The Sun-Herald

Why Kings Cross needs more rubber

Hearing Lleyton Hewitt extolling the virtues of Plexicushion tennis courts this week reminded me of a very important local campaign I'm heading. I've already drafted a letter to Clover Moore about it:

Dear Clover Moore,

RE: Campaign for rubberized pavements

Your Lordship the Mayor, I write on behalf of a growing number of concerned residents of the Potts Point/Kings Cross area to draw your attention to a danger lurking (literally) on the streets of our neighbourhood: the ground.
A series of regrettable incidents has demonstrated that the ground in this suburb can no longer maintain the equilibrium or dignity of its residents. The latest, a pile-up outside Hugo's involving three models, a hairdresser and a shih-tsu - in which a small waiter was accidentally de-bagged - illustrates with tragic clarity the urgent need for comprehensive change in the composition of our footpaths.
As you may be aware, this area now has more bars, nightclubs and restaurants per capita than any other suburb. In fact, at the last count, there were exactly 7.5 bars per person. Someone has opened a wine garden in the wheelie bin next to my front door and there is an after-hours shabeen in the second tree fern from the left in Beare Park.
As a result of this over-abundance of pleasure establishments, many locals now find themselves unable to move around the area vertically. Much like a children's playground, the triangle of Potts Point, Elizabeth Bay and Kings Cross is a place inhabited by people who wobble and often unexpectedly tumble to the ground.
Our solution is simple: rubberise all the area's pavements with the sort of bouncy material used to render children's playgrounds safe for the balance-challenged. We recommend starting with Bayswater Road and progressing along Darlinghurst Road past Madam de Biers and the AFL Club all the way to the Bourbon. Special attention should be paid to the area outside the Empire, where bouncing on impact may be more frequently necessary after assisted exits from the establishment.
Funding for such projects is of course always a challenge and to this end we suggest enlisting the tennis court surface-cushioning company Plexicushion as sponsor. Already endorsed by such sporting greats as Lleyton Hewitt and Maria Sharapova, the new surface could be supplied by its manufacturers in exchange for naming rights. Of course, all businesses would have to adjust their signage - IE the Plexicushion Empire, Plexicushion Trademark, Plexicushion Brasserie, Hugo's Plexicushion Lounge and Lady-Plex-Lux - but we believe this would be a small price to pay for the enhanced safety of valued clients. We would have no objection to changing the name of our suburb to Potts Plexicushion Point if necessary and we could even examine the possibility of holding sporting events, such as dwarf-throwing and lobster racing, on the re-surfaced pavements as part of the sponsorship deal.
We sincerely hope you will give this pressing issue your most urgent attention. A petition is currently circulating and will be delivered to you soon.
We would also like to point out that we have considered various alternatives such as rubber bodysuits and protective headgear but as I'm sure you will understand, these were dismissed for aesthetic reasons. Here in Potts Point nothing is more important to us than our safety - except looking pretty.

Yours sincerely,
The (potentially) upstanding people of Potts Point, Kings Cross and Elizabeth Bay