The Sun-Herald

Time for a guilt-free Mothers' Day

On Mothers' Day, spare a thought for the women who bring dictators, psychopaths and serial killers into the world. Not only do they miss out on the flowers and soppy cards - they're blamed for their bad seeds' misdeeds, too.

Being the mum of an evil doer is the ultimate thankless task. You're required by nature's dictates to love the unlovable, but you're also condemned for doing so. And no matter how unimpeachable your mothering style might have been, it's assumed something you did must have sent your spawn off the rails.
Throughout history, mothers have been blamed for the arrested development of every freak and villain on earth and today's self-help culture has only intensified the mum maligning. In the quest to understand serial killers, mothers have been judged almost as harshly as their lethal offspring. After Jeffrey Dahmer was convicted of 17 gruesome murders, his mother Joyce was accused of somehow mucking him up even while he was still in the womb. "They're still blaming mothers," she commented forlornly at the time.
Not long ago, I remember reading magazine articles from the UK that blamed the Iraq war on the mums of Saddam Hussain and Tony Blair. Apparently, little Hussain was ignored by Mrs Saddam, and little Tony was desperate to impress Mrs B. So eventually lots of people had to die.
I saw these stories because my own mother sent them to me with an indignant Mrs Dahmer-esque footnote added in her hand: "they always blame the mums!'
At least she can relax a little now I've reached an advanced age without having a photofit image published in a newspaper (I'm afraid the one above is how I really look). But my friends with babies live in fear that one wrong glance, one failure to pacify, one plush toy with a strange face or even a Celine Dion CD overheard from within the womb might have already formed a future Saddam.
Celebrities don't help the maternal cause either. For them, a mad, bad mum is a trophy, like an Oscar. They complain about how Mom has written another embittered book, posed for Playboy or simply refused to be that other type of Hollywood mum: the obliging, comfy handbag you take to premieres when your image needs polishing. And even she inevitably cops the blame when her little legend implodes or marries for the ninth time.
Of course being a mother doesn't guarantee instant sainthood and there are bad mums, just as there are bad dads and bad cooks, singers and hairdressers. But most just do their best and spend the rest of their life worrying that it wasn't enough.
Just yesterday, Mum asked me: "did I push you too hard when you were at school?" Not at all, I replied, truthfully. The only complaints I remember having back then were not being given a stable of thoroughbred racehorses for Christmas and not being allowed to go and camp in Simon Le Bon's garden. They seemed reasonable at the time, but so did pedal pusher pants and Adam and the Ants.
There's nothing wrong with me that I didn't put there myself - and lots right with me that Mum can take full credit for.
So this Mothers' Day, let your mum off the hook. If, like me, you can remember wailing at her during kiddy tantrums: "It's not my fault! I didn't ask to be born!", try this new mantra: "Mum, I'm not your fault."
This especially applies if you are on death row.
This does not apply if your mother is Britney Spears.