The Sun-Herald

A Pint of Bitter

What is wrong with British football teams?

I'd been intending to write this week that if the Australian national team could model itself on Scotland's recent feats then, as Socceroo fans, the world would be a better place.

The potential similarities, I'd decided, were impressive.

A bunch of battlers, with few star players but playing as a team, were punching well above their weight and seemed destined to qualify for Euro 2008 ahead of France(!) and maybe even Italy(!!).

Then it all went wrong.

After beating France twice, the Scots lost 2-0 to Georgia(!!!), to rupture their Euro 2008 qualification hopes and, damn them and Tennant's Lager, ruin my literary celebrations.

Put on a kilt and cheer here.

Then, if you're Scottish, weep at the reality. Your boys blew it.

Still, it could be worse for the Scots. They could be English.

England's campaign has been doomed ever since Steve McClaren, way down the list of preferred candidates to succeed Sven-Goran Eriksson as coach, took charge of the team.

Sigh.

It's possible Guus Hiddink could have been coach instead of McClaren except for the fact the former Socceroo boss can't stand the Brit media and the England FA botched an initial approach.

Instead, (who would have thought it?!) Hiddink was behind England's downfall.

Unfortunately for McClaren the damning result in Moscow had nothing to do with an admittedly dubious penalty awarded to Russia.

Watch the retreat from Moscow here.

While you do that, wave at our old pal, penalty-mad ref Luis Medina Cantalejo, the same guy who pointed to the spot when Fabio Grosso took his last minute tumble against Australia.

As Hiddink explained after the game, it was McClaren's tactics that were just as wrong as the referee's decisions. Confident words, even after McClaren had tonked Russia 3-0 last month at Wembley.

So here's the thing: what's wrong with these continually under-performing and underwhelming British teams?

Don't even get me started with Wales, who with as many Premier League stars as Australia, have not qualified for an international since 1958.

And we thought 32 years of Australian exile was tough.

Scotland have been consistent heartbreakers for their fans for generations but they have, at least, qualified for World Cups and shown guts when they've appeared.

A lasting memory of the 1998 World Cup was Scottish and Argentina fans drunkenly (but happily) dancing under the Eiffel Tower in Paris singing songs celebrating Maradona.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend, etc.

Archie Gemmill's cracker against Holland in 1978 remains one of the best ever goals scored at a World Cup.

Watch and wave your sporran here.

But, England, oh England.

After inventing the greatest game on earth and providing the platform for (let's start an argument) the world's best and richest league, St George is represented by a national team with no heart, no soul, and no clue.

The England team should be all about the spirit of Wayne Rooney, a pugnacious and tough but talented player who is completely mad in an admirable manner.

Instead, England fans get the football equivalent of David Beckham.

There's talent and occasional brilliance somewhere in there but it's mostly about transparent hype with no real substance.

There. I said it.

England need a circuit breaker before Steve McClaren and his FA bosses switch off the lights.

Time for a cup of tea and a Digestive biscuit.

Or maybe just a pint of bitter.