The Sun-Herald

Wedding stabbings? Doesn't surprise me

Sorry to rain on your meringue, but it seems to me that weddings always end badly, whether sooner or later.

So one weekend of Sydney nuptials ended in six stabbings (from two different weddings). That's just the tip of the iceberg.
I know, because I once worked for a women's weekly true life magazine and every week our mailbag was crammed with readers' stories about wedding brawls. The editorial team became so case-hardened by these stories that we only printed the ones with truly astonishing details - church fixtures used as weapons, a very high body count or the bride setting her canine pageboy (a rottweiler, as I recall) on the groom's mother. My favourite was the wedding in Manchester, UK, which culminated in the entire bridal party of 40 being arrested.
The most peaceful wedding I remember covering for that magazine was one which took place in America's toughest penitentiary. The groom was inside for armed robbery and the ceremony took place within a cordon of prison guards, which made for a trouble-free and surprisingly moving occasion.
These are extreme cases, but very few of my married friends can report a reception free from some sort of disagreement, tension or frank exchange of views. And those who can't were too drunk on the day to remember much about it at all.
No doubt, weddings come with such a high risk of strife attached you'd probably be safer on a night out at one of those bars on the top ten of NSW's most violent venues.
It's no surprise, when you think about it. Weddings are the most potent cocktail of potential mayhem most of us will ever face. Into those few hours of celebration are poured the long-held hopes, dreams, ambitions and expectations not just of the bride, but several of her nearest and dearest too. Very rarely do these coincide. Add the simmering stew of historical resentments common to all but the most saintly family, mix in bucketloads of alcohol and some bridesmaids pissed off about their ugly frocks, and all you can do is be thankful no-one has nuclear weapons.
But perhaps explosive weddings bode best for the future happiness of the couple. After such a concentrated, cathartic airing of fury they may be better prepared to move on to a calmer life together, all grievances extinguished in one big hit. Of all my friends' weddings, the gentlest one led to the shortest marriage. After the break-up one year later, the bride wondered aloud to me if things might have been different had her family actually voiced their unanimous contempt for the groom on the day. I thought it would have been wonderful if someone had beaten him up, too. You live and learn.
Perhaps instead of a wedding rehearsal there should be a Jerry-Springer-style gathering of all the guests in which everyone is encouraged to drink heavily, express their discontent and, if necessary, come to blows. Once all bruises are healed, the wedding could proceed without incident.
Everyone would be happier, and the cells emptier.