The Sun-Herald

Oppression gets cute n'cuddly

I'm sure I wasn't the only one who laughed nervously at those recent photos of Chinese Olympic police patrols riding on Segways. It's like seeing Robert Mugabe on a spacehopper.

The image of those gun-toting heavies trundling along on one of the daftest modes of transport ever invented sums up perfectly the preposterousness of the whole Olympics spectacle: a grim dictatorship trying to present a cute and cuddly face to the world. It's funny but also appalling, like a really bad horror movie.
Apparently the Segways are handy for soldiers because they move faster than feet and the self-balancing mechanism stops you from wobbling when you're trying to mow down unarmed protesters. They also cause people to laugh so uncontrollably they can't run away, so you don't waste bullets firing at a moving target.
I can't deny it - they've given us a giggle where gags are few and far between. And it's not the first time Segways have brought comic relief to an unpopular regime. Remember how we all laughed when George Bush fell off the tumble-proof machine back in 2003? It proved a useful temporary distraction from his unpalatable foreign policies. Perhaps if Saddam Hussein had spent more time zooming round the corridors of his kitsch-chic palaces on a Segway he might have won the hearts and minds of his people instead of ending up on a YouTube execution video.
Anyway, I'm waiting to see what happens when the Chinese Segway squadron tries to give chase up a flight of stairs. Like the Daleks in Doctor Who, they'll have a bit of trouble with that. And as Tibetan monasteries tend to have lots of stairs, it's highly likely to happen.
Meanwhile, when they're not riding joke scooters, the Chinese paramilitaries are working on bringing sexy back to oppression. For those of you who loved Hitler's hot little moustache and Idi Amin's come hither gaze, here's the latest genocide heartthrob: Second Right Brother.
He's one of the blue-tracksuited crew of Chinese heavies you saw manhandling protesters and intimidating runners on the Olympic torch relay (he's named after his position in the ranks: second on the right from the torch). Labelled 'goons' and 'thugs' by officials and commentators, these 'protectors of the sacred flame' were one of the more unpleasant features of the whole blighted roadshow. They were also revealed to be members of the same PAP (People's Armed Police) responsible for shooting at and beating unarmed Tibetan protesters during the unrest in that region earlier this year.
Still, even brutality needs a poster boy and Second Right Brother (which already sounds like a rap name, so he'll probably do a CD too) has fan sites all over the internet filled with pledges of love from adoring Chinese girls.
Next week, I'll be reporting on the 100 Hottest Serial Killers and a brand new Olympics event: the psychopaths' tricycle race.