The Sun-Herald

Wisteria Lane, Wollongong

by David Dale.
It doesn't stay a mystery for long, once you think about it: why Desperate Housewives is a bigger hit in Australia than in any other country. More than two million of us will switch on tonight's season finale of the US melodramedy.

Although they've been doing less well this year than last year, the Despos are regularly watched by one in every nine Australians, compared with one in every 13 Americans. What's the special appeal?

The answer, I think, is that we recognise ourselves in them. That's not to say we're in the habit of murdering our neighbours, sleeping with our gardeners and burning down the mansion across the road. But consider these details: Australia is the most suburbanised nation on earth. Two thirds of us live in capital cities. Three quarters of the homes in those cities have three or more bedrooms, but half of those homes contain only one or two occupants.

So Australians embrace the Despos because we aspire to Wisteria Lane as our spiritual home. Like Bree, Susan, and Gabrielle, we live in houses way too big for our needs in comfortable suburbs that cocoon us from reality. We feel safe in the village, meeting our friends for coffee and gossip, because it's a self-contained environment, where the issues of the outside world never impinge and all crimes and crises are generated and resolved within the extended family. Or that's what we hope.

The last American entertainment embraced so wholeheartedly by Australians was Friends, back in the late 90s. Our response to that was also a demonstration of a changing self-perception. Friends came along at a time when Australians had just dumped the myth about a nation of sun-bronzed billy-boiling bush battlers and realized we were actually a nation of obsessive urban coffee drinkers. So of course we were going to identify with six caffeine-addicted 20-somethings seeking love and success in the big city.

I think the particular quality that drew Australians to Friends was loyalty. Here was a bunch of independent people distanced from their families, at odds with authority, trying to cope in a new environment, with only each other to rely on. Isn't that a description of how the first white settlers on this continent would have seen themselves? The only encouraging thought the convicts had going for them was mateship, which is just another name for blind loyalty. Channel Nine should have renamed the series "Mates".

We've found that core value again in Wisteria Lane. The Despos may battle and bitch and sulk and scheme, but they're there for each other most of the time. At least two million Australians enjoy the idea that in our safe little universe, we could be like that too.

This is David Dale's 'Who We Are' column from The Sun Herald of July 30, 2006. David Dale is the author of Who We Are - A miscellany of the new Australia (Allen and Unwin). To read other columns and discuss Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 03:17 PM

Australia's Biggest Bogan and other sure-fire hits

by David Dale.
Recently this column described Channel Nine as a dying dinosaur, and begged you to help save its life with a transfusion of new program ideas. Readers raced imaginatively to the rescue (see below), proving they hold no grudge for Nine's decades of arrogance.

But since our appeal, Nine has been showing signs of revival all by itself - helped by Logies, miners, footy and Channel Ten, which, as the raptor of the television industry, has been ripping viewers away from Nine's traditional enemy, Channel Seven.

Nine and Seven are now neck and neck in audience share for the year. Nevertheless, we worry that Tyrannosaurus Rex's recovery is fragile, since it largely depends on viewers who will die soon. (Detail: Nine does best with people over the age of 55 and males; Seven does best with people aged 25 to 54 and females; Ten does best with people under 40.) And viewers might take a while to grasp the logic of Nine's bold schemes to improve the news service by eliminating 100 jobs and improve creative input by dumping the inventors of The Block and Celebrity Overhaul, Julian Cress and David Barbour.

Seven has started launching a bunch of new weapons (Grey's Anatomy, My Name Is Earl, Criminal Minds, Bones, The Unit), which seem likely to overwhelm the rather lame novelties Nine has shown us so far (Hello Goodbye, What's Good For You, Close to Home). We're sure Rex's wrangler, Eddie McGuire, will be grateful, when he returns from Germany, for the notions from Tribal Mind readers that appear below this table.

Who watches which channel
Average audience shares between 6pm and midnight

Channel ............... ABC ..... Seven ... Nine ..... Ten ...... SBS

Total Individuals ... 14.8% .. 28.8% .. 28.2% .. 23.0% .. 5.2%

Viewers 16-39 ....... 8.0 ...... 27.6 ..... 26.7 ..... 32.8 .... 4.9

Viewers 25-54 ...... 11.3 ..... 29.0 ..... 28.9 ..... 25.8 ..... 5.1

Viewers over 55 .... 24.6 ..... 29.3 ..... 29.3 ..... 10.5 .... 6.3

Men .................... 16.1 ..... 26.9 ..... 29.1 ..... 20.8 .... 7.1

Women ............... 16.0 ..... 30.6 .... 28.4 ...... 20.7 .... 4.2

OG1 (The rich) ...... 18.9 ..... 24.9 ..... 26.9 ..... 22.3 .... 6.9

Grocery buyers ..... 17.7 ..... 29.5 ..... 28.2 ..... 19.3 .... 5.4
(OzTAM estimates for the ratings year so far in the mainland capitals, excluding Commonwealth Games and World Cup)

And now, some helpful proposals to boost Nine's audience with viewers under 55. Once you've read them, we want you to vote for your favourite, via the comment space below. Lets call this game Programming With The Stars. The idea that gets the most votes will receive a handsome prize in a red cover ...

1. Jessica Rowe hosts a new reality program: When Career Changes Go Wrong. (Evan)

2. Hunting the stars: 12 B-grade celebs with 20 minutes to hide, one tract of wilderness, two contestants with tranq guns, one hour to get the highest score. (Mat)

3. Bring back Norman Gunston to host Who Wants to be a Millionaire. (Macca)

4. Late Night Pokies follows ordinary Aussie battlers as they lose the rent money. Perfect synergy with PBL's other businesses. (My 2 Cents)

5. What Goes Around Comes Around. Former victims turn the tables on A Current Affair and Today Tonight, chasing reporters and hosts down the street, examining their garbage, etc. (Slippery Sam and Verbatim)

6. It's a reality TV show: Eddie tells the audience that in order to rejuvenate the channel, he intends to axe a number of TV personalities. He puts up a list of potential candidates and asks the viewers to vote for who should go. Episode 2 sees Bert/Mike Munro/Tracey Grimjaw/Karl Stuffnupabit etc getting the axe, with footage of their worst performances. The number of episodes the show could run for ... well, how many hacks does CH 9 employ? (Johnny S)

7. Celebrity Big Brother Villawood: 10 superstars are detained for three years. Viewers get to SMS the celebrity they want out. Nine can sell the rights to the US and call it Celebrity Big Brother Guantanamo Bay! (Bettestreep)

8. I Can't Recall: politicians and bureaucrats show how to shirk responsibility. (Raffi)

9. Attack of the Killer Bittorrent, or how TV networks become extinct. Australia's Funniest Home Renovations, when backyards go horribly wrong! McLeod's Illegitimate Love Child - now all the daughters have left the show. Family Feud In Baghdad! (Daytona)

10. Celebrity strip snooker darts on ice makeovers. (Harold the Seal)

11. Australia's Biggest Bogan. Contestants include Shane Warne, Warwick Capper, Sam Newman, Fatty Vautin, Pauline Hanson, Lleyton Hewitt.

12. Nine should bite the bullet, sign up Daryl Somers and the cast of Hey Hey It's Saturday; then put it back Saturdays at 6.30. Daryl could open with 'and as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted ...' (Steve M)

13. Boxing with the Stars/ Celebrity Punchup. We love it when celebrities go off their nutter (eg everyone remembers Normie Rowe-Ron Casey). Find a bunch of B grade celebs and put them in the ring to slug it out for 3 rounds. Shannon Noll has already offered himself (Richard Bolt).

14. The Apprentice - watch Eddie be bossed around by PBL executives. Cabaret Idol, hosted by Kerri-Anne, featuring the songs of Kerri-Anne. Family Matters, hosted by a resurgent Shane Warne. Prison Breakdown, starring Rodney Adler. (Naomi).

15. Prisoners dancing with celebrities on a deserted island from which you can evict them to a house that's surrounded by cameras where they're made to eat as much food as they can, to become 'The Biggest Gainer'. (Roy)

Now tell us your favourite. And please add more program suggestions, remembering that brevity is the soul of wit. There will also be a prize for any idea Nine adopts.

David Dale is the author of The Little Book of Australia -- A snapshot of who we are (Allen and Unwin). For daily updates on Australian attitudes, bookmark blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 10:36 PM
• Comments (99)

The ratings race: Week 24

This blog is now a heritage item -- worth studying but not current. For the latest discussion on trends in television, click here

By clever scheduling rather than imaginative programming, Channel Nine won last week with 28.5 per cent of the prime time audience, while Seven got 25.8 per cent, Ten declined to 20.2 per cent (what a difference the absence of 'Thank God You're Here' and 'House' makes), the ABC got 15.1 per cent and SBS doubled its usual share to get 10.4 per cent (what a difference a little soccer makes).

This week, can 'Grey's Anatomy' make all the difference for Channel Seven?

What Australia watched, week ending June 17.
1 World Cup Aus v Japan (SBS) 2.17m
2 Border Security (7) 2.17m
3 Medical Emergency (7) 1.94m
4 Nine news Sunday (9) 1.72m
5 What's Good For You (9) 1.72m
6 Rugby League State of Origin II (9) 1.64m
7 All Saints (7) 1.60m
8 Desperate Housewives (7) 1.58m
9 Seven news (7) 1.56m
10 Today Tonight (7) 1.55m
11 60 Minutes (9) 1.48m
12 Lost (7) 1.47m
13 Getaway (9) 1.43m
14 Missing Persons Unit (9) 1.42m
15 Cold Case -- repeat (9) 1.42m
16 Nine news 1.42m
17 Backyard Blitz (9) 1.39m
18 Seven news Saturday (7) 1.40m
19 Nine news Saturday (7) 1.38m
20 Better Homes and Gardens (7) 1.36m
(OzTAM mainland capitals)

Updated 9 am Friday June 16
Special early showings of the cult hits 'Family Guy' and 'American Dad' did well (943,000 and 763,000) and 'Lost' recovered a little from last week (up 100,000 to 1.47 million in the mainland capitals), but they were not enough to help Channel Seven win Thursday night.

Channel Nine monopolised the older viewers with 'Getaway', 'Missing Persons Unit' and 'Hello/Goodbye' and managed a prime time share of 29.1 per cent, with Seven on 28.5, Ten on 21.3, ABC on 12.4 and SBS on 8.6 (a nice boost on its usual 5 per cent, thanks to various World Cup extensions). Nine will win the week.

What Australia watched, Thursday.
1 Today Tonight (7) 1.55m
2 Seven News (7) 1.54m
3 Lost (7) 1.47m
4 Getaway (9) 1.43m
5 Missing Persons Unit (9) 1.42m
6 Nine News (9) 1.32m
7 Home and Away (7) 1.26m
8 Temptation (9) 1.22m
9 A Current Affair (9) 1.19m
10 Las Vegas (7) 1.17m
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

But to demonstrate how the audience divides by age on Thursday nights, here's what the younger viewers were doing:
Top Programs (16-39) Thursday 15 June:
1) Lost (7)
2) Family Guy - early (7)
3) Big Brother (10)
4) Las Vegas (7)
5) American Dad - early (7)
6) Family Guy (7)
7) Neighbours (10)
8) The Footy Show (9)
9) American Dad (7)
10) Medium (10)

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. To join a daily discussion of Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
Updated 10 am Thursday June 15
More familiar forms of football reclaimed the audience honours on Wednesday and won the night for Channel Nine. In Sydney and Brisbane it was the biffo and in Melbourne, Adelaide and Perth it was a version of aerial pingpong labelled the E. J. Whitten Legends Game.

Between 7.30 and 10.15, Nine's footy audience totalled 2.25 million across the capitals, and Nine's prime time share was 39 per cent, with Seven on 21.8, Ten on 17.8, ABC on 13.5 and SBS on 7.8. Nine looks like winning the week.

What Australia watched, Wednesday
1. Rugby League: State of Origin II (9) 1.65m
2. Seven News (7) 1.57m
3. Today Tonight (7) 1.48m
4. Nine News (9) 1.36m
5. Home and Away (7) 1.34m
6. A Current Affair (9) 1.29m
7. Temptation (9) 1.19m
8. Beyond Tomorrow (7) 1.10m
9. Deal or No Deal (7) 0.99m
10. Spicks and Specks (ABC) 0.99m
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

Updated 10 am Wednesday June 14
It was certainly the most watched two-hour program at that time of night in the history of SBS. And it was almost certainly a record audience for any station at that time of night. Between 11pm Monday and 1am Tuesday, an average of 2.17 million people in the mainland capitals watched Australia beat Japan in the World Cup soccer (a form of football).
Then on Tuesday night, exactly the same number (though not necessarily the same individuals) watched Border Security (a form of paranoia). And while waiting for the soccer on Monday, Australians returned in big numbers to the Desperate Housewives, who are back to beating the pale detective (though she was in repeat).

What Australia watched, Monday
1 2006 WORLD CUP: Aus v Japan (SBS) 2,166,000
Syd 792,000 Mel 593,000 Bris 258,000 Ad 204,000 Perth 318,000
2 WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU (9) 1.72m
3 TODAY TONIGHT (7) 1.67m
4 SEVEN NEWS (7) 1.64m
5 NINE NEWS (9) 1.59m
6 DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (7) 1.58m
7 COLD CASE Rpt (9) 1.42m
8 HOME AND AWAY (7) 1.40m
9 A CURRENT AFFAIR (9) 1.39m
10 BIG BROTHER Nomination (10) 1.30m
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

Channel Nine won the night with a prime time audience share of 25.0 per cent, with Seven on 24.0, SBS on 19.3, Ten on 19.2 and ABC on 12.6.

What Australia watched, Tuesday
1 BORDER SECURITY (7) 2.17m
2 MEDICAL EMERGENCY (7) 1.94m
3 TODAY TONIGHT (7) 1.63m
4 SEVEN NEWS (7) 1.62m
5 ALL SAINTS (7) 1.60m
6 NINE NEWS (9) 1.51m
7 HOME AND AWAY (7) 1.41m
8 A CURRENT AFFAIR (9) 141m
9 TEMPTATION (9) 1.30m
10 CSI Rpt (9) 1.27m
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

Channel Seven won the night with a prime time audience share of 31.4 per cent, with Nine on 25.4, Ten on 19.8, ABC on 13.6 and SBS on 9.9.

For readers who asked when Seven will show the remaining episodes of Commander-in-Chief, we have this answer from Seven: "We will have broadcast all episodes 'completed' - that is 16. Three more episodes are scheduled to go to air in the US sometime in July-August. We will broadcast those at some point soon."

Updated 10 am Tuesday June 13
Bloody hell - the one night of the year when you most want to know how many Australians were watching television and the audience measurement agency screws up. It looks as if we'll have to wait till Wednesday to get the numbers for Monday night's Australia-Japan match. The company that runs the people meters for OzTAM sent out this message to clients this morning:

"Dear All,
AGBNMR was unable to complete polling of all panel homes overnight. Therefore ratings data 20060612 will not be released today.
Ratings data for 20060612 and 20060613 will both be released tomorrow 14th June 2006.
Kind regards,
Client Service Helpdesk
Australia AGB Nielsen Media Research
166 Epping Road, Lane Cove."

"Kind regards" doesn't cut it. What about an explanation and an apology? Not even Telstra is as arrogant as these people. Hopefully AGBNMR will give its clients a deduction, with a special consolation gift to SBS, which finds itself with nothing to boast about.

While we wait for AGBNMR to get its act together, we can tell you that the most watched soccer games on SBS before Monday were England v Paraguay with 905,000 on Saturday and Serbia/Montenegro v Netherlands with 635,000 on Sunday. In the absence of facts, this column is happy to entertain speculation. The reader who comes closest to predicting the average audience for last night's match (entries before 5pm today) will win a handsome prize in a red cover. David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. To join a daily discussion of Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

And just to pass the time, here are the figures for subscription television last week:
What Australia watched on pay TV, week ending June 11
1 NRL Panthers V Dragons (FOX Sports 1) 158,000
2 NRL Cowboys V Sharks (FOX Sports 1) 145,000
3 NRL Rabbitohs V Brisbane (FOX Sports 1) 136,000
4 NRL Panthers V Sea Eagles (FOX Sports 1) 135,000
5 RND 11 Richmond V Kangaroos (FOX Footy) 130,000
6 NRL Warriors V Broncos (FOX Sports 1) 117,000
7 High School Musical (Disney Channel) 101,000
8 RND 11 Brisbane Lions V Adelaide (FOX Footy) 99,000
9 Rugby Union: Test match (FOX Sports 2) 89,000
10 WWE V ECW Head To Head (FOX8) 74,000
11 NRL pre game show (FOX Sports 1) 72,000
12 MotoGP Italy Mugello (FOX Sports 1) 66,000
13 Fox Footy's Saturday Central (FOX Footy) 59,000
14 WWE Raw (FOX8) 58,000
15 Batman Forever (TV1) 56,000
16 Law & Order: SVU (TV1) 56,000
17 Batman Returns (TV1) 54,000
18 Meet The Fockers (Movie One) 51,000
19 JAG (TV1) 51,000
20 Stargate SG-1 (TV1) 51,000
(OzTAM mainland capitals)

Updated 10pm Monday June 12
Well, now we know there's at least one form of football that does not fire the imagination of Australians. By devoting most of Sunday evening to rugby union, Channel Seven gained only 22.9 per cent of the prime time audience, letting Nine win the night with 28.2 per cent. The game they play in heaven (or at least, in great private schools) drew only a million viewers, while Nine's afternoon combination of NRL and AFL drew 1.1 million.

What Australia watched Sunday
1 Nine News Sunday (9) 1.72m
2 60 Minutes (9) 1.47m
3 Backyard Blitz (9) 1.39m
4 Seven news Sunday (7) 1.34m
5 Law and Order: SVU (10) 1.15m
6 Sunday Fotball (9) 1.14m
7 Big Brother Eviction (10) 1,14m
8 The Queen at 80 (ABC) 1,09m
9 R.U.: Aus V Eng (7) 1,04m
10 Law and Order: Criminal Intent (10) 989,000
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

These comments carried over from tne previous week's blog ...

Dear TM
Can I add to two potentially contentious issues.
1) If you had tried to drive into town this morning down Parramatta Rd, you would know that there were several thousand soccer nuts in Leichhardt and Ultimo watching the soccer all night long - looked like people had watched both the Australia and Italy games.
2) Harking back to an earlier debate on Border Security And the paranoia of its' viewers. I have never watched the show (almost did after the last round of vigorous debate in this blog - but didn't get around to it). However, the ad for this week's episode was a bloody disgrace- the breathless talk of an "invasion", asking "How far will border security go?" while showing guns being shot off. Hyping it all up and implying armed conflict - no mention that they are talking about illegal fishing vessels. Sheesh!
Posted by: Befuddled at June 13, 2006 12:33 PM

Seems Union can't rate on FTA or Pay TV.
How embarrassing.
Posted by: FJ at June 13, 2006 12:33 PM

I think it will be 2 million. The reason for the relatively low score is that the crowds at the live sites, pub, bars etc. are not counted. If they are, then it would be closer to 3 million. Just on that how do the ratings agencies take into account the crowds that watch at these sites? And what about those people that record and watch later?
Tribal Mind replies: The audience estimates do not include pubs, clubs etc because OzTAM installs its people meter boxes in homes. In any case, it seems unlikely that too many people would have gone out to watch TV after 11 pm last night.
Posted by: Louise at June 13, 2006 10:50 AM

The ratings system probably exploded because SBS will get it's highest ratings ever. Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi
Posted by: Daz at June 13, 2006 10:21 AM

JR I'm with you, I love CiC. The least Channel 7 can do is air the remaining few episodes.
Posted by: ojay at June 13, 2006 08:56 AM

I may be in the minority here...but when are the final episodes of Commander in Chief going to be aired? I know there are still a few more to go and I really like the show...please tell me they are going to air them sometime?
Tribal Mind replies: I have asked Channel Seven and will put their response in this space.
Posted by: JR at June 13, 2006 05:23 AM

I cant believe it. We have just finished watching the only show on tv worth watching and it is going to disappear! Commander in chief is a great show. But, seven has just promo'd Grey's Anatomy. What is going to happen to CIC?
Posted by: alan at June 12, 2006 10:37 PM

Only I Million For the union? That cant be right. The voice on the C7 promo said that "ALL of Australia will be watching" That 'ALL' must refer only to upper-class snobs form sydneys north shore.
Tribal Mind replies: the rugby did fairly well in Sydney and Brisbane, badly everywhere else.
Posted by: Zenden at June 12, 2006 03:26 PM

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 03:04 PM
• Comments (155)

Your restaurant rules

by David Dale.
"Never eat in a restaurant that revolves or floats" is the first of a set of guiding principles this column has been developing over the past 20 years, designed to help travellers find a decent meal when they're in a strange town or suburb.

We update the list with advice from readers every couple of years, and since so many new eateries have opened in Sydney in the past three months, it's clearly time to launch this discussion again.

Analysis of eating habits may seem odd in a column normally devoted to how Australians consume popular culture, but in the past 20 years, restaurants have become mass entertainment. City people dine out more often than they go to the cinema, and thereby develop sophisticated early warning systems to avoid unpleasant experiences. So give us your wisdom on how these guidelines can be expanded:

2. A restaurant with a pepper grinder on every table is likely to be good -- as opposed to a restaurant where the waiter thrusts a metre-long pepper grinder in your ear.

3. The number of spelling errors on a menu is inversely proportional to the quality of the cooking.

4. A restaurant that offers a "two-for-one deal" on a piece of paper handed to you in the street or a booklet sold through your school or workplace is unlikely to be state of the art.

5. A restaurant that lists four pasta shapes in one column and four sauces in another column, and invites you to "mix 'n' match", is unlikely to be run by an Italian.

6. A restaurant that offers all dishes in "mild", "medium" and "hot" is unlikely to be run by an Indian.

7. Given the choice between a Mexican restaurant and a Thai restaurant, and in the absence of any other information, go Thai.

8. The use of the word "northern" in front of a cuisine's nationality may mean only that the food has less flavour; the use of the word "modern" before the nationality may mean only that the servings are smaller.

9. A menu that uses more than 20 words to describe each dish signifies a kitchen lacking in confidence.

10. Restaurants that advertise themselves as "wine, dine and dance" are likely to disappoint on all counts.

11. A restaurant where the waiters introduce themselves ("Hi, my name is Jason and I'll be your server tonight") is unlikely to offer value for money. Ditto a restaurant where the waiter compliments you on your choice of dish.

12. A restaurant in which one wall is covered with signed black and white photographs of celebrities is unlikely to be state of the art, even if the celebrities include Bert Newton.

13. Restaurants advertising karaoke are unlikely to be gastronomic temples, but this will become less important as you become less sober.

14. Never eat in a restaurant that is recommended in any free publication you find in your hotel room -- even if the ad for the restaurant appears on a different page from the recommendation.

15. Restaurants that display their menus outside are likely to be more interesting than those that don't (and also make the application of these theories much easier).

Now let's hear yours

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. To join a daily discussion of Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 06:55 PM
• Comments (192)

How to beat the bookies

By David Dale.
If you want to create a bestseller in Australia, here is this year's formula: 'The Magic Bum Cleaning Diet Code for Cricketers'. To maximise your sales, you will need elements of self-help, suspense, fantasy, autobiography, spirituality and a film tie-in. Plus fart jokes. And you should change your name to Dan Brown.

This pattern emerges from the annual report of the Australian Publishers Association, which examines book sales between April last year and March this year - a period that includes what Australians bought for each other at Christmas and for themselves in the summer holidays.

Not surprisingly, the chart-topper was Harry Potter and the Halfblood Prince, which sold more than 900,000 copies in the 12 months. But next came The CSIRO Total Wellbeing Diet, with more than 650,000. We've been sitting round reading so much we've found ourselves with a weight problem.

Seven books by Australians made the top 20, including Bryce Courtenay's family saga Whitethorn (235,000), Matthew Reilly's thriller Seven Ancient Wonders (140,000) and Spotless, a guide to removing household stains by Jennifer Flemming and Shannon Lush (190,000). We've been sitting round reading so much our homes are a mess.

Steve Waugh's latest autobiography Out of My Comfort Zone sold 175,000 copies while Li Cunxin's autobiography Mao's Last Dancer managed 85,000. And clearly being a convicted perjurer is no handicap for a fiction writer - Jeffrey Archer's first novel after his jail term, False Impression, sold more than 80,000.

The most popular genre in the top 20 was suspense, with eight representatives, of which four were by Dan Brown. The Da Vinci Code sold 260,000 in the 12 months, pushing its Australian total well past the million mark, while Angels and Demons sold 190,000, and the even clumsier earlier novels Deception Point and Digital Fortress each sold more than 110,000. For mature female readers, there were four tearjerkers, including Arthur Golden's Memoirs of a Geisha (85,000) and Jodi Picoult's novel about family dependence, My Sister's Keeper (85,000).

The seven children's books included the latest anally obsessed tale by Andy Griffiths - Bumaggeddon: The Final Pongflict (90,000). But without rectal references, C.S. Lewis's The Chronicles of Narnia sold 119,000 copies as a "film tie-in edition" and a further 50,000 for The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe in traditional presentation. There's hope for literature yet.

Now you know enough to create your own pitch to a publisher. Tell us, in less than 50 words, your outline for a book that is bound to be a hit. The pitch that incorporates the most elements from this year's bestsellers will win a fabulous prize with a red cover.

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. To join a daily discussion of Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

David Dale is the author of Who We Are - A miscellany of the new Australia (Allen and Unwin).

The way we read
Bestselling books between April 2005 and March 2006
A= Australian. F= Fiction
1. Harry Potter and the Halfblood Prince, J.K. Rowling. F
2. The CSIRO Total Wellbeing Diet, Manny Noakes, Peter Clifton. A
3. The Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown. F
4. Whitethorn, Bryce Courtenay. A F
5. Spotless, Shannon Lush, Jennifer Flemming. A
6. Angels and Demons, Dan Brown. F
7. Guinness World Records 2006, Craig Glenday.
8. Out Of My Comfort Zone, Steve Waugh. A
9. Seven Ancient Wonders, Matthew Reilly. A F
10. Wizardology, Dugald Steer et al. F
11. Predator, Patricia Cornwell. F
12. Triumph of the Sun, Wilbur Smith. F
13. The Chronicles of Narnia (Lion, Witch, Wardrobe), C.S. Lewis. F
14. Deception Point, Dan Brown. F
15. Digital Fortress, Dan Brown. F
16. Bumaggedon: The Final Pongflict, Andy Griffiths. A F
17. Mao's Last Dancer, Li Cunxin. A
18. Memoirs Of A Geisha, Arthur Golden F
19. My Sister's Keeper, Jodi Picoult. F
20. Mary Mary, James Patterson. F
21. False Impression, Jeffrey Archer. F
22. Summer Garden, Paullina Simmons. F
23. Anybody Out There?, Marian Keyes. F
24. Jamie's Italy, Jamie Oliver.
25. The Turning, Tim Winton. A F
(Australian Publishers Association)

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 04:06 PM
• Comments (15)

The ratings race: week 23

This blog is now a heritage item -- worth studying but not current. For the latest discussion on trends in television, click here
Updated 4pm, Sunday June 11.
In the week when Eddie McGuire announced he was going to improve the news service by axing 100 jobs, Channel Nine slipped behind Channel Seven, averaging 27.1 per cent of the prime time audience to Seven's 29.1. Ten had the most watched show of the week and thus concealed some slippage by Big Brother, which has now entered its mid-life blahs. Ten averaged 23.0 per cent of the audience, with the ABC on 14.1 and SBS on 6.7.

This week, how will Ten manage without Thank God You're Here? Will Seven's rugby union counteract Nine's rugby league and SBS's soccer beat them all?

What Australia watched, week ending June 11
1 THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE Ten 2133000
2 BORDER SECURITY Seven 2096000
3 HOUSE Ten 1840000
4 MEDICAL EMERGENCY Seven 1688000
5 NINE NEWS SUNDAY Nine 1672000
6 DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES Seven 1670000
7 SEVEN NEWS - SUN Seven 1651000
8 IT TAKES TWO Seven 1644000
9 COLD CASE Nine 1596000
10 SEVEN NEWS Seven 1562000
11 WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU Nine 1554000
12 TODAY TONIGHT Seven 1512000
13 BLUE HEELERS: THE FINAL Seven 1512000
14 60 MINUTES Nine 1503000
15 GETAWAY Nine 1499000
16 ALL SAINTS Seven 1446000
17 CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION -RPT Nine 1430000
18 NINE NEWS Nine 1405000
19 MISSING PERSONS UNIT Nine 1398000
20 BIG BROTHER DOUBLE LIVE EVICTION Ten 1392000
(OzTAM mainland capitals)

Updated 6pm, Friday June 10.
Final episodes usually do big business for the TV networks -- viz the final of 'Thank God You're Here' earlier this week -- but on Thursday 'The Amazing Race' was an exception. It didn't even get into the ratings top 10, drawing only 1.18 million viewers in the mainland capitals.

Could this be a lesson to Channel Seven (and other networks) about showing cliffhanger programs too long after they've appeared in America? It seems the Australian fans were not exactly in suspense about who would take the prize.

Seven still won the night (with 32.3 per cent of the prime time audience to Nine's 30.0 per cent) and looks like winning the week. Next week, Nine has another State of Origin game to dash any hopes Seven might form with its rugby union game on Sunday.

What Australia watched, Thursday.
1 Getaway (9) 1.49m
2 Seven News (7) 1.48m
3 Today Tonight (7) 1.43m
4 Missing Persons Unit (9) 1.41m
5 Nine News (9) 1.34m
6 Lost (7) 1.38m
7 Temptation (9) 1.28m
8 A Current Affair (9) 1.28m
9 Home and Away (7) 1.27m
10 Las Vegas (7) 1.19m
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

Updated 10am, Thursday June 8.
Poor old 'Prison Break' didn't stand a chance last night against the panicky comedians and the pernickety doctor. Channel Ten had its best Wednesday of the year, pulling 32.5 per cent of the prime time audience, with Seven on 25.7, Nine on 24.1, ABC on 13.2 and SBS on 4.6.

What Australia watched, Wednesday.
1 Thank God You're Here (10) 2.12m
2 House (10) 1.82m
3 Seven News (7) 1.58m
4 Today Tonight (7) 1.49m
5 NCIS (10) 1.38m
6 Home and Away (7) 1.35m
7 McLeod's Daughters (9) 1.34,
8 Nine News (9) 1.34m
9 A Current Affair (9) 1.31m
10 Prison Break (7) 1.30m
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

Updated 6 pm, Wednesday June 7.
Seven won Tuesday night with a prime time audience share of 33.1 per cent, followed by Nine on 28.2, Ten on 21.6, ABC on 13.3 and SBS on 3.8.

What Australia watched, Tuesday.
1 Border Security (7) 2.09m
2 Medical Emergency (7) 1.68m
3 Seven News (7) 1.59m
4 Today Tonight (7) 1.55m
5 CSI (9) 1.42m
6 Nine News (9) 1.41m
7 All Saints (7) 1.38m
8 Home and Away (7) 1.32m
9 A Current Affair (9) 1.27m
10 The Wedge (10) 1.23M
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

Updated 10 am, Tuesday June 6.
Last night's ratings show how desperately Seven needs 'Grey's Anatomy' at 9.30 on Mondays. Despite having the three most watched programs ('Today Tonight', 'Desperate Housewives' and the news), Seven did not end up with the biggest share of the prime time audience. Between 6pm and midnight Nine averaged 29.0 per cent, while Seven averaged 28.0 per cent, Ten 21.5, the ABC 15.6, and SBS 5.9.

'Commander in Chief' managed only 887,000 against 1.1 million for NIne's 'Close to Home'. Seven expects Grey and her gang to drag back those female viewers.

What Australia watched, Monday.
1 Today Tonight (7) 1.68m
2 Desperate Housewives (7) 1.67m
3 Seven news (7) 1.64m
4 Cold Case (9) 1.60m
5 Nine news (9) 1.57m
6 What's Good For You (9) 1.54m
7 A Current Affair (9) 1.49m
8 Home and Away (7) 1.37m
9 Temptation (9) 1.29m
10 Big Brother nominations (10) 1.26m
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

Updated 11 am, Monday June 5.
Seven had a rare Sunday win to start the new ratings week, attracting 30.6 per cent of the prime time audience (Nine got 25.3, Ten 22.0, ABC 14.0 and SBS 8.0 -- an unusually high figure, thanks to the Netherland v Australia soccer match, which drew 629,000).

Viewers seem be treating 'It Takes Two' as a program to be dipped into, rather than watched all through. It reached a peak of 2.3 million at 8.30 but averaged only 1.6 million over the whole two hours.

'Blue Heelers', on the other hand, held its audience -- peaking at 1.64 million at 8.55pm and averaging 1.55 over the two hours. Seven must be disappointed that a million more people who were regulars for the Heelers in the 1990s did not return to say goodbye last night. Probably they have all died.

What Australia watched, Sunday.
1 Nine Sunday News (9) 1.67m
2 Seven Sunday News (7) 1.64m
3 It Takes Two (7) 1.61m
4 Blue Heelers Final (7) 1.55m
5 60 Minutes (9) 1.50m
6 Big Brother Eviction (10) 1.38m
7 Backyard Blitz (9) 1.22m
8 Big Brother 6:30pm (10) 1.15m
9 Law and Order: SVU (10) 1.11m
10 Sunday Football AFL and NRL (9) 1.10m
11 Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (9) 1.10m
12 ABC News (ABC) 1.00m
13 Peking to Paris (ABC) 0.97m
14 Answered by Fire part two (ABC) 0.85m
15 The Einstein Factor (ABC) 0.74m
(OzTAM mainland capitals, preliminary figures)

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. To join a daily discussion of Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 11:28 AM
• Comments (172)

Junkies, thieves, idiots and depressives

by David Dale.
Apparently the film-makers of Australia have taken to heart the theme song of Mad Max 3: "We don't need another hero; We don't need to know the way home." They seem to agree with the Hollywood screenwriter Christopher Vogler that Australia is a "hero-phobic society". And with the actor-director Steve Vidler that we suck at triumphalist movies because we have the wrong founding myth.

Last week this column celebrated the 20th birthday of Crocodile Dundee by asking why Australia doesn't make hit movies of that kind any more. We got impassioned responses from 87 readers.

Part of the answer may lie in the theories of Christopher Vogler. He became hugely influential from the mid-80s after he wrote a memo to his bosses at the Disney studio claiming that all successful stories -- even the silliest comedies -- involve a classic plot structure he calls "The Hero's Journey". He says human beings are genetically programmed to respond to certain characters (archetypes) and to this progression of events: a person is summoned on a quest, meets a mentor and new friends along the road, overcomes obstacles, enters the inmost cave and confronts the ultimate evil, goes through a form of death and resurrection, and returns home with "the elixir" -- an idea that saves his tribe, or love, or self-knowledge. The most obvious example of this structure is the original Star Wars.

But in the second edition of his book, The Writer's Journey, Vogler wonders if his outline might be a tool of American imperialism: "My Australian teachers helped me see that such elements might make good stories for the world market but may not reflect the views of all cultures ... The Australians distrust appeals to heroic virtue because such concepts have been used to lure generations of young Australian males into fighting Britain's battles.

"Australians have their heroes, of course, but they tend to be unassuming and self-effacing, and will remain reluctant for much longer than heroes in other cultures ... The most admirable hero is one who denies his heroic role as long as possible and who, like Mad Max, avoids accepting responsibility for anyone but himself."

You have to wonder who Christopher Vogler met during his visit to Australia -- almost certainly the director George Miller (of Babe and Mad Max fame) and the actor (Two Hands) and director (Black Rock) Steve Vidler, who argues that Americans and Australians have different cultural assumptions: "The American myth is the myth of their nation's settlement -- that an individual with strong character can undertake a daunting task, overcome seemingly unsurmountable odds, and become a great success.

"The Australian myth is also based on our nation's settlement -- that we are convicts, delinquents, struggling outsiders, persecuted by an uncaring and alien authority, trapped in a harsh envirnment we did not choose and do not understand, that all survival and validation relies on not rising above or separating from the group, failure and suffering are our lot, and the best we can hope for is to survive.

"Sometimes we try to appropriate the American myth for our stories. And a strange thing happens. Mostly Australian audiences will not believe it. Our myth (itself a fanciful construct with little relation to the realities of our history) is so deeply ingrained that we distrust any narrative that sees our environment as essentially benign, or triumphant success as the deserved outcome of our struggle. But we willingly believe these things of Americans. Or of Australians pretending to be Americans."

The views of Vogler and Vidler may explain why the protagonists in recent Australian movies have tended to be thieves, junkies, psychopaths, idiots, obsessives and depressives. Our film-makers think those are the heroes we need. They don't regard Crocodile Dundee and Babe as inspirations, but rather as giant exceptions -- freak successes in the land that loves to lose. That thought in itself is depressing enough to form the basis of the next Australian movie.

Footnote: In its first two weeks, the latest local project, Candy, which is about junkie thieves, made $749,000, while over the same period the latest American celebration of heroism, X-Men 3: The Last Stand made $11.3 million.

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. To join a daily discussion of Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

Top Australian films this decade
1 Moulin Rouge (2001) $27.7m
2 Lantana (2001) 12.3m
3 Crackerjack (2002) $8.6m
4 The Man Who Sued God (2001) $8.5m
5 Ned Kelly (2003) $8.4m
6 Crocodile Dundee in LA (2001) $7.8m
7 Rabbit Proof Fence (2002) $7.5m
8 Wolf Creek (2005) $5.8m
9 Dirty Deeds (2002) $5.06m
10 Strange Bedfellows (2004) $4.8m
11 Japanese Story (2003) $4.5m
12 The Crocodile Hunter (2002) $3.9m
13 Little Fish (2005) $3.7m
14 Kokoda (2006) $3.1m
15 The Hard Word (2002) $2.9m
16 Look Both Ways (2005) $2.8m.
(MPDAA)

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 09:12 AM
• Comments (63)

94 arguments about the croc

by David Dale.
We've just passed -- oddly without fanfare -- the 20th anniversary of the most successful Australian flick ever made. In its day, this film earned $48 million at the box office, which means it was seen by nine million of us (more than half the population at the time). The only movie seen by more Australians in our history was The Sound of Music.

Five months after its Australian launch, this film opened in America, with first week ticket sales of $US8 million. The following week it made $US11 million, and $US13 million the week after that. That's some kind of record for word-of-mouth.

Ultimately it was seen by 55 million Americans and 40 million more people in other countries, with a world gross of $US328 million. Its sequel two years later grossed $US240 million, so the two films totalled the equivalent of $1.5 billion in today's money.

No wonder Paul Hogan has never looked too worried about the failure of every movie he's made since. Yes, it's Crocodile Dundee we're talking about, and a 20th birthday is the appropriate time to reflect on why it reached so deeply into the soul of Australians, and on why we don't make stories like that any more.

In the late 20th century, we produced a string of hits with a similar theme: an innocent moves out of his or her comfort zone and triumphs, through personal integrity, over a cynical power elite. They included Babe, Strictly Ballroom, The Man From Snowy River, The Castle, Priscilla Queen of the Desert and Muriel's Wedding. Then we stopped.

The most successful Australian stories on film in the past two years have been about a serial killer who tortures backpackers (Wolf Creek); junkies and thugs in Cabramatta (Little Fish); and a woman obsessed with images of violence who falls for a man with testicular cancer (Look Both Ways). None of them made more than $6 million at the local box office (though Wolf Creek made $US16 million in America). The latest Australian flick in cinemas is Candy, about heroin addicts who rob people.

All this gives rise to certain questions:

1 Are Australians in the mid noughties totally different from Australians in the mid 80s and 90s?

2 Are Australian film-makers in the mid noughties totally different from the film-makers of the 80s and 90s?

3 Would Australians go to see a Crocodile Dundee these days, or would we regard it as an embarrassing relic of a more naive time in history?

4 Should we be pleased about the growing sophistication in our tastes, or have Australians lost something that they had in May of 1986?

If you give us your thoughts on those questions (via the comment space, below) -- and on the curious absence of a Special Edition DVD 20th anniversary Director's Cut (This is a knife!) -- this column will try to reach a conclusion next week.

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. To join a daily discussion of Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 12:40 PM
• Comments (96)

The ratings race: week 22

This blog is now a heritage item -- worth studying but not current. For the latest discussion on trends in television, click here.

Hot off the presses: Channel Seven has just revealed that the new season of 'Grey's Anatomy' will start on Monday June 19, replacing Commander in Chief at 9.30pm. At first sight, this looks like a bizarre bit of scheduling. Shown in an 8.30 slot last year, Grey's was getting an audience around 1.8 milion in the mainland capitals. Is Seven wasting a prime property at a time when half of Australia is putting on its jamies?

Updated 10 am, Sunday June 4.
In a week without special events -- no miners, no Logies, no big biffo -- Nine scraped to victory by one tenth of one per cent of the audience. Its prime time share for the week in the mainland capitals was 27.8 per cent, while Seven got 27.7 per cent, Ten got 25.1, the ABC got 14.6 and SBS got 4.8. The addition of Grey's Anatomy (and My Name Is Earl, Bones and Criminal Mnds) could make all the difference for Seven. But then again, Nine has plenty more biffo in store.

If you had to predict the year at this point, you'd say Nine will win (but down a bit on last year), Seven will come second (but up a bit), and Ten will be third (up a lot). The ABC will be down a lot (but won't care) and SBS will be up a lot because of soccer.

What Australia watched, week ending June 3.
1 Border Security (7) 2.03m
2 Medical Emergency (7) 1.83m
3 Thank God You're Here (10) 1.82m
4 It Takes Two (7) 1.74m
5 Nine news Sunday (9) 1.74m
6 Seven news Sunday (7) 1.73m
7 House (10) 1.72m
8 Big Brother Eviction (10) 1.60m
9 CSI (9) 1.60m
10 Desperate Housewives (7) 1.56m
11 Cold Case (9) 1.55m
12 Today Tonight (7) 1.54m
13. Seven news (7) 1.53m
14 The Wedge (10) 1.52m
15 All Saints (7) 1.49m
(OzTAM mainland capitals)
The Bill on Saturday got 831,000 across the capitals and 243,000 in Melbourne (without competition from Blue Heelers). Daniel and Sarah, do you still need this info? Have you discerned a pattern yet? If so, please tell us.

Updated 10 am, Friday June 2.
The fans came back in a big way for Thursday night's episode of 'Lost', in which we learned that "The Others" are not hillbillies but scientists with fake beards, and we got alarmed at how skeletal Claire has become since giving birth.

An extra 200,000 viewers over the previous Thursday meant that Seven won the night. Perhaps the viewers were excited that the main role was played by Melbourne's own Emilie de Ravin. Seven also has high hopes for Sunday night (usually won by Nine), because it is showing the final episode of 'Blue Heelers'. Over its 12 years, Heelers has reached peaks of 2.5 million. If most of those viewers come back for a last goodbye, Seven will start winter with a bang.

Channel Ten tells us it will mark the end of 'Thank God You're Here' next Wednesday with a sign that the future has arrived. The final episode will be available for downloading into your computer or watching as a streamed version from 11pm on June 7 at this address: www.ten.com.au/thankgod . Ten says: "This is the first time an Australian commercial TV network has made an entire program episode available free of charge straight after broadcast".

Apparently Nine made an ep of McLeod's Daughters available for download recently. Did anybody try to see it?

What Australia watched, Thursday.
1 Today Tonight (7) 1.49m
2 Lost (7) 1.45m
3 Seven news (7) 1.40m
4 Nine news (9) 1.39m
5 Missing Persons Unit (9) 1.37m
6 Getaway (9) 1.35m
7 Las Vegas (7) 1.20m
8. Home and Away (7) 1.18m
9 A Current Affair (9) 1.18m
10 The Amazing Race (7) 1.16m
11 Hello/Goodbye (9) 1.14m
(OzTAM mainland capitals, preliminary figures)

Seven got 31.0 per cent of the prime time audience, with Nine on 29.7, Ten on 22.0, ABC on 12.1 and SBS on 5.1.

Updated 10 pm, Thursday June 1.
Sheer frustration is driving viewers away from 'Prison Break'. The fans are sick of seeing them NOT get out of jail and are turning to Dr House for a cure. Seven's response to this frustration is to show double episodes each week, in order to proceed more quickly to the escape (yes it does happen eventually) and then launch a new show that will prove a worthier competitor to the grumpy doc.

Ten easily wins each Wednesday night, but everything depends on how it replaces 'Thank God You're Here', which has one more week to run.

What Australia watched, Wednesday.
1 Thank God You're Here (10) 1.81m
2 House (10) 1.72m
3. Seven news (7) 1.58m
4 Today Tonight (7) 1.56m
5 Nine news (9) 1.46m
6. McLeod's Daughters (9) 1.33m
7. NCIS (10) 1.32m
8. Home and Away (7) 1.32m
9 A Current Affair (9) 1.29m
10 Temptation (9) 1.20m
11 Prison Break (7) 1.18m
(OzTAM mainland capitals, preliminary figures)

Ten won Wednesday night with 31.0 per cent of the prime time audience, followed by Seven on 26.1, Nine on 25.2, ABC on 14.0 and SBS on 3.8. Seven is slightly ahead for the week.

Updated 10 am, Wednesday May 31.
Paranoia is back in town, and with it, the hopes of Channel Seven. Canned laughter is back in town, and with it, the hopes of Channel Ten.

Two million Australians in the mainland capitals watched 'Border Security' last night, perhaps seeking reassurance that we are not about to be overrun by gangs of rampaging East Timorese. And 1.5 million sat through 'The Wedge', perhaps hoping it would join the resurgence in local comedy started by 'Thank God You're Here'.

Click here for Tom Gleisner's opinion on being told when to laugh. If he's right in his assessment of Australian attitudes, 'The Wedge' (created by Ian McFadyen of 'The Comedy Company') has no future.

Seven won the night, with a prime time audience share of 30.2 per cent, with Nine on 27.4, Ten on 24.3, ABC on 13.6 and SBS on 4.5. Nine and Seven are neck and neck (on 29.6 per cent for the week so far), with tonight's two hour 'Prison Break' likely to be the tie-breaker. Meanwhile, Ten will pull audiences from both Seven and Nine tonight with the second-last episode of a local sketch show that contains genuine laughter from an audience in the same room as the performers.

Tragically, 'Comedy Inc The Late Shift', a much smarter package than 'The Wedge', gathered a mere 585,000 viewers last night.

What Australia watched, Tuesday.
1 Border Security (7) 2.03m
2. Medical Emergency (7) 1.83m
3 Today Tonight (7) 1.65m
4. Seven news (7) 1.59m
5 The Wedge (10) 1.52m
6. All Saints (7) 1.49m
7. Nine news (9) 1.47m
8. CSI (9) 1.37m
9. CSI: NY (9) 1.37m
10. Home and Away (7) 1.35m
(OzTAM mainland capitals, preliminary figures)

Updated 10 am, Tuesday May 30.
Channel Nine targeted women last night with two new shows, and won the night. Despite looking like a clone of 'Cold Case' (or perhaps because of looking like a clone of 'Cold Case') the US crime drama 'Close To Home' (1.1m) beat Seven's 'Commander in Chief' (924,000) at 9.30pm, and at 7.30 'What's Good For You', a clone of 'You Are What You Eat', collected the older viewers who wouldn't dream of watching Big Brother.

Nine's prime time audience share was 28.4 per cent, with Seven on 27.8, Ten on 23.4, the ABC on 14.6 and SBS on 5.8.

What Australia watched, Monday.
1 Seven news (7) 1.59m
2 Desperate Housewives (7) 1.56m
3 Cold Case (9) 1.55m
4 Today Tonight (7) 1.53m
5 Nine news (9) 1.48m
6 A Current Affair (9) 1.43m
7 What's Good For You (9) 1.41m
8 Big Brother nomination (10) 1.34m
9 Big Brother (10) 1.32m
10 Temptation (9) 1.29m
(OzTAM mainland capitals, preliminary figures)

Updated 10 am, Monday May 29.
Apparently viewers on Sunday nights prefer escapist drama to drama that is too close to reality. Both 'CSI' and 'Law and Order' did better than 'Answered By Fire', the ABC's miniseries about East Timor, despite publicity about its postponement (to avoid competing with Nine's miners) and ongoing news coverage of Timor's troubles.

When we say "close to reality", of course we mean based on actual events, as opposed to the virtual version of reality offered by 'Big Brother'. Ten's gimmick of an alleged lie detector test fooled a few viewers at 6.30, but there was greater interest in the eviction of mischievous Michael at 8pm. Now he's gone, expect BB's ratings to plummet.

'It Takes Two', Seven's vocal version of 'Dancing With The Stars', did pretty well at 6.30, but not well enough to give Seven a victory. Nine won the night with 28.0 per cent of the prime time audience, followed by Seven on 26.0, Ten on 25.6, the ABC on 15.7 and SBS on 4.8.

What Australia watched, Sunday.
1 It Takes Two (7) 1.75m
2 Seven news Sunday (7) 1.71m
3 CSI (9) 1.60m
4 Big Brother Eviction (10) 1.56m
5 Nine news Sunday (9) 1.50m
6 60 Minutes (9) 1.46m
7 Big Brother Truth and Lies (10) 1.37m
8 CSI Miami (9) 1.27m
9 Sunday Football (9) 1.25m
10 Law and Order: CI (10) 1.20m
11 Backyard Blitz (9) 1.16m
12 Answered By Fire (ABC) 1.01m
(OzTAM mainland capitals, preliminary figures)

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. To join a daily discussion of Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 09:33 AM
• Comments (230)

You can save a paralysed creature

by David Dale
If you saw a wounded animal by the roadside you'd stop to help, wouldn't you? You'd take it to a vet, or put it out of its misery. That's all we're asking you to do for Channel Nine, a fallen dinosaur bleeding from a thousand raptor slashes and brontosaurus bites and paralysed with fear that its 50th year as ruler of the swamp could be its last.

Some people say the Tyrannosaurus Rex deserves its current agony, as punishment for years of arrogance towards viewers, but this column begs you to rise above revenge and start generating the kind of new program ideas that Nine seems unable to think up for itself.

You may gain inspiration from Joss Whedon, the creator of Buffy, who recently offered a vision for the future of home entertainment in America's TV Guide magazine. Whedon predicted that this year "approximately 67 percent of all television will be CSI-based, including CSI: Des Moines; CSI: Vancouver made to look like Chicago; CSI: New York But A Different Part Than Gary Sinise Is In; and NCSI: SVU WKRP, which covers every possible gruesome crime with a groovin' '70s beat ...

"Lost has that one-of-a-kind alchemy that really can't be copied. Therefore, look for the original series Misplaced, as well as Unfound; Not So Much with the Whereabouts; and Just Pull Over and Ask!

"Obviously, we'll see advances in technology. TiVo, iPods, streaming video -- the way we watch TV is changing dramatically. It's on our phones, in our cars -- even projected on specialised eyeglasses. But don't listen to the talk about having shows beamed directly into your brain. That's science-fiction nonsense. Shows will be stored in the pancreas and will enter the brain through the bloodstream after being downloaded into your iHole."

In devising Nine's new schedule, don't be afraid to steal and adapt existing formulas -- the networks do it to each other all the time. Last year, readers of this column came up with these suggestions for new shows, based on the hits and events of the time: Celebrity Striptease, Visa Roulette, Desperate Actors, Garden Makeovers Revisited, Celebrity Miscarriages, S&M Nanny (with Gretel Killeen), Customs Cha Cha (contestants try to get drugs into Indonesia) and Quarantine Beagle Brigade.

If you did a similar exercise with the hits of this year you might suggest that Nine launches Thank God You're Fat; Desperate Comedians; Dieting With The Stars; Where Are The Losers Now; Prison Footy (AFL version for southern states); 60 to 1 (a countdown of Richard Carleton's finest minutes); and House Whisperer, aka Spicks and Spooks (in which a beautiful medium puts silly questions to a grumpy doctor).

Broadening the sources, there's got to be a travel show based on the activities of the Australian Wheat Board; a sitcom about rival bikie gangs; a mystery series about marooned refugees from West Papua; a reality show in which Peter Costello, Tony Abbott and Brendan Nelson have to stay in a house together until John Howard announces his retirement; and of course, Kim's Factional Feud in which viewers get prizes for guessing whether the host will forget the names of more contestants from the left or from the right.

Lets hear your Save the Rex program pitches, below.

David Dale is the author of Who We Are -- A snapshot of Australia today (Allen and Unwin). His latest book is Soffritto -- A delicious Ligurian memoir. To join a daily discussion of Australian attitudes, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 11:17 AM
• Comments (58)