The Sun-Herald

WHO WE ARE: But what if we weren't here?

A column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 6/7/2008
In the movie It's a Wonderful Life, an angel shows a depressed Jimmy Stewart what the world would be like if he had never been born. It's a much grimmer place.

Australians are feeling a bit down at the moment, according to the latest Morgan poll, with a big drop in consumer confidence and only 48 per cent saying the country is "heading in the right direction". So I'm going to emulate the angel and update a list I started making at the turn of this century aimed at describing what the world would be like if Australia had never been born -- if there had been no large land mass for the Portuguese, Dutch, French and English to bump into when they sailed southwards ...

There would be no cure for 80 per cent of the world's stomach ulcers (WA's Barry Marshall and Robin Warren discovered that antibiotics kill a stomach bug called helicobacter).

The term "fatal shore" would refer to the east coast of Canada, where the British would have dumped surplus convicts.

Gwyneth Paltrow would have won the Oscar for playing Virginia Woolf in The Hours. She would have married Tom Cruise but then he'd have divorced her and married Katie Holmes.

The world's strangest animal would be the giraffe.

The Japanese would be free to hunt whales all over the Pacific (but there'd be a lot more ocean in which the whales could hide).

The most beautiful coral reef in the world would be in the Red Sea, off Egypt.

Olympic swimming events would include breaststroke, backstroke, butterfly and dog paddle, but no freestyle (originally called the Australian Crawl, in this universe).

Tina Arena, Natalie Imbruglia and Vanessa Amorosi would be big names on the Italian music charts.

There would be no rugby league and the world's best rugby team would be England.

Peach Melba would be known as peaches with strawberry sauce.

At least 60,000 more people would be deaf (Victoria's Graeme Clark developed the cochlear implant).

Liza Minelli would have married a different homosexual.

Morningtown Ride and The Carnival Is Over would have been early hits for Abba.

Russell Crowe would have won an oscar for Gladiator, but never would have made The Sum of Us or Romper Stomper. Mel Gibson would have trained at the Julliard School, New York. He'd have made Lethal Weapon and Braveheart, but not Mad Max.

There would be no Fox network and hence no Simpsons.

AC/DC would refer only to electricity.

Timor and New Guinea would be part of Indonesia.

Californians would always win the World Surfing Championships.

There would be nobody in the world called Kylie, let alone Dannii.

The animal liberation movement would have no bible (Victorian bio-ethicist Peter Singer wrote Animal Rights and Human Obligations).

The only thing called a thong would be a form of underwear.

The Bee Gees would have recorded Stayin Alive, but not Spicks and Specks (which would not be the name of a TV show).

The British would have to carry their wine to parties in glass flagons, because there would be no cardboard casks.

The world's melanoma rate would be much lower.

Mt. Kosciuszko would be in Nepal.

Pavlova would be indisputably a New Zealand creation.

The kiwi kiddy band The Wuggles would be a huge hit in America, as would a US sitcom based on the classic Auckland comedy Keth end Kum.

OK, now it's just getting silly, and we've barely begun. If you can think of any other ways the world would be different without Australia, go to Comments

• by David Dale in whoweare-index at 03:33 PM
• Comments (0)

The Who We Are Update: Seven wins Friday, but not the week

To learn what the world would be like if there were no Australia, go to The Tribal Mind.

What Australia watched, Friday
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS Network 7 1,495,000 459,000 416,000 249,000 171,000 199,000
2 SEVEN NEWS Network 7 1,453,000 418,000 365,000 255,000 174,000 241,000
3 TODAY TONIGHT Network 7 1,274,000 403,000 304,000 220,000 159,000 187,000
4 TWO AND A HALF MEN -RPT Network 9 1,139,000 349,000 303,000 229,000 132,000 125,000
5 HOME AND AWAY Network 7 1,116,000 347,000 255,000 206,000 141,000 167,000
6 NINE NEWS Network 9 1,089,000 311,000 298,000 228,000 145,000 107,000
7 ABC NEWS Network ABC1 1,056,000 237,000 376,000 204,000 98,000 141,000
8 A CURRENT AFFAIR Network 9 1,019,000 260,000 296,000 239,000 123,000 101,000
9 SILENT WITNESS Network ABC1 988,000 266,000 300,000 188,000 111,000 124,000
11 BIG BROTHER - FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE Network TEN 875,000 220,000 256,000 155,000 124,000 120,000
14 SPOOKS Network ABC1 813,000 225,000 247,000 164,000 75,000 102,000
18 BIG BROTHER Network TEN 742,000 199,000 192,000 143,000 93,000 115,000
19 SEVEN'S AFL: RND 14: ADELAIDE VS GEELONG Network 7 741,000 24,000 430,000 12,000 153,000 122,000
21 RIDING IN CARS WITH BOYS RPT Network TEN 567,000 147,000 200,000 86,000 72,000 63,000
22 NINE'S LIVE FRIDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL Network 9 562,000 359,000 204,000
32 WIMBLEDON D11 Network 9 396,000 153,000 105,000 63,000 34,000 40,000<
Continued here

• by David Dale in whoweare-index at 04:07 PM
• Comments (61)

The Tribal Mind: When this lady met this fellow

by David Dale
If men and women could only unite, Australia might get some stimulating television in the second half of this year. But they can't, so we're stuck with the programming preferred by viewers aged over 55 -- the time of life when, apparently, the sexes are most similar.

Last week this column pointed out that the seniors are the biggest consumers of TV, while the groovers watch the least (37 per cent of prime time viewing is by people over 55, up from 32 per cent in 2003; 28 per cent is by people 16-39, down from 30 per cent in 2003).

So the network that wins the year will be the one with the geriatric appeal. Off the back of a truck has fallen some fascinating research about the age of viewers for each station's most popular shows this year. The median age of Australians is 37, which is to say that half the population is older than 37 and half is younger. But the median age of viewers for most top programs is well above the national figure. Half the people who regularly watch Today Tonight, for example, are over 54. What you're about to read suggests that TV is, to put it politely, a mature medium.

The hits of 2008 - How old are the viewers
Inspector Rex (SBS) has a median viewing age of 65
Doc Martin (ABC) 64
Midsomer Murders (ABC) 63
ABC news (ABC) 61
Wild China (ABC) 61
Who Do You Think You Are? (SBS) 58
Seven News (7) 55
Today Tonight (7) 54
Enough Rope with Andrew Denton (ABC) 52
Border Security (7) 51
60 Minutes (9) 51
RSPCA Animal Rescue (7) 50
Australia's Got Talent (7) 50
Tennis: Australian Open Men's Final (7) 50
Better Homes and Gardens (7) 49
One Day Cricket (9) 47
Domestic Blitz (9) 48
David Attenborough - Tiger, Spy in the Jungle (9) 47
Spicks and Specks (ABC) 45
The Gruen Transfer (ABC) 43
NCIS (10) 43
State of Origin Rugby League (9) 43
Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares (9) 40
Top Gear (SBS) 39
Mythbusters (SBS) 37
House (10) 37
Gladiators (7) 34
The Biggest Loser (10) 35
My Name is Earl (7) 34
So You Think You Can Dance Australia (10) 34
Australia's Next Top Model (Fox8) 34.

So there's not much point in the programmers trying to appeal to the half of Australia that is under 37. They rarely watch the box.

Lets look at the other great niche that has traditionally excited the networks - viewers aged 25-54. Could a smart programmer gain by focusing on their sophisticated tastes? Only if men and women were prepared to sit in front of the same set. Here's how the sexes consumed TV over the past month:

Top shows with women aged 25-54: Grey's Anatomy; Desperate Housewives; Brothers and Sisters; Schapelle Corby (episode one); Better Homes and Gardens; 60 Minutes; State of Origin rugby league; Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares; Australia's Got Talent; All Saints; NCIS; Domestic Blitz.

Top shows with men aged 25-54: State of Origin rugby league; My Name Is Earl; The Gruen Transfer; 60 Minutes; Schappelle Corby (episode one); Spicks and Specks; CSI; Top Gear; NCIS; How I Met Your Mother; Hell's Kitchen; Gladiators.

So the principal passions shared by middle-aged men and middle-aged women are Schappelle Corby, Gordon Ramsay and football. Expect to see a lot more of them in the coming weeks.

Should the networks stick with the predictable, or should they try to entice viewers back with adventurous programming? Tell us at Comments

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 06:26 AM
• Comments (6)

WHO WE ARE: In joyous screams then let us sing

To learn the difference between men and women, go to The Tribal Mind.
A column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 29/6/2008.
These words are symbolic of the culture and identity of our nation: "For most of my life I lived a delusion./ Yes, material gain has caused me confusion./ But slowly in time I learned that my place is/ To tell all that I meet the glory that God is."

They come, of course, from Billy Thorpe's song Most People I Know Think That I'm Crazy, which has just been selected by the Film and Sound Archive in Canberra for preservation in the National Registry of Recorded Sound. It was a bold choice by the Archive, because it dramatically broadens the definition of what may constitute a "national song". Compare it with these lines:

"Free and friendly nation,/ Born of our own hand,/ Peace our greatest virtue,/ Mighty southern land./ Valiant into battle,/ Courage to the end,/ Standing firm for freedom,/ Loyal southern friend./ Nature's earthly heaven,/ Glory for our eyes,/ Ours alone those treasures,/ Under Southern Skies."

That's from the "national song" written last year by Amanda Vanstone, the former Minister for Immigration who became Australia's ambassador to Italy. She wasn't proposing it as a replacement for the anthem (Advance Australia Fair) but for use on less formal occasions. We can picture her at this very moment winning trade deals by crooning those lines to Silvio Berlusconi (to the tune of Land of Hope and Glory).

He no doubt responds with "Italian brothers, Italy has arisen,/ With the helmet of Scipio on her head./ Where is Victory?/ God has made her the slave of Rome./ Let us gather in legions./ We are ready to die./ Italy has called" (from the national anthem of Italy, which has not felt the need to update words written in 1847).

Personally, I'd discard Vanstone's stirring sentiments and celebrate my patriotism with one of the numbers selected for preservation in the National Registry of Recorded Sound. Thorpie's "personal anthem" joined Slim Dusty's Pub With No Beer; Men At Work's Down Under; the Aeroplane Jelly jingle; Johnny O'Keefe's She's My Baby; The Saints' I'm Stranded; a 1927 recording of Waltzing Matilda; The Easybeats' Friday on My Mind; Peter Dawson's Along The Road To Gundagai and We Have Survived by No Fixed Address (go to the registry to hear them).

The Archive revealed that the selection criteria included "artistic excellence, historical relevance, technical or scientific achievement, and prominence in shaping Australia's culture and identity."

Last year this column suggested eight candidates for the title of "national song". They were Tie me Kangaroo Down Sport, Down Under, Shaddup You Face, I've Been Everywhere, Man, Pub with No Beer, the Neighbours theme, Australiana (the Austen Tayshus pun collection) and The Sounds of Then (which includes the wonderful line "Laugh and say: 'This is Australia'."). Readers voted solidly to enlarge the list with the Skippy theme, Farewell Aunty Jack, Great Southern Land, I Still Call Australia Home, We Are One But We Are Many, and My Island Home.

Now that the Archive has broadened the definition to include rock songs and ballads that make no mention of the land or its icons, we should vote again. Go to comments to offer your new nominations.

To discuss why TV is programmed for people over 55, go to The Tribal Mind

• by David Dale in whoweare-index at 09:22 AM
• Comments (63)

The music Australia loved

For the latest media trends, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare/.

Lists of top selling albums and most successful performers, prepared by David Dale and last updated June 29, 2008.

The top selling albums of the past 20 years
1. Whispering Jack (John Farnham)
2. Come On Over (Shania Twain)
3. Jagged Little Pill (Alanis Morissette)
4. Innocent Eyes (Delta Goodrem)
5. Music Box (Mariah Carey)
6. Savage Garden (Savage Garden)
7. Falling Into You (Celine Dion)
8. Recurring Dream (Crowded House)
9. Abba Gold (Abba)
10. Immaculate Collection (Madonna)
11. Age of Reason (John Farnham)
12. The Very Best of (The Eagles)
13. Don't Ask (Tina Arena)
14. Remasters (Led Zeppelin)
15. 1 (The Beatles) 2000
16. The Sound of White (Missy Higgins)
17. Soul Deep (Jimmy Barnes)
18. Forgiven Not Forgotten (The Corrs)
19. Come Away With Me (Norah Jones)
20. Back to Bedlam (James Blunt)
21 I'm Not Dead (Pink)
22 Yourself or Someone Like You (Matchbox 20)
23 Forrest Gump (Soundtrack)
To read and discuss the complete charts, go to The culture

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 09:10 PM
• Comments (34)

The TV shows Australia loved

This contains charts of the most watched programs of the 20th and 21st centuries, prepared by David Dale and based on data from OzTAM and ACNielsen. Last updated June 29, 2008. For the latest media trends, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare

Top programs so far in 2008: Aus Open Men's Final (7) 2.35m; Rugby league State of Origin Match 3 (9) 2.14m; State of Origin Match 2 2.10m; Stage of Origin 1 (9) 2.09m; Finale of The Biggest Loser (10) 1.89m; launch of So You Think You Can Dance Australia (10) 1.85m; Winner Announced SYTCDA (10) 1.87m; finale of Underbelly (9) 1.43m and premiere of Underbelly 1.33m (both would have got 2m but were not shown in Melbourne for legal reasons).

Chart 1. The top shows since 2001
Based on OzTAM's audience estimates for the mainland capitals. Series figures are for the most watched episode of the year.
1 Tennis: Aus Open final - Hewitt v Safin 2005 (7) 4.04 million
2 Rugby World Cup final 2003 (7) 4.01 million
3 Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony 2006 (9) 3.56m
4 AFL Grand Final 2005 (10) 3.39m
5 Australian Idol Final Verdict 2004 (10) 3.35m
6 Australian Idol final 2003 (10) 3.30 m
7 AFL Grand Final 2006 (10) 3.15m
8 The Block auction 2003 (9) 3.11 m
9 September 11 reportage, September 12, 2001 (9, 7, ABC) 3.10 m
10 Tennis: Wimbledon day 14 2001 (9) 3.04 m
11 AFL grand final 2003 (10) 2.96 m
12 Big Brother winner announced 2004 (10) 2.86m
13 Australian Idol Live from Opera House 2004 (10) 2.86 m
To read and discuss the complete charts, go to The culture

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 09:00 PM
• Comments (18)

The films Australia loved

List of the 125 highest-grossing movies of all time, and list of the 65 movies seen by the greatest number of Australians, prepared by David Dale from data provided by the Motion Picture Distributors Association of Australia. Last updated June 28, 2008.

For the latest media trends, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare

Top flicks so far in 2008: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull $28m; Sex and The City $23m; I Am Legend $23m; Iron Man $20m; Alvin and the Chipmunks $17.5m; Death At A Funeral $16m; 27 Dresses $15.5m; Bee Movie $15m; The Golden Compass $14.7m; National Treasure Book of Secrets $13m; Enchanted $12.5m; Dr Suess Horton Hears a Who $12m; American Gangster $11.5m; Juno $11.5m; Narnia: Prince Caspian $11.5m; Atonement $10.5m.

Chart 1: The Australian box office
1. Titanic (1997) $58 million
2. Shrek 2 (2004) $50m
3. The Return of the King (2003) $49m
4. Crocodile Dundee (1986) $48m
5. Fellowship of the Ring (2001) $47m
6. The Two Towers (2002) $46m
7. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (2001) $42m
8. Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace (1999) $39m
9. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006) $38 m
10. Babe (1995) $37m
11. Finding Nemo (2003) $37m
To read and discuss the complete charts, go to The culture

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 12:00 PM
• Comments (16)

The DVDs Australia loved

To find out if you are suitable to be an Australian citizen, go to Who We Are
For the latest media trends, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
List of most most purchased DVDs since 1998, prepared by David Dale, using data from GFK Marketing. Last updated June 20, 2008.

Top selling DVDs of all time
1. Finding Nemo (2004)
2 Shrek 2 (2004)
3 Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)
4 The Two Towers (2003)
5 Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2006)
6 Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2003)
7 Return of the King (2004)
8 Fellowship of the Ring (2002)
9 Monsters Inc
10 Pirates of the Caribbean (2004)
To read and discuss the complete charts, go to The culture

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 02:10 AM
• Comments (3)

The Tribal Mind: Television becomes an antiques roadshow

by David Dale
What a sweet revenge for the over 55s. Once spurned and ignored by the commercial stations -- "Let them watch the ABC," was the attitude -- they have now become the powerbrokers. Their tastes will determine which network wins this year and gets the most advertising in 2009.

Not long ago Channel Ten used to put out press releases boasting how certain programs were "shedding" older viewers, while Nine and Seven proudly declared their target audience to be viewers aged 25-54. There's none of that talk now.

The oldies are golden, and not just because there are more of them. It's also because they're the first ones back into their cocoons as uncertainty grows about the economy (see last week's column). And once they've pulled up the drawbridge, the over-55s are more likely to watch the box than the under 40s, who have other distractions.

For a vision of the future of Australian television, look at the favourite shows of each age group last week. In particular, compare the audience totals across the mainland capitals ...

Shows most watched by viewers over 55: Seven news 849,000 viewers in this age group; ABC news 804,000; Wild China (ABC) 727, 000; Today Tonight (7) 701,000; Sea Patrol (7) 699,000; Silent Witness (ABC) 697,000; Australia's Got Talent (7) 692,000; Border Security repeat (7) 652,000; The Einstein Factor (ABC) 649,000; Nine news 642,000; CSI (9) 633,000; Australian Story (ABC) 633,000; Better Homes and Gardens (7) 629,000; Domestic Blitz (9) 617,000.

Shows most watched by viewers aged 16-39: The Simpsons (10) 562,000 viewers in this age group; Grey's Anatomy (7) 555,000; NCIS (10) 548,000; Desperate Housewives (7) 533,000; 60 Minutes (9) 487,000; My Name is Earl (7) 486,000; The New Futurama (10) 483,000; How I Met Your Mother (7) 479,000; Rove (10) 465,000; Good News Week (10) 457,000; Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares (9) 455,000; The Gruen Transfer (ABC) 455,000; Brothers and Sisters (7) 450,000.

You can see why the oldies are so much more attractive to the networks as a target audience than the groovers. Between 6pm and 10.30pm each night, an average of 1.821 million viewers over 55 watch television (up 3.5 per cent on last year), compared with an average of 1.397 million viewers aged 16 to 39 (down 1 per cent on last year).

Clearly there's not much common ground between the age groups. Best to target the niche with the numbers, so Nine and Seven will need to "skew older" if they are to win the year. Expect comfy crime shows set in English villages; quirky quiz shows hosted by former ABC personalities; deserving documentaries about Asian animals and adventurous Australians; and gardening guides filmed in the beautiful backyards of Lisa McCune and Dannii Minogue, who are the current queens of the senior screen (one remembered from Blue Heelers, the other from Young Talent Time).

The only hope for diversity lies with the niche we haven't dissected yet -- viewers aged 25-54. They'll be next Monday's topic.

Go to Comments to tell us what you think of the geriatrics' dominance of the box.

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 04:41 PM
• Comments (11)

WHO WE ARE: Getting all choked up about snot blocks

To discuss why Australians are in retreat from reality, go to The Tribal Mind

A column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 22/6/2008
The snot block, the pie floater, the baked bean jaffle, the kebab at 2am, the froggie cake, the bread roll stuffed with Twisties, the scallop pie, butter chicken, the spearmint milkshake: Who says there's no such thing as Australian cuisine?

By adopting and adapting the best takeaways the world can offer, we've created a fast food mecca in the southern hemisphere. That was the consensus among readers who reacted to this column's proposition last week that the nation's greatest achievements in portable edibles were the Chiko roll, the hamburger with beetroot, the pizza with pineapple, hot chips, pad Thai, potato scallops, Neenish tarts, and the gosleme (which I was firmly told should be spelt gozleme).

Some readers introduced regional surprises. "Being from Broken Hill," writes Matthew Huxtable, "our entry for world cuisine is cheeseslaw -- grated carrot, grated cheese (pref. that Kraft foil-coated block that I don't even know you can still buy but was in the normal supermarket aisles and not the fridged section) and coleslaw dressing. Delicious! Best thing with your sandwiches, as its stickiness stopped all the filling from falling out.

"Also, now that my family lives in Victoria, let's not forget the vanilla slice, but not any vanilla slice but the Snot Block. It may not be an Australian dish but we've surely renamed it as ours - 'Fancy a Snot Block, your Majesty?'"

LR says she "wouldn't go past a sausage sandwich - I swear my husband only wants to go to the local hardware store on a saturday morning so he can get one. And you really can't go past the hot chip roll - some like it with sauce or gravy, but for me, just lots of chicken salt is perfect!


"And if you want to include Asian food - I would think that good old butter chicken, or even beef in black bean sauce are more common than pad Thai or gosleme."

Noting that the study of fast food is not all ancient history, a reader who wished to be known as Outbackdee reflected on "memorable takeaway moments from my childhood in the late 80's through to the 90's: Meat pie and tomato sauce; Kebab with hummus, chilli and bbq sauce; Pork roll from the local bakery; Cheese and bacon bread fresh from the oven at 730 am on the way to the train station; And the great staple of Chinese takeaway, sweet and sour pork ... that sweet syrupy mess of fried pork goodness. I craved this the most when backpacking through Europe."

Nicholas was overcome with national pride: "Among foods substantially invented in Australia, I'm stunned no-one's mentioned the lamington or pavlova. I am happy to agree with chocolate crackles, and raise an eyebrow at the fact no-one's answered David's question [on the origin of the neenish tart]. According to my sources, neenish tarts were named for their inventor, Ruth Nienish of New South Wales. Bugger the stump-jump plough, be proud of what matters."

If you are, and want to continue this discussion, go to Comments

• by David Dale in whoweare-index at 09:52 AM
• Comments (45)

The Who We Are update: Week 26

This week of the blog is now a heritage item - worth studying but no longer current. For the latest media analysis, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
To discuss why TV is programmed for people over 55, go to The Tribal Mind
To discuss Australia's finest fast foods, go to Who We Are

The ratings race, updated 10 am Sunday June 29
Nine won Thursday and will win the week, because Seven's success on Friday with Better Homes and Gardens was not enough to counter the huge head start provided for Nine by Schapelle Corby. Nine averaged 28.8 per cent of the prime time audience for the week, while Seven got 27.7, Ten 19.9, ABC 17.5 and SBS 6.0.

In the chart below, we provide the last ever audience figure for Million Dollar Wheel of Fortune, and for its rivals Deal or No Deal and Ten's News At Five. The figures explain why the wheel was axed. But somehow we don't think Antiques Roadshow will do much better, even if it is better suited to the hot new demographic target of over-55s.

What Australia watched, Saturday
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Network 7 1,351,000 324,000 397,000 304,000 136,000 190,000
2 AUSTRALIA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEO SHOW Network 9 1,180,000 288,000 402,000 248,000 105,000 138,000
3 NINE NEWS SATURDAY Network 9 1,105,000 307,000 360,000 213,000 121,000 104,000
4 CATS & DOGS -RPT Network 9 1,030,000 273,000 341,000 225,000 113,000 77,000
5 THE GREAT OUTDOORS Network 7 967,000 244,000 282,000 213,000 116,000 112,000
8 THE BILL Network ABC1 737,000 212,000 233,000 138,000 64,000 91,000
9 BRIDE AND PREJUDICE -RPT Network 9 708,000 206,000 248,000 107,000 70,000 76,000
12 SATURDAY NIGHT AFL Network TEN 613,000 334,000 39,000 149,000 91,000
13 THE VICAR OF DIBLEY Network 7 597,000 288,000 105,000 204,000
14 SEVEN'S R.U: AUS V FRA Network 7 587,000 309,000 34,000 210,000 18,000 16,000
19 ANTIQUES ROADSHOW -RPT Network 9 465,000 154,000 221,000 91,000
23 SUPER TROUPERS: THIRTY YEARS OF ABBA Network 7 372,000 195,000 73,000 104,000
30 BOWLS: PBA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS Network ABC1 284,000 72,000 89,000 66,000 40,000 17,000
31 ABSOLUTELY MELBOURNE - ALL YOU CAN EAT Network 7 277,000 Not shown 277,000 Not shown Not shown
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)
Continued here.

• by David Dale in whoweare-index at 08:32 AM
• Comments (83)

The Who We Are update: Week 25

This week of David Dale's media blog is now a heritage item - worth reading but no longer current. For the latest discussion, go to http://blogs.sunherald.com.au/whoweare.
To discuss why Australians are crawling back into their cocoons, go to The Tribal Mind
To discuss Australia's top takeaways, go to Chiko and the gang

On Saturday morning, the prime time audience shares stand at ABC 18.5% Seven 28.6% Nine 27.0% Ten 20.4% SBS 5.4%. Seven won Friday night with the help of Better Homes and Gardens, but Saturday could have turned it around for Nine. Can The Vicar of Dibley and King Arthur knock off Big Momma's House (and what does it say about Australia's tastes if Big Momma wins?) Register your prediction here and bask in glory when we give the week's results on Sunday afternoon.

What Australia watched, Saturday
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Network 7 1,406,000 382,000 411,000 274,000 130,000 209,000
2 THE VICAR OF DIBLEY Network 7 1,074,000 308,000 298,000 232,000 96,000 139,000
3 NINE NEWS SAT Network 9 1,009,000 260,000 329,000 233,000 122,000 64,000
4 AUSTRALIA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEO SHOW Network 9 1,005,000 268,000 268,000 227,000 102,000 140,000
5 THE GREAT OUTDOORS Network 7 956,000 276,000 302,000 196,000 72,000 109,000
6 BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE 2 Network 9 883,000 292,000 223,000 165,000 95,000 109,000
7 THE BILL Network ABC1 840,000 279,000 238,000 142,000 85,000 95,000
9 SATURDAY NIGHT AFL Network TEN 752,000 Not shown 354,000 108,000 165,000 125,000
14 MIDSOMER MURDERS RPT Network ABC1 630,000 171,000 215,000 102,000 81,000 61,000
15 SATURDAY AFTERNOON AFL Network TEN 568,000 55,000 243,000 52,000 133,000 84,000
18 TOP GEAR: BEHIND THE SCENES RPT Network SBS 498,000 191,000 121,000 73,000 59,000 55,000
29 M-KING ARTHUR Network 7 279,000 140,000 Not shown 139,000 Not shown Not shown
Continued here

• by David Dale in whoweare-index at 04:21 PM
• Comments (65)

The Tribal Mind: Let us comfort you

To discuss Australia's top takeaways, go to Chiko and the gang

by David Dale
Australians are crawling back into their cocoons. The age of adventure is over. You can tell from the way they're watching TV. Don't try to show them anything edgy, surprising or demanding. They want slow, reassuring, and predictable.

The programs that symbolise the national mindset right now are Domestic Blitz and Better Homes and Gardens. We demonstrated enough bravery by watching The Chaser boys and electing Kevin Rudd. Now we're pulling up the drawbridge.

This behaviour pattern seems to go in three year cycles. From 2002 to 2004, as we retreated from September 11 and the Bali bombings, the top shows reassured us that every problem had a solution. Messy garden? A team of fairies will fly in for a weekend and redecorate it. Messy crime? A team of scientists will shine a blue light on it and find the culprit within an hour. Our favourite sitcoms came with cues to tell us when to laugh.

In 2005, we started to take a few risks, tolerating and then embracing shows that kept us in suspense from week to week.

Who will survive the island? What secret will be revealed about which desperate housewife? Who will be voted off the dance floor? By 2007, our favourite comedy was about a hyperactive boy with reading difficulties and a drama teacher exploiting a student dead from a drug overdose. And we needed no laugh track to give us emotional prompts.

Now George Bush has ruined the world's economy and the Arabs keep putting up the price of petrol. Once again we want television to tell us that everything will be alright. In Domestic Blitz, a team of experts fly in and take 48 hours to renovate the home of a needy family. Better Homes and Gardens shows us how to survive rising prices, feed the family and paint the shed. Safe sitcoms are back, with How I Met Your Mother and Two and A Half Men apparently sharing the same canned laughter track.

Nostalgia is what it used to be, with 20 to 1 drawing 300,000 more viewers than it could manage last year (when we preferred to look forward). And football, the ultimate in escapism from the chaos of reality, is getting record audiences.

Even the edgiest new hits are predicated on reassurance. Your restaurant is failing? Gordon Ramsay can fix it with a kick up the arse. Worried that commercials are conning you? The Gruen gang will explain how to spot the mind tricks.

The only difference between 2008 and 2002 is that there is no longer such a thing as the mass market. The buzzword this year is fragmentation, which means the programmers have to work harder to offer equal doses of comfort to every demographic niche. How they are doing that will be the subject of the next Tribal Mind column, which will also include any theories on social change that you'd care to raise by going to Comments

• by David Dale in The Tribal Mind at 04:16 PM
• Comments (12)

WHO WE ARE: Roll play

To discuss why Australians are in retreat from reality, go to The Tribal Mind

A column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald, 15/6/2008
The prime minister's recent claim that eating a dud dagwood dog (pluto pup, battered sav) had caused him to drive the porcelain bus (do a technicolour yawn, fertilise the footpath) provoked a flurry of media nostalgia about iconic foodstuffs. It seems the riskier an item may be for our health, the more fondly we remember it. Since this column's mission is to quantify the behavior of Australians, I have attempted a list, on which I'd like your feedback (if that's not another synonym for what the PM did).

THE TITANS OF TAKEAWAY (great moments in portable edibles)

1 The Chiko roll. Inspired by the Chinese spring roll, Frank McEnroe of Bendigo, Victoria, created in 1951 a cylinder of thick dough wrapped around a mixture of chopped vegetables that seem to include carrot and cabbage plus meat which may be chicken. Deep frozen ready to be deep fried, it spread across the milk bars and fish and chip shops of a naive nation.

2 The hamburger with beetroot. The notion that any good burger produces pink juice which runs down your arm was so embedded in our national psyche that in 1999 McDonald's departed from its attempt to unite the world around the Big Mac and recruited hundreds of beetroot growers in Queensland to help develop an item unique to the Australian market: the McOz. It doesn't match the original.

3 The pizza with pineapple. This combination horrifies people from Naples (where the pizza was invented around 100 BC) but it's a classic case of the way Australians "adopt and adapt" to make international specialties our own. My preference is to order a pizza (with pineapple) and, when it arrives, break an egg over it and put it immediately under a (preheated) griller. It should stay there just long enough to set the white without hardening the yolk. Then I hit the yolk with a fork and eat the pizza as the yellow spreads across. That's a Pizza Australiana.

4 Hot chips. We prefer them thick and rectangular in the English tradition rather than thin and pointy in the French and American style.

5 Pad Thai. Rice noodles with chilli, egg, assorted vegetables and a protein which is usually chicken but which may be duck, pork or prawn. It's within months of replacing spag bol as the national noodle.

6 Gosleme. Supposedly from Turkey, it's a kind of pancake stuffed with spinach, cheese and spicy beef mince. At Fox Studios market every Saturday, a brigade of round women with headscarves and harem pants engage in a perfectly synchronised ballet in which they roll, smear, fold, fry, turn and slice thousands of goslemes, little knowing how they symbolize The New Australia.

7 The potato scallop. Until I was in my 20s I did not know a scallop could be a kind of shellfish. To me it was a slice of potato deep fried in batter, which I bought for threepence on my way home from school. The name probably comes from the French "escalopes", which implies a rounded shape.

8 The Neenish tart. A coracle of pastry containing a dollop of jam and a lump of fake cream, topped with a semicircle of chocolate icing and a semicircle of vanilla icing. The name is a mystery. If the pizza comes from Italy and the Chiko comes from China, does the name "Neenish" hint at a national origin? The country that gave us Neenish tarts would be Narnia, I suppose.

Nominate our nation's iconic takeaways, or explain Neens, at Comments

• by David Dale in whoweare-index at 03:45 PM
• Comments (56)