Odd couples give me hope

Wednesday May 9, 2007 04:08 PM

Amy Cooper

Among the predictable, central-casting romantic pairings I encounter during my adventures in partyland there's a growing number of not-so-obvious couples with disparate ages, incomes and cultural backgrounds. It cheers me.

I've been thinking about this since I bumped into my friend Cate the other day. She met Dean seven years ago, when he was 21 and she was 35. I can all too well remember the raised eyebrows and toyboy jokes when they first met, but they're still going strong and planning their wedding next year. Their deep connection proved everyone wrong and outlasted all the other matches we'd considered Most Likely to Succeed.
Another one of my favourite love stories belongs to my pal, Karen, a high-flying British media executive who married a much younger waiter from Thailand 15 years ago. You can imagine what people said about that in the wine bars of West London. But two kids later, they're as in love as they were that first week on Phi Phi Island.
I'm happy for them, but happier still that these days their mismatched backgrounds don't attract as much comment. They're not that unusual any more, thank goodness.
Wherever you go, odd couples abound - as mentioned, even here on Sydney's notoriously superficial social scene. Among my acquaintance are several women with significantly younger men, many gloriously contrasting cultural mixes, no end of 'blue collar/white collar' couples where the woman is the higher earner and a few pairings which frankly, would look impossible on paper but work like magic in practice.
Unsuitability is hot these days in Hollywood. Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are its poster couple. At the other end of the scale are your Calista Flockharts and Catherine Zeta Joneses, who wouldn't look out of place producing their partners on the Antiques Roadshow. (I can't help imagining them evaluating Michael Douglas: "Despite the wear and tear and the clumsy attempts at restoration, I'm happy to tell you, Catherine, this one's worth several million.")
I like the age-gap trend, because it's actually woman-friendly. Beyond 30, girls now have a choice: take a toy boy, or select a gentleman of vintage. But whichever you go for, they seem much happier than their cookie cutter counterparts. Remember Brad with Gwyneth and then with Jen? Both blonde, wholesome and lookielikie unions; both doomed. I'd rate his chances of success with strange Ange and their rainbow family much higher.
What the successful odd couples all have in common, of course, is love. But that hasn't always been enough.
It's amazing to think that as recently as 40 years ago, interracial marriages were outlawed in several American states. We're approaching the 50th anniversary of the landmark US Loving vs Virginia case, which is another one of my favourite odd couple stories.
Traditional relationship wisdom has decreed that couples from similar social, educational and economic backgrounds work best. The evidence is based upon research that shows the majority of marriages are between what the sociologists called 'homogamous' couples. If you're interested in this stuff, check out an interesting discussion of it here.
But until recently, we just didn't have as many opportunities to meet people from vastly different backgrounds. Now we have Internet dating, which of course is a portal to potential partners from anywhere on earth. We travel more. Women go to work, where we meet everyone from the CEO to the postroom boy.
Importantly, women are also more independent and wealthier than ever before, which means our partner choices need no longer be driven by the imperative of economic stability. If The One happens to be a gardener and you're a stockbroker, no matter.
No-one said it'll always be easy. As well as an ability to see straight through the layers of difference to the soulmate inside, couples embarking on such a relationship also need the courage to tackle conflict and worse - the judgement of others.
But this is why we need unexpected couples most of all: they remind us of love's power to conquer the odds. Imagine how depressing it would be if all romances - especially high-profile ones - consisted of no-brainer couples with matching pedigrees, ages, jobs, looks and attitudes. In a world obsessed with perfection, mating can be such a rational game of deliberations and calculations: we scrutinize each other's flaws, study compatibility profiles, sign prenuptial agreements, concentrate on damage limitation.
Love needs leaps of faith, too. And without seeing it work its strange magic, we might stop believing in it.

Anyone out there defied convention? I'm keen to hear to hear how it worked for you.

COMMENTS

Interesting article, Amy.
H

by HS on July 29, 2007 at 04:01 PM

Hey Amy, I'm living it right now... but get this, not only am I a younger lover to a gorgeous older woman, but I'm of a so-called different cultural background - I'm an Asian male, she's, well, a beautiful Anglo-Aussie medical specialist pulling down god-knows-what-seven-figure income... We're doing The Maldives next month during the whole APEC thing - she's cancelled surgery appointments (she's a Macquarie St surgeon - street chaos during APEC) and treating me to a week in the sun... god, how lucky am I ?
I'm 34, she's 46. Say what you want people - toyboy or whatever...I think that myself, but heck, after 2 years, she's come to love me for my mind. There's no way the relationship would've lasted if she only wanted me for my body. We're both too cerebral for that.
The most puzzled looks we seem to get focus not on the age gap but the interracial difference, as if I've crossed the colour line and people (esp. Anglo men) object to my obvious sexual relationship with this woman, who if she wasn't working as a world renowned medical specialist, would surely pass for Miss Universe circa 1982 or whatever.

by Exhibit A on August 05, 2007 at 12:56 AM

Great article Amy -very well written. As someone who is attracted to women in a different age group and of a different race to me, it gives me hope

by OL on August 05, 2007 at 01:54 AM

my husband and I met when I was 19, he had just turned 21. He was a medical student, I had quit school at the end of year 11 and was working as a personal carer in a nursing home. He was from a stable family environment, my parents had split up when I was 10. He had only just ended a relationship with someone else when we met and found our soulmate in each other.

A few were concerned, thinking he was getting into another relationship so quick, our backgrounds and age, but others could see, like us, that despite being mismatched on paper, we are perfect for one another.

We were married a year and a half after meeting, and 8 years of wonderful marriage and two children later, we couldn't be happier!!!!!

by we've lasted on August 05, 2007 at 11:29 AM

Though your observations bear many cliches, I would have to wholeheartedly agree with you.

Love itself has no boundaries. What boundaries there are we create ourselves.

by A on August 05, 2007 at 11:43 AM

When I was 20, I was seeing a 15 year old boy (he was soon to turn 16). Ohhh yeah, we got looks, we were publicly 'told off', I was even pulled aside at the local nightclub and told to 'stay away from him, he's too young!". We ignored the local gossip, and entered into a relationship that swayed from friends to lovers and back and back again, over a period of more than 10 years.

We remain fantastic friends, he has a partner and child of his own, I too have my own children - but the relationship we had privately, knew no boundaries as obvious as age.

He went to high school, I worked at the local RSL club. He'd come home from school, do his homework, and we'd go for lengthy walks along the beach discussing love, life and everything inbetween.

I'd work late some weekends, but he'd always be there to pick me up, or waiting for me.

Small town prejudice annoyed me, still does, but on the good side, as a result of living it, I am now much more open minded about other peoples relationship - no matter the difference in age, gender, race, religion - they are all only labels....it's what's inside us that counts.

ps - Here's to You Imrahil....

by Kerryn on August 05, 2007 at 12:37 PM

I met a wonderful man at a charity function - emotionally mature, responsible, hard-working, high-achieving, ethical and most importantly kind and loving. He is 12 years my junior although people don't notice any age difference between us. We are so happy together and so well-matched it is amazing. I would never have imagined myself in such a situation but I do know several similar couples where it has all worked out perfectly. Who are we to judge anyone unless we have been there ourselves...

by A on August 05, 2007 at 01:21 PM

I was born and brought up in Sri-Lanka of Indian parents and am a professional working in Australia. I met my husband at work. We have completely different cultural backgrounds (he is 5th generation Australian), I earn more than he does, and he is 13 years older than me and it works wonderfully. Marrying him was the best decision I made even though at the beginning people seemed especially bemused about the age thing. The differences go beyond the superficial, I hate cooking but love good food, cooking is his hobby and he is very good at it; he loves sport, I detest sport; he loves neatness and detail, I am messy and like to focus on the big picture stuff; I am ambitious and driving, he is laid back and very loyal. What we share is very similar life goals and our love of reading.

On paper it should not work but it does, I could not be more happy. Somehow all our differences make our marriage - our lives are so much richer for loving each other. I knew within a month of meeting him that this was a person I could easily spend the rest of my life with.

by AK on August 05, 2007 at 01:29 PM

While I agree with the sentiment of the article, I disagree with the idea of "love's power to conquer the odds". I think that people getting hung up on this fluffy idea of "love" - which is means so many different things to so many different people. People can "fall" in and out of love or change their definition of what it means - and it confuses everyone.

I think for any relationship to be successful is more to do with the pair's devotion to the cause. Keep love for movies and poetry; focus on your actions and how they affect the ones that you care about. These tangible things are much easier to understand and discuss.

by jaybee on August 05, 2007 at 03:03 PM

Great topic!
My boyfriend is some 17 years younger than me. I own my own business and friends of course had to tell me that he was after "the free ride".
Well after nearly a year together I think that we have proven them all wrong.
(I got the toyboy thing as well.)
In the end, I wonder if it is that friends care about you, or that they are jealous of what you have? I didn't go looking for love with a 22year old, but it happened. People just need to get over their streotyping attitudes.

by Girl-in-Japan on August 05, 2007 at 05:12 PM

I am a late twenties Caucasian professional in a relationship with an Asian man ten years my senior.

With three children between us, the looks and comments we get are laughable, especially as his children look exactly like him and my child is stereotypically blond haired blue eyed Australian.

It still amazes me in today's diverse society that people are so overtly judgemental - and so loud in voicing their opinions!

If anything it gives me an acute awareness of this issue and a resolve that I will bring up my child to be an open minded non judgmental member of society.

by MG on August 05, 2007 at 07:39 PM

I met & married a man 11 years my senior, who was also on a smaller income and from a different country. I couldn't be happier. He is creative, I am scientific. He is emotional, I am rational. He's super fit, I'm ...erm... not. What is important is that we are both educated, articulate, interested in the deeper side of life, and can talk for hours about anything. We are best friends and I wouldn't swap him for anybody else. (anybody want his family?)

by Miss Dynamite on August 05, 2007 at 08:36 PM

I met my partner 7 years ago. He was 22, I was 32. I met him in a nightclub, took him home with me and he never left. Well...only to get the rest of his stuff :)

There was *mountains* of opposition from friends and family for a variety of reasons, I'd recently left my ex-husand, my new partner was much younger, friends thought we were leading a dodgy life, my parents thought my ex-husband was much better, his friends were jealous of the new-comer....god you name it...just about every adversity possible!. I lost contact with alot of people over it, but I figured they weren't really friends to begin with, they were nothing more than poseurs.

7 years later, we've been to many wondeful places together, we've had alot of fun and we've bought a beautiful home. We have a wonderful new group of real friends. We're planning a wondeful life for ourselves and it looks like things can only get better :)

So, to all of the nay-sayers, jealous "friends" and fake "friends"...eat my shorts!!!! :)

by Michelle on August 05, 2007 at 10:07 PM

Hi Amy, I found the article intersting. I'm a 20 year old male in a relationship with a 35 year old woman. We have been together nearly a year, 1 year in October. We have been through a lot together and right now I am on deployment. I want to marry her, but she is too damn afraid of us. I e-mailed this page to her already. It's really frustrating and it makes me envious of these other couples that are finding success. I know she doesn't want to be alone anymore after a bad divorce and a series of bad relationships. I am trying to marry her next year, I love her with all my might and prefer her to a younger partner. This article should prove to her that we aren't the only couple with this age difference and I know we'll be happy. Thank God for the internet.
I wish you both all the very best, Pablo. The leaps of faith are hard for some, but often so worth it in the end! Let me know how it goes. AC

by Pablo on August 29, 2007 at 05:02 PM

Hey amy....

I am dating a guy of 35 yrs and I am 23 ...however we proposed this matter in fromt of my parents and they are not ready to accept it. I love him from the bottom of my heart so does he....
We both are setteled and really looking forward to spend a life together.

We are so confused how to go abt it..read ur article... and got some inspiration.... I am just so worried....

Neha

Well, you will encounter prejudices I'm sure, Neha - but I am a true believer in love conquering all. If your parents learn to believe that you truly care for each other hopefully they will come to accept your relationship. It's a shame that you will have to keep striving to prove to others that your bond is real, but just stick with it and prove the doubters wrong! All the very best.
Amy

by neha on September 17, 2008 at 06:50 AM

The Sun-Herald

Amy Cooper

Odd couples give me hope

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