restaurants or sushi take aways which are run by non Japanese (a la Chinese or Koreans). The same applies to Thai restaurants trying to serve Malaysian/Indonesian cuisine.
3. At a chinese restaurant, remember to ask for the free soup for starters. They won't give it to caucasians unless you ask for it. They are afraid you won't drink it so when they do give it to you don't waste it. Any chinese meal beginning with fortune cookies is a no no.
4. If there are no asians in the restaurant then its probably bad.
5. 9/10 Fusion cuisine is just a fancy way of taking a traditional recipe, cooking it with the wrong kind of meat and veg, seving you a smaller portion and charging you through the nose.
6. If you get friendly with the proprieter, he might give you a sizable discount the next time you come in.

  • by Nath on January 17, 2006 at 08:54 AM

Don't take it for granted that when travelling to NZ that stuffed grilled mushrooms are nothing less than a bucket of burnt tennis balls or frozen, deep fried balls of belly ache.
The price of the menu is not always propotionate to quality.
Just because a country has fantastic produce does not automatically transform food warmers into chefs.
NZ is a beautiful country - it's a shame the french didn't get there first.

  • by Bongo on January 17, 2006 at 08:57 AM

The rules of good pizzerias:
- If "ham & pineaple" or "supreme" are listed, walk away.
- Any more than 4 toppings on a base is a crime against latin gastronomy (otherise known as the "less is more Priniciple')

  • by John-Paul Bossi on January 17, 2006 at 08:58 AM

Avoid any dish that has the word surprise in the description. Eg Seafood surprise. Your surprise may be discovered the next morning starting with cramps then followed by the 10m dash down the hall to the toot.

  • by Bongo on January 17, 2006 at 09:05 AM

Take your POINT No.4 have you ever heard of the "Entertainment Book".. full of exceptional eateries across sydney. Also Point 11. Have you Never been to ORSO or Tetsuya's... Go on FOOL tell me that they are crap..
If you truely want a great meal then best go to the Fish Markets grab a couple of kilo's of prawns and few dozen oysters a nicely chilled bottle of wine; sit in the back yard and contemplate "What are the Poor doing today"... Thats a dinner.

  • by costo on January 17, 2006 at 09:10 AM

I would contest point 3. Many a great cheap, no-frills Asian restaurant could not spell to save its life.
And I would take point 7 further and suggest avoiding Mexican, full stop...unless in Mexico.

  • by Fabian on January 17, 2006 at 09:18 AM

Be careful if you see more english words than the asian language words on the menu, you are either paying too much or eating at the wrong place.

  • by Guy on January 17, 2006 at 09:19 AM

Never eat in an empty restaurant. There will be no witnesses if you drop dead after the first bite.

  • by Zlaya on January 17, 2006 at 09:20 AM

Where ethnic restaurants have say, a menu in Chinese and one in English, you can be sure there are different. Always have a look around you to see what the Chinese patrons are eating- chances are they're not on the English menu.

  • by Amel on January 17, 2006 at 09:27 AM

Square or other shaped plates are usually used to try and make an average meal look 'funky' - if I want funk I go dancing at a 'Soul' night. Pre wrapped butter portions (especially the ones that read best before June 2009) that are bundled into a basket with really doughy bread (the type that is pre baked and refrigerated - looking suspiciously like the colour of British skin before the summer) instantaneously sinks my anticipations with a thud. Places prefixed by 'Mumma' are normally supposed to be avoided, unless you walk straight into the warm bulging bosom of an Italian mumma, that tucks a napkin into the collar of your shirt and slaps steaming hot bowls of spaghetti down in front of you as you sit next to her nephew at a big table covered in butcher paper.

  • by Pearly Shells on January 17, 2006 at 09:28 AM

don't eat oysters west of dubbo - unless you have been personally introduced

  • by Sally on January 17, 2006 at 09:36 AM

I say that too many people automatically think that restaurants in their own suburb are somehow less appealing than if you have to drive more than 10 mins. I say eat LOCAL, when you can. Make a note of trying every restaurant (according to your tastes) in your suburb before heading further afield. I have discovered some gems this way....

  • by Leighton on January 17, 2006 at 09:40 AM

Restaurants owned by celebrity chefs, unless highly ranked and awarded are ALWAYS bad AND/OR overrated to hell

  • by Sid on January 17, 2006 at 09:44 AM

If the waiter routinely asks diners if everything is ok, the establishment is not confident about their product or service.
If, after being asked whether you would prefer sparkling or still water, you opt for still, you are likely to find references in the bill at the end of the evening for $10 bottles of Italian spring water.
If a Japanese restaurant uses the phrase "Japanese and Korean" in its title, the proprietors & kitchen staff will be Korean and any Japanese food on the menu will be a Korean interpretation of the original (this includes sushi).
If the menu contains any dishes that include the word "foam" in the title, leave immediately. Foam is so 1999.
If you find that the charming, cheap and cheeful BBQ duck restaurant you frequented as a student has suddenly revamped its interior with glossy photographs and the wait staff now wear cheesy logoed shirts, avoid it like the plague as the prices are likely to have trebled.

  • by Damien on January 17, 2006 at 09:47 AM

BEWARE BONDI...... Campbell Parade...
The staff can't speak english - my waiter didn't know what butter was?! One waiter tried to hand me a strawberry milkshake and tell me it was a bloody mary, I was given a poached egg that a dog wouldn't eat and to top it if off we were charged for things we didn't have, other patrons were having the same experience - not all, but most cafes are like this in Bondi (in Summer)... I felt like I was totally ripped off. It should be counted as theft - Always in summer, you go to Bondi and business owners rip off the public and the travellers alike..

  • by kate on January 17, 2006 at 09:49 AM

I agree with Rob. Go to the suburbs for ethnic food that will be delicious and cheaper than the city. Even better if the menus are in both English and the native language of the restaurant type!

  • by Rob on January 17, 2006 at 09:51 AM

If the 'house white' and 'house red' are served from a cask then the rest of the meal will be substandard as well. Generally if care hasn't been put into the wine menu then care won't have been put into the food. The exception to this rule is the occassional hole in the wall Italian place which doesn't take bookings, doesn't advertise but everyone seems to know about. Here the cheap Italian wines are usually bellissimo!

  • by Katrina on January 17, 2006 at 09:56 AM

If the restaurant does not use a table cover (that is replaced after each customer's meal) and your cutlery is placed in contact with the unclean top of the table, it is very likely the hygiene standards inside the kitchen won?t be more sophisticated than the ones displayed in front of you.

  • by Carlos Naves on January 17, 2006 at 10:08 AM

If you have a truly delectable meal at an Indian restaurant don't ruin the experience by finishing it off with a coffee - you will always be disappointed.
Even with 43 beans it won't be tolerable.
DJ

  • by David jay on January 17, 2006 at 10:11 AM

Always ask where the Chef is from. For example, Spanish restaurants with Chinese chefs or Indian restaurants with Nepalese chefs are best avoided. It means they are cutting costs in the kitchen and hence everywhere else.
Also there is no international cuisine west of the Blue Mountains, north of Wyong or south of Wollongong (unless you are in Melbourne). Go the the local pub for a steak sandwich and avoid the disappointment.

  • by James on January 17, 2006 at 10:24 AM

Avoid tablecloths.

  • by Damien on January 17, 2006 at 10:26 AM

the best sign of a good restaurant is when you go to one with a 13 year old bottle of red wine, and they decanter it for you without even asking. that tops it for me. a plug for my top spot is Il Piave in Rozelle

  • by Kathryn Lindsay on January 17, 2006 at 10:31 AM

"Never eat in Bondi" was said before, and I'll say it again.
As a local, I'm devastated by the filthy footpaths and appauling service, smelly bins outside restaurants and cafes - you know they don't wash their hands don't you? Save your money and eat somewhere else

  • by Charles J on January 17, 2006 at 10:34 AM

If the cheapest wine by the glass option is more expensive than a decent standard bottle of wine bought at the local bottleshop (ie: $15) then you are bound to be ripped off by the rest of the meal.
A thai restaurant without a box of tissues on the table is not an authentic thai restaurant.
An indian restaurant with cloth napkins is not an authentic indian restaurant.
An italian restaurant that cant spell bolognese or pronounce bruschetta is not an authentic italian restaurant.
Don't order the seafood main at a steakhouse (conversely, don't order a steak at the seafood restaurant).

Don't tip if the waiter stands over you whilst you are signing the bill.

Don't eat at restaurants that don't take bookings (w**kers).

  • by rael on January 17, 2006 at 10:37 AM

Most cafes and restaurants along Oxford St in Darlinghurst are dreadful - rude service, disgraceful food. There are a couple of exceptions: look for those not aimed directly at the "pink dollar"

  • by Shane on January 17, 2006 at 10:37 AM

I always find that if the bread served before the meal is superb then guarantee the meal will be terrific. Sadly the reverse applies, dud bread = ordinary meal.Wise information passed onto to me by wise restaurent veteran of a mother in law!
Regards
Rob

  • by Robert Gillespie on January 17, 2006 at 10:39 AM

We have a fine dining experience in Darwin, whereby the waiter/owner does not open your choice of bottled wine at the table in front of you. Rumour has it that he has been serving cask wine under this guise for about 25 years. - and getting away with it !!!!

  • by Kim on January 17, 2006 at 10:42 AM

Ok, this applies to 'cafes' and not restaurants, but, if you want a good coffee, avoid places that:
1. Have their grinder full of ground coffee, particularly if the place is not really busy.
2. Have their filter holders (the bits they put the ground coffee into) anywhere other than in the brew groups (the bits the filter holders attach to).
3. They have 'expresso' on the menu list.
4. Once they fill the filter holder with ground coffee, they don't tamp or press the coffee.
5. The milk steaming arm is encrusted with old, caked on milk.
6. Serve milk-based drinks where the milk foam resembles soap suds.
7. Serve latte glasses with napkins wrapped around them (it means the milk is too hot and is burnt).
8. 'Specialise' in flavoured coffee.
9. Don't know what a ristretto is.
10. Are only frequented by mother's groups with their prams or strollers.
11. Only serve coffee in cardboard cups, even if you are having it in.
12. Serve 'mugoccinos'.
13. Pour an espresso in either 5 seconds or 50 seconds.
Also, at a restaurant, don't order a coffee if the waiter is the one making it.
It amazes me that the best restaurants, who serve great food, great wine in a fantastic environment, forget about the coffee!

  • by PA on January 17, 2006 at 10:45 AM

Stay away from restaurants that offer 'Modern Australian' cuisine. There is no such thing. The menu of such establishments will simply feature bastardised ethnic dishes, coupled with an 'Off the Grill' selection that is in reality poorly disguised backyard bbq fare - without the benefit of marinade or sauce and usually burnt to a crisp outside whilst traces of a heartbeat are pulsating through the inside. Efficient method to get a good dose of carcinogenics and gastro-virus though.

  • by kfc on January 17, 2006 at 10:49 AM

Restaurants where the specials on the blackboard cannot be erased should be avoided.

  • by Peter on January 17, 2006 at 10:50 AM

Never eat at a restaurant that advertises. Run in the opposite direction if they advertise: "Weddings and functions catered for".

  • by Richard on January 17, 2006 at 11:08 AM

John-Paul Bossi, I like ham & pineapple and supreme pizzas. Just because they're not eaten in Italy, doesn't make them criminal. You Italians are such philistines - you need to get out more and open your minds to different cultures.

  • by Michelle on January 17, 2006 at 11:14 AM

"4. A restaurant that offers a "two-for-one deal" on a piece of paper handed to you in the street or a booklet sold through your school or workplace is unlikely to be state of the art."
This is COMPLETELY wrong.
www.entertainmentbook.com.au
2-for-1 meals, or 25% off the bill, or similar, at restaurants including: Bilsons, Forty One, Cadmus, Harbourkitchen&bar, Jordons, Cafe Sydney, Kingsleys, Summit, etc...
All pretty damn good restaurants. And not really in the same league as a Mamma's Kitchen flyer.

  • by Red on January 17, 2006 at 11:16 AM

Remember, Mexico gave us the tomato, maize (corn), chocolate, vanilla, turkey, avocado, chewing gum (chicle)and the Caesar Salad. Its best restaurants, like Las Mananitas in Cuernavaca, are right up there with the best when you are looking for an unforgettable dining experience, complete with ambience, music and charm. So please no more cheap shots at the expense of our amigos from across the water and their cuisine. Viva Mexico!

David Dale comments: Of course you're right (although the Caesar Salad came from an Italian who happened to be in Tijuana). But where are the great Mexican restaurants in Australia?

  • by Bernardo on January 17, 2006 at 11:18 AM

Never eat at a restaurant where the head waiter constantly fights with the head chef in front of all customers , boxes of produce are left in view of customers, the floors are dirty, there is a 5 star price for 1 star service and the head waiter (owner) is always bragging about how much money and people they "churn" through in a week. If you haven't guessed it's in Leichardt...

  • by BH on January 17, 2006 at 11:19 AM

Eat where you can afford, example don't save up for a month and then go to somewhere like Est. as you will not enjoy the meal becouse you will always be thinking what else you could have spent the money on..

  • by BlahBlah on January 17, 2006 at 11:24 AM

Always choose international restaurants based on whether there are a large number of diners who are from the cuisine's country.
eg. An Italian restuarant is guaranteed to be superb if there are a large number of diners of Italian heritage.

  • by Francesca on January 17, 2006 at 11:27 AM

What ever happened to good quality Italian Food in Leichardhht?...It seems anybody that can open a can of Leggos will open a restaurant in little Italy these days!

  • by Martin on January 17, 2006 at 11:29 AM

If you are offered a fork at a Chinese restaurant, run!

  • by Melanie on January 17, 2006 at 11:37 AM

Only eat seafood if you can see, hear or smell the ocean.
(passed on from my dad, and whenever I have rebelled, it has always come back to bite me)

  • by Fiona on January 17, 2006 at 11:49 AM

After finding a live squirming sea-worm in an oyster, and having a live cockroach escaping from my manaish down my arm, the best and only restaurant I frequent these days is at home!!!

  • by Muzzy on January 17, 2006 at 11:50 AM

"Also there is no international cuisine west of the Blue Mountains, north of Wyong or south of Wollongong (unless you are in Melbourne"
James are you serious? Newcastle has some fantastic Greek and Italian restaurants courtesy of the BHP migrants. Typical of Sydney snobbery...

  • by Andrew on January 17, 2006 at 11:51 AM

Request a bottle of "Sydney Water" for the table. It will keep everyone hydrated without the nasty "Italian Spring" $10 surprise when the cheque comes.

  • by Tim on January 17, 2006 at 12:11 PM

if the waitress begins proceedings with "hiya guys", replete with rising inflection, be assured she/he will stuff the order up.

  • by hank rango on January 17, 2006 at 12:19 PM

In famous food suburbs such as Leichhardt the best food is found one to two blocks off the main strip!

  • by Alison on January 17, 2006 at 12:19 PM

1, If you want ham and pineapple then go to Pizza Hut. Good Pizza dough should not be wasted on ham and pineapple.
Similarly, you don't order sweet and sour pork at a Chinese restaurant or teriyaki chicken at a Japanese restaurant.
Ham and pineapple, sweet and sour pork and teriyaki chicken exist on these menus to cater to the more uninformed masses.
2, The amount of good restaurants in the Entertainment book is outweighed by the amount of bad. I've been to enough places in that book to know that most of these places eitehr have horrible service or bbq ribs that rely purely on the sauce and the difference in flavour of dishes is based on salt levels.

  • by Sid on January 17, 2006 at 12:22 PM

Comment number nine -have you actually been west of the blue mountains? Some of the best Thai and Indian meals I have had have been served 'out west' - authentic meals from native chefs. It's a little five years ago to think there's nothing of any value outside the Sydney basin.

  • by Beth on January 17, 2006 at 12:28 PM

You asked where the good Mexican restaurants are...the best one I have been to is Pancho's in Mortdale. Its a tiny restaurant with one man running the kitchen but the food is excellent and very reasonably priced.

  • by Amy on January 17, 2006 at 12:45 PM

When the waitress/owner of a small Peruvian restaurant tells you about the live traditional music in the restaurant on the weekend, and invites you just to come listen with no obligation to purchase a meal, you know you've found a place with great people. Great people make great food.
La Cocina Peruana in Randwick is well worth a visit.

  • by Mathew on January 17, 2006 at 12:51 PM

David Dale asks: "But where are the great Mexican restaurants in Australia?"
There are none. As Mr Dale is no doubt aware, Mexico has a staggering range of regional cuisines, and what is passed off as "Mexican" here is just bastardised Tex-Mex.
Even the better-known regional dishes are almost unheard of here. You might see a "mole negro" every now and then, but mole verde or mole rojo, never. In the north of Mexico, cabrito (char-grilled baby goat) is common, and the Yucatecans make fantastic, lightly-seasoned soups and stews.
I'd better stop now, as I'm making myself hungry.

  • by Phil on January 17, 2006 at 12:54 PM

A restaurant which does not take bookings will invariably have you drunk (and hungry) before you get a table.

  • by Pete on January 17, 2006 at 12:56 PM

Never eat at a restaurant next door to an animal shelter or pet shop.

  • by MML on January 17, 2006 at 01:00 PM

My wife swears by this one - if you are turning up without a booking, never settle for a restaurant that is empty or close to empty. Better to put your name down and come back in half an hour at a busy establishment, than to take the best table in an empty restaurant. Of course, if everyone applied this theory, the empty restaurants would never become full...

  • by CH on January 17, 2006 at 01:01 PM

James,
you state "there is no international cuisine west of the Blue Mountains" you have obviously not heard of Collits Inn at hartley (thats west of the blue mountains for you city folk)...umm SMH actually gave this fine french establishment 'Two Hats'.
http://www.collitsinn.com.au/

  • by john on January 17, 2006 at 01:06 PM

this is from today's good living in the smh. but we must remember signor terzini was connected with john laws, so this level of arrogance shouldn't surprise:
"Jazz is the main type of music heard at Icebergs, though Terzini will on occasion... blast some opera through the restaurant's sound system.
He's also likely to increase the volume if diners complain about the choice of music. "It's great sometimes to rattle the dining room and remind the client that they are in your room."
god forbid anyone would want to actually enjoy the meal and some conversation.

  • by mr rango on January 17, 2006 at 01:16 PM

Re: the comment by James as to never eat at a restaurant where the chef is not the same nationality as the restaurant - Not true I know a great french patisserie where the chinese head pastry chef was taught everything he knows by the orignal French owner. There are still queues out the door and the business has been going 30 years!

  • by Clc on January 17, 2006 at 01:16 PM

A restaurant in the Hunter Valley. Waitress opened the bottle of wine away from our table, brought it over and plonked it on the table with a, "There you go" and left. The food was pretty mediocre as well. Avoid eating in restaurants attached to motels.

  • by Sarah on January 17, 2006 at 01:20 PM

Do make good use of the sommelier - but ignore their suggestion if they offer it before asking what you will be eating.
Avoid Italian restaurants that still serve dessicated floor shavings called "parmesan" - you know the stuff, your Mum used to keep it in the pantry.

  • by saffy on January 17, 2006 at 01:22 PM

A rule that encompasses many points above: The restaurant that has a selling point other than its food (ie. a view, is on Oxford or Norton Sts, at Circular Quay, Bondi etc) doesn't NEED good food to get customers. The restaurant in the backstreet does. Tho this doesn't necessarily apply to top-end establishments.

  • by kylie on January 17, 2006 at 01:31 PM

If you are having a cheap night out and are using those "Two for One" or "Second Meal Half-Price" coupons, always show it after you get the bill so they dont serve you the crappy version of the meal, then if they get narky about it and act as thought you are the first person ever to present one of those coupons it is a good excuse to not leave a tip.

  • by Mike on January 17, 2006 at 01:32 PM

"Never eat at a restaurant where the chef is not the same nationality as the restaurant"
False.
the head chef of sushi-e is not Japanese.
the head chef of Longrain is not Thai
Mark Best of Marque is not a Frenchman
Neil Perry is not Chinese
But all these chefs run top quality restaurants, some known world wide.
A good dining experience is based on the food, atmosphere and service, not the colour of the man or woman behind the stove.

  • by Sid on January 17, 2006 at 01:34 PM

1. If you can smell the bathroom when at the front door of the establishment, then for gods sake don't ask for a table.
2. If it takes more then 10 minutes before a waiter takes your order, walk out. Your order will take at least 5 times that time to be cooked.
3. Beware restaurants that ask you to "wait at the bar whilst we prepare your table". The menu will be over priced and the food mediocre. (the only exception to this rule is Tetsuya�s ). It goes without saying the drinks will, inevitably, be extremely expensive.
4. If you're eating Asian food and the entire restaurant is filled with Caucasians, (the only possible exception to this RSL that does Yum Chia on Pitt Water Road and/or Thai)
5. Avoid buffet food at all cost, full stop

  • by Peter Chirgwin on January 17, 2006 at 01:35 PM

Good Mexican food: I can't say that I'm a huge expert on Mexican cuisine however I do love good food! I have been twice now to Newton's Cocina on King Street in Newtown and both times have been gastronomically delightful. Friendly and attentive staff even when restaurant was full the both times I ate there, reasonable prices, decent margaritas, and delicious food. Definitely worth a try!

  • by Benn on January 17, 2006 at 01:37 PM

When dining with a large group of girlfriends, double check your bill at the end- some establishments will list an additional bottle of wine you didn't recieve, thinking you're all too pissy to notice.

  • by Sal on January 17, 2006 at 01:38 PM

Never order anything described as a 'medley'. In my experience of working in restaurants, this constitutes everything the chef wishes to get rid of out of the fridge.

  • by Gemm on January 17, 2006 at 01:41 PM

Eat the food they are suposed to be cooking not the food they are cooking for some fussy eater. Seafood restaurants make seafood and any asian restaurants will never cook an acceptable steak.

  • by Brenden on January 17, 2006 at 01:41 PM

When dining with a large group of mates, double check your bill at the end - some establishments may think you guys are girls and will list an additional bottle of wine you didn't recieve, thinking you're all too pissy to notice.

  • by Mad on January 17, 2006 at 01:42 PM

1. If the bill takes as long as the mains to arrive, it has been cooked! (come on Sydney Maitre'd's - how hard is it?)
2 Choose a restaurant by the coffee they use. Think fresh and local. If the coffee comes in pre-ground "pods", shiny tins or is made by a soft drink company, its likely that the food does too.
3 If water (or the offer of water) on arrival isn't quick and free, expect everything else to be slow and expensive.

  • by michael on January 17, 2006 at 01:44 PM

There is another "mama" style restaurant to be avoided which serves "asian" food (without any precise indication of where in asia it has come from). It is a horrible chain which came from London and has spread like a disease around Sydney. Having lunch there one day with a friend who was allergic to nuts, the waiter could not tell us whether there were nuts in a dish. The manager was trotted out who also couldn't tell us if there were nuts in the dish. The reason, he explained, is because the sauces just come prepackaged and are made up in the "restaurant". We "wagga"ed our fingers and walked out.

  • by Sarah on January 17, 2006 at 01:47 PM

An obvious one: the arrogance of the waiter is inversely proportional to the size of the serving.
Corollary: any trace of waiterly arrogance means that the meal will be poor value.

  • by Phil on January 17, 2006 at 01:50 PM

Avoid restaurants who advertise a list of Chef's Suggestions/Specialties which is longer than 10 dishes.

  • by Rob on January 17, 2006 at 02:02 PM

PA commented "if you want a good coffee, avoid places that....." and then proceeded to list 13 things to look out for. I would like to add one.
14. Dont listen to wankers who proclaim to be gods of coffee knowledge. Have a go and let your taste buds and your mind decide. I have been to many places with only above average coffee but boy what atmosphere and conversation. Nuff Said.

  • by Rids on January 17, 2006 at 02:02 PM

Never eat where the waiters/waitresses are
a) Backpackers
b) Dressed in character
c) In need of a manicure
and avoid theatre restaurants like the plague

  • by Rob on January 17, 2006 at 02:08 PM

What a load of crap! Surely common sense prevails when it comes to chosing a restaurant to spend your hard earned dollars in. If the place looks grubby, chances are so too is the food. If the menu is as long as a Wilbur Smith novel, chances are attention to detail will be lost. If it is not in your price range, don't go there. If you are the kind of person that enjoys going to a restaurant where they charge you 44 dollars for a steak and nothing else on the plate, and oh, by the way, the steak comes how chef likes to cook it, then that is your perogative. If you rely solely on what you read in the paper to make your evaluation of where to dine , you are an idiot. Ever heard of "Don't belive everything you read in the paper" ? Well, the same goes for food critics, and what really qualifys a person to be a food critic? Certainly in this country, the food critic game is almost a monopoly. Is there a food critic school or are food critics selected from an ever increasing pool of tired, washed up, burnt out chefs hell bent on inflicting vendettas against the industry that may have chewed them up and spat them out (Pardon the Pun)? Anyway, it doesn't matter if its the best Cantabrian Anchovy Spain has ever produced, if you don't like Anchovies, chances are, it will not do it for you. If YOU like it, then eat it, drink it, do it. Show some individuality, fads and trends come and go. If you like your Pizza with triple cheese crust, ham, pineapple, cabanosi, ground beef and green capsicum, then good for you. Myself, I would prefer real DOP Mozzarella di Bufala, Fresh Basil, tomato, and olive oil on a thin crust, cooked in a wood fired oven, (if there actually is such a thing). But thats just me.

  • by Andrew Kirk on January 17, 2006 at 02:21 PM

Vulcans at Blackheath - west of the Blue Mountains is a fabulous restaurant, as is the Collis Inn.

  • by Dianne on January 17, 2006 at 02:33 PM

Never eat in a restaurant where there are blood stains on the wall.

  • by Pauline on January 17, 2006 at 02:35 PM

1. Never eat tofu in an Asian dish at a non-Asian restaurant, and beware the vegetables (i.e. a cafe/restaurant that serves a mixture of dishes, and throws in one or two Asian dishes to "cater for some Asians who might turn up"). Chances are Asians don't dine there very often, and they don't sell that dish often. The vegetables and tofu are probably old (and they go off easily) and the chef probably hasn't a clue how to cook them well.
2. Beware any restaurant that hasn't got any patrons in it. At 7pm-9pm!
3. If you're booking a group/party and they give you the "special party menu", ask to see the ordinary menu too. Sometimes, in fact often, it's got better, cheaper, and a greater variety of food.
4. With seafood pizzas, find out if they're using the real crab or that cheap synthetic crab stuff. If the latter ... beware.
5. If you're at an Indian or Mexiacan or African restaurant, don't annoy the chef too much by ordering a hot curry then sending it back with derogatory comments like "That wasn't spicy at all!" or "I couldn't taste a thing, you call that hot? Where was the chilli?" They'll soon fix you, and you'll be breathing fire, sweating, your eyes will be watering, and you might need to visit a hospital. They don't like to be insulted!

  • by Rebecca on January 17, 2006 at 02:41 PM

Nothing worse than being at a so-called fine dining restaurant and the food is served with the question; "who's having the fish/beef etc?" Really is that hard to number the orders?? A real tip killer.

  • by Manny on January 17, 2006 at 02:43 PM

One more. If it's a cold or even slightly brisky evening, and ESPECIALLY if at a restaurant with children, try not to get a table near the door. You'll get the draft with people going in and out. And little kids seem to love jumping up from their seats while they wait for their food, and even while eating, and racing in and out of restaurants, so they create even more of a draft. Brrrrrrrrrrrr! Speak from experience!

  • by Rebecca on January 17, 2006 at 02:45 PM

Never trust a skinny Chef.... they obviously don't eat their own food.

  • by Matt on January 17, 2006 at 03:04 PM

In regard to the point "If you want to eat ethnic foods, eat where the people of that country eat." in general that is true but as westerners like myself have asian partners and spend a significant portion of our time with Asian family both in Australia and overseas, this rule will loose its validity. Just take a look at all the mixed couples in Chinatown, Sydney.

  • by Adam on January 17, 2006 at 03:05 PM

Hey Rids - fair enough, each to their own, but unfortunately, you missed the point (which doesn't seem to surprise me). You actually quoted me as saying 'if you want a good coffee' - I wasn't talking referring to 'if you want a good cafe/wanker being seen exerperience'. Coffee is a perishable product. Tell me - do you buy stale bread? But it's funny, when anyone shows they have a bit more knowledge about something like coffee, wine, food, they are deemed to be a wanker by people like you. Perhaps you should stick to your Charbucks or Gloria Jeans, with your soft furnishings, Cheryl Crow music and Venti Caramel Skinny Frappaccino.

  • by PA on January 17, 2006 at 03:11 PM

Avoid restaurants that make you take your shoes off (Jap, Thai etc). Someone is always bound to have bad foot odour and that can lead to a lot of embarassment - particularly if you are the culprit.

  • by kfc on January 17, 2006 at 03:11 PM

Water is not a privelige it is a necessity, even the USA is ahead of us on this fact.

  • by Matt on January 17, 2006 at 03:12 PM

All Saints Estate Winery Restaurant in Rutherglen is fantastic. A must if you head down south.

  • by John on January 17, 2006 at 04:26 PM

This is awesome and very amusing. I'll add in another completely irrelevant, totally misguided 'rule' ... "Never trust a skinny chef". I heard that one from my dad probably meaning don't trust anyone who doesn't taste their own cooking or something along those lines.

  • by H on January 17, 2006 at 04:27 PM

Stay at home and cook it yourself....that's the best way to get a decent feed.

  • by Jono on January 17, 2006 at 04:31 PM

never eat at a restaurant where at 7pm the chef is sitting in the main door way smoking because
1 They are not busy
2 He doesn't care that his restaurant smells like smoke/ the diners can't taste his food

  • by L on January 17, 2006 at 04:33 PM

A restaurant that will only serve bottled water, not tap water, has no notion of hospitality and is also trying to rip you off. Expect a similar lack of generosity in other areas.
And since when did tipping become compulsory? A tip is a bonus for service beyond the ordinary, not for bog-standard or poor service. Why reward waiters whose service is unsatisfactory? It only encourages them.

  • by JF on January 17, 2006 at 04:35 PM

Adam, I am not certain why 'mixed couples' at an ethnic restaurant invalidates the idea that people of whatever heritage know which restaurants are best?
If a Thai person recommended a Thai restaurant to me, I would know that it was good. If an Italian person recommended an Italian restaurant to me, again I would know it serves good food.

  • by Francesca on January 17, 2006 at 04:47 PM

Restaurants that claim to offer 'gourmet' food do not. It's just that the servings are smaller and may include macadamia nuts.

  • by Greg on January 17, 2006 at 04:56 PM

The ethnic thing should be taken with a grain of salt - particularly with bakeries, as the best french bread is made by vietnamese bakers. A lot of vietnamese chefs also make first class chinese food. There is a vietnamese chef in Brisbane who makes the best Peking Duck - better than Flower Drum and China Moon (in San Fransisco) both renowned for their peking duck.

  • by Heironymous on January 17, 2006 at 04:57 PM

I try and avoid -
>restaurants having the word "lingerie" in their ads
>restaurants where the paintings on the wall are for sale
>rstaurants where the neon sign flashes on and off, whether as a marketing decision or through faulty wiring
>restaurants that use duct tape to hold the decor to the walls

  • by Richard Downes on January 17, 2006 at 05:01 PM

Order and eat food you enjoy and don't worry about trendsetters and hipsters. They aren't the type of people you want as friends, anyhow.

  • by Jake on January 17, 2006 at 05:03 PM

JF why would you bother about the quality of the food if you drink tap water?
Let me see: You pay $30 bucks in a bottle of bourbon and then mix it with tap water ice cubes because you don't want to spend $1.50 in a bottle of water?
Again, you buy a nice bottle of wine, go out for dinner and don't budget for a bottle of water?
Have your refined taste buds ever noticed that greasy taste of these complimentary bottles of water that most restaurants offer?

  • by Joe on January 17, 2006 at 05:05 PM

The best suggestion I have read for all you generalising food snobs, is learn to cook and eat at home!

  • by Karina on January 17, 2006 at 05:33 PM

Selecting a suitable restaurant is only half the battle. Other critical decisions have to be made along the way and there are many traps for the unwary.
My 12 Restaurant Rules are as follows -
1. Try and avoid dining at restaurants on Friday and Saturday nights. A dining experience is unlikely to be good when a restaurant is full and noisy.
Chefs are in overdrive. Waiters are flat out. Service is unlikely to be good.
2. Never attend a restaurant in its first week of operation.
3. Say ?No? to ?Would you like a drink at the bar? ?
Go for a walk instead.
4.Don?t sit
- near the front entrance door or on route to the toilets.
- under or near speakers or air conditioners.
- in close proximity to a family with children.
- near celebrities who will be pampered more than you
- near a reception desk telephone
5. Bring Your Own Cushion (BYOC)
Restaurant seating is often not comfortable for a commercial reason.
6. Bring your Own Bottle Opener (BYOBO)
This prevents trainee staff from attacking your bottle of wine.
7. Bring Your Own Pepper Grinder ( BYOPG) Ground black pepper is boring. Prepare your own concoctions.
8. Bring Your Own Ear Plugs (BYOEP) so that you have a remedy
when staff play their own "music" instead of what they're meant to be playing.
9. Say ?No? to bread rolls. They spoil a good appetite.
10. Drink water out of a wine glass ? it tastes so much better.
11. Never alienate a waiter. He/she might add a foreign ingredient to your food.
12. Always remember that running a restaurant is a very difficult business.

  • by John Cahill on January 17, 2006 at 05:46 PM

I remember you recanting on the "Mexican restaurant rule" some years ago after visiting Azteca's in Randwick. There's plenty of authentic Mexican dishes on their menu like Mole poblano, sope and that fab pork soup. I've lived in Queensland for six years but I always make sure I visit Aztecas whenever I'm in Sydney.

  • by Karen on January 17, 2006 at 06:26 PM

Restaurants that print the telephone number of the Poisons Information Centre on the back of the menu are to be avoided.

  • by Harry on January 17, 2006 at 07:25 PM

If you want to have wine with your meal, don't go to a restaurant without a liquor license.
BYO restaurants require you to bring your own wine.

  • by Paul on January 17, 2006 at 07:45 PM

1. Never eat in an accommodation establishment if you have a chioce - they can't run both successfully
2.Never eat seafood west of the range (Great Dividing Range)- it will have been frozen
3. A sandwich board on the street or something that the proprietor has taken the effort to put out that morning is good - a sign of being keen
4. An eatery which provides a newspaper is always good

  • by Cameron on January 17, 2006 at 07:51 PM

Looking for a decent meal - move to Melbourne.

  • by Joshua on January 17, 2006 at 07:52 PM

Always check the bill. Restaurant waiters and waitresses are notorious for putting someone else?s tab on your bill especially if they left without paying it and the waiter/waitress is liable for it. The more you have had to drink the more likely they will do it to you.
If others start getting their meals before you but ordered after you, your order probably has been lost. Leave straight away as it will be just as quick to get served somewhere else.
If you see staff outside smoking, chances are they won't wash their hands on return. Don't eat there even if you smoke.
Don't pay more than $1.00 corkage per person.
Don't eat pink chicken no matter how much the waiter or chef protests it's OK.
If you get one pea and two slices of carrot as vegetables, demand more. Vegetables are cheap and you can bet the chef fills his plate when he is at home.
Refuse to pay extra for side dishes of veges, that's just a plain rip-off and you will only get a bowl of steamed vege anyway which you should have got free with your steak you just paid $30 for.
Tipping is NOT required however if you like the waitress leave 5% not 10. Tips do not make up staff wages in Australia as they do in other countries.
Always leave the waitress cash for a tip and don't tip on the credit card. It goes straight to the owner and staff may never see the light of day of that tip.
No-one tips me for the job I charge $200 for so why tip the restaurant owner who has already billed you with a nice fat margin already built in?
Restaurant owners are privileged to have you in their establishment, not the other way around, so if they don't bow and scrape for your hard earned cash, tell them you don't like their restaurant then tell 100 others.

  • by Dodgy on January 17, 2006 at 09:50 PM

I ate in a Chinese restaurant in Melbourne's China town and just for fun I turned the china plate over (before the food arrived) expecting it to be made in China. It was made in England.

  • by Caught on January 17, 2006 at 09:55 PM

Went to a Mongolian retaurant in Melbourne where you load your bowl with raw meat and take it to a large BBQ where the chef cooks it. Only problem was he was holding two big paddles and got a sneezing fit and sneezed all over the cooking food but he just tossed it about and kept cooking. I sneaked out.
Also went to an exclusive restaurant on Sydney Harbour. The whole office was throwing up the next day with some even ringing the restaurant threatening to have it closed down. The hospital said that one colleague had all the symptoms of cholera but obviously he just had everything else.

  • by and again on January 17, 2006 at 10:06 PM

1. Any cafe advertising "Best Coffee in town" usually does not.
2. Conversely any cafe where you see the staff in getting coffee on their days off has good coffee.

  • by Peter Harrison on January 17, 2006 at 10:12 PM

Any chef out there offering to serve Mr Dale's freshly farmed organs up as sweetbreads, I will be your first diner.

  • by hannibal on January 17, 2006 at 10:17 PM

While they may say 'never trust a skinny chef' be sure to check their wives before application of this rule. I am living proof that a skinny chef can be judged on his ample wife :)

  • by Kelly on January 17, 2006 at 10:55 PM

As a waitress who loves her job, a few ideas that are likely to ensure a great night out:
1. if the staff eat there volountarily, it's going to be good food - we see everything going on behind the scenes
2. at any decent establishment, the wait staff will throw you a smile and be willing to help you, even when its packed
3. if you're going for a special occasion, let them know when you book
4. book whenever you can
5. just because you are paying them, dont treat the wait staff like dirt - be nice and see how much more willing they are to attend to you! it is a pleasure to wait on friendly customers, and we'll go out of our way to make sure you enjoy your evening!
happy dining!

  • by Charlie on January 18, 2006 at 12:30 AM

Respect your waitress. She holds the secret as to whether or not the crab meat in the salad is real or seafood extender. Don't be an arsehole when ordering, and it will be your friendly waitress who answers honestly (after checking that no one else is listening) later in the evening when you ask if any of the dessert is actually worth trying.
As for not tipping when someone is watching you sign the bill, there's a reason for that. The little piece of paper you sign is utterly MEANINGLESS to us if it is not signed correctly. It's hard to stuff up, but it can happen. In such cases, the customer quickly leaves the restaurant (it's often the fol